I should probably go out
But I don’t feel there’s anywhere to go
That I belong
And I did this once or twice before
Then I had people knocking at the door
All I’d give is to be alone
But at the same time to be at the other end of your phone
Just so I could see if you see all my replies
Or ignore me and pump me up with lies
My body bursts and aches from your deceit
Should I at last hold up my hands in defeat
My body it weeps
Blown away by the cold air not long ago
I take each day more vitamins than you know
And why do I keep fighting
When I don’t know what I’m fighting for
You mention my health but you really don’t see
This is now pain you’ve inflicted on me
It makes no sense
No sense at all
Im done fed up of being your rubber ball.
You’ll be glad to read that I’m almost at the end of the I was anxious series.
With me you have seen my vision of what I thought was a truely great blossoming relationship turn into nothing.
People are amazing actors, and its cruel for some of us who believe there is kindness in many and most to learn that is not always the truth.
Like I said before because of the situation and circumstance it would have been nice to hear your story, your opinion, you haven’t said a word.
At the very worst even civil friendship for the sake of the friendship group we had formed.
Your loss. Right?
My conscious is clear I apologised to you,I tried to reach out and speak about stuff and you ignored me.
It was Sunday and I was about to wake up and recover from a pretty heavy hangover.
I hadn’t stayed out at anyones house since I was 19.
I wasn’t about to make a habit either, I couldn’t tell if you was embarrassed that I stayed or just drunk. This is the part where things seemed ok but got a bit awkward.
We was sat in the night club and I was on your knee with your arms wrapped around me. Beams of lights flashed all around, up and down, side to side. Music played and people spoke really loud.
You was patient with me, you knew I was far too upset to talk. You brushed my tears aside and said ‘oh Lil’ and said that it was upsetting to see me so upset. You didn’t get impatient with me and shout. I honestly thought you loved me cared about me.
I felt like the devil had grabbed my ankles, swung me backwards and dragged me under.
I couldn’t contain my emotions. With you, I felt safe. Constant worry was taking over, the dreaded what ifs and the thoughts I had before I met you was still haunting me.
I remember when I was at college sitting in front of my counsellor , we was speaking about alcohol, as a mood intensifier and revealer. That night the mask had fallen and everyone saw me as a state.
You may have passed it off as being drunk but this is how I felt on a regular basis this was the me you didn’t learn to understand or want to know.
We walked over to the bar and got some water, then went outside into the smokers area where we met another of your friends. He was quite drunk, loud, rude. Come Monday you even agreed with me what he said was a bit much but you never followed it up.
He was saying “Lilly has big titties and likes lots of willy’s” I just thought it was a strange thing to say to someones new girlfriend.
We had a look for your friends that was staying over and you said that I was ok if I stayed as I really wasn’t feeling very well and I didn’t want to go back home on my own.
You handed my some Star Wars pjs insisted I put them on I took the offer on the top but the bottoms where double of my legs. It was cute and strange, most men would have wanted me to strip off would have tried something on but you was different. You respected me and it was a great deal to get used to. I remember drifting off shortly after that listening to people in the living room talk.
Come morning you offered to make people a cup of tea but it had seemed that the milk in the fridge had gone off.
Your friend took me home, asked if I wanted to sit on a carseat first and then dropped off. Another dig at my age and height.
That was the end of the night.
You was different.
You held me really tight you let me cry and didnt judge me you waited until my storm had passed, we went to a corner of the nightclub that wasn’t as busy you had your arms around me and you sat me down next to you and held me.
Since you left, I’ve been in that storm for so long rocking along up and down in a boat.
You might think that saying this doesn’t change anything.
Your right, but this is all part of the story and this is all important because you showed me that a man is capable of being understanding.
That maybe I am capable of being loved and cared for.
Monday 11th November 2019
You called me your ex’s name:
There was something wrong.
I tried a few times to bring it up.
I thought you’d be the one to help me.
How stupid, I am so stupid. I shouldn’t have ever let you in.
Perhaps there was no talking because when you called me your ex’s name I got straight into the shower and cried.
I am not ashamed to share, I am not ashamed to show two halves of the story.
Perhaps I was overreacting.
Except, I needed more sympathy the night before. With feeling unwell.
You didn’t know this because I never told you.
