absent

absent father aka delayed defense
you have no right to criticise,
until you’ve pulled a mouth off your breasts
and cried,
one tooth away from bloody milk,
breastfeeding our son until almost 2.
you have no right to prise,
no right to take the mick and call me names,
no right to question my ab il it y,
im a good damn mum its built in me!
hold my grudge, I know, I can.
I don’t have balls but I’m a better man!
you have no right to call me out!
no right to shout so loud,
yeah im wierd but I’m fucking proud!
you’ve got no clue what I’ve been through,
I shouldn’t have to justify myself,
I’ll make it soon to the higher shelf,
with or without your help… you have no right to judge me,
until you’ve been up every single night for the last,
2 years
years,
years,
every cut and graze was you there?

first dates first hate, will you care?

put me down again don’t you dare!

Big announcement📢

Free Free Free!

My First Chapbook is now availble to Download on amazon Kindle 📙 give away   …

thanks to all my supports who have encouraged me to keep going and continue to create.

 

Blurry Vision aka anxious

So here it is,

my blurry vision,

fresh of the breakfast table,

its not my nutrition

diet,

not my eyesight, that’s fine

there’s  nothing wrong with my eyes,

it’s the fuzzy blurry scary

light headed

over whelming feeling,

inside my body,

time after time.

Shopping centre panic and over filled buses, doctors surgery waiting room, and anticipating your health months before being seen,

am I wearing enough or too much?

is my hair ok of not good enough?

did I sound just right? or too abrupt?

its booking a ticket and canceling because your too frightend to travel after a certain time,

because you find it harder to trust after all the mistrust you have already felt,

its feeling like everything is enormous,

that every effort made is not enough.

blurry vision,

the blurriness that follows you fresh off the breakfast table through until dinner does it calm.

recovery

🖤
part of my recovery pt 1 aka after the op

 

I’m

coming around coming around

felt like I’d swallowed a box full of pins

my body not quite a body

morphine and more morphine

he just rushed me slightly

been to hell and back

hell

you sit with me quietly

reach out and show humanity

let’s get home and make a green tea

sit and talk and comfort me

I cant tell you, how pleased

I was to have you, in my company

thankyou for being part of my recovery

I missed you awhile after that

thankyou for helping piecing my life back…

 

can you hear me now

do you hear me now?
as I collapse to the ground,
do you hear my sound?
has my body been found?
do you sense my heat?
can you feel my pain?
is it all the same?
nothing left to gain.
do you feel me now?
as my wieght pulls me down,
body slams to the ground,
noone’s left around,
change the way you breathe,
give a little ease,
or break down at your knees,
your so hard to please,
… loosing faith in all belief,
can you hear me?

I can’t make you

I can’t make you love me
for the person that I am
I can’t make you want me
or try to understand
I can’t make you take me to the other side of the world I can’t
I can’t make you want me
or make you take my hand
I can’t wait around
and see my time go into the ground
I can’t make you love me
make you see the woman I am
I can’t make you want me
or make you understand
tomorrow is my furture and is my body’s way to mend
looking forward, moving onwards,

it’s the only way to repair…..

A little bit deep for Tesco’s

I didn’t mean to over hear,

and I didn’t really want to listen,

but you was stood there, unstacking shelves,

talking to your friend it seemed,

and then all of a sudden,

I heard you say that life goes round in circles,

and that your children seem to repeat ,

the same mistakes…

and now that your an adult,

its funny to see the same frustrations you went through,

happening again…

 

battle…

Some days

it feels like

love is the enemy

I don’t want to hurt anyone

but I don’t know how to love

so many people know

how the stories go

all I’m trying to do is be loves friend

but it’s hard when Love is the Enemy

and my life looks on ahead of me

without me

I have so much to give

with nothing in return

when will I learn that I am loved

how to love

I hope that it’s not too long

because I feel like most my life has gone

without love as a friend.

 

You made me

Let’s kick off the bank holiday with a nice poem, I wrote this one in the 5 minute slot at women of words last week and went up on the stage to share. Something that’s still new to me but my new found love and enjoyment. Thankyou for your on going support.

