Shower song

OK so I thought of this yesterday morning whilst having a shower. I was reading the bottles and I wanted to play with the words that manufactures use to sell their products. This is just a silly poem.

Shower song

Like shampoo

I will leave you succulent and full of sense

Fresh and revived

Free and alive.

 

Like conditioner

I will repair and protect

Leave no hidden suspect

A sensation you’ll never forget

and better yet, tear free.

 

Like shower cream

I will be like your wet dream

make your body gleam

my cost is two for one

so when I’m gone

you’ll have another to move on.

 

 

 

 

 

Lost

Jan/16

I’d have done everything and anything,

Just to be by your side,

I’d of made those scrambled eggs,

Toast all fried,

I can’t believe the amount I’ve lost
And I can’t believe the amount I’ve cried,

I feel so restless, I barely sleep,

And I keep rubbing my eyes,

The realisation that you really don’t
And can’t stand me quite that way,

Is making my whole life a living hell,
And I have to go away,

For life is sweet when your around
And beams fly out my face,

But you destroy all my surrounds,
And I get lost inside my space,

I have to hold your hand one day,

And be your something more,

But I don’t think I will get that now
My fat face by your door,

Rejection is so hard for me,

But I’m sure I will survive,

For love is love and may be lost,

But it won’t destroy my pride.

Rubber ball

I should probably go out

But I don’t feel there’s anywhere to go

That I belong

And I did this once or twice before

Then I had people knocking at the door

All I’d give is to be alone

But at the same time to be at the other end of your phone

Just so I could see if you see all my replies

Or ignore me and pump me up with lies

My body bursts and aches from your deceit

Should I at last hold up my hands in defeat

My body it weeps

Blown away by the cold air not long ago

I take each day more vitamins than you know

And why do I keep fighting

When I don’t know what I’m fighting for

You mention my health but you really don’t see

This is now pain you’ve inflicted on me

It makes no sense

No sense at all

Im done fed up of being your rubber ball.

I was anxious part 22 Spiders night club.

It was Sunday and I was about to wake up and recover from a pretty heavy hangover.

I hadn’t stayed out at anyones house since I was 19.

I wasn’t about to make a habit either, I couldn’t tell if you was embarrassed that I stayed or just drunk. This is the part where things seemed ok but got a bit awkward.

We was sat in the night club and I was on your knee with your arms wrapped around me. Beams of lights flashed all around, up and down, side to side. Music played and people spoke really loud.

You was patient with me, you knew I was far too upset to talk. You brushed my tears aside and said ‘oh Lil’ and said that it was upsetting to see me so upset. You didn’t get impatient with me and shout. I honestly thought you loved me cared about me.

I felt like the devil had grabbed my ankles, swung me backwards and dragged me under.

I couldn’t contain my emotions. With you, I felt safe. Constant worry was taking over, the dreaded what ifs and the thoughts I had before I met you was still haunting me.

I remember when I was at college sitting in front of my counsellor , we was speaking about alcohol, as a mood intensifier and revealer. That night the mask had fallen and everyone saw me as a state.

You may have passed it off as being drunk but this is how I felt on a regular basis this was the me you didn’t learn to understand or want to know.

We walked over to the bar and got some water, then went outside into the smokers area where we met another of your friends. He was quite drunk, loud, rude. Come Monday you even agreed with me what he said was a bit much but you never followed it up.

He was saying “Lilly has big titties and likes lots of willy’s” I just thought it was a strange thing to say to someones new girlfriend.

We had a look for your friends that was staying over and you said that I was ok if I stayed as I really wasn’t feeling very well and I didn’t want to go back home on my own.

You handed my some Star Wars pjs insisted I put them on I took the offer on the top but the bottoms where double of my legs. It was cute and strange, most men would have wanted me to strip off would have tried something on but you was different. You respected me and it was a great deal to get used to. I remember drifting off shortly after that listening to people in the living room talk.

Come morning you offered to make people a cup of tea but it had seemed that the milk in the fridge had gone off.

Your friend took me home, asked if I wanted to sit on a carseat first and then dropped off. Another dig at my age and height.

That was the end of the night.

I was anxious- Part 3-Part 5-Part 22- Spiders Nightclub.

You was different.

You held me really tight you let me cry and didnt judge me you waited until my storm had passed, we went to a corner of the nightclub that wasn’t as busy you had your arms around me and you sat me down next to you and held me.

Since you left, I’ve been in that storm for so long rocking along up and down in a boat.

You might think that saying this doesn’t change anything.

Your right, but this is all part of the story and this is all important because you showed me that a man is capable of being understanding.

That maybe I am capable of being loved and cared for.

… tbc

Monday 11th November 2019

I was anxious-part 21- I had something to tell you

You called me your ex’s name:

There was something wrong.

Very wrong.

I tried a few times to bring it up.

I thought you’d be the one to help me.

How stupid, I am so stupid. I shouldn’t have ever let you in.

Perhaps there was no talking because when you called me your ex’s name I got straight into the shower and cried.

Embarrassing ?

I am not ashamed to share, I am not ashamed to show two halves of the story.

Perhaps I was overreacting.

Except, I needed more sympathy the night before. With feeling unwell.

You didn’t know this because I never told you.

I helped you out when you was unwell, I understood it maybe it was because it was physical symptoms, cold flu, man flu, people can see it, understand it more.

The night before

I didn’t feel like eating and you was really hungry, you felt like you put your time in there was nothing you was doing right at all.

Perhaps, it felt you was stuck in a limbo situation, and I wasn’t reacting the way you thought I should be reacting.

You could have just called a pizza and made me laugh cheered me up. I guess I felt unwell and all I could think was soup. Sleep.

You didn’t factor in the sleepless nights overwhelming crying from children that made me even more anxious.

I know, I hate soup so boring right?

There was that time we was walking towards wings and I had the perfect opportunity to tell you then but it was supposed to be a fun night for you and I didn’t want to ruin another night.

I didn’t want to take off or anything or vanish. It killed me that I walked away.

I was running out of time and I knew it.

You was supposed to stay out late and be with them, you showed up earlier than planned.

I could have told you then.

Maybe I was planting seeds but I never wanted them to grow.

The spiders evening I could have told you then but I just cried and cried.

The time we stood in the hall way, the time I walked over to the house, the time I went into your work, the time I broke down at my friends house and you walked me back.

Now it’s too late.

I was anxious – part 20- The first time we met

It was a summers evening this year, my best friend knew how down I had been and she had been amazing support, incredible.

It felt like ‘a need’ to fall in love and be around people who are kind, positive, full of enlightenment and desire. We was sick of men pulling the wool over our eyes, treating us like daft cows.

We are strong women we’ve been through different things but could relate.

I suggested maybe a double date or something if anyone knew anyone who was single. Just wanted to have fun and relax. I had been through a really awful time. I wasn’t looking for sex or hook ups, I really just wanted to meet people and be around friends.

Luckily, my friends knew someone and they knew them well and said I shouldn’t worry because you was really kind and nice person and would never hurt anyone.

There was a day planned and organised for drinks at your place. I was anxious because I was moving home and I didn’t want to get drunk and hungover. I had no baby sitters able to help out and the ones who could, could only help for a couple of hours.

Not really a long time when you want to get to know people.

You opened the door and greeted us in, I didnt make too much effort with dressing up or anything, I couldn’t as all my clothes where in boxes and being moved.

I regretted not putting my heels on because you was pretty tall and I’m like a midget next to almost every adult and even 8 year old children are catching up with my height.

People laugh about this but it kind of gets a bit boring after years and years.

It was small, and I wont lie it looked lonely. Perhaps adjustments have been made since you cut me off, I guess I won’t really know and I guess I won’t really care.

Eventually.

You poured us all a drink in a mug, as you didnt have glasses. I remember you saying you dont get people round much and needed glasses, you was apologising but we really didn’t mind.

This was exciting and exciting for you.

Everyone deserves to have friends and people around them that care about them and visits them.

I told you alot about myself we spoke a lot about politics, little things and fairly serious stuff. It was nice, you listened to me you wasn’t shouting at me, calling me names, threatening me or abusing me.

The night was short and you guys went off to spider’s. We walked towards the nightclub you gave me your hoodie, and slipped a tenner into my hand for a taxi home.

You wanted to make sure I got back safe. Mentally I felt safer being out and with you guys. Going back was just a duty a responsibility, my heart wanted to stay. Stress.

My friend said that you didn’t stay out long because you told them you had already met someone that night and was no need to go into the night club looking for someone.

You then told me for months that you was so happy that I turned up that evening, after I told you I was close to not turning up because I was anxious.

You also kept saying you owed your friend drinks for life, because he introduced me to you and you hadn’t felt as happy as you did in a very long time.

You occasionally reminded me of that night and that you was is disbelief.

