It wasn’t supposed to be like this,
Your body gone along the cliff,
Your shadow dance along the wall,
Can’t take it down,
I hope you know,
I spent so much time chasing you,
I spent so much time to make things new,
I’m burnt, I’m broken, along the bones,
of the ground, amongst the stones,
breath is heavy, asthma’s here,
panic attack breathing,
in the atmosphere,
To you I hand my hands in chains,
Ready, steady, my pulse, my veins,
Just take me back and I will fly,
Or leave me here to surely…die.
You stand at the end of the bed,
you tut, you shrug, you climb ahead,
We lay intoxicated towards the ceiling,
Don’t ask once just how I’m feeling,
I tell you, I tell you, I tell you dear,
but not one hand wipes away my tear,
You restrain from showing me any empathy,
My wing it breaks even more for all to see, As I sleep you slip a note,
under the pillow, as you go,
I hold its crinkled body close,
I wake up the truth, I still don’t know…
It’s shocking it’s crippling it’s happening dear,
Not another hand of empathy waves a tear,
My wing in tatters,
No nothing could have prevented this from happening.
But if you collect the pieces,
please stick them back onto my wing,
So I can leave this deadly sin,
So I can fly away from here,
So I don’t have to cry, another tear,
So I don’t have to keep on waiting up,
Quickly, before I turn to self destruct. ****
Month by Month
Lettersyoullneversee · December 9, 2019 · Him · anxietypoetry, awareness, ❤️, beauty, believer, blog, blogger, bloggers, blogging, breakup, burning, cheat, citylife, creative, creativewriting, Creator, deardiary, Depressed, depression, derelict, desire, diary, distance, emotion, endofworld, english, eternity, evening, explore, fate, fear, femalepoet, fineart, heartbreak, heartbroken
It wasn’t supposed to be like this,
Lettersyoullneversee · November 15, 2019 · notebook · 2019, anxietypoetry, author, authorscomunity, blog, blogger, bloggers, blogging, book, community+friends, Consent, creative, creativewriting, deardiary, Depressed, depression, destiny, diary, disire, distance, domesticabuse, domesticabuseawareness, endofworld, femalepoet, fineart, happypoem, Hull, Kingston-upon-Hull, Kingstonuponhull, kiss, law, Lettersyoullneversee, lovepoem, Loveyou, lust, poetry, poetryanxiety, poetrycomunity, shortstory, spokenword, yorkshirepoet
Lettersyoullneversee · November 12, 2019 · I was anxious, Lettersyoullneversee · 18only, 31days, 31daysofletters, abandoned, adultcontent, always, anxietypoetry, austerity, author, authors, authorscomunity, blogger, bloggers, blogging, book, boyfriend, breakup, burning, bye, cheat, citylife, comeback, comehome, community, Consent, creativewriting, deardiary, Depressed, desire, destiny, diary, domesticabuse, domesticabuseawareness, dreams, drinking, emotion, endofworld, erotic, eternity, evening, explore, nofilter, official, original, pain, peace, pleasure, poe, poem, poerty, poet, poetry, poetryanxiety, poetrycommunity, poetrycomunity, poetryforhim, postnatal, published, publishedwriter, reading, readme, reality, Reblog, relationships, romance, romantic, ryhme, sad, safe, script, Selfpublish, selfworth, sense, Share, sharing, shortstory, silence, Singlemum, smell, smile, Songwriter, speechless, spokenword, stories, story, student, subscribe, summer, sun, tears, tease, teenagepoems, theend, time, torn, touch, truelove, uk, urban, urbex, videos, vss365, vssbook, vsspoem, wanderlust, warrior, woman, Wordpress, Wordpressblog, wordpresscommunity, world, write, writer, writers, writerscommunity, yorkshirepoet, youmatter, youtube
It was Thursday and you was at work. I was in town going to primark, on my own. I was wearing my yellow coat, hair pinned, makeup on. I wasn’t going to let what brought me down stop me taking care of myself.
Plus if you see me looking fine then it’s all fine.
You had been avoiding me and you vanished.
You left some clothes at mine I offered to help clean and dry because you dont have a working washing machine.
You didn’t bother to collect them.
Pretty sloppy really.
You was like oh right “hi” and “thankyou” you then followed me out of the door and said “so, you got any plans then” you nearly got me teared up I mean you fucking vanished POOF and then your asking me if I had plans.
“No. Not really.”
“You not seeing your friend”
“No not heard off them”
“Not got uni?”
I just said I was going and said bye, you was stood leaning on the door. It was like some stupidly soppy romance film that had gone terribly wrong.
It was a haunting moment. You actually looked sad.
The next week I realised you left your charger. I mean you said it’s fine keep it but I really didn’t want any pieces of you left behind. How is it fair that I have to live with reminders but you can go about your daily life not giving a shit.
I went through town after counselling to return it.
I was stood for a little bit and I sort of thought you knew I was there but ignored me.
I said I will leave it on the till then.
You just said ‘ok thanks then Lil’ and sat back down. You had grown a massive beard.
I haven’t been back since haven’t even walked in that area. The thought of it makes me want to be sick.
You had a carseat and I said I was in no rush. Since what fecking use of it is to me when I have no car.
I said leave it at our friends I will get it at some point. It ended up with a friend of a friend. I actually thought you’d bring it back after the party.
You was in a rush you wanted me out as much as I wanted you out. Maybe?
