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surround

surround yourself with innocence

positiveness no negatives.

 

surround yourself with happiness

love and respect

no regrets

 

surround yourself

with colours

music, sounds

don’t belive all hope is lost it can be found.

 

surround yourself with perfect opportunities

to be ones best

because you are blessed

don’t be afraid your journey is not over yet

take baby steps.

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childish

they call me childish and demanding,

needy and commanding,

they think I crave the lust of a man’s lips that have already been taken by another woman,

attention seeker

drama maker….

they think I crave the passion of a man’s hands that are already being held.

When in reality,

I sit here.

with a sound of a pin, 

filling the silence within.

awkwardness tenderly strokes across the skin of his spine.

I know.

I know.

We will never be, ever be,

but they think it’s as clear as it’s seems,

he has no time,

and my poetry makes him anxious,

nauseous,

he’s stuck in a memory that shouldn’t be,

but it used to be,

a baby to a woman he regrets to have set his eyes on.

hoped what had happen would just fade away and be gone,

but a child was born.

they think that I am childish, demanding,

they prise at me like a fork to a tin,

but I don’t give in,

I am a warrior! I am a survivor!

I am not what you think I am!

 

image by chooo-san

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citalopram

citalopram

spread the curtains
see the sun
another day has now begun

blessed with pleasent memories,

try and take each day with some ease.
Wake up the sun is up
have a coffee or a cup of tea
then
10 to 20 mg
pop it out the pack.
citalopram
.
mixed views, mixed reviews
the doctors commonly prescribe
but why does it feel like I’ve lost the person inside?
it takes a month before it works
I already thought I was at my worst
feed the baby
push the pram
pop it out the pack
citalopram
.

my mouth feels dry

my eyes are heavy

they make me want to go to bed already

I still don’t have a stable head

my heart beat it seems to be unsteady

I hope I’m ready

the doctor said it would be a remedy

Im trying as best as I can

goodbye bad feelings

citalopram.

to friends who have had to take antidepressants. your not alone.

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pulling

a zip.
a tie.
buttons, clips, unopened, sealed, unspoken,
you look at me,
and then you see,
me come undone.
shoe lace knotted over and over,
draws jammed, morning shower,
water pours over my youthful skin,
pink and full of life,
change my life?
you say half the battle is almost won,
you look at me,
I come undone.
age defined my naivety,
but when your around me I feel the gravity,
food up high, on shelves near by,
fridge flourishing with fruit,
the sun it shines,
on to my hands,
you look at me,
our journey has begun,
I come undone.

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she asked me

she asked me

what you did

the first the second and now her

they ask.

I cut you out  and I feel safer that way,

you controlled me at such a young age,

you scared me, with you tempered rage.

it took so long to feel again,

you will never change.

do I tell her? when they ask me?

that you harmed me,

do I tell her?

would she care?

she asked me your history,

full of dusty holes and misery,

a child you lost,

her safety.

from your foul mouth and hurting,

couldn’t you just have cared for me?

Then this place we wouldn’t be.

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I’ll be

You will always know where I will be

I’ll be

I know you’ve had it difficult

Let me help you heal

I know you’ve taken chances

And they didn’t reveal

You shouldn’t feel worthless

Keep up the promises

There is nothing wrong with you

There’s nothing you can do

But I’ll be there

I’ll be there

It’s ok to feel a little scared

Give people a chance

Over cautious

Yeah the drugs didn’t help

But your moving forwards

I this is awkward

I’ll be there

I’ll be.

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Hurt.

Someone will always hurt you.

the feelings of being hurt will always be felt,

sometimes the hurt is wrong,

and sometimes they may have never meant to hurt you,

when they don’t mean to hurt you, you have to accept it was an accident,

knowing the differences is better for your wellbeing,

allowing yourself to believe that ‘hurt’ is always the worst,

can destroy you.

But there’s always love somewhere beneath,

You just have to believe,

Hurt comes and hurt goes,

It morphs in different forms,

Anger within the hurt allows us to grow,

Are your never going through it alone. Goodbye hurt.

