What’s wrong with me ?

What’s wrong with me?

You tell me all the things I want to hear

And I want you to want me like you say you do

But I can’t be in love with you?

I can’t find the way to restart this game?

And things just don’t seem to feel the same?

What is wrong with me ?

Your telling me the things I died to hear…

YouTube poetry

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Still

I miss you… still

I hate every lingering habit

I picked up from you

every shoulder shrug

every empty hug

every empty rumble from not eating from anxiety before arriving at yours… I miss you…. Still… I miss that I can’t fucking text

and if I do ill become a crazy ex

I hate that I can’t just turn up and say

anything,

because you’ll push me away.

I hate that your probably at the other side of the world by now.

and im frozen in the palm of your hands.

I picture myself in my coat with the fluffy hood

looking up to you as snow falls

the part where I feel in love

I still miss…. this

this feeling where I’m so fucking high

and I can’t take you off my mind

the days of hours sat wondering

what the hell we are doing and if your going to end up coming… over

stumbling… words like broken stairs that lead to nowhere

and im scared, that I miss you…. Still.

My head hits the pillow

my head hits the pillow.. down falls my body

laying on the sheet

down goes my worries

inside it heats

off goes the quilt

my head hits the pillow

my head hits the pillow

Monday soon turns to Sunday

and Saturdays never felt the same since I was 18

thats a whole lot of alcohol

a whole lot of drinking

now people asking me why I don’t just have a bottle

my head hits the pillow

another pillow

another bed

and beside me another head

my body falls

it lands inside the sheets

my worries climb in

like I gave them some kind of welcoming

I’m a disaster and you still persue me

that’s a shame

my head hits the pillow

down goes my head

head on the pillow again and again…

Deadly

depression is an illness that knows no forgiveness. depression is deadly and can take over if you let it

depression is cunning and scarily addictive

can cast out a shadow of your worst fears and doubts

depression is a dementure that takes over your soul,

it feeds off your body it can swallow you whole,

depression is an illness a deadly disease,

it can spread it if you let it, take down cities and streets,

we need to work harder a cure must be there,

depression is deadly it just doesn’t care…

depression is darkness its voiceless and sharp,

intelligent and pretty like a spark in the heart,

don’t let depression make you feel guilty ashamed or afraid,

take back the courage to fight it away.

dont let people tell you your abnormal or strange, depression is common and can hurt anyone daily…

depression is close it came a couple of times, yeah a few, but I met some great people who had been through it too,

they gave me some pointers,

some tips to get rid,

but the remedy not quite there,

sometimes it can win.

Letter 6 ‘thunder’

6th of August 2007

‘Thunder’

Dear,

It’s been terrible weather this evening and whilst everyone else in the house cries or hides when the thunder and lightening strikes. Dad always runs up to the attic with a microphone recorder. I’m never allowed in the attic and I get pretty freaked out or scared by the dolls he keeps on the stairs and landing. They are the dolls you see in shop windows.
Mannequins so they call them.
Terrifying. 
I snuck up tip toeing up the stairs so he didn’t yell at me and tell me to go. He still managed to hear the very faint squeak of the floor boards break.
“Lil?”
I slowly started to walk backwards but nearly toppled over my feet my socks where loose.

“Lil is that you”

Dad asked opening the door.

“Yes” I whispered

“What are you doing up”

“I can’t sleep the thunders scary”

“It’s ok come in but then you must go to sleep”

The door creaked open I hadn’t been in the attic before. Dad hated me or my brothers going in. My step mum only ever went in to develop photos in water trays.

The room was cluttered with books, comics, toys still in boxes, we wasn’t allowed to take them out the packaging , speakers, baby dolls and mannequins and a record player. Some rope hanging with images pegged on.

Sat near the computer desk with the ceiling window open was dad “shhh…” he said “can you hear that?….it’s beautiful”

Aaaaand that’s ok with me

You can ruin my parade today

You can piss on my bonfire

You can eat all the birthday cake say they’re left overs and was by mistake

You can shit stir you can make me look like a fool

You can do it all you want because I’m giving up

Aaaaaand that’s ok, with me !

You can scare off all possible opportunities

You can take away my pride at least

You can act as though I am a beast

You can make out that I am a thief

It doesn’t seem to make much difference

Your efforts are insignificant

Aaaaaand that’s ok , with me!

You can burst all my balloons

You can call me names destroy my fun

You can trick me into loving you

Punish me time and time

I don’t care I guess I’m fine

Aaaaaaand that’s ok, with me!

