Good morning all

I haven’t been on wordpress for some time. I’ve been here there and everywhere really…
But I’ve been frequently uploading poems on my youtube channel and Instagram @lilyth_poetry.
So , how are you all ? Fill me in with what’s been going on in the comments below , hope to hear from you.

Lilyth x

I carried ‘me’

(sorry this is an angry poem… but the moral is that you have your back no matter what don’t fall on someone else always look after yourself! 🙂

I carried me

I have this
horrible
gut feeling
that something more
is coming
no way did I frighten you?
seriously?
you didn’t seem frightened or terrified when you was trying to put your tongue down my throat
you didn’t seem scared or terrified when you was trying to get me to sleep over
you didn’t seem worried or petrified when I knock on your door
you didn’t seem scared or cared when you offered to take me back home!
I carried me!
I carried me!
you was nowhere to be found
I carried me!
I carried me!
I put my feet back on the ground

I have this horrible gut feeling
that something is about to happen
I want to prevent it but I just can’t seem to handle
you really think I’d make this up and go out all my way
do you really think I believe your shit that you didn’t like me because you thought that you was gay?
burry me in lies and things I would never dream or do
as long as your back is clear for you to carry on and pursue
and if she is non the wiser than fool her and fool you
I carried me!
I carried me!
you was nowhere to be found.
I carried me!
I carried me!
I put my feet back on the ground.
I carried me!
I carried me!
you was up there smoking crap
I carried me!
I carried me!
you took my heart now give it back

faceless in my dreams

you come to me faceless

every night for the last 3 nights
you come to me same words
I scream
‘stop it stop it come back
please ‘
my voice drifts off into the breeze

I collapse my feet give up
the night draws in. the doors are shut. the room in spins into another memory
I grow to forget of you and me.

every night for the last 3 nights
I’ve been in a struggle,
in a fight.
to go to sleep to close my eyes
incase I see you by surprise
just like you’ve gone
just like you’ve died
I just want to be by your side
but I’m just a waste of space
and im your sour aftertaste.

stop visiting me faceless in my dreams
stop talking to me please
stop showing up and haunting me
I’m trying to forget our memory
stop visting me faceless in my dreams
it’s to much for me to see
I can’t escape in the day it seems
what would the next option be at least?

maybe girls

Maybe girls

maybe girls
from what you say
from your version
of your reality
maybe girls lead you on
maybe girls have been wrong
don’t put me under the assumption
just because they caused you problems
doesn’t mean that I am one of them (a problem)
maybe girls where young back then
maybe girls didn’t know how to feel
but I know
I just know
that whatever you think you did wasn’t wrong
it was
the way you talk about girls
treat girls, is bad
you say those girls they asked for it
you say thier jeans where ripped and her hair was slick, her lips, her face the makeup, all indicated it, asked for it,
the eyes you could see it all in their eyes,
and their level of intoxication,
outweighed your thoughts and desperation,
maybe girls just wanted to look nice,
maybe girls just wanted to dance,
be human,
maybe girls shouldn’t have to put up with shit like this,
feeling watched and judged like they need permission to live.
maybe girls are happy without a dick,
maybe that is what the truth is.

Groggy

groggy-

noise is just noisy
and my hair is all knotty
hands, feet, ache.
I feel like I’ve been bitten by a snake
last night was sort of heavy
and I really wasn’t ready
to hear all the news
of your latest affair
I’m done with being perfect
if you want me, you’ll make it work
if you don’t, then I don’t care
at least I made my point clear
I don’t think
I will make drinking my hobby
I’m feeling sort of
groggy.

Ferris Wheel

I almost remembered how it feels
spinning like a Ferris wheel
I’ve never been good and controlling
scenarios tend to unfold in
situations I’m holding back on
never know what you’ve got till it’s gone
you made me realise
there’s always more behind the eye
almost remembered how it feels
spinning like a Ferris wheel
colours lights that sickly feeling
unknown exceptions and bruises healing
forgetting about where I’ve come from, been in,
all the pain almost going gone, dreaming,
my heads mad and visions blurry
it’s actually really scary dancing late night in heels
drinking, cig tabs, lipstick, cocktails and all the while I’m smiling, remembering how it feels spinning like a Ferris wheel 😍 🎡

helter skelter

Helter-skelter
She likes it so much
She scrunches the paper up
Slips it in her pillow case
Takes a screenshot just in case
Bitter envelope for a court case
Tired of winding up bad taste
She hates it
But still reads this shit
Like it’s aimed at it
When it’s not anything to do with it
I’m tired lady
Let me sleep lady
I have 3 babies
Get out my face lately
It’s not cool
I left school
So long ago
Just take me home
I can’t do it
Just do it
I’ll be done with this
In a moment please

I get it
You’ve had your whole half life defending your actions
Dealing with shitty attitudes
I get it
It’s not easy
So don’t attack me
Look at the person you see
Look at the vulnerability
He puts to you and me
We a scars
From broken jars
And penny sweets
The ones we didn’t eat
Empty vases
And empty birthday cards with
No names addressed in
Relationships we’ve invented in
Romantic gestures, we cast a shadow
With Shallow men
Who got us into bed.
I get it
We are roses
Without the petals
We are nettles
With freckles
trauma labours…

We live in life
Like
Far in
Heights
We are the stripes
Rugged carpets
See you later dads
And
Are you fucking glads,
A messed up pretty sight,
Look you’ve got the same ticket, right?
You can go to the side
or take the
Helter Skelter ride,
down the slide,
you decide.

Why i write poetry

Why I write poems

I didn’t think I would have to do a post like this I feel like this is my only defence as its been happening a few times this year now. The odd troll and the odd person who continue to attack me through social media.

I have met some pretty amazing people that I wouldn’t have met if it wasn’t for myself pushing myself out there and going to events. It took me months to get up onto the stage and read a poem and it taken me years to do anything like what I am doing now.

I know I have a small audience in which I cherish, and I won’t ever know if the audience will grow. But I am happy with where I am right now in the poetry journey and writing journey.

Its been so hard to find the confidence to do this I have never had much confidence in anything even growing up as a kid.

I haven’t done any of this to harm anyone I just love writing.

