I had a baby book

Hi im a local writer, blogger from Hull and this year, I returned to my love of writing! Poetry and fiction.

I had been through terrible summer the year before 2017 my grandad died and I took on some of his care (moving him into care home struggling to get him in a nursing home and he was unfortunately not cared for, for all his needs, in the end passed away sepsis, heartattack he also had symptoms of alzheimer’s) all on top of starting a Law degree and a relationship coming to an abrupt end.
Then a traumatic Labour in 2018 followed by emergency surgery and a legal battle between a very nasty landlord.

My gallbladder had become infected, inflamed and needed to be removed before almost rupturing. I was told all in the space of 5 hours I had to make the choice to have surgery or ultimately I’d die, rewinding 3 weeks before this I was sat infront of health care workers in the hospital telling me I was mentally unwell and making this pain up, I was sat infront of a mental health psychiatrist asking if I’d ever kill myself or harm my children all because I was telling them I had a significant amount of pain that they couldn’t diagnose, at that point my daughter was 1 week old. (I wasn’t mentally ill I was physically sick and had infection)

Back to surgery : I’d rushed into a and e, I’d just given birth 4 weeks prior, breastfeeding, 2 children at home. If things couldn’t get much worse, after surgery and returning home.

I was then told to leave my home in an illigal eviction battle, about a live wire that had been snaking in the garden for almost the whole of the tenancy agreement. Was then stuck on the front paper of the HULL daily fails front cover after been told I would most likely be a small feature, the headlines completely changed and given the wrong message so I was then set back again, baby, surgery, in search of a home.

Before I had my daughter I was attending sessions at the House of Light in Hull that specialises in care for those who have experienced traumatic births, postnatal depression. 3 years before falling pregnant I’d had an awful experience having my son. Thus counselling and cbt was to have me in the mindset for having a natural birth, and preparing for hospital. However when it all came around I was met with the huge mammoth tasks and experiences.

I took a chance: I’ve taken a chance to share my poetry and writing with the world and I have 3 books already in mind and drafting, I always loved writing at school as a GCSE and A level, I had so much happening in my home life I didn’t push myself.

Ulitimatly anything can happen and I want you to know that it’s just as important to do something for you! Don’t let anyone tell you you can’t draw a picture, paint, write, sing, dance, perform, become successful. It takes practice but you can do it!

I’ve reduced for my chap book of poetry to the minum you can now grab your copy or download for free in the kindle store……

The paper backs that will be in the shops will all have the House of Light leaflets inside them in hope to help spread awareness about PND and the service in Hull. PND can affect both men and women.

Huge thankyou to thoose who have supported me, saved me and listened. I wouldn’t be here and still getting through it without the people in Hull.

Thanks to those who have agreed to have the book in their shops and cafes:

Bean and Nothingness (whitefriargate)

The Zoo Cafe (newland Ave)

Possithive (prospect centre)

https://www.amazon.co.uk/I-had-baby-Lettersyoullneversee-1/dp/1072462672/ref=mp_s_a_1_5?keywords=I+had+a+baby+lilyth&qid=1561186162&s=gateway&sr=8-5

French lesson poem from secondary school

Just a little micropoem :
I was a day dreamer at school, bullied, unfortunate events at home and in a mind of my own. Instead of doing french I would happily write in my text books poems.

Close your eyes,

In the pouring rain,

Does it feel like yesterday?

Feel the sun escape,

Does it feel like your awake?

See the sky change from green to blue,

Does it feel like something new?

Close your eyes in the pouring rain,

Does it feel like yesterday?

What I think

I think

You may have wanted me

But I think

You wanted a piece of meat to stick your teeth into

What I think

Is that I wanted to think it could be more

But I think it’s too late to go back.

citalopram

citalopram

spread the curtains
see the sun
another day has now begun

blessed with pleasent memories,

try and take each day with some ease.
Wake up the sun is up
have a coffee or a cup of tea
then
10 to 20 mg
pop it out the pack.
citalopram
.
mixed views, mixed reviews
the doctors commonly prescribe
but why does it feel like I’ve lost the person inside?
it takes a month before it works
I already thought I was at my worst
feed the baby
push the pram
pop it out the pack
citalopram
.

