I was anxious- part 25 – I gave you back your clothes.

It was Thursday and you was at work. I was in town going to primark, on my own. I was wearing my yellow coat, hair pinned, makeup on. I wasn’t going to let what brought me down stop me taking care of myself.

Plus if you see me looking fine then it’s all fine.

You had been avoiding me and you vanished.

You left some clothes at mine I offered to help clean and dry because you dont have a working washing machine.

You didn’t bother to collect them.

Pretty sloppy really.

You was like oh right “hi” and “thankyou” you then followed me out of the door and said “so, you got any plans then” you nearly got me teared up I mean you fucking vanished POOF and then your asking me if I had plans.

“No. Not really.”

“You not seeing your friend”

“No not heard off them”

“Oh right”

“Not got uni?”

I just said I was going and said bye, you was stood leaning on the door. It was like some stupidly soppy romance film that had gone terribly wrong.

It was a haunting moment. You actually looked sad.

The next week I realised you left your charger. I mean you said it’s fine keep it but I really didn’t want any pieces of you left behind. How is it fair that I have to live with reminders but you can go about your daily life not giving a shit.

I went through town after counselling to return it.

I was stood for a little bit and I sort of thought you knew I was there but ignored me.

I said I will leave it on the till then.

You just said ‘ok thanks then Lil’ and sat back down. You had grown a massive beard.

I haven’t been back since haven’t even walked in that area. The thought of it makes me want to be sick.

You had a carseat and I said I was in no rush. Since what fecking use of it is to me when I have no car.

I said leave it at our friends I will get it at some point. It ended up with a friend of a friend. I actually thought you’d bring it back after the party.

You was in a rush you wanted me out as much as I wanted you out. Maybe?

Party.

It was it was our friends birthday party and I said I wasn’t sure at first if I should go but you said it would be ok maybe awkward at first.

I wasnt planning on staying long I had a gift and needed to drop it off.

Then I realised a whole conversation was happening without me behind closed doors.

That was low.

So, I wasn’t allowed to go to the party in the end.

& that was that, everything had been returned to where it should have been at least in smaller areas.

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I was anxious – part 24 – the end

You’ll be glad to read that I’m almost at the end of the I was anxious series.

With me you have seen my vision of what I thought was a truely great blossoming relationship turn into nothing.

People are amazing actors, and its cruel for some of us who believe there is kindness in many and most to learn that is not always the truth.

Like I said before because of the situation and circumstance it would have been nice to hear your story, your opinion, you haven’t said a word.

At the very worst even civil friendship for the sake of the friendship group we had formed.

But whatever.

Your loss. Right?

My conscious is clear I apologised to you,I tried to reach out and speak about stuff and you ignored me.

I was anxious-Part 23- theres always rain after a storm.

For the best part things seemed to be bubbling over for me mentally.

In reflection Summer greated us with tremendous thunder storms. I remember you texting me one evening when you went round the corner to play warhammer games with a friend.

The lightening was so bright and the thunder was a beautiful drumming sound echoing throughout the night.

Perhaps there where no faults lying anywhere, perhaps this was a huge mistake and you wished you hadn’t have met me.

There are so many things I wont ever know, things I wont understand and probably more incidents like this to come.

I told you I sensed rain fall, I bought a new coat incase.

Then 1 month of rain in 24 hours fell, leading to flooding in Doncaster and Wales.

I met you, greated you with a rainbow, stunning summer ray’s, then a storm and now the rain.

I have to deal with things, I’m not sure how long it will take for me to repair things caused by excessive rainfall, such as the tears and hurt and upset.

As for the people coping with the actual flooding I really do hope the rain stops.

Too much rain on both terms is bad for anyone.

I’ve been so low, I have been bed bound with tonsillitis and fever 3 nights. 3rd outbreak this year.

There is no chance hearing from you, and I suppose that’s fine. I feel so much better being able to talk to someone the readers, and comments from them. People are kind in unfamiliar ways.

Maybe this wasn’t a summer love story like most people like and hope. But yet another challenge for my mental health and self esteem to overcome.

I was anxious part 22 Spiders night club.

It was Sunday and I was about to wake up and recover from a pretty heavy hangover.

I hadn’t stayed out at anyones house since I was 19.

