bye

I was anxious- part 25 – I gave you back your clothes.

It was Thursday and you was at work. I was in town going to primark, on my own. I was wearing my yellow coat, hair pinned, makeup on. I wasn’t going to let what brought me down stop me taking care of myself.

Plus if you see me looking fine then it’s all fine.

You had been avoiding me and you vanished.

You left some clothes at mine I offered to help clean and dry because you dont have a working washing machine.

You didn’t bother to collect them.

Pretty sloppy really.

You was like oh right “hi” and “thankyou” you then followed me out of the door and said “so, you got any plans then” you nearly got me teared up I mean you fucking vanished POOF and then your asking me if I had plans.

“No. Not really.”

“You not seeing your friend”

“No not heard off them”

“Oh right”

“Not got uni?”

I just said I was going and said bye, you was stood leaning on the door. It was like some stupidly soppy romance film that had gone terribly wrong.

It was a haunting moment. You actually looked sad.

The next week I realised you left your charger. I mean you said it’s fine keep it but I really didn’t want any pieces of you left behind. How is it fair that I have to live with reminders but you can go about your daily life not giving a shit.

I went through town after counselling to return it.

I was stood for a little bit and I sort of thought you knew I was there but ignored me.

I said I will leave it on the till then.

You just said ‘ok thanks then Lil’ and sat back down. You had grown a massive beard.

I haven’t been back since haven’t even walked in that area. The thought of it makes me want to be sick.

You had a carseat and I said I was in no rush. Since what fecking use of it is to me when I have no car.

I said leave it at our friends I will get it at some point. It ended up with a friend of a friend. I actually thought you’d bring it back after the party.

You was in a rush you wanted me out as much as I wanted you out. Maybe?

Party.

It was it was our friends birthday party and I said I wasn’t sure at first if I should go but you said it would be ok maybe awkward at first.

I wasnt planning on staying long I had a gift and needed to drop it off.

Then I realised a whole conversation was happening without me behind closed doors.

That was low.

So, I wasn’t allowed to go to the party in the end.

& that was that, everything had been returned to where it should have been at least in smaller areas.

I was anxious-part 19-It was Friday

It was Friday and you had been let down again from seeing the girls.

We managed to get over most of the hurdles we faced during the middle.

We spoke a bit more and we was on a good page with one another.

I wanted to surprise you treat you.

We was both wearing jumpers that looked the same which made me giggle, we was alike and it was nice.

I like being around people who are alike and can relate.

You had no idea but I wanted to get out of the house, things where getting you down and I could tell.

So we went out for dinner and I bought you whatever you fancied.

You was telling me about the foods you liked and enjoyed and said you would show me how to cook them and could make my own versions I wanted to make, for what I was able to eat.

Fridays where strange you finished earlier on a Friday then what you would on a Wednesday and Thursday.

You would remind me this every week.

I tried to cheer you up help you understand that it probably isn’t personal at all and you kept telling me how worried you was that maybe the kids wouldnt want to know you the older they became.

I said that wouldn’t be likely and that kids that age like seeing their friends and not hanging out with their parents.

It meant alot to you and I respected that and you agreed to just try and keep communicating.

You was proud that you was able to maintain a mutural set up with you ex said that you knew that to some people would think that was really weird but I didnt think that.

Not when kids are involved and if it was ended on a basis where you both came to agreements with things then that’s really positive and I think that if people can put their differences aside it makes it easier for everyone.

Life is too short to be arguing all the time and making things difficult for one another.

Why was I any different?

I was the meaningless jigsaw piece.

Maybe it was because we wasn’t talking for a massive amount of time but it felt like I had known you for years. I felt like we just clicked, I couldn’t have imagined anything like this ever happening.

At the very worst I would have thought we would have been friends.

The further I come from this, the more time alone I have, the less it feels like that was even my life.

Its strange it feels now like a wandering dream.

Unreal.

People keep bringing up your name and I really don’t know what to say, there are so many things that I don’t know.

I hold my hands up and I apologise, I ask what it was that I did and you never reply. 

People say that, that’s because you don’t want to know and the quicker I notice this the easier and better the outcome will be for me.

Maybe something awful happened maybe something happened that you cant tell me about, maybe the truth is you are back with your ex and that’s why you said that people thought it was weird.

Maybe someone said something about me or maybe someone said that I said something about you.

Maybe your sick, or maybe my reaction to you calling me your ex’s name really did piss you off.

