Him

…..there is no description for him imagine a fuzzy screen or a fire alarm, a shut down supermarket or a flooded bathroom.

I was anxious – part 6 I’m sorry

So, I can’t remember precisely how many days have gone. Weeks have passed, maybe it’s not that many.

Almost 2 months maybe, time became less important it just happened I know I don’t have control over it so it just carry’s on happening.

It’s almost Halloween and I even ordered a stupid corset, incase we all did go out as a group, it arrived a month ago, I havent even tried it on, I didn’t see the point. I haven’t bothered with decorations baking this year, because I just feel as though my spirits have been dropped.

So much so I don’t think I will even bother buying Christmas decorations I don’t have a tree or anything it was left behind in the house I left. I know I know it’s for the kids.

I’ve moved 3 times this year it’s been difficult. So when you mentioned looking for a bigger house it threw me off. Another grand gesture, I got my head round it then in the last week or so you sort of just slowly stopped talking to me and that’s the point where we are at.

My mum believes there’s no reasoning to it, that your a coward and perhaps it’s because you wasn’t interested after all.

I think there’s more to it but maybe that’s because I partly blame myself for most things.

It probably didn’t help that I deleted you but my logic was it would trigger you to call me or something.

Nothing happened, I have sent messages but you just ignore me. I know your around because of the other things that happened shortly after and you was talking to my friend. But why couldn’t you talk to me?

My theory is your scared, don’t give a fuck, couldn’t careless, there’s another woman involved, you moved on immediately or I imagined the whole thing.

The thing is the truth always comes out, always and everyone is a liar.

You may not be surprised to learn but I am. I was going into this with my head straight. Why I asked questions like what we wanted, and little bits of future. I didn’t think you was a liar and I still dont think you are but I have nothing nothing at all to believe otherwise.

That’s why I’m stuck. Completely stuck. I keep moving forward but you hold me back unintentionally, with out knowing.

We had more good days then bad infact we only had one bad day , ok maybe two. But bad days are bound to happen. I was prepared to make things work I was prepared, I listened, I was there.

But there was something else?

Or someone else?

I’m sorry

I was anxious- part 5 continued

So we got to the part where we was in the nightclub.

I was balling my eyes out I needed you close and next to me and you allowed yourself to be close and next to me. You didnt shout at me or have ago, or tell me to stop crying, you didnt get embarrassed by me. These were all actions I wasn’t used to.

You held me really tight you let me cry and didnt judge me you waited until my storm had passed, we went to a corner of the nightclub that wasn’t as busy you had your arms around me and you sat me down next to you and held me.

Since you left, I’ve been in that storm for so long rocking along up and down in a boat.

You might think that saying this doesn’t change anything. Your right, but this is all part of the story and this is all important because you showed me that a man is capable of being understanding. That maybe I am capable of being loved and cared for.

… tbc

I was anxious- part 5

I’ve written almost 4 thousand words in 24 hours about utter fucking nonsense.

Maybe, perhaps.

The thing is when you attach your heart to something you invest. You go the extra mile, you brush your teeth, you dye your hair to get rid of horrible red bits shining through, you bite your nails off, you hack and cut away at your pubes and make sure your legs are as smooth as seals eyelids.

Make sure that your armpits are clear from hair and eyebrows are plucked and picked in just the right shape.

You make effort, you feel awake, you have purpose.

Problem is I should have felt like this anyway, and what’s the use now when I’m smiling at myself in the mirror and so used to feeling you around me or come up to me. There is just so much that gives me the constant shivers.

The thing is the burger cheese really wasn’t the problem at all. Or the jokes about me being younger, and while I’m at it even the beard wasn’t a problem. Or the fact you told me you loved me but left me with doubt, eating me from the inside perforating through my organs, constant agony, leading my brain to overdrive.

That’s right.

