“It should of been me”
1st of August 2013
Hello, we’re half way there in one of my dads friends car.
First day without Bella away from home, I haven’t travelled very far in about 4 years. There isn’t too much to talk about on the way although there probably should have been.
It was nice just looking out of the car window at the scenery, something other than Hull.
I’m 18 and today I’m feeling very confused about the whole day. I was told to dress colourful. I didn’t really get a great chance to know her all that well. I felt like I knew her slightly. I remember being told to leave her alone there where a few words and I was ushered to the side.
She always said I was welcome to talk to her so I don’t know why dad didn’t like that.
It was only last month that I was told she was sick. I can’t believe now that she’s actually gone.
We’ve just arrived with a few hours to spare, I haven’t seen him in a year so I was excited to see him again. Although I realised this wasn’t a family reunion.
My dad walked over didn’t really say much , still looked the same, still pacing around on edge, still absent but understandable more so today out of all days. He walked me around the village and the place he had been staying. She always had an eye for beautiful fascinating decorations, I remembered dad telling me one of the first things about her, that she loved being creative and making stained glass windows.
Dad was trembling whilst getting ready for church “what have I done?” He said I didn’t know what he was on about. “What do you mean ? You’ve done the best you could have” I responded.
He opened the cupboard and boxes and tubs and bottles of pills fell out onto the floor. It was all the medication she needed to help her whilst she was unwell.
“I went to get the prescriptions, I gave her the medicine , it should have been me!” He explained. He then went on to say that he had enough pills left to finish it all. I could tell he was hurting and clearly needed help I didn’t know what to say as his 18 year old daughter.
It wasn’t his fault and I told him that it wasn’t the medication it would have been the cancer, he did all he could have done.
Everyone was arriving now, I was told to dress in colourful clothes.
Everyone else was in black.