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Rubber ball

I should probably go out

But I don’t feel there’s anywhere to go

That I belong

And I did this once or twice before

Then I had people knocking at the door

All I’d give is to be alone

But at the same time to be at the other end of your phone

Just so I could see if you see all my replies

Or ignore me and pump me up with lies

My body bursts and aches from your deceit

Should I at last hold up my hands in defeat

My body it weeps

Blown away by the cold air not long ago

I take each day more vitamins than you know

And why do I keep fighting

When I don’t know what I’m fighting for

You mention my health but you really don’t see

This is now pain you’ve inflicted on me

It makes no sense

No sense at all

Im done fed up of being your rubber ball.

I was anxious-part 19-It was Friday

It was Friday and you had been let down again from seeing the girls.

We managed to get over most of the hurdles we faced during the middle.

We spoke a bit more and we was on a good page with one another.

I wanted to surprise you treat you.

We was both wearing jumpers that looked the same which made me giggle, we was alike and it was nice.

I like being around people who are alike and can relate.

You had no idea but I wanted to get out of the house, things where getting you down and I could tell.

So we went out for dinner and I bought you whatever you fancied.

You was telling me about the foods you liked and enjoyed and said you would show me how to cook them and could make my own versions I wanted to make, for what I was able to eat.

Fridays where strange you finished earlier on a Friday then what you would on a Wednesday and Thursday.

You would remind me this every week.

I tried to cheer you up help you understand that it probably isn’t personal at all and you kept telling me how worried you was that maybe the kids wouldnt want to know you the older they became.

I said that wouldn’t be likely and that kids that age like seeing their friends and not hanging out with their parents.

It meant alot to you and I respected that and you agreed to just try and keep communicating.

You was proud that you was able to maintain a mutural set up with you ex said that you knew that to some people would think that was really weird but I didnt think that.

Not when kids are involved and if it was ended on a basis where you both came to agreements with things then that’s really positive and I think that if people can put their differences aside it makes it easier for everyone.

Life is too short to be arguing all the time and making things difficult for one another.

Why was I any different?

I was the meaningless jigsaw piece.

Maybe it was because we wasn’t talking for a massive amount of time but it felt like I had known you for years. I felt like we just clicked, I couldn’t have imagined anything like this ever happening.

At the very worst I would have thought we would have been friends.

The further I come from this, the more time alone I have, the less it feels like that was even my life.

Its strange it feels now like a wandering dream.

Unreal.

People keep bringing up your name and I really don’t know what to say, there are so many things that I don’t know.

I hold my hands up and I apologise, I ask what it was that I did and you never reply. 

People say that, that’s because you don’t want to know and the quicker I notice this the easier and better the outcome will be for me.

Maybe something awful happened maybe something happened that you cant tell me about, maybe the truth is you are back with your ex and that’s why you said that people thought it was weird.

Maybe someone said something about me or maybe someone said that I said something about you.

Maybe your sick, or maybe my reaction to you calling me your ex’s name really did piss you off.

Maybe the poem following that pissed you off, maybe you thought some poems I shared where about you.

I’m not sure. I’m not certain.

As I said before in the other parts we never had a row, we didn’t have an argument and it was all left on a really bizzare note.

It was Tuesday and you came over after work you was a bit grumpy as was I and I felt really off unwell, it wasn’t you I was just tired from the school runs after school and starting university.

Maybe you felt that because I was at University that we had different paths, but really that wasn’t your choice to make.

You made choices that week that I didn’t understand and choices I made you didn’t understand.

It was Wednesday and you offered to help with the school runs it was fine. But then that’s when you called me your ex’s name.

Nothing was said about it in the moment. I was in shock because it was a little bit random and first thing, but I just said I needed to think about it I never said I was angry.

I said I needed some space and maybe see you at the weekend since you work late on Wednesdays and Thursdays.

To you this was overreacting, to me it was having time to think about it.

For both of us.

It was Thursday and I hadn’t really heard from you from the Wednesday morning, you used to ask if you could call me, you would text me every 8am saying hey with a waving emoji and say good morning.

All of this was dissolving. 

I needed to do something in town and you work in  town and I thought it would have been nice to say hello and surprise you.

You didn’t like this you didn’t let me in and you  told me there and then abruptly that you did not like surprises.

I couldn’t look at you.

I felt like there was something you was hiding not telling me and I was getting worried.

I really didn’t think that it was worth being this big a deal and wanted to resolve things.

People may think otherwise but honestly all I ever do is to try and resolve things, it makes it easier and better for everyone.

You was cold.

I had never seen you behave so cold.

Ever.

Saturday came and it was the first ever Saturday I had had without the kids since moving in and it was a great chance to talk and try and resolve things.

You finshed work at 5pm on a Saturday but for whatever reason you chose to stay on and not speak to me until half 7 almost 8.