Maybe the poem following that pissed you off, maybe you thought some poems I shared where about you.

I’m not sure. I’m not certain.

As I said before in the other parts we never had a row, we didn’t have an argument and it was all left on a really bizzare note.

It was Tuesday and you came over after work you was a bit grumpy as was I and I felt really off unwell, it wasn’t you I was just tired from the school runs after school and starting university.

Maybe you felt that because I was at University that we had different paths, but really that wasn’t your choice to make.

You made choices that week that I didn’t understand and choices I made you didn’t understand.

It was Wednesday and you offered to help with the school runs it was fine. But then that’s when you called me your ex’s name.

Nothing was said about it in the moment. I was in shock because it was a little bit random and first thing, but I just said I needed to think about it I never said I was angry.

I said I needed some space and maybe see you at the weekend since you work late on Wednesdays and Thursdays.

To you this was overreacting, to me it was having time to think about it.

For both of us.

It was Thursday and I hadn’t really heard from you from the Wednesday morning, you used to ask if you could call me, you would text me every 8am saying hey with a waving emoji and say good morning.

All of this was dissolving. 

I needed to do something in town and you work in  town and I thought it would have been nice to say hello and surprise you.

You didn’t like this you didn’t let me in and you  told me there and then abruptly that you did not like surprises.

I couldn’t look at you.

I felt like there was something you was hiding not telling me and I was getting worried.

I really didn’t think that it was worth being this big a deal and wanted to resolve things.

People may think otherwise but honestly all I ever do is to try and resolve things, it makes it easier and better for everyone.

You was cold.

I had never seen you behave so cold.

Ever.

Saturday came and it was the first ever Saturday I had had without the kids since moving in and it was a great chance to talk and try and resolve things.

You finshed work at 5pm on a Saturday but for whatever reason you chose to stay on and not speak to me until half 7 almost 8.

You couldn’t look at me you was just looking at the floor and having cig after cig.

Saying words and not finishing the sentences.

I had seen this look before on my children when they knew they had done something wrong but there wasn’t really anything that big.

I didn’t want you to feel bad.

I just was confused.

You looked so pale and unwell it was unsettling.

You was saying words like ‘look’ and ‘and..’ ‘maybe’ and not really saying much at all, whilst the steam from your cup of tea was floating off into the garden.

I asked you if you didn’t want to talk or see me anymore, and you said ‘oh no of course not its not that’ and then started talking about having a sched.

You said that you wasn’t happy with my reaction in the week and I upset you  coming too see you before work. I apologised.

Next thing we went to the bar where you had first come to see me after a poetry night that had finished.

It made me think so much that in the beginning  you did the exact same thing to me you came to see me with no notice, you contacted me and came round and you was persuing me.

I did not act the way that you was.

It didn’t stop you continuing the night and continuing to have drinks with me and a laugh and tell me how nice I looked and how lucky you thought you was.

It didn’t stop you taking me across the road into another bar and continue to talk to me for another 3 hours.

We was in Pave and we spoke about your parents your family.

We spoke about your experiance at university.

We spoke about christmas and we spoke about what your family may have thought about us talking and you was happy and you said that they would be happy and it would have been nice for me to meet them.

You told me in such great detail about the things that you had been though.

We then spoke about filming and films you had been involved in making and ones that you wanted to do.

I told you about the book that I was writing and you told me about what you was writing and that you seeing me write made you want to grow that passion again. 

Your phone died and you kept hinting.

I didnt know what you was on about.

You went off to the toilet and I glared down at my phone and saw the message.

YOU said that you was having such an amazing night.

Last orders.

Sainsbury’s was shut  and its never shut so we went to the garage because we wanted more cigs.

I hadn’t really eaten much so I got drunk a little bit easier than normal.

…..

We got back to mine and I put some music on I said that we never got chance to dance at spiders that night and maybe we should try it again sometime.

I may have been drunk but I remember everything.

You didn’t want to talk you was all affectionate.

Sunday.

You took me to F&B we had a meal and it was a rip off, I did try and pre-warn you but it felt like you wanted to treat me or spend time with me maybe.

We was umming and arring about what we should do as we was hanging a little bit from the pub drinking.

It was 3pm and you was grumpy tired and you started to stop looking at me again. I felt unhappy even though it had been so nice talking and everything.

It was 3pm and you started going on about needing to use the laundrette and that you needed to go home and get some sleep so I said sure whatever it takes for you to go and be ok.

My feelings was never considered in your scenarios, you went home and you didn’t message me.