Look, I don’t mind beards I just can’t kiss much of a beard, it feels prickly inside my nostrils and I can’t really snog a beard or maybe, I’m just not woman enough to deal with beards being close to my face. Its personal ok I have an opinion about beards. I’m not ashamed to admit it. Don’t send the beard police on to me.

I doubted them words because the thing is if you truly love someone you don’t leave them hanging, you dont ignore them, you don’t let other things overshadow them.

Maybe you feel bad for telling me and not meaning it.

It’s ok.

I’m dealing with it now. But it does hurt I won’t lie. Little tiny words but they are very powerful and meaningful.

To me.

I love you is a commitment, you never just say it for the sake of saying it?

We was in the nightclub and it was you birthday, I bought you a card the day before saying, ‘with love’ and I kick myself now.

I should have just put I love you but I didn’t want it to make it hard for you to make the choice to leave, if that was what you was planning on doing so in the future.

That’s right I think of everything, I am such an anxious freak. I wish I did buy you a romantic card at least because that’s what you was hoping. However if I did do all these other things differently then it doesn’t mean you would still be here, because that’s not how it works.

The world wanted me to have a different card, the world wanted this.

We’d just shared our phone numbers and you text me after you had been for a drive, about seeing a really beautiful rainbow, and then you apologised because you thought that wasn’t a very masculine thing to say. The thing is it didn’t put me off you, it made me fall for you even more. There is no such thing as being more or less of a man especially in this secnario, you was pointing out the beautiful things in the world, only a very awake person does this.

The thing is you was facing real issues I wanted to enlighten you, I got a card that said age didn’t matter, I know you was all depressed about your age for 2 reasons. I know because I listened to you, but I’m not going to share because again I have respect for you and it’s not my place, even though I have not mentioned your name, in case people guess I don’t want to share.

In spiders nightclub, I think I passed the friends test, whilst you left for a piss for the 3rd time I was stood talking to them.

They had questions, they knew and know nothing about me, even now. Which is a shame because I really liked them. They was kind to me.

The first friend, she was nice, said I looked pretty and you was lucky, she said she was telling her husband not to look at me. I said I would almost certainly think about putting a ring on you, in nice way not a creepy way. That got me an ‘aww…’ She said you was kind and seemed to really like me, and you would be kind and look after me.

The other friends was nice to me caring talkative and the one who made references to me being a child I got my revenge and gave him a lollipop, I was given on the way in.

There was another friend but that was more towards the end of the night. So everyone just got drunk, drank more did the norm. I am still sorry that I think I ruined the night for you.

So what happend?

Well everything was going amazingly and we got a photo and you did a speech on how lucky you felt, you was saying to all your friends and why you was happy and then you looked at me and you said “I am so happy that I am with my girlfriend too…” and you looked at me for a response because it wasn’t really official, and hell yeah I mean this was exciting I wanted this, this is all I wanted for a long time to be treated like I was a girlfriend, to be someone’s other half, to be their one and only and to be by their side to battle any battles that where about to be thrown our way.

So what was the problem then?

Well you was drunk, and I was heading the same direction, you was touchy feely and yeah that was fine. I was on my period so that wasn’t really very fun or birthday inviting. I wasn’t even mad at this, I was falling even more, but the thing was, there was no accomodation for me. Surely, if I was your girlfriend then I would be staying with you going back to yours and surely if I was your girlfriend then we better start thinking more of a plan to see each other a little more often.

I never wanted to get as drunk as I did that night that was not my intention, I hate myself for getting that drunk. Because when your with me and my normal anxious self, normal anxious self plus 8 or 9 alcoholic drinks i’m talking vodkas, shots, whisky, malibu, the added worry of what the fuck was going on you just called me your ‘girlfriend’ in front of the whole entire world, I was freaking out where would I stay, I didn’t know where I was going to sleep.

These moments my new happiest moments of my life and I was destroying them because I couldn’t help but get upset.

Issue is I am not good enough, for you, for anyone and your realised this and maybe that’s a reason that your not here anymore.

I went straight into the bathroom and just cried.