But I have now been pushed into a corner where I feel like I have to explain why I write, I know that I have lost some friends because I have been writing and sharing but that’s fine maybe I surprised them maybe it’s not their taste…

I know that some people assume they know all the meanings behind the poems but really it is for your own imagination some are from experiences some aren’t some are made up some are from other peoples lives and love stories. Growing up in a fucked up cyber communication world.

Some are about people that have been in and out of my life, they’re not all about the same person or event.

Lastly, I have never forced anyone to read any of my work. I knew that I would face challenges doing this and sharing on such wide platforms. I never would have thought that I would have to feel like I must explain myself and I hope I wont need to again.

I love words, I love emotive language and expression , imagination , notebooks pens, I love hearing from people who tell me that my poem made them cry happy made them think made them want to write and send me a poem to read. Its just amazing and I feel now I have only been able to talk to these people through the internet that I cant leave them now.

I just want to be able to write freely, be myself.
Like all the other amazing poets I’ve met this year.

benefits mum

hello its me
another benefits mum
another where the fucks my child maintenance?
skint at the end of the week
if i rent a house they need 6 month bank statements
in case i’m dodgy
nothing is private

hello its me
another benefits mum
I’ve had my housing delayed
rent nearly late
I made it
tried to get work
but the childcare cost more than a roof and food combined

Hi its me another benefits mum
apart from i’m always off my bum
i’m walking around these streets day in and out repeatedly
and now i’m
another mum asking another mum for a lump sum
to get some food for the little ones

its me
such a strange life to be
when money is controlling me
trapped in a system
patriarchy
cant break free
politicians put a number on me
like a cow in a field
and the media makes me sound like i am some kind of scum
but its hard i have little ones calling me mum
so i must have a responsibility
but the pressure society puts on me
makes me feel like i cant breathe
people assume its how i want to be
but
i could imagine being anywhere better…..

Letter 8 Rizlas

August 2005

dear,

I went to the park on my own today, hoody, joggers green NIKE trainers. I didn’t intend to go out and meet anyone, I just wanted to get out as its the summer holidays and they have been so boring this year. I normally just sit with my headphones in from my mp3 player, sometimes playing the boring album. You can only maybe get 1 or 2 albums on at a time and I don’t have that many CDs to start with anyway, maroon 5 is getting a little bit repetitive.

There where these lads here today that came over to me and started talking one was a little round and tried to bike around on top of the chopped up bark flooring, another one sort of skinny and has glasses and the 3rd he was oldest 15 and seemed a bit scruffy. And my god they could have done with a shower.

One of the lads asked what my name was , and I said Lilyth but it took them awhile to get there tounges around it. Asking me why I was on my own and why I’m not playing with anyone, and I tried to explain that no one I know was around here or out.

I got off the swing and went towards the climbing frame and we sat in the under part, away from the rain. The oldest lad was boasting about how he had learned how to roll cigarettes and that he smokes. He was a lot older than me but we didn’t seem to different. I don’t understand why they smelt so bad, I’m guessing that’s puberty or something. Oh, and they started asking if I was single , that was a little awkward.

Anyway the oldest lad was called Luke and he was really cute and I was telling him off saying he shouldn’t be smoking and that he is too young. When he wasn’t looking I took the packet of Green Rizlas off him. He seemed pretty lost I couldn’t help but think that the summer holiday had been a bit tough for him too.

They walked me home.

August 20th

I’ve been at dads all this week, mum said that the boys from the park keep coming to knock for me I told her to give them my number so I could text.

September 3rd

Mum called me today I haven’t been able to see her for some time dads been driving me around all his work places and I’m back at school this week I cant believe they’ve been knocking for so many weeks, I said to her again to give my number then I could text them, she must keep forgetting.

November 9th

Mum said that it is the last time that them lads call for me and she said she told them not to call on me anymore because I don’t live with her. I said it wasn’t my fault I wasn’t asking them to call on me. I feel a little bit sad though, I’ve put the Rizlas in one of my boxes and put it under the bed.

August 2009

I’ve been clearing out my bedroom now that I have to get ready for GCSE work, when I found this small thing of cig papers. I cant believe that I had them in my room for so long.

Letter 7 The Ambulance

August 7th 2003

Dear …

I always get a bit anxious when its weekends or half terms, I know most of my friends will be going on holiday or sometimes going out somewhere nice. But sometimes I have to sit in with my brothers, and mums finding it hard to wake up and my step dads filling the downstairs up with smoke. It would have been nice to stay with dad this weekend but he’s on a fun weekend away with a girl he has been talking to over msn.

11am

Mums still asleep on the sofa and we’ve been told its best to stay upstairs until everyone is awake.

3pm

Its been a bit of a boring day and mum went out an hour ago, step dad came up stairs to see if we had seen her, my youngest brothers climbing onto the top bunk and swinging off the bars.

7pm

We’ve spent most of the afternoon playing upstairs and watching Mr Bean but I really want to go home now but dad isn’t picking up the phone or replying to my messages. Dad gave me an emergency mobile phone when I was 6 or maybe 7 in case I ever needed him for emergency’s, I’m not too sure what that means. I remember once I was in the corner shop on Newland Avenue next to Jackson’s and I went inside next moment my mum had gone, and I didn’t know what to do she had just left me there.

My step dad just came in the room and said he would have to leave me here to watch them, I didn’t like this idea as I am only 8 and I don’t want to be left alone without my mum and dad. He looked really concerned and said that he needed to go and look for mum as she had gone missing all day and that he was very worried about her.

10pm

Its a bit strange being in a house on my own my brothers eventually went to sleep.

There’s some blue lights flashing on the curtains, I wonder if that means mums home now.

What’s wrong with me ?

What’s wrong with me?

You tell me all the things I want to hear

And I want you to want me like you say you do

But I can’t be in love with you?

I can’t find the way to restart this game?

And things just don’t seem to feel the same?

What is wrong with me ?