 

 

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SoUp

Soup

I can’t get the card to work at the till
And the weighing machine is getting it wrong
The woman stares at me like I’m supposed to be superwoman
The bouncer follows like I’m causing trouble
I have a pram and a toddler crying
People glare, yeah it’s trying
I had to abandon the freshly packed bags
Not enough in the bank
Sometimes it feels like I’m stuck in a loop
At least I can get me and me kids some soup.
*
They don’t want much
It’s really sweet
but battling daily to make sure they’ve had something to eat
Feels like a human right dying
I sometimes hear my self standing and sighing
What will the government do?
Give a food bank voucher to me and you?
How many times will I have to wonder
Rising cost of living …
Churning
stomach
Grumbling
thunder
Nothing in the bank
Dragging my body through the puddles
I just need someone’s umbrella to help me recoup
Least  I can get me and me kids some soup.
*
I get looked at like im the criminal
Yet it’s the TV adverts that are subliminal
We can’t afford to eat
Get on a bus but there’s still no seats
Yet they still insist
McDonald’s should be on our daily list …
of things to do
I’m done with it
What about the parents who don’t pay child maintenance
No nhs dentists left and my tooth hurts
I can’t work
Child care more than the rent
The system is just so damn bent
But it’s all on me
Sick
of
this
messed
up
country

Please leave me alone in the street

I don’t want to tick anything about my ethnic group

Surely it’s the least you could do

Just let me and me kids get some fucking soup.

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It seems like I’ve known you a long time

Longer than the time that’s been mine

I don’t like to wait like I’m in line

And I’m sure when we meet it will be just fine.

*

It’s nice that your unique

I like it

Don’t let no bitches take from it

Don’t let noone give you shit

Or leave you toxic

Your energy is magic

Some people are fake and I don’t trip on that shit.

*

Don’t need no moons or stars to complete this 

This feeling is something

Bliss

And I’ve been searching and holding out for so long

To find someone like you to get along

Belong

Hold on

Your my journey

We will go places

Go further

Page turner

Thank you for being you

Thank you for being true

It’s hard for me to open up too

And I hope we can build on something new.

 

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It started of as one

Then one became two

Then two became 3 and 3 became 4

I don’t want anymore

Go ahead shut the door

Open arms to the floor

I can’t trust anymore

The house it creaks

And the neighbours don’t sleep

At the end of the street

A little girl weeps

A figure from the window

Eyes creeping from the pillow

4 became 3

And 3 became 2

2 became 1

Until  1 ….

She

vanished

Gone

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Selfish yellow

I know that my body can’t take much more heart ache,

But there’s something in my head that keeps telling me it’s my fate,

And know I shouldn’t feel like I do and it’s damaging too,

But noone is stopping you,

The nail varnish is split and coming off…

My hair I got cut and now I feel lost …

A person is a a person is a person to you …

I have run out of options and good ideas to do…

If only I knew love was all these emotions …

I thought it was just one plain simple straight forward potion …

Tell me what the fuck do I do? what the fuck do I do?

Please tell me that you feel this too?

Or just let me, let me go

From your selfish yellow

I can’t deal with the brightness …

It’s blinding me ,

And when you take your selfish yellow from me,

I wilt away in the breeze…

My shoes cant take no

more

walking

around.

The holes have started to form from rocks from the ground,

And I try to tell you but you don’t hear my sound,

I try to talk and you don’t want to know.

Can you turn away and move your selfish yellow?

So I can turn another direction to someone’s else’s colours,

Your yellow makes me feel so content,

But your selfish attitude drowns me over and over again.

Please my sweet boy my dream my dearest love,

Stop drowning me in your colour and  pulling me out.

 

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You was my perfect image of a husband,

Standing in the kitchen, you,

Held my back,

Kissed my neck,

In every room of our home,

In our home,

You always wanted to come home,

You used to crave….

Us being alone,

Never hung up the phone,

But its.

It’s gone.

You was the image stood at the end of the isle,

Staring at my beautiful gown,

You was my clown,

On rainy afternoons,

My hot chocolate,

On deary days,

And my sly tobacco kiss,

On naughty nights of drink.

My companion.

My soul mate.

Almost identical,

Apart from the obvious,

A man and a woman,

You was my perfect affection,

Perfect perfection ….

But now like dead petals.

Ripped from its body.

Floating solemnly…. Like our dreams and holidays,

Falling ,

in,

the,

air,

Then spaced out …

Laying on the ground ….