It was Monday and I didn’t hear anything, you didn’t mention the weekend and you didn’t ask if I was ok.

It was Tuesday and I just started saying to friends that I think its done because I hadn’t had  converstaion with you.

It was Wednesday and you said that you could come over after work to talk but it would have been late and I had a massive stone inside my stomach that was stopping me from eating thinking and sleeping. I didn’t want to accept that maybe you had used me over the weekend.

It was Thursday and people started asking questions and asking if I was sure and I didnt know what to tell anyone.

It was Friday.

It was Saturday

Sunday

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

It was Friday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You was anxious-part 15- one of those things

The thing is, things seem to happen to people and they just keep on happening.

It’s not your fault. It’s not karma sometimes theres just no explanation, it’s one of those things.

Mostly.

It’s harder when people cut your off stop communicating. When things happen that no one could foresee.

I really wish I could write about dragons and flying unicorns.

But it’s not like that.

The world is real and the world doesn’t give a fuck about you. The longer you ignore things the worse things become. No one taught me this I learnt this, I’ve seen it.

I’ve seen peoples relationships become destroyed because of peoples selfish behaviours.

You don’t have to change just be more mindful of people around you. Thats what my counsellor says.

She was so shocked and confused when I told her what happend. As was I. I’m looking forward to seeing her after 5 long weeks.

We sit, we talk, we figure things out. Something we was supposed to be doing.

It’s odd that it was ok for you to be seen clingy, but if I behave that way im crazy. There is no #mushmush on the end of my messages. If I was being romantic, it was just too much to take.

You was anxious too.

You had a choice, fight or flight.

I was anxious- Part 14-Just a kiss

I was getting really anxious, we had been talking for a few weeks. We sat together in the living room, I was nervous. I knew it was coming but I couldn’t get my head around it.

I could smell you, feel you, you was a real person.

We flicked through the TV nothing really worth watching and we both both didn’t really want to watch TV anyway.

Not an illusion.

You had feelings, you was feeling, talking, a moving person.

I’d become so accustom to internet interaction.

Faceless conversations, angry outburst, head fucks.

You was you and I was I and there was no one judging us, it was a moment of complete silence, a symphony.

Our collaboration, delicate, ceramic, porcelain.

I was anxious.

Heart palpitating, hands slippery, eyes facing anything but you.

I was scared but also happy.

Trying to tell myself it’s ok, you can trust him.

You can be yourself.

He didn’t take the beard thing too personally I mean, I told him I wasn’t a huge fan, this was not me telling him to shave, or maybe it was, other people have agreed with me they aren’t massive fan on beard snogging. I didn’t want to change him if that was him then that was him.

I mean no one was about to do anything crazy.

When I swung open the door after hearing a little tap on frame.

The beard was, gone.

You may think I didnt notice body language very well for all this time.

Oh boy, I knew.

So, it’s ok.

He was smiling, smirking his little face shined, eyes wide.

Returning to the sofa, I saw his face in the corner of my eyes…

My most commented youtube video 💋👉

My head hits the pillow…

I was anxious- part 10 another month 1st November

I put bird feed out for the birds, but we all know it attracts the rats.

Stand in the garden and all I can hear is loud sirens from the ambulances and police cars.

Living in the city is loud.

I could really do with a hug.

Tiger has been growing her winter coat and I know you didn’t like cats, but she rubbed off on you. Literally, she would push her furry skin up against you and you took her on for the short time you was about.

You would bring her a box of cat food and use the kids bowls to feed her. I was really anxious about that because I didn’t want to get bowls mixed up again and feed the kids cat flavoured coco pops. #nevermind

I loved it when you looked at me with pure innocence but we both knew there was no innocence left inside those eyes.

You was telling me things you hadn’t been telling yourself and things you hadn’t been telling others.

Distance wasn’t about to make the heart grow fonder it was about to break them apart in to tiny teeny pieces.

You haunt me with you words like “mush, mush” and your causal shrug of “sure”. I didn’t want to admit it but I looked up on things you liked because I wanted to get to know you more and understand deep inside your world.

People say I want to have that role of being someone’s saviour but I actually enjoyed the concept of having people around me willing to try and help and save me.

Little things like folding the clothes doing the pots and being interested, invested.

I liked it when you was about to tell me something really kind but then filled in the gaps with “mush, mush”.

#hopelessromantic

You was in your element at least, I thought you was and you wanted to be in my crazy world as much as I wanted to be in yours.