It was it was our friends birthday party and I said I wasn’t sure at first if I should go but you said it would be ok maybe awkward at first.
I wasnt planning on staying long I had a gift and needed to drop it off.
Then I realised a whole conversation was happening without me behind closed doors.
That was low.
So, I wasn’t allowed to go to the party in the end.
& that was that, everything had been returned to where it should have been at least in smaller areas.
Lettersyoullneversee · November 11, 2019 · I was anxious, Lettersyoullneversee · anxiety, anxietypoetry, author, authors, authorscomunity, awareness, boyfriend, Consent, creative, creativewriting, crisis, cry, dark, deardiary, Depressed, depression, diary, distance, domesticabuse, domesticabuseawareness, emo, emotion, endofworld, erotic, eternity, femalepoet, follow me, gone, goodbye, happypoem, Hurt, I love you, iloveyou, imwriting, lovepoem, lovepoetry, lovestory, micropoetry, poems, poetrycommunity, publishedwriter, shortstory, writer
It was Sunday and I was about to wake up and recover from a pretty heavy hangover.
I hadn’t stayed out at anyones house since I was 19.
I wasn’t about to make a habit either, I couldn’t tell if you was embarrassed that I stayed or just drunk. This is the part where things seemed ok but got a bit awkward.
We was sat in the night club and I was on your knee with your arms wrapped around me. Beams of lights flashed all around, up and down, side to side. Music played and people spoke really loud.
You was patient with me, you knew I was far too upset to talk. You brushed my tears aside and said ‘oh Lil’ and said that it was upsetting to see me so upset. You didn’t get impatient with me and shout. I honestly thought you loved me cared about me.
I felt like the devil had grabbed my ankles, swung me backwards and dragged me under.
I couldn’t contain my emotions. With you, I felt safe. Constant worry was taking over, the dreaded what ifs and the thoughts I had before I met you was still haunting me.
I remember when I was at college sitting in front of my counsellor , we was speaking about alcohol, as a mood intensifier and revealer. That night the mask had fallen and everyone saw me as a state.
You may have passed it off as being drunk but this is how I felt on a regular basis this was the me you didn’t learn to understand or want to know.
We walked over to the bar and got some water, then went outside into the smokers area where we met another of your friends. He was quite drunk, loud, rude. Come Monday you even agreed with me what he said was a bit much but you never followed it up.
He was saying “Lilly has big titties and likes lots of willy’s” I just thought it was a strange thing to say to someones new girlfriend.
We had a look for your friends that was staying over and you said that I was ok if I stayed as I really wasn’t feeling very well and I didn’t want to go back home on my own.
You handed my some Star Wars pjs insisted I put them on I took the offer on the top but the bottoms where double of my legs. It was cute and strange, most men would have wanted me to strip off would have tried something on but you was different. You respected me and it was a great deal to get used to. I remember drifting off shortly after that listening to people in the living room talk.
Come morning you offered to make people a cup of tea but it had seemed that the milk in the fridge had gone off.
Your friend took me home, asked if I wanted to sit on a carseat first and then dropped off. Another dig at my age and height.
That was the end of the night.
Lettersyoullneversee · November 8, 2019 · I was anxious, Him, My Only · 18only, 2019, 31days, 31daysofletters, 5star, abandoned, abandonedhouses, abandonedphotography, adult, adultcontent, always, amazon, anxiety, anxietypoetry, art, austerity, author, authors, authorscomunity, award, awareness, ❤️, beauty, believer, benefits, bestseller, blog, blogger, bloggers, blogging, book, breaking news, breakup, budget, burning, bye, cheat, City, citylife, comeback, comehome, comment, community, community local, community+friends, Consent, creative, creativewriting, Creator, crisis, cry, dad, dads, dark, day, deardiary, Depressed, depression, derelict, desire, destiny, diary, disire, distance, domesticabuse, domesticabuseawareness, download, drama, dream, dreams, drinking, earth, emo, emotion, endofworld, english, enjoy, erotic, eternity, evening, explore, facebook, fate, fear, feature, feelings, femalephotographer, femalepoet, feminism, feminist, fighter, fineart, fire, follow, follow me, follower, followme, forever, forgotten, forgotton, freedom, freestyle, friends, girls, gone, goodbye, goth, graffiti, happypoem, happypoen, health, hearbreak, heart, heartbreak, heartbroken, Help, her, Him, hold, holiday, home, hope, Hornsea, horrible, hugs, Hull, humour, Hurt, I love you, iloveyou, important, imwriting, indie, inlove, Instagram, joke, journal, journalism, karma, kind, Kingston-upon-Hull, Kingstonuponhull, kiss, law, letters, Lettersyoullneversee, Life, like, lilyth, lips, live, lordline, loss, lost, love, lovepoem, lovepoetry, lovestory, Loveyou, lust, me, medical, medicine, Menntalhealthmatters, mental health, mentalabuse, mentalhealth, mentalhealthmatters, Metoo, micropoetry, mind, miss you, missyou, modern, mood, moon, mum, need, newbook, News, nofilter, official, openmic, opinion, original, pain, parent, passion, peace, people, performance, photo, photographer, photography, pleasure, po, poe, poem, poems, poerty, poet, poetry, poetryanxiety, poetrycommunity, poetrycomunity, poetryforhim, politics, popular, post, postnatal, pray, pregnancy, pressthis, prestonroad, privatelaw, project, publish, published, publishedwriter, rap, read, reading, readme, reality, Reblog, relationships, renting, romance, romantic, ryhme, sad, safe, sand, script, sea, Selfpublish, selfworth, sense, sex, Share, sharing, she, shortstory, silence, Singlemum, smell, smile, songs, Songwriter, soul, speechless, Spirit, spokenword, stars, stories, story, student, subscribe, summer, sun, taste, tears, tease, teen, teenagepoems, thankyou, thea, theater, time, torn, touch, truelove, twitter, uk, urban, urbex, videos, vss365, vssbook, vsspoem, wanderlust, war, warrior, we, woman, women, word, Wordpress, Wordpressblog, wordpresscommunity, world, wr, write, writer, writers, writerscommunity, writing, Yorkshire poet, yorkshirepoet, you, youmatter, youtube, zombies
It was Friday and you had been let down again from seeing the girls.
