You was so angry at me you stopped bringing the dog round to have a drink out of the ice cream tub,
I kept leaving it around on the floor incase you’d show up.
I kept twitching at the curtains incase you walked passed.
I kept going to the front bedroom window incase I missed you by milliseconds in the night
I kept the bathroom window open incase you’d shouted my name.
You was so angry at me I painted all the living rooms a different shade to erase the madness and sadness that followed me
I thought about the evening we sat and watched comedy on Tv and if it would of been ok to have moved over to you and just lay across you.
You was so angry you completely cut off my phone calls
You ignored my texts and emails
You ignored me. You ignored my children, that laughed and jumped around shouting you and your dogs name.
My children cried to have ice cream. Asked me why I didn’t buy anymore.
They knew the dog wasn’t coming back. They knew you wasn’t.
I told them you’ve been on a job away just performing your poetry,
I told them that it wasn’t them because they automatically assume rejection.
I told them that the dog isn’t thirsty anymore.
I roared in tears clutching my stomach scars drowning myself in a cold shower
I brushed my hair reluctantly
Looked in the mirror.
My anxiety made me scratch at my skin.
Then you appeared with the car seats in an angry haste.
I was just wrapped in a bath towel
You dumped them on the door step and drove away.
Then you was gone again.
I went back to the shower and roared in more tears , asking why, asking when.
I collected boxes
I boxed my belongings
And I moved away.
I dreamt about the time we sat and I tried to feel confident enough to let you put your arm around me.
You thought it was you but it was the pain of the abuse and the confusion.
I know you wouldn’t abuse me,
But you wouldn’t give me time or a chance.
I kept moments and memories in my head for a year
I clung on to them to keep that happy moment on a reel in my head,
Because I love you,
And it kept my heart pumping blood.
You hate me so much you’re never going to call me again
You hate me so much that I remember the last call we had
Where you said that my life is too much drama
That you would help but don’t know how
That it’s great that I still felt the same
But then you left again,
I tried to bring you back
I tried to make it light
The last laugh, was about the squirrels,
I took my last walk around the cemetery
And text you saying ‘how there are so many?’
Laughing saying ‘they’ve been busy’
And you replied