I wasn’t about to make a habit either, I couldn’t tell if you was embarrassed that I stayed or just drunk. This is the part where things seemed ok but got a bit awkward.

We was sat in the night club and I was on your knee with your arms wrapped around me. Beams of lights flashed all around, up and down, side to side. Music played and people spoke really loud.

You was patient with me, you knew I was far too upset to talk. You brushed my tears aside and said ‘oh Lil’ and said that it was upsetting to see me so upset. You didn’t get impatient with me and shout. I honestly thought you loved me cared about me.

I felt like the devil had grabbed my ankles, swung me backwards and dragged me under.

I couldn’t contain my emotions. With you, I felt safe. Constant worry was taking over, the dreaded what ifs and the thoughts I had before I met you was still haunting me.

I remember when I was at college sitting in front of my counsellor , we was speaking about alcohol, as a mood intensifier and revealer. That night the mask had fallen and everyone saw me as a state.

You may have passed it off as being drunk but this is how I felt on a regular basis this was the me you didn’t learn to understand or want to know.

We walked over to the bar and got some water, then went outside into the smokers area where we met another of your friends. He was quite drunk, loud, rude. Come Monday you even agreed with me what he said was a bit much but you never followed it up.

He was saying “Lilly has big titties and likes lots of willy’s” I just thought it was a strange thing to say to someones new girlfriend.

We had a look for your friends that was staying over and you said that I was ok if I stayed as I really wasn’t feeling very well and I didn’t want to go back home on my own.

You handed my some Star Wars pjs insisted I put them on I took the offer on the top but the bottoms where double of my legs. It was cute and strange, most men would have wanted me to strip off would have tried something on but you was different. You respected me and it was a great deal to get used to. I remember drifting off shortly after that listening to people in the living room talk.

Come morning you offered to make people a cup of tea but it had seemed that the milk in the fridge had gone off.

Your friend took me home, asked if I wanted to sit on a carseat first and then dropped off. Another dig at my age and height.

That was the end of the night.

I was anxious- Part 3-Part 5-Part 22- Spiders Nightclub.

You was different.

You held me really tight you let me cry and didnt judge me you waited until my storm had passed, we went to a corner of the nightclub that wasn’t as busy you had your arms around me and you sat me down next to you and held me.

Since you left, I’ve been in that storm for so long rocking along up and down in a boat.

You might think that saying this doesn’t change anything.

Your right, but this is all part of the story and this is all important because you showed me that a man is capable of being understanding.

That maybe I am capable of being loved and cared for.

… tbc

Monday 11th November 2019

I was anxious-part 21- I had something to tell you

You called me your ex’s name:

There was something wrong.

Very wrong.

I tried a few times to bring it up.

I thought you’d be the one to help me.

How stupid, I am so stupid. I shouldn’t have ever let you in.

Perhaps there was no talking because when you called me your ex’s name I got straight into the shower and cried.

Embarrassing ?

I am not ashamed to share, I am not ashamed to show two halves of the story.

Perhaps I was overreacting.

Except, I needed more sympathy the night before. With feeling unwell.

You didn’t know this because I never told you.

I helped you out when you was unwell, I understood it maybe it was because it was physical symptoms, cold flu, man flu, people can see it, understand it more.

The night before

I didn’t feel like eating and you was really hungry, you felt like you put your time in there was nothing you was doing right at all.

Perhaps, it felt you was stuck in a limbo situation, and I wasn’t reacting the way you thought I should be reacting.

You could have just called a pizza and made me laugh cheered me up. I guess I felt unwell and all I could think was soup. Sleep.

You didn’t factor in the sleepless nights overwhelming crying from children that made me even more anxious.

I know, I hate soup so boring right?

There was that time we was walking towards wings and I had the perfect opportunity to tell you then but it was supposed to be a fun night for you and I didn’t want to ruin another night.

I didn’t want to take off or anything or vanish. It killed me that I walked away.

I was running out of time and I knew it.

You was supposed to stay out late and be with them, you showed up earlier than planned.

I could have told you then.

Maybe I was planting seeds but I never wanted them to grow.

The spiders evening I could have told you then but I just cried and cried.

The time we stood in the hall way, the time I walked over to the house, the time I went into your work, the time I broke down at my friends house and you walked me back.