We managed to get over most of the hurdles we faced during the middle.
We spoke a bit more and we was on a good page with one another.
I wanted to surprise you treat you.
We was both wearing jumpers that looked the same which made me giggle, we was alike and it was nice.
I like being around people who are alike and can relate.
You had no idea but I wanted to get out of the house, things where getting you down and I could tell.
So we went out for dinner and I bought you whatever you fancied.
You was telling me about the foods you liked and enjoyed and said you would show me how to cook them and could make my own versions I wanted to make, for what I was able to eat.
Fridays where strange you finished earlier on a Friday then what you would on a Wednesday and Thursday.
You would remind me this every week.
I tried to cheer you up help you understand that it probably isn’t personal at all and you kept telling me how worried you was that maybe the kids wouldnt want to know you the older they became.
I said that wouldn’t be likely and that kids that age like seeing their friends and not hanging out with their parents.
It meant alot to you and I respected that and you agreed to just try and keep communicating.
You was proud that you was able to maintain a mutural set up with you ex said that you knew that to some people would think that was really weird but I didnt think that.
Not when kids are involved and if it was ended on a basis where you both came to agreements with things then that’s really positive and I think that if people can put their differences aside it makes it easier for everyone.
Life is too short to be arguing all the time and making things difficult for one another.
Why was I any different?
I was the meaningless jigsaw piece.
Maybe it was because we wasn’t talking for a massive amount of time but it felt like I had known you for years. I felt like we just clicked, I couldn’t have imagined anything like this ever happening.
At the very worst I would have thought we would have been friends.
The further I come from this, the more time alone I have, the less it feels like that was even my life.
Its strange it feels now like a wandering dream.
People keep bringing up your name and I really don’t know what to say, there are so many things that I don’t know.
I hold my hands up and I apologise, I ask what it was that I did and you never reply.
People say that, that’s because you don’t want to know and the quicker I notice this the easier and better the outcome will be for me.
Maybe something awful happened maybe something happened that you cant tell me about, maybe the truth is you are back with your ex and that’s why you said that people thought it was weird.
Maybe someone said something about me or maybe someone said that I said something about you.
Maybe your sick, or maybe my reaction to you calling me your ex’s name really did piss you off.
Maybe the poem following that pissed you off, maybe you thought some poems I shared where about you.
I’m not sure. I’m not certain.
As I said before in the other parts we never had a row, we didn’t have an argument and it was all left on a really bizzare note.
It was Tuesday and you came over after work you was a bit grumpy as was I and I felt really off unwell, it wasn’t you I was just tired from the school runs after school and starting university.
Maybe you felt that because I was at University that we had different paths, but really that wasn’t your choice to make.
You made choices that week that I didn’t understand and choices I made you didn’t understand.
It was Wednesday and you offered to help with the school runs it was fine. But then that’s when you called me your ex’s name.
Nothing was said about it in the moment. I was in shock because it was a little bit random and first thing, but I just said I needed to think about it I never said I was angry.
I said I needed some space and maybe see you at the weekend since you work late on Wednesdays and Thursdays.
To you this was overreacting, to me it was having time to think about it.
For both of us.
It was Thursday and I hadn’t really heard from you from the Wednesday morning, you used to ask if you could call me, you would text me every 8am saying hey with a waving emoji and say good morning.
All of this was dissolving.
I needed to do something in town and you work in town and I thought it would have been nice to say hello and surprise you.
You didn’t like this you didn’t let me in and you told me there and then abruptly that you did not like surprises.
I couldn’t look at you.
I felt like there was something you was hiding not telling me and I was getting worried.
I really didn’t think that it was worth being this big a deal and wanted to resolve things.
People may think otherwise but honestly all I ever do is to try and resolve things, it makes it easier and better for everyone.
You was cold.
I had never seen you behave so cold.
Saturday came and it was the first ever Saturday I had had without the kids since moving in and it was a great chance to talk and try and resolve things.
You finshed work at 5pm on a Saturday but for whatever reason you chose to stay on and not speak to me until half 7 almost 8.
You couldn’t look at me you was just looking at the floor and having cig after cig.
Saying words and not finishing the sentences.
I had seen this look before on my children when they knew they had done something wrong but there wasn’t really anything that big.
I didn’t want you to feel bad.
I just was confused.
You looked so pale and unwell it was unsettling.
You was saying words like ‘look’ and ‘and..’ ‘maybe’ and not really saying much at all, whilst the steam from your cup of tea was floating off into the garden.