That’s right I wanted to contain myself, it was a secret that I was so upset I didn’t want you to see me this upset it was your fucking birthday and everyone else around me is watching me, I dont go to night clubs im a single mum of kids. I don’t have adult experiance of how to interact, I haven’t been called someone’s girlfriend, that doesn’t happen. Months I had been so depressed I didn’t know how much longer I could go on and now I had finally found someone who was like me in so many ways, you even like marmite, now that’s a fucking rarity.

I could not hide, you saw me sad and you knew I was sad and you and your friends passed me water, this was not just the alcohol this was me.

I was so depressed, I was mentally destroying myself telling myself over and over. Just leave he won’t put up with you, your not good enough, end it all whilst your happy. You’ve thought of these plans you’ve been thinking it for months whilst you was in that shitty tiny house with no internet, you have been thinking it. Don’t let this moment of happiness stop you from ending it all.

This is what I was telling myself, but back home my girl friends where keeping me going, they gave me the reasurance I needed, they was there for me at my lowest.

At least if I lose this guy I will always have my girl friends. I don’t need a man to be happy or feel happiness, that is the golden rule.

But you was different.

I was anxious-part 4

The first time I saw you vulnerable, and this time I’m talking about a different you, but again I can’t and wont mention your name but not because I care about you, but because I know what you’ve been doing and I’m not scared of you but I dont like what you’ve been doing.

So for the benefit of the story.

I will call you Lucas, it’s a better name for you anyway your actual name is starting to make me want to wretch everytime I say it.

Lucas.

The first time I saw you vulnerable was on a weekday, the start of 2014. I randomly got hold of a babysitter aka mum, you must have finished or been off work that day.

It was pretty early in the day, I called you up to see if you fancied a drink.

Why am I mentioning this now?

Well, I said I hadn’t had a date before and I dont think I had, I didn’t class this as a date because I organised this myself.

We went to the new pizza place bar on the corner of Alexandra Avenue, yes thats right Lucas you can accuse me of being heartless but I have an amazing memory, why would I want to completely erase parts of my history?

I feel like we forget that we are not computers, we are not facebook messenger, we dont just erase things like messages and images, block and remove, you know pretend like it never happend.

Because that’s what you did didn’t you Lucas, you ran away and you didn’t face the music. Just like you would with all the other people who meant something one point in your life.

Perhaps the first you I discussed in the first parts can relate. Just the difference is he was 20 and this was almost 6 years ago.

So we was sat outside and you didnt have any money, I didnt really have any money, I was 18 year old single mum, college student, living off income support and even now that doesnt exist.

I bought you half a pint if I remember correctly.

You was wearing broken glasses, you had messy sheep hair and you was all honestly a state. That didnt bother me you needed me and maybe I needed you and it was nice to share part of my story with you.

Even though I felt like you wasn’t even there half the time, maybe because you wasnt, you was too fixated in other things.

But for the time being you was sat in front of me and I was sat in front of you.

You told me you didnt like your voice, and I said dont be silly it’s fine. Basically your excuse was you sounded like a dumb kid, and you thought it was from the drugs.

I suggested you had a break or something, you was in a bad way maybe at this moment in time you was going through an horrific breakup? I didnt really know because you didnt tell me?

It wasn’t until I saw her figure go past my door a handful of times

I didn’t realise I knew the girl, or should I say knew of the girl. She was a talented artist in school, quiet, shy, vulnerable. She’d been in my class, I’d seen her and a few of her friends get bullied and she had seen me be bullied. But we never really said anything we wasn’t friends , we just knew we was bullied and studied art in the same class.

I felt bad I wish I spoke to her, I really wish I got her story. That would have been an interesting one to hear.

Anyway, she probably thought I purposely was out to seek you to spite her, how if I had no idea?

