31days

I see a bird.

I see a bird
She
says no word
She
stands alone
She
Hops along

I see a bird
She
Has blue feathers
She
Is in the sunrise
She
Hops onto the side

I see a bird
She
opens her wings
she
only has one wing
she
can’t get in
she
tries to fly
she
could almost die
she is just a bird.

I see a stranger
She
Comes to get the bird
She
takes her home
She
Is gone for long:

I see a bird
She
Is in a pear tree
She
Has a song
She
Sings along
She

I see a bird
she
Spreads her wings
she
Has blue tips
She
Jumps along.

I see a bird
She
goes off and flys
She
Didn’t die
She
Is alive.

I was anxious- part 25 – I gave you back your clothes.

It was Thursday and you was at work. I was in town going to primark, on my own. I was wearing my yellow coat, hair pinned, makeup on. I wasn’t going to let what brought me down stop me taking care of myself.

Plus if you see me looking fine then it’s all fine.

You had been avoiding me and you vanished.

You left some clothes at mine I offered to help clean and dry because you dont have a working washing machine.

You didn’t bother to collect them.

Pretty sloppy really.

You was like oh right “hi” and “thankyou” you then followed me out of the door and said “so, you got any plans then” you nearly got me teared up I mean you fucking vanished POOF and then your asking me if I had plans.

“No. Not really.”

“You not seeing your friend”

“No not heard off them”

“Oh right”

“Not got uni?”

I just said I was going and said bye, you was stood leaning on the door. It was like some stupidly soppy romance film that had gone terribly wrong.

It was a haunting moment. You actually looked sad.

The next week I realised you left your charger. I mean you said it’s fine keep it but I really didn’t want any pieces of you left behind. How is it fair that I have to live with reminders but you can go about your daily life not giving a shit.

I went through town after counselling to return it.

I was stood for a little bit and I sort of thought you knew I was there but ignored me.

I said I will leave it on the till then.

You just said ‘ok thanks then Lil’ and sat back down. You had grown a massive beard.

I haven’t been back since haven’t even walked in that area. The thought of it makes me want to be sick.

You had a carseat and I said I was in no rush. Since what fecking use of it is to me when I have no car.

I said leave it at our friends I will get it at some point. It ended up with a friend of a friend. I actually thought you’d bring it back after the party.

You was in a rush you wanted me out as much as I wanted you out. Maybe?

Party.

It was it was our friends birthday party and I said I wasn’t sure at first if I should go but you said it would be ok maybe awkward at first.

I wasnt planning on staying long I had a gift and needed to drop it off.

Then I realised a whole conversation was happening without me behind closed doors.

That was low.

So, I wasn’t allowed to go to the party in the end.

& that was that, everything had been returned to where it should have been at least in smaller areas.

I was anxious – part 24 – the end

You’ll be glad to read that I’m almost at the end of the I was anxious series.

With me you have seen my vision of what I thought was a truely great blossoming relationship turn into nothing.

People are amazing actors, and its cruel for some of us who believe there is kindness in many and most to learn that is not always the truth.

Like I said before because of the situation and circumstance it would have been nice to hear your story, your opinion, you haven’t said a word.

At the very worst even civil friendship for the sake of the friendship group we had formed.

But whatever.

Your loss. Right?

My conscious is clear I apologised to you,I tried to reach out and speak about stuff and you ignored me.

I was anxious-Part 23- theres always rain after a storm.

For the best part things seemed to be bubbling over for me mentally.

In reflection Summer greated us with tremendous thunder storms. I remember you texting me one evening when you went round the corner to play warhammer games with a friend.

The lightening was so bright and the thunder was a beautiful drumming sound echoing throughout the night.

Perhaps there where no faults lying anywhere, perhaps this was a huge mistake and you wished you hadn’t have met me.

There are so many things I wont ever know, things I wont understand and probably more incidents like this to come.

I told you I sensed rain fall, I bought a new coat incase.

Then 1 month of rain in 24 hours fell, leading to flooding in Doncaster and Wales.

I met you, greated you with a rainbow, stunning summer ray’s, then a storm and now the rain.

I have to deal with things, I’m not sure how long it will take for me to repair things caused by excessive rainfall, such as the tears and hurt and upset.

As for the people coping with the actual flooding I really do hope the rain stops.

