faceless in my dreams

you come to me faceless

every night for the last 3 nights
you come to me same words
I scream
‘stop it stop it come back
please ‘
my voice drifts off into the breeze

I collapse my feet give up
the night draws in. the doors are shut. the room in spins into another memory
I grow to forget of you and me.

every night for the last 3 nights
I’ve been in a struggle,
in a fight.
to go to sleep to close my eyes
incase I see you by surprise
just like you’ve gone
just like you’ve died
I just want to be by your side
but I’m just a waste of space
and im your sour aftertaste.

stop visiting me faceless in my dreams
stop talking to me please
stop showing up and haunting me
I’m trying to forget our memory
stop visting me faceless in my dreams
it’s to much for me to see
I can’t escape in the day it seems
what would the next option be at least?

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benefits mum

hello its me
another benefits mum
another where the fucks my child maintenance?
skint at the end of the week
if i rent a house they need 6 month bank statements
in case i’m dodgy
nothing is private

hello its me
another benefits mum
I’ve had my housing delayed
rent nearly late
I made it
tried to get work
but the childcare cost more than a roof and food combined

Hi its me another benefits mum
apart from i’m always off my bum
i’m walking around these streets day in and out repeatedly
and now i’m
another mum asking another mum for a lump sum
to get some food for the little ones

its me
such a strange life to be
when money is controlling me
trapped in a system
patriarchy
cant break free
politicians put a number on me
like a cow in a field
and the media makes me sound like i am some kind of scum
but its hard i have little ones calling me mum
so i must have a responsibility
but the pressure society puts on me
makes me feel like i cant breathe
people assume its how i want to be
but
i could imagine being anywhere better…..

Letter 8 Rizlas

August 2005

dear,

I went to the park on my own today, hoody, joggers green NIKE trainers. I didn’t intend to go out and meet anyone, I just wanted to get out as its the summer holidays and they have been so boring this year. I normally just sit with my headphones in from my mp3 player, sometimes playing the boring album. You can only maybe get 1 or 2 albums on at a time and I don’t have that many CDs to start with anyway, maroon 5 is getting a little bit repetitive.

There where these lads here today that came over to me and started talking one was a little round and tried to bike around on top of the chopped up bark flooring, another one sort of skinny and has glasses and the 3rd he was oldest 15 and seemed a bit scruffy. And my god they could have done with a shower.

One of the lads asked what my name was , and I said Lilyth but it took them awhile to get there tounges around it. Asking me why I was on my own and why I’m not playing with anyone, and I tried to explain that no one I know was around here or out.

I got off the swing and went towards the climbing frame and we sat in the under part, away from the rain. The oldest lad was boasting about how he had learned how to roll cigarettes and that he smokes. He was a lot older than me but we didn’t seem to different. I don’t understand why they smelt so bad, I’m guessing that’s puberty or something. Oh, and they started asking if I was single , that was a little awkward.

Anyway the oldest lad was called Luke and he was really cute and I was telling him off saying he shouldn’t be smoking and that he is too young. When he wasn’t looking I took the packet of Green Rizlas off him. He seemed pretty lost I couldn’t help but think that the summer holiday had been a bit tough for him too.

They walked me home.

August 20th

I’ve been at dads all this week, mum said that the boys from the park keep coming to knock for me I told her to give them my number so I could text.

September 3rd

Mum called me today I haven’t been able to see her for some time dads been driving me around all his work places and I’m back at school this week I cant believe they’ve been knocking for so many weeks, I said to her again to give my number then I could text them, she must keep forgetting.

November 9th

Mum said that it is the last time that them lads call for me and she said she told them not to call on me anymore because I don’t live with her. I said it wasn’t my fault I wasn’t asking them to call on me. I feel a little bit sad though, I’ve put the Rizlas in one of my boxes and put it under the bed.

August 2009

I’ve been clearing out my bedroom now that I have to get ready for GCSE work, when I found this small thing of cig papers. I cant believe that I had them in my room for so long.

Letter 7 The Ambulance

August 7th 2003

Dear …

I always get a bit anxious when its weekends or half terms, I know most of my friends will be going on holiday or sometimes going out somewhere nice. But sometimes I have to sit in with my brothers, and mums finding it hard to wake up and my step dads filling the downstairs up with smoke. It would have been nice to stay with dad this weekend but he’s on a fun weekend away with a girl he has been talking to over msn.

11am

Mums still asleep on the sofa and we’ve been told its best to stay upstairs until everyone is awake.

3pm

Its been a bit of a boring day and mum went out an hour ago, step dad came up stairs to see if we had seen her, my youngest brothers climbing onto the top bunk and swinging off the bars.

7pm

We’ve spent most of the afternoon playing upstairs and watching Mr Bean but I really want to go home now but dad isn’t picking up the phone or replying to my messages. Dad gave me an emergency mobile phone when I was 6 or maybe 7 in case I ever needed him for emergency’s, I’m not too sure what that means. I remember once I was in the corner shop on Newland Avenue next to Jackson’s and I went inside next moment my mum had gone, and I didn’t know what to do she had just left me there.

