Aaaaand that’s ok with me

You can ruin my parade today

You can piss on my bonfire

You can eat all the birthday cake say they’re left overs and was by mistake

You can shit stir you can make me look like a fool

You can do it all you want because I’m giving up

Aaaaaand that’s ok, with me !

You can scare off all possible opportunities

You can take away my pride at least

You can act as though I am a beast

You can make out that I am a thief

It doesn’t seem to make much difference

Your efforts are insignificant

Aaaaaand that’s ok , with me!

You can burst all my balloons

You can call me names destroy my fun

You can trick me into loving you

Punish me time and time

I don’t care I guess I’m fine

Aaaaaaand that’s ok, with me!

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Letter 4 ‘The ice creams’

4th August year unknown

Dear , 
I’ve been busy today, the sun has been glowing and we’ve been running around at #Spurnpoint we always make it a competition to see who can run to the abandoned #spurnpointlighthouse first. The sand looked golden and fluffy, the sea calm with frothy with with bubbles at the edges of the waves. Water clear and see-through in the middle. The whole sky reflected across the water you could see the sky and the seagulls dancing around in the waters mirror.
And … no one else was there just us. I’m soaked , but that doesn’t matter I’ve got sand in my socks and shoes. Dads hair it tied up in a knot, he seems really happy today. My step mum and I walked across the stones , bare footed of course, at the top near the cliffs looking for sea shells, fossils like ammonites and smoothed stained glass. 
We’ve had a really nice day, my youngest brother is in the car seat fast asleep and my eldest is eating ice cream out of a cone. It’s a strange story , I was walking along on my own whilst everyone was getting into the car when I saw a piece of paper sticking out of the sand. I almost ignored it at first. But I reached out and pulled it from the sand, to see that it was a 20 pound note!
In amazement I ran over to dad but he said I should share it with everyone and get them an ice cream. So I did. 

One last thought before bed

I miss it,

But I’m so damn grateful that I’m so far away from that place,

I hate that I think of it,

But I know where I am,

I’m in such a safer environment,

It’s slightly distressing in the back of my memories,

The house was beautiful,

I imaged dancing holding wedding drapes,

Scrubbing off pieces of our wedding cake,

I miss it but it’s that part of my soul that needs to evaporator into the earth and never return,

I imagined raising our first child,

I watched them run in the garden,

All the seeds and flowers I watched them grow,

Nursed them as if I was a talented gardener,

But I had to leave all of that behind and that is was destroys me,

And as I look back in the memories of my mind.

I just see hate.

Blackness covering the garden.

Weed killer murdering the flowers.

And no child.

No cake.

No wedding drapes.

The world can harbour evil,

Who am I to challenge it?

And although deep this may seem,

It is sometimes one last thought before I go to bed.

8th jan 2019

anxiety my chains

Anxiety my chains
.
I’m shy,
but not really,
smile,
but I’m                  secrectly,
crying.
I’m laughing!
silent,
but I’m chatting!
.
I’m shy,
but not really.
I’m cold,
and im needy.
the
attention
you
give
me
smokes
like
fire
in my belly.
and im ready,
when your ready…
slow  ,
but I’m steady,
quick,
and on edge,
anxiety.
my chains
just want to feel,’normal’ again.
.

This is how it should of been

Good morning naivety! 
Arms stretched out along the sofa 

Your shuffling a little closer 

Dinner in the oven by 6 and if it’s not , it’s going to be just eat! 

You smile at me like we’ve never been broken 

And I chuck the last slice at you like you’ve never eaten

Feet up on my knees 

And telly on loud so the neighbours don’t hear 

Your shoes thrown on the landing dear

Your lips all on my back and ears 

Fuck all meds and sertraline

Because this is how it should of been ! 
Passing your earing, to put on the side 

A drink perched next to us for the time 

That we get thirsty after this rhyme 

So your still thinking how to trick me next 

But I’m always a step a head 

And we lay across your bed 

Like we have only just met 

Your cold and I appreciate 

That things can never be too late 

Door opens and the car engines on 

It’s time for work but even when I go your never gone 

You drop me off so you can go 

My hand it holds on to yours 

As you push the steering wheel

You kiss me on my face it seems 

And I turn to you I smile and beam 

You say ‘what do you think all this means?’

