faceless in my dreams

you come to me faceless

every night for the last 3 nights
you come to me same words
I scream
‘stop it stop it come back
please ‘
my voice drifts off into the breeze

I collapse my feet give up
the night draws in. the doors are shut. the room in spins into another memory
I grow to forget of you and me.

every night for the last 3 nights
I’ve been in a struggle,
in a fight.
to go to sleep to close my eyes
incase I see you by surprise
just like you’ve gone
just like you’ve died
I just want to be by your side
but I’m just a waste of space
and im your sour aftertaste.

stop visiting me faceless in my dreams
stop talking to me please
stop showing up and haunting me
I’m trying to forget our memory
stop visting me faceless in my dreams
it’s to much for me to see
I can’t escape in the day it seems
what would the next option be at least?

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Lavender

Days and days go by,

my sweet god,

I’ve been waiting for you,

Your calming eyes,

Blue with a haze of purple ,

Black dot in the circle ,

You’ve been travelling through the night to get to me, at last ,

You was careful ,

You’ve found me…

My sweet lover ,

You was almost saturated in a fountain of bloody water,

Now your turning it back to blue,

Slipping your hands in and out ,

Is it better on the other side ?

My sweet god ,

With your calming heroic energy ,

Disastrous weather never bothered thee ,

And golden robes drape down on he,

The god of positive energy ,

Calming like

‘Lavender’

…growing in fields in France waving around it dances

Grab my hand whilst where standing ,

You came to me ,

Rescued me from drowning ,

My sweet god.

calming eyes,

Blue with a haze of purple,

Black dot in the circle,

golden robes right to your ankle ,

Your halo above it sparkles,

Will you rip it down wrap it round me neck and strangle ?

I’ve always been too much for a god to handle ,

Are you sure that I won’t be too much of a handful ?

I know I could be like ,

Lavender.

We don’t ever speak of Lavender

Would it ever be like Lavender?

Does she smell just like Lavender?

~

Sweet god, my traveller,

Eyes Blue with a haze of purple,

Black dot in the circle,

You travelled all this way,

Too meet me in the fields of gray,

To tell me it’s way too late….

One last thought before bed

I miss it,

But I’m so damn grateful that I’m so far away from that place,

I hate that I think of it,

But I know where I am,

I’m in such a safer environment,

It’s slightly distressing in the back of my memories,

The house was beautiful,

I imaged dancing holding wedding drapes,

Scrubbing off pieces of our wedding cake,

I miss it but it’s that part of my soul that needs to evaporator into the earth and never return,

I imagined raising our first child,

I watched them run in the garden,

All the seeds and flowers I watched them grow,

Nursed them as if I was a talented gardener,

But I had to leave all of that behind and that is was destroys me,

And as I look back in the memories of my mind.

I just see hate.

Blackness covering the garden.

Weed killer murdering the flowers.

And no child.

No cake.

No wedding drapes.

The world can harbour evil,

Who am I to challenge it?

And although deep this may seem,

It is sometimes one last thought before I go to bed.

8th jan 2019

This is how it should of been

Good morning naivety! 
Arms stretched out along the sofa 

Your shuffling a little closer 

Dinner in the oven by 6 and if it’s not , it’s going to be just eat! 

You smile at me like we’ve never been broken 

And I chuck the last slice at you like you’ve never eaten

Feet up on my knees 

And telly on loud so the neighbours don’t hear 

Your shoes thrown on the landing dear

Your lips all on my back and ears 

Fuck all meds and sertraline

Because this is how it should of been ! 
Passing your earing, to put on the side 

A drink perched next to us for the time 

That we get thirsty after this rhyme 

So your still thinking how to trick me next 

But I’m always a step a head 

And we lay across your bed 

Like we have only just met 

Your cold and I appreciate 

That things can never be too late 

Door opens and the car engines on 

It’s time for work but even when I go your never gone 

You drop me off so you can go 

My hand it holds on to yours 

As you push the steering wheel

You kiss me on my face it seems 

And I turn to you I smile and beam 

You say ‘what do you think all this means?’

And I say 

…this is how it should of been!’

I’m home first and that’s ok 

I chuck my purse on to the side again 

My phone it’s plugged into your charger 

I know that sort of makes you mad 

Kettle on because I know you love a brew 

And I can’t wait to just be with you 

It’s passed 6 your still not back 

And I sort of got stuck with a microwave pack 

I remember to wash your jeans 

For the weekend we spend time to be free 

I remember as you turned to me 

Laughing we giggled about 

How this is how we should of been 

The clocks been ticking for some time 

And I’m starting to go out my mind 

It’s 10pm and 6calls you’ve not returned 

I throw your meal into the litter 

And your cuppa went cold by supper 

I just hope your not in trouble 

But my fear is I’m seeing double

A catastrophe is about to elapse 

My body feels like it might collapse I fall asleep on the sofa…

To return to see you still not here. 

He’s a mess

He’s a mess

He’s a mess

so he’s healing

Whilst time is slow to him

It’s been a year to her

He’s a state

So he’s taking time away

She’s discovering love for word play

And performance poetry.