my mouth feels dry

my eyes are heavy

they make me want to go to bed already

I still don’t have a stable head

my heart beat it seems to be unsteady

I hope I’m ready

the doctor said it would be a remedy

Im trying as best as I can

goodbye bad feelings

citalopram.

to friends who have had to take antidepressants. your not alone.

not my place

it’s not my place.
I’m not very good at reassurance,
I can’t give you too much honesty,
Ive spend most times lost in me,
I’m ghosting myself, lately,
and im choosing other people’s health, over my own,
like the counsellor said
in the most polite way,
‘its not your place’,
I don’t mean to busy body,
or get over involved in personal politics,
and I like to feel I’m in some kind of place, noone likes to feel useless,
don’t want to feel replaced,
I don’t know the signs sometimes,
my social anxiety can sometimes lie,
but maybe when there’s not much I can say,
recognising the signs to back away,
try and let people find a chance,
to make it back. Without too much hand, I thinks ok, sometimes it’s just not always my place, no matter how hard I want to help.

deep sweets

deep sweets

in deep dreams…
lands of unknown,
friends from unfamiliar places,
faces hidden,
sidewalks frosting over,
I remember walking down it,
the path it became, slimmer and slimmer,
in deep sweet dreams…
×
mum used to say
sweet dreams
but the dreams all blend,
faze into the days, dramatic, hectic,
mangled mess,
shouting and arguments,
worries I can’t control,
and I sweat and toss and turn and cant seem to have a long peaceful sleep anymore,
in deep sweets,
I try to picture my mum reading a story to me,
or soothe with music,
but it doesn’t seem to drown out
the loud days,
and the anxious feelings,
and hearing the whisper,
before it slowly drifted away along with her,
sweet dreams sweet,
and im frozen,
fixated,
looking at the ceiling,
there’s nothing sweet about my dreams I’m dreaming.

nothing I can do

there is nothing,
nothing that I can do.

and the lies
I was never.
never supposed to find out
entered through worm holes
poked out and wriggled through
into my life.

but there is nothing I can do about it,
I have to learn and move away
from thease feelings im feeling,
accept that the good person I once believed in
is no being.

the things he said I thought where true
he says he never said.
the actions I witnessed,
he said I never saw,
and the door that opened,
he said was never a door.

there is nothing,
nothing that I can do.

maybe girls

Art by Jessica Watts
POEM: Maybe girls

maybe girls
from what you say
from your version
of your reality
maybe girls lead you on
maybe girls have been wrong
don’t put me under the assumption
just because they caused you problems
doesn’t mean that I am one of them (a problem)
maybe girls where young back then
maybe girls didn’t know how to feel
but I know
I just know
that whatever you think you did wasn’t wrong
it was
the way you talk about girls
treat girls, is bad
you say those girls they asked for it
you say thier jeans where ripped and her hair was slick, her lips, her face the makeup, all indicated it, asked for it,
the eyes you could see it all in their eyes,
and their level of intoxication,
outweighed your thoughts and desperation,
maybe girls just wanted to look nice,
maybe girls just wanted to dance,
be human,
maybe girls shouldn’t have to put up with shit like this,
feeling watched and judged like they need permission to live.
maybe girls are happy without a dick,
maybe that is what the truth is.

Book in print

1st edition book in print!

I am so please with this book, it’s taken some months and effort and confidence to do it but You! all made it possible so thankyou! ❤️  I have made it as low as possible to purchase at £3.50 and its free at amazon kindle! ❤️ IMG_20190615_134320.jpg

I’m in love

I told you I’m in love with you
You said that’s nice to know
That it’s warming and your touched by it
But I really have to go
*
I TOLD YOU IM IN LOVE WITH YOU
But you shrugged your shoulders slow
It was killing me the whole time not telling you
And even more so now you know
*
I felt the whole room drown me
Grab my legs and surround me
Floods of tears an army
You said you wouldn’t harm me
And now I’m left, I’m starving
For love that never started
Walk mountains the earth’s departed
But now I’m broken hearted.
*
I told you I’m in love with you …
And now I just regret it
My whole stomachs regurgitated
Did you actually give a shit?
*
For this is the karma I have to feel
For years I made you wait
And now I have to deal with this
I hope it’s just a faze.
*
And I couldn’t end the end like this
But I have no choice anymore
I’m fucking done with waiting up
No answers on my phone
*
I care for you so much it hurts
But you can’t forgive the mistakes I’ve done
Like we haven’t all ….
I feel like I can’t walk anywhere
My body can’t even crawl.
*
I TOLD YOU IM IN LOVE WITH YOU
But you shrugged your shoulders slow
It was killing me the whole time not telling you
And even more so now you know
*

