benefits mum

hello its me
another benefits mum
another where the fucks my child maintenance?
skint at the end of the week
if i rent a house they need 6 month bank statements
in case i’m dodgy
nothing is private

hello its me
another benefits mum
I’ve had my housing delayed
rent nearly late
I made it
tried to get work
but the childcare cost more than a roof and food combined

Hi its me another benefits mum
apart from i’m always off my bum
i’m walking around these streets day in and out repeatedly
and now i’m
another mum asking another mum for a lump sum
to get some food for the little ones

its me
such a strange life to be
when money is controlling me
trapped in a system
patriarchy
cant break free
politicians put a number on me
like a cow in a field
and the media makes me sound like i am some kind of scum
but its hard i have little ones calling me mum
so i must have a responsibility
but the pressure society puts on me
makes me feel like i cant breathe
people assume its how i want to be
but
i could imagine being anywhere better…..

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Letter 8 Rizlas

August 2005

dear,

I went to the park on my own today, hoody, joggers green NIKE trainers. I didn’t intend to go out and meet anyone, I just wanted to get out as its the summer holidays and they have been so boring this year. I normally just sit with my headphones in from my mp3 player, sometimes playing the boring album. You can only maybe get 1 or 2 albums on at a time and I don’t have that many CDs to start with anyway, maroon 5 is getting a little bit repetitive.

There where these lads here today that came over to me and started talking one was a little round and tried to bike around on top of the chopped up bark flooring, another one sort of skinny and has glasses and the 3rd he was oldest 15 and seemed a bit scruffy. And my god they could have done with a shower.

One of the lads asked what my name was , and I said Lilyth but it took them awhile to get there tounges around it. Asking me why I was on my own and why I’m not playing with anyone, and I tried to explain that no one I know was around here or out.

I got off the swing and went towards the climbing frame and we sat in the under part, away from the rain. The oldest lad was boasting about how he had learned how to roll cigarettes and that he smokes. He was a lot older than me but we didn’t seem to different. I don’t understand why they smelt so bad, I’m guessing that’s puberty or something. Oh, and they started asking if I was single , that was a little awkward.

Anyway the oldest lad was called Luke and he was really cute and I was telling him off saying he shouldn’t be smoking and that he is too young. When he wasn’t looking I took the packet of Green Rizlas off him. He seemed pretty lost I couldn’t help but think that the summer holiday had been a bit tough for him too.

They walked me home.

August 20th

I’ve been at dads all this week, mum said that the boys from the park keep coming to knock for me I told her to give them my number so I could text.

September 3rd

Mum called me today I haven’t been able to see her for some time dads been driving me around all his work places and I’m back at school this week I cant believe they’ve been knocking for so many weeks, I said to her again to give my number then I could text them, she must keep forgetting.

November 9th

Mum said that it is the last time that them lads call for me and she said she told them not to call on me anymore because I don’t live with her. I said it wasn’t my fault I wasn’t asking them to call on me. I feel a little bit sad though, I’ve put the Rizlas in one of my boxes and put it under the bed.

August 2009

I’ve been clearing out my bedroom now that I have to get ready for GCSE work, when I found this small thing of cig papers. I cant believe that I had them in my room for so long.

i’d give love, for arms

right now
I’d do anything
I’d give my self away
just to be heard again

right now
I’d do anything.
I’d steal
I’d beg
I’d plead
just to get this one thing that I need.

right now
I’d be more than happy
to offer, all my life
for love it has no price
not just a sacrifice
leave a sour taste for afterlife
and I know its not much in return
and I don’t think I will ever learn
but I would give my whole
pour all my heart and soul…

I’d give love,
just for your arms.

gone

it’s really starting to hit home
that your gone.. and I’m alone
and I hate this selfish feeling for need,
its unsettling me,
that your gone,
and the memories…
all muddled into one,
become fog,
like we never ever met,
seems wrong,
I hate it,
its horrible,
we can’t and dont talk,
and I go around in circles in my head all day,
telling myself all the bad,
making it sound good.

To the friends at jobcenter; please get a waiting room for families and children.