Too much rain on both terms is bad for anyone.

I’ve been so low, I have been bed bound with tonsillitis and fever 3 nights. 3rd outbreak this year.

There is no chance hearing from you, and I suppose that’s fine. I feel so much better being able to talk to someone the readers, and comments from them. People are kind in unfamiliar ways.

Maybe this wasn’t a summer love story like most people like and hope. But yet another challenge for my mental health and self esteem to overcome.

I was anxious-part 19-It was Friday

It was Friday and you had been let down again from seeing the girls.

We managed to get over most of the hurdles we faced during the middle.

We spoke a bit more and we was on a good page with one another.

I wanted to surprise you treat you.

We was both wearing jumpers that looked the same which made me giggle, we was alike and it was nice.

I like being around people who are alike and can relate.

You had no idea but I wanted to get out of the house, things where getting you down and I could tell.

So we went out for dinner and I bought you whatever you fancied.

You was telling me about the foods you liked and enjoyed and said you would show me how to cook them and could make my own versions I wanted to make, for what I was able to eat.

Fridays where strange you finished earlier on a Friday then what you would on a Wednesday and Thursday.

You would remind me this every week.

I tried to cheer you up help you understand that it probably isn’t personal at all and you kept telling me how worried you was that maybe the kids wouldnt want to know you the older they became.

I said that wouldn’t be likely and that kids that age like seeing their friends and not hanging out with their parents.

It meant alot to you and I respected that and you agreed to just try and keep communicating.

You was proud that you was able to maintain a mutural set up with you ex said that you knew that to some people would think that was really weird but I didnt think that.

Not when kids are involved and if it was ended on a basis where you both came to agreements with things then that’s really positive and I think that if people can put their differences aside it makes it easier for everyone.

Life is too short to be arguing all the time and making things difficult for one another.

Why was I any different?

I was the meaningless jigsaw piece.

Maybe it was because we wasn’t talking for a massive amount of time but it felt like I had known you for years. I felt like we just clicked, I couldn’t have imagined anything like this ever happening.

At the very worst I would have thought we would have been friends.

The further I come from this, the more time alone I have, the less it feels like that was even my life.

Its strange it feels now like a wandering dream.

Unreal.

People keep bringing up your name and I really don’t know what to say, there are so many things that I don’t know.

I hold my hands up and I apologise, I ask what it was that I did and you never reply. 

People say that, that’s because you don’t want to know and the quicker I notice this the easier and better the outcome will be for me.

Maybe something awful happened maybe something happened that you cant tell me about, maybe the truth is you are back with your ex and that’s why you said that people thought it was weird.

Maybe someone said something about me or maybe someone said that I said something about you.

Maybe your sick, or maybe my reaction to you calling me your ex’s name really did piss you off.

Maybe the poem following that pissed you off, maybe you thought some poems I shared where about you.

I’m not sure. I’m not certain.

As I said before in the other parts we never had a row, we didn’t have an argument and it was all left on a really bizzare note.

It was Tuesday and you came over after work you was a bit grumpy as was I and I felt really off unwell, it wasn’t you I was just tired from the school runs after school and starting university.

Maybe you felt that because I was at University that we had different paths, but really that wasn’t your choice to make.

You made choices that week that I didn’t understand and choices I made you didn’t understand.

It was Wednesday and you offered to help with the school runs it was fine. But then that’s when you called me your ex’s name.

Nothing was said about it in the moment. I was in shock because it was a little bit random and first thing, but I just said I needed to think about it I never said I was angry.

I said I needed some space and maybe see you at the weekend since you work late on Wednesdays and Thursdays.

To you this was overreacting, to me it was having time to think about it.

For both of us.

It was Thursday and I hadn’t really heard from you from the Wednesday morning, you used to ask if you could call me, you would text me every 8am saying hey with a waving emoji and say good morning.

All of this was dissolving. 

I needed to do something in town and you work in  town and I thought it would have been nice to say hello and surprise you.

You didn’t like this you didn’t let me in and you  told me there and then abruptly that you did not like surprises.

I couldn’t look at you.

I felt like there was something you was hiding not telling me and I was getting worried.

I really didn’t think that it was worth being this big a deal and wanted to resolve things.

