OK so I thought of this yesterday morning whilst having a shower. I was reading the bottles and I wanted to play with the words that manufactures use to sell their products. This is just a silly poem.
I will leave you succulent and full of sense
Fresh and revived
Free and alive.
I will repair and protect
Leave no hidden suspect
A sensation you’ll never forget
and better yet, tear free.
Like shower cream
I will be like your wet dream
make your body gleam
my cost is two for one
so when I’m gone
you’ll have another to move on.
I’d have done everything and anything,
Just to be by your side,
I’d of made those scrambled eggs,
Toast all fried,
I can’t believe the amount I’ve lost
And I can’t believe the amount I’ve cried,
I feel so restless, I barely sleep,
And I keep rubbing my eyes,
The realisation that you really don’t
And can’t stand me quite that way,
Is making my whole life a living hell,
And I have to go away,
For life is sweet when your around
And beams fly out my face,
But you destroy all my surrounds,
And I get lost inside my space,
I have to hold your hand one day,
And be your something more,
But I don’t think I will get that now
My fat face by your door,
Rejection is so hard for me,
But I’m sure I will survive,
For love is love and may be lost,
But it won’t destroy my pride.
I should probably go out
But I don’t feel there’s anywhere to go
That I belong
And I did this once or twice before
Then I had people knocking at the door
All I’d give is to be alone
But at the same time to be at the other end of your phone
Just so I could see if you see all my replies
Or ignore me and pump me up with lies
My body bursts and aches from your deceit
Should I at last hold up my hands in defeat
My body it weeps
Blown away by the cold air not long ago
I take each day more vitamins than you know
And why do I keep fighting
When I don’t know what I’m fighting for
You mention my health but you really don’t see
This is now pain you’ve inflicted on me
It makes no sense
No sense at all
Im done fed up of being your rubber ball.
You’ll be glad to read that I’m almost at the end of the I was anxious series.
With me you have seen my vision of what I thought was a truely great blossoming relationship turn into nothing.
People are amazing actors, and its cruel for some of us who believe there is kindness in many and most to learn that is not always the truth.
Like I said before because of the situation and circumstance it would have been nice to hear your story, your opinion, you haven’t said a word.
At the very worst even civil friendship for the sake of the friendship group we had formed.
Your loss. Right?
My conscious is clear I apologised to you,I tried to reach out and speak about stuff and you ignored me.
For the best part things seemed to be bubbling over for me mentally.
In reflection Summer greated us with tremendous thunder storms. I remember you texting me one evening when you went round the corner to play warhammer games with a friend.
The lightening was so bright and the thunder was a beautiful drumming sound echoing throughout the night.
Perhaps there where no faults lying anywhere, perhaps this was a huge mistake and you wished you hadn’t have met me.
There are so many things I wont ever know, things I wont understand and probably more incidents like this to come.
I told you I sensed rain fall, I bought a new coat incase.
Then 1 month of rain in 24 hours fell, leading to flooding in Doncaster and Wales.
I met you, greated you with a rainbow, stunning summer ray’s, then a storm and now the rain.
I have to deal with things, I’m not sure how long it will take for me to repair things caused by excessive rainfall, such as the tears and hurt and upset.
As for the people coping with the actual flooding I really do hope the rain stops.
Too much rain on both terms is bad for anyone.
I’ve been so low, I have been bed bound with tonsillitis and fever 3 nights. 3rd outbreak this year.
There is no chance hearing from you, and I suppose that’s fine. I feel so much better being able to talk to someone the readers, and comments from them. People are kind in unfamiliar ways.
Maybe this wasn’t a summer love story like most people like and hope. But yet another challenge for my mental health and self esteem to overcome.
It was Friday and you had been let down again from seeing the girls.
We managed to get over most of the hurdles we faced during the middle.
We spoke a bit more and we was on a good page with one another.
I wanted to surprise you treat you.
We was both wearing jumpers that looked the same which made me giggle, we was alike and it was nice.
I like being around people who are alike and can relate.
You had no idea but I wanted to get out of the house, things where getting you down and I could tell.
So we went out for dinner and I bought you whatever you fancied.
You was telling me about the foods you liked and enjoyed and said you would show me how to cook them and could make my own versions I wanted to make, for what I was able to eat.
Fridays where strange you finished earlier on a Friday then what you would on a Wednesday and Thursday.
You would remind me this every week.