Now it’s too late.

I was anxious – part 20- The first time we met

It was a summers evening this year, my best friend knew how down I had been and she had been amazing support, incredible.

It felt like ‘a need’ to fall in love and be around people who are kind, positive, full of enlightenment and desire. We was sick of men pulling the wool over our eyes, treating us like daft cows.

We are strong women we’ve been through different things but could relate.

I suggested maybe a double date or something if anyone knew anyone who was single. Just wanted to have fun and relax. I had been through a really awful time. I wasn’t looking for sex or hook ups, I really just wanted to meet people and be around friends.

Luckily, my friends knew someone and they knew them well and said I shouldn’t worry because you was really kind and nice person and would never hurt anyone.

There was a day planned and organised for drinks at your place. I was anxious because I was moving home and I didn’t want to get drunk and hungover. I had no baby sitters able to help out and the ones who could, could only help for a couple of hours.

Not really a long time when you want to get to know people.

You opened the door and greeted us in, I didnt make too much effort with dressing up or anything, I couldn’t as all my clothes where in boxes and being moved.

I regretted not putting my heels on because you was pretty tall and I’m like a midget next to almost every adult and even 8 year old children are catching up with my height.

People laugh about this but it kind of gets a bit boring after years and years.

It was small, and I wont lie it looked lonely. Perhaps adjustments have been made since you cut me off, I guess I won’t really know and I guess I won’t really care.

Eventually.

You poured us all a drink in a mug, as you didnt have glasses. I remember you saying you dont get people round much and needed glasses, you was apologising but we really didn’t mind.

This was exciting and exciting for you.

Everyone deserves to have friends and people around them that care about them and visits them.

I told you alot about myself we spoke a lot about politics, little things and fairly serious stuff. It was nice, you listened to me you wasn’t shouting at me, calling me names, threatening me or abusing me.

The night was short and you guys went off to spider’s. We walked towards the nightclub you gave me your hoodie, and slipped a tenner into my hand for a taxi home.

You wanted to make sure I got back safe. Mentally I felt safer being out and with you guys. Going back was just a duty a responsibility, my heart wanted to stay. Stress.

My friend said that you didn’t stay out long because you told them you had already met someone that night and was no need to go into the night club looking for someone.

You then told me for months that you was so happy that I turned up that evening, after I told you I was close to not turning up because I was anxious.

You also kept saying you owed your friend drinks for life, because he introduced me to you and you hadn’t felt as happy as you did in a very long time.

You occasionally reminded me of that night and that you was is disbelief.

Perhaps I should have noticed sooner, remember me mentioning the too good to be true saying?

Now, all I have a deafening silencing ringin in my ears, and a stone in the pit of my stomach grinding up against my skin.

I feel like I’ve been in a car that was speeding but all the time it was going slow, and then suddenly smacks straight into a tree.

I’m sore, hurt, but on the inside.

On the outside, I look amazing.

I was anxious- part 18-evicted

My heads scatty, my brain hurts. Some days I struggle waking up today was one of those days. 

My wellbeing advisor tells me to go away and organise myself, but things keep getting in the way.

I am so thankful for the true friends, I have around me and I am thankful for being a mum. I am blessed, I am fortunate, I have a roof over my head and sometimes that is always scary. I don’t know how long it will be like that.

This time last year I was evicted, randomly, no notice nothing, came out of nowhere and I have told so many of you this story, it affected me and my family a huge deal.

We wasn’t bad tenants, we didn’t do anything honest to god. Most people assume you can only be evicted if you’ve shit up the walls or not paid the rent.

It was my daughters 8th birthday and I had been out of hospital for 4 weeks. I had an 8 week old baby and the tosser turned up out of nowhere, by contract he had to. He stormed in went under the stairs and said that he needs to make sure a live wire in the garden is turned off. Oh boy, I was mad, I didn’t even shout, I said you need to get an electrician and I want it off, I can’t believe it.

We had been in the house precisely 6 months, the children had been in the garden with this said wire. We had a lot of trouble problems and as a family we deserved time to heal and overcome the trumas we had just gone through. Funnily enough our tenancy was rolling the next day. The landlord left and said nothing, then returned again without notice an hour later.