People may think otherwise but honestly all I ever do is to try and resolve things, it makes it easier and better for everyone.

You was cold.

I had never seen you behave so cold.

Ever.

Saturday came and it was the first ever Saturday I had had without the kids since moving in and it was a great chance to talk and try and resolve things.

You finshed work at 5pm on a Saturday but for whatever reason you chose to stay on and not speak to me until half 7 almost 8.

You couldn’t look at me you was just looking at the floor and having cig after cig.

Saying words and not finishing the sentences.

I had seen this look before on my children when they knew they had done something wrong but there wasn’t really anything that big.

I didn’t want you to feel bad.

I just was confused.

You looked so pale and unwell it was unsettling.

You was saying words like ‘look’ and ‘and..’ ‘maybe’ and not really saying much at all, whilst the steam from your cup of tea was floating off into the garden.

I asked you if you didn’t want to talk or see me anymore, and you said ‘oh no of course not its not that’ and then started talking about having a sched.

You said that you wasn’t happy with my reaction in the week and I upset you  coming too see you before work. I apologised.

Next thing we went to the bar where you had first come to see me after a poetry night that had finished.

It made me think so much that in the beginning  you did the exact same thing to me you came to see me with no notice, you contacted me and came round and you was persuing me.

I did not act the way that you was.

It didn’t stop you continuing the night and continuing to have drinks with me and a laugh and tell me how nice I looked and how lucky you thought you was.

It didn’t stop you taking me across the road into another bar and continue to talk to me for another 3 hours.

We was in Pave and we spoke about your parents your family.

We spoke about your experiance at university.

We spoke about christmas and we spoke about what your family may have thought about us talking and you was happy and you said that they would be happy and it would have been nice for me to meet them.

You told me in such great detail about the things that you had been though.

We then spoke about filming and films you had been involved in making and ones that you wanted to do.

I told you about the book that I was writing and you told me about what you was writing and that you seeing me write made you want to grow that passion again. 

Your phone died and you kept hinting.

I didnt know what you was on about.

You went off to the toilet and I glared down at my phone and saw the message.

YOU said that you was having such an amazing night.

Last orders.

Sainsbury’s was shut  and its never shut so we went to the garage because we wanted more cigs.

I hadn’t really eaten much so I got drunk a little bit easier than normal.

…..

We got back to mine and I put some music on I said that we never got chance to dance at spiders that night and maybe we should try it again sometime.

I may have been drunk but I remember everything.

You didn’t want to talk you was all affectionate.

Sunday.

You took me to F&B we had a meal and it was a rip off, I did try and pre-warn you but it felt like you wanted to treat me or spend time with me maybe.

We was umming and arring about what we should do as we was hanging a little bit from the pub drinking.

It was 3pm and you was grumpy tired and you started to stop looking at me again. I felt unhappy even though it had been so nice talking and everything.

It was 3pm and you started going on about needing to use the laundrette and that you needed to go home and get some sleep so I said sure whatever it takes for you to go and be ok.

My feelings was never considered in your scenarios, you went home and you didn’t message me.

It was Monday and I didn’t hear anything, you didn’t mention the weekend and you didn’t ask if I was ok.

It was Tuesday and I just started saying to friends that I think its done because I hadn’t had  converstaion with you.

It was Wednesday and you said that you could come over after work to talk but it would have been late and I had a massive stone inside my stomach that was stopping me from eating thinking and sleeping. I didn’t want to accept that maybe you had used me over the weekend.

It was Thursday and people started asking questions and asking if I was sure and I didnt know what to tell anyone.

It was Friday.

It was Saturday

Sunday

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

It was Friday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was anxious- part 10 another month 1st November

I put bird feed out for the birds, but we all know it attracts the rats.

Stand in the garden and all I can hear is loud sirens from the ambulances and police cars.

Living in the city is loud.

I could really do with a hug.

Tiger has been growing her winter coat and I know you didn’t like cats, but she rubbed off on you. Literally, she would push her furry skin up against you and you took her on for the short time you was about.

You would bring her a box of cat food and use the kids bowls to feed her. I was really anxious about that because I didn’t want to get bowls mixed up again and feed the kids cat flavoured coco pops. #nevermind

I loved it when you looked at me with pure innocence but we both knew there was no innocence left inside those eyes.