Heres the one who made me :

All through the years

so many now

candles lit, cakes made, lights blown,

You came with me

Your little baby grows

Grown out

Given away

or thrown

You gave me the strength

more than you’ll ever know

I was 16, you was 6 pounds

Now your 7 years

Yes, you

Created me

Made me into the mum I am

I thought the things I couldn’t do

I now can

My 7 year old daughter

Thankyou..

my hero is a man in blue uniform

emergency surgery :
~
my hero..  is a man in blue uniform,
a name I won’t recall,
what I have left from being under the knife,
scars are a reminder of my hero’s work,
he gave me chance to live my life,

for what he did im really glad,

I wish I could thank him over,
for everything he did back then,
I didn’t think I would make it,
but he made sure I stayed put,
need to stop thinking of this half filled cup,
think of all I’m greatful for,
I’m happy and I cant ignore,
the man in blue uniform.
~
He apologised that it wasn’t seen to sooner,
he saw the desprate suffering in my eyes,
I wish the nurses where just as kind,

I gave birth and her I left behind,
it sometimes goes in and out my mind,
but I know I should move on from that,
I keep getting side tracked,
but I will be greatful forever more,
for that man in blue uniform.
~
I just hope he knows,
that him listening really did change my life,
and even though I went under the knife,
it’s nice that he rescued me,
that he spent years doing a degree,
to make people better and to be,
the best he could possibly be,
thankyou for opening more doors,
here’s to the man in blue uniform.

Desperate

I don’t want this to be over

Not until I’m stone cold sober

I just want to be like this forever

I hate that we can’t be together

And I don’t want to forget this feeling

what you’ve done to mend the healing

it makes me breathless everyday

and I don’t want you to go away

like a drug you cant buy in the shop

your presence feels like an illegal encounter

I cant reveal what’s under the bandages

a bruise is nothing compared to what is happening …

Optional

You seems to think I am optional

Like you can pick and take what section you think you would like

Use me on a part time basis

Complain about no schedule or instruction manual

Do you think that’s right ?

I had love for you

So deep

You know I thought you was a keeper

This time it’s not my heart that breaks

It’s my sanity that is at stake.

Silly Billy

I cant hide it anymore

waiting for the doors to fly off the hinges

wallpaper rip off the walls

we’re moving in!

dreaming in a dream world

carrot cakes and chocolate swirls

I could look at all the pretty girls

or be patient and wait for your catterpiller skin to fall away

look at all the world

or stay locked up inside this cage

smile on your face

the word ‘love’ feels real off paper

don’t let the past keep you

you know we don’t have to imagine it anymore

you know my home is always waiting

cosey feet up near the lcd screen fire

summer days spent miles away

the colour in our lives would never fade

wake up and come with me

stop being such a Silly Billy!

don’t tell me your feeling down

it’s all about to come around

pick up your chin

and I’ll nudge your shoulder

pull the stranded hair out of your mouth

and kiss your cheeks

they won’t see it coming

for so long we’ve been running

come on Silly Billy

May is here.

revenge

He wanted revenge
To be fair I didn’t think he had it in him
He wanted to pull me into a world
Of promises
Of happiness
Rub it in my face
Because he wanted revenge
Revenge because I didn’t see how things could have been
So he always says
Even after years and years

You say the words I want to hear

 

(warning poem contains swears)

 

You say the words I want to hear.

Look, I don’t have time for all these games,
When we were younger it was easier,
And you probably didn’t intend to,
But this time it is meaner, and I want to attend to,
The harm you’ve inflicted,
Before I become addicted.

Please don’t act like you give an interest,
We all know who gives zero fucks around here,
Please don’t say you’d come to me and rescue me,
We all know who talks shit around here,
Just please don’t act like you give an interest.

Even though it breaks my heart,
I’ve turned a corner for a fresh start.

Pillow 2015

Pillow  2015

 

Your presence makes me      a b s e n t 

And my tears fall on silent     ears

For years you never said a      thing

You didn’t                                                                        complain

Now I see you used me for your own

GAIN

When all I wanted was

 

 

 

Calm

 

 

 

 

 

 

All I yearned for was a peaceful     a  r o  m  a

 

I’d curl into a                       ball

Grip tight the                             pillow

Call after                                               call

Redial after                                                redial

For you to

 

DECLINE

 

I didn’t mean to bitch or                                                                  whine

I just needed you to

 

 

 

LISTEN 

 

 

 

But my tears fall on silent ears

 

And for years my

hunger, 

was never

satisfied ,

my fears turned into your

lies,

and I’d die

just to feel

 

ALIVE.