So you guys still was hooking up, or smoking joints. I cant ever think who got who addicted? I don’t think you treated her the best if I’m honest. But credit to you, you visited her when she was sick and you contacted her when you wasnt together. You wasnt the kind of guy who wanted his dick wet, so I assumed it was probably mainly about drugs, possibly loneliness.

But with me 3 years on, no, no, no, we have a son and I could of died and you still didnt even get in contact. I was going though absolute hell, and if I wasnt already physically sick, I was close to mentally calling it a day and that’s happend more than I’m proud of.

But we are not here to talk about me, that will come, this is mainly about all of yous.

It’s not a blame bible or anything, I’m just writing to understand what’s happened. Too many people gossip and that’s not fun, gossip is ignorance of the truth.

Bullies never fade, you think you spend all you high school days praying for the day it will end and it ends. Only to reach adult maturity to learn it never fucking ends. And thanks to facebook it is always there, forever, and if it’s not posted on their timelines it’s inside thier inboxes.

That’s right people are two faced, and extremely two faced. They slag you off call you names in your other friends inboxes.

That’s what you showed me Lucas, your friends still bully me and we haven’t even been together for almost 4 years.

You didnt defend me then and you don’t defend me now.

That’s fine. At least because that rule has to end was you break up? Right?

Wrong, why cant people just be nice to one another after breakups or at least try and be civil. I would be embarrassed if people wrote things about you now to try and hurt you.

But just so you know, I never experienced depression as dark as I have since all of it. Even every now and again I see flashes of abusive words and phrases said about me on Facebook.

Do you know how hard that is to live with?

Image by Curtis Wiklund

I was anxious- part 3

If you’ve read this far ahead then wow thanks, and I hope your enjoying the story so far.

As you may have thought in the last entries that maybe there was no need for me to be as anxious as I was in the start but you may start to see why further on.

I told you, I hate birthdays they always seem to cause issues, not like on purpose, at least ‘mine’ did anyway and I told you I definelty wasn’t into mine and that I hadn’t done anything for mine since I was maybe 18 or so mainly because of being thrown out a month or so after my 16th.

Having ex’s that made 0 effort, or made some effort but made me feel bad during.

You said it would be all ok and that you would make my next one feel good, and to expect presents, this was a grand gesture and I loved that you said this. Only now I go back on my word and hate that its not going to happen now and my birthday is gonna suck big time, sort of wish I took your comment with a pinch of salt I was looking forward to it.

So today was your birthday, and you’d been with friends for awhile before i met you although we had a little struggle deciding if it was a good idea for me to come. I really wanted to come and it puzzled me a little bit why you would want to put me off, but you reassured me and said it’s just because it will be all the guys and then I thought well that doesn’t really bother me either and I wanted to see you, we was starting to be something and it would have been nice to just see you for a drink.

I was prepared to just see you for one and see you the next day or something, but we carried on with the plan for me to meet you and go from there.

I looked at presents, a fair few, I carried them to the till and then I took them back because I wasn’t sure you would like them. I mean I had a good idea of what you liked at this point I was going to buy you best selling crime book, fiction.

I know I had been out with you already before now and I really didn’t want to be overseeing you or coming across as anything and I don’t think you thought that because when I saw you you seemed really happy to see me, I know I dressed like and absolute turd, but I wasn’t used to going out, and I honestly had no idea what to wear.

You introduced me to your friends they was nice, and I cant not mention the one who said I looked like a child which was fine because it only meant that meant that you…

Look I wont go there it was ither a dig at my age which is fucking stupid because the legal age to drink is 18 and im 6 years past that, and my hieght is just my hieght, he wasnt much taller so it just made the stupid comments look daft and he probably was doing it because he wanted some of my fine arse, i’m joking I dont think I have a fine arse.

I mean he was nice looking to be honest and I am so fucking happy I am allowed to say this now because my god if I wasn’t allowed to say it I would have ended up just saying it anyway.

You was close to this person and you had a lot of sympathy for him but we never got far enough for me to understand this but again I respected that this was how things was and it wasn’t any of my buisness and that is why I didn’t ask, what the deal with that person was.