@lilythrebecca

January 9th 2019

Travelling

Wake up at home in the morning,
dinner by the hotel dresser,
shut the door as if breeze,
oceon wave shhhushes along the trees,
I need a moment because I breathe,
even though I know where you might be,
it isn’t here,
not next to me,
a slave to danger, that it seems,
I just need you to set me free,
just tell me when that will be,
I can only handle chip by chip,
I didn’t think that this would be it,
and although your only travelling,
when daylight seems to vanish thin,
you blank me mindlessly,
day in day in,
travelling and travelling,
we grow apart,
I know where you’ll be,
I know what your doing,
who your seeing,
who your screwing,
travelling and travelling your travelling.

When you look at me

When you look at me

When you look at me
You look right into me
You held my gaze like we wasn’t about to meet again
When you look at me
Shadows escape me
Shakes from my finger tips erase the
Broken memories
Your eyes cling tight to the soul of my life
When you look at me
Sometimes it’s written all over you
The words you never said Infront of me
The looks of shaken time
Photographic in my mind
I don’t know how to be strong
Words I never had the courage to say
My chapped lips and mascara kisses give it away
Marry me ?
When you look at me
The guilt eats you up like the acid in your stomach
After a night out on the alcohol
My breath it leaves a fog an essence as dark as charcoal
When you look at me.

LYDiA

5pm has gone,

now your a 5am carry on, 

you won’t stop calling, up his phone,

you realise he’s not alone?

what’s wrong?

×

Lydia, for months I couldn’t get rid of yeh!

You sat on grass verges begging for love

passing out on paracetamol

dreaming, wondering, where all the love has gone..

*

it’s summer,

your taking over,

like ivy to a neighbours fence.

holding on,

you said you needed closure,

so I told him to go over,

your flesh is on exposure,

oh Lydia,

what’s wrong now?

*

I can tell as a witness,

men objectify you,

you didn’t

need

extra

parts

sticking on.

you were already beautiful.

*

….every Propaganda Wednesday night

you stumbled.

you know my relationship was about to fall apart.

crumble.

smoking dirty splifs in Person Park

how

wonderful

I just wanted to

be apart

hows that

criminal?

*

Lydia,

You invited yourself in.

now I just cant get rid of yeh!

he was your Facebook tag along,

now your clinging on,

I found out…..

dirty late night snogging,

on my boyfriend,

such a brutal end,

let’s not pretend,

its been going on for so long…

oh  Lydia.

 

 

 

 

look at me

Now that you see me,

say it again. i must hear it, again.

Look at me and say what it is that you have been saying for so long.

I am not blinded by bitter love,

I am not bitten by smaller thoughts,

I am waiting.

You see me, you see me,

so say it while you can, before it’s to late and I’m gone,

its ok to be a little scared, you can be yourself and unprepared, I just need to hear those words, so I can be clear with what to do, I know this means alot to you, I am not walking away this time, it’s truth, it’s the only way. So God help me if I turn away, I told you I was falling deep, and now my story sings in repeat.

so tell me.

late night shift

Tonight I’m working the late shift

push up bra and cranky hips

this baby won’t go to sleep

I see figures walking

into the creek

Families

oh family

mum and dad’s infront of me

hand in hand, together be

Smiling laughing happily,

tonight I’m working the late shift,

no crying child will bring back tears,

no loneliness will bring me fears,

dirty feet,

torn up hair,

and dirty sheets ,

families,

oh families,

she holds his hand so tragically,

Smiling like there’d never be,

a single night of  loneliness,

dragging into the night.

 

10 fingers 10 toes

Who will you be?
Who are you now?
What do you think?
How long will you take ?

Everyone tells me about it,
Everyone’s says your a baby,
Everyone wants a slice,
I know because I’m baking,
I need someone to tell me it’s alright,
Whilst I’m sat here wondering,
Trying to last another night,
Without all these questions, answering,
I hear a melody in my head,
I place my hand across what I think is your head,
Your wriggling body moves around,
Are you there?
I hear no sound.

