Poems

I have been uploading on YouTube and on instagram feel welcome to take a look will update with poems soon Thankyou for all your time ❤️ hope everyone is okay 💖

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faceless in my dreams

you come to me faceless

every night for the last 3 nights
you come to me same words
I scream
‘stop it stop it come back
please ‘
my voice drifts off into the breeze

I collapse my feet give up
the night draws in. the doors are shut. the room in spins into another memory
I grow to forget of you and me.

every night for the last 3 nights
I’ve been in a struggle,
in a fight.
to go to sleep to close my eyes
incase I see you by surprise
just like you’ve gone
just like you’ve died
I just want to be by your side
but I’m just a waste of space
and im your sour aftertaste.

stop visiting me faceless in my dreams
stop talking to me please
stop showing up and haunting me
I’m trying to forget our memory
stop visting me faceless in my dreams
it’s to much for me to see
I can’t escape in the day it seems
what would the next option be at least?

maybe girls

Maybe girls

maybe girls
from what you say
from your version
of your reality
maybe girls lead you on
maybe girls have been wrong
don’t put me under the assumption
just because they caused you problems
doesn’t mean that I am one of them (a problem)
maybe girls where young back then
maybe girls didn’t know how to feel
but I know
I just know
that whatever you think you did wasn’t wrong
it was
the way you talk about girls
treat girls, is bad
you say those girls they asked for it
you say thier jeans where ripped and her hair was slick, her lips, her face the makeup, all indicated it, asked for it,
the eyes you could see it all in their eyes,
and their level of intoxication,
outweighed your thoughts and desperation,
maybe girls just wanted to look nice,
maybe girls just wanted to dance,
be human,
maybe girls shouldn’t have to put up with shit like this,
feeling watched and judged like they need permission to live.
maybe girls are happy without a dick,
maybe that is what the truth is.

Groggy

groggy-

noise is just noisy
and my hair is all knotty
hands, feet, ache.
I feel like I’ve been bitten by a snake
last night was sort of heavy
and I really wasn’t ready
to hear all the news
of your latest affair
I’m done with being perfect
if you want me, you’ll make it work
if you don’t, then I don’t care
at least I made my point clear
I don’t think
I will make drinking my hobby
I’m feeling sort of
groggy.

Ferris Wheel

I almost remembered how it feels
spinning like a Ferris wheel
I’ve never been good and controlling
scenarios tend to unfold in
situations I’m holding back on
never know what you’ve got till it’s gone
you made me realise
there’s always more behind the eye
almost remembered how it feels
spinning like a Ferris wheel
colours lights that sickly feeling
unknown exceptions and bruises healing
forgetting about where I’ve come from, been in,
all the pain almost going gone, dreaming,
my heads mad and visions blurry
it’s actually really scary dancing late night in heels
drinking, cig tabs, lipstick, cocktails and all the while I’m smiling, remembering how it feels spinning like a Ferris wheel 😍 🎡

helter skelter

Helter-skelter
She likes it so much
She scrunches the paper up
Slips it in her pillow case
Takes a screenshot just in case
Bitter envelope for a court case
Tired of winding up bad taste
She hates it
But still reads this shit
Like it’s aimed at it
When it’s not anything to do with it
I’m tired lady
Let me sleep lady
I have 3 babies
Get out my face lately
It’s not cool
I left school
So long ago
Just take me home
I can’t do it
Just do it
I’ll be done with this
In a moment please

I get it
You’ve had your whole half life defending your actions
Dealing with shitty attitudes
I get it
It’s not easy
So don’t attack me
Look at the person you see
Look at the vulnerability
He puts to you and me
We a scars
From broken jars
And penny sweets
The ones we didn’t eat
Empty vases
And empty birthday cards with
No names addressed in
Relationships we’ve invented in
Romantic gestures, we cast a shadow
With Shallow men
Who got us into bed.
I get it
We are roses
Without the petals
We are nettles
With freckles
trauma labours…

We live in life
Like
Far in
Heights
We are the stripes
Rugged carpets
See you later dads
And
Are you fucking glads,
A messed up pretty sight,
Look you’ve got the same ticket, right?
You can go to the side
or take the
Helter Skelter ride,
down the slide,
you decide.

Why i write poetry

Why I write poems

I didn’t think I would have to do a post like this I feel like this is my only defence as its been happening a few times this year now. The odd troll and the odd person who continue to attack me through social media.

I have met some pretty amazing people that I wouldn’t have met if it wasn’t for myself pushing myself out there and going to events. It took me months to get up onto the stage and read a poem and it taken me years to do anything like what I am doing now.

I know I have a small audience in which I cherish, and I won’t ever know if the audience will grow. But I am happy with where I am right now in the poetry journey and writing journey.

Its been so hard to find the confidence to do this I have never had much confidence in anything even growing up as a kid.

I haven’t done any of this to harm anyone I just love writing.

But I have now been pushed into a corner where I feel like I have to explain why I write, I know that I have lost some friends because I have been writing and sharing but that’s fine maybe I surprised them maybe it’s not their taste…

I know that some people assume they know all the meanings behind the poems but really it is for your own imagination some are from experiences some aren’t some are made up some are from other peoples lives and love stories. Growing up in a fucked up cyber communication world.