But things changed and I don’t cope well with sudden changes. That’s what you said to me and I felt the same, always felt the same.

It was hard adjusting to having a huge 3 bed house with a drive to being in a little tiny box house with barely any room to swing the cat. Then being back in a fairly huge house again with a garden. If your confused then please go back to other parts of I was anxious.

The space was made up with good company from my neighbour who I also knew from going to school with. I really miss hanging out with her and catching up.

This year has been a significant year for many.

I had mice coming in the front part of the house and it was really handy having a cat about to catch them.

Maybe things I shouldn’t be worrying about. In the end I found it fairly amusing pleasing, thinking wow I’m pretty lucky I have such a loyal cat that’s prepared to fight off these mice.

I’m pretty lucky that I have such a fun loving friend who was there for me whlist I was really struggling with living in that house. I even thought to myself at one point I was prepared to stay there and save for the sake of having a friend next door.

People are kind and sometimes they’re kind in unfamiliar ways.

It’s people like her and you and even you and people like him and my best friend and best friend from college and close friend from Instagram. The children then cat my family, the generous people at my university, hell even moody cow in herons made me happy. High days felt amazing and I needed no cigarettes, no alcohol or money.

That made me want to continue my life.

I was anxious- part 5 continued

So we got to the part where we was in the nightclub.

I was balling my eyes out I needed you close and next to me and you allowed yourself to be close and next to me. You didnt shout at me or have ago, or tell me to stop crying, you didnt get embarrassed by me. These were all actions I wasn’t used to.

You held me really tight you let me cry and didnt judge me you waited until my storm had passed, we went to a corner of the nightclub that wasn’t as busy you had your arms around me and you sat me down next to you and held me.

Since you left, I’ve been in that storm for so long rocking along up and down in a boat.

You might think that saying this doesn’t change anything. Your right, but this is all part of the story and this is all important because you showed me that a man is capable of being understanding. That maybe I am capable of being loved and cared for.

… tbc

I was anxious- part 5

I’ve written almost 4 thousand words in 24 hours about utter fucking nonsense.

Maybe, perhaps.

The thing is when you attach your heart to something you invest. You go the extra mile, you brush your teeth, you dye your hair to get rid of horrible red bits shining through, you bite your nails off, you hack and cut away at your pubes and make sure your legs are as smooth as seals eyelids.

Make sure that your armpits are clear from hair and eyebrows are plucked and picked in just the right shape.

You make effort, you feel awake, you have purpose.

Problem is I should have felt like this anyway, and what’s the use now when I’m smiling at myself in the mirror and so used to feeling you around me or come up to me. There is just so much that gives me the constant shivers.

The thing is the burger cheese really wasn’t the problem at all. Or the jokes about me being younger, and while I’m at it even the beard wasn’t a problem. Or the fact you told me you loved me but left me with doubt, eating me from the inside perforating through my organs, constant agony, leading my brain to overdrive.

That’s right.

Look, I don’t mind beards I just can’t kiss much of a beard, it feels prickly inside my nostrils and I can’t really snog a beard or maybe, I’m just not woman enough to deal with beards being close to my face. Its personal ok I have an opinion about beards. I’m not ashamed to admit it. Don’t send the beard police on to me.

I doubted them words because the thing is if you truly love someone you don’t leave them hanging, you dont ignore them, you don’t let other things overshadow them.

Maybe you feel bad for telling me and not meaning it.

It’s ok.

I’m dealing with it now. But it does hurt I won’t lie. Little tiny words but they are very powerful and meaningful.

To me.

I love you is a commitment, you never just say it for the sake of saying it?

We was in the nightclub and it was you birthday, I bought you a card the day before saying, ‘with love’ and I kick myself now.

I should have just put I love you but I didn’t want it to make it hard for you to make the choice to leave, if that was what you was planning on doing so in the future.

That’s right I think of everything, I am such an anxious freak. I wish I did buy you a romantic card at least because that’s what you was hoping. However if I did do all these other things differently then it doesn’t mean you would still be here, because that’s not how it works.

The world wanted me to have a different card, the world wanted this.

We’d just shared our phone numbers and you text me after you had been for a drive, about seeing a really beautiful rainbow, and then you apologised because you thought that wasn’t a very masculine thing to say. The thing is it didn’t put me off you, it made me fall for you even more. There is no such thing as being more or less of a man especially in this secnario, you was pointing out the beautiful things in the world, only a very awake person does this.