Perhaps I should have noticed sooner, remember me mentioning the too good to be true saying?

Now, all I have a deafening silencing ringin in my ears, and a stone in the pit of my stomach grinding up against my skin.

I feel like I’ve been in a car that was speeding but all the time it was going slow, and then suddenly smacks straight into a tree.

I’m sore, hurt, but on the inside.

On the outside, I look amazing.

I was anxious-part 19-It was Friday

It was Friday and you had been let down again from seeing the girls.

We managed to get over most of the hurdles we faced during the middle.

We spoke a bit more and we was on a good page with one another.

I wanted to surprise you treat you.

We was both wearing jumpers that looked the same which made me giggle, we was alike and it was nice.

I like being around people who are alike and can relate.

You had no idea but I wanted to get out of the house, things where getting you down and I could tell.

So we went out for dinner and I bought you whatever you fancied.

You was telling me about the foods you liked and enjoyed and said you would show me how to cook them and could make my own versions I wanted to make, for what I was able to eat.

Fridays where strange you finished earlier on a Friday then what you would on a Wednesday and Thursday.

You would remind me this every week.

I tried to cheer you up help you understand that it probably isn’t personal at all and you kept telling me how worried you was that maybe the kids wouldnt want to know you the older they became.

I said that wouldn’t be likely and that kids that age like seeing their friends and not hanging out with their parents.

It meant alot to you and I respected that and you agreed to just try and keep communicating.

You was proud that you was able to maintain a mutural set up with you ex said that you knew that to some people would think that was really weird but I didnt think that.

Not when kids are involved and if it was ended on a basis where you both came to agreements with things then that’s really positive and I think that if people can put their differences aside it makes it easier for everyone.

Life is too short to be arguing all the time and making things difficult for one another.

Why was I any different?

I was the meaningless jigsaw piece.

Maybe it was because we wasn’t talking for a massive amount of time but it felt like I had known you for years. I felt like we just clicked, I couldn’t have imagined anything like this ever happening.

At the very worst I would have thought we would have been friends.

The further I come from this, the more time alone I have, the less it feels like that was even my life.

Its strange it feels now like a wandering dream.

Unreal.

People keep bringing up your name and I really don’t know what to say, there are so many things that I don’t know.

I hold my hands up and I apologise, I ask what it was that I did and you never reply. 

People say that, that’s because you don’t want to know and the quicker I notice this the easier and better the outcome will be for me.

Maybe something awful happened maybe something happened that you cant tell me about, maybe the truth is you are back with your ex and that’s why you said that people thought it was weird.

Maybe someone said something about me or maybe someone said that I said something about you.

Maybe your sick, or maybe my reaction to you calling me your ex’s name really did piss you off.

Maybe the poem following that pissed you off, maybe you thought some poems I shared where about you.

I’m not sure. I’m not certain.

As I said before in the other parts we never had a row, we didn’t have an argument and it was all left on a really bizzare note.

It was Tuesday and you came over after work you was a bit grumpy as was I and I felt really off unwell, it wasn’t you I was just tired from the school runs after school and starting university.

Maybe you felt that because I was at University that we had different paths, but really that wasn’t your choice to make.

You made choices that week that I didn’t understand and choices I made you didn’t understand.

It was Wednesday and you offered to help with the school runs it was fine. But then that’s when you called me your ex’s name.

Nothing was said about it in the moment. I was in shock because it was a little bit random and first thing, but I just said I needed to think about it I never said I was angry.

I said I needed some space and maybe see you at the weekend since you work late on Wednesdays and Thursdays.

To you this was overreacting, to me it was having time to think about it.

For both of us.

It was Thursday and I hadn’t really heard from you from the Wednesday morning, you used to ask if you could call me, you would text me every 8am saying hey with a waving emoji and say good morning.

All of this was dissolving. 

I needed to do something in town and you work in  town and I thought it would have been nice to say hello and surprise you.

You didn’t like this you didn’t let me in and you  told me there and then abruptly that you did not like surprises.

I couldn’t look at you.

I felt like there was something you was hiding not telling me and I was getting worried.

I really didn’t think that it was worth being this big a deal and wanted to resolve things.

People may think otherwise but honestly all I ever do is to try and resolve things, it makes it easier and better for everyone.

You was cold.

I had never seen you behave so cold.

Ever.

Saturday came and it was the first ever Saturday I had had without the kids since moving in and it was a great chance to talk and try and resolve things.

You finshed work at 5pm on a Saturday but for whatever reason you chose to stay on and not speak to me until half 7 almost 8.

You couldn’t look at me you was just looking at the floor and having cig after cig.

Saying words and not finishing the sentences.

I had seen this look before on my children when they knew they had done something wrong but there wasn’t really anything that big.

I didn’t want you to feel bad.

I just was confused.

You looked so pale and unwell it was unsettling.

You was saying words like ‘look’ and ‘and..’ ‘maybe’ and not really saying much at all, whilst the steam from your cup of tea was floating off into the garden.

I asked you if you didn’t want to talk or see me anymore, and you said ‘oh no of course not its not that’ and then started talking about having a sched.

You said that you wasn’t happy with my reaction in the week and I upset you  coming too see you before work. I apologised.

Next thing we went to the bar where you had first come to see me after a poetry night that had finished.

It made me think so much that in the beginning  you did the exact same thing to me you came to see me with no notice, you contacted me and came round and you was persuing me.

I did not act the way that you was.

It didn’t stop you continuing the night and continuing to have drinks with me and a laugh and tell me how nice I looked and how lucky you thought you was.

It didn’t stop you taking me across the road into another bar and continue to talk to me for another 3 hours.

We was in Pave and we spoke about your parents your family.

We spoke about your experiance at university.

We spoke about christmas and we spoke about what your family may have thought about us talking and you was happy and you said that they would be happy and it would have been nice for me to meet them.

You told me in such great detail about the things that you had been though.

We then spoke about filming and films you had been involved in making and ones that you wanted to do.

I told you about the book that I was writing and you told me about what you was writing and that you seeing me write made you want to grow that passion again. 

Your phone died and you kept hinting.

I didnt know what you was on about.

You went off to the toilet and I glared down at my phone and saw the message.

YOU said that you was having such an amazing night.

Last orders.

Sainsbury’s was shut  and its never shut so we went to the garage because we wanted more cigs.

I hadn’t really eaten much so I got drunk a little bit easier than normal.

…..

We got back to mine and I put some music on I said that we never got chance to dance at spiders that night and maybe we should try it again sometime.

I may have been drunk but I remember everything.

You didn’t want to talk you was all affectionate.

Sunday.

You took me to F&B we had a meal and it was a rip off, I did try and pre-warn you but it felt like you wanted to treat me or spend time with me maybe.

We was umming and arring about what we should do as we was hanging a little bit from the pub drinking.

It was 3pm and you was grumpy tired and you started to stop looking at me again. I felt unhappy even though it had been so nice talking and everything.

It was 3pm and you started going on about needing to use the laundrette and that you needed to go home and get some sleep so I said sure whatever it takes for you to go and be ok.

My feelings was never considered in your scenarios, you went home and you didn’t message me.

It was Monday and I didn’t hear anything, you didn’t mention the weekend and you didn’t ask if I was ok.

It was Tuesday and I just started saying to friends that I think its done because I hadn’t had  converstaion with you.

It was Wednesday and you said that you could come over after work to talk but it would have been late and I had a massive stone inside my stomach that was stopping me from eating thinking and sleeping. I didn’t want to accept that maybe you had used me over the weekend.

It was Thursday and people started asking questions and asking if I was sure and I didnt know what to tell anyone.

It was Friday.

It was Saturday

Sunday

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

It was Friday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fighting

Don’t stop writing,

Let words give you courage to keep on,

Fighting.

Let flames go on their own,

Without you smouldering them….

Let the damage burn,

Don’t touch.

Let them cool whilst you recover them,

Don’t stop writing,

For it is your freedom to feel whatever you wish,

Without the judgement of harsh characters,

In your bitter sweet reality.

Don’t stop writing.

 

I was anxious- part 18-evicted

My heads scatty, my brain hurts. Some days I struggle waking up today was one of those days. 

My wellbeing advisor tells me to go away and organise myself, but things keep getting in the way.

I am so thankful for the true friends, I have around me and I am thankful for being a mum. I am blessed, I am fortunate, I have a roof over my head and sometimes that is always scary. I don’t know how long it will be like that.

This time last year I was evicted, randomly, no notice nothing, came out of nowhere and I have told so many of you this story, it affected me and my family a huge deal.

We wasn’t bad tenants, we didn’t do anything honest to god. Most people assume you can only be evicted if you’ve shit up the walls or not paid the rent.

