No Place

I wrote them but undecided

Shower song

OK so I thought of this yesterday morning whilst having a shower. I was reading the bottles and I wanted to play with the words that manufactures use to sell their products. This is just a silly poem.

Shower song

Like shampoo

I will leave you succulent and full of sense

Fresh and revived

Free and alive.

 

Like conditioner

I will repair and protect

Leave no hidden suspect

A sensation you’ll never forget

and better yet, tear free.

 

Like shower cream

I will be like your wet dream

make your body gleam

my cost is two for one

so when I’m gone

you’ll have another to move on.

 

 

 

 

 

I was anxious – Part 11 – Defence (warning upsetting content)

I was at court that morning to get my little girl home, she was a train journey away from me. I was only 17 and I was going out of my mind, I was losing weight, I couldn’t eat.

Constantly worried about her and what was going on when I wasn’t there. He was only supposed to have her a weekend but he got angry lost control and didn’t return her for a week, didn’t text me to tell me what was happening. I had no choice but to call the police and find out what I could do, this man had been mentally abusing me since I was 15 and attacking me, shoving me, showing me his fist, throughout the whole pregnancy and relationship. It was bad, really bad.

I had no one on my side, my mum didn’t believe me my own father had abandoned me, everyone would say its nothing or think I was making it up. I had one friend when I was pregnant who I don’t talk to now haven’t for 7 years, saw how he was first hand. She was a local hairdresser, it was one of the only places I could go to. I was controlled a great deal and I started to talk about the truths behind closed doors with her, he hated that, I had a friend to slowly confine in and slowly stopped me seeing her too.

I remember when I said I didn’t agree with something and he threatened to put my head through a car window. He said if he even caught me having a cig he would force a full packet down my throat and make me swallow them. I remember him saying one time I needed to be awake when he returned home because he would need sex. There where so many strange remarks and things said but at first never seemed as bad or dangerous.

It wasn’t until 2015 that controlling and coercive behaviour became a new law. Unfortunatly, I was in 2012 and mental abuse in relationships wasn’t really as recognised as it is today.

You never climb into a taxi thinking you will get attacked or mugged, you assume you will be safe. Just the same as you never enter a relationship thinking you will be hurt, and I don’t care what anyone says, mental abuse is extremely damaging.

Not something you can completely erase from your memory.

People assumed because I was young, and had a child, I was stupid. In fact I was the one who seeked a solicitor in the first place to arrange contact arrangements, as I couldn’t cope with doing them on my own without the support and structure. I was studying Law as an A Level and I was learning a huge deal about family law, my teacher happened to be an ex lawyer and would guide me in the right direction if I needed any answers.

My solicitor was sloppy, and the case was terrible. In the end it was the, social services and police that supported me and made sure that things where as safe and normal as possible.

She came back home safe, it was hard to think I let her go. As a mother I have a duty to ensure she is always safe always clean, fed, happy healthy.

Times where hard I was young, college student trying to better my life, yet, the state made it harder for me to do this, and simply designed it in a way where it was difficult to come away from it. There is still little support for parents who study, young people from my experience.

I enjoyed being a single parent at that point, it was fun and although I had the critisims daily and the bad mouthing the horrible comments.

As I have got older it’s just made me think that those people where so bitter and twisted and how sad of a world it is for them, that that’s how they thought and acted.

Judgments from people who had no idea the journey I had gone through or anything at all about me.

I was just automatically brushed as a slut for having her at a young age.

I didn’t think that years and years later I would get these terrible flashbacks, of being pushed onto the mattress on the floor whilst 5 months pregnant.

Pushed and shoved up against walls, if I fell asleep even towards the end of the pregnancy, he would force me awake, he didn’t like me asleep.

There are things I have seen and I have felt and places I have been in situations I have been in I wouldn’t wish my worst enemy to be in.

The further away I got from these bad places I felt as if I had been reborn and given a new life.

I haven’t been honest with myself

Everything’s fucked up,

I mean look at the fucking government!

Who the fuck had the authority,

To call me up and question me,

Why I write poetry ?

Why I write poetry ?

Who the fuck.

I haven’t been honest with myself,

I mean look at the state of my house,

I couldn’t afford draws,

Theres furniture I couldnt afford,

Lived with a mattress on the floor,

Whilst pregnant ,

They called me a whore,

He controlled my every move,

But fuck it I shouldnt have to prove,

They tell me I dont deserve kids,

They tell me I should be dead because of him,

I look around I see,

Homeless , drunk, and disorderly,

People sleeping in bin liners,

Defecating on the streets,

People Raping people behind bins,

Pulling out knives,

People dying in,

The streets they’ve been born and raised in,

I haven’t been honest with myself,

They tell me that I shouldnt have kids,

They tell me I better close my legs,

Like I’ve been giving out myself,

They say I’m a cunt and I’m a slag,

I dont deserve kids,

Hes the one who got up and walked out,

Hes the one who said he wanted to start,

A family.

