I was anxious – part 8 – unbalanced seesaw

I haven’t really got to the end of the night club story but I’m moving on.

Maybe, I will return but im sure many of you would like to know what’s happend, like really happend what’s been going on. If I knew how to explain it easier, I would have said in the first few pages.

My wellbeing officer brought up the boiling frog in a pan saying that on and off for most of the years, I’ve been slowly boiled until I completely lose my rag because of someone saying things. Winding me up, being horrible, bringing me down, being emotional abusive.

Yet, I put up with it for a significant length of time because I kept hoping that there was goodness somewhere in the world.

I’ve had time to reflect on what’s been going on.

I still can’t fill in the missing gaps, there was no conclusion, no discussion, the whole time we spent was as if a shoulder shrug to you now…

We kissed out side your work, we kissed in your home, my home, we walked hand in hand we was something?

Now I wake up and I think, hang on was we?

Did I dream the whole thing? us reading the thesaurus as a laugh in bed guessing word meanings. Drinking in the garden , eating at my friends house. Going to the pubs on my door step, ice cream, car drives, drinking and seeing friends.

Did I completely imagine the whole thing?

I gave you the option there and then to leave me stranded , you said that was not what you wanted. You wanted me to fit into routine, you told the world I was your girlfriend. Something got lost in translation, I was hearing everything but seeing different.

I let you down?

I upset you?

What did I do?

You had the chance to dump me when I asked you, but instead choose to go to the pub talk for hours and hours, sleep with me. Then vanish!?

I waited, waited for a message, a phone call. I did not hear from you, I was getting more and more upset. I deleted you on facebook to tell you I was upset, but that made it worse.

I was told I was not allowed to a friends birthday party, because I wasn’t your girlfriend anymore, we didnt even discuss breaking up. You completely ghosted me. But spoke to my friend.

No one likes a liar and I was in the middle. I don’t blame my friend she was in the middle and she did what was needed to be done.

But, I felt so cold that night, alone deserted. Abandoned. I was going to wear blue polka dot dress she helped me put away, that day she sat on the end of my bed and spoke with me. We spoke about you, we spoke about life. I love her a great deal she is one of my closest friends.

We’re close, I’ve just been distant, busy at uni. Depressed.

No one likes a liar.

You was lying to me.

We’re adults we could have overcome this and there could have been a solution. I get it out of sight out of mind. If you make no effort to see me to be an adult then it’s easier for you. If you ghost me don’t reply or acknowledge then it’s easier for you. If I bring you your clothes and belongings. It’s easier for you. If you have all your friends persistently bothering you, then it’s easier for you.

Non of this was easy for me. I was on the unbalanced seesaw of life, and I had to deal with most of this on my own.

Not sure writing a 1000 words on it all could be seen as dealing with it to the opinion of others. But surely if it’s written down it must be true, it helps me reflect.

After all that’s all the counsellor tells me to do, to write it down.

Mainly because she knows I feel I have no one to talk to, especially now your not here.