You stood in the kitchen,
Arms leant over the sink,
but no pot or pan left to clean,
A surprise for such a loud household,
Stood by the wash pile,
Knees leaning in towards the cupboard,
I stood in the alcove if the door into the kitchen,
I looked at you like I was looking in the mirror of a man who had aged a year in a day.
You walked over,
I thought you would kiss me,
It was killing me inside I was so excited to be near you after the events but at the same time so terrified of your presence.
What came next swallowed me whole and in my head I began to throw up and wanted to scream and violently destroy the house, I wanted to scratch at my skin until it bled, I wanted to drink until my insides where sore.
I repeated all these emotions not once but twice because the first time I didn’t really believe it and I thought it was just one of those games.
Look into my eyes I said. Look into my eyes if you mean it you will look into my eyes and not look away.
You forced your face forward into mine with anger. I always loved it when you was angry your glasses raised with your eyebrows. I thought I could always tell when you fed me a lie.
You said ‘ I don’t love you’
I said ‘fuck off …tell me again look into my eyes if you mean it’
You said ‘ I DO NOT LOVE YOU ANYMORE’
I couldn’t even feel myself in the same room as you anymore. I couldn’t work out what precise day it was, year or time. I was so confused, shocked and consumed by this hole beneath me.
‘why?’ I asked.
‘I just don’t’
You’ve been gone 3 years.