You was telling me things you hadn’t been telling yourself and things you hadn’t been telling others.

Distance wasn’t about to make the heart grow fonder it was about to break them apart in to tiny teeny pieces.

You haunt me with you words like “mush, mush” and your causal shrug of “sure”. I didn’t want to admit it but I looked up on things you liked because I wanted to get to know you more and understand deep inside your world.

People say I want to have that role of being someone’s saviour but I actually enjoyed the concept of having people around me willing to try and help and save me.

Little things like folding the clothes doing the pots and being interested, invested.

I liked it when you was about to tell me something really kind but then filled in the gaps with “mush, mush”.

#hopelessromantic

You was in your element at least, I thought you was and you wanted to be in my crazy world as much as I wanted to be in yours.

But things changed and I don’t cope well with sudden changes. That’s what you said to me and I felt the same, always felt the same.

It was hard adjusting to having a huge 3 bed house with a drive to being in a little tiny box house with barely any room to swing the cat. Then being back in a fairly huge house again with a garden. If your confused then please go back to other parts of I was anxious.

The space was made up with good company from my neighbour who I also knew from going to school with. I really miss hanging out with her and catching up.

This year has been a significant year for many.

I had mice coming in the front part of the house and it was really handy having a cat about to catch them.

Maybe things I shouldn’t be worrying about. In the end I found it fairly amusing pleasing, thinking wow I’m pretty lucky I have such a loyal cat that’s prepared to fight off these mice.

I’m pretty lucky that I have such a fun loving friend who was there for me whlist I was really struggling with living in that house. I even thought to myself at one point I was prepared to stay there and save for the sake of having a friend next door.

People are kind and sometimes they’re kind in unfamiliar ways.

It’s people like her and you and even you and people like him and my best friend and best friend from college and close friend from Instagram. The children then cat my family, the generous people at my university, hell even moody cow in herons made me happy. High days felt amazing and I needed no cigarettes, no alcohol or money.

That made me want to continue my life.

I was anxious – part 6 I’m sorry

So, I can’t remember precisely how many days have gone. Weeks have passed, maybe it’s not that many.

Almost 2 months maybe, time became less important it just happened I know I don’t have control over it so it just carry’s on happening.

It’s almost Halloween and I even ordered a stupid corset, incase we all did go out as a group, it arrived a month ago, I havent even tried it on, I didn’t see the point. I haven’t bothered with decorations baking this year, because I just feel as though my spirits have been dropped.

So much so I don’t think I will even bother buying Christmas decorations I don’t have a tree or anything it was left behind in the house I left. I know I know it’s for the kids.

I’ve moved 3 times this year it’s been difficult. So when you mentioned looking for a bigger house it threw me off. Another grand gesture, I got my head round it then in the last week or so you sort of just slowly stopped talking to me and that’s the point where we are at.

My mum believes there’s no reasoning to it, that your a coward and perhaps it’s because you wasn’t interested after all.

I think there’s more to it but maybe that’s because I partly blame myself for most things.

It probably didn’t help that I deleted you but my logic was it would trigger you to call me or something.

Nothing happened, I have sent messages but you just ignore me. I know your around because of the other things that happened shortly after and you was talking to my friend. But why couldn’t you talk to me?

My theory is your scared, don’t give a fuck, couldn’t careless, there’s another woman involved, you moved on immediately or I imagined the whole thing.

The thing is the truth always comes out, always and everyone is a liar.

You may not be surprised to learn but I am. I was going into this with my head straight. Why I asked questions like what we wanted, and little bits of future. I didn’t think you was a liar and I still dont think you are but I have nothing nothing at all to believe otherwise.

That’s why I’m stuck. Completely stuck. I keep moving forward but you hold me back unintentionally, with out knowing.

We had more good days then bad infact we only had one bad day , ok maybe two. But bad days are bound to happen. I was prepared to make things work I was prepared, I listened, I was there.

But there was something else?

Or someone else?

I’m sorry

I was anxious-part 4

The first time I saw you vulnerable, and this time I’m talking about a different you, but again I can’t and wont mention your name but not because I care about you, but because I know what you’ve been doing and I’m not scared of you but I dont like what you’ve been doing.

So for the benefit of the story.

I will call you Lucas, it’s a better name for you anyway your actual name is starting to make me want to wretch everytime I say it.