I was holding your hand under the table and placing it on your knee, kissing you, it was nice it was right and it was supposed to be like that, you was getting drunk, wasted and I wasnt really that drunk we walked off up to spiders and it was really great night, I know that it wasnt my night i really didnt want to take the attention, I carried your bizzare unicorn bag with the sugar and the burger cheese in, we went to the cloak room together and we went for a cig.

Now this night was significant in many ways in some ways this was you and this is how you was around friends, your friends are apart of you, they are your family, your world, they are important and if I didnt pass the friends test and they thought I was insane, they probably do now but oh well, then I had no chance in this new life.

I’m sorry, I had to stop here because it was all just making me far too upset, I just think about what you would say to me and probably tell me to just get the fuck over it, theres part of me just wishing and hoping that I will wake up one day and there will be a letter back in the door, a phone call or you.

Flowers even some chocolates to hand, don’t get me started on your chocolate analogy, look chocolates don’t matter if you was stood there with flowers, or just stood there it would be like, oh wow moment.

Basically, all I am saying is it would be so nice to see you. I know this is not some chic flick love film and real life is fucked up and misreable, if I had chance again to talk to you some may think it would be for the wrong reasons, selfish reasoning, I am not a horrible person, I understand if it is someones wishes not to see someone and if they dont want to see me then fine, it has to be what the other person wants otherwise its not fair.

Yes, I’m a terrible communicator, I send text messages and they are all jumbled and I think people missunderstand me sometimes, look I’m only human and I know I’ve fucked up too.

Letters youll never see 29th October 2019

Dear,

I’ve been looking at this fucking essay for 11 days. Only you would know how to tackle it.

Old policing, new policing whats the difference why did the uk introduce new style policing, what about the watchmen, the people who was going out their way to keep order, non paid non uniformed. New police style more functional, paid, introduced to tackle new class wars.

I know where your heart was and where it could of been. I was observing your emotions and listening to every word, stories you told me your desires interests. I wanted to be there to support you, give you back that part if your brain you used up on topics you enjoyed, your intelligent enough to do so. But you put yourself down, so down, that’s not healthy you know. It makes me think now that all the things we spoke about meant nothing.

Theres way to many old grounds I cant keep going over everytime I meet someone, so for now all I tell people is my name is Lilyth, anything after that they can figure out for themselves.

After all the tragedy you need to make sure you care for yourself. I dont know why you wouldnt want to go out there and enjoy it, do what you love you deserve to be bloody happy. Even if you enjoy punishing yourself and living like a tramp.

I’m not normally as OCD but I’ve decided to start developing rules I keep by and maybe it is just a phase for now but it makes me smile.

1. Make some bloody effort

( make up, clean your hair, force yourself to get in the fucking shower your not a year 5 pupil anymore and the water supply isn’t cut off from hot water so bloody sort yourself out.)

2. Smile

(Even if it kills you)

3. Act like you are dumber than you think

(By this I mean dont jump ahead stop putting your arm up in lectures your only making yourself harder to approach. Noone likes a teachers pet ever. Even if it’s easier to relate to older people especially lecturers. Even if you are older now, classed as a mature student and watched your fellow friends leave and graduate twice )

That’s right I’ve seen two graduate years leave, walk out. Go off enjoy thier lovely lives as a new graduate, soaking up the debt and driving in cars thier daddy’s bought them.

Fun.

Yours

Lilyth

I was anxious – part 2

It was Tuesday and you’d gone back to work, you couldn’t believe how quick the weekend had gone. Like me you’d had a pretty slow and fucking boring year. Probably like me, looking into the fridge and searching the cupboards thinking ‘Fuck, I can’t be bothered to make another meal for just myself’, and again like me for 6 month grueling with no internet searching the insides of your brain thinking about what to do, walking around in your boxers scratching your bollocks eating leftover burger cheese slices from your birthday bag, wait, I haven’t got to your birthday, yet.

