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Do you remember the fall?

I’ve seen it all,

I’ve seen you,

Putting my makeup on and you stand around me.

Tell me you think I’m pretty without it and theres no need.

Glancing up at the bathroom mirror.

And I see you stand there.

You remember the fall?

It was harder than the autumn.

Harsher than the winter

Do you remember falling ?

Intoxicated no heels to be ahead of,

Pulling scruffs of little pieces of fluff from the arm of your tops, from the knots in the trousers.

Passing the mints across from my lips to your mouth in a kiss that was supposed to be a peck but turned into a snog.

Appreciating every crease and crinkle running my finger along them all.

Till night bed comes and we fall.

Do you remember it at all?

Do you remember the fall?

Do you remember the fall?

I notice that it’s too late and time has been a part of reassurance for you. I realise that maybe your face it changed and I took a piece for you. Perhaps just like you I think its fate and it’s taken a toll.

Let them hear me screaming nonsense, let them search and guess, leave them clueless.

Fall,

Rubber ball

I should probably go out

But I don’t feel there’s anywhere to go

That I belong

And I did this once or twice before

Then I had people knocking at the door

All I’d give is to be alone

But at the same time to be at the other end of your phone

Just so I could see if you see all my replies

Or ignore me and pump me up with lies

My body bursts and aches from your deceit

Should I at last hold up my hands in defeat

My body it weeps

Blown away by the cold air not long ago

I take each day more vitamins than you know

And why do I keep fighting

When I don’t know what I’m fighting for

You mention my health but you really don’t see

This is now pain you’ve inflicted on me

It makes no sense

No sense at all

Im done fed up of being your rubber ball.

Rainbow fuel

Hope

Grows amongst the ivory

Snaking up the walls

Hope

hides in dandelions

Under spider crawls

Hidden in the pumpkin patches

Beneath the conker tree

Laying beneath the palm

of the frozen leaves

Fogs, inside the air, of a warm breath on winter’s eve

Sparkles in the star light

The underbelly of the city

The cat eyes on the motorway

Lolly lick and popsicle stick

Candy floss and green gray moss.

A mixture of impurities

Hope lays hidden inside of these

Unexpected

Under the muck in your nails

Under the slugs and the snails

Puddles of rain water and fuel combine an illusion of rainbows…

I was anxious- part 25 – I gave you back your clothes.

It was Thursday and you was at work. I was in town going to primark, on my own. I was wearing my yellow coat, hair pinned, makeup on. I wasn’t going to let what brought me down stop me taking care of myself.

Plus if you see me looking fine then it’s all fine.

You had been avoiding me and you vanished.

You left some clothes at mine I offered to help clean and dry because you dont have a working washing machine.

You didn’t bother to collect them.

Pretty sloppy really.

You was like oh right “hi” and “thankyou” you then followed me out of the door and said “so, you got any plans then” you nearly got me teared up I mean you fucking vanished POOF and then your asking me if I had plans.

“No. Not really.”

“You not seeing your friend”

“No not heard off them”

“Oh right”

“Not got uni?”

I just said I was going and said bye, you was stood leaning on the door. It was like some stupidly soppy romance film that had gone terribly wrong.

It was a haunting moment. You actually looked sad.

The next week I realised you left your charger. I mean you said it’s fine keep it but I really didn’t want any pieces of you left behind. How is it fair that I have to live with reminders but you can go about your daily life not giving a shit.

I went through town after counselling to return it.

I was stood for a little bit and I sort of thought you knew I was there but ignored me.

I said I will leave it on the till then.

You just said ‘ok thanks then Lil’ and sat back down. You had grown a massive beard.

I haven’t been back since haven’t even walked in that area. The thought of it makes me want to be sick.

You had a carseat and I said I was in no rush. Since what fecking use of it is to me when I have no car.

I said leave it at our friends I will get it at some point. It ended up with a friend of a friend. I actually thought you’d bring it back after the party.

You was in a rush you wanted me out as much as I wanted you out. Maybe?

Party.

It was it was our friends birthday party and I said I wasn’t sure at first if I should go but you said it would be ok maybe awkward at first.

I wasnt planning on staying long I had a gift and needed to drop it off.

Then I realised a whole conversation was happening without me behind closed doors.

That was low.

So, I wasn’t allowed to go to the party in the end.