Your telling me the things I died to hear…

My head hits the pillow

my head hits the pillow.. down falls my body

laying on the sheet

down goes my worries

inside it heats

off goes the quilt

my head hits the pillow

my head hits the pillow

Monday soon turns to Sunday

and Saturdays never felt the same since I was 18

thats a whole lot of alcohol

a whole lot of drinking

now people asking me why I don’t just have a bottle

my head hits the pillow

another pillow

another bed

and beside me another head

my body falls

it lands inside the sheets

my worries climb in

like I gave them some kind of welcoming

I’m a disaster and you still persue me

that’s a shame

my head hits the pillow

down goes my head

head on the pillow again and again…

Deadly

depression is an illness that knows no forgiveness. depression is deadly and can take over if you let it

depression is cunning and scarily addictive

can cast out a shadow of your worst fears and doubts

depression is a dementure that takes over your soul,

it feeds off your body it can swallow you whole,

depression is an illness a deadly disease,

it can spread it if you let it, take down cities and streets,

we need to work harder a cure must be there,

depression is deadly it just doesn’t care…

depression is darkness its voiceless and sharp,

intelligent and pretty like a spark in the heart,

don’t let depression make you feel guilty ashamed or afraid,

take back the courage to fight it away.

dont let people tell you your abnormal or strange, depression is common and can hurt anyone daily…

depression is close it came a couple of times, yeah a few, but I met some great people who had been through it too,

they gave me some pointers,

some tips to get rid,

but the remedy not quite there,

sometimes it can win.

Letter 6 ‘thunder’

6th of August 2007

‘Thunder’

Dear,

It’s been terrible weather this evening and whilst everyone else in the house cries or hides when the thunder and lightening strikes. Dad always runs up to the attic with a microphone recorder. I’m never allowed in the attic and I get pretty freaked out or scared by the dolls he keeps on the stairs and landing. They are the dolls you see in shop windows.
Mannequins so they call them.
Terrifying. 
I snuck up tip toeing up the stairs so he didn’t yell at me and tell me to go. He still managed to hear the very faint squeak of the floor boards break.
“Lil?”
I slowly started to walk backwards but nearly toppled over my feet my socks where loose.

“Lil is that you”

Dad asked opening the door.

“Yes” I whispered

“What are you doing up”

“I can’t sleep the thunders scary”

“It’s ok come in but then you must go to sleep”

The door creaked open I hadn’t been in the attic before. Dad hated me or my brothers going in. My step mum only ever went in to develop photos in water trays.

The room was cluttered with books, comics, toys still in boxes, we wasn’t allowed to take them out the packaging , speakers, baby dolls and mannequins and a record player. Some rope hanging with images pegged on.

Sat near the computer desk with the ceiling window open was dad “shhh…” he said “can you hear that?….it’s beautiful”

Aaaaand that’s ok with me

You can ruin my parade today

You can piss on my bonfire

You can eat all the birthday cake say they’re left overs and was by mistake

You can shit stir you can make me look like a fool

You can do it all you want because I’m giving up

Aaaaaand that’s ok, with me !

You can scare off all possible opportunities

You can take away my pride at least

You can act as though I am a beast

You can make out that I am a thief

It doesn’t seem to make much difference

Your efforts are insignificant

Aaaaaand that’s ok , with me!

You can burst all my balloons

You can call me names destroy my fun

You can trick me into loving you

Punish me time and time

I don’t care I guess I’m fine

Aaaaaaand that’s ok, with me!

Lavender

Days and days go by,

my sweet god,

I’ve been waiting for you,

Your calming eyes,

Blue with a haze of purple ,

Black dot in the circle ,

You’ve been travelling through the night to get to me, at last ,

You was careful ,

You’ve found me…

My sweet lover ,

You was almost saturated in a fountain of bloody water,

Now your turning it back to blue,

Slipping your hands in and out ,

Is it better on the other side ?

My sweet god ,

With your calming heroic energy ,

Disastrous weather never bothered thee ,

And golden robes drape down on he,

The god of positive energy ,

Calming like

‘Lavender’

…growing in fields in France waving around it dances

Grab my hand whilst where standing ,

You came to me ,

Rescued me from drowning ,

My sweet god.

calming eyes,

Blue with a haze of purple,

Black dot in the circle,

golden robes right to your ankle ,

Your halo above it sparkles,

Will you rip it down wrap it round me neck and strangle ?

I’ve always been too much for a god to handle ,

Are you sure that I won’t be too much of a handful ?

I know I could be like ,

Lavender.

We don’t ever speak of Lavender

Would it ever be like Lavender?

Does she smell just like Lavender?

~

Sweet god, my traveller,

Eyes Blue with a haze of purple,

Black dot in the circle,

You travelled all this way,

Too meet me in the fields of gray,

To tell me it’s way too late….

Letter 5 ‘ice cream with grandad’

5th of August 2008

Grandad picked me and my brothers up to go to Hornsea today. It’s been the hottest week in summer for years. He picked us up about half past 10 in the morning as we didn’t want to set off much later with risk of it being even warmer travelling.

We climbed in put our seatbelts on that was the most important part Grandad was adamant we all had our seatbelts on and we was in safe. Younger brother in his car seat eldest on the booster seat and me squished in the middle with my Sony Ericsson listening to annoying mobile tunes or playing snake.

It was really warm and our bodies would stick to the leather seats of the car , Grandad is proud of his car even though it smells like a horses foot. But we couldn’t and wouldn’t say that because he would be very defensive ! And would be classed as being rude. But it still smelt like a horses foot and I always saw the humour in that.

Mum was sat in the front with the window half way down and l Grandad had his thick leather jacket on and cap which was new because he normally always had his winter hat on even thought its summer. He also had his big round glasses that he’d been wearing since 1995.

My brothers wouldn’t stop arguing to he turned up the jazz music he had recorded on cassette really loud until my youngest brother eventually fell asleep.

Arriving-

Well this is our summer holiday, break away a couple of hours, by the seaside and maybe a chance of an ice cream depending how much change mum had on her . Although grandad always did end up trying to get money out of the ATM, that’s if he could see the pin pad.

The sea was rough today and soon cooled off by the time we arrived. Grandad eventually took off his leather jacket and hat and left it in the boot of the car handing over our bucket and spades although we didn’t feel like digging as it was starting to get really cold.