 

Biggest Fear

Biggest Fear

What if one day its just too late,
What if when I’m older I still feel the same?

 

What if when I try and reach my hands are just too grey ?
What if it will never be the same,
Never meet again ,
What about if you regret it?
And I pay for your mistakes…
How do I continue?
When I keep feeling this way?

You Managed

You managed

You got your own way,
Pushed me away,
For I tried to figure it all out,
Then it clicked,
You didn’t want anyone to find know,
As if your almost ashamed of me,
You turned me into the enemy,
You managed, to pass this off so casually.

Trust

The trust is gone

the lock is shattered

broken memories

look what I’ve gathered

the trust you drowned

and along with it

the cups we drank from

the clothes we too off

the words you spoke of

the trust is damaged

destroyed

engulfed in flames…

distance

distance ~

sometimes a little bit of distance
is all we ever needed. . .
take off and let go,
I used to hope you’d come back home,
used to hope that the distance would half,
significantly.
but things just happend differently,
I wish I heard you long ago.  .  .
it’s unfair now,
but time was never our strong point,
I didn’t think we would get to this point,
but I’m satisfied with wherever I go,
despite all of our differences.
that it wasn’t me,
it wasn’t who I am,
or what I did,
or how I was,
and that gravity
pulled me away,
till this day,
and distance is all what will be remembered,
in our name.

almost out my system

Almost out my system

Its been awhile now
51 days to be exact
I know I’ve been rushing the pain
rubbing all the scratches away
it’s ok to hurt
I see, it’s fine to feel weak
and it’s been a journey
hell, I haven’t taken you with me
now, I’m ready for change
and I understand why you went far away as possible
if that’s possible
I still love you with all the fire in my belly
and im ready
whenever your ready
but I’m prepared to accept
that it will never be what I expect
I’m almost cured
I’m almost there
you’ll be glad to hear
your almost out my system.

 

painting Adrienne Egger

solution

solution 💔
I don’t like feeling like this
and everything seems to go… when we kiss,
what if the next time you don’t recognise me,
I’m just on repeat heartache,
I don’t really know if there is much point in writing, in sharing,
I just thought it was part of caring,
Part of my head knows what ever it was is all gone,
but then another part wants to correct all the faults,
why does it seem,
like the only solution to stop all of this,
is your kiss
🖤

Buttercup

Buttercup

Stairing looking at a buttercup,
a flower that can give so much,
Bright and royal golden beam,
Smiling back at me,
It shines so bright on grass beneath,
Shiny, Bright, Buttercup,
Filling me with hope.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Image unknown

can’t win

cant win
~
damaged
only slightly
waiting for                     a might be
could be
should be
hideous in the                   day time
hidden in the                                 dark…

I had a baby

I carried you 
but I can’t remember the pregnancy 
I celebrated secretly in my head 
    *
I carried you 
and then I had a baby
the secrets came as you was birthed
     *
I carried you 
but I didn’t name you
I carried you and I was never ashamed 
  *
I carried you until the end 
but the events after that I never comprehended
  *
They said to be careful to be aware
but I had no signs or symptoms
apart from this wallowing despair
  *
emptiness
  *
someone took a giant carving knife that was curved into a shape of a ball

*

 took you
  *
guilt 
  *
some call it the bump 
 *
I can’t remember now
 *
and 
  *
I don’t remember how
  *
I carried you. 

 

 

 

Writers comments

My mum suffered after the birth of my 2 brothers with postnatal psychosis this can affect 1 or 2  in 1000 mothers after birth or weeks after birth.

I had also experienced postnatal depression after the birth of my son and youngest daughter.

I can say that it is the most dark and most daunting time of anyone’s life, scary and can leave haunting effects on you for years.

