I needed you. Like, really needed you. Wanted you.
I really didn’t want to write this part and I am so sorry. Your going to hate me, but you already hate me, there are so many people that already hate me.
I feel there is nothing to lose, this is my story and if I don’t share it I will carry on hurting myself inside.
Maybe it’s not even interesting maybe is not worth being written.
I have to get this out the way, its stopping me carry on.
I thought it was me for so long, I bought new underwear, I put makeup on, I wore nail varnish. I smelt good. I got my hair coloured.
Clothes, I bought new, I took control of my new body, shaved it, showered it, loved it.
But for some reason that wasn’t enough. Why wasn’t you attracted to me, why didn’t you want me? What did I do wrong?
You said it was romantic to wait.
But I later learnt that wasn’t the reason why.
We was having a cup of tea and then you sent me a text saying you really had to tell me something.
I got freaked out. Really freaked out. I asked you why you couldn’t just talk to me in person when you was in the same room as me.
There where holes starting to form in this new shiny relationship, and I was terrified. We’d been talking almost a month and we told each other most of the important parts.
You looked at me.
I had never seen you worried never seen you concerned. You was acting like the ‘thing’ you about to tell me was the be all and end all.
I was dumbfounded that you thought I wouldn’t want to know you after that.
The ‘thing’ you told me, didn’t bother me.
What have I done?