Some are about people that have been in and out of my life, they’re not all about the same person or event.

Lastly, I have never forced anyone to read any of my work. I knew that I would face challenges doing this and sharing on such wide platforms. I never would have thought that I would have to feel like I must explain myself and I hope I wont need to again.

I love words, I love emotive language and expression , imagination , notebooks pens, I love hearing from people who tell me that my poem made them cry happy made them think made them want to write and send me a poem to read. Its just amazing and I feel now I have only been able to talk to these people through the internet that I cant leave them now.

I just want to be able to write freely, be myself.
Like all the other amazing poets I’ve met this year.

benefits mum

hello its me
another benefits mum
another where the fucks my child maintenance?
skint at the end of the week
if i rent a house they need 6 month bank statements
in case i’m dodgy
nothing is private

hello its me
another benefits mum
I’ve had my housing delayed
rent nearly late
I made it
tried to get work
but the childcare cost more than a roof and food combined

Hi its me another benefits mum
apart from i’m always off my bum
i’m walking around these streets day in and out repeatedly
and now i’m
another mum asking another mum for a lump sum
to get some food for the little ones

its me
such a strange life to be
when money is controlling me
trapped in a system
patriarchy
cant break free
politicians put a number on me
like a cow in a field
and the media makes me sound like i am some kind of scum
but its hard i have little ones calling me mum
so i must have a responsibility
but the pressure society puts on me
makes me feel like i cant breathe
people assume its how i want to be
but
i could imagine being anywhere better…..

Letter 8 Rizlas

August 2005

dear,

I went to the park on my own today, hoody, joggers green NIKE trainers. I didn’t intend to go out and meet anyone, I just wanted to get out as its the summer holidays and they have been so boring this year. I normally just sit with my headphones in from my mp3 player, sometimes playing the boring album. You can only maybe get 1 or 2 albums on at a time and I don’t have that many CDs to start with anyway, maroon 5 is getting a little bit repetitive.

There where these lads here today that came over to me and started talking one was a little round and tried to bike around on top of the chopped up bark flooring, another one sort of skinny and has glasses and the 3rd he was oldest 15 and seemed a bit scruffy. And my god they could have done with a shower.

One of the lads asked what my name was , and I said Lilyth but it took them awhile to get there tounges around it. Asking me why I was on my own and why I’m not playing with anyone, and I tried to explain that no one I know was around here or out.

I got off the swing and went towards the climbing frame and we sat in the under part, away from the rain. The oldest lad was boasting about how he had learned how to roll cigarettes and that he smokes. He was a lot older than me but we didn’t seem to different. I don’t understand why they smelt so bad, I’m guessing that’s puberty or something. Oh, and they started asking if I was single , that was a little awkward.

Anyway the oldest lad was called Luke and he was really cute and I was telling him off saying he shouldn’t be smoking and that he is too young. When he wasn’t looking I took the packet of Green Rizlas off him. He seemed pretty lost I couldn’t help but think that the summer holiday had been a bit tough for him too.

They walked me home.

August 20th

I’ve been at dads all this week, mum said that the boys from the park keep coming to knock for me I told her to give them my number so I could text.

September 3rd

Mum called me today I haven’t been able to see her for some time dads been driving me around all his work places and I’m back at school this week I cant believe they’ve been knocking for so many weeks, I said to her again to give my number then I could text them, she must keep forgetting.

November 9th

Mum said that it is the last time that them lads call for me and she said she told them not to call on me anymore because I don’t live with her. I said it wasn’t my fault I wasn’t asking them to call on me. I feel a little bit sad though, I’ve put the Rizlas in one of my boxes and put it under the bed.

August 2009

I’ve been clearing out my bedroom now that I have to get ready for GCSE work, when I found this small thing of cig papers. I cant believe that I had them in my room for so long.

Letter 7 The Ambulance

August 7th 2003

Dear …

I always get a bit anxious when its weekends or half terms, I know most of my friends will be going on holiday or sometimes going out somewhere nice. But sometimes I have to sit in with my brothers, and mums finding it hard to wake up and my step dads filling the downstairs up with smoke. It would have been nice to stay with dad this weekend but he’s on a fun weekend away with a girl he has been talking to over msn.

11am

Mums still asleep on the sofa and we’ve been told its best to stay upstairs until everyone is awake.

3pm

Its been a bit of a boring day and mum went out an hour ago, step dad came up stairs to see if we had seen her, my youngest brothers climbing onto the top bunk and swinging off the bars.

7pm

We’ve spent most of the afternoon playing upstairs and watching Mr Bean but I really want to go home now but dad isn’t picking up the phone or replying to my messages. Dad gave me an emergency mobile phone when I was 6 or maybe 7 in case I ever needed him for emergency’s, I’m not too sure what that means. I remember once I was in the corner shop on Newland Avenue next to Jackson’s and I went inside next moment my mum had gone, and I didn’t know what to do she had just left me there.

My step dad just came in the room and said he would have to leave me here to watch them, I didn’t like this idea as I am only 8 and I don’t want to be left alone without my mum and dad. He looked really concerned and said that he needed to go and look for mum as she had gone missing all day and that he was very worried about her.

10pm

Its a bit strange being in a house on my own my brothers eventually went to sleep.

There’s some blue lights flashing on the curtains, I wonder if that means mums home now.