& that was that, everything had been returned to where it should have been at least in smaller areas.

I was anxious – part 24 – the end

You’ll be glad to read that I’m almost at the end of the I was anxious series.

With me you have seen my vision of what I thought was a truely great blossoming relationship turn into nothing.

People are amazing actors, and its cruel for some of us who believe there is kindness in many and most to learn that is not always the truth.

Like I said before because of the situation and circumstance it would have been nice to hear your story, your opinion, you haven’t said a word.

At the very worst even civil friendship for the sake of the friendship group we had formed.

But whatever.

Your loss. Right?

My conscious is clear I apologised to you,I tried to reach out and speak about stuff and you ignored me.

I was anxious-Part 23- theres always rain after a storm.

For the best part things seemed to be bubbling over for me mentally.

In reflection Summer greated us with tremendous thunder storms. I remember you texting me one evening when you went round the corner to play warhammer games with a friend.

The lightening was so bright and the thunder was a beautiful drumming sound echoing throughout the night.

Perhaps there where no faults lying anywhere, perhaps this was a huge mistake and you wished you hadn’t have met me.

There are so many things I wont ever know, things I wont understand and probably more incidents like this to come.

I told you I sensed rain fall, I bought a new coat incase.

Then 1 month of rain in 24 hours fell, leading to flooding in Doncaster and Wales.

I met you, greated you with a rainbow, stunning summer ray’s, then a storm and now the rain.

I have to deal with things, I’m not sure how long it will take for me to repair things caused by excessive rainfall, such as the tears and hurt and upset.

As for the people coping with the actual flooding I really do hope the rain stops.

Too much rain on both terms is bad for anyone.

I’ve been so low, I have been bed bound with tonsillitis and fever 3 nights. 3rd outbreak this year.

There is no chance hearing from you, and I suppose that’s fine. I feel so much better being able to talk to someone the readers, and comments from them. People are kind in unfamiliar ways.

Maybe this wasn’t a summer love story like most people like and hope. But yet another challenge for my mental health and self esteem to overcome.

I was anxious part 22 Spiders night club.

It was Sunday and I was about to wake up and recover from a pretty heavy hangover.

I hadn’t stayed out at anyones house since I was 19.

I wasn’t about to make a habit either, I couldn’t tell if you was embarrassed that I stayed or just drunk. This is the part where things seemed ok but got a bit awkward.

We was sat in the night club and I was on your knee with your arms wrapped around me. Beams of lights flashed all around, up and down, side to side. Music played and people spoke really loud.

You was patient with me, you knew I was far too upset to talk. You brushed my tears aside and said ‘oh Lil’ and said that it was upsetting to see me so upset. You didn’t get impatient with me and shout. I honestly thought you loved me cared about me.

I felt like the devil had grabbed my ankles, swung me backwards and dragged me under.

I couldn’t contain my emotions. With you, I felt safe. Constant worry was taking over, the dreaded what ifs and the thoughts I had before I met you was still haunting me.

I remember when I was at college sitting in front of my counsellor , we was speaking about alcohol, as a mood intensifier and revealer. That night the mask had fallen and everyone saw me as a state.

You may have passed it off as being drunk but this is how I felt on a regular basis this was the me you didn’t learn to understand or want to know.

We walked over to the bar and got some water, then went outside into the smokers area where we met another of your friends. He was quite drunk, loud, rude. Come Monday you even agreed with me what he said was a bit much but you never followed it up.

He was saying “Lilly has big titties and likes lots of willy’s” I just thought it was a strange thing to say to someones new girlfriend.

We had a look for your friends that was staying over and you said that I was ok if I stayed as I really wasn’t feeling very well and I didn’t want to go back home on my own.

You handed my some Star Wars pjs insisted I put them on I took the offer on the top but the bottoms where double of my legs. It was cute and strange, most men would have wanted me to strip off would have tried something on but you was different. You respected me and it was a great deal to get used to. I remember drifting off shortly after that listening to people in the living room talk.

Come morning you offered to make people a cup of tea but it had seemed that the milk in the fridge had gone off.

Your friend took me home, asked if I wanted to sit on a carseat first and then dropped off. Another dig at my age and height.

That was the end of the night.

I was anxious-part 19-It was Friday

It was Friday and you had been let down again from seeing the girls.

We managed to get over most of the hurdles we faced during the middle.