Who will you be?
Who are you now?
What do you think?
How long will you take?

They say it’s frightening,
And I’m worried,
They say I should be enlightened but I’m in a hurry,
I want to see your face so much,
But I feel I’ve put you through enough,
I know I should be having fun,
As I’m mixing up this bun.

Sometimes I think someone could love you better,
But I can’t wait to be together,
At last the next month has arrived, I see your face on the screen,
And I’m surprised,
Your constantly on my mind.

It gets me through,
That one day I will have all the answers,
And in the end it went quite fast,
My worries I leave in the past,
My ten fingers and toes,
Button nose,
Silky hair,
Floppy hands,
Tiny ears,
Floppy feet,
Little eyes I longed to meet.

Although you won’t remember, at least it’s a journey we completed together.

I thought

I thought I saw you differently

I thought I knew you different

I thought you was something

I didn’t realise it was all just in my mind

I didn’t understand what my brain was saying

I still can’t believe it most the time

I can’t get my head around it

I thought it this was …

It…

the first time

Trigger warning: domestic abuse
the first time… the first time,
was the worst time,
almost, forgiven.
in a place where people,
associated,
normalise,
turn you away,
it will be ok!
but its not OK!
I felt your hand on my skin,
and my body froze,
my arm it clenched,
and my stomach wretched,
it wont happen again… then a shove,
a push,
a deliberate nudge,
knocked me further back… it hurt more… knowing the one person… who is supposed to be by your side,
is attacking your side,
pushed up against the wall,
shoved hard on to the floor,
your sorry!
your sorry!
but I can’t take anymore from anybody.

just like the first time,
I’m stuck in a loop of absolute shock,
why did you hurt me?
and in my head,
my body deserts me,
I am defenseless,
and see no point in telling somebody else,
to see if they will attempt to stop you too,
because the more people know,
the more they abandon me,
like you’ve abandoned me.

the first time,
just like the first time,
feels and hurts and is sore like the first time,
and the emotional scars,
allow the last time to feel like the first time,
I’ve accepted that healing takes time,
in the end it maybe fine,
but the images and the knowledge that it happend,
stays with you,
like the first time.

feral minds

feral minds

your an animal,
and you behave like a monster,
jumping around throughout the night,
howling into the sky’s delight,
amongst all the feral minds.
your a creature,
wriggling and jiggling, jiving your insect legs,
hopping away from every rain drop,
can’t get you off my skin, I tried,
living amongst all the feral minds.
a wild one,
with claws as big as bears paws,
as sharp as a tigers tooth,
your an animal,
chasing off into the night,
howling out into the sky’s delight,
amongst all the feral minds.

anxiety my chains

Anxiety my chains
.
I’m shy,
but not really,
smile,
but I’m                  secrectly,
crying.
I’m laughing!
silent,
but I’m chatting!
.
I’m shy,
but not really.
I’m cold,
and im needy.
the
attention
you
give
me
smokes
like
fire
in my belly.
and im ready,
when your ready…
slow  ,
but I’m steady,
quick,
and on edge,
anxiety.
my chains
just want to feel,’normal’ again.
.

in between

I am not your gap,
or you woman in between,
we aren’t too young,
to both know what that means.
I am not your option,
to pick up as you please,
I am a person,
and a person with feelings.
I am not your faults,
not your blames,
not your fustration,
that drives you out into the rain.
I am worthy of a full reaction,
not a diversion, or distraction,
and my love will overflow,
into another’s open home,
I will find happiness after your departure,
I will not allow you to make things harder,
and if it is regret you feel,
then you need to learn to deal,
and I cant be the one to mend it,
its your mess and you’ve created this,
I will be sailing away into the seas,
and seeing what the world has for me.

letters you’ll never see

my stats where doing so well back then
you brought me high right off the edge
and its ok if I lose my followers
my commenters
I just wanted to see you within the flow
I want to know, that you know, you know?
I feel comfort thinking
if you are laid there alone and drinking
that in return your thinking of me
how damn gorgeous that would be
I imagine your hand just down slow surrending,
whatever it is you’ve had against me,
something clicked maybe you’ll begin to chase me,
you realise we could have been,
now that would be a happy memory,
but I don’t think I will feel that,
I just hope,
whatever it is you are doing,
that is more important that perusing me,
is good enough,
I hope the nights don’t drag like they used to,
and i hope that your with company,
even tho its killing me,
I guess that’s why I write letters you’ll never see.

look at it

 

look what I have done. ..

look at it,

look at all the chaos,

the unspeakable drama,

have I just had a kiss from karma?

look at this,

look at it,

look!