I tried to cheer you up help you understand that it probably isn’t personal at all and you kept telling me how worried you was that maybe the kids wouldnt want to know you the older they became.
I said that wouldn’t be likely and that kids that age like seeing their friends and not hanging out with their parents.
It meant alot to you and I respected that and you agreed to just try and keep communicating.
You was proud that you was able to maintain a mutural set up with you ex said that you knew that to some people would think that was really weird but I didnt think that.
Not when kids are involved and if it was ended on a basis where you both came to agreements with things then that’s really positive and I think that if people can put their differences aside it makes it easier for everyone.
Life is too short to be arguing all the time and making things difficult for one another.
Why was I any different?
I was the meaningless jigsaw piece.
Maybe it was because we wasn’t talking for a massive amount of time but it felt like I had known you for years. I felt like we just clicked, I couldn’t have imagined anything like this ever happening.
At the very worst I would have thought we would have been friends.
The further I come from this, the more time alone I have, the less it feels like that was even my life.
Its strange it feels now like a wandering dream.
People keep bringing up your name and I really don’t know what to say, there are so many things that I don’t know.
I hold my hands up and I apologise, I ask what it was that I did and you never reply.
People say that, that’s because you don’t want to know and the quicker I notice this the easier and better the outcome will be for me.
Maybe something awful happened maybe something happened that you cant tell me about, maybe the truth is you are back with your ex and that’s why you said that people thought it was weird.
Maybe someone said something about me or maybe someone said that I said something about you.
Maybe your sick, or maybe my reaction to you calling me your ex’s name really did piss you off.
Maybe the poem following that pissed you off, maybe you thought some poems I shared where about you.
I’m not sure. I’m not certain.
As I said before in the other parts we never had a row, we didn’t have an argument and it was all left on a really bizzare note.
It was Tuesday and you came over after work you was a bit grumpy as was I and I felt really off unwell, it wasn’t you I was just tired from the school runs after school and starting university.
Maybe you felt that because I was at University that we had different paths, but really that wasn’t your choice to make.
You made choices that week that I didn’t understand and choices I made you didn’t understand.
It was Wednesday and you offered to help with the school runs it was fine. But then that’s when you called me your ex’s name.
Nothing was said about it in the moment. I was in shock because it was a little bit random and first thing, but I just said I needed to think about it I never said I was angry.
I said I needed some space and maybe see you at the weekend since you work late on Wednesdays and Thursdays.
To you this was overreacting, to me it was having time to think about it.
For both of us.
It was Thursday and I hadn’t really heard from you from the Wednesday morning, you used to ask if you could call me, you would text me every 8am saying hey with a waving emoji and say good morning.
All of this was dissolving.
I needed to do something in town and you work in town and I thought it would have been nice to say hello and surprise you.
You didn’t like this you didn’t let me in and you told me there and then abruptly that you did not like surprises.
I couldn’t look at you.
I felt like there was something you was hiding not telling me and I was getting worried.
I really didn’t think that it was worth being this big a deal and wanted to resolve things.
People may think otherwise but honestly all I ever do is to try and resolve things, it makes it easier and better for everyone.
You was cold.
I had never seen you behave so cold.
Saturday came and it was the first ever Saturday I had had without the kids since moving in and it was a great chance to talk and try and resolve things.
You finshed work at 5pm on a Saturday but for whatever reason you chose to stay on and not speak to me until half 7 almost 8.
You couldn’t look at me you was just looking at the floor and having cig after cig.
Saying words and not finishing the sentences.
I had seen this look before on my children when they knew they had done something wrong but there wasn’t really anything that big.
I didn’t want you to feel bad.
I just was confused.
You looked so pale and unwell it was unsettling.
You was saying words like ‘look’ and ‘and..’ ‘maybe’ and not really saying much at all, whilst the steam from your cup of tea was floating off into the garden.
I asked you if you didn’t want to talk or see me anymore, and you said ‘oh no of course not its not that’ and then started talking about having a sched.
You said that you wasn’t happy with my reaction in the week and I upset you coming too see you before work. I apologised.
Next thing we went to the bar where you had first come to see me after a poetry night that had finished.
It made me think so much that in the beginning you did the exact same thing to me you came to see me with no notice, you contacted me and came round and you was persuing me.
I did not act the way that you was.
It didn’t stop you continuing the night and continuing to have drinks with me and a laugh and tell me how nice I looked and how lucky you thought you was.
It didn’t stop you taking me across the road into another bar and continue to talk to me for another 3 hours.