Even longer if a mum is unaware or a mum doesn’t speak or have counselling. It can also affect new fathers too, the likely symptoms for this is depression; lack of appetite, motivation, low aspirations, feeling like a failure, mood swings and there can be other symptoms.

The poem I wanted to reflect the thoughts of when you have a baby you forget the good parts of it, you feel guilty and feel like a bad parent, and the horrors of the unknown after a baby and after labour.

Even mums who have good labours can sometimes feel like this.

For many it passes after the first few months as the body adjusts to no longer having a baby in the womb. When feels of depression or low moods don’t go that is when its very important for you to speak to someone even if its just your closest friend.

It doesn’t matter what age you are you could be in your 30s married or 20s.

I live in Hull and although the mental health here is scrutinised on a regular basis by the local paper, news I can say that ‘The House Of Light’ counselling service changed my life completely. I want to thank all the staff there and also NHS perinatal staff that have supported so many women like myself and my mum.

Anyone that feels they need support or would just like someone to talk to please talk to your midwife, health visitor, GP or Lets talk service if your a Hull and EY patient.

Hull Samaritan’s : 01482 329477

Lets Talk Hull: 01482 247111

House Of Light

 

 

sunny now

now…

its sunny now.

I hope you thought about me,

the winter has faded away,

its strange you didn’t stay,

I live another day.

it’s sunny now,

and I miss the conversations,

delayed, deliberations,

heart racing kisses,

surely love grows more,

beneath the sun?

and I look out,

for you.

I snuck out,

for you,

I fell over,

bruised,

just to lose,

I’m a fool.

it’s, sunny now, the winters faded, and I’m just glad infact I’ve made it! and I wish you was here to feel it too, the beautiful sun shine on our faces, feels like it has been ages… I will look out for you  …

numb here

you said you left her because she was a crazy bitch.
but I don’t think she was.
I don’t think you was invested,
and you said you treat her the same as this,
but I think that’s because your scared,
of feeling deep. .
I think you erased,
your Facebook and twitter page,
Instagram and snapchat too,
to escape feelings that you consume,
you can treat me like im a fool,
but I know within you want it to be,
but time is going and its now seems to me,
it will probably never be,
now all I see is a broken screen,
no messenger or profile picture,
I can’t even catch a glips of,
what you feeling, doing, being,
it’s hard for me to move on like this,
but I guess it is what it is,
It would be nice if I crossed your mind,
set foot in your path,
but we died and lived inside the past,
as if we passed

it’s so numb here.

leg down

You know, I just want to get on with it,

And I was doing fine without you, in it,

I don’t get why you text me.

It doesn’t take a genius to work it all out.

I just hate the fact that I knew all along.

But you kept adding dirt to hide you was doing no wrong.

Does it feel good to hurt someone who’s feelings where  strong?

All for what ?

So you can get a leg down?

 

I had a baby with a ghost

I had a baby with a ghost

although I hate to admit it

the passion involved was never real

and the spirit was never committed.

*

I had a baby with a ghost

his pale skeleton hands reach me

I wish now that my vision was clear

to see that nobody was home, or near.

*

I had a baby with a ghost

strangers ask where is he now?

I had a baby with a phantom but how?

I try to evade the questions

whilst I gulp loneliness

and acid drips in my stomach

to the illusion

of being through constant confusion

being spooked by his hallucination

falling into complications

unscathed by his see through suffocation…

I had a baby with a ghost.

Indecisive

if this is goodbye

I should know better yet then to cry

I don’t have to try

at last I say goodbye

if only it was that easy

to walk away

breezy

should I stay

ease in

or walk away

freedom

*

if this is goodbye

then I am sorry

but what do I have if I stay

but worry

and you wont go anywhere in a hurry

and I don’t want to be your anchor

any longer

I need a life transfer

an answer

I know it’s not fair

but I’m not her

I’m not the vision you wanted me to be

a goodbye doesn’t mean what you think….

*

I just want to be free

for a little bit.