I am unforgivable,

unimaginable,

the pain, I’ve caused is radical,

unbearable,

it’s flammable,

intangible,

my hands are tied,

unmanageable,

I’m up for a ride,

tramadol.

look at what I’ve done,

the trouble,

they said I’d always be,

trouble.

 

deserted

Deserted ~P~O~E~M~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Deserted, Abandoned, A mess ,

 

turn right, turn back, turn left,

 

a direction i’m unclear of now,

 

but I know I’ll make it out somehow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Empty, Vacant, naked,

 

break down, fall, hit the floor,

 

a sensation I never felt till now,

 

but I know I’ll make it out somehow. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Soaked, Drenched, Wasted,

 

pick it up, wipe down, dry off,

 

a patience I keep letting go,

 

I know I’ll get back control.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

but…Until the control returns to me,

 

until I feel the feelings that I should be,

 

a happy generous enormity,

 

a fresh emotion,

…happiness?

 

a cheerful smiling abrasion?

I should have witnessed this by now.

I know, I’ll make it out somehow.

done.

I’m done

I am done.
I am done with you black tar sticky feeling.
inside of my lungs,
I am done.

I am done with your lingering arms,
I am done,
and I am inpatient about being patient,
and always late, but forever waiting.
checking lists twice,
and still deliberating.
sick of hanging around,
with no confirmation.
*
I am done!
as done as the sun burnt skin on my back,
as fed up as a stranded cat,
as pained as a panic attack,
distressed, upset, annoyed,
and today the world I shall avoid.
*

obsessed

slowly

Poem- slowly
Slowly getting over the pain you caused,
and I can see its taken years out of me,
buried beneath the reality of what life throws at me,
and when I look at you now,
I see its happen to you too,
the truth is its killed you slowly,
and the voices in your head,
stop you from sleeping,
slowly,
you think it’s going to take somebody,
to help you heal,
I know because I felt that too,
but for you,
you can’t escape the truth,
the lies,
I hope in time,
that our worlds collide,
and harmony combines,
but for now,
I am slowly,
getting over the pain you caused me.

my father’s words

‘don’t be such a stupid girl’

Do as I say or go away,

and away I went,

with my father’s words,

‘you stupid girl, use your brain’

and I went away with my father’s words,

they followed me,

carried me,

into the next arms,

of a man’s angry outburst,

with my father’s words,

the 1st one,

the second one and the third,

‘You Stupid Girl!’

They all said,

with my fathers words,

all angry no repent,

with my fathers words,

‘If you don’t like it then leave!’

and away I left with the 1st 2nds and 3rd,

fathers words,

I wish they could be unheard,

all the men’s angry words.

 

no more

I dont need, no more chances,
to rid you off my hands…
drip by drip,
red,
my hand writing,
already signed the dotted lined,
sealed,
delivered,
posted.
can you not say all those wicked things again,
please?
it was never supposed to be so complicated,
and the rules of conversation shouldn’t have to break over and over,
I do not need another night,
to disinfect you off my hands,
again,
the stained puddles on my bed sheets, weep,
does it not unhinge you slightly?
I cannot feel what once was felt,
and the temptation of re-entering what was once an exhausting yet beautiful place to be,
does not intise me anymore,
for the door closed,
over
and
over
I do not have the energy like I once did as a child,
the happy merry girl who once believed in fairy tale endings,
and mythical monsters,

she

no longer breathes..

nothing but a twitch,
wakes from the memories,
and the memories are quickly,
sown away into the rubble,
of the burt after math,
of a home,
I once imagined….

