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I was anxious-part 19-It was Friday

It was Friday and you had been let down again from seeing the girls.

We managed to get over most of the hurdles we faced during the middle.

We spoke a bit more and we was on a good page with one another.

I wanted to surprise you treat you.

We was both wearing jumpers that looked the same which made me giggle, we was alike and it was nice.

I like being around people who are alike and can relate.

You had no idea but I wanted to get out of the house, things where getting you down and I could tell.

So we went out for dinner and I bought you whatever you fancied.

You was telling me about the foods you liked and enjoyed and said you would show me how to cook them and could make my own versions I wanted to make, for what I was able to eat.

Fridays where strange you finished earlier on a Friday then what you would on a Wednesday and Thursday.

You would remind me this every week.

I tried to cheer you up help you understand that it probably isn’t personal at all and you kept telling me how worried you was that maybe the kids wouldnt want to know you the older they became.

I said that wouldn’t be likely and that kids that age like seeing their friends and not hanging out with their parents.

It meant alot to you and I respected that and you agreed to just try and keep communicating.

You was proud that you was able to maintain a mutural set up with you ex said that you knew that to some people would think that was really weird but I didnt think that.

Not when kids are involved and if it was ended on a basis where you both came to agreements with things then that’s really positive and I think that if people can put their differences aside it makes it easier for everyone.

Life is too short to be arguing all the time and making things difficult for one another.

Why was I any different?

I was the meaningless jigsaw piece.

Maybe it was because we wasn’t talking for a massive amount of time but it felt like I had known you for years. I felt like we just clicked, I couldn’t have imagined anything like this ever happening.

At the very worst I would have thought we would have been friends.

The further I come from this, the more time alone I have, the less it feels like that was even my life.

Its strange it feels now like a wandering dream.

Unreal.

People keep bringing up your name and I really don’t know what to say, there are so many things that I don’t know.

I hold my hands up and I apologise, I ask what it was that I did and you never reply. 

People say that, that’s because you don’t want to know and the quicker I notice this the easier and better the outcome will be for me.

Maybe something awful happened maybe something happened that you cant tell me about, maybe the truth is you are back with your ex and that’s why you said that people thought it was weird.

Maybe someone said something about me or maybe someone said that I said something about you.

Maybe your sick, or maybe my reaction to you calling me your ex’s name really did piss you off.

Maybe the poem following that pissed you off, maybe you thought some poems I shared where about you.

I’m not sure. I’m not certain.

As I said before in the other parts we never had a row, we didn’t have an argument and it was all left on a really bizzare note.

It was Tuesday and you came over after work you was a bit grumpy as was I and I felt really off unwell, it wasn’t you I was just tired from the school runs after school and starting university.

Maybe you felt that because I was at University that we had different paths, but really that wasn’t your choice to make.

You made choices that week that I didn’t understand and choices I made you didn’t understand.

It was Wednesday and you offered to help with the school runs it was fine. But then that’s when you called me your ex’s name.

Nothing was said about it in the moment. I was in shock because it was a little bit random and first thing, but I just said I needed to think about it I never said I was angry.

I said I needed some space and maybe see you at the weekend since you work late on Wednesdays and Thursdays.

To you this was overreacting, to me it was having time to think about it.

For both of us.

It was Thursday and I hadn’t really heard from you from the Wednesday morning, you used to ask if you could call me, you would text me every 8am saying hey with a waving emoji and say good morning.

All of this was dissolving. 

I needed to do something in town and you work in  town and I thought it would have been nice to say hello and surprise you.

You didn’t like this you didn’t let me in and you  told me there and then abruptly that you did not like surprises.

I couldn’t look at you.

I felt like there was something you was hiding not telling me and I was getting worried.

I really didn’t think that it was worth being this big a deal and wanted to resolve things.

People may think otherwise but honestly all I ever do is to try and resolve things, it makes it easier and better for everyone.

You was cold.

I had never seen you behave so cold.

Ever.

Saturday came and it was the first ever Saturday I had had without the kids since moving in and it was a great chance to talk and try and resolve things.

You finshed work at 5pm on a Saturday but for whatever reason you chose to stay on and not speak to me until half 7 almost 8.

You couldn’t look at me you was just looking at the floor and having cig after cig.

Saying words and not finishing the sentences.

I had seen this look before on my children when they knew they had done something wrong but there wasn’t really anything that big.

I didn’t want you to feel bad.

I just was confused.

You looked so pale and unwell it was unsettling.