The thing is you was facing real issues I wanted to enlighten you, I got a card that said age didn’t matter, I know you was all depressed about your age for 2 reasons. I know because I listened to you, but I’m not going to share because again I have respect for you and it’s not my place, even though I have not mentioned your name, in case people guess I don’t want to share.

In spiders nightclub, I think I passed the friends test, whilst you left for a piss for the 3rd time I was stood talking to them.

They had questions, they knew and know nothing about me, even now. Which is a shame because I really liked them. They was kind to me.

The first friend, she was nice, said I looked pretty and you was lucky, she said she was telling her husband not to look at me. I said I would almost certainly think about putting a ring on you, in nice way not a creepy way. That got me an ‘aww…’ She said you was kind and seemed to really like me, and you would be kind and look after me.

The other friends was nice to me caring talkative and the one who made references to me being a child I got my revenge and gave him a lollipop, I was given on the way in.

There was another friend but that was more towards the end of the night. So everyone just got drunk, drank more did the norm. I am still sorry that I think I ruined the night for you.

So what happend?

Well everything was going amazingly and we got a photo and you did a speech on how lucky you felt, you was saying to all your friends and why you was happy and then you looked at me and you said “I am so happy that I am with my girlfriend too…” and you looked at me for a response because it wasn’t really official, and hell yeah I mean this was exciting I wanted this, this is all I wanted for a long time to be treated like I was a girlfriend, to be someone’s other half, to be their one and only and to be by their side to battle any battles that where about to be thrown our way.

So what was the problem then?

Well you was drunk, and I was heading the same direction, you was touchy feely and yeah that was fine. I was on my period so that wasn’t really very fun or birthday inviting. I wasn’t even mad at this, I was falling even more, but the thing was, there was no accomodation for me. Surely, if I was your girlfriend then I would be staying with you going back to yours and surely if I was your girlfriend then we better start thinking more of a plan to see each other a little more often.

I never wanted to get as drunk as I did that night that was not my intention, I hate myself for getting that drunk. Because when your with me and my normal anxious self, normal anxious self plus 8 or 9 alcoholic drinks i’m talking vodkas, shots, whisky, malibu, the added worry of what the fuck was going on you just called me your ‘girlfriend’ in front of the whole entire world, I was freaking out where would I stay, I didn’t know where I was going to sleep.

These moments my new happiest moments of my life and I was destroying them because I couldn’t help but get upset.

Issue is I am not good enough, for you, for anyone and your realised this and maybe that’s a reason that your not here anymore.

I went straight into the bathroom and just cried.

That’s right I wanted to contain myself, it was a secret that I was so upset I didn’t want you to see me this upset it was your fucking birthday and everyone else around me is watching me, I dont go to night clubs im a single mum of kids. I don’t have adult experiance of how to interact, I haven’t been called someone’s girlfriend, that doesn’t happen. Months I had been so depressed I didn’t know how much longer I could go on and now I had finally found someone who was like me in so many ways, you even like marmite, now that’s a fucking rarity.

I could not hide, you saw me sad and you knew I was sad and you and your friends passed me water, this was not just the alcohol this was me.

I was so depressed, I was mentally destroying myself telling myself over and over. Just leave he won’t put up with you, your not good enough, end it all whilst your happy. You’ve thought of these plans you’ve been thinking it for months whilst you was in that shitty tiny house with no internet, you have been thinking it. Don’t let this moment of happiness stop you from ending it all.

This is what I was telling myself, but back home my girl friends where keeping me going, they gave me the reasurance I needed, they was there for me at my lowest.

At least if I lose this guy I will always have my girl friends. I don’t need a man to be happy or feel happiness, that is the golden rule.

But you was different.

I was anxious-part 4

The first time I saw you vulnerable, and this time I’m talking about a different you, but again I can’t and wont mention your name but not because I care about you, but because I know what you’ve been doing and I’m not scared of you but I dont like what you’ve been doing.

So for the benefit of the story.

I will call you Lucas, it’s a better name for you anyway your actual name is starting to make me want to wretch everytime I say it.

Lucas.

The first time I saw you vulnerable was on a weekday, the start of 2014. I randomly got hold of a babysitter aka mum, you must have finished or been off work that day.

It was pretty early in the day, I called you up to see if you fancied a drink.

Why am I mentioning this now?

Well, I said I hadn’t had a date before and I dont think I had, I didn’t class this as a date because I organised this myself.