I do not need another night!
not one more day!
to rinse my hands!
rid my finger tips!
of plum red from my
peach skin,
the battle fought and lost long ago….

pause

its raw,
still stings,
and I didn’t want to be back here,
despite all your flaws,
appearing from nowhere,
you put my life on pause. . .
again,
and I don’t think I can take much more,
heartless… or reckless behavior,
please allow your demons,
to now carry me,
put me back to bed,
so I can forget….
I can’t wait anymore and can’t live on pause,
for today,
and the next day,
and the next day,
my life shall resume,
and I shall press play.

absent

absent father aka delayed defense
you have no right to criticise,
until you’ve pulled a mouth off your breasts
and cried,
one tooth away from bloody milk,
breastfeeding our son until almost 2.
you have no right to prise,
no right to take the mick and call me names,
no right to question my ab il it y,
im a good damn mum its built in me!
hold my grudge, I know, I can.
I don’t have balls but I’m a better man!
you have no right to call me out!
no right to shout so loud,
yeah im wierd but I’m fucking proud!
you’ve got no clue what I’ve been through,
I shouldn’t have to justify myself,
I’ll make it soon to the higher shelf,
with or without your help… you have no right to judge me,
until you’ve been up every single night for the last,
2 years
years,
years,
every cut and graze was you there?

first dates first hate, will you care?

put me down again don’t you dare!

Big announcement📢

Free Free Free!

My First Chapbook is now availble to Download on amazon Kindle 📙 give away   …

thanks to all my supports who have encouraged me to keep going and continue to create.

 

Blurry Vision aka anxious

So here it is,

my blurry vision,

fresh of the breakfast table,

its not my nutrition

diet,

not my eyesight, that’s fine

there’s  nothing wrong with my eyes,

it’s the fuzzy blurry scary

light headed

over whelming feeling,

inside my body,

time after time.

Shopping centre panic and over filled buses, doctors surgery waiting room, and anticipating your health months before being seen,

am I wearing enough or too much?

is my hair ok of not good enough?

did I sound just right? or too abrupt?

its booking a ticket and canceling because your too frightend to travel after a certain time,

because you find it harder to trust after all the mistrust you have already felt,

its feeling like everything is enormous,

that every effort made is not enough.

blurry vision,

the blurriness that follows you fresh off the breakfast table through until dinner does it calm.

recovery

🖤
part of my recovery pt 1 aka after the op

 

I’m

coming around coming around

felt like I’d swallowed a box full of pins

my body not quite a body

morphine and more morphine

he just rushed me slightly

been to hell and back

hell

you sit with me quietly

reach out and show humanity

let’s get home and make a green tea

sit and talk and comfort me

I cant tell you, how pleased

I was to have you, in my company

thankyou for being part of my recovery

I missed you awhile after that

thankyou for helping piecing my life back…

 

can you hear me now

do you hear me now?
as I collapse to the ground,
do you hear my sound?
has my body been found?
do you sense my heat?
can you feel my pain?
is it all the same?
nothing left to gain.
do you feel me now?
as my wieght pulls me down,
body slams to the ground,
noone’s left around,
change the way you breathe,
give a little ease,
or break down at your knees,
your so hard to please,
… loosing faith in all belief,
can you hear me?

I can’t make you

I can’t make you love me
for the person that I am
I can’t make you want me
or try to understand
I can’t make you take me to the other side of the world I can’t
I can’t make you want me
or make you take my hand
I can’t wait around
and see my time go into the ground
I can’t make you love me
make you see the woman I am
I can’t make you want me
or make you understand
tomorrow is my furture and is my body’s way to mend
looking forward, moving onwards,

it’s the only way to repair…..

A little bit deep for Tesco’s

I didn’t mean to over hear,

and I didn’t really want to listen,

but you was stood there, unstacking shelves,

talking to your friend it seemed,

and then all of a sudden,

I heard you say that life goes round in circles,

and that your children seem to repeat ,

the same mistakes…

and now that your an adult,

its funny to see the same frustrations you went through,

happening again…

 

battle…

Some days

it feels like

love is the enemy

I don’t want to hurt anyone

but I don’t know how to love

so many people know

how the stories go

all I’m trying to do is be loves friend

but it’s hard when Love is the Enemy

and my life looks on ahead of me

without me

I have so much to give

with nothing in return

when will I learn that I am loved

how to love

I hope that it’s not too long

because I feel like most my life has gone

without love as a friend.

 

You made me

Let’s kick off the bank holiday with a nice poem, I wrote this one in the 5 minute slot at women of words last week and went up on the stage to share. Something that’s still new to me but my new found love and enjoyment. Thankyou for your on going support.