I asked you if you didn’t want to talk or see me anymore, and you said ‘oh no of course not its not that’ and then started talking about having a sched.
You said that you wasn’t happy with my reaction in the week and I upset you coming too see you before work. I apologised.
Next thing we went to the bar where you had first come to see me after a poetry night that had finished.
It made me think so much that in the beginning you did the exact same thing to me you came to see me with no notice, you contacted me and came round and you was persuing me.
I did not act the way that you was.
It didn’t stop you continuing the night and continuing to have drinks with me and a laugh and tell me how nice I looked and how lucky you thought you was.
It didn’t stop you taking me across the road into another bar and continue to talk to me for another 3 hours.
We was in Pave and we spoke about your parents your family.
We spoke about your experiance at university.
We spoke about christmas and we spoke about what your family may have thought about us talking and you was happy and you said that they would be happy and it would have been nice for me to meet them.
You told me in such great detail about the things that you had been though.
We then spoke about filming and films you had been involved in making and ones that you wanted to do.
I told you about the book that I was writing and you told me about what you was writing and that you seeing me write made you want to grow that passion again.
Your phone died and you kept hinting.
I didnt know what you was on about.
You went off to the toilet and I glared down at my phone and saw the message.
YOU said that you was having such an amazing night.
Sainsbury’s was shut and its never shut so we went to the garage because we wanted more cigs.
I hadn’t really eaten much so I got drunk a little bit easier than normal.
We got back to mine and I put some music on I said that we never got chance to dance at spiders that night and maybe we should try it again sometime.
I may have been drunk but I remember everything.
You didn’t want to talk you was all affectionate.
You took me to F&B we had a meal and it was a rip off, I did try and pre-warn you but it felt like you wanted to treat me or spend time with me maybe.
We was umming and arring about what we should do as we was hanging a little bit from the pub drinking.
It was 3pm and you was grumpy tired and you started to stop looking at me again. I felt unhappy even though it had been so nice talking and everything.
It was 3pm and you started going on about needing to use the laundrette and that you needed to go home and get some sleep so I said sure whatever it takes for you to go and be ok.
My feelings was never considered in your scenarios, you went home and you didn’t message me.
It was Monday and I didn’t hear anything, you didn’t mention the weekend and you didn’t ask if I was ok.
It was Tuesday and I just started saying to friends that I think its done because I hadn’t had converstaion with you.
It was Wednesday and you said that you could come over after work to talk but it would have been late and I had a massive stone inside my stomach that was stopping me from eating thinking and sleeping. I didn’t want to accept that maybe you had used me over the weekend.
It was Thursday and people started asking questions and asking if I was sure and I didnt know what to tell anyone.
It was Friday.
It was Saturday
It was Friday.
Lettersyoullneversee · November 5, 2019 · I was anxious, Lettersyoullneversee, Him, My Only · anxietypoetry, authors, authorscomunity, award, awareness, beauty, believer, bestseller, blog, blogger, bloggers, blogging, book, breaking news, breakup, budget, burning, bye, cheat, City, citylife, comeback, comehome, comment, community, community local, community+friends, Consent, creative, creativewriting, Creator, cry, dad, dark, day, Depressed, depression, derelict, destiny, diary, disire, distance, domesticabuse, domesticabuseawareness, drama, dream, dreams, drinking, earth, emo, emotion, endofworld, english, femalepoet, happypoem, Help, imwriting, lovepoetry, micropoetry, poetryforhim
The thing is, things seem to happen to people and they just keep on happening.
It’s not your fault. It’s not karma sometimes theres just no explanation, it’s one of those things.
It’s harder when people cut your off stop communicating. When things happen that no one could foresee.
I really wish I could write about dragons and flying unicorns.
But it’s not like that.
The world is real and the world doesn’t give a fuck about you. The longer you ignore things the worse things become. No one taught me this I learnt this, I’ve seen it.
I’ve seen peoples relationships become destroyed because of peoples selfish behaviours.
You don’t have to change just be more mindful of people around you. Thats what my counsellor says.
She was so shocked and confused when I told her what happend. As was I. I’m looking forward to seeing her after 5 long weeks.
We sit, we talk, we figure things out. Something we was supposed to be doing.
It’s odd that it was ok for you to be seen clingy, but if I behave that way im crazy. There is no #mushmush on the end of my messages. If I was being romantic, it was just too much to take.
You was anxious too.
You had a choice, fight or flight.
