08.04.20

its been some more time now and I’ve had chance to think a little more, im not happy, im stuck in a degree I cant complete because of lock down and i feel very isolated and alone, there is no peace in the house to get thinking space, no tiny voice cheering me on or telling me to just get on with it.

Every night now I’ve been struggling to sleep and all day im restless, I’ve been depressed for a while now, and I know that I can write , I don’t know if I can write very well and I know I don’t have the perfect grammar if someone asked me who I was I wouldn’t be able to tell them.

and its sort of hard when you meet people, you don’t want them to fill a void or become a meaningful person in your life because its horrible when they leave you behind, and then what, your just sat around waiting or hoping they will talk to you again you or you go off in your life to meet someone else, this isnt partners this is everyone, I guess.

and sometimes I cant even explain my own writing , I have to go the long way around because I know now that people read my things, sometimes, and I don’t want them to assume anything or get upset.

when I started here I felt like this, I had no one behind me or in front of me and you guys stuck around came to my blog and commented your amazing comments and told me parts of your stories, and I fall in love with that everyday, I love that you listen to me and you don’t judge me too harshly, this brings me a lot peace.

I was never ready to leave counselling, but the system needed to rid me out because of funding and such and since then I’ve felt like  a piece of drift wood, or you know that feeling when you go swimming and your just laid on your back floating, its relaxing, and the lights in the swimming pool are really bright so bright you scrunch your eyes tightly shut, or when you face the sun, and you can feel it beaming on you as if lifting you up a little, but your sort of just floating, not really going anywhere.

I thought of messaging a few people to see if they would let me talk but I don’t want to do that, because they have enough going on for themselves.

and today I really don’t wanna do this.

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