TRUST ME you could not make this story up and even to this day I wish I went to his work and threw eggs at his window, but a petty revenge conviction is not worth it. I am ok to think it an enjoy the thought though, right?

So he returned and got the live wire disconnected, he had made a huge error. He put us at risk he violated the contract, we would have had grounds to sue, but I opened my big gob and told him to sort it. However I would rather that then let the kids continue to play in the garden, except we wasn’t going to have a garden for much longer.

The next day he posted and eviction notice with a receipt stapled from 2012 of some paint.

Basically threatening us to paint the whole house which was cream or he would take money from our deposit.

So not only was he making us homeless, he was forcing us to paint when it didn’t even need painting to be honest.

Baby, surgery, birthday, evicted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

hey beautiful how are you?

I open my eyes and I see your eyes.

Blue, velvet. I fucking love you, the windows open and the curtains are swaying in the breeze. It couldn’t be any better laying with you, there’s trees outside the window, there’s a planet we can fall in love with. But we don’t need that because we can just lay here and be in the moment, beautiful.

You maybe an adult with age but you are a child at heart and it breaks me in half, that I can’t rescue you from yourself. You can blame others for all the issues in your life but it won’t help you.

You lay there and close your eyes again, they shut slowly and you say no words, I push my hand through your hair, naked I walk out of the bed and towards the shower. I wasn’t calling you over but you came along anyway. I love holding you it feels like we are somewhere else we are safe we are away from the problems.

Problems.

We had no problems.

I was carrying your baby, and you was so excited, I wasn’t so much so at that point. You was talking to me about how amazing it was going to be, we hadn’t been planing. I had been grieving so hard. I had been drinking so much, leaving uni at 3am in the dark. With no one to be with, hours of writing. Because of the funeral, I had to take resits.

I had to walk past the reminder every evening, would it of fucking hurt to say sorry?

We fucking worked that bedroom the neighbour’s where probably pissed by now, sat in their blow up paddling pools, smoking weed.

Why do people do that?

The people across the way have had a broken fridge outside the front for months, and now they’ve added a broken bbq. Do they not know that there is a skip about 4 miles from here?

Why do people do that?

Problems we had no problems.

The hospital called they said that there was a decline in my hormones, all them aches and pains wasn’t imagined.

I grabbed the hammer and smashed the phone to pieces.

There’s so much blood, is there supposed to be this much?

I keep climbing in the bath is that supposed to make it go?

How long am I supposed to sit here.

If I hear another ‘are you ok?’, I will fucking scream. Hearing you talk about how it happends to 1 in 4 women is not making the situation any easier. Being ok in a couple of months, theres always time, is not what is on my mind.

I needed a friend. I needed a family member, I needed someone.

I lay there, you talk to me and I have no words to say, I just stare at the window with the curtains swaying, not as beautiful as they was in the morning.

I blame the house, I blame myself, my stupid body.

Problems, we had none.

You was anxious-part 15- one of those things

The thing is, things seem to happen to people and they just keep on happening.

It’s not your fault. It’s not karma sometimes theres just no explanation, it’s one of those things.

Mostly.

It’s harder when people cut your off stop communicating. When things happen that no one could foresee.

I really wish I could write about dragons and flying unicorns.

But it’s not like that.

The world is real and the world doesn’t give a fuck about you. The longer you ignore things the worse things become. No one taught me this I learnt this, I’ve seen it.

I’ve seen peoples relationships become destroyed because of peoples selfish behaviours.

You don’t have to change just be more mindful of people around you. Thats what my counsellor says.

She was so shocked and confused when I told her what happend. As was I. I’m looking forward to seeing her after 5 long weeks.

We sit, we talk, we figure things out. Something we was supposed to be doing.

It’s odd that it was ok for you to be seen clingy, but if I behave that way im crazy. There is no #mushmush on the end of my messages. If I was being romantic, it was just too much to take.

You was anxious too.

You had a choice, fight or flight.

I was anxious- Part 14-Just a kiss

I was getting really anxious, we had been talking for a few weeks. We sat together in the living room, I was nervous. I knew it was coming but I couldn’t get my head around it.

I could smell you, feel you, you was a real person.

We flicked through the TV nothing really worth watching and we both both didn’t really want to watch TV anyway.

Not an illusion.

You had feelings, you was feeling, talking, a moving person.