We walked up to the splash part where there was a shop right next to it where it sold ice creams cakes a cup of tea. Mum and grandad would always indulge in a cuppa whilst me and my brothers had a ice cream with a flake. No matter the weather we always tried to enjoy an ice cream with Grandad, and no matter the weather Grandad would always enjoy taking us all out what ever the weather….

Happy Birthday Grandad you would have been 73 today! You are much loved and missed ! Thankyou for so many good memories I know you’d be with us at the seaside now if you could be.

Letter 4 ‘The ice creams’

4th August year unknown

Dear , 
I’ve been busy today, the sun has been glowing and we’ve been running around at #Spurnpoint we always make it a competition to see who can run to the abandoned #spurnpointlighthouse first. The sand looked golden and fluffy, the sea calm with frothy with with bubbles at the edges of the waves. Water clear and see-through in the middle. The whole sky reflected across the water you could see the sky and the seagulls dancing around in the waters mirror.
And … no one else was there just us. I’m soaked , but that doesn’t matter I’ve got sand in my socks and shoes. Dads hair it tied up in a knot, he seems really happy today. My step mum and I walked across the stones , bare footed of course, at the top near the cliffs looking for sea shells, fossils like ammonites and smoothed stained glass. 
We’ve had a really nice day, my youngest brother is in the car seat fast asleep and my eldest is eating ice cream out of a cone. It’s a strange story , I was walking along on my own whilst everyone was getting into the car when I saw a piece of paper sticking out of the sand. I almost ignored it at first. But I reached out and pulled it from the sand, to see that it was a 20 pound note!
In amazement I ran over to dad but he said I should share it with everyone and get them an ice cream. So I did. 

One last thought before bed

I miss it,

But I’m so damn grateful that I’m so far away from that place,

I hate that I think of it,

But I know where I am,

I’m in such a safer environment,

It’s slightly distressing in the back of my memories,

The house was beautiful,

I imaged dancing holding wedding drapes,

Scrubbing off pieces of our wedding cake,

I miss it but it’s that part of my soul that needs to evaporator into the earth and never return,

I imagined raising our first child,

I watched them run in the garden,

All the seeds and flowers I watched them grow,

Nursed them as if I was a talented gardener,

But I had to leave all of that behind and that is was destroys me,

And as I look back in the memories of my mind.

I just see hate.

Blackness covering the garden.

Weed killer murdering the flowers.

And no child.

No cake.

No wedding drapes.

The world can harbour evil,

Who am I to challenge it?

And although deep this may seem,

It is sometimes one last thought before I go to bed.

8th jan 2019

anxiety my chains

Anxiety my chains
.
I’m shy,
but not really,
smile,
but I’m                  secrectly,
crying.
I’m laughing!
silent,
but I’m chatting!
.
I’m shy,
but not really.
I’m cold,
and im needy.
the
attention
you
give
me
smokes
like
fire
in my belly.
and im ready,
when your ready…
slow  ,
but I’m steady,
quick,
and on edge,
anxiety.
my chains
just want to feel,’normal’ again.
.

I got all the answers I need

This is it,

there is no us,

no then, no now

this is it,

I’ve been ignoring myself for too long,

for so long,

I have all the answers I need,

I can go on along as I please.

Time to take care of me,

this is it there is no we.

Just I.

I got all the answers I need.

This is how it should of been

Good morning naivety! 
Arms stretched out along the sofa 

Your shuffling a little closer 

Dinner in the oven by 6 and if it’s not , it’s going to be just eat! 

You smile at me like we’ve never been broken 

And I chuck the last slice at you like you’ve never eaten

Feet up on my knees 

And telly on loud so the neighbours don’t hear 

Your shoes thrown on the landing dear

Your lips all on my back and ears 

Fuck all meds and sertraline

Because this is how it should of been ! 
Passing your earing, to put on the side 

A drink perched next to us for the time 

That we get thirsty after this rhyme 

So your still thinking how to trick me next 

But I’m always a step a head 

And we lay across your bed 

Like we have only just met 

Your cold and I appreciate 

That things can never be too late 

Door opens and the car engines on 

It’s time for work but even when I go your never gone 

You drop me off so you can go 

My hand it holds on to yours 

As you push the steering wheel

You kiss me on my face it seems 

And I turn to you I smile and beam 

You say ‘what do you think all this means?’

And I say 

…this is how it should of been!’

I’m home first and that’s ok 

I chuck my purse on to the side again 

My phone it’s plugged into your charger 

I know that sort of makes you mad 

Kettle on because I know you love a brew 

And I can’t wait to just be with you 

It’s passed 6 your still not back 

And I sort of got stuck with a microwave pack 

I remember to wash your jeans 

For the weekend we spend time to be free 

I remember as you turned to me 

Laughing we giggled about 

How this is how we should of been 

The clocks been ticking for some time 

And I’m starting to go out my mind 

It’s 10pm and 6calls you’ve not returned 

I throw your meal into the litter 

And your cuppa went cold by supper 

I just hope your not in trouble 

But my fear is I’m seeing double

A catastrophe is about to elapse 

My body feels like it might collapse I fall asleep on the sofa…

To return to see you still not here. 

He’s a mess

He’s a mess

He’s a mess

so he’s healing

Whilst time is slow to him

It’s been a year to her

He’s a state

So he’s taking time away

She’s discovering love for word play

And performance poetry.

He’s breaking down

Giving all out

And she tried a few times

To get him to hear her loud

But he doesn’t want to listen

Doesn’t want to respond

She’s breaking too

There is no bond

She’s crying out for attention

But and the same time she just wants to give affection

And the random memories

Pop up here and there

She just wishes she could shift the earth

She changed her looks

Cut all her hair

She breaking

He’s still not recovering

There’s been no conversation since

Is this there transformation times?

Next time they meet will they be different

Will he tell her the truth and know emotions

Or will he be gone and still living in slow motion ?

And…what about that time they sat?

he walked over, slumped

His head he leaned across her chest

He laid his worries stresses, his mess

She wasn’t sure how to react

laid her hand across his chest

she absorbed his troubles too

she had no clue to what to do

He sighed and almost cried a tear

Why is he so desperately living in fear

She felt that he had not been cared for

But out she left again out of that door

A million words shared in just one setting

Is it all still worth forgetting ?