We was in Pave and we spoke about your parents your family.
We spoke about your experiance at university.
We spoke about christmas and we spoke about what your family may have thought about us talking and you was happy and you said that they would be happy and it would have been nice for me to meet them.
You told me in such great detail about the things that you had been though.
We then spoke about filming and films you had been involved in making and ones that you wanted to do.
I told you about the book that I was writing and you told me about what you was writing and that you seeing me write made you want to grow that passion again.
Your phone died and you kept hinting.
I didnt know what you was on about.
You went off to the toilet and I glared down at my phone and saw the message.
YOU said that you was having such an amazing night.
Sainsbury’s was shut and its never shut so we went to the garage because we wanted more cigs.
I hadn’t really eaten much so I got drunk a little bit easier than normal.
We got back to mine and I put some music on I said that we never got chance to dance at spiders that night and maybe we should try it again sometime.
I may have been drunk but I remember everything.
You didn’t want to talk you was all affectionate.
You took me to F&B we had a meal and it was a rip off, I did try and pre-warn you but it felt like you wanted to treat me or spend time with me maybe.
We was umming and arring about what we should do as we was hanging a little bit from the pub drinking.
It was 3pm and you was grumpy tired and you started to stop looking at me again. I felt unhappy even though it had been so nice talking and everything.
It was 3pm and you started going on about needing to use the laundrette and that you needed to go home and get some sleep so I said sure whatever it takes for you to go and be ok.
My feelings was never considered in your scenarios, you went home and you didn’t message me.
It was Monday and I didn’t hear anything, you didn’t mention the weekend and you didn’t ask if I was ok.
It was Tuesday and I just started saying to friends that I think its done because I hadn’t had converstaion with you.
It was Wednesday and you said that you could come over after work to talk but it would have been late and I had a massive stone inside my stomach that was stopping me from eating thinking and sleeping. I didn’t want to accept that maybe you had used me over the weekend.
It was Thursday and people started asking questions and asking if I was sure and I didnt know what to tell anyone.
It was Friday.
It was Saturday
It was Friday.
I open my eyes and I see your eyes.
Blue, velvet. I fucking love you, the windows open and the curtains are swaying in the breeze. It couldn’t be any better laying with you, there’s trees outside the window, there’s a planet we can fall in love with. But we don’t need that because we can just lay here and be in the moment, beautiful.
You maybe an adult with age but you are a child at heart and it breaks me in half, that I can’t rescue you from yourself. You can blame others for all the issues in your life but it won’t help you.
You lay there and close your eyes again, they shut slowly and you say no words, I push my hand through your hair, naked I walk out of the bed and towards the shower. I wasn’t calling you over but you came along anyway. I love holding you it feels like we are somewhere else we are safe we are away from the problems.
We had no problems.
I was carrying your baby, and you was so excited, I wasn’t so much so at that point. You was talking to me about how amazing it was going to be, we hadn’t been planing. I had been grieving so hard. I had been drinking so much, leaving uni at 3am in the dark. With no one to be with, hours of writing. Because of the funeral, I had to take resits.
I had to walk past the reminder every evening, would it of fucking hurt to say sorry?
We fucking worked that bedroom the neighbour’s where probably pissed by now, sat in their blow up paddling pools, smoking weed.
Why do people do that?
The people across the way have had a broken fridge outside the front for months, and now they’ve added a broken bbq. Do they not know that there is a skip about 4 miles from here?
Why do people do that?
Problems we had no problems.
The hospital called they said that there was a decline in my hormones, all them aches and pains wasn’t imagined.
I grabbed the hammer and smashed the phone to pieces.
There’s so much blood, is there supposed to be this much?
I keep climbing in the bath is that supposed to make it go?
How long am I supposed to sit here.
If I hear another ‘are you ok?’, I will fucking scream. Hearing you talk about how it happends to 1 in 4 women is not making the situation any easier. Being ok in a couple of months, theres always time, is not what is on my mind.
I needed a friend. I needed a family member, I needed someone.
I lay there, you talk to me and I have no words to say, I just stare at the window with the curtains swaying, not as beautiful as they was in the morning.
I blame the house, I blame myself, my stupid body.
Problems, we had none.
I was getting really anxious, we had been talking for a few weeks. We sat together in the living room, I was nervous. I knew it was coming but I couldn’t get my head around it.
I could smell you, feel you, you was a real person.