Lettersyoullneversee · November 2, 2019 · youtube · anxietypoetry, art, author, authors, authorscomunity, awareness, ❤️, beauty, believer, benefits, bestseller, blog, blogger, bloggers, blogging, book, breaking news, breakup, budget, burning, bye, community, community local, community+friends, Consent, creative, creativewriting, Creator, crisis, cry, dad, dads, dark, day, deardiary, Depressed, depression, derelict, desire, destiny, diary, disire, distance, emotion, endofworld, explore, facebook, fate, follow, Hull, poet, poetry, write, writerscommunity, writing, youtube
My head hits the pillow…
Lettersyoullneversee · November 1, 2019 · notebook · 18only, 2019, 31days, 31daysofletters, 5star, abandoned, abandonedhouses, adult, always, amazon, anxiety, anxietypoetry, art, author, authors, authorscomunity, award, awareness, bestseller, blog, blogger, bloggers, blogging, book, breaking news, burning, bye, cheat, City, citylife, comeback, comment, community, community local, community+friends, Consent, creative, creativewriting, Creator, crisis, dad, dads, dark, day, deardiary, Depressed, derelict, desire, destiny, disire, distance, domesticabuse, domesticabuseawareness, download, drama, dreams, drinking, emo, emotion, endofworld, english, enjoy, erotic, eternity, evening, explore, facebook, fate, fear, femalephotographer, femalepoet, feminism, feminist, fighter, fineart, fire, follow, follower, followme, forever, forgotton, freedom, freestyle, friends, girls, gone, graffiti, happypoem, health, hearbreak, heart, heartbreak, heartbroken, Help, Him, hold, holiday, Hornsea, horrible, Hull, humour, Hurt, I love you, iloveyou, important, imwriting, indie, inlove, Instagram, journal, karma, Kingston-upon-Hull, Kingstonuponhull, kiss, law, letters, Lettersyoullneversee, like, lips, live, lordline, love, lovepoem, Loveyou, mentalhealthmatters, miss you, missyou, moon, need, News, nofilter, openmic, opinion, parent, passion, performance, photographer
I put bird feed out for the birds, but we all know it attracts the rats.
Stand in the garden and all I can hear is loud sirens from the ambulances and police cars.
Living in the city is loud.
I could really do with a hug.
Tiger has been growing her winter coat and I know you didn’t like cats, but she rubbed off on you. Literally, she would push her furry skin up against you and you took her on for the short time you was about.
You would bring her a box of cat food and use the kids bowls to feed her. I was really anxious about that because I didn’t want to get bowls mixed up again and feed the kids cat flavoured coco pops. #nevermind
I loved it when you looked at me with pure innocence but we both knew there was no innocence left inside those eyes.
You was telling me things you hadn’t been telling yourself and things you hadn’t been telling others.
Distance wasn’t about to make the heart grow fonder it was about to break them apart in to tiny teeny pieces.
You haunt me with you words like “mush, mush” and your causal shrug of “sure”. I didn’t want to admit it but I looked up on things you liked because I wanted to get to know you more and understand deep inside your world.
People say I want to have that role of being someone’s saviour but I actually enjoyed the concept of having people around me willing to try and help and save me.
Little things like folding the clothes doing the pots and being interested, invested.
I liked it when you was about to tell me something really kind but then filled in the gaps with “mush, mush”.
You was in your element at least, I thought you was and you wanted to be in my crazy world as much as I wanted to be in yours.
But things changed and I don’t cope well with sudden changes. That’s what you said to me and I felt the same, always felt the same.
It was hard adjusting to having a huge 3 bed house with a drive to being in a little tiny box house with barely any room to swing the cat. Then being back in a fairly huge house again with a garden. If your confused then please go back to other parts of I was anxious.
The space was made up with good company from my neighbour who I also knew from going to school with. I really miss hanging out with her and catching up.
This year has been a significant year for many.
I had mice coming in the front part of the house and it was really handy having a cat about to catch them.
Maybe things I shouldn’t be worrying about. In the end I found it fairly amusing pleasing, thinking wow I’m pretty lucky I have such a loyal cat that’s prepared to fight off these mice.
I’m pretty lucky that I have such a fun loving friend who was there for me whlist I was really struggling with living in that house. I even thought to myself at one point I was prepared to stay there and save for the sake of having a friend next door.
People are kind and sometimes they’re kind in unfamiliar ways.
It’s people like her and you and even you and people like him and my best friend and best friend from college and close friend from Instagram. The children then cat my family, the generous people at my university, hell even moody cow in herons made me happy. High days felt amazing and I needed no cigarettes, no alcohol or money.
That made me want to continue my life.
Lettersyoullneversee · October 29, 2019 · Lettersyoullneversee, Him, My Only · anxietypoetry, authorscomunity, award, awareness, ❤️, believer, bloggers, blogging, book, breakup, burning, bye, comeback, comment, community, community local, community+friends, Consent, creative, creativewriting, depression, dream, dreams, earth, emo, emotion, endofworld, enjoy, eternity, evening, facebook, fate, feature, feelings, femalepoet, feminism, fineart, happypoem, imwriting, love, lovepoem, micropoetry, poetrycommunity, publishedwriter, Songwriter, time, torn, truelove, twitter, uk, urbex, videos, vss365, vsspoem, wanderlust, war, warrior, women, word, writerscommunity, writing, Yorkshire poet, you, youmatter, youtube, zombies
I’ve written almost 4 thousand words in 24 hours about utter fucking nonsense.
The thing is when you attach your heart to something you invest. You go the extra mile, you brush your teeth, you dye your hair to get rid of horrible red bits shining through, you bite your nails off, you hack and cut away at your pubes and make sure your legs are as smooth as seals eyelids.
Make sure that your armpits are clear from hair and eyebrows are plucked and picked in just the right shape.
You make effort, you feel awake, you have purpose.
Problem is I should have felt like this anyway, and what’s the use now when I’m smiling at myself in the mirror and so used to feeling you around me or come up to me. There is just so much that gives me the constant shivers.
The thing is the burger cheese really wasn’t the problem at all. Or the jokes about me being younger, and while I’m at it even the beard wasn’t a problem. Or the fact you told me you loved me but left me with doubt, eating me from the inside perforating through my organs, constant agony, leading my brain to overdrive.