And I say 

…this is how it should of been!’

I’m home first and that’s ok 

I chuck my purse on to the side again 

My phone it’s plugged into your charger 

I know that sort of makes you mad 

Kettle on because I know you love a brew 

And I can’t wait to just be with you 

It’s passed 6 your still not back 

And I sort of got stuck with a microwave pack 

I remember to wash your jeans 

For the weekend we spend time to be free 

I remember as you turned to me 

Laughing we giggled about 

How this is how we should of been 

The clocks been ticking for some time 

And I’m starting to go out my mind 

It’s 10pm and 6calls you’ve not returned 

I throw your meal into the litter 

And your cuppa went cold by supper 

I just hope your not in trouble 

But my fear is I’m seeing double

A catastrophe is about to elapse 

My body feels like it might collapse I fall asleep on the sofa…

To return to see you still not here. 

He’s a mess

He’s a mess

He’s a mess

so he’s healing

Whilst time is slow to him

It’s been a year to her

He’s a state

So he’s taking time away

She’s discovering love for word play

And performance poetry.

He’s breaking down

Giving all out

And she tried a few times

To get him to hear her loud

But he doesn’t want to listen

Doesn’t want to respond

She’s breaking too

There is no bond

She’s crying out for attention

But and the same time she just wants to give affection

And the random memories

Pop up here and there

She just wishes she could shift the earth

She changed her looks

Cut all her hair

She breaking

He’s still not recovering

There’s been no conversation since

Is this there transformation times?

Next time they meet will they be different

Will he tell her the truth and know emotions

Or will he be gone and still living in slow motion ?

And…what about that time they sat?

he walked over, slumped

His head he leaned across her chest

He laid his worries stresses, his mess

She wasn’t sure how to react

laid her hand across his chest

she absorbed his troubles too

she had no clue to what to do

He sighed and almost cried a tear

Why is he so desperately living in fear

She felt that he had not been cared for

But out she left again out of that door

A million words shared in just one setting

Is it all still worth forgetting ?

The mind sticks and clings to things we think we should get to know

But maybe she ought to let it go.

He’s a mess

She’s broken

Anticipating words unspoken

And if she hadn’t been through enough

The next parts gonna be really tough …

belongs to me

belongs to me
.
my body,
is for my enjoyment,
every strap,
every lace,
every mark,
beauty spot,
it belongs to me.
my body is,
MY temple,
and I will not give you one piece!
if I choose to share with you,
then you,
shall respect it,
as if it is your own,
it is not for you to comment,
I will not be objectified,
sexualised,
or demonised,
I do things for my own satisfaction,
no man, No other,
not for their joy,
entertainment,
my body it belongs to me.

i’d give love, for arms

right now
I’d do anything
I’d give my self away
just to be heard again

right now
I’d do anything.
I’d steal
I’d beg
I’d plead
just to get this one thing that I need.

right now
I’d be more than happy
to offer, all my life
for love it has no price
not just a sacrifice
leave a sour taste for afterlife
and I know its not much in return
and I don’t think I will ever learn
but I would give my whole
pour all my heart and soul…

I’d give love,
just for your arms.

gone

it’s really starting to hit home
that your gone.. and I’m alone
and I hate this selfish feeling for need,
its unsettling me,
that your gone,
and the memories…
all muddled into one,
become fog,
like we never ever met,
seems wrong,
I hate it,
its horrible,
we can’t and dont talk,
and I go around in circles in my head all day,
telling myself all the bad,
making it sound good.

Denial

No one

And nothing ,

Is perfect …

Nothing,

And no one and

Not even my own mum ,

Is perfect …

Even my own reflection,

Isn’t perfect, but

When I see you,

And I feel your presence,

It’s

Perfect.

And I know,

In the end,

If you work it,

It would be worth it,

We, would be, worth it.

It would be perfect.