Lucas.

The first time I saw you vulnerable was on a weekday, the start of 2014. I randomly got hold of a babysitter aka mum, you must have finished or been off work that day.

It was pretty early in the day, I called you up to see if you fancied a drink.

Why am I mentioning this now?

Well, I said I hadn’t had a date before and I dont think I had, I didn’t class this as a date because I organised this myself.

We went to the new pizza place bar on the corner of Alexandra Avenue, yes thats right Lucas you can accuse me of being heartless but I have an amazing memory, why would I want to completely erase parts of my history?

I feel like we forget that we are not computers, we are not facebook messenger, we dont just erase things like messages and images, block and remove, you know pretend like it never happend.

Because that’s what you did didn’t you Lucas, you ran away and you didn’t face the music. Just like you would with all the other people who meant something one point in your life.

Perhaps the first you I discussed in the first parts can relate. Just the difference is he was 20 and this was almost 6 years ago.

So we was sat outside and you didnt have any money, I didnt really have any money, I was 18 year old single mum, college student, living off income support and even now that doesnt exist.

I bought you half a pint if I remember correctly.

You was wearing broken glasses, you had messy sheep hair and you was all honestly a state. That didnt bother me you needed me and maybe I needed you and it was nice to share part of my story with you.

Even though I felt like you wasn’t even there half the time, maybe because you wasnt, you was too fixated in other things.

But for the time being you was sat in front of me and I was sat in front of you.

You told me you didnt like your voice, and I said dont be silly it’s fine. Basically your excuse was you sounded like a dumb kid, and you thought it was from the drugs.

I suggested you had a break or something, you was in a bad way maybe at this moment in time you was going through an horrific breakup? I didnt really know because you didnt tell me?

It wasn’t until I saw her figure go past my door a handful of times

I didn’t realise I knew the girl, or should I say knew of the girl. She was a talented artist in school, quiet, shy, vulnerable. She’d been in my class, I’d seen her and a few of her friends get bullied and she had seen me be bullied. But we never really said anything we wasn’t friends , we just knew we was bullied and studied art in the same class.

I felt bad I wish I spoke to her, I really wish I got her story. That would have been an interesting one to hear.

Anyway, she probably thought I purposely was out to seek you to spite her, how if I had no idea?

So you guys still was hooking up, or smoking joints. I cant ever think who got who addicted? I don’t think you treated her the best if I’m honest. But credit to you, you visited her when she was sick and you contacted her when you wasnt together. You wasnt the kind of guy who wanted his dick wet, so I assumed it was probably mainly about drugs, possibly loneliness.

But with me 3 years on, no, no, no, we have a son and I could of died and you still didnt even get in contact. I was going though absolute hell, and if I wasnt already physically sick, I was close to mentally calling it a day and that’s happend more than I’m proud of.

But we are not here to talk about me, that will come, this is mainly about all of yous.

It’s not a blame bible or anything, I’m just writing to understand what’s happened. Too many people gossip and that’s not fun, gossip is ignorance of the truth.

Bullies never fade, you think you spend all you high school days praying for the day it will end and it ends. Only to reach adult maturity to learn it never fucking ends. And thanks to facebook it is always there, forever, and if it’s not posted on their timelines it’s inside thier inboxes.

That’s right people are two faced, and extremely two faced. They slag you off call you names in your other friends inboxes.

That’s what you showed me Lucas, your friends still bully me and we haven’t even been together for almost 4 years.

You didnt defend me then and you don’t defend me now.

That’s fine. At least because that rule has to end was you break up? Right?

Wrong, why cant people just be nice to one another after breakups or at least try and be civil. I would be embarrassed if people wrote things about you now to try and hurt you.

But just so you know, I never experienced depression as dark as I have since all of it. Even every now and again I see flashes of abusive words and phrases said about me on Facebook.

Do you know how hard that is to live with?

Image by Curtis Wiklund

I was anxious – part 2

It was Tuesday and you’d gone back to work, you couldn’t believe how quick the weekend had gone. Like me you’d had a pretty slow and fucking boring year. Probably like me, looking into the fridge and searching the cupboards thinking ‘Fuck, I can’t be bothered to make another meal for just myself’, and again like me for 6 month grueling with no internet searching the insides of your brain thinking about what to do, walking around in your boxers scratching your bollocks eating leftover burger cheese slices from your birthday bag, wait, I haven’t got to your birthday, yet.

