Its 3 am and I have been calling you for some time to see where you are, I was wondering if you got caught up again at work, or maybe you was stuck in traffic on your way home. The baby has been awake most of the night and I think that I am losing my head, I know you will argue with me when you get back and say that you cant help with the baby because you’ve been at work all day and I know you’ll be mad that I didn’t get chance or have the energy to clean the pots.

I think its so strange that we have this baby together but you don’t seem to want to have this baby together.

I know when your home because I can always smell the back door open and weed drifting through it, it always worried me because I didn’t want the children to smell that, I didn’t want them to think that was the smell of their dad.

I have a high sense of smell, very high sense of smell I seem to know a lot by smelling, I don’t know if its a hormone thing but it is pretty hard for someone to hide alcohol and fag ash from me.

I really miss you and I wish that you could talk to me, I feel like im trapped inside this pen, and the only thing that is helping me gather my thoughts (which are hell of a lot right now) is words.

I know lots of people stick up for you and empathise, they make excuses like you have some long shifts, and you are only young. But I have my back arched over the baby all day and everyday and no one will come and just hold him. The neighbour did at one point and she was amazing with him. You know I think that’s all I need some sleep and some love, I never ever thought that I would really be having a baby on my own, its the most terrifying thing ever. Especially since we spoke about it a lot and you seemed really excited to have a baby, I mean you even cried at the scan.

I remember it like it was last week, the doctor asked you why you was crying and you said because you are just so happy it is a boy.

I was happy that you was happy and when you was happy I was happy. Which also is a terrible way to be because you was barely happy.

I think out of all the relationships I have had at least 2 of them have all left me because they said that University would get in the way, and I hate that I wasn’t allowed to make that choice. I mean it wasn’t them studying for a degree with little children? And then one day you also started saying the same thing.

The baby doesn’t want to sleep, he wants to be held closely all the time, and even one little movement to attempt to put him in his crib he begins to flinch about and cry. So I just sit and stay sat like a statue, until I realised the time and now its almost 4 am and your still not home.








Alive Memory 3


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