We spoke a bit more and we was on a good page with one another.

I wanted to surprise you treat you.

We was both wearing jumpers that looked the same which made me giggle, we was alike and it was nice.

I like being around people who are alike and can relate.

You had no idea but I wanted to get out of the house, things where getting you down and I could tell.

So we went out for dinner and I bought you whatever you fancied.

You was telling me about the foods you liked and enjoyed and said you would show me how to cook them and could make my own versions I wanted to make, for what I was able to eat.

Fridays where strange you finished earlier on a Friday then what you would on a Wednesday and Thursday.

You would remind me this every week.

I tried to cheer you up help you understand that it probably isn’t personal at all and you kept telling me how worried you was that maybe the kids wouldnt want to know you the older they became.

I said that wouldn’t be likely and that kids that age like seeing their friends and not hanging out with their parents.

It meant alot to you and I respected that and you agreed to just try and keep communicating.

You was proud that you was able to maintain a mutural set up with you ex said that you knew that to some people would think that was really weird but I didnt think that.

Not when kids are involved and if it was ended on a basis where you both came to agreements with things then that’s really positive and I think that if people can put their differences aside it makes it easier for everyone.

Life is too short to be arguing all the time and making things difficult for one another.

Why was I any different?

I was the meaningless jigsaw piece.

Maybe it was because we wasn’t talking for a massive amount of time but it felt like I had known you for years. I felt like we just clicked, I couldn’t have imagined anything like this ever happening.

At the very worst I would have thought we would have been friends.

The further I come from this, the more time alone I have, the less it feels like that was even my life.

Its strange it feels now like a wandering dream.

Unreal.

People keep bringing up your name and I really don’t know what to say, there are so many things that I don’t know.

I hold my hands up and I apologise, I ask what it was that I did and you never reply. 

People say that, that’s because you don’t want to know and the quicker I notice this the easier and better the outcome will be for me.

Maybe something awful happened maybe something happened that you cant tell me about, maybe the truth is you are back with your ex and that’s why you said that people thought it was weird.

Maybe someone said something about me or maybe someone said that I said something about you.

Maybe your sick, or maybe my reaction to you calling me your ex’s name really did piss you off.

Maybe the poem following that pissed you off, maybe you thought some poems I shared where about you.

I’m not sure. I’m not certain.

As I said before in the other parts we never had a row, we didn’t have an argument and it was all left on a really bizzare note.

It was Tuesday and you came over after work you was a bit grumpy as was I and I felt really off unwell, it wasn’t you I was just tired from the school runs after school and starting university.

Maybe you felt that because I was at University that we had different paths, but really that wasn’t your choice to make.

You made choices that week that I didn’t understand and choices I made you didn’t understand.

It was Wednesday and you offered to help with the school runs it was fine. But then that’s when you called me your ex’s name.

Nothing was said about it in the moment. I was in shock because it was a little bit random and first thing, but I just said I needed to think about it I never said I was angry.

I said I needed some space and maybe see you at the weekend since you work late on Wednesdays and Thursdays.

To you this was overreacting, to me it was having time to think about it.

For both of us.

It was Thursday and I hadn’t really heard from you from the Wednesday morning, you used to ask if you could call me, you would text me every 8am saying hey with a waving emoji and say good morning.

All of this was dissolving. 

I needed to do something in town and you work in  town and I thought it would have been nice to say hello and surprise you.

You didn’t like this you didn’t let me in and you  told me there and then abruptly that you did not like surprises.

I couldn’t look at you.

I felt like there was something you was hiding not telling me and I was getting worried.

I really didn’t think that it was worth being this big a deal and wanted to resolve things.

People may think otherwise but honestly all I ever do is to try and resolve things, it makes it easier and better for everyone.

You was cold.

I had never seen you behave so cold.

Ever.

Saturday came and it was the first ever Saturday I had had without the kids since moving in and it was a great chance to talk and try and resolve things.

You finshed work at 5pm on a Saturday but for whatever reason you chose to stay on and not speak to me until half 7 almost 8.

You couldn’t look at me you was just looking at the floor and having cig after cig.

Saying words and not finishing the sentences.

I had seen this look before on my children when they knew they had done something wrong but there wasn’t really anything that big.

I didn’t want you to feel bad.

I just was confused.

You looked so pale and unwell it was unsettling.

