My head hits the pillow

my head hits the pillow.. down falls my body

laying on the sheet

down goes my worries

inside it heats

off goes the quilt

my head hits the pillow

my head hits the pillow

Monday soon turns to Sunday

and Saturdays never felt the same since I was 18

thats a whole lot of alcohol

a whole lot of drinking

now people asking me why I don’t just have a bottle

my head hits the pillow

another pillow

another bed

and beside me another head

my body falls

it lands inside the sheets

my worries climb in

like I gave them some kind of welcoming

I’m a disaster and you still persue me

that’s a shame

my head hits the pillow

down goes my head

head on the pillow again and again…

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Deadly

depression is an illness that knows no forgiveness. depression is deadly and can take over if you let it

depression is cunning and scarily addictive

can cast out a shadow of your worst fears and doubts

depression is a dementure that takes over your soul,

it feeds off your body it can swallow you whole,

depression is an illness a deadly disease,

it can spread it if you let it, take down cities and streets,

we need to work harder a cure must be there,

depression is deadly it just doesn’t care…

depression is darkness its voiceless and sharp,

intelligent and pretty like a spark in the heart,

don’t let depression make you feel guilty ashamed or afraid,

take back the courage to fight it away.

dont let people tell you your abnormal or strange, depression is common and can hurt anyone daily…

depression is close it came a couple of times, yeah a few, but I met some great people who had been through it too,

they gave me some pointers,

some tips to get rid,

but the remedy not quite there,

sometimes it can win.

Lavender

Days and days go by,

my sweet god,

I’ve been waiting for you,

Your calming eyes,

Blue with a haze of purple ,

Black dot in the circle ,

You’ve been travelling through the night to get to me, at last ,

You was careful ,

You’ve found me…

My sweet lover ,

You was almost saturated in a fountain of bloody water,

Now your turning it back to blue,

Slipping your hands in and out ,

Is it better on the other side ?

My sweet god ,

With your calming heroic energy ,

Disastrous weather never bothered thee ,

And golden robes drape down on he,

The god of positive energy ,

Calming like

‘Lavender’

…growing in fields in France waving around it dances

Grab my hand whilst where standing ,

You came to me ,

Rescued me from drowning ,

My sweet god.

calming eyes,

Blue with a haze of purple,

Black dot in the circle,

golden robes right to your ankle ,

Your halo above it sparkles,

Will you rip it down wrap it round me neck and strangle ?

I’ve always been too much for a god to handle ,

Are you sure that I won’t be too much of a handful ?

I know I could be like ,

Lavender.

We don’t ever speak of Lavender

Would it ever be like Lavender?

Does she smell just like Lavender?

~

Sweet god, my traveller,

Eyes Blue with a haze of purple,

Black dot in the circle,

You travelled all this way,

Too meet me in the fields of gray,

To tell me it’s way too late….

anxiety my chains

Anxiety my chains
.
I’m shy,
but not really,
smile,
but I’m                  secrectly,
crying.
I’m laughing!
silent,
but I’m chatting!
.
I’m shy,
but not really.
I’m cold,
and im needy.
the
attention
you
give
me
smokes
like
fire
in my belly.
and im ready,
when your ready…
slow  ,
but I’m steady,
quick,
and on edge,
anxiety.
my chains
just want to feel,’normal’ again.
.

depression is criminal

there is no room
for me
there are no seats
for me
nowhere for me to go
no place
no home
no friends that walk along
no place that I belong
and depression it carries on
no room
she needed me at one point
and doesn’t need me anymore
and he got angry impatient
out he walked
right out of the door
he hurt me twice and over
but I still let him in
and she moved away to somewhere
to far for me to be
family seem absent
don’t notice me these days
and temperatures
keep rising
nothing seems to change
I hear a voice it murmers
somewhere in the crowd
I’m hoping he will remember me
but the depressions far too loud
soon the tumble takes over
and the reality falls apart
it’s taking me forever
to keep up with my heart….