I don’t know why you got embarrassed I do precisly the same, I randomly eat cheese strings since the re-introdution from my close friends kids, I forgot cheese strings even existed. I mean I know I can’t scratch any balls, but if I could I totally would.

If you wasn’t then i’m sorry for the comparisons, and anyway don’t be embarrassed no one even knows who you are or who the hell im talking about. You don’t even know who you are because your not even reading this, and if you do read this and it upsets you then I am really sorry, but you knew I was a writer and you shouldn’t fall in love with writers, right?

That’s if that even happend, and also how would I even know anything, I know nothing. I know that your pissed off, and hate my writings so I may as well just carry on with the story for the benefit of the people who are still here, and who enjoy my writing.

It just seemed like to me that we had way too much in common, in a really great freaky friday way.

The date went down well and that’s all that people wanted to hear, I told my friend that I was really starting to like you, I told my other friend that I was really fucking unsure and scared mainly because I knew that if I developed emotions further, I knew I would be ripped in half to lose you.

Equally I wanted to spend my free time with you, and with them, even though things where changing for them too which meant free time doesn’t and wasn’t really happening much for anyone.

Perhaps it was wrong of me to speak to them before you, but I was just too worried and for that I’m sorry.

You knew I was a writer so you can’t look at me and expect this not to happen, I can’t spend another 5 years guessing the fuck out of my mistakes and wondering why. But I can write on a wordpress blog with barely any viewers and get it off my chest.

Literally I have been having crushing chest pains since I woke up, I’m hoping it will just pass I think that my iron tablets giving me stomach pains.

You was deflated that it was Tuesday but it was soon to be your birthday in a couple of weeks and that’s all that mattered. I recognised it was a tough month and I respected that for you because I cared about you. I’m not going to share that with anyone because I actually really do respect you.

Didn’t let that get us down we carried on with the week and it was great.

The second date came around and we went to go see a film, it was fun and I really enjoyed it. I was really anxious when we was there because I know what people say about dates at the cinema, snogging and touchy feeling, I felt like a big kid a teenager. Daft and silly.

I was all ready to get cosy and really bringing the courage up to kiss you this time, but you got up out your seat and went off to buy coffee. I’m an anxious person ok. I notice that most people probably won’t care if their first kiss with someone was snotty or smelly or something but I wanted this to be nice and I wanted you to think it was nice. You didn’t know this you probably just thought I was being freakishly shy or something.

It was a long film, fun, we had another evening together. Took me home and I just remember us talking about the film and having a cup of tea, you was stood in the garden just about to have a cig, and then you looked at me and gave me a really big hug.

Things where amazing perfect, and things started to go so quick

I lose track of time and some of my memory gets jumbled like I’ve been hit across the head at this point.

I look at you and I’m stood on the step of the back door half on half off wobbling.

You say you need to tell me something and we wasn’t drinking or drunk at this point so I was a little bit worried, I’d already thought about this the last time you said you needed to tell me something and I really wanted to hold on just a little longer because my fears, my terrible anxious logic was the quicker things where going, the quicker I was to losing you, I didn’t think 3 months on I’d be thinking the same thing, reflecting on the same thoughts, why am I so surprised if I thought these things before they even happend, did I set myself up to fail?

I know you guys are reading this and thinking what the fuck, but this is inside my brain, overactive overthinking and apparently incapable of receiving and keeping love.

You said it ‘I love you’ you said, you would have said it sooner but didn’t want to or wasn’t sure and I was shocked and anxious and crazy out my mind happy.

I was anxious

I was really anxious, scared. I hadn’t made effort like this in years . I hadn’t ever been on a date ever, not a one to one, face to face, you sit in front of me and I sit in front of you.

It was very personal, and it was hard to make eye contact. I’d never been to this side of town never been able to afford it, it was as if the world wanted us there that evening. It was quiet, calm beautiful summers night, and if that wasn’t a recipe to fall in love, then I was under the wrong illusion.