Look, I don’t mind beards I just can’t kiss much of a beard, it feels prickly inside my nostrils and I can’t really snog a beard or maybe, I’m just not woman enough to deal with beards being close to my face. Its personal ok I have an opinion about beards. I’m not ashamed to admit it. Don’t send the beard police on to me.
I doubted them words because the thing is if you truly love someone you don’t leave them hanging, you dont ignore them, you don’t let other things overshadow them.
Maybe you feel bad for telling me and not meaning it.
I’m dealing with it now. But it does hurt I won’t lie. Little tiny words but they are very powerful and meaningful.
I love you is a commitment, you never just say it for the sake of saying it?
We was in the nightclub and it was you birthday, I bought you a card the day before saying, ‘with love’ and I kick myself now.
I should have just put I love you but I didn’t want it to make it hard for you to make the choice to leave, if that was what you was planning on doing so in the future.
That’s right I think of everything, I am such an anxious freak. I wish I did buy you a romantic card at least because that’s what you was hoping. However if I did do all these other things differently then it doesn’t mean you would still be here, because that’s not how it works.
The world wanted me to have a different card, the world wanted this.
We’d just shared our phone numbers and you text me after you had been for a drive, about seeing a really beautiful rainbow, and then you apologised because you thought that wasn’t a very masculine thing to say. The thing is it didn’t put me off you, it made me fall for you even more. There is no such thing as being more or less of a man especially in this secnario, you was pointing out the beautiful things in the world, only a very awake person does this.
The thing is you was facing real issues I wanted to enlighten you, I got a card that said age didn’t matter, I know you was all depressed about your age for 2 reasons. I know because I listened to you, but I’m not going to share because again I have respect for you and it’s not my place, even though I have not mentioned your name, in case people guess I don’t want to share.
In spiders nightclub, I think I passed the friends test, whilst you left for a piss for the 3rd time I was stood talking to them.
They had questions, they knew and know nothing about me, even now. Which is a shame because I really liked them. They was kind to me.
The first friend, she was nice, said I looked pretty and you was lucky, she said she was telling her husband not to look at me. I said I would almost certainly think about putting a ring on you, in nice way not a creepy way. That got me an ‘aww…’ She said you was kind and seemed to really like me, and you would be kind and look after me.
The other friends was nice to me caring talkative and the one who made references to me being a child I got my revenge and gave him a lollipop, I was given on the way in.
There was another friend but that was more towards the end of the night. So everyone just got drunk, drank more did the norm. I am still sorry that I think I ruined the night for you.
So what happend?
Well everything was going amazingly and we got a photo and you did a speech on how lucky you felt, you was saying to all your friends and why you was happy and then you looked at me and you said “I am so happy that I am with my girlfriend too…” and you looked at me for a response because it wasn’t really official, and hell yeah I mean this was exciting I wanted this, this is all I wanted for a long time to be treated like I was a girlfriend, to be someone’s other half, to be their one and only and to be by their side to battle any battles that where about to be thrown our way.
So what was the problem then?
Well you was drunk, and I was heading the same direction, you was touchy feely and yeah that was fine. I was on my period so that wasn’t really very fun or birthday inviting. I wasn’t even mad at this, I was falling even more, but the thing was, there was no accomodation for me. Surely, if I was your girlfriend then I would be staying with you going back to yours and surely if I was your girlfriend then we better start thinking more of a plan to see each other a little more often.
I never wanted to get as drunk as I did that night that was not my intention, I hate myself for getting that drunk. Because when your with me and my normal anxious self, normal anxious self plus 8 or 9 alcoholic drinks i’m talking vodkas, shots, whisky, malibu, the added worry of what the fuck was going on you just called me your ‘girlfriend’ in front of the whole entire world, I was freaking out where would I stay, I didn’t know where I was going to sleep.
These moments my new happiest moments of my life and I was destroying them because I couldn’t help but get upset.
Issue is I am not good enough, for you, for anyone and your realised this and maybe that’s a reason that your not here anymore.
I went straight into the bathroom and just cried.
That’s right I wanted to contain myself, it was a secret that I was so upset I didn’t want you to see me this upset it was your fucking birthday and everyone else around me is watching me, I dont go to night clubs im a single mum of kids. I don’t have adult experiance of how to interact, I haven’t been called someone’s girlfriend, that doesn’t happen. Months I had been so depressed I didn’t know how much longer I could go on and now I had finally found someone who was like me in so many ways, you even like marmite, now that’s a fucking rarity.
I could not hide, you saw me sad and you knew I was sad and you and your friends passed me water, this was not just the alcohol this was me.
I was so depressed, I was mentally destroying myself telling myself over and over. Just leave he won’t put up with you, your not good enough, end it all whilst your happy. You’ve thought of these plans you’ve been thinking it for months whilst you was in that shitty tiny house with no internet, you have been thinking it. Don’t let this moment of happiness stop you from ending it all.
This is what I was telling myself, but back home my girl friends where keeping me going, they gave me the reasurance I needed, they was there for me at my lowest.
At least if I lose this guy I will always have my girl friends. I don’t need a man to be happy or feel happiness, that is the golden rule.
But you was different.