I helped you out when you was unwell, I understood it maybe it was because it was physical symptoms, cold flu, man flu, people can see it, understand it more.
The night before
I didn’t feel like eating and you was really hungry, you felt like you put your time in there was nothing you was doing right at all.
Perhaps, it felt you was stuck in a limbo situation, and I wasn’t reacting the way you thought I should be reacting.
You could have just called a pizza and made me laugh cheered me up. I guess I felt unwell and all I could think was soup. Sleep.
You didn’t factor in the sleepless nights overwhelming crying from children that made me even more anxious.
I know, I hate soup so boring right?
There was that time we was walking towards wings and I had the perfect opportunity to tell you then but it was supposed to be a fun night for you and I didn’t want to ruin another night.
I didn’t want to take off or anything or vanish. It killed me that I walked away.
I was running out of time and I knew it.
You was supposed to stay out late and be with them, you showed up earlier than planned.
I could have told you then.
Maybe I was planting seeds but I never wanted them to grow.
The spiders evening I could have told you then but I just cried and cried.
The time we stood in the hall way, the time I walked over to the house, the time I went into your work, the time I broke down at my friends house and you walked me back.
Now it’s too late.
It was a summers evening this year, my best friend knew how down I had been and she had been amazing support, incredible.
It felt like ‘a need’ to fall in love and be around people who are kind, positive, full of enlightenment and desire. We was sick of men pulling the wool over our eyes, treating us like daft cows.
We are strong women we’ve been through different things but could relate.
I suggested maybe a double date or something if anyone knew anyone who was single. Just wanted to have fun and relax. I had been through a really awful time. I wasn’t looking for sex or hook ups, I really just wanted to meet people and be around friends.
Luckily, my friends knew someone and they knew them well and said I shouldn’t worry because you was really kind and nice person and would never hurt anyone.
There was a day planned and organised for drinks at your place. I was anxious because I was moving home and I didn’t want to get drunk and hungover. I had no baby sitters able to help out and the ones who could, could only help for a couple of hours.
Not really a long time when you want to get to know people.
You opened the door and greeted us in, I didnt make too much effort with dressing up or anything, I couldn’t as all my clothes where in boxes and being moved.
I regretted not putting my heels on because you was pretty tall and I’m like a midget next to almost every adult and even 8 year old children are catching up with my height.
People laugh about this but it kind of gets a bit boring after years and years.
It was small, and I wont lie it looked lonely. Perhaps adjustments have been made since you cut me off, I guess I won’t really know and I guess I won’t really care.
You poured us all a drink in a mug, as you didnt have glasses. I remember you saying you dont get people round much and needed glasses, you was apologising but we really didn’t mind.
This was exciting and exciting for you.
Everyone deserves to have friends and people around them that care about them and visits them.
I told you alot about myself we spoke a lot about politics, little things and fairly serious stuff. It was nice, you listened to me you wasn’t shouting at me, calling me names, threatening me or abusing me.
The night was short and you guys went off to spider’s. We walked towards the nightclub you gave me your hoodie, and slipped a tenner into my hand for a taxi home.
You wanted to make sure I got back safe. Mentally I felt safer being out and with you guys. Going back was just a duty a responsibility, my heart wanted to stay. Stress.
My friend said that you didn’t stay out long because you told them you had already met someone that night and was no need to go into the night club looking for someone.
You then told me for months that you was so happy that I turned up that evening, after I told you I was close to not turning up because I was anxious.
You also kept saying you owed your friend drinks for life, because he introduced me to you and you hadn’t felt as happy as you did in a very long time.
You occasionally reminded me of that night and that you was is disbelief.
Perhaps I should have noticed sooner, remember me mentioning the too good to be true saying?
Now, all I have a deafening silencing ringin in my ears, and a stone in the pit of my stomach grinding up against my skin.
I feel like I’ve been in a car that was speeding but all the time it was going slow, and then suddenly smacks straight into a tree.
I’m sore, hurt, but on the inside.
On the outside, I look amazing.
It was Friday and you had been let down again from seeing the girls.
We managed to get over most of the hurdles we faced during the middle.
We spoke a bit more and we was on a good page with one another.
I wanted to surprise you treat you.
We was both wearing jumpers that looked the same which made me giggle, we was alike and it was nice.