It was my daughters 8th birthday and I had been out of hospital for 4 weeks. I had an 8 week old baby and the tosser turned up out of nowhere, by contract he had to. He stormed in went under the stairs and said that he needs to make sure a live wire in the garden is turned off. Oh boy, I was mad, I didn’t even shout, I said you need to get an electrician and I want it off, I can’t believe it.

We had been in the house precisely 6 months, the children had been in the garden with this said wire. We had a lot of trouble problems and as a family we deserved time to heal and overcome the trumas we had just gone through. Funnily enough our tenancy was rolling the next day. The landlord left and said nothing, then returned again without notice an hour later.

TRUST ME you could not make this story up and even to this day I wish I went to his work and threw eggs at his window, but a petty revenge conviction is not worth it. I am ok to think it an enjoy the thought though, right?

So he returned and got the live wire disconnected, he had made a huge error. He put us at risk he violated the contract, we would have had grounds to sue, but I opened my big gob and told him to sort it. However I would rather that then let the kids continue to play in the garden, except we wasn’t going to have a garden for much longer.

The next day he posted and eviction notice with a receipt stapled from 2012 of some paint.

Basically threatening us to paint the whole house which was cream or he would take money from our deposit.

So not only was he making us homeless, he was forcing us to paint when it didn’t even need painting to be honest.

Baby, surgery, birthday, evicted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

You was anxious- Part 17- you said it was romantic to wait…

I needed you. Like, really needed you. Wanted you.

I really didn’t want to write this part and I am so sorry. Your going to hate me, but you already hate me, there are so many people that already hate me.

I feel there is nothing to lose, this is my story and if I don’t share it I will carry on hurting myself inside.

Maybe it’s not even interesting maybe is not worth being written.

I have to get this out the way, its stopping me carry on.

I thought it was me for so long, I bought new underwear, I put makeup on, I wore nail varnish. I smelt good. I got my hair coloured.

Clothes, I bought new, I took control of my new body, shaved it, showered it, loved it.

But for some reason that wasn’t enough. Why wasn’t you attracted to me, why didn’t you want me? What did I do wrong?

You said it was romantic to wait.

But I later learnt that wasn’t the reason why.

We was having a cup of tea and then you sent me a text saying you really had to tell me something.

I got freaked out. Really freaked out. I asked you why you couldn’t just talk to me in person when you was in the same room as me.

There where holes starting to form in this new shiny relationship, and I was terrified. We’d been talking almost a month and we told each other most of the important parts.

You looked at me.

Worried.

I had never seen you worried never seen you concerned. You was acting like the ‘thing’ you about to tell me was the be all and end all.

I was dumbfounded that you thought I wouldn’t want to know you after that.

The ‘thing’ you told me, didn’t bother me.

What have I done?

I was depressed-Part 16- Bulb

Bulb hangs from ceiling, cars swish in the puddles passing by the house. Bulb thin shadow then wide, dull light sits on the bed from whatever sun we have left now, bottom sheet due a change, there’s no one other than me that lays so it’s ok.

I watched this video on Facebook about meditation by Russell Brand. I remember laughing at it with you next to me and saying he should have stuck to his job as a comedian.

Bulb, off. Bulb swirly pattern at the end no shade around it, it’s bare cord just seems to have the bulb fitted in tightly at the end.

Bulb, wait I can’t see it, your body is on top of me.

Move out of the way so I can see. Eyes mimic nose points, body parts we take for granted we have to look at these parts of people everyday.

Move out of the way I’m trying to look at the bulb.

Bulb white, dusty cobwebs, flashbacks like holograms. Your body is on top of me. What do you want now for goodness sake I am trying to focus.

Bulb holes in the bottom then scope up inside it. I’m paranoid I know I hear what your saying but what if that’s just a voice in my head, what if your just in my imagination.

Your body thrust me up and down I stare at the bulb it’s waiting it wants to be turned on.

I curl into a ball, small, safe, warm away from November rain.

Child you don’t need to be worried, because you was right.

All them days crying about losing people and being told it’s going to be ok. Told over and over that I never have to do anything that I don’t want to do, I can say ‘no’ if I want to.

Was bullshit.

Vanish

Your body, real,

Solid.

Your shadow seen,

Grey,

Dark around the sketching.

Your body, real,

A solid,

Oxygen, atoms.

Your body real,

Legs, move, walk,

Feet, drop, stomp,

I lift your arms,

Up

Then

Down

They don’t flop, because you look at me strangely and tense them.

Your body real,

Blood,

A liquid,

Bones a solid,

Shapes,

Different sizes,

Bumps, bridges, arches,

Sketchy.

Your body real,

Eyes, eyebrows,

Brown a pen lid,

Nose a putty thumb,

Lips a pretty kiss.

Your body real,

was here,

Heard,

No whisper,

Your body real,

It sat,

It moved,

A creeping,

Closer.

Your body real,

A language,

Sounds, a bird song.

Your body,

A pile,

Of paper.

I was anxious-Part 13- I don’t hate Mondays

It’s a typical rainy cold Monday in November. The roads are manic and the streets are full of students, mothers with prams and rain covers, shopping bags attached to prams bashing and bumping about. The homeless man on the corner of Newland sat with bin bags protecting him from the rain.

The bus was really hectic today people coughing and spluttering and they where wiping there hands all over the handles of the chairs, damn it, would someone please attach hand sanitation to this place?

The last thing I want is to catch another bug or illness, I am now playing catch up at uni and its really stressful.

Last month they gave me morphine at hospital for stomach upset, you wouldn’t know because you wasn’t there, my god I wish someone I knew was there with me. I was in a very terrible pity party situation. So much had been happening in such a short space of time. It was really hard to catch my breath, the panic attacks where back again.

That was my breaking point, that was my fall, I was so close to just begging them to take me in. I wasn’t coping I wasn’t myself. And my stomach was huting so much it reminded me of the surgery the urgency I was in back then.

My puke was bright blue from the scan they did to check my organs. Thankfully it wasn’t an ectopic pregnancy, or twisted ovary like they suspected. He said he was sure, he thought, he said, it was 50/50, could be my appendix or my ovary.

They where wrong.

It was nothing and i’m fine.

Thankfully.

Doesn’t explain the pain though.

I am so thankful that my best friend that I actually met via the internet on Instagram was on the other end of the internet that evening. She sent her friend to come and sit with me and that was amazing, at last I wasn’t alone I had someone to talk to, and that we did. We spoke about so many things, whilst I waited 7 hours in the corridor double bent over or sat in the wheel chair.

There was a couple. They was really kind to me amazing. Strange but they was lovely. They had a busy, and different kind of life to the norm. Or maybe it was the norm and mine was just significantly different.

They came into A and E because he was walking down to his local offie (off-licence) then he had a huge cough and WHAM he was in so much pain down his right side he was struggling to move. He was in agony. I mean they did talk a lot about wanting to get home and have a spliff and a drink which was a little awkward. They have family that own a fair ground ride at Hull Fair and he let his kids go on and his kids friends on for free.

They really made my evening, and you wasn’t there. It was just another example of how I could survive without you.

I started to feel this way when I left home.

Similar but different.

I remember when I was able to boil pasta and cook something other than a pot noodle and beans on toast at 16. I taught myself and that was really pretty lonely to be honest. I defiantly want to add that to my mothering skills. 1. Make sure I teach the children how to cook.
I had been crying for so long I got myself in such a state, no friends where around to help no one was able to see me for whatever reasons. Maybe I make it hard for people to see me and communicate, maybe I don’t even know that I do this.

Just promise me you wont return anytime soon because I am starting to enjoy life without you. Even though you have destroyed what confidence I built up with my girlfriends over the summer, I am actually quite enjoying looking at people and thinking about them. What did they get up to this morning? was they squashed between an old man and a pram and some shopping bags, or where they sat in a comfy white car with you that smelt of stale piss.

I think I had actually made a friend at University, at last. But I better not let them get too close, or they will find out how much of an anxious freak I am.

My life is changing and adapting and almost better than it was. There is just this one thing.

A cycle of something I really don’t want to be in.

But for now, I don’t hate Mondays.

I was anxious – part 9- Hornsea

I sat for some time whilst you went off to the toilet. Watching the children run up and down splashing in the sea pretending to be mermaids, picking up giant rocks and bringing them to me like absolute nutters almost landing them on their toes.

So much laughter, so much sun and so much happiness, it felt as if I was overdosing and inside a film I wasn’t supposed to be inside of.

We decided to take the children to Hornsea. You’ve always been a good friend like that, thinking about me and the children. I’d listen to you talk about your woes and you’d listen to mine about Faff and Davum the others. University concerns family dramas.

He was at work and I was sending him pictures of me at the seaside, a rare occasion of smiles. My best pal was also at work and I sent pictures across to her, would have been nice if everyone could have been there but I appreciate times where hard and more complex and complicated.

I sat watching the waves ush over my mind, I was in disbelief I’d made it out of Hull at last, after almost 7 years I hadn’t seen the seaside.