The mind sticks and clings to things we think we should get to know

But maybe she ought to let it go.

He’s a mess

She’s broken

Anticipating words unspoken

And if she hadn’t been through enough

The next parts gonna be really tough …

Letter 3 ‘The ice cream’

3rd of August 2003
Monday 
Dad and my step mum have been arguing for days now. I don’t really understand what they’re arguing about I’m too young to get it. Although it does make me feel on edge. Dad seems to be very strict always sending me to my room but my step brother is always alowed out into the garden and I sit and watch him sometimes from my bedroom window.
I saw them digging together , my step mum was telling us to look for roman coins and I wanted to find dinosaur bones or treasure. Everything was going fine and then dad came back and he sent me to my room. 
Tuesday 
They’re still arguing I just woke up to them having loud words with one another . I blame myself . Because I know sometimes I get a little stroppy but I don’t mean for it to cause all this. I just feel left out all the time and dads always telling me off . Or my step mum gets mad and I don’t really understand why. I haven’t seen my mum for some time too because she’s not well again. I didn’t think that the cold or flu would stop you being able to see your kid for weeks. But I suppose I will just have to wait till she is better. I do miss her though. 
I did something wrong I was a brat so they say in there arguments, I couldn’t help but over hear and just started crying sitting by my bedroom door. Then my dad thumped on the door and I jumped right out of my skin. 
‘Get dressed’ he said and walked off. 
The car
I have no idea where we are going and dad won’t really talk to me he’s not said what’s wrong or what’s happening. 
We arrived in York some hour later and he took me around the city and town not really saying much at all. He then asked me if I would like an ice cream of course I would have liked an ice cream I hadn’t eaten lunch for a day or so, I kept being told to eat what I get off the plate or get nothing at all. I really struggle to eat I get upset stomach or it taste funny, or I just don’t feel like eating. I think that’s maybe what made my step mum upset. Dad got me a huge ice cream and we continued to walk down the tiny little pebbled street to watch street performers and someone pretending to be a statue. 

You and your giddy 😊

I wrote this one today:

Okay so I wrote this one today and its called ‘you and your giddy smile’

YOU could kill with those eyes

I sat down

you sat by

you could rotate the whole world

with those words

you leaned on me

I let you in

you haven’t left the flat for some time

and I don’t know why someone like you would choose to hide

when All the tears have gone and cried

I know I could’ve spent all the while

with just YOU and your ‘giddy smile’

you put the effort in and that’s what counts

now you started saying things like

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong

and

women seem to be mad and I don’t even know what I’m doing

that’s fine

I didn’t have any reason to be mad

with you anymore,

your okay and I’m alright,

I know that will get through the night,

I sat down and you sat by

you could rotate whole world with your words

you leaned on me

I’ll let you in when all the tears have gone and cried

I know I could just spend all the while with … just you and your

giddy smile…

Letter 2 ‘the guitar’

2nd of August 2015

‘the guitar’

Dear ………

Hey, its been a long week and I’ve not really seen anyone for a long time. Mark is always at work he’s been staying on till 4, 5am in the morning. This is causing a lot of issues between us. I’m about 85% sure that his work place closes about 12:30.

It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been lied to. I know he sneaks to people’s houses and goes of to get drunk, and high or both. Our baby is about 6 months old now and I could really do with some support. I should be happy that today he has a day off work.

—–3pm

I put the kettle on and we both sat down to have a drink. I know he likes his tea sweet with just a dash of milk. He seemed happier today he even spontaneously decided to pick up the guitar and dust it off. I loved hearing him play the guitar it always made me feel at ease..

He been playing the guitar calmly asking me what I thought. The first conversation between us in over a week. I was sort of hoping he would open up about the time he spends out of the house or at least acknowledge how sad I’ve been feeling. Even a promise of a cup of tea in a cafe would be nice nothing amazing just so I could get out of the house. I’ve had stomach ache since I had baby and he doesn’t really notice he just shrugs me off or thinks I’m saying it so he work. 

7pm 

It’s bed time I’ve been trying to get the baby to sleep tryed to rock him relentlessly, but he just won’t go to bed. He’s had calpol, breastmilk, yoghurt, toys. I literally gave up. Mark came upstairs but after me asking 4 to 5 times. I know it’s his night off he’s busy playing yugio card games with his friends. But I really needed a partner tonight. I’ve not had much sleep with him staying on at work and baby won’t sleep. 
Anyway, Marks taking over for the time being. So far it’s working… how can he not see that he has good potential to be a good dad. 
10:30pm 
Mark and his mates are now all stoned so if baby wakes up there is no chance of asking him again for any help….he’s at work he said for the next 5 days then is going to a work party. I know it’s his night off but I was sort of hoping it could have been my night off too.

1st of August 2013 Letter 1 : “it should of been me”

“It should of been me”
1st of August 2013

Dear…

Hello, we’re half way there in one of my dads friends car.

First day without Bella away from home, I haven’t travelled very far in about 4 years. There isn’t too much to talk about on the way although there probably should have been.

It was nice just looking out of the car window at the scenery, something other than Hull.

I’m 18 and today I’m feeling very confused about the whole day. I was told to dress colourful. I didn’t really get a great chance to know her all that well. I felt like I knew her slightly. I remember being told to leave her alone there where a few words and I was ushered to the side.

She always said I was welcome to talk to her so I don’t know why dad didn’t like that.

It was only last month that I was told she was sick. I can’t believe now that she’s actually gone.

11:40

We’ve just arrived with a few hours to spare, I haven’t seen him in a year so I was excited to see him again. Although I realised this wasn’t a family reunion.

11:54

My dad walked over didn’t really say much , still looked the same, still pacing around on edge, still absent but understandable more so today out of all days. He walked me around the village and the place he had been staying. She always had an eye for beautiful fascinating decorations, I remembered dad telling me one of the first things about her, that she loved being creative and making stained glass windows.

12:45

Dad was trembling whilst getting ready for church “what have I done?” He said I didn’t know what he was on about. “What do you mean ? You’ve done the best you could have” I responded.