Lettersyoullneversee · October 29, 2019 · Lettersyoullneversee, Him, My Only · 18only, abandoned, abandonedhouses, adultcontent, anxiety, anxietypoetry, author, authors, authorscomunity, award, awareness, ❤️, beauty, believer, blog, blogger, bloggers, blogging, book, breakup, bye, cheat, citylife, comeback, comment, community local, Consent, creative, creativewriting, Creator, crisis, cry, dark, day, deardiary, Depressed, depression, diary, distance, domesticabuse, domesticabuseawareness, drama, earth, emo, emotion, endofworld, enjoy, erotic, eternity, evening, explore, fate, fear, feature, feelings, femalephotographer, femalepoet, feminism, feminist, fighter, fineart, fire, follow, follower, followme, forever, forgotton, freedom, freestyle, friends, girls, gone, goodbye, goth, graffiti, happypoem, imwriting, journal, journalism, karma, kind, Kingston-upon-Hull, Kingstonuponhull, lost, love, lovepoem, missyou, modern, mood, moon, newbook, publishedwriter, script, Selfpublish, selfworth, sense, sex, sharing, shortstory, silence, Singlemum, truelove, twitter, woman, women, wordpresscommunity, write, writerscommunity, writing, youmatter, youtube
I’ve been looking at this fucking essay for 11 days. Only you would know how to tackle it.
Old policing, new policing whats the difference why did the uk introduce new style policing, what about the watchmen, the people who was going out their way to keep order, non paid non uniformed. New police style more functional, paid, introduced to tackle new class wars.
I know where your heart was and where it could of been. I was observing your emotions and listening to every word, stories you told me your desires interests. I wanted to be there to support you, give you back that part if your brain you used up on topics you enjoyed, your intelligent enough to do so. But you put yourself down, so down, that’s not healthy you know. It makes me think now that all the things we spoke about meant nothing.
Theres way to many old grounds I cant keep going over everytime I meet someone, so for now all I tell people is my name is Lilyth, anything after that they can figure out for themselves.
After all the tragedy you need to make sure you care for yourself. I dont know why you wouldnt want to go out there and enjoy it, do what you love you deserve to be bloody happy. Even if you enjoy punishing yourself and living like a tramp.
I’m not normally as OCD but I’ve decided to start developing rules I keep by and maybe it is just a phase for now but it makes me smile.
1. Make some bloody effort
( make up, clean your hair, force yourself to get in the fucking shower your not a year 5 pupil anymore and the water supply isn’t cut off from hot water so bloody sort yourself out.)
(Even if it kills you)
3. Act like you are dumber than you think
(By this I mean dont jump ahead stop putting your arm up in lectures your only making yourself harder to approach. Noone likes a teachers pet ever. Even if it’s easier to relate to older people especially lecturers. Even if you are older now, classed as a mature student and watched your fellow friends leave and graduate twice )
That’s right I’ve seen two graduate years leave, walk out. Go off enjoy thier lovely lives as a new graduate, soaking up the debt and driving in cars thier daddy’s bought them.
Lettersyoullneversee · October 28, 2019 · Lettersyoullneversee, Him, My Only · 18only, 2019, 31daysofletters, abandoned, adultcontent, anxiety, anxietypoetry, art, author, authorscomunity, bestseller, blog, blogger, bloggers, blogging, book, breaking news, breakup, burning, bye, cheat, City, citylife, comeback, comment, community, community local, Consent, creative, creativewriting, Creator, crisis, cry, earth, emo, emotion, endofworld, english, enjoy, erotic, eternity, evening, explore, facebook, fate, fear, feature, heartbreak, heartbroken, Help, her, Him, hold, holiday, hope, Hornsea, horrible, iloveyou, important, imwriting, indie, inlove, Instagram, journalism, kind, Kingston-upon-Hull, kiss, law, Lettersyoullneversee, Life, lovepoem, lovepoetry, lovestory, Loveyou, medicine, mentalhealthmatters, micropoetry, mind, missyou, newbook, nofilter, openmic, performance, poe, poem, poetryanxiety, poetrycommunity, poetrycomunity, poetryforhim, postnatal, pregnancy, Songwriter, speechless, summer, sun, tears, tease, teenagepoems, thankyou, writerscommunity, writing, yorkshirepoet, youmatter, youtube
I was really anxious, scared. I hadn’t made effort like this in years . I hadn’t ever been on a date ever, not a one to one, face to face, you sit in front of me and I sit in front of you.
It was very personal, and it was hard to make eye contact. I’d never been to this side of town never been able to afford it, it was as if the world wanted us there that evening. It was quiet, calm beautiful summers night, and if that wasn’t a recipe to fall in love, then I was under the wrong illusion.
Birds flocked off into the evening sunset. Even the church bells rang, perhaps it seemed I was more focused on the surround and not you but that really wasn’t the case. I knew this was me being put on the spot and I knew this moment that I was enjoying so much was about to end as the night went on.
I’d been having writers block, but now I’d fallen back in love with the world, thanks to you.
I watched your hands for the first part tapping on the table pushing the box of cigarettes,not completely to me, but enough to suggest an offer. I felt your eyes on my face but was to shy to look up.
You knew I wasn’t a heavy smoker, or really a smoker but I liked a cig.
We spoke about abandonment the time you went on holiday and was let down by a friend , laughed at how long ago it was because of our ages.
You wanted to move on, I liked the sound of the bells, although I kept telling you it was strange and annoying, I was actually fairly comfortable.