You couldn’t look at me you was just looking at the floor and having cig after cig.

Saying words and not finishing the sentences.

I had seen this look before on my children when they knew they had done something wrong but there wasn’t really anything that big.

I didn’t want you to feel bad.

I just was confused.

You looked so pale and unwell it was unsettling.

You was saying words like ‘look’ and ‘and..’ ‘maybe’ and not really saying much at all, whilst the steam from your cup of tea was floating off into the garden.

I asked you if you didn’t want to talk or see me anymore, and you said ‘oh no of course not its not that’ and then started talking about having a sched.

You said that you wasn’t happy with my reaction in the week and I upset you  coming too see you before work. I apologised.

Next thing we went to the bar where you had first come to see me after a poetry night that had finished.

It made me think so much that in the beginning  you did the exact same thing to me you came to see me with no notice, you contacted me and came round and you was persuing me.

I did not act the way that you was.

It didn’t stop you continuing the night and continuing to have drinks with me and a laugh and tell me how nice I looked and how lucky you thought you was.

It didn’t stop you taking me across the road into another bar and continue to talk to me for another 3 hours.

We was in Pave and we spoke about your parents your family.

We spoke about your experiance at university.

We spoke about christmas and we spoke about what your family may have thought about us talking and you was happy and you said that they would be happy and it would have been nice for me to meet them.

You told me in such great detail about the things that you had been though.

We then spoke about filming and films you had been involved in making and ones that you wanted to do.

I told you about the book that I was writing and you told me about what you was writing and that you seeing me write made you want to grow that passion again. 

Your phone died and you kept hinting.

I didnt know what you was on about.

You went off to the toilet and I glared down at my phone and saw the message.

YOU said that you was having such an amazing night.

Last orders.

Sainsbury’s was shut  and its never shut so we went to the garage because we wanted more cigs.

I hadn’t really eaten much so I got drunk a little bit easier than normal.

…..

We got back to mine and I put some music on I said that we never got chance to dance at spiders that night and maybe we should try it again sometime.

I may have been drunk but I remember everything.

You didn’t want to talk you was all affectionate.

Sunday.

You took me to F&B we had a meal and it was a rip off, I did try and pre-warn you but it felt like you wanted to treat me or spend time with me maybe.

We was umming and arring about what we should do as we was hanging a little bit from the pub drinking.

It was 3pm and you was grumpy tired and you started to stop looking at me again. I felt unhappy even though it had been so nice talking and everything.

It was 3pm and you started going on about needing to use the laundrette and that you needed to go home and get some sleep so I said sure whatever it takes for you to go and be ok.

My feelings was never considered in your scenarios, you went home and you didn’t message me.

It was Monday and I didn’t hear anything, you didn’t mention the weekend and you didn’t ask if I was ok.

It was Tuesday and I just started saying to friends that I think its done because I hadn’t had  converstaion with you.

It was Wednesday and you said that you could come over after work to talk but it would have been late and I had a massive stone inside my stomach that was stopping me from eating thinking and sleeping. I didn’t want to accept that maybe you had used me over the weekend.

It was Thursday and people started asking questions and asking if I was sure and I didnt know what to tell anyone.

It was Friday.

It was Saturday

Sunday

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

It was Friday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was anxious- part 10 another month 1st November

I put bird feed out for the birds, but we all know it attracts the rats.

Stand in the garden and all I can hear is loud sirens from the ambulances and police cars.

Living in the city is loud.

I could really do with a hug.

Tiger has been growing her winter coat and I know you didn’t like cats, but she rubbed off on you. Literally, she would push her furry skin up against you and you took her on for the short time you was about.

You would bring her a box of cat food and use the kids bowls to feed her. I was really anxious about that because I didn’t want to get bowls mixed up again and feed the kids cat flavoured coco pops. #nevermind

I loved it when you looked at me with pure innocence but we both knew there was no innocence left inside those eyes.

You was telling me things you hadn’t been telling yourself and things you hadn’t been telling others.

Distance wasn’t about to make the heart grow fonder it was about to break them apart in to tiny teeny pieces.

You haunt me with you words like “mush, mush” and your causal shrug of “sure”. I didn’t want to admit it but I looked up on things you liked because I wanted to get to know you more and understand deep inside your world.

People say I want to have that role of being someone’s saviour but I actually enjoyed the concept of having people around me willing to try and help and save me.

Little things like folding the clothes doing the pots and being interested, invested.

I liked it when you was about to tell me something really kind but then filled in the gaps with “mush, mush”.

#hopelessromantic

You was in your element at least, I thought you was and you wanted to be in my crazy world as much as I wanted to be in yours.

But things changed and I don’t cope well with sudden changes. That’s what you said to me and I felt the same, always felt the same.