 

15th Jan –

buoy

buoy
~
your keeping me a float.
Even though your a ghost,
no intention of making it right,
my mind you constantly gass light,
possitive comments,
beautiful nouns,
all I keep hearing is words from your mouth,
like a bouy,
I balance across your water,
smooth blue and facing towards the moon,
then when you change your thoughts,
the waves drag me side to side,
rough seas almost push me to far.
For now im just bobbing along,
bobbing along.
~

The Early Hour Sadness

Welcome to my NEW Category! viewer discretion advised some poems may trigger upset, my poetry and the poetry I share is mainly adult content.

Early hours sadness

It’s 05:30 am.

I can’t sleep.

I wonder when.

I will again…

Thoughts are whirling round my head.

About my back, my ex, my bed,

My children lying next to me,

Beautiful, sleeping peacefully,

The ones I need to stay strong for,

To keep safe, and love, forevermore.

But in this moment I am weak,

My tears stream, I feel so bleak,

But remember while I feel forlorn,

The night is darkest ‘fore the dawn’

Brightness will came back to me,

Once again I’ll be happy,

I close my eyes,

I take a breath…

and sleep finds me.

Deep as death.

Exclusive2019 – Poetry By Anon

tea

~
the end of the world is near
so let us have a cup of tea my dear
no point being in fear
it will catch up with us eventually

the end of the world is near
so let us have a cup of tea my dear
I won’t give up on us yet
2 sugars in the cupboard on the left

the end of the world is near
so let us have a cup of tea my dear
we never reached our desires
but we can sit and talk for hours

the end of the world is near
come in with me and sip some tea
…..
…..
my dear

saviour

*

The towels thrown along the floor,

first time I came,                                          hung on the door,

pots away                                                                               window open,

neighbours could hear that words where spoken,

Offer me a drink,

Food,

the lot,

Couldn’t ask for anything more.

*

Just wanted the perfect memories,

to carry away along with me,

Candles lit was sort of cute,

T.V turned on but put on mute,

Stroke along your face and hair,

Oh god I wish you knew I cared.

*

now I grieve for a friendship that’s lost,

 

now I grieve for a love that’s gone,

 

I’d been waiting for so so long,

*

Your cruel behaviour,

doesn’t   make me  think,

t h a t  your  my   s a v I o u r.

*

Push my hair away from my lips,

I couldn’t ask for a better kiss,

wipe away the salty tears,

drowning out the years and years,

….elevated all my fears

I thought I was close ,

I thought we was near.

*

And now I grieve for a friendship that’s lost,

now I grieve for a love that’s gone,

i’d been waiting for so so long,

Your cruel behaviour doesn’t make me

think                       t h a t                                  your                           my

s a v I o u r.

*

 

 

I hope you read this

you said im an insult to injury:

I know, it shouldn’t have happend,
and I wish it would have been differnt,
time moves forward and things change,
I had a baby,
you moved out,
you got a key,
found a job,
I didnt even think, I’d hear you calling,
I woke up.
I woke up.
I didn’t know you was hurting so badly,
life happends and life happend to me,
it doesn’t mean, I added insult to injury!
you was so far away when I told you,
and I was caught up in my own affairs,
noone gave a fuck or heard me,
you wasn’t even there, or even cared,
and now I can’t get a message to you,
nothing seems to make it fair,
and im sorry that it’s broken,
but if you loved me it wouldn’t matter,
I shouldn’t have to ask for forgiveness,
I couldn’t read your mind, know what you was thinking,
but if you was standing right infront of me,
all the letters, words you’ve said to me,
I think, I’m sure that would have been,
the insult to the injury,
dont blame me for things I can’t control,
make me feel like im really small,
I tried my best whilst you did nothing at all,
sorry won’t make it right, I think your right,
but when we laid under that tree,
the sky’s collided infront of me,
a million days zoomed by you didnt see,
and you set fire to our history,
I think im sure that would have been,
the insult to the injury.
all the beautiful things they become mist,
birds that fly around, clouds gather behind sunny April showers,
flowers rapidly opening,
laughs echoing,
for you to throw away our happiness,
at last I think I might have guessed,
you gave up on all that could of been,
and that,
is
an insult to both our injuries.

No bouquet for a b i r t h d a y.

I gave birth last night,

And he walked away…

It was frightening.

Something just didn’t seem right,

A hug,

would have been quite nice.

Some comfort.

Congratulations!

I  thought a birth,

was a celebration!