Birds flocked off into the evening sunset. Even the church bells rang, perhaps it seemed I was more focused on the surround and not you but that really wasn’t the case. I knew this was me being put on the spot and I knew this moment that I was enjoying so much was about to end as the night went on.

I’d been having writers block, but now I’d fallen back in love with the world, thanks to you.

I watched your hands for the first part tapping on the table pushing the box of cigarettes,not completely to me, but enough to suggest an offer. I felt your eyes on my face but was to shy to look up.

You knew I wasn’t a heavy smoker, or really a smoker but I liked a cig.

We spoke about abandonment the time you went on holiday and was let down by a friend , laughed at how long ago it was because of our ages.

You wanted to move on, I liked the sound of the bells, although I kept telling you it was strange and annoying, I was actually fairly comfortable.

We moved on to another pub nestled in between buildings , private, small , cute , quiet and beautiful. I appreciate architecture and outdoor space, we sat down outside and it was nice. Even if others described it as a dive or something, it didn’t bother me.

You stopped me and you said before passing me my drink, I really need to tell you something. My heart started spinning and I thought I got rid of my anxiety but it slowly started to come back, I thought shit he’s going to say he loves me or something, nah not yet surely, and I’m not thinking that already? Am I?

“You really need to tell me something?”

“I wanted to say it now incase I get drunk and you think I’m just saying it because I’m drunk. You look really beautiful your gorgeous”

Oh my god, I smacked my lips right on your lips and kissed you so hard so you knew how much I liked you.

That’s what I should have done, but I didnt I blushed and said thank you very much and I really appreciate being taken out and spending time with you.

I fucked up didn’t I, I was so anxious for a long time I didn’t even get chance to tell you half the things that was going on.

See I may have never been on a date before, but I’d been round plenty of men, boys , dickheads, users, bastards to know when people pull a stunt. You wasn’t pulling a stunt you was being normal, friendly, a gentleman.

This time I wanted something real, meaningful and you was just, I mean I know no ones perfect but a least those moments made it feel as though it was meant to be.

So we was in the pub and we got talking but not much to each other to the girls sat opposite to us, they was tourists, drunk friendly people.

Drank up, pissed about in the street looking for the worlds smallest window and got a taxi back.

I remember punching myself because I still hadn’t kissed you but congratulating myself on having the courage to make it out the front door.

Now both actions I replay in my head 3 months on, did I? Should I? To most of you it’s easy to say get over it , stop going on, stop bringing it up, stop moaning. If you have a friend who suffers or has suffered with anxiety to the extent that I can it really doesn’t help even if you don’t mean to.

I can’t, it happend and I will discuss it because it happend and it happend to me and it was important.

I felt emotions I hadn’t felt since forever, and I mean the good ones.

I was seeing blue in the sky even when there was impetuous rain, I opening mail and dealing with it. I was wearing makeup and enjoying wearing makeup, I was scared, terrified. But on top of the world.

I’m still scared and terrified but at least then it was a nice scared and terrified feeling, now it’s the real deal.

Because the world dealt me a different card really quickly, and the last time I felt this low, I was 21 years old signing my grandad DNR papers with noone else in the room, no one else to lean on and no one else to ask for an opinion.

I was 17 sat in a hostel on a sofa bed on the floor being told to write a letter on the back of recycled paper, to the man who had been abusing me for 2 years telling him why I left.

I was in the playground stood on my own, surrounded by faces I knew (but ignored me) being told on my mobile that my step mum was diagnosed with cancer again, year later she passed away.

I was on the front door step of my home at 16 trying to get back in but the doors had been changed.

I was the 10 year old girl sat on the bedroom floor crying in the corner holding on to a teddy I called ‘dig dog’.

I’m an observer, a listener, I’m quiet, never let on what I’m thinking. Not always. Told to shut up and put up and to not talk about my feelings. But now I am, and that’s pretty fucking powerful.