In February/ March time I was rocky on my feet and needed to start up a new life and new claim , and carry on my journey to attempting to revisit my degree which I hope to be doing later this year. It was 30mph record winds and I had arrived early at the centre with my 7 month old daughter and 3 year old son. He was cold and shivering so I went inside the job center only to be told to get out and that I’m not allowed to stand inside and that they took away the waiting room. So this is a poem based on a bad time, and a stinky attitude.
*
You can kick me out on my arse,
Make a deal,
Make a farce,
Make me look like I’m a mess!
A waste of space, a waste of breath,
You can chuck me out on my arse!
You can make me look like I’m useless,
But take it out on my kids,
My Baines,
You’ll see a woman, that you’ve made,
I scrape and scrimp, I raise and wimp,
A generation for the next tax profiting chimps,
You think I’m dumb,
No, I’ve had enough,
Now get a waiting room made for us!
Make us stand in freezing cold,
To sign on for money that I have been told,
I must claim whilst I’m on a break,
I’m sick,
Disabled,
Just child birthed,
And if you haven’t heard,
Marriage is dying off!
Men seem to get off lightly?
And this is what disturbs me slightly!
That you can,
You can kick me out on my arse!
Make a deal,
Make a farce,
Make me look like I’m a mess!
A waste of space, a waste of breath,
You can chuck me out on my arse,
You can make me look like I’m a waste,
But take it out on my kids!
My Baines ,
You’ll see a woman that you’ve made…

I’ll get you through

She held my hair softly,
Straightens at the ready,
It will be ok,
Everything will be fine!
Laugh a smile.

I will get you through.
I got you.

She peered over the garden wall,
Brew to hand never cold,
It will be ok,
Everything will be fine!
Laugh a smile.

I will get you through,
I got you.

She recieved my text essay,
Oh how my life has started to get messy,
She might be far, but always there,
Don’t worry,
Everything will be ok,
Everything will be fine.

Text a smile.

I will get you through.
I got you.

You Fucking Broke my heart: Letter 1

Letter 1

S.Street

Hull

Dear stranger,

I was walking earlier down the street, couple of tears.

Nothing I couldn’t cover up and beat.

I imagined you being civil, oh how sweet that could be, you sat down on the bench.

Sat down next to me.

You pulled up the bottoms of your trousers, even though your tall, that shouldn’t really bother you…your black dirty boots slam with force to the floor.

The pavement is under us.

The bus shelter is smelly and there’s chewing gum on the bench,

I’m trying to think right despite all the stench.

Your bright yellow t-shirt, I fucking hated cleaning them, and your stupid fucking cap with your greasy hair from the vents.

We sat and it was silent like the world had finally given us a chance.

We didn’t need to get violent, or fall back in love and dance.

We needed solidarity, a solution, something that would both make us content.

Whether

that

would

happen,

I don’t know,

but we can try,

Better

yet.

I needed to tell you,

I waited like some kid like I did with him,

don’t blame me,

I was raised on fairy tales,

dreams

and

the ability to hope.

I never learnt how to cope.

but

As soon as you think its a lecture,

you stand up to walk away from the truth,

I guess, I thought we was even,

since you enjoyed smoking dope,

something that helped you.

the ability to cope?

^

Imagine that this bus stop,

isn’t in the place that you think,

its in the middle of a field,

no bus lane,

no smoke

no lies

just cuddles and a cry.

^

For one last fucking time…

things could have changed,

they did change,

they changed in a blink,

I wish,

I didn’t have to speak,

in riddles and twists,

but you Fucking Broke my Heart,

it’s strange….

I thought it was already broken,

I felt you take it,

from me…

…..P.T.O

 

you are beautiful

I am beautiful….
and I am here
alive
and functioning
each organ like each nut and bolt on an engine
keep them fresh keep them healthy
and they will keep running
no steam will heat off them today
I am alive
I am not a bot
I am a being
capable of love and emotion
of understanding
intelligent
and caring
a person
and I am beautiful
so are you!