He opened the cupboard and boxes and tubs and bottles of pills fell out onto the floor. It was all the medication she needed to help her whilst she was unwell.

“I went to get the prescriptions, I gave her the medicine , it should have been me!” He explained. He then went on to say that he had enough pills left to finish it all. I could tell he was hurting and clearly needed help I didn’t know what to say as his 18 year old daughter.

It wasn’t his fault and I told him that it wasn’t the medication it would have been the cancer, he did all he could have done.

1pm

Everyone was arriving now, I was told to dress in colourful clothes.

Everyone else was in black.

dear reader

dear readers….

I would like to thankyou for all your time and support on my creative writing journey. I am honored to share my poems with you my posts about my life and journey. I would really like to now take this opportunity to write even more…

I know I have my own style and specific audience and that’s fine.

Even if I get one person reading
that is massive to me and means a great deal…

I would like to welcome you to the next 31 Days of August where I will be writing in the style of a diary in Letter form. You guessed it! Lettersyoullneversee original.

I want to be able to write an expressive form of writing, I don’t want to refrain or take out things, I want this to be an original piece of work. I don’t know where the journey will land me, if viewers will read, if people will enjoy it.

that’s OK, so long as that one person is with me every step of the way. I will try to keep up with it best I can.

now…. I want to warn anyone who is used to usual content, the letters written in a diary entry are from some true life events, some are real characters some maybe made up or over emphsised. This is written for an adult audience and not aimed at children. Based on the mind of a child, pre teen and young adult, in jumbled formation. There is 100% no intent to cause anyone upset or distress.

Tomorrow I welcome you to Lettersyoullneversee 2019 Letters!

Thankyou again for reading

Much love, yours truly 😘

Lilyth

I Surrender all I know

I surrender
Everything I thought I knew 
And all of my beliefs 
I’ll just throw them in a bucket pour them over into the dock 
I surrender what I thought was the conclusion and accept that it was my own confusion
My anxiety is here again to blame 
For playing mind games in my brain 
It’s lead me on thinking and wondering and questioning for months 
And I need to let go 
surrender everything I know 
Not feel burdened along the way 
Leave the bucket on the stones
My shoes beside the corner of the street 
The last place that I saw you 
Let go of all I know 
In a weeks time 
I won’t remember your name.
I won’t remember your face.
I won’t remember the place.
I surrender all I know. 

depression is criminal

there is no room
for me
there are no seats
for me
nowhere for me to go
no place
no home
no friends that walk along
no place that I belong
and depression it carries on
no room
she needed me at one point
and doesn’t need me anymore
and he got angry impatient
out he walked
right out of the door
he hurt me twice and over
but I still let him in
and she moved away to somewhere
to far for me to be
family seem absent
don’t notice me these days
and temperatures
keep rising
nothing seems to change
I hear a voice it murmers
somewhere in the crowd
I’m hoping he will remember me
but the depressions far too loud
soon the tumble takes over
and the reality falls apart
it’s taking me forever
to keep up with my heart….

he started meeting strangers off the Internet

he started meeting strangers off the Internet
still attached to the relationship with the girl who has an attitude problem worse than her mother
and
he never really actually liked her that much
he was more curious about her brother

I offered him arms and hope but he went back to drugs and smoke
whilst he was turning a different corner
he forgot about the things I told him

he started meeting strangers off the Internet
and he
always ignored me but never blocked me
just blanked me
I never understood why
maybe it was because he didn’t want me completely out of his life

I tried to give him opportunity’s to reach out
but
he kept going back to the girl with the attitude problem worse than her mother
and
I tried to be a friend tried to help him mend
but he pushed me away and said and did mean things mean actions

he started meeting strangers off the Internet
still with purpose to find cure for loneliness
even though he knows if he needed me
I’d be there in a heartbeat

You say the words I want to hear

 

(warning poem contains swears)

 

You say the words I want to hear.

Look, I don’t have time for all these games,
When we were younger it was easier,
And you probably didn’t intend to,
But this time it is meaner, and I want to attend to,
The harm you’ve inflicted,
Before I become addicted.

Please don’t act like you give an interest,
We all know who gives zero fucks around here,
Please don’t say you’d come to me and rescue me,
We all know who talks shit around here,
Just please don’t act like you give an interest.

Even though it breaks my heart,

I’ve turned a corner for a fresh start.

I can’t die twice in your arms.

and I cant keep being harmed.

we all know you give zero fucks around here.

I’m so in love 😍

even if your not with me
even if your too far to see
even if we will never be
I’m still so in love

done the devil’s deed
but you’ve almost put the demons to bed
all the lies I have been fed
im still so in love

all the drugs and all the drink
don’t get to sleep no not a wink
I’ve stopped caring what people think
I’m still so in love

even after the rejection
acceptance of imperfection
becoming part of your confection
I’m still so in love

even after your taste of many women
their kisses sitting on your lips
breathing into my lungs
I’m still so in love

even after all the close reminders why
you shouldn’t be in my life

I’m
still
so…

drunk

hey, if you see this…. call me

if my links still saved in your phone
if my links still there on your laptop, alone
if my books in sync with your soul
if there’s room for me in those gaps and holes
if there is any doubt
or feeling at all
if your sitting there. and feel alone
all tensed up and about to blow
if there’s something in the water now
if there’s something you want to say but don’t know how
if you’ve searched my name a million times
you’ve crossed so many broken lines
if there is anything left on your earth at all
if your feeling empty and want more
then all you have to do is dial
unblock my number for a chance to smile
still pretending that it isn’t supposed to be this way
when you can clearly see.
that there is no place you’d rather be
that girls not right it should be me
if you think at last there’s a chance to fall
then all you got to do is call.
there’s still time
I’m alive
we’re pumping
our hearts still beat
like young love is supposed to
I want to be your only
your go to
let’s make this a year to remeber
let’s take this back to December.

goodnight goodbye

Goodnight
goodbye.

my lover living by the river
my lover living by the ripples
of the oceon
trickling in…

goodnight goodbye.