I like being around people who are alike and can relate.
You had no idea but I wanted to get out of the house, things where getting you down and I could tell.
So we went out for dinner and I bought you whatever you fancied.
You was telling me about the foods you liked and enjoyed and said you would show me how to cook them and could make my own versions I wanted to make, for what I was able to eat.
Fridays where strange you finished earlier on a Friday then what you would on a Wednesday and Thursday.
You would remind me this every week.
I tried to cheer you up help you understand that it probably isn’t personal at all and you kept telling me how worried you was that maybe the kids wouldnt want to know you the older they became.
I said that wouldn’t be likely and that kids that age like seeing their friends and not hanging out with their parents.
It meant alot to you and I respected that and you agreed to just try and keep communicating.
You was proud that you was able to maintain a mutural set up with you ex said that you knew that to some people would think that was really weird but I didnt think that.
Not when kids are involved and if it was ended on a basis where you both came to agreements with things then that’s really positive and I think that if people can put their differences aside it makes it easier for everyone.
Life is too short to be arguing all the time and making things difficult for one another.
Why was I any different?
I was the meaningless jigsaw piece.
Maybe it was because we wasn’t talking for a massive amount of time but it felt like I had known you for years. I felt like we just clicked, I couldn’t have imagined anything like this ever happening.
At the very worst I would have thought we would have been friends.
The further I come from this, the more time alone I have, the less it feels like that was even my life.
Its strange it feels now like a wandering dream.
People keep bringing up your name and I really don’t know what to say, there are so many things that I don’t know.
I hold my hands up and I apologise, I ask what it was that I did and you never reply.
People say that, that’s because you don’t want to know and the quicker I notice this the easier and better the outcome will be for me.
Maybe something awful happened maybe something happened that you cant tell me about, maybe the truth is you are back with your ex and that’s why you said that people thought it was weird.
Maybe someone said something about me or maybe someone said that I said something about you.
Maybe your sick, or maybe my reaction to you calling me your ex’s name really did piss you off.
Maybe the poem following that pissed you off, maybe you thought some poems I shared where about you.
I’m not sure. I’m not certain.
As I said before in the other parts we never had a row, we didn’t have an argument and it was all left on a really bizzare note.
It was Tuesday and you came over after work you was a bit grumpy as was I and I felt really off unwell, it wasn’t you I was just tired from the school runs after school and starting university.
Maybe you felt that because I was at University that we had different paths, but really that wasn’t your choice to make.
You made choices that week that I didn’t understand and choices I made you didn’t understand.
It was Wednesday and you offered to help with the school runs it was fine. But then that’s when you called me your ex’s name.
Nothing was said about it in the moment. I was in shock because it was a little bit random and first thing, but I just said I needed to think about it I never said I was angry.
I said I needed some space and maybe see you at the weekend since you work late on Wednesdays and Thursdays.
To you this was overreacting, to me it was having time to think about it.
For both of us.
It was Thursday and I hadn’t really heard from you from the Wednesday morning, you used to ask if you could call me, you would text me every 8am saying hey with a waving emoji and say good morning.
All of this was dissolving.
I needed to do something in town and you work in town and I thought it would have been nice to say hello and surprise you.
You didn’t like this you didn’t let me in and you told me there and then abruptly that you did not like surprises.
I couldn’t look at you.
I felt like there was something you was hiding not telling me and I was getting worried.
I really didn’t think that it was worth being this big a deal and wanted to resolve things.
People may think otherwise but honestly all I ever do is to try and resolve things, it makes it easier and better for everyone.
You was cold.
I had never seen you behave so cold.
Saturday came and it was the first ever Saturday I had had without the kids since moving in and it was a great chance to talk and try and resolve things.
You finshed work at 5pm on a Saturday but for whatever reason you chose to stay on and not speak to me until half 7 almost 8.
You couldn’t look at me you was just looking at the floor and having cig after cig.
Saying words and not finishing the sentences.
I had seen this look before on my children when they knew they had done something wrong but there wasn’t really anything that big.
I didn’t want you to feel bad.
I just was confused.
You looked so pale and unwell it was unsettling.
You was saying words like ‘look’ and ‘and..’ ‘maybe’ and not really saying much at all, whilst the steam from your cup of tea was floating off into the garden.