Heres the one who made me :

All through the years

so many now

candles lit, cakes made, lights blown,

You came with me

Your little baby grows

Grown out

Given away

or thrown

You gave me the strength

more than you’ll ever know

I was 16, you was 6 pounds

Now your 7 years

Yes, you

Created me

Made me into the mum I am

I thought the things I couldn’t do

I now can

My 7 year old daughter

Thankyou..

Desperate

I don’t want this to be over

Not until I’m stone cold sober

I just want to be like this forever

I hate that we can’t be together

And I don’t want to forget this feeling

what you’ve done to mend the healing

it makes me breathless everyday

and I don’t want you to go away

like a drug you cant buy in the shop

your presence feels like an illegal encounter

I cant reveal what’s under the bandages

a bruise is nothing compared to what is happening …

Optional

You seems to think I am optional

Like you can pick and take what section you think you would like

Use me on a part time basis

Complain about no schedule or instruction manual

Do you think that’s right ?

I had love for you

So deep

You know I thought you was a keeper

This time it’s not my heart that breaks

It’s my sanity that is at stake.

Silly Billy

I cant hide it anymore

waiting for the doors to fly off the hinges

wallpaper rip off the walls

we’re moving in!

dreaming in a dream world

carrot cakes and chocolate swirls

I could look at all the pretty girls

or be patient and wait for your catterpiller skin to fall away

look at all the world

or stay locked up inside this cage

smile on your face

the word ‘love’ feels real off paper

don’t let the past keep you

you know we don’t have to imagine it anymore

you know my home is always waiting

cosey feet up near the lcd screen fire

summer days spent miles away

the colour in our lives would never fade

wake up and come with me

stop being such a Silly Billy!

don’t tell me your feeling down

it’s all about to come around

pick up your chin

and I’ll nudge your shoulder

pull the stranded hair out of your mouth

and kiss your cheeks

they won’t see it coming

for so long we’ve been running

come on Silly Billy

May is here.

Pillow 2015

Pillow  2015

 

Your presence makes me      a b s e n t 

And my tears fall on silent     ears

For years you never said a      thing

You didn’t                                                                        complain

Now I see you used me for your own

GAIN

When all I wanted was

 

 

 

Calm

 

 

 

 

 

 

All I yearned for was a peaceful     a  r o  m  a

 

I’d curl into a                       ball

Grip tight the                             pillow

Call after                                               call

Redial after                                                redial

For you to

 

DECLINE

 

I didn’t mean to bitch or                                                                  whine

I just needed you to

 

 

 

LISTEN 

 

 

 

But my tears fall on silent ears

 

And for years my

hunger, 

was never

satisfied ,

my fears turned into your

lies,

and I’d die

just to feel

 

ALIVE.

 

Good night

Good night thankyou everyone for your on going support

( sorry don’t know the artist

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Preston Road Abandoned estate in Hull

Ok , so this is going to be a tough post. I went down to see #prestonroad and it’s been a place I have been going over the last 3 years before the graffiti and before the demolition. I was on the verge of a very good local documentary but my source that was supporting me deleted and lost all of my footage. Which has been devastating.

As it could have been beneficial to the people in the area and a good piece to reflect back on what’s been going on.

Last month I walked around the deserted houses and was taking pictures like many of us have.

So was then stopped by a couple who was seemingly in distress they came out and spoke to me said that since the graffiti they have been subject to abuse things thrown at the house car almost damaged and now in storage they was already living in the middle of a ghost estate and although many of us have enjoyed the graffiti this has had massive negative impact on the people left behind and stuck in legal battle with the council which seemingly not taking care of the residents. …of course there is a duty of care. But on that day I heard and saw non of it , children as young as 10 climbing on to the roofs via scaffolding and 10 more additional arsons this year alone.

journey back to home

your gone,
all communications lost
yet again, I’m blocked
and I deliberately made this happen
replaced the love with hate.
just so that you’d go away,
and now I am afraid its actually happend,
but also relieved that I don’t have to keep going through the same cycle, of you trying to get me to be someone, I’m not.
I’m still waiting for the side effects to wear off,
and still washing my skin twice,
when I get in the shower,
I should be relieved that I’ve broken the control,
but I’m feeling abit wobbly,
unsure of where to go,
I guess that it is time for me to go back on my journey,
to really finding home.