Shower song

OK so I thought of this yesterday morning whilst having a shower. I was reading the bottles and I wanted to play with the words that manufactures use to sell their products. This is just a silly poem.

Shower song

Like shampoo

I will leave you succulent and full of sense

Fresh and revived

Free and alive.

 

Like conditioner

I will repair and protect

Leave no hidden suspect

A sensation you’ll never forget

and better yet, tear free.

 

Like shower cream

I will be like your wet dream

make your body gleam

my cost is two for one

so when I’m gone

you’ll have another to move on.

 

 

 

 

 

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Daddy I’m sick

Daddy I’m sick

I cry every school night

Kids at school laugh

Talk about it sometimes

I stare at the sharpener

They said kids do it too

They’ve been talking about how to do it

Kids can be cruel

Daddy I’m sick

And you have duty of care

I know you know I’m suffering

I feel like your not there

I stare at the sharpener

It looks back at me too

Daddy I’m sick

Don’t make me go to school

The kids they all laugh

The teachers do to

Daddy I’m sick

And I cant put myself through

Daddy I’m sick

Daddy I’m sick

Daddy I’m sick

Where are you?

Your angry

So

Write with me

Fighting

Don’t stop writing,

Let words give you courage to keep on,

Fighting.

Let flames go on their own,

Without you smouldering them….

Let the damage burn,

Don’t touch.

Let them cool whilst you recover them,

Don’t stop writing,

For it is your freedom to feel whatever you wish,

Without the judgement of harsh characters,

In your bitter sweet reality.

Don’t stop writing.

 

You was anxious- Part 17- you said it was romantic to wait…

I needed you. Like, really needed you. Wanted you.

I really didn’t want to write this part and I am so sorry. Your going to hate me, but you already hate me, there are so many people that already hate me.

I feel there is nothing to lose, this is my story and if I don’t share it I will carry on hurting myself inside.

Maybe it’s not even interesting maybe is not worth being written.

I have to get this out the way, its stopping me carry on.

I thought it was me for so long, I bought new underwear, I put makeup on, I wore nail varnish. I smelt good. I got my hair coloured.

Clothes, I bought new, I took control of my new body, shaved it, showered it, loved it.

But for some reason that wasn’t enough. Why wasn’t you attracted to me, why didn’t you want me? What did I do wrong?

You said it was romantic to wait.

But I later learnt that wasn’t the reason why.

We was having a cup of tea and then you sent me a text saying you really had to tell me something.

I got freaked out. Really freaked out. I asked you why you couldn’t just talk to me in person when you was in the same room as me.

There where holes starting to form in this new shiny relationship, and I was terrified. We’d been talking almost a month and we told each other most of the important parts.

You looked at me.

Worried.

I had never seen you worried never seen you concerned. You was acting like the ‘thing’ you about to tell me was the be all and end all.

I was dumbfounded that you thought I wouldn’t want to know you after that.

The ‘thing’ you told me, didn’t bother me.

What have I done?

I was depressed-Part 16- Bulb

Bulb hangs from ceiling, cars swish in the puddles passing by the house. Bulb thin shadow then wide, dull light sits on the bed from whatever sun we have left now, bottom sheet due a change, there’s no one other than me that lays so it’s ok.

I watched this video on Facebook about meditation by Russell Brand. I remember laughing at it with you next to me and saying he should have stuck to his job as a comedian.

Bulb, off. Bulb swirly pattern at the end no shade around it, it’s bare cord just seems to have the bulb fitted in tightly at the end.

Bulb, wait I can’t see it, your body is on top of me.

Move out of the way so I can see. Eyes mimic nose points, body parts we take for granted we have to look at these parts of people everyday.

Move out of the way I’m trying to look at the bulb.

Bulb white, dusty cobwebs, flashbacks like holograms. Your body is on top of me. What do you want now for goodness sake I am trying to focus.

Bulb holes in the bottom then scope up inside it. I’m paranoid I know I hear what your saying but what if that’s just a voice in my head, what if your just in my imagination.

Your body thrust me up and down I stare at the bulb it’s waiting it wants to be turned on.

I curl into a ball, small, safe, warm away from November rain.

Child you don’t need to be worried, because you was right.

All them days crying about losing people and being told it’s going to be ok. Told over and over that I never have to do anything that I don’t want to do, I can say ‘no’ if I want to.

Was bullshit.

hey beautiful how are you?

I open my eyes and I see your eyes.

Blue, velvet. I fucking love you, the windows open and the curtains are swaying in the breeze. It couldn’t be any better laying with you, there’s trees outside the window, there’s a planet we can fall in love with. But we don’t need that because we can just lay here and be in the moment, beautiful.

You maybe an adult with age but you are a child at heart and it breaks me in half, that I can’t rescue you from yourself. You can blame others for all the issues in your life but it won’t help you.

You lay there and close your eyes again, they shut slowly and you say no words, I push my hand through your hair, naked I walk out of the bed and towards the shower. I wasn’t calling you over but you came along anyway. I love holding you it feels like we are somewhere else we are safe we are away from the problems.

Problems.

We had no problems.

I was carrying your baby, and you was so excited, I wasn’t so much so at that point. You was talking to me about how amazing it was going to be, we hadn’t been planing. I had been grieving so hard. I had been drinking so much, leaving uni at 3am in the dark. With no one to be with, hours of writing. Because of the funeral, I had to take resits.

I had to walk past the reminder every evening, would it of fucking hurt to say sorry?