It seems,

It tells me that ,

You ,

Love me not,

And it hurts a lot…

To leave you behind.

Shattered wine glasses,

Wounds at the masses,

Feel like I’m standing in traffic.

 

 

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Would of been nice to get a card

Would of been nice to see you

Would of been nice to get a text

Would of been nice to believe you

Would of been nice if you meant what you said

Would of been nice if you did what you intent

Would of been nice if you didn’t waste my time

Would of been nice if I was yours and you was mine

Would of been fine.

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I don’t know why you took it upon yourself
To never make an effort again
When we seemed to be making progress
Why lie?
And I tried to forget about it
It didn’t seem like this would happen
And now I feel I will never hear from you again
Never be in that moment
It hurts me more than you think
You don’t think at all
Sometimes that hurts even more
I have to reprogram my skills to let you go
I have to act like I don’t have any pain anymore
I have to prove to people in my face and not let it show
I’ve got to accept I don’t hear from you
Reasons I won’t understand
Out of my hands
I know
I can’t force you to communicate
But this feeling is nothing to celebrate.

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No Psychologist

You’ve never been loved

never felt a real touch

or a real women show you her true emotions

never felt like you was entirely intact

lacked comfort in the bedroom

spinning head in the world of day

anxiety you seem to think is foreign to a man

hand shakes give it away

and the shallow echo of pacing footsteps circulating in the small space of the four walls you’ve landed in

there is nothing wrong with you.

No phsychologist could diagnose you with anything different than what I already see

a see a man slightly broken

but underneath

secrets you wont tell

secrets

I don’t need to know.

 

 

 

 

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Home

I will be searching my love,

Forever ….

Looking,

uncovering,

running,

For my beautiful soldier.

*

Oh, how strong you’ve been,

I will never hold you,

I don’t where you are it seems….

So I’ll  search the rivers streams,

The fields,

the streets,

the empty seats,

Looking,

hunting,

walking in bare feet,

Splinters,

dashes ,

cuts and more,

Scratches,

hickeys,

knickers on the floor,

A hut,

a rut,

a den,

the beds,

Lock pick this section inside my head,

Scoop up the mud and scrape with my hands,

Search for my lover and do as he commands.

The sand,

the sea,

the ocean floor.

Hotel,

motel,

BnB.

I want to feel you’ve let me in,

I can’t wait until I’m not alone,

I’m wasted

for this

thing,

Called,

Home.

 

 

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Apps given to disadvantaged parents to educate children

This really frustrates me, what about parents who don’t have the internet or a phone that can use apps (does happen) or what if the parents can’t understand the apps.

(is this going to be the suggestions from health visitors and social workers)

I say maybe stop closing all the sure-starts aka children’s centres and interactive programmes to help new parents, you can’t replace social interaction with a few apps Gov !

Children get far too much pressure and it shouldn’t be a pressure at home.

Families in disadvantages may need more support than apps?

I’m on the fence with this one…

Parents will benefit from interactive learning tools and text message tips to support children’s early language and literacy at home, as part of a society-wide push to make sure children start school ready to learn.

https://www.gov.uk/government/news/disadvantaged-families-to-benefit-from-free-early-learning-apps

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A lesson in life

There are many lessons in life,

Many.

It depends where you would like me to start my dear.

1. Fear

Lesson that fear is not the be all or end all

Fear could be a cuddly teddy or a crocodile

Don’t let it put your life on trial

2. Sadness

It’s ok to go through a lonely spell

It can leave you tired aswel

Depression is the auntie of sadness

Makes you feel like you are anxious

Time will pass and put you at ease

Time will place you on your feet

3. Happiness

Beam a smile for me please

A yellow grin or show some teeth

Happiness is more than just a treat

Makes your whole life feel complete

4. Guilt

Guilt is not a welcoming emotion

But it helps place out lives in motion

Guilt helps us feel sympathy

But sometimes guilt is an unwelcoming defeat.

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Admin fees will be banned !

So…in June this year all letting agency’s will be unable to charge admin fees on rented properties, by law.

This is a very positive move, but I’m cautious about this movement because I think there will always be a repercussion?