You was saying words like ‘look’ and ‘and..’ ‘maybe’ and not really saying much at all, whilst the steam from your cup of tea was floating off into the garden.

I asked you if you didn’t want to talk or see me anymore, and you said ‘oh no of course not its not that’ and then started talking about having a sched.

You said that you wasn’t happy with my reaction in the week and I upset you  coming too see you before work. I apologised.

Next thing we went to the bar where you had first come to see me after a poetry night that had finished.

It made me think so much that in the beginning  you did the exact same thing to me you came to see me with no notice, you contacted me and came round and you was persuing me.

I did not act the way that you was.

It didn’t stop you continuing the night and continuing to have drinks with me and a laugh and tell me how nice I looked and how lucky you thought you was.

It didn’t stop you taking me across the road into another bar and continue to talk to me for another 3 hours.

We was in Pave and we spoke about your parents your family.

We spoke about your experiance at university.

We spoke about christmas and we spoke about what your family may have thought about us talking and you was happy and you said that they would be happy and it would have been nice for me to meet them.

You told me in such great detail about the things that you had been though.

We then spoke about filming and films you had been involved in making and ones that you wanted to do.

I told you about the book that I was writing and you told me about what you was writing and that you seeing me write made you want to grow that passion again. 

Your phone died and you kept hinting.

I didnt know what you was on about.

You went off to the toilet and I glared down at my phone and saw the message.

YOU said that you was having such an amazing night.

Last orders.

Sainsbury’s was shut  and its never shut so we went to the garage because we wanted more cigs.

I hadn’t really eaten much so I got drunk a little bit easier than normal.

…..

We got back to mine and I put some music on I said that we never got chance to dance at spiders that night and maybe we should try it again sometime.

I may have been drunk but I remember everything.

You didn’t want to talk you was all affectionate.

Sunday.

You took me to F&B we had a meal and it was a rip off, I did try and pre-warn you but it felt like you wanted to treat me or spend time with me maybe.

We was umming and arring about what we should do as we was hanging a little bit from the pub drinking.

It was 3pm and you was grumpy tired and you started to stop looking at me again. I felt unhappy even though it had been so nice talking and everything.

It was 3pm and you started going on about needing to use the laundrette and that you needed to go home and get some sleep so I said sure whatever it takes for you to go and be ok.

My feelings was never considered in your scenarios, you went home and you didn’t message me.

It was Monday and I didn’t hear anything, you didn’t mention the weekend and you didn’t ask if I was ok.

It was Tuesday and I just started saying to friends that I think its done because I hadn’t had  converstaion with you.

It was Wednesday and you said that you could come over after work to talk but it would have been late and I had a massive stone inside my stomach that was stopping me from eating thinking and sleeping. I didn’t want to accept that maybe you had used me over the weekend.

It was Thursday and people started asking questions and asking if I was sure and I didnt know what to tell anyone.

It was Friday.

It was Saturday

Sunday

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

It was Friday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You was anxious-part 15- one of those things

The thing is, things seem to happen to people and they just keep on happening.

It’s not your fault. It’s not karma sometimes theres just no explanation, it’s one of those things.

Mostly.

It’s harder when people cut your off stop communicating. When things happen that no one could foresee.

I really wish I could write about dragons and flying unicorns.

But it’s not like that.

The world is real and the world doesn’t give a fuck about you. The longer you ignore things the worse things become. No one taught me this I learnt this, I’ve seen it.

I’ve seen peoples relationships become destroyed because of peoples selfish behaviours.

You don’t have to change just be more mindful of people around you. Thats what my counsellor says.

She was so shocked and confused when I told her what happend. As was I. I’m looking forward to seeing her after 5 long weeks.

We sit, we talk, we figure things out. Something we was supposed to be doing.

It’s odd that it was ok for you to be seen clingy, but if I behave that way im crazy. There is no #mushmush on the end of my messages. If I was being romantic, it was just too much to take.

You was anxious too.

You had a choice, fight or flight.

I was anxious- Part 14-Just a kiss

I was getting really anxious, we had been talking for a few weeks. We sat together in the living room, I was nervous. I knew it was coming but I couldn’t get my head around it.

I could smell you, feel you, you was a real person.

We flicked through the TV nothing really worth watching and we both both didn’t really want to watch TV anyway.

Not an illusion.

You had feelings, you was feeling, talking, a moving person.