Image by Juraj Bezak

midnight running

it feels like I waited forever for you to find me,
that you did.
100 nights of thoughts wondering
questions
answered
at last.
another letter haunting me from the past
why did you go? where are you now? what went wrong?
It’s seems 100 nights laid wondering
seemed easier,
now that I know the truth and I have discovered the ending.
I now miss the magical mist forming around me as I sleep and in my dreams,
least in my dreams you was much more loving and my subconscious mind doted on the nice pleasant memories,
I’ve started to get bad dreams,
because my reality has opened up the truth,
I wish I could pull back the boy from 2013,
save the man he is today,
I wish I could show him the letters,
drown him in the letters,
the endless midnight thoughts,
perhaps then I could have saved him from myself,
but who am I to save?
now it feels like forever, for real, this time, before I meet them again.

I had a baby book

Hi im a local writer, blogger from Hull and this year, I returned to my love of writing! Poetry and fiction.

I had been through terrible summer the year before 2017 my grandad died and I took on some of his care (moving him into care home struggling to get him in a nursing home and he was unfortunately not cared for, for all his needs, in the end passed away sepsis, heartattack he also had symptoms of alzheimer’s) all on top of starting a Law degree and a relationship coming to an abrupt end.
Then a traumatic Labour in 2018 followed by emergency surgery and a legal battle between a very nasty landlord.

My gallbladder had become infected, inflamed and needed to be removed before almost rupturing. I was told all in the space of 5 hours I had to make the choice to have surgery or ultimately I’d die, rewinding 3 weeks before this I was sat infront of health care workers in the hospital telling me I was mentally unwell and making this pain up, I was sat infront of a mental health psychiatrist asking if I’d ever kill myself or harm my children all because I was telling them I had a significant amount of pain that they couldn’t diagnose, at that point my daughter was 1 week old. (I wasn’t mentally ill I was physically sick and had infection)

Back to surgery : I’d rushed into a and e, I’d just given birth 4 weeks prior, breastfeeding, 2 children at home. If things couldn’t get much worse, after surgery and returning home.

I was then told to leave my home in an illigal eviction battle, about a live wire that had been snaking in the garden for almost the whole of the tenancy agreement. Was then stuck on the front paper of the HULL daily fails front cover after been told I would most likely be a small feature, the headlines completely changed and given the wrong message so I was then set back again, baby, surgery, in search of a home.

Before I had my daughter I was attending sessions at the House of Light in Hull that specialises in care for those who have experienced traumatic births, postnatal depression. 3 years before falling pregnant I’d had an awful experience having my son. Thus counselling and cbt was to have me in the mindset for having a natural birth, and preparing for hospital. However when it all came around I was met with the huge mammoth tasks and experiences.

I took a chance: I’ve taken a chance to share my poetry and writing with the world and I have 3 books already in mind and drafting, I always loved writing at school as a GCSE and A level, I had so much happening in my home life I didn’t push myself.

Ulitimatly anything can happen and I want you to know that it’s just as important to do something for you! Don’t let anyone tell you you can’t draw a picture, paint, write, sing, dance, perform, become successful. It takes practice but you can do it!

I’ve reduced for my chap book of poetry to the minum you can now grab your copy or download for free in the kindle store……

The paper backs that will be in the shops will all have the House of Light leaflets inside them in hope to help spread awareness about PND and the service in Hull. PND can affect both men and women.

Huge thankyou to thoose who have supported me, saved me and listened. I wouldn’t be here and still getting through it without the people in Hull.

Thanks to those who have agreed to have the book in their shops and cafes:

Bean and Nothingness (whitefriargate)

The Zoo Cafe (newland Ave)

Possithive (prospect centre)

https://www.amazon.co.uk/I-had-baby-Lettersyoullneversee-1/dp/1072462672/ref=mp_s_a_1_5?keywords=I+had+a+baby+lilyth&qid=1561186162&s=gateway&sr=8-5

journey back to home

your gone,
all communications lost
yet again, I’m blocked
and I deliberately made this happen
replaced the love with hate.
just so that you’d go away,
and now I am afraid its actually happend,
but also relieved that I don’t have to keep going through the same cycle, of you trying to get me to be someone, I’m not.
I’m still waiting for the side effects to wear off,
and still washing my skin twice,
when I get in the shower,
I should be relieved that I’ve broken the control,
but I’m feeling abit wobbly,
unsure of where to go,
I guess that it is time for me to go back on my journey,
to really finding home.