I knew I hadn’t lost my love for it because I instantly felt goosebumps all over my arms and legs as soon as the sand brushed against my toes.

The children where laughing and even though we was still in the UK that didn’t matter I could have been on sandy beaches abroad and I would have felt just as happy.

This was a strange moment for me it showed me that depression can leave you alone to enjoy life. I was anxious thinking about the long journey home, returning to mayhem and madness. It also made me realise that I didn’t have to be with you to feel the joys that I had been feeling. Perhaps this was reassurance on my clingy displays of past relationships, learning I don’t have to be utterly dependant on someone. But it was too late.

You kept me company wherever I was I was looking forward to coming back and telling you all about my day.

My friend had some dates lined up and was starting to feel better. I expressed concerns and worries and he went over them with me and he was reassuring me saying “yes” and “no” and well “maybe”, “that’s good” and that was helping me round up all my choices and giving me the best advice a friend possibly could.

Things looked up and I saw the best in you, all the good, all the excitement of a new life happening again.

I could live and die in those moment’s over and over just to learn how to keep hold of heaven, the ones where people got on with one another and I had friends around me cheering me on being by my side. Such good friends I could never lose.

I knew once I started these new journeys that the reality of things would slowly start to show.

That feeling when you feel like things are too good to be true. The worst feeling that an anxious person could ever, ever feel.

A phrase that takes the enjoyment of swimming around inside ones head.

It’s not possible, impossible, unbelievable.

I’m not good enough for these good things, happy starts, friends someone that’s telling me that they are in love with me.

I Thankyou for that day helping me come to terms with a great deal I had been through.

Depression was slipping away and anxiety not being as bad as it was.

Hurt

There’s no time,

Left to

Hurt,

Tell me it’s what you want,

That’s the perfect part,

Falling apart.

There’s no time,

Left to

Hurt,

If he wants what he wants he can go get it,

He doesn’t need to,

Because he’s already got it.

Fuck me,

I want to make love,

Fuck me,

I want to make love,

I don’t care about the size,

I don’t care about the look in your

Eyes,

Give me a treat a surprise,

There’s no time,

Left to hurt,

There’s no time,

Left to hurt,

I gave the cans to my friend,

Maybe it’s not what you intend,

I keep getting angry,

But it’s not the same,

And if change going to happen,

It’s already happening,

Fuck me, I want to make love,

Fuck me, I want to make love.

I was anxious – part 8 – unbalanced seesaw

I haven’t really got to the end of the night club story but I’m moving on.

Maybe, I will return but im sure many of you would like to know what’s happend, like really happend what’s been going on. If I knew how to explain it easier, I would have said in the first few pages.

My wellbeing officer brought up the boiling frog in a pan saying that on and off for most of the years, I’ve been slowly boiled until I completely lose my rag because of someone saying things. Winding me up, being horrible, bringing me down, being emotional abusive.

Yet, I put up with it for a significant length of time because I kept hoping that there was goodness somewhere in the world.

I’ve had time to reflect on what’s been going on.

I still can’t fill in the missing gaps, there was no conclusion, no discussion, the whole time we spent was as if a shoulder shrug to you now…

We kissed out side your work, we kissed in your home, my home, we walked hand in hand we was something?

Now I wake up and I think, hang on was we?

Did I dream the whole thing? us reading the thesaurus as a laugh in bed guessing word meanings. Drinking in the garden , eating at my friends house. Going to the pubs on my door step, ice cream, car drives, drinking and seeing friends.

Did I completely imagine the whole thing?

I gave you the option there and then to leave me stranded , you said that was not what you wanted. You wanted me to fit into routine, you told the world I was your girlfriend. Something got lost in translation, I was hearing everything but seeing different.

I let you down?

I upset you?

What did I do?

You had the chance to dump me when I asked you, but instead choose to go to the pub talk for hours and hours, sleep with me. Then vanish!?

I waited, waited for a message, a phone call. I did not hear from you, I was getting more and more upset. I deleted you on facebook to tell you I was upset, but that made it worse.

I was told I was not allowed to a friends birthday party, because I wasn’t your girlfriend anymore, we didnt even discuss breaking up. You completely ghosted me. But spoke to my friend.

No one likes a liar and I was in the middle. I don’t blame my friend she was in the middle and she did what was needed to be done.

But, I felt so cold that night, alone deserted. Abandoned. I was going to wear blue polka dot dress she helped me put away, that day she sat on the end of my bed and spoke with me. We spoke about you, we spoke about life. I love her a great deal she is one of my closest friends.

We’re close, I’ve just been distant, busy at uni. Depressed.

No one likes a liar.

You was lying to me.

We’re adults we could have overcome this and there could have been a solution. I get it out of sight out of mind. If you make no effort to see me to be an adult then it’s easier for you. If you ghost me don’t reply or acknowledge then it’s easier for you. If I bring you your clothes and belongings. It’s easier for you. If you have all your friends persistently bothering you, then it’s easier for you.

Non of this was easy for me. I was on the unbalanced seesaw of life, and I had to deal with most of this on my own.

Not sure writing a 1000 words on it all could be seen as dealing with it to the opinion of others. But surely if it’s written down it must be true, it helps me reflect.

After all that’s all the counsellor tells me to do, to write it down.

Mainly because she knows I feel I have no one to talk to, especially now your not here.

I was anxious – part 7

No one likes a liar and no one likes an anxious freak even though society is changing we are much more aware of mental health it still doesn’t mean that means people will automatically accept you or try to understand.

Someone I know who had deep mental health conditions understands their own mental health very clearly but when it comes to anybody else’s mental health or should I say my anxiety. There is no understanding at all.

This person is a very close person a family person. Someone I really needed, because without them I would have struggled.

My father hasn’t been around for a long time I would like to say 8 years because that’s the time he made me homeless. But I’ve seen him in between but not for maybe almost 3 years.

See to him I am a disgrace, how dare I have sex and have a child how dare I have children.

See the pattern?

No.

My dad was hard to understand and although many people didn’t and couldn’t understand him it didn’t stop him being who he was.

So I ask myself this, should I stop writing should I refrain from my feelings and thoughts is it worth the stress?

The thing is we are too obsessed with everyone else we never think about our own needs.

We are obsessed with Facebook yet Facebook only tells people the things we think others want to know.

So when I share poems my writing my opinions you will be surprised to learn that it is not what people want to hear.

No one wants to read about someone crying their heart out, no one wants to open their eyes to domestic abuse, no one wants to accept that they’re a giant arsehole that talks shit behind people’s backs through messenger.

We want likes , we want power, we want control.

It’s only natural.

I was anxious – part 2

It was Tuesday and you’d gone back to work, you couldn’t believe how quick the weekend had gone. Like me you’d had a pretty slow and fucking boring year. Probably like me, looking into the fridge and searching the cupboards thinking ‘Fuck, I can’t be bothered to make another meal for just myself’, and again like me for 6 month grueling with no internet searching the insides of your brain thinking about what to do, walking around in your boxers scratching your bollocks eating leftover burger cheese slices from your birthday bag, wait, I haven’t got to your birthday, yet.

I don’t know why you got embarrassed I do precisly the same, I randomly eat cheese strings since the re-introdution from my close friends kids, I forgot cheese strings even existed. I mean I know I can’t scratch any balls, but if I could I totally would.

If you wasn’t then i’m sorry for the comparisons, and anyway don’t be embarrassed no one even knows who you are or who the hell im talking about. You don’t even know who you are because your not even reading this, and if you do read this and it upsets you then I am really sorry, but you knew I was a writer and you shouldn’t fall in love with writers, right?

That’s if that even happend, and also how would I even know anything, I know nothing. I know that your pissed off, and hate my writings so I may as well just carry on with the story for the benefit of the people who are still here, and who enjoy my writing.

It just seemed like to me that we had way too much in common, in a really great freaky friday way.

The date went down well and that’s all that people wanted to hear, I told my friend that I was really starting to like you, I told my other friend that I was really fucking unsure and scared mainly because I knew that if I developed emotions further, I knew I would be ripped in half to lose you.

Equally I wanted to spend my free time with you, and with them, even though things where changing for them too which meant free time doesn’t and wasn’t really happening much for anyone.

Perhaps it was wrong of me to speak to them before you, but I was just too worried and for that I’m sorry.

You knew I was a writer so you can’t look at me and expect this not to happen, I can’t spend another 5 years guessing the fuck out of my mistakes and wondering why. But I can write on a wordpress blog with barely any viewers and get it off my chest.

Literally I have been having crushing chest pains since I woke up, I’m hoping it will just pass I think that my iron tablets giving me stomach pains.

You was deflated that it was Tuesday but it was soon to be your birthday in a couple of weeks and that’s all that mattered. I recognised it was a tough month and I respected that for you because I cared about you. I’m not going to share that with anyone because I actually really do respect you.