We fucking worked that bedroom the neighbour’s where probably pissed by now, sat in their blow up paddling pools, smoking weed.

Why do people do that?

The people across the way have had a broken fridge outside the front for months, and now they’ve added a broken bbq. Do they not know that there is a skip about 4 miles from here?

Why do people do that?

Problems we had no problems.

The hospital called they said that there was a decline in my hormones, all them aches and pains wasn’t imagined.

I grabbed the hammer and smashed the phone to pieces.

There’s so much blood, is there supposed to be this much?

I keep climbing in the bath is that supposed to make it go?

How long am I supposed to sit here.

If I hear another ‘are you ok?’, I will fucking scream. Hearing you talk about how it happends to 1 in 4 women is not making the situation any easier. Being ok in a couple of months, theres always time, is not what is on my mind.

I needed a friend. I needed a family member, I needed someone.

I lay there, you talk to me and I have no words to say, I just stare at the window with the curtains swaying, not as beautiful as they was in the morning.

I blame the house, I blame myself, my stupid body.

Problems, we had none.

Things where so beautiful

Things where so beautiful,

Our hair a silky shine,

Things just kept on happening,

Happening over time,

I feel this guilty sheet of black,

Darkening my life,

I was so full of energy,

We was looking up, everything was nice,

I turn to see if your still next to me,

But there is no one in my bed,

And I keep on worrying if what I have done, I will regret,

Troubles.

Hunny.

Troubles.

Our relationship can not survive,

Troubles.

Hunny.

Troubles.

We need to put these things behind,

If only I had know,

When my skin was so young and soft,

That we would end up in this mess,

Unable to mend the hurts,

What will it cost?

Our time may nearly be done,

And maybe we should move on,

But it’s starting to trouble me,

Now your really gone.

Troubles.

Hunny.

Troubles.

Can we please turn back the clock?

Troubles.

Hunny.

Troubles.

Maybe we’ve both been lost,

It’s ok to feel like you will always love,

But falling back in is hard,

And being able to bring it back,

When for so long you’ve been on guard,

Our hair was silky shiny,

Our skin softer than a peach,

Troubles keep on coming,

Troubles we work through,

Please grow a solution we can learn to preach,

Troubles, hunny, troubles.

I was anxious – Part 11 – Defence (warning upsetting content)

I was at court that morning to get my little girl home, she was a train journey away from me. I was only 17 and I was going out of my mind, I was losing weight, I couldn’t eat.

Constantly worried about her and what was going on when I wasn’t there. He was only supposed to have her a weekend but he got angry lost control and didn’t return her for a week, didn’t text me to tell me what was happening. I had no choice but to call the police and find out what I could do, this man had been mentally abusing me since I was 15 and attacking me, shoving me, showing me his fist, throughout the whole pregnancy and relationship. It was bad, really bad.

I had no one on my side, my mum didn’t believe me my own father had abandoned me, everyone would say its nothing or think I was making it up. I had one friend when I was pregnant who I don’t talk to now haven’t for 7 years, saw how he was first hand. She was a local hairdresser, it was one of the only places I could go to. I was controlled a great deal and I started to talk about the truths behind closed doors with her, he hated that, I had a friend to slowly confine in and slowly stopped me seeing her too.

I remember when I said I didn’t agree with something and he threatened to put my head through a car window. He said if he even caught me having a cig he would force a full packet down my throat and make me swallow them. I remember him saying one time I needed to be awake when he returned home because he would need sex. There where so many strange remarks and things said but at first never seemed as bad or dangerous.

It wasn’t until 2015 that controlling and coercive behaviour became a new law. Unfortunatly, I was in 2012 and mental abuse in relationships wasn’t really as recognised as it is today.

You never climb into a taxi thinking you will get attacked or mugged, you assume you will be safe. Just the same as you never enter a relationship thinking you will be hurt, and I don’t care what anyone says, mental abuse is extremely damaging.

Not something you can completely erase from your memory.

People assumed because I was young, and had a child, I was stupid. In fact I was the one who seeked a solicitor in the first place to arrange contact arrangements, as I couldn’t cope with doing them on my own without the support and structure. I was studying Law as an A Level and I was learning a huge deal about family law, my teacher happened to be an ex lawyer and would guide me in the right direction if I needed any answers.

My solicitor was sloppy, and the case was terrible. In the end it was the, social services and police that supported me and made sure that things where as safe and normal as possible.

She came back home safe, it was hard to think I let her go. As a mother I have a duty to ensure she is always safe always clean, fed, happy healthy.

Times where hard I was young, college student trying to better my life, yet, the state made it harder for me to do this, and simply designed it in a way where it was difficult to come away from it. There is still little support for parents who study, young people from my experience.

I enjoyed being a single parent at that point, it was fun and although I had the critisims daily and the bad mouthing the horrible comments.

As I have got older it’s just made me think that those people where so bitter and twisted and how sad of a world it is for them, that that’s how they thought and acted.

Judgments from people who had no idea the journey I had gone through or anything at all about me.

I was just automatically brushed as a slut for having her at a young age.

I didn’t think that years and years later I would get these terrible flashbacks, of being pushed onto the mattress on the floor whilst 5 months pregnant.

Pushed and shoved up against walls, if I fell asleep even towards the end of the pregnancy, he would force me awake, he didn’t like me asleep.

There are things I have seen and I have felt and places I have been in situations I have been in I wouldn’t wish my worst enemy to be in.

The further away I got from these bad places I felt as if I had been reborn and given a new life.