I think letting agency’s will end up charging more on top of deposits or landlords will raise rental amounts. Something or someone will do something else to get extra money ! (In my opinion)

* However…. a few agency’s have started to look at an alternative way for tenants to pay deposits also. Because deposits can end up being extremely expensive on top of first months rent and many can not afford to pay both or struggle to pay both. Therefore some deposits are being replaced with ‘Reposit’, this is where a tenant is asked to pay a weeks rent.

*

Reposit offers tenants the chance to purchase one weeks worth of rent to secure a property, rather than the usual month in hand or more.

At the same time, the Landlord becomes a named beneficiary on Reposit’s insurance policy and is protected for up to six-weeks rent; anything that a deposit would have covered.

If the tenant then stays in the property for the next year, they need to pay an annual fee of £30.

*

Just wondering what people thought of this ?

And should we be celebrating the news of abolished admin fees this year ? 🙂

*

Also for people who may be unfamiliar with what many have to pay when moving it currently looks a little like this:

E.g

First months rent : 500

Deposit: 500 sometimes added an 100

Admin fee for single person: 170

Couple: 200

Admin charge for guarantor: 60-80

(Some letting agency’s won’t let you let unless you earn 3 times the amount of the rent. Some agency’s will return admin costs if you don’t get the house some don’t and keep hold of admin fees, and can be from multiple people who have applied.)

https://www.uktech.news/news/reposit-raises-500000-to-offer-cheaper-deposits-to-tenants-20180724

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Fighting

Don’t stop writing,

Let words give you courage to keep on,

Fighting.

Let flames go on thier own,

Without you smouldering them….

Let the damage burn,

Don’t touch.

Let them cool whilst you recover them,

Don’t stop writing,

For it is your freedom to feel whatever you wish,

Without the judgement of harsh characters,

In your bitter sweet reality.

Don’t stop writing.

 

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claw in the rib cage

You

You

I wasn’t at all convinced to start with

A teeny tiny part of me wanted to believe

Like a fresh breath of air

You made me feel at ease

And now I realise

You don’t text or reply

As devils claws are too long

For a keyboard to type

Unless

It is something

The devil can respond to

Eat and feast

Belong to

Claw in the ribcage of my descended heart

Charcoal smudged eyelashes

I

AM

Falling

apart

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Then you

 

I sit there like there’s no chairs in the room .

The floor the most open space of all.

The floor the most closest to the earth.

At least if it shifts

I will be on here first

Control .

Lack in confidence

Speaking, talking

Not sure what I was saying

Then

Boom

Your face in my face

My lips closed

You shut me up .

I’ve never had a kiss quite like this

Ever

Stopping me in mid sentence

Then you desert me

Then you

You do you

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I read about it

the

psychology

to be next to somebody

A body

yours and their body

not just anybody

I heard it’s scientifically better for your brain, you heart,

so why is it

when I try and I want it

there’s no heart next to mine

why am I neglected?

Rejected…

what’s wrong with me?

 why is it?…

when I tell people what I need…

 I say I need a body…

Just somebody…

who wants to lay down with me,

people seem to shrug….

why can’t we share body heat,

Mmmm…

why aren’t I good enough ?

(You are good enough)

Picture: Emily Schoppelrei

Lettersyoullneversee

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Better my life

You was going to

Better my life

You

Said

You was going to take me to France

Paris

You said you was going to show me what it’s like

to be treat like a

woman

You promised a life of

happiness

And

that

You wanted me happy

Like it was your goal

so what went wrong ?

So why is the one person I relied on

making me feel so unhappy ?

You said you would make it your

mission

You kissed me like you had

permission

Said you

missed me

You must be

kidding

Better my

life.

Better my

life.

Better my

life.

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Optional

You seems to think I am optional

Like you can pick and take what section you think you would like

Use me on a part time basis

Complain about no schedule or instruction manual

Do you think that’s right ?

I had love for you

So deep

You know I thought you was a keeper

This time it’s not my heart that breaks

It’s my sanity that is at stake.

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Submerged

The thought of me scares you

I don’t blame you

The thought of me scares me too

The little things don’t add up

Am I on the cusp?

Or on the verge of a breakdown?

Red scorpion dangles whilst entangled in my long brunette hair

Red lips swell just as thorn from a red rose bleeds

I am angry

Not emotionally unhinged

Not unwell, not unfit, not stupid

Although you may have hoped.