You said goodbye it was an amazing evening and couldn’t wait to see you next.

Letters you’ll never see 28th October 2019

Dear,

Theres no point writing your name because I know now for sure. I mean if I wrote your name it would surely just cause problems and people wouldnt understand.

I’ve decided that maybe it is time again to resubmit back into the lettersyoullneversee.

I started writing letters and poems in 2015, after almost 5 years of text messaging and ‘accidental bumps’ I had noone to talk to noone to confess to, my only and close friend was connected to me via a simple hello every month or so in the format of text messages. Followed by a brief update of how life was going.

It’s horrible now that’s come to a vast end. I never intend to cause any upset, I tend to often feel in the way of people and what’s happening. I tend to almost feel as if in living in a double life.

I remember when I was a primary school student and I was having a talk with my counsellor after school, my dad made space in the middle room for me to talk to them. I hated them I hated that they pestered me stopped me going off and playing, being a normal kid, evidently I wasnt a normal kid or my dad would have never gone to the lengths of paying for someone to talk to me. Didnt work.

I told her about this double life I felt I had , one with my mum one with my dad, separate, different hard to adjust.

I was told that was an incorrect. But I think as a child there was no really wrong or right way to think.

I realise I may have been selfish, you my have seen me as needy and now yet again I’ve lost someone who I truely connected with. No amount of pitty partying will change anything now and no amount of letters will correct anything.

But maybe these letters are not only to you but to myself, letters I wish I read time before now.

Sincerely,

Lilyth Rebecca Ophilea Coglan

P.s

I hate telling the DWP my whole name when I have to go through security. It feels degrading.

7 weeks, every Monday, you counted it along with me.

I take a look at myself now,

As I sit in the bath,

Drinking some cheap shitty wine from Aldi,

Didn’t want to waste a dime on lonely average alcohol binging nights, they don’t happen often,

Beautiful South sits along with me,

Singing heartfelt songs about relationships and reality,

Not long ago you spent the weekends with me,

Maybe not every but it was something,

I’ve wasted my chances,

Even a hello now is simple ghost,

But when I left your shop you scanned my face,

You asked me what plans I had in place,

I haven’t even seen one mate.

It’s not that I don’t want to feel OK,

It’s just its not OK what’s been happening,

But you seem so happy.

And I guess that’s all I need to know,

So long as it’s OK for you,

It will be for me too.

I’m fucking joking by the way,

Here it is babe,

12 weeks and 6 days,

Finger poke the nose and stroke the dimples on my face,

I’m stressing out,

Days,

You counted along with me.

Proof

Keep on clawing at the skin,

Keep on going back and picking,

Picking.

Crows don’t care about the mud,

They stand in the puddles,

Feet surrounded by water,

They’re pretty neat and clever little creatures,

Dance along to sorror songs,

Life’s strange like that,

It would have been nice,

I went back to the scene just so you know,

I have proof,

I’d of been your bandage,

Umbrella,

I’m great at managing a good fucking disaster,

Plaster,

House trained, brighten up your day,

There was no expire,

I have proof,

Extra length extra depths extra breaths,

I’d of gone the whole mile ahead,

With you, its home.

I’d of made sure you was safe,

Kept out of your space when you needed space,

I’d of learnt the boundaries and been delicate,

I would

But

 

Flowers

I walked back home,

And it was cold that afternoon,

Been raining since the AM,

Couldn’t really afford a cab,

Your driving around was really handy, 

But you know its been kind of hard since you left, see,

To see you standing there,

Before you vanished like a puff of air,

Your face all graced with love and care,

Feeling your warmth grow closer,

That was something I never thought I’d see,

My work might as well be dumped in the bin,

Because all I do is keep on struggling,

I accepted that you will,

Continue to treat me like I was never there.

And I try to continue like nothing happend.

Oh a world where you learn to be adult,

Making habits of being fucked,

And accepting pain when it all fucks up.