I asked you if you didn’t want to talk or see me anymore, and you said ‘oh no of course not its not that’ and then started talking about having a sched.
You said that you wasn’t happy with my reaction in the week and I upset you coming too see you before work. I apologised.
Next thing we went to the bar where you had first come to see me after a poetry night that had finished.
It made me think so much that in the beginning you did the exact same thing to me you came to see me with no notice, you contacted me and came round and you was persuing me.
I did not act the way that you was.
It didn’t stop you continuing the night and continuing to have drinks with me and a laugh and tell me how nice I looked and how lucky you thought you was.
It didn’t stop you taking me across the road into another bar and continue to talk to me for another 3 hours.
We was in Pave and we spoke about your parents your family.
We spoke about your experiance at university.
We spoke about christmas and we spoke about what your family may have thought about us talking and you was happy and you said that they would be happy and it would have been nice for me to meet them.
You told me in such great detail about the things that you had been though.
We then spoke about filming and films you had been involved in making and ones that you wanted to do.
I told you about the book that I was writing and you told me about what you was writing and that you seeing me write made you want to grow that passion again.
Your phone died and you kept hinting.
I didnt know what you was on about.
You went off to the toilet and I glared down at my phone and saw the message.
YOU said that you was having such an amazing night.
Sainsbury’s was shut and its never shut so we went to the garage because we wanted more cigs.
I hadn’t really eaten much so I got drunk a little bit easier than normal.
We got back to mine and I put some music on I said that we never got chance to dance at spiders that night and maybe we should try it again sometime.
I may have been drunk but I remember everything.
You didn’t want to talk you was all affectionate.
You took me to F&B we had a meal and it was a rip off, I did try and pre-warn you but it felt like you wanted to treat me or spend time with me maybe.
We was umming and arring about what we should do as we was hanging a little bit from the pub drinking.
It was 3pm and you was grumpy tired and you started to stop looking at me again. I felt unhappy even though it had been so nice talking and everything.
It was 3pm and you started going on about needing to use the laundrette and that you needed to go home and get some sleep so I said sure whatever it takes for you to go and be ok.
My feelings was never considered in your scenarios, you went home and you didn’t message me.
It was Monday and I didn’t hear anything, you didn’t mention the weekend and you didn’t ask if I was ok.
It was Tuesday and I just started saying to friends that I think its done because I hadn’t had converstaion with you.
It was Wednesday and you said that you could come over after work to talk but it would have been late and I had a massive stone inside my stomach that was stopping me from eating thinking and sleeping. I didn’t want to accept that maybe you had used me over the weekend.
It was Thursday and people started asking questions and asking if I was sure and I didnt know what to tell anyone.
It was Friday.
It was Saturday
It was Friday.
Don’t stop writing,
Let words give you courage to keep on,
Let flames go on their own,
Without you smouldering them….
Let the damage burn,
Let them cool whilst you recover them,
Don’t stop writing,
For it is your freedom to feel whatever you wish,
Without the judgement of harsh characters,
In your bitter sweet reality.
Don’t stop writing.
My heads scatty, my brain hurts. Some days I struggle waking up today was one of those days.
My wellbeing advisor tells me to go away and organise myself, but things keep getting in the way.
I am so thankful for the true friends, I have around me and I am thankful for being a mum. I am blessed, I am fortunate, I have a roof over my head and sometimes that is always scary. I don’t know how long it will be like that.
This time last year I was evicted, randomly, no notice nothing, came out of nowhere and I have told so many of you this story, it affected me and my family a huge deal.
We wasn’t bad tenants, we didn’t do anything honest to god. Most people assume you can only be evicted if you’ve shit up the walls or not paid the rent.
It was my daughters 8th birthday and I had been out of hospital for 4 weeks. I had an 8 week old baby and the tosser turned up out of nowhere, by contract he had to. He stormed in went under the stairs and said that he needs to make sure a live wire in the garden is turned off. Oh boy, I was mad, I didn’t even shout, I said you need to get an electrician and I want it off, I can’t believe it.
We had been in the house precisely 6 months, the children had been in the garden with this said wire. We had a lot of trouble problems and as a family we deserved time to heal and overcome the trumas we had just gone through. Funnily enough our tenancy was rolling the next day. The landlord left and said nothing, then returned again without notice an hour later.