We went to the new pizza place bar on the corner of Alexandra Avenue, yes thats right Lucas you can accuse me of being heartless but I have an amazing memory, why would I want to completely erase parts of my history?

I feel like we forget that we are not computers, we are not facebook messenger, we dont just erase things like messages and images, block and remove, you know pretend like it never happend.

Because that’s what you did didn’t you Lucas, you ran away and you didn’t face the music. Just like you would with all the other people who meant something one point in your life.

Perhaps the first you I discussed in the first parts can relate. Just the difference is he was 20 and this was almost 6 years ago.

So we was sat outside and you didnt have any money, I didnt really have any money, I was 18 year old single mum, college student, living off income support and even now that doesnt exist.

I bought you half a pint if I remember correctly.

You was wearing broken glasses, you had messy sheep hair and you was all honestly a state. That didnt bother me you needed me and maybe I needed you and it was nice to share part of my story with you.

Even though I felt like you wasn’t even there half the time, maybe because you wasnt, you was too fixated in other things.

But for the time being you was sat in front of me and I was sat in front of you.

You told me you didnt like your voice, and I said dont be silly it’s fine. Basically your excuse was you sounded like a dumb kid, and you thought it was from the drugs.

I suggested you had a break or something, you was in a bad way maybe at this moment in time you was going through an horrific breakup? I didnt really know because you didnt tell me?

It wasn’t until I saw her figure go past my door a handful of times

I didn’t realise I knew the girl, or should I say knew of the girl. She was a talented artist in school, quiet, shy, vulnerable. She’d been in my class, I’d seen her and a few of her friends get bullied and she had seen me be bullied. But we never really said anything we wasn’t friends , we just knew we was bullied and studied art in the same class.

I felt bad I wish I spoke to her, I really wish I got her story. That would have been an interesting one to hear.

Anyway, she probably thought I purposely was out to seek you to spite her, how if I had no idea?

So you guys still was hooking up, or smoking joints. I cant ever think who got who addicted? I don’t think you treated her the best if I’m honest. But credit to you, you visited her when she was sick and you contacted her when you wasnt together. You wasnt the kind of guy who wanted his dick wet, so I assumed it was probably mainly about drugs, possibly loneliness.

But with me 3 years on, no, no, no, we have a son and I could of died and you still didnt even get in contact. I was going though absolute hell, and if I wasnt already physically sick, I was close to mentally calling it a day and that’s happend more than I’m proud of.

But we are not here to talk about me, that will come, this is mainly about all of yous.

It’s not a blame bible or anything, I’m just writing to understand what’s happened. Too many people gossip and that’s not fun, gossip is ignorance of the truth.

Bullies never fade, you think you spend all you high school days praying for the day it will end and it ends. Only to reach adult maturity to learn it never fucking ends. And thanks to facebook it is always there, forever, and if it’s not posted on their timelines it’s inside thier inboxes.

That’s right people are two faced, and extremely two faced. They slag you off call you names in your other friends inboxes.

That’s what you showed me Lucas, your friends still bully me and we haven’t even been together for almost 4 years.

You didnt defend me then and you don’t defend me now.

That’s fine. At least because that rule has to end was you break up? Right?

Wrong, why cant people just be nice to one another after breakups or at least try and be civil. I would be embarrassed if people wrote things about you now to try and hurt you.

But just so you know, I never experienced depression as dark as I have since all of it. Even every now and again I see flashes of abusive words and phrases said about me on Facebook.

Do you know how hard that is to live with?

Image by Curtis Wiklund

I was anxious- part 3

If you’ve read this far ahead then wow thanks, and I hope your enjoying the story so far.

As you may have thought in the last entries that maybe there was no need for me to be as anxious as I was in the start but you may start to see why further on.

I told you, I hate birthdays they always seem to cause issues, not like on purpose, at least ‘mine’ did anyway and I told you I definelty wasn’t into mine and that I hadn’t done anything for mine since I was maybe 18 or so mainly because of being thrown out a month or so after my 16th.

Having ex’s that made 0 effort, or made some effort but made me feel bad during.

You said it would be all ok and that you would make my next one feel good, and to expect presents, this was a grand gesture and I loved that you said this. Only now I go back on my word and hate that its not going to happen now and my birthday is gonna suck big time, sort of wish I took your comment with a pinch of salt I was looking forward to it.