belongs to me

belongs to me
.
my body,
is for my enjoyment,
every strap,
every lace,
every mark,
beauty spot,
it belongs to me.
my body is,
MY temple,
and I will not give you one piece!
if I choose to share with you,
then you,
shall respect it,
as if it is your own,
it is not for you to comment,
I will not be objectified,
sexualised,
or demonised,
I do things for my own satisfaction,
no man, No other,
not for their joy,
entertainment,
my body it belongs to me.

can’t win

cant win
~
damaged
only slightly
waiting for                     a might be
could be
should be
hideous in the                   day time
hidden in the                                 dark…

citalopram

citalopram

spread the curtains
see the sun
another day has now begun

blessed with pleasent memories,

try and take each day with some ease.
Wake up the sun is up
have a coffee or a cup of tea
then
10 to 20 mg
pop it out the pack.
citalopram
.
mixed views, mixed reviews
the doctors commonly prescribe
but why does it feel like I’ve lost the person inside?
it takes a month before it works
I already thought I was at my worst
feed the baby
push the pram
pop it out the pack
citalopram
.

my mouth feels dry

my eyes are heavy

they make me want to go to bed already

I still don’t have a stable head

my heart beat it seems to be unsteady

I hope I’m ready

the doctor said it would be a remedy

Im trying as best as I can

goodbye bad feelings

citalopram.

to friends who have had to take antidepressants. your not alone.

not my place

it’s not my place.
I’m not very good at reassurance,
I can’t give you too much honesty,
Ive spend most times lost in me,
I’m ghosting myself, lately,
and im choosing other people’s health, over my own,
like the counsellor said
in the most polite way,
‘its not your place’,
I don’t mean to busy body,
or get over involved in personal politics,
and I like to feel I’m in some kind of place, noone likes to feel useless,
don’t want to feel replaced,
I don’t know the signs sometimes,
my social anxiety can sometimes lie,
but maybe when there’s not much I can say,
recognising the signs to back away,
try and let people find a chance,
to make it back. Without too much hand, I thinks ok, sometimes it’s just not always my place, no matter how hard I want to help.

my hero is a man in blue uniform

emergency surgery :
~
my hero..  is a man in blue uniform,
a name I won’t recall,
what I have left from being under the knife,
scars are a reminder of my hero’s work,
he gave me chance to live my life,

for what he did im really glad,

I wish I could thank him over,
for everything he did back then,
I didn’t think I would make it,
but he made sure I stayed put,
need to stop thinking of this half filled cup,
think of all I’m greatful for,
I’m happy and I cant ignore,
the man in blue uniform.
~
He apologised that it wasn’t seen to sooner,
he saw the desprate suffering in my eyes,
I wish the nurses where just as kind,

I gave birth and her I left behind,
it sometimes goes in and out my mind,
but I know I should move on from that,
I keep getting side tracked,
but I will be greatful forever more,
for that man in blue uniform.
~
I just hope he knows,
that him listening really did change my life,
and even though I went under the knife,
it’s nice that he rescued me,
that he spent years doing a degree,
to make people better and to be,
the best he could possibly be,
thankyou for opening more doors,
here’s to the man in blue uniform.

10 fingers 10 toes

Who will you be?
Who are you now?
What do you think?
How long will you take ?

Everyone tells me about it,
Everyone’s says your a baby,
Everyone wants a slice,
I know because I’m baking,
I need someone to tell me it’s alright,
Whilst I’m sat here wondering,
Trying to last another night,
Without all these questions, answering,
I hear a melody in my head,
I place my hand across what I think is your head,
Your wriggling body moves around,
Are you there?
I hear no sound.

Who will you be?
Who are you now?
What do you think?
How long will you take?

They say it’s frightening,
And I’m worried,
They say I should be enlightened but I’m in a hurry,
I want to see your face so much,
But I feel I’ve put you through enough,
I know I should be having fun,
As I’m mixing up this bun.

Sometimes I think someone could love you better,
But I can’t wait to be together,
At last the next month has arrived, I see your face on the screen,
And I’m surprised,
Your constantly on my mind.

It gets me through,
That one day I will have all the answers,
And in the end it went quite fast,
My worries I leave in the past,
My ten fingers and toes,
Button nose,
Silky hair,
Floppy hands,
Tiny ears,
Floppy feet,
Little eyes I longed to meet.

Although you won’t remember, at least it’s a journey we completed together.