TRUST ME you could not make this story up and even to this day I wish I went to his work and threw eggs at his window, but a petty revenge conviction is not worth it. I am ok to think it an enjoy the thought though, right?
So he returned and got the live wire disconnected, he had made a huge error. He put us at risk he violated the contract, we would have had grounds to sue, but I opened my big gob and told him to sort it. However I would rather that then let the kids continue to play in the garden, except we wasn’t going to have a garden for much longer.
The next day he posted and eviction notice with a receipt stapled from 2012 of some paint.
Basically threatening us to paint the whole house which was cream or he would take money from our deposit.
So not only was he making us homeless, he was forcing us to paint when it didn’t even need painting to be honest.
Baby, surgery, birthday, evicted.
Bulb hangs from ceiling, cars swish in the puddles passing by the house. Bulb thin shadow then wide, dull light sits on the bed from whatever sun we have left now, bottom sheet due a change, there’s no one other than me that lays so it’s ok.
I watched this video on Facebook about meditation by Russell Brand. I remember laughing at it with you next to me and saying he should have stuck to his job as a comedian.
Bulb, off. Bulb swirly pattern at the end no shade around it, it’s bare cord just seems to have the bulb fitted in tightly at the end.
Bulb, wait I can’t see it, your body is on top of me.
Move out of the way so I can see. Eyes mimic nose points, body parts we take for granted we have to look at these parts of people everyday.
Move out of the way I’m trying to look at the bulb.
Bulb white, dusty cobwebs, flashbacks like holograms. Your body is on top of me. What do you want now for goodness sake I am trying to focus.
Bulb holes in the bottom then scope up inside it. I’m paranoid I know I hear what your saying but what if that’s just a voice in my head, what if your just in my imagination.
Your body thrust me up and down I stare at the bulb it’s waiting it wants to be turned on.
I curl into a ball, small, safe, warm away from November rain.
Child you don’t need to be worried, because you was right.
All them days crying about losing people and being told it’s going to be ok. Told over and over that I never have to do anything that I don’t want to do, I can say ‘no’ if I want to.
I open my eyes and I see your eyes.
Blue, velvet. I fucking love you, the windows open and the curtains are swaying in the breeze. It couldn’t be any better laying with you, there’s trees outside the window, there’s a planet we can fall in love with. But we don’t need that because we can just lay here and be in the moment, beautiful.
You maybe an adult with age but you are a child at heart and it breaks me in half, that I can’t rescue you from yourself. You can blame others for all the issues in your life but it won’t help you.
You lay there and close your eyes again, they shut slowly and you say no words, I push my hand through your hair, naked I walk out of the bed and towards the shower. I wasn’t calling you over but you came along anyway. I love holding you it feels like we are somewhere else we are safe we are away from the problems.
We had no problems.
I was carrying your baby, and you was so excited, I wasn’t so much so at that point. You was talking to me about how amazing it was going to be, we hadn’t been planing. I had been grieving so hard. I had been drinking so much, leaving uni at 3am in the dark. With no one to be with, hours of writing. Because of the funeral, I had to take resits.
I had to walk past the reminder every evening, would it of fucking hurt to say sorry?
We fucking worked that bedroom the neighbour’s where probably pissed by now, sat in their blow up paddling pools, smoking weed.
Why do people do that?
The people across the way have had a broken fridge outside the front for months, and now they’ve added a broken bbq. Do they not know that there is a skip about 4 miles from here?
Why do people do that?
Problems we had no problems.
The hospital called they said that there was a decline in my hormones, all them aches and pains wasn’t imagined.
I grabbed the hammer and smashed the phone to pieces.
There’s so much blood, is there supposed to be this much?
I keep climbing in the bath is that supposed to make it go?
How long am I supposed to sit here.
If I hear another ‘are you ok?’, I will fucking scream. Hearing you talk about how it happends to 1 in 4 women is not making the situation any easier. Being ok in a couple of months, theres always time, is not what is on my mind.
I needed a friend. I needed a family member, I needed someone.
I lay there, you talk to me and I have no words to say, I just stare at the window with the curtains swaying, not as beautiful as they was in the morning.
I blame the house, I blame myself, my stupid body.
Problems, we had none.