So today was your birthday, and you’d been with friends for awhile before i met you although we had a little struggle deciding if it was a good idea for me to come. I really wanted to come and it puzzled me a little bit why you would want to put me off, but you reassured me and said it’s just because it will be all the guys and then I thought well that doesn’t really bother me either and I wanted to see you, we was starting to be something and it would have been nice to just see you for a drink.

I was prepared to just see you for one and see you the next day or something, but we carried on with the plan for me to meet you and go from there.

I looked at presents, a fair few, I carried them to the till and then I took them back because I wasn’t sure you would like them. I mean I had a good idea of what you liked at this point I was going to buy you best selling crime book, fiction.

I know I had been out with you already before now and I really didn’t want to be overseeing you or coming across as anything and I don’t think you thought that because when I saw you you seemed really happy to see me, I know I dressed like and absolute turd, but I wasn’t used to going out, and I honestly had no idea what to wear.

You introduced me to your friends they was nice, and I cant not mention the one who said I looked like a child which was fine because it only meant that meant that you…

Look I wont go there it was ither a dig at my age which is fucking stupid because the legal age to drink is 18 and im 6 years past that, and my hieght is just my hieght, he wasnt much taller so it just made the stupid comments look daft and he probably was doing it because he wanted some of my fine arse, i’m joking I dont think I have a fine arse.

I mean he was nice looking to be honest and I am so fucking happy I am allowed to say this now because my god if I wasn’t allowed to say it I would have ended up just saying it anyway.

You was close to this person and you had a lot of sympathy for him but we never got far enough for me to understand this but again I respected that this was how things was and it wasn’t any of my buisness and that is why I didn’t ask, what the deal with that person was.

I was holding your hand under the table and placing it on your knee, kissing you, it was nice it was right and it was supposed to be like that, you was getting drunk, wasted and I wasnt really that drunk we walked off up to spiders and it was really great night, I know that it wasnt my night i really didnt want to take the attention, I carried your bizzare unicorn bag with the sugar and the burger cheese in, we went to the cloak room together and we went for a cig.

Now this night was significant in many ways in some ways this was you and this is how you was around friends, your friends are apart of you, they are your family, your world, they are important and if I didnt pass the friends test and they thought I was insane, they probably do now but oh well, then I had no chance in this new life.

I’m sorry, I had to stop here because it was all just making me far too upset, I just think about what you would say to me and probably tell me to just get the fuck over it, theres part of me just wishing and hoping that I will wake up one day and there will be a letter back in the door, a phone call or you.

Flowers even some chocolates to hand, don’t get me started on your chocolate analogy, look chocolates don’t matter if you was stood there with flowers, or just stood there it would be like, oh wow moment.

Basically, all I am saying is it would be so nice to see you. I know this is not some chic flick love film and real life is fucked up and misreable, if I had chance again to talk to you some may think it would be for the wrong reasons, selfish reasoning, I am not a horrible person, I understand if it is someones wishes not to see someone and if they dont want to see me then fine, it has to be what the other person wants otherwise its not fair.

Yes, I’m a terrible communicator, I send text messages and they are all jumbled and I think people missunderstand me sometimes, look I’m only human and I know I’ve fucked up too.

Letters youll never see 29th October 2019

Dear,

I’ve been looking at this fucking essay for 11 days. Only you would know how to tackle it.

Old policing, new policing whats the difference why did the uk introduce new style policing, what about the watchmen, the people who was going out their way to keep order, non paid non uniformed. New police style more functional, paid, introduced to tackle new class wars.

I know where your heart was and where it could of been. I was observing your emotions and listening to every word, stories you told me your desires interests. I wanted to be there to support you, give you back that part if your brain you used up on topics you enjoyed, your intelligent enough to do so. But you put yourself down, so down, that’s not healthy you know. It makes me think now that all the things we spoke about meant nothing.

Theres way to many old grounds I cant keep going over everytime I meet someone, so for now all I tell people is my name is Lilyth, anything after that they can figure out for themselves.

After all the tragedy you need to make sure you care for yourself. I dont know why you wouldnt want to go out there and enjoy it, do what you love you deserve to be bloody happy. Even if you enjoy punishing yourself and living like a tramp.

I’m not normally as OCD but I’ve decided to start developing rules I keep by and maybe it is just a phase for now but it makes me smile.

1. Make some bloody effort

( make up, clean your hair, force yourself to get in the fucking shower your not a year 5 pupil anymore and the water supply isn’t cut off from hot water so bloody sort yourself out.)