Submerged thoughts pull me under

And the water

Is nothing more than a shoulder tap

Telling me to wake up.

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It’s ok

It’s ok, to not feel ok

It’s ok, not to be ok

It’s ok, that your not feeling alright

It’s ok, that your feeling lonely tonight

It’s ok, if you doubt everything you do

It’s ok, if you think you’ll never be the better version of you

It’s ok, to feel like you won’t ever get back up

It’s ok, if you feeling like you’ve had enough

It’s alright, don’t worry, I will reassure you

Don’t panic, it’s safe, where we are right here

Take shelter with me

I could tell you things and repeatedly tell you until you believe.

Why won’t you believe?

That it’s ok you don’t have to do this alone.

All the words I wish you told me when I put my foot back through your door.

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My new fan art what you think ?

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I want to know, who I am today.

Last month I was your shoulder,

this week I am you holder,

yesterday I was your partner,

and now i’m just your starters,

I would rather be something,

then nothing,

like am I choking or coughing?

am I, a graze or a wound?

am I, your drink or your food?

who am I today?

I need to know.

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My heart walked out on me

My heart we’ve had a bitter relationship from the start

She tugs me one way

my brain pulls me the other

I was hoping, I’d never remember this day

That my heart walked out on me

It was over she said …

My heart gave up and let my body fight with my head instead,

Logical reasoning was never my forte,

Now I have no choice

Because my heart walked out of me

It gave up

Ran away.

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My life . It changed .

That’s it now really
My whole life changed
You walked with me like we had been married …..in days
You held my hand
Like you’ve always held it
You kissed me like you always meant it
It felt like you had never left my side
Felt like we had nothing to hide
You wasn’t concerned or petrified
Even though years have gone by
My whole life, it changed
You don’t even realise
How i’d die to keep it this way.

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Presence

The sun reminds me ….

Feels like

I’m Around you

I don’t mind being clueless

Voiceless

You make my presence seem to last

In happiness.

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Grandad

                                                                             Grandad
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Pretending

;

sometimes, pretending makes it easier

sometimes pretending is a metaphor for a plaster

pretending not quite healing

covering it up but not really looking at the problem.

Sometimes pretending can heal people forget about the odd scratch’s

its the deeper ones that require more attention that cant be ignored

ignoring cuts that need attention

lead to infections and complications

arguments

abandonment

&pain.

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Adjust

Have you ever played a Tetris game ?

you have to slot everything that doesn’t seem to  fit,

inside your brain,

the right way round,

I know that you are hurting,

I didn’t want to make you shout,

I just wanted to say,

It takes time to adjust.

I will be ok,

If your feeling badly,

call me, you must.

I know its not easy,

I do understand,

Adjusting is ok,

you’ll figure it out.

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Stress

It eats away at you huh?

it eats away at every little part of joy you think you have left.

Stress.

Everyone else is on the right days,

the Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays,

but your always on the same day.

Whilst time keeps going on for me,

it’s stuck for you,

I know it bothers you,

that I think about you,

I know it bothers you that I now have the ability to ask if your ok.

Stress,

it never goes away…

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You didn’t miss me, you forgot.

You say you missed me,

Where else do you think I’ve been?

and it started of the montage off text messages ,

“How come you text?”

I was always your second best…

“I was drunk”

do you not think that its a little insensitive,

after all we both have been through,

the way friends have treated us,

only if they knew.

I think I know,

You didn’t miss me at all,

You forgot.

You realised,

maybe I am cheap, a little easy, a listener, a quick fuck…

you didn’t think it would bother me this much.

 

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i maybe on benefits 2014

I wrote this when I was single mum at 17 studying at Wyke 6th form in Hull. at the time there was a programme on BBC 4 called ‘benefits street’ which was extremely  controversial. I think it really annoyed me at the time because I was pushing against opinions about benefits that where negative. Views that made people on benefits look really awful. Obviously the worst cases and attitudes of people would be shown on TV otherwise who would watch it?