We moved on to another pub nestled in between buildings , private, small , cute , quiet and beautiful. I appreciate architecture and outdoor space, we sat down outside and it was nice. Even if others described it as a dive or something, it didn’t bother me.
You stopped me and you said before passing me my drink, I really need to tell you something. My heart started spinning and I thought I got rid of my anxiety but it slowly started to come back, I thought shit he’s going to say he loves me or something, nah not yet surely, and I’m not thinking that already? Am I?
“You really need to tell me something?”
“I wanted to say it now incase I get drunk and you think I’m just saying it because I’m drunk. You look really beautiful your gorgeous”
Oh my god, I smacked my lips right on your lips and kissed you so hard so you knew how much I liked you.
That’s what I should have done, but I didnt I blushed and said thank you very much and I really appreciate being taken out and spending time with you.
I fucked up didn’t I, I was so anxious for a long time I didn’t even get chance to tell you half the things that was going on.
See I may have never been on a date before, but I’d been round plenty of men, boys , dickheads, users, bastards to know when people pull a stunt. You wasn’t pulling a stunt you was being normal, friendly, a gentleman.
This time I wanted something real, meaningful and you was just, I mean I know no ones perfect but a least those moments made it feel as though it was meant to be.
So we was in the pub and we got talking but not much to each other to the girls sat opposite to us, they was tourists, drunk friendly people.
Drank up, pissed about in the street looking for the worlds smallest window and got a taxi back.
I remember punching myself because I still hadn’t kissed you but congratulating myself on having the courage to make it out the front door.
Now both actions I replay in my head 3 months on, did I? Should I? To most of you it’s easy to say get over it , stop going on, stop bringing it up, stop moaning. If you have a friend who suffers or has suffered with anxiety to the extent that I can it really doesn’t help even if you don’t mean to.
I can’t, it happend and I will discuss it because it happend and it happend to me and it was important.
I felt emotions I hadn’t felt since forever, and I mean the good ones.
I was seeing blue in the sky even when there was impetuous rain, I opening mail and dealing with it. I was wearing makeup and enjoying wearing makeup, I was scared, terrified. But on top of the world.
I’m still scared and terrified but at least then it was a nice scared and terrified feeling, now it’s the real deal.
Because the world dealt me a different card really quickly, and the last time I felt this low, I was 21 years old signing my grandad DNR papers with noone else in the room, no one else to lean on and no one else to ask for an opinion.
I was 17 sat in a hostel on a sofa bed on the floor being told to write a letter on the back of recycled paper, to the man who had been abusing me for 2 years telling him why I left.
I was in the playground stood on my own, surrounded by faces I knew (but ignored me) being told on my mobile that my step mum was diagnosed with cancer again, year later she passed away.
I was on the front door step of my home at 16 trying to get back in but the doors had been changed.
I was the 10 year old girl sat on the bedroom floor crying in the corner holding on to a teddy I called ‘dig dog’.
I’m an observer, a listener, I’m quiet, never let on what I’m thinking. Not always. Told to shut up and put up and to not talk about my feelings. But now I am, and that’s pretty fucking powerful.
You said goodbye it was an amazing evening and couldn’t wait to see you next.
Lettersyoullneversee · October 23, 2019 · Him, My Only · 2019, abandoned, always, anxiety, anxietypoetry, author, authors, award, awareness, ❤️, beauty, believer, benefits, bestseller, blog, blogger, bloggers, blogging, book, breaking news, breakup, budget, burning, bye, cheat, City, citylife, comeback, comment, community, community local, Consent, creative, creativewriting, Creator, crisis, cry, dad, dark, day, deardiary, depression, derelict, desire, destiny, diary, disire, distance, domesticabuse, domesticabuseawareness, download, drama, dream, dreams, drinking, earth, emo, emotion, endofworld, english, enjoy, erotic, eternity, evening, facebook, fate, fear, feature, feelings, femalephotographer, femalepoet, feminism, feminist, fire, follow, followme, forever, freedom, girls, goodbye, goth, graffiti, hearbreak, heartbreak, heartbroken, imwriting, writerscommunity
I can’t remember,
Why am here,
I’m so lost.
I can’t remember your face,
Can’t remember the sense of your body,
I’ve been walking around this room, for so long,
Figuring out what’s been going on,
I turn on the light and your still gone.
Darkness, gives me some comfort.
I can’t remember your smell,
I thought I knew you so well.
Still doing the patterns,
Behaviours, you taught me.
Cleaning up, because you said,
It would give space, in my head.
Hoping it would impress.
Bring some of you back.
I matched the sofa, to the curtains, in the end,
I cleared the clothes,
Put up a new shower curtain…
Managed the dirty cupboard under the sink.
But then, I fall into a whirlwind Of disturbed thinking.
Crying, myself into the blue.
Tomorrow’s keep on coming,
days grow bigger gaps, to being close to you.
I can’t remember why, I’m here.
I’m so lost,
I can’t understand, why I hold out my hand, and your not there.
I used to think I was walking around inside a nightmare,
I know nightmares end,
And this isn’t ending,
I can’t remember your face,
Skin so soft,
Was you ever there?
Can’t remember the taste,
A laugh so contagious… I can’t remember why?
I can’t remember your name,
I said it all along,
I thought I knew you so well…
We didn’t fight,
But I thought it might help now,
If I say your right…
Just so I don’t have to feel these four walls surrounding…
Your the one who kept me standing,