I was anxious part 12 part 2 : I’m here for you.

My counsellor often told me to find peace with the unknown.

But, I always struggled with this concept.

Finding peace with not knowing, and not having the answers to questions, was hard.

Especially the ones I had swimming in my head over and over.

Sometimes it took over my life and stopped me worrying about the moments that I was living in.

Sometimes by the time I stopped worrying about the unknowns, I had missed out on so much time, that was really in reality, nice. Potentially even could have been happy.

If someone text me saying that they wanted to have sex with me whilst thier girlfriend was away on holiday.

That would be clear to most people that it means that person is using the other person to cheat. Get pleassure for themselves, selfish and greedy.

The only person that would get hurt is me.

But to me it made me wonder if there was a deeper meaning, did that person miss me? Did they care about me? Could I see this person and not sleep with them just talk to them? Was it even about sex or a cry for help?

(I wish you didnt use me like that you knew I would decline (different you) please read other parts to this series to understand the ‘yous’.)

Further, made me think about all the crap I’d been through. I could almost construct a guide on how to love someone, how to be kind, how to treat someone like a fucking human. We could all do with one about how to end a relationship and not be a c*nt about it.

When you’ve been in a similar place you may find yourself questioning everything. Even things that didnt need questioning. People said to me it was naivety, lack of understanding. I think it’s a matter of perspective, a different viewpoint. Perhaps, I just refuse to let go of the thought that there is good in people.

Some have souls so powerful but confidence so low they cant break the cycle.

The goodness in people can change lives of many. But we all lose a little bit of hope as we get older.

It’s hard to stay open minded and possitive when life is cruel to you in so many ways.

Grieving in our culture is so difficult and a hard emotion to process, we dont hear it enough that it is ok to cry, ok to reach out, it’s ok to shout and scream. We bottle it up, we vanish, we never talk about it, we treat it as if it never happend or it happend but its not worth ‘worrying about’.

Well yes it is worth worrying about, it will happend to all of us. It’s worth making sure we all feel ok about discussing things with one another. I always try to think of it this way, life should always be celebrated.

Its fucking horrible when you lose someone in an unimaginable way, but you have to carry on living and live with thier thought in mind sometimes. Would they want you to stop being successful and happy? No. Would they want you to be miserable and broken for the rest of your life? No.

I mean if we lived forever then people wouldn’t make effort and it would be a pretty boring life. It matters because your voice is worthy, hell your life is precious, your precious. You deserve to be loved and deserve to be happy.

Its easy to find peace with things like this in time. But finding peace with someone who leaves your life and is still able to tell you what they think and feel and dont, is challenging.

Treating it the same will help?

Would you want me to feel immensely distraught and break down?

Would you want me to not be successful and happy? I don’t know

But I need move forward and find peace with something.

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