Benefits Street claimed to be a reality TV programme, I think lots of people played ignorant and didn’t realise the damage and stigma it was causing across the UK. I think I wanted to highlight that actually people on benefits aren’t just sat around on benefits ‘claiming streets’. Anyone could be on a benefit, you wouldn’t know unless you asked, or are close. Even then they don’t have to tell you. The power of judgement, ignorance and bad media is more damaging than you think.

*

I maybe on benefits,

but at least I’m not on benefits street,

I may take your  money to get back on my feet,

it may take time,

but at least I am trying,

wait with me awhile and lets see where I’m heading,

Just so long as you keep out of my face,

I don’t appreciate the yelling,

another statistic you say,

another single mum,

on the way,

under 25,

under educated,

another sign on day,

well I will prove you different,

and when I do,

I’ll give all the tax money back to you,

and when I do,

I’ll help others do that too,

I maybe on benefits but I am your neighbour,

I’m everywhere,

yeah, I could be a single mum,

or an old man in a wheel chair,

could be a professional that lost their job,

I could be married,

I could of been a millionaire.

Point is,

don’t judge me, it could be you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Voicemail

there is nothing more disappointing then no rainbow after a storm cloud,

nothing worse than a dramatic situation unfolding and no one to call,

nothing worse than feeling so entirely alone,

bitter, non optimistic, frozen lips in the morning from the wind,

and

ignored

nothing worse then being prompt to ring

but then you don’t even answer the phone.

then I am

walking

around the

living

room ,

leaving a voicemail

a voicemail you wont even bother to listen to.

the last time I left a voicemail

must of been when people where obsessed with the power to text

voicemail wasn’t popular

I liked the function of being able to repeat my own voice over again

delete and correct it

although I hate the sound of my own

voice.

now if I left you a voicemail

I would want to tell you all the secrets that I cant tell anyone

even my mum

tell you how important you are to me

then realise how damn romantic that would be

but how nerdy and stupid you would think it was

if only I could just call you

without getting a voicemail.

 

 

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Austerity

…before I go

make sure you pick the litter up off the floor,

they preach to us about global warming,

then take our benefits without no warning,

stop the bin men coming,

the midwife calling,

austerity.

such a complex yet beautiful sounding word.

silence your worries.

fuck.

your.

concerns.

austerity an abandoned baby,

born by an alcoholic mother ; doesn’t care who the victim is…

depression,

a gypsy’s daughter,

a rich mans promise,

a dead mans profit….

austerity,

fingernails in all pies, imaginable…

undesirables…

council estates; flammable.

Grenfell.

rest in peace.

so sorry for the damage caused,

by neighbours we thought we could trust,

austerity.

the poor and working class are virtually invisible,

posters,

adverts,

charity,

all people need is clarity,

all we need is

family…

austerity,

the flint wheel,

of a lighter,

a man.

made.

disaster.

 

 

 

 

Britain: Grenfell Tower fire – Whole Establishment exposed

 

 

 

 

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YoU wanted me… part 2 from I wanted you

You wanted me

So bad it hurt

Not just physically

Mentally

You wanted me so bad you kept me a secret for so long

Let it go

You wanted me that it is easier for you to ignore me

Treat me as I’ve vanished, but there is as a trail of bread

You laid for me

to peck

You wanted me that your daily motions consumed you up and spat you out into the road

Where you would moan and groan

Help, you would say ‘help’

I ran

Because I wanted you

You wanted me for other reasons than I wanted you

And that hurt me so bad

Dignity, I won’t get back

Just admit it

Admit that you want me

Admit that you need me

Admit that everyday you think about me

You dream of me in your bed

Not her

You dream of feeling my hair

Not hers

You dream of all the endless possibilities

Endless scenarios in your head

Spinning

Softly dancing like a ballerina round and round.

Image by Alyssa Zuercher

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Beg

You think It’s bad timing

I think it’s just right

I can’t promise a solution

I just can’t do that tonight

And I’m sorry my confusion

Spills out into my life

But I promise I will be better

Please let me put this right

No I don’t mean to come across as obsessive

It’s just I’ve had a lot of time

I’ve spent so many summers

Dreaming to be by your side

I hate I feel I’m rushing

Diving in without a clue

But I can’t help it

The feelings I feel for you

I’ve had so many chances

I’ve blown them

I’m sorry

I just keep thinking

That one day

We’ll grow closer

It’s not the drinking talking

It’s not the medication

And I’m not being crazy

This is not desperation

And in the end if you can’t forgive me

I forgive that you can’t let me in

But I promise you this

I won’t hurt you

Again.