I’d become so accustom to internet interaction.

Faceless conversations, angry outburst, head fucks.

You was you and I was I and there was no one judging us, it was a moment of complete silence, a symphony.

Our collaboration, delicate, ceramic, porcelain.

I was anxious.

Heart palpitating, hands slippery, eyes facing anything but you.

I was scared but also happy.

Trying to tell myself it’s ok, you can trust him.

You can be yourself.

He didn’t take the beard thing too personally I mean, I told him I wasn’t a huge fan, this was not me telling him to shave, or maybe it was, other people have agreed with me they aren’t massive fan on beard snogging. I didn’t want to change him if that was him then that was him.

I mean no one was about to do anything crazy.

When I swung open the door after hearing a little tap on frame.

The beard was, gone.

You may think I didnt notice body language very well for all this time.

Oh boy, I knew.

So, it’s ok.

He was smiling, smirking his little face shined, eyes wide.

Returning to the sofa, I saw his face in the corner of my eyes…

I was anxious-Part 13- I don’t hate Mondays

It’s a typical rainy cold Monday in November. The roads are manic and the streets are full of students, mothers with prams and rain covers, shopping bags attached to prams bashing and bumping about. The homeless man on the corner of Newland sat with bin bags protecting him from the rain.

The bus was really hectic today people coughing and spluttering and they where wiping there hands all over the handles of the chairs, damn it, would someone please attach hand sanitation to this place?

The last thing I want is to catch another bug or illness, I am now playing catch up at uni and its really stressful.

Last month they gave me morphine at hospital for stomach upset, you wouldn’t know because you wasn’t there, my god I wish someone I knew was there with me. I was in a very terrible pity party situation. So much had been happening in such a short space of time. It was really hard to catch my breath, the panic attacks where back again.

That was my breaking point, that was my fall, I was so close to just begging them to take me in. I wasn’t coping I wasn’t myself. And my stomach was huting so much it reminded me of the surgery the urgency I was in back then.

My puke was bright blue from the scan they did to check my organs. Thankfully it wasn’t an ectopic pregnancy, or twisted ovary like they suspected. He said he was sure, he thought, he said, it was 50/50, could be my appendix or my ovary.

They where wrong.

It was nothing and i’m fine.

Thankfully.

Doesn’t explain the pain though.

I am so thankful that my best friend that I actually met via the internet on Instagram was on the other end of the internet that evening. She sent her friend to come and sit with me and that was amazing, at last I wasn’t alone I had someone to talk to, and that we did. We spoke about so many things, whilst I waited 7 hours in the corridor double bent over or sat in the wheel chair.

There was a couple. They was really kind to me amazing. Strange but they was lovely. They had a busy, and different kind of life to the norm. Or maybe it was the norm and mine was just significantly different.

They came into A and E because he was walking down to his local offie (off-licence) then he had a huge cough and WHAM he was in so much pain down his right side he was struggling to move. He was in agony. I mean they did talk a lot about wanting to get home and have a spliff and a drink which was a little awkward. They have family that own a fair ground ride at Hull Fair and he let his kids go on and his kids friends on for free.

They really made my evening, and you wasn’t there. It was just another example of how I could survive without you.

I started to feel this way when I left home.

Similar but different.

I remember when I was able to boil pasta and cook something other than a pot noodle and beans on toast at 16. I taught myself and that was really pretty lonely to be honest. I defiantly want to add that to my mothering skills. 1. Make sure I teach the children how to cook.
I had been crying for so long I got myself in such a state, no friends where around to help no one was able to see me for whatever reasons. Maybe I make it hard for people to see me and communicate, maybe I don’t even know that I do this.

Just promise me you wont return anytime soon because I am starting to enjoy life without you. Even though you have destroyed what confidence I built up with my girlfriends over the summer, I am actually quite enjoying looking at people and thinking about them. What did they get up to this morning? was they squashed between an old man and a pram and some shopping bags, or where they sat in a comfy white car with you that smelt of stale piss.

I think I had actually made a friend at University, at last. But I better not let them get too close, or they will find out how much of an anxious freak I am.

My life is changing and adapting and almost better than it was. There is just this one thing.

A cycle of something I really don’t want to be in.

But for now, I don’t hate Mondays.