No bouquet for a

birthday,

No balloon by a

bedside.

Hes young and he’s

scared,

I’m young

unprepared,

scrap the bumper stickers,

‘baby on board’,

don’t forget to cut the cord…

it didn’t seem right for sometime,

a baby,

a child of mine?

just wanted his families blessing,

whilst I’m sat in NHS bedding,

No bouquet for a

birthday,

and no

cake

to

celebrate,

heart ache

in the morning,

a family is waiting to draw me in.

 

 

 

 

 

my nan

My nan 🌈
My nan said to write about happy things
the world has too many insecuriteies
and that endings can happen happily
My nan said to look at things differently
Sometimes it’s hard and I can only write what’s infront of me
Make an impact for people that’s good
Grow more flowers
Spend more hours teaching kindness
My nan said things can happen
and you can be part of them
for that I am excited for
the forever closed then open door
My nan said to me to write about happy things
the world is filled with too many insecurities.
please help support my poetry at Letters You’ll Never see poetry

Crosses

it crosses my mind sometimes ,

it affects me.

slowly. . .

it sometimes eats away at my mind,

as it crosses it,

sounds they float,

as they pass by,

I try to swallow it.

your voice,

repeats,

I hear your feet,

breathe in breathe deep,

where are you?

a shadow stole your figure,

and the worry in my head grew BIGGER.

The lucky one

Never doubt yourself it probably wasn’t even you, you deserve better and your the lucky one. To all the ones who’ve felt rejected!

✌️💗

You,

You think your

handsome…

You think that you are beautiful,

Unmissable, unforgettable,

You know your something incredible,

Look impeccable,

your flexible,

most of all you think that your the one.

the one that got away.

#

you,

think that your the first,

so easy for you to walk away,

you sway your stuff as if to say,

this is what I have to offer… but take it back when they come closer.

you think that your the best,

crimson chest,

sip the bottle neck…

like it’s your party,

never put your heart in, you know you are the one,

the one that got away,

#

you think that your incredible,

The perfect man,

with your standing stand,

your awesome sound,

does it even matter,

your smit, you smoother,

don’t you have an older brother?

wish I didn’t even bother,

you think you are and hope your are,

the one that got away…

#

one day you’ll see,

that

I turned my back,

I turned my face,

I don’t look into to your surrounding space,

and in fact I hope you’ll see,

that it is not you,

it is me,

and im the one,

the actual one,

the lucky one,

who got away. 😊 ❤️

Pretending

;

sometimes, pretending makes it easier

sometimes pretending is a metaphor for a plaster

pretending not quite healing

covering it up but not really looking at the problem.

Sometimes pretending can heal people forget about the odd scratch’s

its the deeper ones that require more attention that cant be ignored

ignoring cuts that need attention

lead to infections and complications

arguments

abandonment

&pain.

Bed

Please come to bed

it’s messing                   with my                         head

I have anxiety and your not next to me

so

please

come and remind me you do care

hold me

till I don’t feel

scared

I hate that I’m feeling

compared

I hear things and see the

words

I know now

I’m not the only

one

and

I shouldn’t be a snoop at 1 am

I know….

My anxiety …………………  it

wriggle and jiggles

inside of me

Holding pillows by the

side of me

Crying

slightly

I’m a nerd.

Please

come

to

bed

the shadows on the wall they play with my head!

I want to talk to

you

not them …….. they’re dead

I’m hoping you’ll come soon

I should really

sleep

sorry

I’m so

needy

my eyes give in so heavy

down goes my

head

flat goes my

body

gone to bed, gone to bed.

I asked for it.

victim shaming is not ok

warning some of my poetry contains  strong language and adult content.

 

I asked for it
the purple bruise
the finger tips
the thrown purse.           I hear you curse
your worthless
no self-worth
i asked for it….
because I know how to pick them.
my naivety made me naughty
I should have accepted
the tango tounge of orange aid.
slither near my mouth.
sticky tar of vodka.
rum and coke
I asked for it
so therefore, I shouldn’t ask for help
I should deal with things alone
I am adult
I am grown
I asked for it
because I know how to pick them
I should be better at deciding who I date
should be better at what I do
all the things you say.
That you shouldn’t.
and all the actions that you make.
because I didn’t listen
I asked for it.
I asked for it. I asked for it.

