I was anxious – part 20- The first time we met

It was a summers evening this year, my best friend knew how down I had been and she had been amazing support, incredible.

It felt like ‘a need’ to fall in love and be around people who are kind, positive, full of enlightenment and desire. We was sick of men pulling the wool over our eyes, treating us like daft cows.

We are strong women we’ve been through different things but could relate.

I suggested maybe a double date or something if anyone knew anyone who was single. Just wanted to have fun and relax. I had been through a really awful time. I wasn’t looking for sex or hook ups, I really just wanted to meet people and be around friends.

Luckily, my friends knew someone and they knew them well and said I shouldn’t worry because you was really kind and nice person and would never hurt anyone.

There was a day planned and organised for drinks at your place. I was anxious because I was moving home and I didn’t want to get drunk and hungover. I had no baby sitters able to help out and the ones who could, could only help for a couple of hours.

Not really a long time when you want to get to know people.

You opened the door and greeted us in, I didnt make too much effort with dressing up or anything, I couldn’t as all my clothes where in boxes and being moved.

I regretted not putting my heels on because you was pretty tall and I’m like a midget next to almost every adult and even 8 year old children are catching up with my height.

People laugh about this but it kind of gets a bit boring after years and years.

It was small, and I wont lie it looked lonely. Perhaps adjustments have been made since you cut me off, I guess I won’t really know and I guess I won’t really care.

Eventually.

You poured us all a drink in a mug, as you didnt have glasses. I remember you saying you dont get people round much and needed glasses, you was apologising but we really didn’t mind.

This was exciting and exciting for you.

Everyone deserves to have friends and people around them that care about them and visits them.

I told you alot about myself we spoke a lot about politics, little things and fairly serious stuff. It was nice, you listened to me you wasn’t shouting at me, calling me names, threatening me or abusing me.

The night was short and you guys went off to spider’s. We walked towards the nightclub you gave me your hoodie, and slipped a tenner into my hand for a taxi home.

You wanted to make sure I got back safe. Mentally I felt safer being out and with you guys. Going back was just a duty a responsibility, my heart wanted to stay. Stress.

My friend said that you didn’t stay out long because you told them you had already met someone that night and was no need to go into the night club looking for someone.

You then told me for months that you was so happy that I turned up that evening, after I told you I was close to not turning up because I was anxious.

You also kept saying you owed your friend drinks for life, because he introduced me to you and you hadn’t felt as happy as you did in a very long time.

You occasionally reminded me of that night and that you was is disbelief.

Perhaps I should have noticed sooner, remember me mentioning the too good to be true saying?

Now, all I have a deafening silencing ringin in my ears, and a stone in the pit of my stomach grinding up against my skin.

I feel like I’ve been in a car that was speeding but all the time it was going slow, and then suddenly smacks straight into a tree.

I’m sore, hurt, but on the inside.

On the outside, I look amazing.

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