I carried you 

but I can’t remember the pregnancy 

I celebrated secretly in my head 

    *

I carried you 

and then I had a baby

the secrets came as you was birthed

     *

I carried you 

but I didn’t name you

I carried you and I was never ashamed 

  *

I carried you until the end 

but the events after that I never comprehended

  *

They said to be careful to be aware

but I had no signs or symptoms

apart from this wallowing despair

  *

emptiness

  *

someone took a giant carving knife that was curved into a shape of a ball

*

 took you

  *

guilt 

  *

some call it the bump 

 *

I can’t remember now

 *

and 

  *

I don’t remember how

  *

I carried you. 

Writers comments

My mum suffered after the birth of my 2 brothers with postnatal psychosis this can affect 1 or 2  in 1000 mothers after birth or weeks after birth.

I had also experienced postnatal depression after the birth of my son and youngest daughter.

I can say that it is the most dark and most daunting time of anyone’s life, scary and can leave haunting effects on you for years.

Even longer if a mum is unaware or a mum doesn’t speak or have counselling. It can also affect new fathers too, the likely symptoms for this is depression; lack of appetite, motivation, low aspirations, feeling like a failure, mood swings and there can be other symptoms.

The poem I wanted to reflect the thoughts of when you have a baby you forget the good parts of it, you feel guilty and feel like a bad parent, and the horrors of the unknown after a baby and after labour.

Even mums who have good labours can sometimes feel like this.

For many it passes after the first few months as the body adjusts to no longer having a baby in the womb. When feels of depression or low moods don’t go that is when its very important for you to speak to someone even if its just your closest friend.

It doesn’t matter what age you are you could be in your 30s married or 20s.

I live in Hull and although the mental health here is scrutinised on a regular basis by the local paper, news I can say that ‘The House Of Light’ counselling service changed my life completely. I want to thank all the staff there and also NHS perinatal staff that have supported so many women like myself and my mum.

Anyone that feels they need support or would just like someone to talk to please talk to your midwife, health visitor, GP or Lets talk service if your a Hull and EY patient.

Hull Samaritan’s : 01482 329477

Lets Talk Hull: 01482 247111

House Of Light