this shall be the last time
distancing but
looking back
but never going in
car shuts,
the rubber sticks to the door frame
sealing in the pented emotions,
I left
and in the passenger seat
did I leave a hair?
my perfume there?
was it enough for you to look back and see
me
sitting
whilst you was
smiling
holding my hand
I slipped it into yours on the gear…

what happend to us dear?
why did you leave in fear?

goodnight goodbye.

may all the ships sail in and out your life
living by the river
not a stone thrown in our name
why couldn’t it bounce along
then sink deeply
like the love in our blood
and the sharpness in our brains
I opened up, now I’m hurting,
more than I thought I ever could.

goodnight
goodbye.

your motor engine softly glides
back into the night
I’m waiting around
awhile
to see if you’d pass me by
but no humming of your motor arrives
outside my door…

goodnight, goodbye.

my lover living by the river
watching people taking pictures
im waiting for it, when it hits you
that I am no longer with you.

goodnight, goodbye.

when will you

when will you realise
that I’m only here
by your side
drowning inside your lies
burry me deep in your eyes
when will you open your mind
see im sat
I’m by your side
treat me like a piece of dirt
rub my face in shit
until I’m hurt
why is it not enough
that
I’m around you
and I sell my love
why is it not good enough
that
the things I continue to put up
all the damage that you do
why do you keep putting me through?
when will you be a friend?
when will you be a friend?
when will you be
a
friend.

Trusting

Trusting

I took you in
Like I forgot all bad
I pressed restart
And now
I lay here
I’m regret looking up in the dark
I treated you like a puppy
But you bit like a shark
And I gave you
A section
Tiny section of my heart
But you took the whole lot
And now I’m startled
Don’t know where to start
And I’m
Frozen…
Stood in the middle of a war zone
Battling emotions I never knew I even had
Happy keeps dancing away with sad
And I’m
Punishing myself
Thinking why did I even let you in
How on earth could I be so trusting.

utterly devoted

Utterly devoted
and
paranoidly overwhelmed
that there is nothing better
ever better
something
somewhere
in this world.

utterly devoted
slaving
in worship over you.

digging bigger holes
landing me in limbo
catch 22

utterly devoted
obsessed
head mess
digressing, bed sweating.
over you.

I know its taking over,
but my thoughts are warmer,
when I think of you.
I am and as I stand utterly devoted.

i’d give love, for arms

right now
I’d do anything
I’d give my self away
just to be heard again

right now
I’d do anything.
I’d steal
I’d beg
I’d plead
just to get this one thing that I need.

right now
I’d be more than happy
to offer, all my life
for love it has no price
not just a sacrifice
leave a sour taste for afterlife
and I know its not much in return
and I don’t think I will ever learn
but I would give my whole
pour all my heart and soul…

I’d give love,
just for your arms.

gone

it’s really starting to hit home
that your gone.. and I’m alone
and I hate this selfish feeling for need,
its unsettling me,
that your gone,
and the memories…
all muddled into one,
become fog,
like we never ever met,
seems wrong,
I hate it,
its horrible,
we can’t and dont talk,
and I go around in circles in my head all day,
telling myself all the bad,
making it sound good.

Denial

No one

And nothing ,

Is perfect …

Nothing,

And no one and

Not even my own mum ,

Is perfect …

Even my own reflection,

Isn’t perfect, but

When I see you,

And I feel your presence,

It’s

Perfect.

And I know,

In the end,

If you work it,

It would be worth it,

We, would be, worth it.

It would be perfect.

The Cage (adult short story)

Adult short story based on an experience.
By Lilyth Coglan
WordPress: lettersyoullneversee2019.com

