I’ve written almost 4 thousand words in 24 hours about utter fucking nonsense.
The thing is when you attach your heart to something you invest. You go the extra mile, you brush your teeth, you dye your hair to get rid of horrible red bits shining through, you bite your nails off, you hack and cut away at your pubes and make sure your legs are as smooth as seals eyelids.
Make sure that your armpits are clear from hair and eyebrows are plucked and picked in just the right shape.
You make effort, you feel awake, you have purpose.
Problem is I should have felt like this anyway, and what’s the use now when I’m smiling at myself in the mirror and so used to feeling you around me or come up to me. There is just so much that gives me the constant shivers.
The thing is the burger cheese really wasn’t the problem at all. Or the jokes about me being younger, and while I’m at it even the beard wasn’t a problem. Or the fact you told me you loved me but left me with doubt, eating me from the inside perforating through my organs, constant agony, leading my brain to overdrive.
Look, I don’t mind beards I just can’t kiss much of a beard, it feels prickly inside my nostrils and I can’t really snog a beard or maybe, I’m just not woman enough to deal with beards being close to my face. Its personal ok I have an opinion about beards. I’m not ashamed to admit it. Don’t send the beard police on to me.
I doubted them words because the thing is if you truly love someone you don’t leave them hanging, you dont ignore them, you don’t let other things overshadow them.
Maybe you feel bad for telling me and not meaning it.
I’m dealing with it now. But it does hurt I won’t lie. Little tiny words but they are very powerful and meaningful.
I love you is a commitment, you never just say it for the sake of saying it?
We was in the nightclub and it was you birthday, I bought you a card the day before saying, ‘with love’ and I kick myself now.
I should have just put I love you but I didn’t want it to make it hard for you to make the choice to leave, if that was what you was planning on doing so in the future.
That’s right I think of everything, I am such an anxious freak. I wish I did buy you a romantic card at least because that’s what you was hoping. However if I did do all these other things differently then it doesn’t mean you would still be here, because that’s not how it works.
The world wanted me to have a different card, the world wanted this.
We’d just shared our phone numbers and you text me after you had been for a drive, about seeing a really beautiful rainbow, and then you apologised because you thought that wasn’t a very masculine thing to say. The thing is it didn’t put me off you, it made me fall for you even more. There is no such thing as being more or less of a man especially in this secnario, you was pointing out the beautiful things in the world, only a very awake person does this.
The thing is you was facing real issues I wanted to enlighten you, I got a card that said age didn’t matter, I know you was all depressed about your age for 2 reasons. I know because I listened to you, but I’m not going to share because again I have respect for you and it’s not my place, even though I have not mentioned your name, in case people guess I don’t want to share.
In spiders nightclub, I think I passed the friends test, whilst you left for a piss for the 3rd time I was stood talking to them.
They had questions, they knew and know nothing about me, even now. Which is a shame because I really liked them. They was kind to me.
The first friend, she was nice, said I looked pretty and you was lucky, she said she was telling her husband not to look at me. I said I would almost certainly think about putting a ring on you, in nice way not a creepy way. That got me an ‘aww…’ She said you was kind and seemed to really like me, and you would be kind and look after me.
The other friends was nice to me caring talkative and the one who made references to me being a child I got my revenge and gave him a lollipop, I was given on the way in.
There was another friend but that was more towards the end of the night. So everyone just got drunk, drank more did the norm. I am still sorry that I think I ruined the night for you.
So what happend?
Well everything was going amazingly and we got a photo and you did a speech on how lucky you felt, you was saying to all your friends and why you was happy and then you looked at me and you said “I am so happy that I am with my girlfriend too…” and you looked at me for a response because it wasn’t really official, and hell yeah I mean this was exciting I wanted this, this is all I wanted for a long time to be treated like I was a girlfriend, to be someone’s other half, to be their one and only and to be by their side to battle any battles that where about to be thrown our way.
So what was the problem then?
Well you was drunk, and I was heading the same direction, you was touchy feely and yeah that was fine. I was on my period so that wasn’t really very fun or birthday inviting. I wasn’t even mad at this, I was falling even more, but the thing was, there was no accomodation for me. Surely, if I was your girlfriend then I would be staying with you going back to yours and surely if I was your girlfriend then we better start thinking more of a plan to see each other a little more often.
I never wanted to get as drunk as I did that night that was not my intention, I hate myself for getting that drunk. Because when your with me and my normal anxious self, normal anxious self plus 8 or 9 alcoholic drinks i’m talking vodkas, shots, whisky, malibu, the added worry of what the fuck was going on you just called me your ‘girlfriend’ in front of the whole entire world, I was freaking out where would I stay, I didn’t know where I was going to sleep.
These moments my new happiest moments of my life and I was destroying them because I couldn’t help but get upset.
Issue is I am not good enough, for you, for anyone and your realised this and maybe that’s a reason that your not here anymore.
I went straight into the bathroom and just cried.
That’s right I wanted to contain myself, it was a secret that I was so upset I didn’t want you to see me this upset it was your fucking birthday and everyone else around me is watching me, I dont go to night clubs im a single mum of kids. I don’t have adult experiance of how to interact, I haven’t been called someone’s girlfriend, that doesn’t happen. Months I had been so depressed I didn’t know how much longer I could go on and now I had finally found someone who was like me in so many ways, you even like marmite, now that’s a fucking rarity.
I could not hide, you saw me sad and you knew I was sad and you and your friends passed me water, this was not just the alcohol this was me.
I was so depressed, I was mentally destroying myself telling myself over and over. Just leave he won’t put up with you, your not good enough, end it all whilst your happy. You’ve thought of these plans you’ve been thinking it for months whilst you was in that shitty tiny house with no internet, you have been thinking it. Don’t let this moment of happiness stop you from ending it all.
This is what I was telling myself, but back home my girl friends where keeping me going, they gave me the reasurance I needed, they was there for me at my lowest.
At least if I lose this guy I will always have my girl friends. I don’t need a man to be happy or feel happiness, that is the golden rule.
But you was different.