It wasn’t supposed to be like this,
Your body gone along the cliff,
Your shadow dance along the wall,
Can’t take it down,
I hope you know,
I spent so much time chasing you,
I spent so much time to make things new,
I’m burnt, I’m broken, along the bones,
of the ground, amongst the stones,
breath is heavy, asthma’s here,
panic attack breathing,
in the atmosphere,
To you I hand my hands in chains,
Ready, steady, my pulse, my veins,
Just take me back and I will fly,
Or leave me here to surely…die.
You stand at the end of the bed,
you tut, you shrug, you climb ahead,
We lay intoxicated towards the ceiling,
Don’t ask once just how I’m feeling,
I tell you, I tell you, I tell you dear,
but not one hand wipes away my tear,
You restrain from showing me any empathy,
My wing it breaks even more for all to see, As I sleep you slip a note,
under the pillow, as you go,
I hold its crinkled body close,
I wake up the truth, I still don’t know…
It’s shocking it’s crippling it’s happening dear,
Not another hand of empathy waves a tear,
My wing in tatters,
No nothing could have prevented this from happening.
But if you collect the pieces,
please stick them back onto my wing,
So I can leave this deadly sin,
So I can fly away from here,
So I don’t have to cry, another tear,
So I don’t have to keep on waiting up,
Quickly, before I turn to self destruct. ****
It wasn’t supposed to be like this,
Where I’ve been.
Not many people even know.
Not even friends I talk to.
If they are even friends at all.
Where I have been.
I’ve been on the dock near Humber street,
Staring at the floating feet,
That used to belong to me and him,
Footsie under the table by the bin,
I stare in the water it holds me in,
My gaze it stares it grabs me quick,
His property not far from here,
Another person washed his hands of me, I’m not very good at acting as an enemy.
Where I’ve been I’d like to know,
Sometimes I just walk anywhere you know,
The industrial estate sometimes,
Perhaps the park, I’m warned I’m told that it’s scary dark.
But the most place that I’ve been,
Where I’ve stared and felt and seen,
Is near the corner of the Humber street,
Looking in the water.
We walked up there, you showed me all of your new adventure, we walked around the corner, we walked up there, you washed your hands of me, you rid me, you lied, you used, you cheated me , you scar me , you scabbed me, you left me, beat my body, my body bruised, bloodied, dying you used,
you used me by lying.
Not even I know where I’ve been,
all I say is I’ve been near that stream,
near the river in Hull near the docks,
in hope the cold airy frost will clear the knots,
I don’t even control where I am, my mind it leads and drags my hand,
my brain the navigator, to the sea and water…….
You was different.
You held me really tight you let me cry and didnt judge me you waited until my storm had passed, we went to a corner of the nightclub that wasn’t as busy you had your arms around me and you sat me down next to you and held me.
Since you left, I’ve been in that storm for so long rocking along up and down in a boat.
You might think that saying this doesn’t change anything.
Your right, but this is all part of the story and this is all important because you showed me that a man is capable of being understanding.
That maybe I am capable of being loved and cared for.
Monday 11th November 2019
You called me your ex’s name:
There was something wrong.
I tried a few times to bring it up.
I thought you’d be the one to help me.
How stupid, I am so stupid. I shouldn’t have ever let you in.
Perhaps there was no talking because when you called me your ex’s name I got straight into the shower and cried.
I am not ashamed to share, I am not ashamed to show two halves of the story.
Perhaps I was overreacting.
Except, I needed more sympathy the night before. With feeling unwell.
You didn’t know this because I never told you.
I helped you out when you was unwell, I understood it maybe it was because it was physical symptoms, cold flu, man flu, people can see it, understand it more.
The night before
I didn’t feel like eating and you was really hungry, you felt like you put your time in there was nothing you was doing right at all.
Perhaps, it felt you was stuck in a limbo situation, and I wasn’t reacting the way you thought I should be reacting.
You could have just called a pizza and made me laugh cheered me up. I guess I felt unwell and all I could think was soup. Sleep.
You didn’t factor in the sleepless nights overwhelming crying from children that made me even more anxious.
I know, I hate soup so boring right?
There was that time we was walking towards wings and I had the perfect opportunity to tell you then but it was supposed to be a fun night for you and I didn’t want to ruin another night.
I didn’t want to take off or anything or vanish. It killed me that I walked away.
I was running out of time and I knew it.
You was supposed to stay out late and be with them, you showed up earlier than planned.
I could have told you then.
Maybe I was planting seeds but I never wanted them to grow.
The spiders evening I could have told you then but I just cried and cried.
The time we stood in the hall way, the time I walked over to the house, the time I went into your work, the time I broke down at my friends house and you walked me back.
Now it’s too late.
It was a summers evening this year, my best friend knew how down I had been and she had been amazing support, incredible.
It felt like ‘a need’ to fall in love and be around people who are kind, positive, full of enlightenment and desire. We was sick of men pulling the wool over our eyes, treating us like daft cows.
We are strong women we’ve been through different things but could relate.
I suggested maybe a double date or something if anyone knew anyone who was single. Just wanted to have fun and relax. I had been through a really awful time. I wasn’t looking for sex or hook ups, I really just wanted to meet people and be around friends.
Luckily, my friends knew someone and they knew them well and said I shouldn’t worry because you was really kind and nice person and would never hurt anyone.
There was a day planned and organised for drinks at your place. I was anxious because I was moving home and I didn’t want to get drunk and hungover. I had no baby sitters able to help out and the ones who could, could only help for a couple of hours.
Not really a long time when you want to get to know people.
You opened the door and greeted us in, I didnt make too much effort with dressing up or anything, I couldn’t as all my clothes where in boxes and being moved.
