I was anxious – part 9- Hornsea

I sat for some time whilst you went off to the toilet. Watching the children run up and down splashing in the sea pretending to be mermaids, picking up giant rocks and bringing them to me like absolute nutters almost landing them on their toes.

So much laughter, so much sun and so much happiness, it felt as if I was overdosing and inside a film I wasn’t supposed to be inside of.

We decided to take the children to Hornsea. You’ve always been a good friend like that, thinking about me and the children. I’d listen to you talk about your woes and you’d listen to mine about Faff and Davum the others. University concerns family dramas.

He was at work and I was sending him pictures of me at the seaside, a rare occasion of smiles. My best pal was also at work and I sent pictures across to her, would have been nice if everyone could have been there but I appreciate times where hard and more complex and complicated.

I sat watching the waves ush over my mind, I was in disbelief I’d made it out of Hull at last, after almost 7 years I hadn’t seen the seaside.

I knew I hadn’t lost my love for it because I instantly felt goosebumps all over my arms and legs as soon as the sand brushed against my toes.

The children where laughing and even though we was still in the UK that didn’t matter I could have been on sandy beaches abroad and I would have felt just as happy.

This was a strange moment for me it showed me that depression can leave you alone to enjoy life. I was anxious thinking about the long journey home, returning to mayhem and madness. It also made me realise that I didn’t have to be with you to feel the joys that I had been feeling. Perhaps this was reassurance on my clingy displays of past relationships, learning I don’t have to be utterly dependant on someone. But it was too late.

You kept me company wherever I was I was looking forward to coming back and telling you all about my day.

My friend had some dates lined up and was starting to feel better. I expressed concerns and worries and he went over them with me and he was reassuring me saying “yes” and “no” and well “maybe”, “that’s good” and that was helping me round up all my choices and giving me the best advice a friend possibly could.

Things looked up and I saw the best in you, all the good, all the excitement of a new life happening again.

I could live and die in those moment’s over and over just to learn how to keep hold of heaven, the ones where people got on with one another and I had friends around me cheering me on being by my side. Such good friends I could never lose.

I knew once I started these new journeys that the reality of things would slowly start to show.

That feeling when you feel like things are too good to be true. The worst feeling that an anxious person could ever, ever feel.

A phrase that takes the enjoyment of swimming around inside ones head.

It’s not possible, impossible, unbelievable.

I’m not good enough for these good things, happy starts, friends someone that’s telling me that they are in love with me.

I Thankyou for that day helping me come to terms with a great deal I had been through.

Depression was slipping away and anxiety not being as bad as it was.

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