Didn’t let that get us down we carried on with the week and it was great.

The second date came around and we went to go see a film, it was fun and I really enjoyed it. I was really anxious when we was there because I know what people say about dates at the cinema, snogging and touchy feeling, I felt like a big kid a teenager. Daft and silly.

I was all ready to get cosy and really bringing the courage up to kiss you this time, but you got up out your seat and went off to buy coffee. I’m an anxious person ok. I notice that most people probably won’t care if their first kiss with someone was snotty or smelly or something but I wanted this to be nice and I wanted you to think it was nice. You didn’t know this you probably just thought I was being freakishly shy or something.

It was a long film, fun, we had another evening together. Took me home and I just remember us talking about the film and having a cup of tea, you was stood in the garden just about to have a cig, and then you looked at me and gave me a really big hug.

Things where amazing perfect, and things started to go so quick

I lose track of time and some of my memory gets jumbled like I’ve been hit across the head at this point.

I look at you and I’m stood on the step of the back door half on half off wobbling.

You say you need to tell me something and we wasn’t drinking or drunk at this point so I was a little bit worried, I’d already thought about this the last time you said you needed to tell me something and I really wanted to hold on just a little longer because my fears, my terrible anxious logic was the quicker things where going, the quicker I was to losing you, I didn’t think 3 months on I’d be thinking the same thing, reflecting on the same thoughts, why am I so surprised if I thought these things before they even happend, did I set myself up to fail?

I know you guys are reading this and thinking what the fuck, but this is inside my brain, overactive overthinking and apparently incapable of receiving and keeping love.

You said it ‘I love you’ you said, you would have said it sooner but didn’t want to or wasn’t sure and I was shocked and anxious and crazy out my mind happy.

I was anxious

I was really anxious, scared. I hadn’t made effort like this in years . I hadn’t ever been on a date ever, not a one to one, face to face, you sit in front of me and I sit in front of you.

It was very personal, and it was hard to make eye contact. I’d never been to this side of town never been able to afford it, it was as if the world wanted us there that evening. It was quiet, calm beautiful summers night, and if that wasn’t a recipe to fall in love, then I was under the wrong illusion.

Birds flocked off into the evening sunset. Even the church bells rang, perhaps it seemed I was more focused on the surround and not you but that really wasn’t the case. I knew this was me being put on the spot and I knew this moment that I was enjoying so much was about to end as the night went on.

I’d been having writers block, but now I’d fallen back in love with the world, thanks to you.

I watched your hands for the first part tapping on the table pushing the box of cigarettes,not completely to me, but enough to suggest an offer. I felt your eyes on my face but was to shy to look up.

You knew I wasn’t a heavy smoker, or really a smoker but I liked a cig.

We spoke about abandonment the time you went on holiday and was let down by a friend , laughed at how long ago it was because of our ages.

You wanted to move on, I liked the sound of the bells, although I kept telling you it was strange and annoying, I was actually fairly comfortable.

We moved on to another pub nestled in between buildings , private, small , cute , quiet and beautiful. I appreciate architecture and outdoor space, we sat down outside and it was nice. Even if others described it as a dive or something, it didn’t bother me.

You stopped me and you said before passing me my drink, I really need to tell you something. My heart started spinning and I thought I got rid of my anxiety but it slowly started to come back, I thought shit he’s going to say he loves me or something, nah not yet surely, and I’m not thinking that already? Am I?

“You really need to tell me something?”

“I wanted to say it now incase I get drunk and you think I’m just saying it because I’m drunk. You look really beautiful your gorgeous”

Oh my god, I smacked my lips right on your lips and kissed you so hard so you knew how much I liked you.

That’s what I should have done, but I didnt I blushed and said thank you very much and I really appreciate being taken out and spending time with you.

I fucked up didn’t I, I was so anxious for a long time I didn’t even get chance to tell you half the things that was going on.

See I may have never been on a date before, but I’d been round plenty of men, boys , dickheads, users, bastards to know when people pull a stunt. You wasn’t pulling a stunt you was being normal, friendly, a gentleman.

This time I wanted something real, meaningful and you was just, I mean I know no ones perfect but a least those moments made it feel as though it was meant to be.

So we was in the pub and we got talking but not much to each other to the girls sat opposite to us, they was tourists, drunk friendly people.

Drank up, pissed about in the street looking for the worlds smallest window and got a taxi back.

I remember punching myself because I still hadn’t kissed you but congratulating myself on having the courage to make it out the front door.

Now both actions I replay in my head 3 months on, did I? Should I? To most of you it’s easy to say get over it , stop going on, stop bringing it up, stop moaning. If you have a friend who suffers or has suffered with anxiety to the extent that I can it really doesn’t help even if you don’t mean to.

I can’t, it happend and I will discuss it because it happend and it happend to me and it was important.

I felt emotions I hadn’t felt since forever, and I mean the good ones.

I was seeing blue in the sky even when there was impetuous rain, I opening mail and dealing with it. I was wearing makeup and enjoying wearing makeup, I was scared, terrified. But on top of the world.

I’m still scared and terrified but at least then it was a nice scared and terrified feeling, now it’s the real deal.

Because the world dealt me a different card really quickly, and the last time I felt this low, I was 21 years old signing my grandad DNR papers with noone else in the room, no one else to lean on and no one else to ask for an opinion.

I was 17 sat in a hostel on a sofa bed on the floor being told to write a letter on the back of recycled paper, to the man who had been abusing me for 2 years telling him why I left.

I was in the playground stood on my own, surrounded by faces I knew (but ignored me) being told on my mobile that my step mum was diagnosed with cancer again, year later she passed away.

I was on the front door step of my home at 16 trying to get back in but the doors had been changed.

I was the 10 year old girl sat on the bedroom floor crying in the corner holding on to a teddy I called ‘dig dog’.

I’m an observer, a listener, I’m quiet, never let on what I’m thinking. Not always. Told to shut up and put up and to not talk about my feelings. But now I am, and that’s pretty fucking powerful.

You said goodbye it was an amazing evening and couldn’t wait to see you next.

Proof

Keep on clawing at the skin,

Keep on going back and picking,

Picking.

Crows don’t care about the mud,

They stand in the puddles,

Feet surrounded by water,

They’re pretty neat and clever little creatures,

Dance along to sorror songs,

Life’s strange like that,

It would have been nice,

I went back to the scene just so you know,

I have proof,

I’d of been your bandage,

Umbrella,

I’m great at managing a good fucking disaster,

Plaster,

House trained, brighten up your day,

There was no expire,

I have proof,

Extra length extra depths extra breaths,

I’d of gone the whole mile ahead,

With you, its home.

I’d of made sure you was safe,

Kept out of your space when you needed space,

I’d of learnt the boundaries and been delicate,

I would

But

 

Flowers

I walked back home,

And it was cold that afternoon,

Been raining since the AM,

Couldn’t really afford a cab,

Your driving around was really handy, 

But you know its been kind of hard since you left, see,

To see you standing there,

Before you vanished like a puff of air,

Your face all graced with love and care,

Feeling your warmth grow closer,

That was something I never thought I’d see,

My work might as well be dumped in the bin,

Because all I do is keep on struggling,

I accepted that you will,

Continue to treat me like I was never there.

And I try to continue like nothing happend.

Oh a world where you learn to be adult,

Making habits of being fucked,

And accepting pain when it all fucks up.

 

 

Confusing me

My face is a completely different shape,

And I don’t even sound the same,

My hair is brown and hers is black,

Different backgrounds,

I don’t get the same support,

I’m a lone wolf,

Head dragged back,

I’ve been distraught,

Your confusing me…

With her,

You know you could have trusted me my dear,

You didnt ever have to feel in fear,

I’m more understanding then you think,

She wears cotton I wear silk,

I might have skipped on some luxuries,

A life so far on handouts it has been,

But I would never ever expect it to be,

The be all and end all, don’t you see?

Trust me,

Your confusing me,

With someone that exploited your expectations,

Someone who used you as convenience,

We wasn’t agreeing to any distance,

You got freaked out because it meant something,

You told me it was worth it.

Your confusing me with her,

And we don’t even compare.

 

Can you hear me

Tell me this,
Was I worth the shag?
Was I worth the brag?
Was it nice to have a little fun,
Did you enjoy?
Did you like it?
Tell me this,
Does it cross your mind?
Ever,
The harm you’ve dealt?
And harm you’ve caused?
Does it ever play time and time,
Inside your space,
Just because you messed me up internally,
Hidden scars and bruises,
If it was physically,
I’d already be dead,

Because its,
Not the only cliff,
I’ve been mislead,
Was it worth it?
Was it worth your precious time?
You kept harping on not ever having all the time?
Was it worth the look in your eye?
Was it worth the pub drinks in the bar?
The holding of my hand?
The feeling of my arm?
It’s hurting.
Maybe because it really is love this time,
But never is on both sides?
Right?
You might think I’ve gone completly mad,
But,
I know there’s something holding you up,
Or maybe,
You used me?
To see all the wrongs,
To go back and amend the rights,
That’s right?
She said,
He said,
Maybe,
I was just a phase,
For your midlife crisis days…
I know I made you feel something,
Can you hear me?
I’d like to know where the old me might be.