You was saying words like ‘look’ and ‘and..’ ‘maybe’ and not really saying much at all, whilst the steam from your cup of tea was floating off into the garden.

I asked you if you didn’t want to talk or see me anymore, and you said ‘oh no of course not its not that’ and then started talking about having a sched.

You said that you wasn’t happy with my reaction in the week and I upset you  coming too see you before work. I apologised.

Next thing we went to the bar where you had first come to see me after a poetry night that had finished.

It made me think so much that in the beginning  you did the exact same thing to me you came to see me with no notice, you contacted me and came round and you was persuing me.

I did not act the way that you was.

It didn’t stop you continuing the night and continuing to have drinks with me and a laugh and tell me how nice I looked and how lucky you thought you was.

It didn’t stop you taking me across the road into another bar and continue to talk to me for another 3 hours.

We was in Pave and we spoke about your parents your family.

We spoke about your experiance at university.

We spoke about christmas and we spoke about what your family may have thought about us talking and you was happy and you said that they would be happy and it would have been nice for me to meet them.

You told me in such great detail about the things that you had been though.

We then spoke about filming and films you had been involved in making and ones that you wanted to do.

I told you about the book that I was writing and you told me about what you was writing and that you seeing me write made you want to grow that passion again. 

Your phone died and you kept hinting.

I didnt know what you was on about.

You went off to the toilet and I glared down at my phone and saw the message.

YOU said that you was having such an amazing night.

Last orders.

Sainsbury’s was shut  and its never shut so we went to the garage because we wanted more cigs.

I hadn’t really eaten much so I got drunk a little bit easier than normal.

…..

We got back to mine and I put some music on I said that we never got chance to dance at spiders that night and maybe we should try it again sometime.

I may have been drunk but I remember everything.

You didn’t want to talk you was all affectionate.

Sunday.

You took me to F&B we had a meal and it was a rip off, I did try and pre-warn you but it felt like you wanted to treat me or spend time with me maybe.

We was umming and arring about what we should do as we was hanging a little bit from the pub drinking.

It was 3pm and you was grumpy tired and you started to stop looking at me again. I felt unhappy even though it had been so nice talking and everything.

It was 3pm and you started going on about needing to use the laundrette and that you needed to go home and get some sleep so I said sure whatever it takes for you to go and be ok.

My feelings was never considered in your scenarios, you went home and you didn’t message me.

It was Monday and I didn’t hear anything, you didn’t mention the weekend and you didn’t ask if I was ok.

It was Tuesday and I just started saying to friends that I think its done because I hadn’t had  converstaion with you.

It was Wednesday and you said that you could come over after work to talk but it would have been late and I had a massive stone inside my stomach that was stopping me from eating thinking and sleeping. I didn’t want to accept that maybe you had used me over the weekend.

It was Thursday and people started asking questions and asking if I was sure and I didnt know what to tell anyone.

It was Friday.

It was Saturday

Sunday

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

It was Friday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was anxious-Part 13- I don’t hate Mondays

It’s a typical rainy cold Monday in November. The roads are manic and the streets are full of students, mothers with prams and rain covers, shopping bags attached to prams bashing and bumping about. The homeless man on the corner of Newland sat with bin bags protecting him from the rain.

The bus was really hectic today people coughing and spluttering and they where wiping there hands all over the handles of the chairs, damn it, would someone please attach hand sanitation to this place?

The last thing I want is to catch another bug or illness, I am now playing catch up at uni and its really stressful.

Last month they gave me morphine at hospital for stomach upset, you wouldn’t know because you wasn’t there, my god I wish someone I knew was there with me. I was in a very terrible pity party situation. So much had been happening in such a short space of time. It was really hard to catch my breath, the panic attacks where back again.

That was my breaking point, that was my fall, I was so close to just begging them to take me in. I wasn’t coping I wasn’t myself. And my stomach was huting so much it reminded me of the surgery the urgency I was in back then.

My puke was bright blue from the scan they did to check my organs. Thankfully it wasn’t an ectopic pregnancy, or twisted ovary like they suspected. He said he was sure, he thought, he said, it was 50/50, could be my appendix or my ovary.

They where wrong.

It was nothing and i’m fine.

Thankfully.

Doesn’t explain the pain though.

I am so thankful that my best friend that I actually met via the internet on Instagram was on the other end of the internet that evening. She sent her friend to come and sit with me and that was amazing, at last I wasn’t alone I had someone to talk to, and that we did. We spoke about so many things, whilst I waited 7 hours in the corridor double bent over or sat in the wheel chair.