We flicked through the TV nothing really worth watching and we both both didn’t really want to watch TV anyway.
Not an illusion.
You had feelings, you was feeling, talking, a moving person.
I’d become so accustom to internet interaction.
Faceless conversations, angry outburst, head fucks.
You was you and I was I and there was no one judging us, it was a moment of complete silence, a symphony.
Our collaboration, delicate, ceramic, porcelain.
I was anxious.
Heart palpitating, hands slippery, eyes facing anything but you.
I was scared but also happy.
Trying to tell myself it’s ok, you can trust him.
You can be yourself.
He didn’t take the beard thing too personally I mean, I told him I wasn’t a huge fan, this was not me telling him to shave, or maybe it was, other people have agreed with me they aren’t massive fan on beard snogging. I didn’t want to change him if that was him then that was him.
I mean no one was about to do anything crazy.
When I swung open the door after hearing a little tap on frame.
The beard was, gone.
You may think I didnt notice body language very well for all this time.
Oh boy, I knew.
So, it’s ok.
He was smiling, smirking his little face shined, eyes wide.
Returning to the sofa, I saw his face in the corner of my eyes…
I was at court that morning to get my little girl home, she was a train journey away from me. I was only 17 and I was going out of my mind, I was losing weight, I couldn’t eat.
Constantly worried about her and what was going on when I wasn’t there. He was only supposed to have her a weekend but he got angry lost control and didn’t return her for a week, didn’t text me to tell me what was happening. I had no choice but to call the police and find out what I could do, this man had been mentally abusing me since I was 15 and attacking me, shoving me, showing me his fist, throughout the whole pregnancy and relationship. It was bad, really bad.
I had no one on my side, my mum didn’t believe me my own father had abandoned me, everyone would say its nothing or think I was making it up. I had one friend when I was pregnant who I don’t talk to now haven’t for 7 years, saw how he was first hand. She was a local hairdresser, it was one of the only places I could go to. I was controlled a great deal and I started to talk about the truths behind closed doors with her, he hated that, I had a friend to slowly confine in and slowly stopped me seeing her too.
I remember when I said I didn’t agree with something and he threatened to put my head through a car window. He said if he even caught me having a cig he would force a full packet down my throat and make me swallow them. I remember him saying one time I needed to be awake when he returned home because he would need sex. There where so many strange remarks and things said but at first never seemed as bad or dangerous.
It wasn’t until 2015 that controlling and coercive behaviour became a new law. Unfortunatly, I was in 2012 and mental abuse in relationships wasn’t really as recognised as it is today.
You never climb into a taxi thinking you will get attacked or mugged, you assume you will be safe. Just the same as you never enter a relationship thinking you will be hurt, and I don’t care what anyone says, mental abuse is extremely damaging.
Not something you can completely erase from your memory.
People assumed because I was young, and had a child, I was stupid. In fact I was the one who seeked a solicitor in the first place to arrange contact arrangements, as I couldn’t cope with doing them on my own without the support and structure. I was studying Law as an A Level and I was learning a huge deal about family law, my teacher happened to be an ex lawyer and would guide me in the right direction if I needed any answers.
My solicitor was sloppy, and the case was terrible. In the end it was the, social services and police that supported me and made sure that things where as safe and normal as possible.
She came back home safe, it was hard to think I let her go. As a mother I have a duty to ensure she is always safe always clean, fed, happy healthy.
Times where hard I was young, college student trying to better my life, yet, the state made it harder for me to do this, and simply designed it in a way where it was difficult to come away from it. There is still little support for parents who study, young people from my experience.
I enjoyed being a single parent at that point, it was fun and although I had the critisims daily and the bad mouthing the horrible comments.
As I have got older it’s just made me think that those people where so bitter and twisted and how sad of a world it is for them, that that’s how they thought and acted.
Judgments from people who had no idea the journey I had gone through or anything at all about me.
I was just automatically brushed as a slut for having her at a young age.
I didn’t think that years and years later I would get these terrible flashbacks, of being pushed onto the mattress on the floor whilst 5 months pregnant.
Pushed and shoved up against walls, if I fell asleep even towards the end of the pregnancy, he would force me awake, he didn’t like me asleep.
There are things I have seen and I have felt and places I have been in situations I have been in I wouldn’t wish my worst enemy to be in.
The further away I got from these bad places I felt as if I had been reborn and given a new life.
I put bird feed out for the birds, but we all know it attracts the rats.