Lavender

Days and days go by,

my sweet god,

I’ve been waiting for you,

Your calming eyes,

Blue with a haze of purple ,

Black dot in the circle ,

You’ve been travelling through the night to get to me, at last ,

You was careful ,

You’ve found me…

My sweet lover ,

You was almost saturated in a fountain of bloody water,

Now your turning it back to blue,

Slipping your hands in and out ,

Is it better on the other side ?

My sweet god ,

With your calming heroic energy ,

Disastrous weather never bothered thee ,

And golden robes drape down on he,

The god of positive energy ,

Calming like

‘Lavender’

…growing in fields in France waving around it dances

Grab my hand whilst where standing ,

You came to me ,

Rescued me from drowning ,

My sweet god.

calming eyes,

Blue with a haze of purple,

Black dot in the circle,

golden robes right to your ankle ,

Your halo above it sparkles,

Will you rip it down wrap it round me neck and strangle ?

I’ve always been too much for a god to handle ,

Are you sure that I won’t be too much of a handful ?

I know I could be like ,

Lavender.

We don’t ever speak of Lavender

Would it ever be like Lavender?

Does she smell just like Lavender?

~

Sweet god, my traveller,

Eyes Blue with a haze of purple,

Black dot in the circle,

You travelled all this way,

Too meet me in the fields of gray,

To tell me it’s way too late….

Letter 5 ‘ice cream with grandad’

5th of August 2008

Grandad picked me and my brothers up to go to Hornsea today. It’s been the hottest week in summer for years. He picked us up about half past 10 in the morning as we didn’t want to set off much later with risk of it being even warmer travelling.

We climbed in put our seatbelts on that was the most important part Grandad was adamant we all had our seatbelts on and we was in safe. Younger brother in his car seat eldest on the booster seat and me squished in the middle with my Sony Ericsson listening to annoying mobile tunes or playing snake.

It was really warm and our bodies would stick to the leather seats of the car , Grandad is proud of his car even though it smells like a horses foot. But we couldn’t and wouldn’t say that because he would be very defensive ! And would be classed as being rude. But it still smelt like a horses foot and I always saw the humour in that.

Mum was sat in the front with the window half way down and l Grandad had his thick leather jacket on and cap which was new because he normally always had his winter hat on even thought its summer. He also had his big round glasses that he’d been wearing since 1995.

My brothers wouldn’t stop arguing to he turned up the jazz music he had recorded on cassette really loud until my youngest brother eventually fell asleep.

Arriving-

Well this is our summer holiday, break away a couple of hours, by the seaside and maybe a chance of an ice cream depending how much change mum had on her . Although grandad always did end up trying to get money out of the ATM, that’s if he could see the pin pad.

The sea was rough today and soon cooled off by the time we arrived. Grandad eventually took off his leather jacket and hat and left it in the boot of the car handing over our bucket and spades although we didn’t feel like digging as it was starting to get really cold.

We walked up to the splash part where there was a shop right next to it where it sold ice creams cakes a cup of tea. Mum and grandad would always indulge in a cuppa whilst me and my brothers had a ice cream with a flake. No matter the weather we always tried to enjoy an ice cream with Grandad, and no matter the weather Grandad would always enjoy taking us all out what ever the weather….

Happy Birthday Grandad you would have been 73 today! You are much loved and missed ! Thankyou for so many good memories I know you’d be with us at the seaside now if you could be.

Letter 4 ‘The ice creams’

4th August year unknown

Dear , 
I’ve been busy today, the sun has been glowing and we’ve been running around at #Spurnpoint we always make it a competition to see who can run to the abandoned #spurnpointlighthouse first. The sand looked golden and fluffy, the sea calm with frothy with with bubbles at the edges of the waves. Water clear and see-through in the middle. The whole sky reflected across the water you could see the sky and the seagulls dancing around in the waters mirror.
And … no one else was there just us. I’m soaked , but that doesn’t matter I’ve got sand in my socks and shoes. Dads hair it tied up in a knot, he seems really happy today. My step mum and I walked across the stones , bare footed of course, at the top near the cliffs looking for sea shells, fossils like ammonites and smoothed stained glass. 
We’ve had a really nice day, my youngest brother is in the car seat fast asleep and my eldest is eating ice cream out of a cone. It’s a strange story , I was walking along on my own whilst everyone was getting into the car when I saw a piece of paper sticking out of the sand. I almost ignored it at first. But I reached out and pulled it from the sand, to see that it was a 20 pound note!
In amazement I ran over to dad but he said I should share it with everyone and get them an ice cream. So I did.