There was a couple. They was really kind to me amazing. Strange but they was lovely. They had a busy, and different kind of life to the norm. Or maybe it was the norm and mine was just significantly different.

They came into A and E because he was walking down to his local offie (off-licence) then he had a huge cough and WHAM he was in so much pain down his right side he was struggling to move. He was in agony. I mean they did talk a lot about wanting to get home and have a spliff and a drink which was a little awkward. They have family that own a fair ground ride at Hull Fair and he let his kids go on and his kids friends on for free.

They really made my evening, and you wasn’t there. It was just another example of how I could survive without you.

I started to feel this way when I left home.

Similar but different.

I remember when I was able to boil pasta and cook something other than a pot noodle and beans on toast at 16. I taught myself and that was really pretty lonely to be honest. I defiantly want to add that to my mothering skills. 1. Make sure I teach the children how to cook.
I had been crying for so long I got myself in such a state, no friends where around to help no one was able to see me for whatever reasons. Maybe I make it hard for people to see me and communicate, maybe I don’t even know that I do this.

Just promise me you wont return anytime soon because I am starting to enjoy life without you. Even though you have destroyed what confidence I built up with my girlfriends over the summer, I am actually quite enjoying looking at people and thinking about them. What did they get up to this morning? was they squashed between an old man and a pram and some shopping bags, or where they sat in a comfy white car with you that smelt of stale piss.

I think I had actually made a friend at University, at last. But I better not let them get too close, or they will find out how much of an anxious freak I am.

My life is changing and adapting and almost better than it was. There is just this one thing.

A cycle of something I really don’t want to be in.

But for now, I don’t hate Mondays.

I was anxious part 12 part 2 : I’m here for you.

My counsellor often told me to find peace with the unknown.

But, I always struggled with this concept.

Finding peace with not knowing, and not having the answers to questions, was hard.

Especially the ones I had swimming in my head over and over.

Sometimes it took over my life and stopped me worrying about the moments that I was living in.

Sometimes by the time I stopped worrying about the unknowns, I had missed out on so much time, that was really in reality, nice. Potentially even could have been happy.

If someone text me saying that they wanted to have sex with me whilst thier girlfriend was away on holiday.

That would be clear to most people that it means that person is using the other person to cheat. Get pleassure for themselves, selfish and greedy.

The only person that would get hurt is me.

But to me it made me wonder if there was a deeper meaning, did that person miss me? Did they care about me? Could I see this person and not sleep with them just talk to them? Was it even about sex or a cry for help?

(I wish you didnt use me like that you knew I would decline (different you) please read other parts to this series to understand the ‘yous’.)

Further, made me think about all the crap I’d been through. I could almost construct a guide on how to love someone, how to be kind, how to treat someone like a fucking human. We could all do with one about how to end a relationship and not be a c*nt about it.

When you’ve been in a similar place you may find yourself questioning everything. Even things that didnt need questioning. People said to me it was naivety, lack of understanding. I think it’s a matter of perspective, a different viewpoint. Perhaps, I just refuse to let go of the thought that there is good in people.

Some have souls so powerful but confidence so low they cant break the cycle.

The goodness in people can change lives of many. But we all lose a little bit of hope as we get older.

It’s hard to stay open minded and possitive when life is cruel to you in so many ways.

Grieving in our culture is so difficult and a hard emotion to process, we dont hear it enough that it is ok to cry, ok to reach out, it’s ok to shout and scream. We bottle it up, we vanish, we never talk about it, we treat it as if it never happend or it happend but its not worth ‘worrying about’.

Well yes it is worth worrying about, it will happend to all of us. It’s worth making sure we all feel ok about discussing things with one another. I always try to think of it this way, life should always be celebrated.

Its fucking horrible when you lose someone in an unimaginable way, but you have to carry on living and live with thier thought in mind sometimes. Would they want you to stop being successful and happy? No. Would they want you to be miserable and broken for the rest of your life? No.

I mean if we lived forever then people wouldn’t make effort and it would be a pretty boring life. It matters because your voice is worthy, hell your life is precious, your precious. You deserve to be loved and deserve to be happy.

Its easy to find peace with things like this in time. But finding peace with someone who leaves your life and is still able to tell you what they think and feel and dont, is challenging.

Treating it the same will help?

Would you want me to feel immensely distraught and break down?

Would you want me to not be successful and happy? I don’t know

But I need move forward and find peace with something.