It was hard adjusting to having a huge 3 bed house with a drive to being in a little tiny box house with barely any room to swing the cat. Then being back in a fairly huge house again with a garden. If your confused then please go back to other parts of I was anxious.

The space was made up with good company from my neighbour who I also knew from going to school with. I really miss hanging out with her and catching up.

This year has been a significant year for many.

I had mice coming in the front part of the house and it was really handy having a cat about to catch them.

Maybe things I shouldn’t be worrying about. In the end I found it fairly amusing pleasing, thinking wow I’m pretty lucky I have such a loyal cat that’s prepared to fight off these mice.

I’m pretty lucky that I have such a fun loving friend who was there for me whlist I was really struggling with living in that house. I even thought to myself at one point I was prepared to stay there and save for the sake of having a friend next door.

People are kind and sometimes they’re kind in unfamiliar ways.

It’s people like her and you and even you and people like him and my best friend and best friend from college and close friend from Instagram. The children then cat my family, the generous people at my university, hell even moody cow in herons made me happy. High days felt amazing and I needed no cigarettes, no alcohol or money.

That made me want to continue my life.

Confusing me

My face is a completely different shape,

And I don’t even sound the same,

My hair is brown and hers is black,

Different backgrounds,

I don’t get the same support,

I’m a lone wolf,

Head dragged back,

I’ve been distraught,

Your confusing me…

With her,

You know you could have trusted me my dear,

You didnt ever have to feel in fear,

I’m more understanding then you think,

She wears cotton I wear silk,

I might have skipped on some luxuries,

A life so far on handouts it has been,

But I would never ever expect it to be,

The be all and end all, don’t you see?

Trust me,

Your confusing me,

With someone that exploited your expectations,

Someone who used you as convenience,

We wasn’t agreeing to any distance,

You got freaked out because it meant something,

You told me it was worth it.

Your confusing me with her,

And we don’t even compare.

 

I.O.U

I can’t remember,
Why am here,
I’m so lost.
I can’t remember your face,
Can’t remember the sense of your body,
I’m lost.
I’ve been walking around this room, for so long,
Figuring out what’s been going on,
I turn on the light and your still gone.
Darkness, gives me some comfort.
I can’t remember your smell,
I thought I knew you so well.

Still doing the patterns,
Behaviours, you taught me.
Cleaning up, because you said,
It would give space, in my head.

Hoping it would impress.

Bring some of you back.

I matched the sofa, to the curtains, in the end,
I cleared the clothes,
Put up a new shower curtain…
Managed the dirty cupboard under the sink.

But then, I fall into a whirlwind Of disturbed thinking.

Crying, myself into the blue.

Tomorrow’s keep on coming,
days grow bigger gaps, to being close to you.

I can’t remember why, I’m here.
I’m so lost,
I can’t understand, why I hold out my hand, and your not there.

I used to think I was walking around inside a nightmare,
But
I know nightmares end,
And this isn’t ending,
I can’t remember your face,
Your hair,
Skin so soft,
Was you ever there?

Can’t remember the taste,
Eyes,
A laugh so contagious… I can’t remember why?
I can’t remember your name,
I said it all along,
Your smell,
I thought I knew you so well…
We didn’t fight,
But I thought it might help now,
If I say your right…

Just so I don’t have to feel these four walls surrounding…
Constricted,
Confined.
Your the one who kept me standing,
Distance.
Left behind.

benefits mum

hello its me
another benefits mum
another where the fucks my child maintenance?
skint at the end of the week
if i rent a house they need 6 month bank statements
in case i’m dodgy
nothing is private

hello its me
another benefits mum
I’ve had my housing delayed
rent nearly late
I made it
tried to get work
but the childcare cost more than a roof and food combined

Hi its me another benefits mum
apart from i’m always off my bum
i’m walking around these streets day in and out repeatedly
and now i’m
another mum asking another mum for a lump sum
to get some food for the little ones

its me
such a strange life to be
when money is controlling me
trapped in a system
patriarchy
cant break free
politicians put a number on me
like a cow in a field
and the media makes me sound like i am some kind of scum
but its hard i have little ones calling me mum
so i must have a responsibility
but the pressure society puts on me
makes me feel like i cant breathe
people assume its how i want to be
but
i could imagine being anywhere better…..

Letter 8 Rizlas

August 2005

dear,

I went to the park on my own today, hoody, joggers green NIKE trainers. I didn’t intend to go out and meet anyone, I just wanted to get out as its the summer holidays and they have been so boring this year. I normally just sit with my headphones in from my mp3 player, sometimes playing the boring album. You can only maybe get 1 or 2 albums on at a time and I don’t have that many CDs to start with anyway, maroon 5 is getting a little bit repetitive.