I don’t know why you got embarrassed I do precisly the same, I randomly eat cheese strings since the re-introdution from my close friends kids, I forgot cheese strings even existed. I mean I know I can’t scratch any balls, but if I could I totally would.

If you wasn’t then i’m sorry for the comparisons, and anyway don’t be embarrassed no one even knows who you are or who the hell im talking about. You don’t even know who you are because your not even reading this, and if you do read this and it upsets you then I am really sorry, but you knew I was a writer and you shouldn’t fall in love with writers, right?

That’s if that even happend, and also how would I even know anything, I know nothing. I know that your pissed off, and hate my writings so I may as well just carry on with the story for the benefit of the people who are still here, and who enjoy my writing.

It just seemed like to me that we had way too much in common, in a really great freaky friday way.

The date went down well and that’s all that people wanted to hear, I told my friend that I was really starting to like you, I told my other friend that I was really fucking unsure and scared mainly because I knew that if I developed emotions further, I knew I would be ripped in half to lose you.

Equally I wanted to spend my free time with you, and with them, even though things where changing for them too which meant free time doesn’t and wasn’t really happening much for anyone.

Perhaps it was wrong of me to speak to them before you, but I was just too worried and for that I’m sorry.

You knew I was a writer so you can’t look at me and expect this not to happen, I can’t spend another 5 years guessing the fuck out of my mistakes and wondering why. But I can write on a wordpress blog with barely any viewers and get it off my chest.

Literally I have been having crushing chest pains since I woke up, I’m hoping it will just pass I think that my iron tablets giving me stomach pains.

You was deflated that it was Tuesday but it was soon to be your birthday in a couple of weeks and that’s all that mattered. I recognised it was a tough month and I respected that for you because I cared about you. I’m not going to share that with anyone because I actually really do respect you.

Didn’t let that get us down we carried on with the week and it was great.

The second date came around and we went to go see a film, it was fun and I really enjoyed it. I was really anxious when we was there because I know what people say about dates at the cinema, snogging and touchy feeling, I felt like a big kid a teenager. Daft and silly.

I was all ready to get cosy and really bringing the courage up to kiss you this time, but you got up out your seat and went off to buy coffee. I’m an anxious person ok. I notice that most people probably won’t care if their first kiss with someone was snotty or smelly or something but I wanted this to be nice and I wanted you to think it was nice. You didn’t know this you probably just thought I was being freakishly shy or something.

It was a long film, fun, we had another evening together. Took me home and I just remember us talking about the film and having a cup of tea, you was stood in the garden just about to have a cig, and then you looked at me and gave me a really big hug.

Things where amazing perfect, and things started to go so quick

I lose track of time and some of my memory gets jumbled like I’ve been hit across the head at this point.

I look at you and I’m stood on the step of the back door half on half off wobbling.

You say you need to tell me something and we wasn’t drinking or drunk at this point so I was a little bit worried, I’d already thought about this the last time you said you needed to tell me something and I really wanted to hold on just a little longer because my fears, my terrible anxious logic was the quicker things where going, the quicker I was to losing you, I didn’t think 3 months on I’d be thinking the same thing, reflecting on the same thoughts, why am I so surprised if I thought these things before they even happend, did I set myself up to fail?

I know you guys are reading this and thinking what the fuck, but this is inside my brain, overactive overthinking and apparently incapable of receiving and keeping love.

You said it ‘I love you’ you said, you would have said it sooner but didn’t want to or wasn’t sure and I was shocked and anxious and crazy out my mind happy.

Letters you’ll never see 28th October 2019

Dear,

Theres no point writing your name because I know now for sure. I mean if I wrote your name it would surely just cause problems and people wouldnt understand.

I’ve decided that maybe it is time again to resubmit back into the lettersyoullneversee.

I started writing letters and poems in 2015, after almost 5 years of text messaging and ‘accidental bumps’ I had noone to talk to noone to confess to, my only and close friend was connected to me via a simple hello every month or so in the format of text messages. Followed by a brief update of how life was going.

It’s horrible now that’s come to a vast end. I never intend to cause any upset, I tend to often feel in the way of people and what’s happening. I tend to almost feel as if in living in a double life.

