Beautiful Summer : trigger warning

I think even though it was once of the most limited summers it was one of the most beautiful ones. When I carried you we was in the yard a lot of the time, and it was a really horrible yard it smelt of cat shit, and cat piss.

In the March, I planted these sunflower seeds and even since then I haven’t had the same success, and that is a long time almost 5 years I haven’t even been able to grow any the same.

I remember when they first started to grow I mean they was nothing for a long time, just a little puny stalk.

And then the next week or so when I looked at them again they was suddenly passed your sisters head, and she was 3 at the time. Small little thing, loud like you and loud like your sister.

And then your dad came into the yard one time and I mean he is very tall passed the door frame tall and they had reached up to his shoulders.

I started to joke and say that they was bean stalks or something, at least I was happy there was something taking my mind off everything, I spent a lot of time alone during your pregnancy up and down really. Some days the house would be full of his friends and then other days I just sat in the bedroom watching game of thrones, misfits. I was really screaming for help for comfort someone to be there for me. I was very scared and it wasn’t you at all I would never blame you and I don’t really blame anyone else I suppose its just what happens in life. Its why it really angers me that in all these TV shows and large baby showers and such everyone gathers around has a party and even sometimes the families get together and do a big baby shop. I never had that and I don’t know why, I think maybe mostly because of money and maybe because people misunderstood me they didn’t want to get close and no one was happy. Everyone argued when I was pregnant with you, I think some people where not happy because I already had a child, some because I was 21 others well because we needed to move and get a larger home, I suppose you cant really know whats up with everyone all the time, but at that time I did feel the most alone I had ever been, this never seems to be highlighted in real life and I just wanted to get it out there that it can be really fucking lonely when you are pregnant. But no one likes to address this. In my experience no one stood up, and I think I will always feel robbed of a loving pregnancy, a happy one and that’s quite sad because I don’t think I will have any more children.

Maybe my expectations where too high but I suppose I was grateful that there wasn’t too many issues in this pregnancy.  Although,  I had this raging bursting Gallbladder that made every pregnancy I have had a living nightmare and the only reason I couldn’t take a hand full of painkillers and wish it away was because you was growing inside me.

The sunflowers didn’t stop growing even when I got back from the hospital with you, and then they started to open, it was such a beautiful summer, and he was around more than he ever was when you was born, for the first few weeks, then I was back to being totally on my own again, I knew then I needed to move and get out of that house before it drove me even more insane.

I don’t know if it was the initial shock of the labour and the pain I was in or the fact there was actually a baby inside me and he hadn’t ever thought that was the case. I don’t think I will ever know but I just wanted you to know, that it was the most beautiful summer seeing those sunflowers and your little face, and it was the last summer I had with my grandfather, I wouldn’t have been able to deal with it with out him.

And I know where ever he may be now when you are in doubt he will be looking over you all, as he was very happy to be a GREAT Granddad so he would say,  he is one of the Greats all your uncles would agree!

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