I’d be wrong to let this settle for nothing.

I’d be wrong to not question what’s on coming.

I’ve been searching for clues and you still give me nothing.

 

Your hiding,

hiding,

hiding,

hiding,

hiding.

 

Please just set me free.

Get a job.

Ummm…
I’m feel guilty,
And you made me,
And you intended it to make me,
Feel
Guilty.

Get a job.

Get a job.

Get a job.

Oh get a job.

Why is your ignorance so foul and horrible, I didn’t even think it could be possible.

Get a job,
You said
Get a job,
Get a job,
Are you done?
Get a job.

How dare you try and call me out , for years I’ve raised your babe, how dare you think I’m trying to squeeze your account for pennies you don’t make, you make a child so pay up, you haven’t even spent a day… and never mind the days you spent trying to get it up, it didn’t do much by the way.

You do and say the dirty on me now, but people don’t even know the truth,and what about that time your glasses fell in to the loo, yeah you threw up, and still put them back on your face.
oh please hold me for a sec, whilst I gather my frozen heart… I smashed and beat up all your speakers and book shelf as you cut my life in half, don’t lecture me , get a job, get a job, when you shove fries into a box, I’m trying to better our kids futures for the best, so your comments can all fuck off!

And if your offering to pay the nursery fees, then fuck yeah I will get a job in a heartbeat.

Do you deal with tantrums dear? the ones in the middle of Sainsbury’s in a rage? Or do you deal with when they’re sick? And you cant Leave the house for days? Are you thrown off busses because the pram don’t fit? Or making three square meals a day? I don’t think so do you sir? Now I watch your comments fly of fuck they go away.

Don’t lecture me get a job, pay your fucking way. You made a child how dare you starve and leave him as if to say, ‘I’ve done my bit now she’s off her tits I know the kid will be fine’, how about how he will be feeling in 10 or 20 years time. I’m gonna do my bit I will and it seems your sympathy and support is all to shit. Just remember if you can, I didn’t get off on it , and to be fair I spent most the days trying to clean the shit out of your pants, your a full grown man, please forgive me if you can, but giving birth was 10x worse than these words you keep going on, just please shut up and then fuck off.

It takes 2.

Almost

Poems on YOUTUBE come take a look ! hope to see you there
Thankyou everyone whos stuck by me !

Poem

Let Me Go

 

you cant act like

you let me go

for love

or because you did’nt think that you was good enough

you cant assume that

because you’ve let me go

that its been for the best

you know

this is not what I asked for

this is not what I wanted or deserved

you’ve got me outnumbered

thrown out in thunder

you

let me go.

let me go.

Perhaps

Perhaps a little bit of bother would solve a little bit of nothing, that’s going nowhere , just a smidge, a little teeny tiny bit of bother, just a little bit, teeny weeny,

helpful handy,

merry happy,

fun lucky,

perhaps teeny tiny bit of money, teeny tiny bit of friends, pretending like the worlds about to end…

melancholy.

Steve

Steve (sorry if anyone’s called Steve)

Steve

your like a pattern on the wall

that I don’t really like

but can’t be bothered

to change

Steve

your the prime example

of a soft centered cream egg

hard on the outside

but melt between the teeth

Steve

you angered me greatly

used my generosity

abused my self simplicity

and took my money…

Steve

my grandad never liked you

you said you didn’t want kids, too,

please give me back my money!

you should know better then to take from strangers…

and Steve your gambling addiction won’t ever go away, I remember you stood in the alcove of the hotel near the station, stopped me from entering, cut the embarrassment, you was embarrassing, and I never really kissed that other man, I just danced and had fun, whilst you used my generosity, abused my self simplicity, im glad weve called it history.

You may never cross me again, and that’s great, but your finger marked imprint took my youthful days away, you can’t say that’s OK.

Steve they warned me, your best friend he toyed with me, and then stole the one friend, I ever had when I went through what I had to, just to please you, because you didn’t want children, and now I see you, running…

Steve

a child lays in your arms,

and a child holds onto your gambling fingers.

Steve

you returned to me again,

and asked me to pay to bail you out.

Steve

I will give you no more favours,

for I did what I did,

because you didn’t want children.

I did.

… and I little tiny piece of me, died,

I sacrificed a whole universe,

destroyed a whole planet,

the stars all in line like a slit wrist,

for you.

… and Steve if anything, you actually taught me that my inner woman is stronger than all lions and tigers combined, and that maybe just maybe, that tiny little imprint you left on my body, was barely a horror from the stories yet to come…

but for now another man provided me the stars the moon and I birthed a son.

Good morning all

I haven’t been on wordpress for some time. I’ve been here there and everywhere really…
But I’ve been frequently uploading poems on my youtube channel and Instagram @lilyth_poetry.
So , how are you all ? Fill me in with what’s been going on in the comments below , hope to hear from you.

Lilyth x

I carried ‘me’

(sorry this is an angry poem… but the moral is that you have your back no matter what don’t fall on someone else always look after yourself! 🙂

I carried me

I have this
horrible
gut feeling
that something more
is coming
no way did I frighten you?
seriously?
you didn’t seem frightened or terrified when you was trying to put your tongue down my throat
you didn’t seem scared or terrified when you was trying to get me to sleep over
you didn’t seem worried or petrified when I knock on your door
you didn’t seem scared or cared when you offered to take me back home!
I carried me!
I carried me!
you was nowhere to be found
I carried me!
I carried me!
I put my feet back on the ground

I have this horrible gut feeling
that something is about to happen
I want to prevent it but I just can’t seem to handle
you really think I’d make this up and go out all my way
do you really think I believe your shit that you didn’t like me because you thought that you was gay?
burry me in lies and things I would never dream or do
as long as your back is clear for you to carry on and pursue
and if she is non the wiser than fool her and fool you
I carried me!
I carried me!
you was nowhere to be found.
I carried me!
I carried me!
I put my feet back on the ground.
I carried me!
I carried me!
you was up there smoking crap
I carried me!
I carried me!
you took my heart now give it back

faceless in my dreams

you come to me faceless

every night for the last 3 nights
you come to me same words
I scream
‘stop it stop it come back
please ‘
my voice drifts off into the breeze

I collapse my feet give up
the night draws in. the doors are shut. the room in spins into another memory
I grow to forget of you and me.

every night for the last 3 nights
I’ve been in a struggle,
in a fight.
to go to sleep to close my eyes
incase I see you by surprise
just like you’ve gone
just like you’ve died
I just want to be by your side
but I’m just a waste of space
and im your sour aftertaste.

stop visiting me faceless in my dreams
stop talking to me please
stop showing up and haunting me
I’m trying to forget our memory
stop visting me faceless in my dreams
it’s to much for me to see
I can’t escape in the day it seems
what would the next option be at least?

maybe girls

Maybe girls

maybe girls
from what you say
from your version
of your reality
maybe girls lead you on
maybe girls have been wrong
don’t put me under the assumption
just because they caused you problems
doesn’t mean that I am one of them (a problem)
maybe girls where young back then
maybe girls didn’t know how to feel
but I know
I just know
that whatever you think you did wasn’t wrong
it was
the way you talk about girls
treat girls, is bad
you say those girls they asked for it
you say thier jeans where ripped and her hair was slick, her lips, her face the makeup, all indicated it, asked for it,
the eyes you could see it all in their eyes,
and their level of intoxication,
outweighed your thoughts and desperation,
maybe girls just wanted to look nice,
maybe girls just wanted to dance,
be human,
maybe girls shouldn’t have to put up with shit like this,
feeling watched and judged like they need permission to live.
maybe girls are happy without a dick,
maybe that is what the truth is.

Groggy

groggy-

noise is just noisy
and my hair is all knotty
hands, feet, ache.
I feel like I’ve been bitten by a snake
last night was sort of heavy
and I really wasn’t ready
to hear all the news
of your latest affair
I’m done with being perfect
if you want me, you’ll make it work
if you don’t, then I don’t care
at least I made my point clear
I don’t think
I will make drinking my hobby
I’m feeling sort of
groggy.