I’d become so accustom to internet interaction.

Faceless conversations, angry outburst, head fucks.

You was you and I was I and there was no one judging us, it was a moment of complete silence, a symphony.

Our collaboration, delicate, ceramic, porcelain.

I was anxious.

Heart palpitating, hands slippery, eyes facing anything but you.

I was scared but also happy.

Trying to tell myself it’s ok, you can trust him.

You can be yourself.

He didn’t take the beard thing too personally I mean, I told him I wasn’t a huge fan, this was not me telling him to shave, or maybe it was, other people have agreed with me they aren’t massive fan on beard snogging. I didn’t want to change him if that was him then that was him.

I mean no one was about to do anything crazy.

When I swung open the door after hearing a little tap on frame.

The beard was, gone.

You may think I didnt notice body language very well for all this time.

Oh boy, I knew.

So, it’s ok.

He was smiling, smirking his little face shined, eyes wide.

Returning to the sofa, I saw his face in the corner of my eyes…

I was anxious – Part 11 – Defence (warning upsetting content)

I was at court that morning to get my little girl home, she was a train journey away from me. I was only 17 and I was going out of my mind, I was losing weight, I couldn’t eat.

Constantly worried about her and what was going on when I wasn’t there. He was only supposed to have her a weekend but he got angry lost control and didn’t return her for a week, didn’t text me to tell me what was happening. I had no choice but to call the police and find out what I could do, this man had been mentally abusing me since I was 15 and attacking me, shoving me, showing me his fist, throughout the whole pregnancy and relationship. It was bad, really bad.

I had no one on my side, my mum didn’t believe me my own father had abandoned me, everyone would say its nothing or think I was making it up. I had one friend when I was pregnant who I don’t talk to now haven’t for 7 years, saw how he was first hand. She was a local hairdresser, it was one of the only places I could go to. I was controlled a great deal and I started to talk about the truths behind closed doors with her, he hated that, I had a friend to slowly confine in and slowly stopped me seeing her too.

I remember when I said I didn’t agree with something and he threatened to put my head through a car window. He said if he even caught me having a cig he would force a full packet down my throat and make me swallow them. I remember him saying one time I needed to be awake when he returned home because he would need sex. There where so many strange remarks and things said but at first never seemed as bad or dangerous.

It wasn’t until 2015 that controlling and coercive behaviour became a new law. Unfortunatly, I was in 2012 and mental abuse in relationships wasn’t really as recognised as it is today.

You never climb into a taxi thinking you will get attacked or mugged, you assume you will be safe. Just the same as you never enter a relationship thinking you will be hurt, and I don’t care what anyone says, mental abuse is extremely damaging.

Not something you can completely erase from your memory.

People assumed because I was young, and had a child, I was stupid. In fact I was the one who seeked a solicitor in the first place to arrange contact arrangements, as I couldn’t cope with doing them on my own without the support and structure. I was studying Law as an A Level and I was learning a huge deal about family law, my teacher happened to be an ex lawyer and would guide me in the right direction if I needed any answers.

My solicitor was sloppy, and the case was terrible. In the end it was the, social services and police that supported me and made sure that things where as safe and normal as possible.

She came back home safe, it was hard to think I let her go. As a mother I have a duty to ensure she is always safe always clean, fed, happy healthy.

Times where hard I was young, college student trying to better my life, yet, the state made it harder for me to do this, and simply designed it in a way where it was difficult to come away from it. There is still little support for parents who study, young people from my experience.

I enjoyed being a single parent at that point, it was fun and although I had the critisims daily and the bad mouthing the horrible comments.

As I have got older it’s just made me think that those people where so bitter and twisted and how sad of a world it is for them, that that’s how they thought and acted.

Judgments from people who had no idea the journey I had gone through or anything at all about me.

I was just automatically brushed as a slut for having her at a young age.

I didn’t think that years and years later I would get these terrible flashbacks, of being pushed onto the mattress on the floor whilst 5 months pregnant.

Pushed and shoved up against walls, if I fell asleep even towards the end of the pregnancy, he would force me awake, he didn’t like me asleep.

There are things I have seen and I have felt and places I have been in situations I have been in I wouldn’t wish my worst enemy to be in.

The further away I got from these bad places I felt as if I had been reborn and given a new life.

My most commented youtube video 💋👉

My head hits the pillow…