My eyes were slowly starting to open, and I thought maybe I had made it back home. Why was it still dark? and where was I? My head felt like it was internally bruised. I could only just lift it up off the floor, it felt heavy.
I began to gather myself and I could see that I was inside something? A boot of a car? No. Someone’s house, I don’t think so. I used my arms to slowly lift myself off the floor, there was a dim flicker of light. I feel like I have been carried and put here as my legs feel so weak and I’m tired. I’m not sure what to think, it’s been a long night, week in fact. But now, I’m starting to panic.
My feet are bare, but I still have my black dress on that I bought with my best friend on my 19th birthday. It has thin straps over the shoulder and comes just before the knee. I seemed to have one strap snapped dangling on to my back. I could see that my nails are still painted in glossy red, some chipping on my thumb and middle finger. I can sense a strong smell of perfume, vodka and red bull and passive cigarette smoke.
Where am I? What is this place, is it some sick prank that I’ve been dragged into, literally dragged?
With the flickering of yellow light, I could see my heels in the distance just lying there, bundled together. Shadow lines where falling on to me as I began to regain consciousness some more, I could see that I seemed to be in a jail? or a cell?
Maybe there was a fight and I got pulled into it.
I’m innocent!
I could feel my heart racing and my hands beginning to shake. I’m standing up now and I can see that I am surrounded by metal poles, all lined together. I think I am stood in a shape, I’m walking up towards the bars around me. I’m in a square sort of shape.
“Hello! Help! Help! Anyone here?”
My voice, not even echoing. I shout louder.
“Help me! Help!”
I can’t see anything else in the room, no windows, no doors and worst of all no people. I sat back down along the bars and trying to think hard about what’s happening.
I seem to be sat inside a cage.
*
The room’s still dark, I’ve been sat here for maybe 10 minutes, thinking. The night began early like many, we had alco’ pops at home in the flat. It’s a nightmare flat. The neighbours above have been throwing needles out on the garden floor, it’s a shared garden, but that’s not the kind of sharing I want to be doing. I hate that place, but this place I’m in right now doesn’t seem to be much better.
There’s no one here, I’m going to waste my breath.
“Hello! Hello! HELLO!”
I must have been pretty wasted, I can still taste this fresh taste of acidic burning in my tummy. I am starting to feel grateful for the things I have out of this cage. Wow, this is a lot of deep thoughts in the space. I must have had my phone on me at some point, but I can’t remember having a bag, I remember Katie and I messaging each other throughout the night. I just started to think about all my family and friends especially my best friend Katie if I’m here then, where is she? have they got her too? I am so confused I just want to get out, I can feel myself feeling more and more squashed the longer I’m in here and I feel like crying isn’t going to help either.
I gave up on the only exit I could see and started to walk around the cage and see if I could see anything significant.
A flickering of pasty yellow light kept coming and going. Like a light in a hall of a big house that needs changing and is about to blow. It feels like it’s the only thing keeping me sane right now.
I came up with an idea to reach my shoes through the bars, maybe the pointy heel part could help me jab the lock open, I tried with huge efforts to slide my slim arms through the gaps in the railings.
Eventually I decided to call a defeat. I’m stuck alone and clearly no one can hear me.
*
I feel like there’s an out of body of me somewhere else dragging my soul along, perhaps I’m just dreaming. All these thoughts just keep flooding into my head over and over. I curled into a ball and tried to go to sleep. I clenched my eyes shut tightly, but I just couldn’t drift. I wished I was anywhere else but here right now. It reminded me of that scene in Peter Pan where in his hand there is a fairy laid there lifeless, and he chants “I do believe in fairies, I do, I do” and just like that she slowly comes back to life.
There is hope.
For some reason I couldn’t fall asleep and then suddenly, I found myself drift into a heavy deep dream. Friends, the night club, music, dancing. A man whose face I know so well and perhaps even falling for. I kept crossing him on the way out to the smokers’ yard. He was wearing a shirt, looked smart to be honest. He’d been talking to me for some while, I think he fancied me. Katie kept telling me to stay away and I didn’t really know why, she always jokes that she has this sixth sense of being able to tell what people are thinking and what they are doing.
On the 4th time of bumping into him as the night progressed, his collar was covered in makeup smudges and lipstick kisses. Even on his face, I was livid, and I don’t really know why I was to be honest. Maybe because I felt a little led on, and if a girl got that close then he was quite obviously flirting.
‘what’s this!?’ I giggled and hiccupped pulling at his shirt. He just laughed and walked back off into the nightclub. S
Then out of nowhere a bright light beamed on my face. Feeling sad and upset, like the party had suddenly turned for the worst. Why is that my last memories? Is it telling me something?
I opened one eye slowly under this bright light, and then the other. The silence was quickly broken by loud people talking and laughing, arguing and throwing up. I was slumped on the floor sat against a window, crowded with people, loud rowdy drunk people. Could see legs, lots of legs all stood around me. Smell horrible greasy chip fat and burnt pizza cheese.
I tried to hold my gaze long enough but with a huge gasp of air I was sent back spiralling and before I knew it back inside the cage. This time stood up, perfect order, no rips, bruises my shoes dangling in my hands knocking gently together, no horrible after taste of cheap welly vodka and red bull. I felt as if I had just begun the night again. The cage seemed different now. There’s no pitch-black darkness, or a small shadow of flickering light. The room is square and painted white. I still see no exit and no windows.
“Hello, is anyone here?”
I shouted louder.
A force pushed me backwards, I tripped and fell onto the floor banging my head against the bars of the cage. Only to wake up again in what seemed to be the take away.
“what the fuck are you doing?”
A familiar sweet calming voice..
Beside me that same scent, feeling, force of attraction. Hang on, its him the same guy from the club. The same guy that’s been talking to me for almost a year.
“I said what the fuck are you doing?”
I have no idea why she kept saying this, and I don’t think she was saying it to me.
My eyes closed again I really needed to open them, but I just didn’t have the strength. My body paralysed. I have no control over it. I know I have drunk a fair bit, but I have never ended up quite this way. I remember Katie bringing me double vodka cokes, downing sambuca shots. Surely, I haven’t been spiked?
He was leaning on to me close, I managed to turn my head and look at his face. Everything felt like it was in slow motion.
I’ve become unconscious again.
*
I’m stood standing in my underwear, my arms wrapped around my body. This time I seem to be standing inside the cage. The room is spinning lights are flashing, words showing up across the walls in red paint,
‘SLAG, WHORE, FAKE, USER, SEX, SLAG, WHORE, USER, SEX, FAKE’
“Get me out!” I scream “Get me out, I want to leave!” black mascara tears ran down my foundation face. Skin coloured drops dripped on to the collar of my dress.
Running to the bars, I pushed them and pulled them, tried to stretch them open.
“Let me out, let me out now”
Then bam! I was slumped up against the takeaway window. The guy next to me, the guy from the club, the guy I had been texting for almost a year. I could smell his cologne along with sweat from dancing, I didn’t care. I had wanted to be around him for some time. He seemed right, it seemed right.
“What the fuck are you doing?”
That voice again, Katie my beautiful friend. Oh, how relieved I was to hear her sweet Yorkshire accent. My stomach was rough, and I was starting to feel queasy, legs like lead. Then a faint weight was sitting, landed upon my right leg, on the inner thigh. Reaching in further, it was his hand going up my dress.
“I said what the fuck are you doing”
Katie grabbed the guys arm and pulled it off my skin. I stood up with shock, staring into the man’s eyes. I thought maybe one day he was going to be my boyfriend.
Chunks of pizza and chips was thrown across the takeaway floor and pavement.
He smirked, holding his arms out to the side of his hips “I’m not doing anything…”
Katie quickly stood up still in her heels, and what seemed to be in her right hand my shoes and phone. In her left hand a bag of food from the takeaway. She came towards me and lead me out the door to leave. I looked at her, with relief and shock.
“That was scary…”

What kind of poet are you ?

He asked me
Half heartedly
“What kind of poet are you?”
You said you didn’t really read,
But I smiled when I saw that you watched tv with the subs,
“What kind of poet are you?”
A question no one really was too interested to ask,
You don’t ever judge me,
Just look,
Watch me rambling on as ever,
‘Why can’t we just be together?’
In that moment It seemed perfect,
That was then and this is now,
Whilst I thought about what kind
Of poet I am,
I realised I don’t have to be a type,
You seemed to have taken an interest,
That made me hopeful,
A hopefully romantically lost poet I was,
You left me in an ally way in the dead of night,
Now a dangerous poet I am.

Poems

I have been uploading on YouTube and on instagram feel welcome to take a look will update with poems soon Thankyou for all your time ❤️ hope everyone is okay 💖

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