There where these lads here today that came over to me and started talking one was a little round and tried to bike around on top of the chopped up bark flooring, another one sort of skinny and has glasses and the 3rd he was oldest 15 and seemed a bit scruffy. And my god they could have done with a shower.

One of the lads asked what my name was , and I said Lilyth but it took them awhile to get there tounges around it. Asking me why I was on my own and why I’m not playing with anyone, and I tried to explain that no one I know was around here or out.

I got off the swing and went towards the climbing frame and we sat in the under part, away from the rain. The oldest lad was boasting about how he had learned how to roll cigarettes and that he smokes. He was a lot older than me but we didn’t seem to different. I don’t understand why they smelt so bad, I’m guessing that’s puberty or something. Oh, and they started asking if I was single , that was a little awkward.

Anyway the oldest lad was called Luke and he was really cute and I was telling him off saying he shouldn’t be smoking and that he is too young. When he wasn’t looking I took the packet of Green Rizlas off him. He seemed pretty lost I couldn’t help but think that the summer holiday had been a bit tough for him too.

They walked me home.

August 20th

I’ve been at dads all this week, mum said that the boys from the park keep coming to knock for me I told her to give them my number so I could text.

September 3rd

Mum called me today I haven’t been able to see her for some time dads been driving me around all his work places and I’m back at school this week I cant believe they’ve been knocking for so many weeks, I said to her again to give my number then I could text them, she must keep forgetting.

November 9th

Mum said that it is the last time that them lads call for me and she said she told them not to call on me anymore because I don’t live with her. I said it wasn’t my fault I wasn’t asking them to call on me. I feel a little bit sad though, I’ve put the Rizlas in one of my boxes and put it under the bed.

August 2009

I’ve been clearing out my bedroom now that I have to get ready for GCSE work, when I found this small thing of cig papers. I cant believe that I had them in my room for so long.

anxiety my chains

Anxiety my chains
.
I’m shy,
but not really,
smile,
but I’m                  secrectly,
crying.
I’m laughing!
silent,
but I’m chatting!
.
I’m shy,
but not really.
I’m cold,
and im needy.
the
attention
you
give
me
smokes
like
fire
in my belly.
and im ready,
when your ready…
slow  ,
but I’m steady,
quick,
and on edge,
anxiety.
my chains
just want to feel,’normal’ again.
.

dear reader

dear readers….

I would like to thankyou for all your time and support on my creative writing journey. I am honored to share my poems with you my posts about my life and journey. I would really like to now take this opportunity to write even more…

I know I have my own style and specific audience and that’s fine.

Even if I get one person reading
that is massive to me and means a great deal…

I would like to welcome you to the next 31 Days of August where I will be writing in the style of a diary in Letter form. You guessed it! Lettersyoullneversee original.

I want to be able to write an expressive form of writing, I don’t want to refrain or take out things, I want this to be an original piece of work. I don’t know where the journey will land me, if viewers will read, if people will enjoy it.

that’s OK, so long as that one person is with me every step of the way. I will try to keep up with it best I can.

now…. I want to warn anyone who is used to usual content, the letters written in a diary entry are from some true life events, some are real characters some maybe made up or over emphsised. This is written for an adult audience and not aimed at children. Based on the mind of a child, pre teen and young adult, in jumbled formation. There is 100% no intent to cause anyone upset or distress.

Tomorrow I welcome you to Lettersyoullneversee 2019 Letters!

Thankyou again for reading

Much love, yours truly 😘

Lilyth

belongs to me

belongs to me
.
my body,
is for my enjoyment,
every strap,
every lace,
every mark,
beauty spot,
it belongs to me.
my body is,
MY temple,
and I will not give you one piece!
if I choose to share with you,
then you,
shall respect it,
as if it is your own,
it is not for you to comment,
I will not be objectified,
sexualised,
or demonised,
I do things for my own satisfaction,
no man, No other,
not for their joy,
entertainment,
my body it belongs to me.

dream

dream

you was in my dream
yet again
dreaming
dreaming
I never want to leave
if only you could stay
inside my dream
every time I fall asleep…
I see you change
become a better man
than you ever have
and nothing still
takes it away
how I feel for you
but I know its all delusional
nothing will be soluble

an urge

an urge to be with

I can’t help it
I can’t get you off my mind
I have so many good feelings inside
when I think of your eyes
meeting mine
it’s like the pit of my
stomach
lifts me up and brings me to the light

an urge to be with
you…

I can’t control it
my twitching arms
and tickly toes
won’t keep still
i feel like
I’m cycling up a hill
but when I reach the top
all the struggle is forgot
because I’m with you
I have an urge to be with
I have a problem to deal with
you

not a day walks by
not a year takes you off my mind
not a dancing party
drinking session
dirty pizza binge evening

makes it easier
makes it better

I have an urge
a strong urge
to be with
to be seen with
link arm and arm with

you.