I regretted not putting my heels on because you was pretty tall and I’m like a midget next to almost every adult and even 8 year old children are catching up with my height.
People laugh about this but it kind of gets a bit boring after years and years.
It was small, and I wont lie it looked lonely. Perhaps adjustments have been made since you cut me off, I guess I won’t really know and I guess I won’t really care.
You poured us all a drink in a mug, as you didnt have glasses. I remember you saying you dont get people round much and needed glasses, you was apologising but we really didn’t mind.
This was exciting and exciting for you.
Everyone deserves to have friends and people around them that care about them and visits them.
I told you alot about myself we spoke a lot about politics, little things and fairly serious stuff. It was nice, you listened to me you wasn’t shouting at me, calling me names, threatening me or abusing me.
The night was short and you guys went off to spider’s. We walked towards the nightclub you gave me your hoodie, and slipped a tenner into my hand for a taxi home.
You wanted to make sure I got back safe. Mentally I felt safer being out and with you guys. Going back was just a duty a responsibility, my heart wanted to stay. Stress.
My friend said that you didn’t stay out long because you told them you had already met someone that night and was no need to go into the night club looking for someone.
You then told me for months that you was so happy that I turned up that evening, after I told you I was close to not turning up because I was anxious.
You also kept saying you owed your friend drinks for life, because he introduced me to you and you hadn’t felt as happy as you did in a very long time.
You occasionally reminded me of that night and that you was is disbelief.
Perhaps I should have noticed sooner, remember me mentioning the too good to be true saying?
Now, all I have a deafening silencing ringin in my ears, and a stone in the pit of my stomach grinding up against my skin.
I feel like I’ve been in a car that was speeding but all the time it was going slow, and then suddenly smacks straight into a tree.
I’m sore, hurt, but on the inside.
On the outside, I look amazing.
My heads scatty, my brain hurts. Some days I struggle waking up today was one of those days.
My wellbeing advisor tells me to go away and organise myself, but things keep getting in the way.
I am so thankful for the true friends, I have around me and I am thankful for being a mum. I am blessed, I am fortunate, I have a roof over my head and sometimes that is always scary. I don’t know how long it will be like that.
This time last year I was evicted, randomly, no notice nothing, came out of nowhere and I have told so many of you this story, it affected me and my family a huge deal.
We wasn’t bad tenants, we didn’t do anything honest to god. Most people assume you can only be evicted if you’ve shit up the walls or not paid the rent.
It was my daughters 8th birthday and I had been out of hospital for 4 weeks. I had an 8 week old baby and the tosser turned up out of nowhere, by contract he had to. He stormed in went under the stairs and said that he needs to make sure a live wire in the garden is turned off. Oh boy, I was mad, I didn’t even shout, I said you need to get an electrician and I want it off, I can’t believe it.
We had been in the house precisely 6 months, the children had been in the garden with this said wire. We had a lot of trouble problems and as a family we deserved time to heal and overcome the trumas we had just gone through. Funnily enough our tenancy was rolling the next day. The landlord left and said nothing, then returned again without notice an hour later.
TRUST ME you could not make this story up and even to this day I wish I went to his work and threw eggs at his window, but a petty revenge conviction is not worth it. I am ok to think it an enjoy the thought though, right?
So he returned and got the live wire disconnected, he had made a huge error. He put us at risk he violated the contract, we would have had grounds to sue, but I opened my big gob and told him to sort it. However I would rather that then let the kids continue to play in the garden, except we wasn’t going to have a garden for much longer.
The next day he posted and eviction notice with a receipt stapled from 2012 of some paint.
Basically threatening us to paint the whole house which was cream or he would take money from our deposit.
So not only was he making us homeless, he was forcing us to paint when it didn’t even need painting to be honest.
Baby, surgery, birthday, evicted.
Bulb hangs from ceiling, cars swish in the puddles passing by the house. Bulb thin shadow then wide, dull light sits on the bed from whatever sun we have left now, bottom sheet due a change, there’s no one other than me that lays so it’s ok.
I watched this video on Facebook about meditation by Russell Brand. I remember laughing at it with you next to me and saying he should have stuck to his job as a comedian.
Bulb, off. Bulb swirly pattern at the end no shade around it, it’s bare cord just seems to have the bulb fitted in tightly at the end.
Bulb, wait I can’t see it, your body is on top of me.
Move out of the way so I can see. Eyes mimic nose points, body parts we take for granted we have to look at these parts of people everyday.
Move out of the way I’m trying to look at the bulb.
Bulb white, dusty cobwebs, flashbacks like holograms. Your body is on top of me. What do you want now for goodness sake I am trying to focus.
Bulb holes in the bottom then scope up inside it. I’m paranoid I know I hear what your saying but what if that’s just a voice in my head, what if your just in my imagination.
Your body thrust me up and down I stare at the bulb it’s waiting it wants to be turned on.
I curl into a ball, small, safe, warm away from November rain.
Child you don’t need to be worried, because you was right.
All them days crying about losing people and being told it’s going to be ok. Told over and over that I never have to do anything that I don’t want to do, I can say ‘no’ if I want to.
Your body, real,
Your shadow seen,
Dark around the sketching.
Your body, real,
Your body real,
Legs, move, walk,
Feet, drop, stomp,
I lift your arms,
They don’t flop, because you look at me strangely and tense them.
Your body real,
Bones a solid,
Bumps, bridges, arches,
Your body real,
Brown a pen lid,
Nose a putty thumb,
Lips a pretty kiss.
Your body real,
Your body real,
Your body real,
Sounds, a bird song.