Ferris Wheel

I almost remembered how it feels
spinning like a Ferris wheel
I’ve never been good and controlling
scenarios tend to unfold in
situations I’m holding back on
never know what you’ve got till it’s gone
you made me realise
there’s always more behind the eye
almost remembered how it feels
spinning like a Ferris wheel
colours lights that sickly feeling
unknown exceptions and bruises healing
forgetting about where I’ve come from, been in,
all the pain almost going gone, dreaming,
my heads mad and visions blurry
it’s actually really scary dancing late night in heels
drinking, cig tabs, lipstick, cocktails and all the while I’m smiling, remembering how it feels spinning like a Ferris wheel 😍 🎡

helter skelter

Helter-skelter
She likes it so much
She scrunches the paper up
Slips it in her pillow case
Takes a screenshot just in case
Bitter envelope for a court case
Tired of winding up bad taste
She hates it
But still reads this shit
Like it’s aimed at it
When it’s not anything to do with it
I’m tired lady
Let me sleep lady
I have 3 babies
Get out my face lately
It’s not cool
I left school
So long ago
Just take me home
I can’t do it
Just do it
I’ll be done with this
In a moment please

I get it
You’ve had your whole half life defending your actions
Dealing with shitty attitudes
I get it
It’s not easy
So don’t attack me
Look at the person you see
Look at the vulnerability
He puts to you and me
We a scars
From broken jars
And penny sweets
The ones we didn’t eat
Empty vases
And empty birthday cards with
No names addressed in
Relationships we’ve invented in
Romantic gestures, we cast a shadow
With Shallow men
Who got us into bed.
I get it
We are roses
Without the petals
We are nettles
With freckles
trauma labours…

We live in life
Like
Far in
Heights
We are the stripes
Rugged carpets
See you later dads
And
Are you fucking glads,
A messed up pretty sight,
Look you’ve got the same ticket, right?
You can go to the side
or take the
Helter Skelter ride,
down the slide,
you decide.

Why i write poetry

Why I write poems

I didn’t think I would have to do a post like this I feel like this is my only defence as its been happening a few times this year now. The odd troll and the odd person who continue to attack me through social media.

I have met some pretty amazing people that I wouldn’t have met if it wasn’t for myself pushing myself out there and going to events. It took me months to get up onto the stage and read a poem and it taken me years to do anything like what I am doing now.

I know I have a small audience in which I cherish, and I won’t ever know if the audience will grow. But I am happy with where I am right now in the poetry journey and writing journey.

Its been so hard to find the confidence to do this I have never had much confidence in anything even growing up as a kid.

I haven’t done any of this to harm anyone I just love writing.

But I have now been pushed into a corner where I feel like I have to explain why I write, I know that I have lost some friends because I have been writing and sharing but that’s fine maybe I surprised them maybe it’s not their taste…

I know that some people assume they know all the meanings behind the poems but really it is for your own imagination some are from experiences some aren’t some are made up some are from other peoples lives and love stories. Growing up in a fucked up cyber communication world.

Some are about people that have been in and out of my life, they’re not all about the same person or event.

Lastly, I have never forced anyone to read any of my work. I knew that I would face challenges doing this and sharing on such wide platforms. I never would have thought that I would have to feel like I must explain myself and I hope I wont need to again.

I love words, I love emotive language and expression , imagination , notebooks pens, I love hearing from people who tell me that my poem made them cry happy made them think made them want to write and send me a poem to read. Its just amazing and I feel now I have only been able to talk to these people through the internet that I cant leave them now.

I just want to be able to write freely, be myself.
Like all the other amazing poets I’ve met this year.

benefits mum

hello its me
another benefits mum
another where the fucks my child maintenance?
skint at the end of the week
if i rent a house they need 6 month bank statements
in case i’m dodgy
nothing is private

hello its me
another benefits mum
I’ve had my housing delayed
rent nearly late
I made it
tried to get work
but the childcare cost more than a roof and food combined

Hi its me another benefits mum
apart from i’m always off my bum
i’m walking around these streets day in and out repeatedly
and now i’m
another mum asking another mum for a lump sum
to get some food for the little ones

its me
such a strange life to be
when money is controlling me
trapped in a system
patriarchy
cant break free
politicians put a number on me
like a cow in a field
and the media makes me sound like i am some kind of scum
but its hard i have little ones calling me mum
so i must have a responsibility
but the pressure society puts on me
makes me feel like i cant breathe
people assume its how i want to be
but
i could imagine being anywhere better…..

Letter 8 Rizlas

August 2005

dear,

I went to the park on my own today, hoody, joggers green NIKE trainers. I didn’t intend to go out and meet anyone, I just wanted to get out as its the summer holidays and they have been so boring this year. I normally just sit with my headphones in from my mp3 player, sometimes playing the boring album. You can only maybe get 1 or 2 albums on at a time and I don’t have that many CDs to start with anyway, maroon 5 is getting a little bit repetitive.

There where these lads here today that came over to me and started talking one was a little round and tried to bike around on top of the chopped up bark flooring, another one sort of skinny and has glasses and the 3rd he was oldest 15 and seemed a bit scruffy. And my god they could have done with a shower.

One of the lads asked what my name was , and I said Lilyth but it took them awhile to get there tounges around it. Asking me why I was on my own and why I’m not playing with anyone, and I tried to explain that no one I know was around here or out.

I got off the swing and went towards the climbing frame and we sat in the under part, away from the rain. The oldest lad was boasting about how he had learned how to roll cigarettes and that he smokes. He was a lot older than me but we didn’t seem to different. I don’t understand why they smelt so bad, I’m guessing that’s puberty or something. Oh, and they started asking if I was single , that was a little awkward.

Anyway the oldest lad was called Luke and he was really cute and I was telling him off saying he shouldn’t be smoking and that he is too young. When he wasn’t looking I took the packet of Green Rizlas off him. He seemed pretty lost I couldn’t help but think that the summer holiday had been a bit tough for him too.

They walked me home.

August 20th

I’ve been at dads all this week, mum said that the boys from the park keep coming to knock for me I told her to give them my number so I could text.

September 3rd

Mum called me today I haven’t been able to see her for some time dads been driving me around all his work places and I’m back at school this week I cant believe they’ve been knocking for so many weeks, I said to her again to give my number then I could text them, she must keep forgetting.

November 9th

Mum said that it is the last time that them lads call for me and she said she told them not to call on me anymore because I don’t live with her. I said it wasn’t my fault I wasn’t asking them to call on me. I feel a little bit sad though, I’ve put the Rizlas in one of my boxes and put it under the bed.

August 2009

I’ve been clearing out my bedroom now that I have to get ready for GCSE work, when I found this small thing of cig papers. I cant believe that I had them in my room for so long.

Letter 7 The Ambulance

August 7th 2003

Dear …

I always get a bit anxious when its weekends or half terms, I know most of my friends will be going on holiday or sometimes going out somewhere nice. But sometimes I have to sit in with my brothers, and mums finding it hard to wake up and my step dads filling the downstairs up with smoke. It would have been nice to stay with dad this weekend but he’s on a fun weekend away with a girl he has been talking to over msn.

11am

Mums still asleep on the sofa and we’ve been told its best to stay upstairs until everyone is awake.

3pm

Its been a bit of a boring day and mum went out an hour ago, step dad came up stairs to see if we had seen her, my youngest brothers climbing onto the top bunk and swinging off the bars.

7pm

We’ve spent most of the afternoon playing upstairs and watching Mr Bean but I really want to go home now but dad isn’t picking up the phone or replying to my messages. Dad gave me an emergency mobile phone when I was 6 or maybe 7 in case I ever needed him for emergency’s, I’m not too sure what that means. I remember once I was in the corner shop on Newland Avenue next to Jackson’s and I went inside next moment my mum had gone, and I didn’t know what to do she had just left me there.

My step dad just came in the room and said he would have to leave me here to watch them, I didn’t like this idea as I am only 8 and I don’t want to be left alone without my mum and dad. He looked really concerned and said that he needed to go and look for mum as she had gone missing all day and that he was very worried about her.

10pm

Its a bit strange being in a house on my own my brothers eventually went to sleep.

There’s some blue lights flashing on the curtains, I wonder if that means mums home now.

What’s wrong with me ?

What’s wrong with me?

You tell me all the things I want to hear

And I want you to want me like you say you do

But I can’t be in love with you?

I can’t find the way to restart this game?

And things just don’t seem to feel the same?

What is wrong with me ?