Image by Jessica Rae 2012

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I still love you : Poem Video

Featured

I still love you

I still love you

I still wish the days we had didn’t disappear

I still long for your arms to…

*

I still love…

I think this is love

Is it?

I will ask you…

*

I still love you because I am always thinking about you

Always thinking how to…

*

I don’t know

I think your presence

Throws me off

Out my mind

Your so kind

Effortless smiles

Make me laugh

Hold me in your glance for awhile

Put me on trial

Keep all my records on file

Hold me

Own me

Possess over me

Ahh, smile

Your dreamy heavenly smile

Smile. Smile. Smile.

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Green flashing light

(Someone who obsessives over messages and emails and has the little light on their phone settings to alert them, just for fun, creative writing)

*

Green flashing light,

You are driving me to the brink of insanity,

Anxiety,

Green flashing light so tiny but so powerful,

I hate you,

Just hurry up and flash so I have a reply back,

Green flashing light,

You may hold the answer ,

To an email, a text, an answer phone call,

Green flashing light you annoy me so bad,

I think I might,

Have to turn your light off,

In the settings of my phone,

That seems to be the easiest solution,

Because sometimes when you flash it brings me confusion,

An update!?

*

Green flashing light, I appreciate all the messages you have warned me about,

The ones I couldn’t read out loud,

And the ones I couldn’t delete, iCloud.

But when you turn to red,

What does that mean?

A message unsent?

I can’t allow you,

To change colours on me like this.

*

Green tiny teeny light,

In the right hand corner of my phone,

So insignificant,

Yet can make me feel so alone.

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Dear body

Body image talking to your body :
Dear body,
Every time I see you,
I imagine you beautiful,
Even though you kind of already are,
I just imagine you a little better than you are,
People say I have a skinny little waist
Make it a little bigger!
A better figure,
Thin cheekbones, ribs,
They say they should be more hidden,
I imagine my pokey little ears,
A little bit more tucked,
My beady little eyes a little bit more bright with life,
Tired skin a little pinker,
Hair a little thicker,
And I sit with a fat belly chunky arms….
Thinking it should be the other way around.

By 16 year old me

Featured

Believe in yourself

It’s time to move on
It’s time to let go
Don’t turn your head now
Pace yourself
One step by step
slow
*
I know you’ve been through a terrible time
And now you have to rebuild everything back up
I can’t emphasize enough
Nothing worse than recovery after a surgery
Or a clock ticking time on this life I have in front of me
Loosing someone you love like it was yesterday
But giving up is not the solution
*
I know the truth hurts but just pick up and bruise on
And I wish you had a hand to help you up steep mountains
And I wish you had love under flowers and water fountains
*
But right now it’s time to let go of all that you know
For round the corner
Something better awaits
Believe in yourself
It has to pick up

These days

Walking down that Humber street

Like my stage was the path infront of me

Yet the performance was about to cast over me

When I set foot in the…

Living space of you.

Walking down that Humber street

Cobles pop up

Bottle caps kick past

Pouring,  the rain on my back

Did you care in fact?

Cold and blown by winds, I made effort,

Kept my face intact

Make up

Hair styled

Wild child

Walking down that Humber street at first made me happy

But now I dread to think of walking down that street ever again

Tumbling, stomach, churning memories,

Eyes shredding what I thought was once Infront of me

a romantic scene of bars and restaurants, haunting clinks of cocktail cups as I walk on foot,

to your door

at the end of the street on Humber street.

Walking down that Humber street

on cobbled paths

spitting waves

street lamps cast onto the setting

But now your forgetting

That I travelled through dark city streets

Alone

Worried

For the sake of comfort

Reassurance

I left with you

Broken pieces of my heart

In melted Yankee candles.

Leaving the thought of late night dinners for one

Now I see

Walking down that street

Was not for me

If only I could rewind

The yearning run and jump into your arms

The kissing underneath the stars

The cocktail emotion

If I could erase the devotion

I had

Then maybe

Just maybe

I wouldn’t have walked down that Humber street.

 

 

 

 

 

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