It wasn’t supposed to be like this,
Your body gone along the cliff,
Your shadow dance along the wall,
Can’t take it down,
I hope you know,
I spent so much time chasing you,
I spent so much time to make things new,
I’m burnt, I’m broken, along the bones,
of the ground, amongst the stones,
breath is heavy, asthma’s here,
panic attack breathing,
in the atmosphere,
To you I hand my hands in chains,
Ready, steady, my pulse, my veins,
Just take me back and I will fly,
Or leave me here to surely…die.
You stand at the end of the bed,
you tut, you shrug, you climb ahead,
We lay intoxicated towards the ceiling,
Don’t ask once just how I’m feeling,
I tell you, I tell you, I tell you dear,
but not one hand wipes away my tear,
You restrain from showing me any empathy,
My wing it breaks even more for all to see, As I sleep you slip a note,
under the pillow, as you go,
I hold its crinkled body close,
I wake up the truth, I still don’t know…
It’s shocking it’s crippling it’s happening dear,
Not another hand of empathy waves a tear,
My wing in tatters,
No nothing could have prevented this from happening.
But if you collect the pieces,
please stick them back onto my wing,
So I can leave this deadly sin,
So I can fly away from here,
So I don’t have to cry, another tear,
So I don’t have to keep on waiting up,
Quickly, before I turn to self destruct. ****
It wasn’t supposed to be like this,
I open my eyes and I see your eyes.
Blue, velvet. I fucking love you, the windows open and the curtains are swaying in the breeze. It couldn’t be any better laying with you, there’s trees outside the window, there’s a planet we can fall in love with. But we don’t need that because we can just lay here and be in the moment, beautiful.
You maybe an adult with age but you are a child at heart and it breaks me in half, that I can’t rescue you from yourself. You can blame others for all the issues in your life but it won’t help you.
You lay there and close your eyes again, they shut slowly and you say no words, I push my hand through your hair, naked I walk out of the bed and towards the shower. I wasn’t calling you over but you came along anyway. I love holding you it feels like we are somewhere else we are safe we are away from the problems.
We had no problems.
I was carrying your baby, and you was so excited, I wasn’t so much so at that point. You was talking to me about how amazing it was going to be, we hadn’t been planing. I had been grieving so hard. I had been drinking so much, leaving uni at 3am in the dark. With no one to be with, hours of writing. Because of the funeral, I had to take resits.
I had to walk past the reminder every evening, would it of fucking hurt to say sorry?
We fucking worked that bedroom the neighbour’s where probably pissed by now, sat in their blow up paddling pools, smoking weed.
Why do people do that?
The people across the way have had a broken fridge outside the front for months, and now they’ve added a broken bbq. Do they not know that there is a skip about 4 miles from here?
Why do people do that?
Problems we had no problems.
The hospital called they said that there was a decline in my hormones, all them aches and pains wasn’t imagined.
I grabbed the hammer and smashed the phone to pieces.
There’s so much blood, is there supposed to be this much?
I keep climbing in the bath is that supposed to make it go?
How long am I supposed to sit here.
If I hear another ‘are you ok?’, I will fucking scream. Hearing you talk about how it happends to 1 in 4 women is not making the situation any easier. Being ok in a couple of months, theres always time, is not what is on my mind.
I needed a friend. I needed a family member, I needed someone.
I lay there, you talk to me and I have no words to say, I just stare at the window with the curtains swaying, not as beautiful as they was in the morning.
I blame the house, I blame myself, my stupid body.
Problems, we had none.
My counsellor often told me to find peace with the unknown.
But, I always struggled with this concept.
Finding peace with not knowing, and not having the answers to questions, was hard.
Especially the ones I had swimming in my head over and over.
Sometimes it took over my life and stopped me worrying about the moments that I was living in.
Sometimes by the time I stopped worrying about the unknowns, I had missed out on so much time, that was really in reality, nice. Potentially even could have been happy.
If someone text me saying that they wanted to have sex with me whilst thier girlfriend was away on holiday.
That would be clear to most people that it means that person is using the other person to cheat. Get pleassure for themselves, selfish and greedy.
The only person that would get hurt is me.
But to me it made me wonder if there was a deeper meaning, did that person miss me? Did they care about me? Could I see this person and not sleep with them just talk to them? Was it even about sex or a cry for help?
(I wish you didnt use me like that you knew I would decline (different you) please read other parts to this series to understand the ‘yous’.)
Further, made me think about all the crap I’d been through. I could almost construct a guide on how to love someone, how to be kind, how to treat someone like a fucking human. We could all do with one about how to end a relationship and not be a c*nt about it.
When you’ve been in a similar place you may find yourself questioning everything. Even things that didnt need questioning. People said to me it was naivety, lack of understanding. I think it’s a matter of perspective, a different viewpoint. Perhaps, I just refuse to let go of the thought that there is good in people.
Some have souls so powerful but confidence so low they cant break the cycle.
The goodness in people can change lives of many. But we all lose a little bit of hope as we get older.
It’s hard to stay open minded and possitive when life is cruel to you in so many ways.
Grieving in our culture is so difficult and a hard emotion to process, we dont hear it enough that it is ok to cry, ok to reach out, it’s ok to shout and scream. We bottle it up, we vanish, we never talk about it, we treat it as if it never happend or it happend but its not worth ‘worrying about’.
Well yes it is worth worrying about, it will happend to all of us. It’s worth making sure we all feel ok about discussing things with one another. I always try to think of it this way, life should always be celebrated.
Its fucking horrible when you lose someone in an unimaginable way, but you have to carry on living and live with thier thought in mind sometimes. Would they want you to stop being successful and happy? No. Would they want you to be miserable and broken for the rest of your life? No.
I mean if we lived forever then people wouldn’t make effort and it would be a pretty boring life. It matters because your voice is worthy, hell your life is precious, your precious. You deserve to be loved and deserve to be happy.
Its easy to find peace with things like this in time. But finding peace with someone who leaves your life and is still able to tell you what they think and feel and dont, is challenging.
Treating it the same will help?
Would you want me to feel immensely distraught and break down?
Would you want me to not be successful and happy? I don’t know
But I need move forward and find peace with something.