He’s breaking down

Giving all out

And she tried a few times

To get him to hear her loud

But he doesn’t want to listen

Doesn’t want to respond

She’s breaking too

There is no bond

She’s crying out for attention

But and the same time she just wants to give affection

And the random memories

Pop up here and there

She just wishes she could shift the earth

She changed her looks

Cut all her hair

She breaking

He’s still not recovering

There’s been no conversation since

Is this there transformation times?

Next time they meet will they be different

Will he tell her the truth and know emotions

Or will he be gone and still living in slow motion ?

And…what about that time they sat?

he walked over, slumped

His head he leaned across her chest

He laid his worries stresses, his mess

She wasn’t sure how to react

laid her hand across his chest

she absorbed his troubles too

she had no clue to what to do

He sighed and almost cried a tear

Why is he so desperately living in fear

She felt that he had not been cared for

But out she left again out of that door

A million words shared in just one setting

Is it all still worth forgetting ?

The mind sticks and clings to things we think we should get to know

But maybe she ought to let it go.

He’s a mess

She’s broken

Anticipating words unspoken

And if she hadn’t been through enough

The next parts gonna be really tough …

You and your giddy 😊

I wrote this one today:

Okay so I wrote this one today and its called ‘you and your giddy smile’

YOU could kill with those eyes

I sat down

you sat by

you could rotate the whole world

with those words

you leaned on me

I let you in

you haven’t left the flat for some time

and I don’t know why someone like you would choose to hide

when All the tears have gone and cried

I know I could’ve spent all the while

with just YOU and your ‘giddy smile’

you put the effort in and that’s what counts

now you started saying things like

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong

and

women seem to be mad and I don’t even know what I’m doing

that’s fine

I didn’t have any reason to be mad

with you anymore,

your okay and I’m alright,

I know that will get through the night,

I sat down and you sat by

you could rotate whole world with your words

you leaned on me

I’ll let you in when all the tears have gone and cried

I know I could just spend all the while with … just you and your

giddy smile…

he started meeting strangers off the Internet

he started meeting strangers off the Internet
still attached to the relationship with the girl who has an attitude problem worse than her mother
and
he never really actually liked her that much
he was more curious about her brother

I offered him arms and hope but he went back to drugs and smoke
whilst he was turning a different corner
he forgot about the things I told him

he started meeting strangers off the Internet
and he
always ignored me but never blocked me
just blanked me
I never understood why
maybe it was because he didn’t want me completely out of his life

I tried to give him opportunity’s to reach out
but
he kept going back to the girl with the attitude problem worse than her mother
and
I tried to be a friend tried to help him mend
but he pushed me away and said and did mean things mean actions

he started meeting strangers off the Internet
still with purpose to find cure for loneliness
even though he knows if he needed me
I’d be there in a heartbeat

dream

dream

you was in my dream
yet again
dreaming
dreaming
I never want to leave
if only you could stay
inside my dream
every time I fall asleep…
I see you change
become a better man
than you ever have
and nothing still
takes it away
how I feel for you
but I know its all delusional
nothing will be soluble

You say the words I want to hear

 

(warning poem contains swears)

 

You say the words I want to hear.

Look, I don’t have time for all these games,
When we were younger it was easier,
And you probably didn’t intend to,
But this time it is meaner, and I want to attend to,
The harm you’ve inflicted,
Before I become addicted.

Please don’t act like you give an interest,
We all know who gives zero fucks around here,
Please don’t say you’d come to me and rescue me,
We all know who talks shit around here,
Just please don’t act like you give an interest.

Even though it breaks my heart,

I’ve turned a corner for a fresh start.

I can’t die twice in your arms.

and I cant keep being harmed.

we all know you give zero fucks around here.

I’m so in love 😍

even if your not with me
even if your too far to see
even if we will never be
I’m still so in love

done the devil’s deed
but you’ve almost put the demons to bed
all the lies I have been fed
im still so in love

all the drugs and all the drink
don’t get to sleep no not a wink
I’ve stopped caring what people think
I’m still so in love

even after the rejection
acceptance of imperfection
becoming part of your confection
I’m still so in love

even after your taste of many women
their kisses sitting on your lips
breathing into my lungs
I’m still so in love

even after all the close reminders why
you shouldn’t be in my life

I’m
still
so…

drunk

hey, if you see this…. call me

if my links still saved in your phone
if my links still there on your laptop, alone
if my books in sync with your soul
if there’s room for me in those gaps and holes
if there is any doubt
or feeling at all
if your sitting there. and feel alone
all tensed up and about to blow
if there’s something in the water now
if there’s something you want to say but don’t know how
if you’ve searched my name a million times
you’ve crossed so many broken lines
if there is anything left on your earth at all
if your feeling empty and want more
then all you have to do is dial
unblock my number for a chance to smile
still pretending that it isn’t supposed to be this way
when you can clearly see.
that there is no place you’d rather be
that girls not right it should be me
if you think at last there’s a chance to fall
then all you got to do is call.
there’s still time
I’m alive
we’re pumping
our hearts still beat
like young love is supposed to
I want to be your only
your go to
let’s make this a year to remeber
let’s take this back to December.