I’ve haven’t been honest with myself,

Who the hell pushes someone to the edge,

Uses sex as farewell,

This is Hull its starting to get colder,

Please tell me there is more out there,

Before I end it all because I wont care,

Hull daily mail will exploit you,

Surround the hounds to destroy you,

Call you names and down you,

To the ground and drown you,

This is Hull.

Steve

Steve (sorry if anyone’s called Steve)

Steve

your like a pattern on the wall

that I don’t really like

but can’t be bothered

to change

Steve

your the prime example

of a soft centered cream egg

hard on the outside

but melt between the teeth

Steve

you angered me greatly

used my generosity

abused my self simplicity

and took my money…

Steve

my grandad never liked you

you said you didn’t want kids, too,

please give me back my money!

you should know better then to take from strangers…

and Steve your gambling addiction won’t ever go away, I remember you stood in the alcove of the hotel near the station, stopped me from entering, cut the embarrassment, you was embarrassing, and I never really kissed that other man, I just danced and had fun, whilst you used my generosity, abused my self simplicity, im glad weve called it history.

You may never cross me again, and that’s great, but your finger marked imprint took my youthful days away, you can’t say that’s OK.

Steve they warned me, your best friend he toyed with me, and then stole the one friend, I ever had when I went through what I had to, just to please you, because you didn’t want children, and now I see you, running…

Steve

a child lays in your arms,

and a child holds onto your gambling fingers.

Steve

you returned to me again,

and asked me to pay to bail you out.

Steve

I will give you no more favours,

for I did what I did,

because you didn’t want children.

I did.

… and I little tiny piece of me, died,

I sacrificed a whole universe,

destroyed a whole planet,

the stars all in line like a slit wrist,

for you.

… and Steve if anything, you actually taught me that my inner woman is stronger than all lions and tigers combined, and that maybe just maybe, that tiny little imprint you left on my body, was barely a horror from the stories yet to come…

but for now another man provided me the stars the moon and I birthed a son.

What’s wrong with me ?

What’s wrong with me?

You tell me all the things I want to hear

And I want you to want me like you say you do

But I can’t be in love with you?

I can’t find the way to restart this game?

And things just don’t seem to feel the same?

What is wrong with me ?

Your telling me the things I died to hear…

absorb

Absorb : round in circles

 

when we began,

I absorbed into your life,

surround,
we fell in fast,
at a steep pace,
we seemed to find,
a common ground.
your clothes became my new, wardrobe.
hoodies. tops. socks.
I found myself.
tripping up on your shoelaces.
calling you my boyfriend.
I absorbed into you living space,
and melted into you life.
although the mould quite different now,
and when we met,
you like a baby bird,
I took you from your mother’s nest,
accidently…
so you return,
will you mature?
we break away,
but then again,
your faviorite flavours become mine,
and your T. V shows take over my life,
maybe, maybe,
things will work out perfectly,
as we remake the same mistakes,
of absorbing
yet again.

absent

absent father aka delayed defense
you have no right to criticise,
until you’ve pulled a mouth off your breasts
and cried,
one tooth away from bloody milk,
breastfeeding our son until almost 2.
you have no right to prise,
no right to take the mick and call me names,
no right to question my ab il it y,
im a good damn mum its built in me!
hold my grudge, I know, I can.
I don’t have balls but I’m a better man!
you have no right to call me out!
no right to shout so loud,
yeah im wierd but I’m fucking proud!
you’ve got no clue what I’ve been through,
I shouldn’t have to justify myself,
I’ll make it soon to the higher shelf,
with or without your help… you have no right to judge me,
until you’ve been up every single night for the last,
2 years
years,
years,
every cut and graze was you there?

first dates first hate, will you care?

put me down again don’t you dare!

It.

I thought about ‘IT’ today

and I thought about how I’d explain

to my readers what ‘IT’ was

but I really didn’t want to

I thought the best way

would be to create ‘IT’

a catergory

for where it can belong

And stay

for stories of ‘IT’ aren’t too nice

and it should be put away

for it shall forever be

kept out of reach

there will be no

mark

for it on the family tree

It’s not welcome here

I hope I can tell you about it one day

but for now just be glad it’s not right here

because IT came for me

one day it may come for you.

 

she asked me

she asked me

what you did

the first the second and now her

they ask.

I cut you out  and I feel safer that way,

you controlled me at such a young age,

you scared me, with you tempered rage.

it took so long to feel again,

you will never change.

do I tell her? when they ask me?

that you harmed me,

do I tell her?

would she care?

she asked me your history,

full of dusty holes and misery,

a child you lost,

her safety.

from your foul mouth and hurting,

couldn’t you just have cared for me?

Then this place we wouldn’t be.

9th July

You see,

You and me we are the same,

We don’t change,

Every bitter bone in our bodies breaks,

when we don’t get what we want,

and your heart shrinks the slightest bit more the further you go,

You can kid yourself all you like,

all you wish,

but we don’t build as many bridges as we burn,

so we will never reach each other,

and you can stab my back,

cheat, lie,

blow smoke in my face,

but as bad as you are,

I can be worse,

let this be a lesson we’ll never learn.