I remember when I was a primary school student and I was having a talk with my counsellor after school, my dad made space in the middle room for me to talk to them. I hated them I hated that they pestered me stopped me going off and playing, being a normal kid, evidently I wasnt a normal kid or my dad would have never gone to the lengths of paying for someone to talk to me. Didnt work.

I told her about this double life I felt I had , one with my mum one with my dad, separate, different hard to adjust.

I was told that was an incorrect. But I think as a child there was no really wrong or right way to think.

I realise I may have been selfish, you my have seen me as needy and now yet again I’ve lost someone who I truely connected with. No amount of pitty partying will change anything now and no amount of letters will correct anything.

But maybe these letters are not only to you but to myself, letters I wish I read time before now.

Sincerely,

Lilyth Rebecca Ophilea Coglan

P.s

I hate telling the DWP my whole name when I have to go through security. It feels degrading.

I haven’t been honest with myself

Everything’s fucked up,

I mean look at the fucking government!

Who the fuck had the authority,

To call me up and question me,

Why I write poetry ?

Why I write poetry ?

Who the fuck.

I haven’t been honest with myself,

I mean look at the state of my house,

I couldn’t afford draws,

Theres furniture I couldnt afford,

Lived with a mattress on the floor,

Whilst pregnant ,

They called me a whore,

He controlled my every move,

But fuck it I shouldnt have to prove,

They tell me I dont deserve kids,

They tell me I should be dead because of him,

I look around I see,

Homeless , drunk, and disorderly,

People sleeping in bin liners,

Defecating on the streets,

People Raping people behind bins,

Pulling out knives,

People dying in,

The streets they’ve been born and raised in,

I haven’t been honest with myself,

They tell me that I shouldnt have kids,

They tell me I better close my legs,

Like I’ve been giving out myself,

They say I’m a cunt and I’m a slag,

I dont deserve kids,

Hes the one who got up and walked out,

Hes the one who said he wanted to start,

A family.

I’ve haven’t been honest with myself,

Who the hell pushes someone to the edge,

Uses sex as farewell,

This is Hull its starting to get colder,

Please tell me there is more out there,

Before I end it all because I wont care,

Hull daily mail will exploit you,

Surround the hounds to destroy you,

Call you names and down you,

To the ground and drown you,

This is Hull.

1st of August 2013 Letter 1 : “it should of been me”

“It should of been me”
1st of August 2013

Dear…

Hello, we’re half way there in one of my dads friends car.

First day without Bella away from home, I haven’t travelled very far in about 4 years. There isn’t too much to talk about on the way although there probably should have been.

It was nice just looking out of the car window at the scenery, something other than Hull.

I’m 18 and today I’m feeling very confused about the whole day. I was told to dress colourful. I didn’t really get a great chance to know her all that well. I felt like I knew her slightly. I remember being told to leave her alone there where a few words and I was ushered to the side.

She always said I was welcome to talk to her so I don’t know why dad didn’t like that.

It was only last month that I was told she was sick. I can’t believe now that she’s actually gone.

11:40

We’ve just arrived with a few hours to spare, I haven’t seen him in a year so I was excited to see him again. Although I realised this wasn’t a family reunion.

11:54

My dad walked over didn’t really say much , still looked the same, still pacing around on edge, still absent but understandable more so today out of all days. He walked me around the village and the place he had been staying. She always had an eye for beautiful fascinating decorations, I remembered dad telling me one of the first things about her, that she loved being creative and making stained glass windows.

12:45

Dad was trembling whilst getting ready for church “what have I done?” He said I didn’t know what he was on about. “What do you mean ? You’ve done the best you could have” I responded.

He opened the cupboard and boxes and tubs and bottles of pills fell out onto the floor. It was all the medication she needed to help her whilst she was unwell.

“I went to get the prescriptions, I gave her the medicine , it should have been me!” He explained. He then went on to say that he had enough pills left to finish it all. I could tell he was hurting and clearly needed help I didn’t know what to say as his 18 year old daughter.

It wasn’t his fault and I told him that it wasn’t the medication it would have been the cancer, he did all he could have done.

1pm

Everyone was arriving now, I was told to dress in colourful clothes.

Everyone else was in black.