2. Smile

(Even if it kills you)

3. Act like you are dumber than you think

(By this I mean dont jump ahead stop putting your arm up in lectures your only making yourself harder to approach. Noone likes a teachers pet ever. Even if it’s easier to relate to older people especially lecturers. Even if you are older now, classed as a mature student and watched your fellow friends leave and graduate twice )

That’s right I’ve seen two graduate years leave, walk out. Go off enjoy thier lovely lives as a new graduate, soaking up the debt and driving in cars thier daddy’s bought them.

Fun.

Yours

Lilyth

I was anxious – part 2

It was Tuesday and you’d gone back to work, you couldn’t believe how quick the weekend had gone. Like me you’d had a pretty slow and fucking boring year. Probably like me, looking into the fridge and searching the cupboards thinking ‘Fuck, I can’t be bothered to make another meal for just myself’, and again like me for 6 month grueling with no internet searching the insides of your brain thinking about what to do, walking around in your boxers scratching your bollocks eating leftover burger cheese slices from your birthday bag, wait, I haven’t got to your birthday, yet.

I don’t know why you got embarrassed I do precisly the same, I randomly eat cheese strings since the re-introdution from my close friends kids, I forgot cheese strings even existed. I mean I know I can’t scratch any balls, but if I could I totally would.

If you wasn’t then i’m sorry for the comparisons, and anyway don’t be embarrassed no one even knows who you are or who the hell im talking about. You don’t even know who you are because your not even reading this, and if you do read this and it upsets you then I am really sorry, but you knew I was a writer and you shouldn’t fall in love with writers, right?

That’s if that even happend, and also how would I even know anything, I know nothing. I know that your pissed off, and hate my writings so I may as well just carry on with the story for the benefit of the people who are still here, and who enjoy my writing.

It just seemed like to me that we had way too much in common, in a really great freaky friday way.

The date went down well and that’s all that people wanted to hear, I told my friend that I was really starting to like you, I told my other friend that I was really fucking unsure and scared mainly because I knew that if I developed emotions further, I knew I would be ripped in half to lose you.

Equally I wanted to spend my free time with you, and with them, even though things where changing for them too which meant free time doesn’t and wasn’t really happening much for anyone.

Perhaps it was wrong of me to speak to them before you, but I was just too worried and for that I’m sorry.

You knew I was a writer so you can’t look at me and expect this not to happen, I can’t spend another 5 years guessing the fuck out of my mistakes and wondering why. But I can write on a wordpress blog with barely any viewers and get it off my chest.

Literally I have been having crushing chest pains since I woke up, I’m hoping it will just pass I think that my iron tablets giving me stomach pains.

You was deflated that it was Tuesday but it was soon to be your birthday in a couple of weeks and that’s all that mattered. I recognised it was a tough month and I respected that for you because I cared about you. I’m not going to share that with anyone because I actually really do respect you.

Didn’t let that get us down we carried on with the week and it was great.

The second date came around and we went to go see a film, it was fun and I really enjoyed it. I was really anxious when we was there because I know what people say about dates at the cinema, snogging and touchy feeling, I felt like a big kid a teenager. Daft and silly.

I was all ready to get cosy and really bringing the courage up to kiss you this time, but you got up out your seat and went off to buy coffee. I’m an anxious person ok. I notice that most people probably won’t care if their first kiss with someone was snotty or smelly or something but I wanted this to be nice and I wanted you to think it was nice. You didn’t know this you probably just thought I was being freakishly shy or something.

It was a long film, fun, we had another evening together. Took me home and I just remember us talking about the film and having a cup of tea, you was stood in the garden just about to have a cig, and then you looked at me and gave me a really big hug.

Things where amazing perfect, and things started to go so quick

I lose track of time and some of my memory gets jumbled like I’ve been hit across the head at this point.

I look at you and I’m stood on the step of the back door half on half off wobbling.

You say you need to tell me something and we wasn’t drinking or drunk at this point so I was a little bit worried, I’d already thought about this the last time you said you needed to tell me something and I really wanted to hold on just a little longer because my fears, my terrible anxious logic was the quicker things where going, the quicker I was to losing you, I didn’t think 3 months on I’d be thinking the same thing, reflecting on the same thoughts, why am I so surprised if I thought these things before they even happend, did I set myself up to fail?

I know you guys are reading this and thinking what the fuck, but this is inside my brain, overactive overthinking and apparently incapable of receiving and keeping love.

You said it ‘I love you’ you said, you would have said it sooner but didn’t want to or wasn’t sure and I was shocked and anxious and crazy out my mind happy.