Stand in the garden and all I can hear is loud sirens from the ambulances and police cars.
Living in the city is loud.
I could really do with a hug.
Tiger has been growing her winter coat and I know you didn’t like cats, but she rubbed off on you. Literally, she would push her furry skin up against you and you took her on for the short time you was about.
You would bring her a box of cat food and use the kids bowls to feed her. I was really anxious about that because I didn’t want to get bowls mixed up again and feed the kids cat flavoured coco pops. #nevermind
I loved it when you looked at me with pure innocence but we both knew there was no innocence left inside those eyes.
You was telling me things you hadn’t been telling yourself and things you hadn’t been telling others.
Distance wasn’t about to make the heart grow fonder it was about to break them apart in to tiny teeny pieces.
You haunt me with you words like “mush, mush” and your causal shrug of “sure”. I didn’t want to admit it but I looked up on things you liked because I wanted to get to know you more and understand deep inside your world.
People say I want to have that role of being someone’s saviour but I actually enjoyed the concept of having people around me willing to try and help and save me.
Little things like folding the clothes doing the pots and being interested, invested.
I liked it when you was about to tell me something really kind but then filled in the gaps with “mush, mush”.
You was in your element at least, I thought you was and you wanted to be in my crazy world as much as I wanted to be in yours.
But things changed and I don’t cope well with sudden changes. That’s what you said to me and I felt the same, always felt the same.
It was hard adjusting to having a huge 3 bed house with a drive to being in a little tiny box house with barely any room to swing the cat. Then being back in a fairly huge house again with a garden. If your confused then please go back to other parts of I was anxious.
The space was made up with good company from my neighbour who I also knew from going to school with. I really miss hanging out with her and catching up.
This year has been a significant year for many.
I had mice coming in the front part of the house and it was really handy having a cat about to catch them.
Maybe things I shouldn’t be worrying about. In the end I found it fairly amusing pleasing, thinking wow I’m pretty lucky I have such a loyal cat that’s prepared to fight off these mice.
I’m pretty lucky that I have such a fun loving friend who was there for me whlist I was really struggling with living in that house. I even thought to myself at one point I was prepared to stay there and save for the sake of having a friend next door.
People are kind and sometimes they’re kind in unfamiliar ways.
It’s people like her and you and even you and people like him and my best friend and best friend from college and close friend from Instagram. The children then cat my family, the generous people at my university, hell even moody cow in herons made me happy. High days felt amazing and I needed no cigarettes, no alcohol or money.
That made me want to continue my life.
So, I can’t remember precisely how many days have gone. Weeks have passed, maybe it’s not that many.
Almost 2 months maybe, time became less important it just happened I know I don’t have control over it so it just carry’s on happening.
It’s almost Halloween and I even ordered a stupid corset, incase we all did go out as a group, it arrived a month ago, I havent even tried it on, I didn’t see the point. I haven’t bothered with decorations baking this year, because I just feel as though my spirits have been dropped.
So much so I don’t think I will even bother buying Christmas decorations I don’t have a tree or anything it was left behind in the house I left. I know I know it’s for the kids.
I’ve moved 3 times this year it’s been difficult. So when you mentioned looking for a bigger house it threw me off. Another grand gesture, I got my head round it then in the last week or so you sort of just slowly stopped talking to me and that’s the point where we are at.
My mum believes there’s no reasoning to it, that your a coward and perhaps it’s because you wasn’t interested after all.
I think there’s more to it but maybe that’s because I partly blame myself for most things.
It probably didn’t help that I deleted you but my logic was it would trigger you to call me or something.
Nothing happened, I have sent messages but you just ignore me. I know your around because of the other things that happened shortly after and you was talking to my friend. But why couldn’t you talk to me?
My theory is your scared, don’t give a fuck, couldn’t careless, there’s another woman involved, you moved on immediately or I imagined the whole thing.
The thing is the truth always comes out, always and everyone is a liar.
You may not be surprised to learn but I am. I was going into this with my head straight. Why I asked questions like what we wanted, and little bits of future. I didn’t think you was a liar and I still dont think you are but I have nothing nothing at all to believe otherwise.
That’s why I’m stuck. Completely stuck. I keep moving forward but you hold me back unintentionally, with out knowing.
We had more good days then bad infact we only had one bad day , ok maybe two. But bad days are bound to happen. I was prepared to make things work I was prepared, I listened, I was there.
But there was something else?
Or someone else?