Your telling me the things I died to hear…

My head hits the pillow

my head hits the pillow.. down falls my body

laying on the sheet

down goes my worries

inside it heats

off goes the quilt

my head hits the pillow

my head hits the pillow

Monday soon turns to Sunday

and Saturdays never felt the same since I was 18

thats a whole lot of alcohol

a whole lot of drinking

now people asking me why I don’t just have a bottle

my head hits the pillow

another pillow

another bed

and beside me another head

my body falls

it lands inside the sheets

my worries climb in

like I gave them some kind of welcoming

I’m a disaster and you still persue me

that’s a shame

my head hits the pillow

down goes my head

head on the pillow again and again…

Deadly

depression is an illness that knows no forgiveness. depression is deadly and can take over if you let it

depression is cunning and scarily addictive

can cast out a shadow of your worst fears and doubts

depression is a dementure that takes over your soul,

it feeds off your body it can swallow you whole,

depression is an illness a deadly disease,

it can spread it if you let it, take down cities and streets,

we need to work harder a cure must be there,

depression is deadly it just doesn’t care…

depression is darkness its voiceless and sharp,

intelligent and pretty like a spark in the heart,

don’t let depression make you feel guilty ashamed or afraid,

take back the courage to fight it away.

dont let people tell you your abnormal or strange, depression is common and can hurt anyone daily…

depression is close it came a couple of times, yeah a few, but I met some great people who had been through it too,

they gave me some pointers,

some tips to get rid,

but the remedy not quite there,

sometimes it can win.

Letter 6 ‘thunder’

6th of August 2007

‘Thunder’

Dear,

It’s been terrible weather this evening and whilst everyone else in the house cries or hides when the thunder and lightening strikes. Dad always runs up to the attic with a microphone recorder. I’m never allowed in the attic and I get pretty freaked out or scared by the dolls he keeps on the stairs and landing. They are the dolls you see in shop windows.
Mannequins so they call them.
Terrifying. 
I snuck up tip toeing up the stairs so he didn’t yell at me and tell me to go. He still managed to hear the very faint squeak of the floor boards break.
“Lil?”
I slowly started to walk backwards but nearly toppled over my feet my socks where loose.

“Lil is that you”

Dad asked opening the door.

“Yes” I whispered

“What are you doing up”

“I can’t sleep the thunders scary”

“It’s ok come in but then you must go to sleep”

The door creaked open I hadn’t been in the attic before. Dad hated me or my brothers going in. My step mum only ever went in to develop photos in water trays.

The room was cluttered with books, comics, toys still in boxes, we wasn’t allowed to take them out the packaging , speakers, baby dolls and mannequins and a record player. Some rope hanging with images pegged on.

Sat near the computer desk with the ceiling window open was dad “shhh…” he said “can you hear that?….it’s beautiful”

Aaaaand that’s ok with me

You can ruin my parade today

You can piss on my bonfire

You can eat all the birthday cake say they’re left overs and was by mistake

You can shit stir you can make me look like a fool

You can do it all you want because I’m giving up

Aaaaaand that’s ok, with me !

You can scare off all possible opportunities

You can take away my pride at least

You can act as though I am a beast

You can make out that I am a thief

It doesn’t seem to make much difference

Your efforts are insignificant

Aaaaaand that’s ok , with me!

You can burst all my balloons

You can call me names destroy my fun

You can trick me into loving you

Punish me time and time

I don’t care I guess I’m fine

Aaaaaaand that’s ok, with me!

Dream

I hate my dreams

They wake me up

They give me shock

And shake me up

My dreams are playing memories

Casting on a wall for all to see

I hate my dreams, they wake me up

They stick in my mind for ages.

Theres too many things unresolved and it sucks.

I wish I didnt have to face it.

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I see a bird.

I see a bird
She
says no word
She
stands alone
She
Hops along

I see a bird
She
Has blue feathers
She
Is in the sunrise
She
Hops onto the side

I see a bird
She
opens her wings
she
only has one wing
she
can’t get in
she
tries to fly
she
could almost die
she is just a bird.

I see a stranger
She
Comes to get the bird
She
takes her home
She
Is gone for long:

I see a bird
She
Is in a pear tree
She
Has a song
She
Sings along
She

I see a bird
she
Spreads her wings
she
Has blue tips
She
Jumps along.

I see a bird
She
goes off and flys
She
Didn’t die
She
Is alive.

Daddy I’m sick

Daddy I’m sick

I cry every school night

Kids at school laugh

Talk about it sometimes

I stare at the sharpener

They said kids do it too

They’ve been talking about how to do it

Kids can be cruel

Daddy I’m sick

And you have duty of care

I know you know I’m suffering

I feel like your not there

I stare at the sharpener

It looks back at me too

Daddy I’m sick

Don’t make me go to school

The kids they all laugh

The teachers do to

Daddy I’m sick

And I cant put myself through

Daddy I’m sick

Daddy I’m sick

Daddy I’m sick

Where are you?

Rainbow fuel

Hope

Grows amongst the ivory

Snaking up the walls

Hope

hides in dandelions

Under spider crawls

Hidden in the pumpkin patches

Beneath the conker tree

Laying beneath the palm

of the frozen leaves

Fogs, inside the air, of a warm breath on winter’s eve

Sparkles in the star light

The underbelly of the city

The cat eyes on the motorway

Lolly lick and popsicle stick

Candy floss and green gray moss.

A mixture of impurities

Hope lays hidden inside of these

Unexpected

Under the muck in your nails

Under the slugs and the snails

Puddles of rain water and fuel combine an illusion of rainbows…

I was anxious- part 25 – I gave you back your clothes.

It was Thursday and you was at work. I was in town going to primark, on my own. I was wearing my yellow coat, hair pinned, makeup on. I wasn’t going to let what brought me down stop me taking care of myself.

Plus if you see me looking fine then it’s all fine.

You had been avoiding me and you vanished.

You left some clothes at mine I offered to help clean and dry because you dont have a working washing machine.

You didn’t bother to collect them.

Pretty sloppy really.

You was like oh right “hi” and “thankyou” you then followed me out of the door and said “so, you got any plans then” you nearly got me teared up I mean you fucking vanished POOF and then your asking me if I had plans.

“No. Not really.”

“You not seeing your friend”

“No not heard off them”

“Oh right”

“Not got uni?”

I just said I was going and said bye, you was stood leaning on the door. It was like some stupidly soppy romance film that had gone terribly wrong.

It was a haunting moment. You actually looked sad.

The next week I realised you left your charger. I mean you said it’s fine keep it but I really didn’t want any pieces of you left behind. How is it fair that I have to live with reminders but you can go about your daily life not giving a shit.

I went through town after counselling to return it.

I was stood for a little bit and I sort of thought you knew I was there but ignored me.

I said I will leave it on the till then.

You just said ‘ok thanks then Lil’ and sat back down. You had grown a massive beard.

I haven’t been back since haven’t even walked in that area. The thought of it makes me want to be sick.

You had a carseat and I said I was in no rush. Since what fecking use of it is to me when I have no car.

I said leave it at our friends I will get it at some point. It ended up with a friend of a friend. I actually thought you’d bring it back after the party.

You was in a rush you wanted me out as much as I wanted you out. Maybe?

Party.

It was it was our friends birthday party and I said I wasn’t sure at first if I should go but you said it would be ok maybe awkward at first.

I wasnt planning on staying long I had a gift and needed to drop it off.

Then I realised a whole conversation was happening without me behind closed doors.

That was low.

So, I wasn’t allowed to go to the party in the end.

& that was that, everything had been returned to where it should have been at least in smaller areas.

I was anxious – part 24 – the end

You’ll be glad to read that I’m almost at the end of the I was anxious series.

With me you have seen my vision of what I thought was a truely great blossoming relationship turn into nothing.

People are amazing actors, and its cruel for some of us who believe there is kindness in many and most to learn that is not always the truth.

Like I said before because of the situation and circumstance it would have been nice to hear your story, your opinion, you haven’t said a word.

At the very worst even civil friendship for the sake of the friendship group we had formed.

But whatever.

Your loss. Right?

My conscious is clear I apologised to you,I tried to reach out and speak about stuff and you ignored me.

I was anxious-Part 23- theres always rain after a storm.

For the best part things seemed to be bubbling over for me mentally.

In reflection Summer greated us with tremendous thunder storms. I remember you texting me one evening when you went round the corner to play warhammer games with a friend.

The lightening was so bright and the thunder was a beautiful drumming sound echoing throughout the night.

Perhaps there where no faults lying anywhere, perhaps this was a huge mistake and you wished you hadn’t have met me.

There are so many things I wont ever know, things I wont understand and probably more incidents like this to come.

I told you I sensed rain fall, I bought a new coat incase.

Then 1 month of rain in 24 hours fell, leading to flooding in Doncaster and Wales.

I met you, greated you with a rainbow, stunning summer ray’s, then a storm and now the rain.

I have to deal with things, I’m not sure how long it will take for me to repair things caused by excessive rainfall, such as the tears and hurt and upset.

As for the people coping with the actual flooding I really do hope the rain stops.

Too much rain on both terms is bad for anyone.

I’ve been so low, I have been bed bound with tonsillitis and fever 3 nights. 3rd outbreak this year.

There is no chance hearing from you, and I suppose that’s fine. I feel so much better being able to talk to someone the readers, and comments from them. People are kind in unfamiliar ways.

Maybe this wasn’t a summer love story like most people like and hope. But yet another challenge for my mental health and self esteem to overcome.