 

 

 

 

victim shaming is not ok warning strong language in some content adult poetry and awareness.

 

LYDiA

5pm has gone,

now your a 5am carry on, 

you won’t stop calling, up his phone,

you realise he’s not alone?

what’s wrong?

×

Lydia, for months I couldn’t get rid of yeh!

You sat on grass verges begging for love

passing out on paracetamol

dreaming, wondering, where all the love has gone..

*

it’s summer,

your taking over,

like ivy to a neighbours fence.

holding on,

you said you needed closure,

so I told him to go over,

your flesh is on exposure,

oh Lydia,

what’s wrong now?

*

I can tell as a witness,

men objectify you,

you didn’t

need

extra

parts

sticking on.

you were already beautiful.

*

….every Propaganda Wednesday night

you stumbled.

you know my relationship was about to fall apart.

crumble.

smoking dirty splifs in Person Park

how

wonderful

I just wanted to

be apart

hows that

criminal?

*

Lydia,

You invited yourself in.

now I just cant get rid of yeh!

he was your Facebook tag along,

now your clinging on,

I found out…..

dirty late night snogging,

on my boyfriend,

such a brutal end,

let’s not pretend,

its been going on for so long…

oh  Lydia.

 

 

 

 

miss you

Need

You don’t know what I need.

But

I

know

what

I need.

 

The difference between want,                                                                   it seems.

 

YOU  want a                                                       Buddy

Bunny….

 

I want a             HERO

 

A man

 

A hand

 

A hand

that

will

hold

mine

 

A

togetherness,

But you don’t know what I need.

And you don’t care what I need.

For all that you want it seems….

Isn’t me.

Voicemail

there is nothing more disappointing then no rainbow after a storm cloud,

nothing worse than a dramatic situation unfolding and no one to call,

nothing worse than feeling so entirely alone,

bitter, non optimistic, frozen lips in the morning from the wind,

and

ignored

nothing worse then being prompt to ring

but then you don’t even answer the phone.

then I am

walking

around the

living

room ,

leaving a voicemail

a voicemail you wont even bother to listen to.

the last time I left a voicemail

must of been when people where obsessed with the power to text

voicemail wasn’t popular

I liked the function of being able to repeat my own voice over again

delete and correct it

although I hate the sound of my own

voice.

now if I left you a voicemail

I would want to tell you all the secrets that I cant tell anyone

even my mum

tell you how important you are to me

then realise how damn romantic that would be

but how nerdy and stupid you would think it was

if only I could just call you

without getting a voicemail.

 

 

incredible

I  am really, really happy and over the moon that my book has received two, five star reviews already despite minor hiccups and errors (kindle publishing process is a bit confusing)  …

this means so much to me and makes me want to continue to be creative and write even more, even if I am just a pin drop in the ocean.

 

 

do what you love and keep going

 

 

IMG_20190517_090316

 

thankyou again everyone

 

 

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anxiety my chains

Anxiety my chains
.
I’m shy,
but not really,
smile,
but I’m                  secrectly,
crying.
I’m laughing!
silent,
but I’m chatting!
.
I’m shy,
but not really.
I’m cold,
and im needy.
the
attention
you
give
me
smokes
like
fire
in my belly.
and im ready,
when your ready…
slow  ,
but I’m steady,
quick,
and on edge,
anxiety.
my chains
just want to feel,’normal’ again.
.

absorb

Absorb : round in circles

 

when we began,

I absorbed into your life,

surround,
we fell in fast,
at a steep pace,
we seemed to find,
a common ground.
your clothes became my new, wardrobe.
hoodies. tops. socks.
I found myself.
tripping up on your shoelaces.
calling you my boyfriend.
I absorbed into you living space,
and melted into you life.
although the mould quite different now,
and when we met,
you like a baby bird,
I took you from your mother’s nest,
accidently…
so you return,
will you mature?
we break away,
but then again,
your faviorite flavours become mine,
and your T. V shows take over my life,
maybe, maybe,
things will work out perfectly,
as we remake the same mistakes,
of absorbing
yet again.