My step dad just came in the room and said he would have to leave me here to watch them, I didn’t like this idea as I am only 8 and I don’t want to be left alone without my mum and dad. He looked really concerned and said that he needed to go and look for mum as she had gone missing all day and that he was very worried about her.

10pm

Its a bit strange being in a house on my own my brothers eventually went to sleep.

There’s some blue lights flashing on the curtains, I wonder if that means mums home now.

What’s wrong with me ?

What’s wrong with me?

You tell me all the things I want to hear

And I want you to want me like you say you do

But I can’t be in love with you?

I can’t find the way to restart this game?

And things just don’t seem to feel the same?

What is wrong with me ?

Your telling me the things I died to hear…

Still

I miss you… still

I hate every lingering habit

I picked up from you

every shoulder shrug

every empty hug

every empty rumble from not eating from anxiety before arriving at yours… I miss you…. Still… I miss that I can’t fucking text

and if I do ill become a crazy ex

I hate that I can’t just turn up and say

anything,

because you’ll push me away.

I hate that your probably at the other side of the world by now.

and im frozen in the palm of your hands.

I picture myself in my coat with the fluffy hood

looking up to you as snow falls

the part where I feel in love

I still miss…. this

this feeling where I’m so fucking high

and I can’t take you off my mind

the days of hours sat wondering

what the hell we are doing and if your going to end up coming… over

stumbling… words like broken stairs that lead to nowhere

and im scared, that I miss you…. Still.

My head hits the pillow

my head hits the pillow.. down falls my body

laying on the sheet

down goes my worries

inside it heats

off goes the quilt

my head hits the pillow

my head hits the pillow

Monday soon turns to Sunday

and Saturdays never felt the same since I was 18

thats a whole lot of alcohol

a whole lot of drinking

now people asking me why I don’t just have a bottle

my head hits the pillow

another pillow

another bed

and beside me another head

my body falls

it lands inside the sheets

my worries climb in

like I gave them some kind of welcoming

I’m a disaster and you still persue me

that’s a shame

my head hits the pillow

down goes my head

head on the pillow again and again…

Deadly

depression is an illness that knows no forgiveness. depression is deadly and can take over if you let it

depression is cunning and scarily addictive

can cast out a shadow of your worst fears and doubts

depression is a dementure that takes over your soul,

it feeds off your body it can swallow you whole,

depression is an illness a deadly disease,

it can spread it if you let it, take down cities and streets,

we need to work harder a cure must be there,

depression is deadly it just doesn’t care…

depression is darkness its voiceless and sharp,

intelligent and pretty like a spark in the heart,

don’t let depression make you feel guilty ashamed or afraid,

take back the courage to fight it away.

dont let people tell you your abnormal or strange, depression is common and can hurt anyone daily…

depression is close it came a couple of times, yeah a few, but I met some great people who had been through it too,

they gave me some pointers,

some tips to get rid,

but the remedy not quite there,

sometimes it can win.

Letter 6 ‘thunder’

6th of August 2007

‘Thunder’

Dear,

It’s been terrible weather this evening and whilst everyone else in the house cries or hides when the thunder and lightening strikes. Dad always runs up to the attic with a microphone recorder. I’m never allowed in the attic and I get pretty freaked out or scared by the dolls he keeps on the stairs and landing. They are the dolls you see in shop windows.
Mannequins so they call them.
Terrifying. 
I snuck up tip toeing up the stairs so he didn’t yell at me and tell me to go. He still managed to hear the very faint squeak of the floor boards break.
“Lil?”
I slowly started to walk backwards but nearly toppled over my feet my socks where loose.

“Lil is that you”

Dad asked opening the door.

“Yes” I whispered

“What are you doing up”

“I can’t sleep the thunders scary”

“It’s ok come in but then you must go to sleep”

The door creaked open I hadn’t been in the attic before. Dad hated me or my brothers going in. My step mum only ever went in to develop photos in water trays.

The room was cluttered with books, comics, toys still in boxes, we wasn’t allowed to take them out the packaging , speakers, baby dolls and mannequins and a record player. Some rope hanging with images pegged on.

Sat near the computer desk with the ceiling window open was dad “shhh…” he said “can you hear that?….it’s beautiful”

Aaaaand that’s ok with me

You can ruin my parade today

You can piss on my bonfire

You can eat all the birthday cake say they’re left overs and was by mistake

You can shit stir you can make me look like a fool

You can do it all you want because I’m giving up

Aaaaaand that’s ok, with me !

You can scare off all possible opportunities

You can take away my pride at least

You can act as though I am a beast

You can make out that I am a thief

It doesn’t seem to make much difference

Your efforts are insignificant

Aaaaaand that’s ok , with me!

You can burst all my balloons

You can call me names destroy my fun

You can trick me into loving you

Punish me time and time

I don’t care I guess I’m fine

Aaaaaaand that’s ok, with me!