August 7th 2003
I always get a bit anxious when its weekends or half terms, I know most of my friends will be going on holiday or sometimes going out somewhere nice. But sometimes I have to sit in with my brothers, and mums finding it hard to wake up and my step dads filling the downstairs up with smoke. It would have been nice to stay with dad this weekend but he’s on a fun weekend away with a girl he has been talking to over msn.
Mums still asleep on the sofa and we’ve been told its best to stay upstairs until everyone is awake.
Its been a bit of a boring day and mum went out an hour ago, step dad came up stairs to see if we had seen her, my youngest brothers climbing onto the top bunk and swinging off the bars.
We’ve spent most of the afternoon playing upstairs and watching Mr Bean but I really want to go home now but dad isn’t picking up the phone or replying to my messages. Dad gave me an emergency mobile phone when I was 6 or maybe 7 in case I ever needed him for emergency’s, I’m not too sure what that means. I remember once I was in the corner shop on Newland Avenue next to Jackson’s and I went inside next moment my mum had gone, and I didn’t know what to do she had just left me there.
My step dad just came in the room and said he would have to leave me here to watch them, I didn’t like this idea as I am only 8 and I don’t want to be left alone without my mum and dad. He looked really concerned and said that he needed to go and look for mum as she had gone missing all day and that he was very worried about her.
Its a bit strange being in a house on my own my brothers eventually went to sleep.
There’s some blue lights flashing on the curtains, I wonder if that means mums home now.
What’s wrong with me?
You tell me all the things I want to hear
And I want you to want me like you say you do
But I can’t be in love with you?
I can’t find the way to restart this game?
And things just don’t seem to feel the same?
What is wrong with me ?
Your telling me the things I died to hear…
I miss you… still
I hate every lingering habit
I picked up from you
every shoulder shrug
every empty hug
every empty rumble from not eating from anxiety before arriving at yours… I miss you…. Still… I miss that I can’t fucking text
and if I do ill become a crazy ex
I hate that I can’t just turn up and say
because you’ll push me away.
I hate that your probably at the other side of the world by now.
and im frozen in the palm of your hands.
I picture myself in my coat with the fluffy hood
looking up to you as snow falls
the part where I feel in love
I still miss…. this
this feeling where I’m so fucking high
and I can’t take you off my mind
the days of hours sat wondering
what the hell we are doing and if your going to end up coming… over
stumbling… words like broken stairs that lead to nowhere
and im scared, that I miss you…. Still.
my head hits the pillow.. down falls my body
laying on the sheet
down goes my worries
inside it heats
off goes the quilt
my head hits the pillow
my head hits the pillow
Monday soon turns to Sunday
and Saturdays never felt the same since I was 18
thats a whole lot of alcohol
a whole lot of drinking
now people asking me why I don’t just have a bottle
my head hits the pillow
and beside me another head
my body falls
it lands inside the sheets
my worries climb in
like I gave them some kind of welcoming
I’m a disaster and you still persue me
that’s a shame
my head hits the pillow
down goes my head
head on the pillow again and again…
depression is an illness that knows no forgiveness. depression is deadly and can take over if you let it
depression is cunning and scarily addictive
can cast out a shadow of your worst fears and doubts
depression is a dementure that takes over your soul,
it feeds off your body it can swallow you whole,
depression is an illness a deadly disease,
it can spread it if you let it, take down cities and streets,
we need to work harder a cure must be there,
depression is deadly it just doesn’t care…
depression is darkness its voiceless and sharp,
intelligent and pretty like a spark in the heart,
don’t let depression make you feel guilty ashamed or afraid,
take back the courage to fight it away.
dont let people tell you your abnormal or strange, depression is common and can hurt anyone daily…
depression is close it came a couple of times, yeah a few, but I met some great people who had been through it too,
they gave me some pointers,
some tips to get rid,
but the remedy not quite there,
sometimes it can win.
6th of August 2007
“Lil is that you”
Dad asked opening the door.
“Yes” I whispered
“What are you doing up”
“I can’t sleep the thunders scary”
“It’s ok come in but then you must go to sleep”
The door creaked open I hadn’t been in the attic before. Dad hated me or my brothers going in. My step mum only ever went in to develop photos in water trays.
The room was cluttered with books, comics, toys still in boxes, we wasn’t allowed to take them out the packaging , speakers, baby dolls and mannequins and a record player. Some rope hanging with images pegged on.
Sat near the computer desk with the ceiling window open was dad “shhh…” he said “can you hear that?….it’s beautiful”
You can ruin my parade today
You can piss on my bonfire
You can eat all the birthday cake say they’re left overs and was by mistake
You can shit stir you can make me look like a fool
You can do it all you want because I’m giving up
Aaaaaand that’s ok, with me !
You can scare off all possible opportunities
You can take away my pride at least
You can act as though I am a beast
You can make out that I am a thief
It doesn’t seem to make much difference
Your efforts are insignificant
Aaaaaand that’s ok , with me!
You can burst all my balloons
You can call me names destroy my fun
You can trick me into loving you
Punish me time and time
I don’t care I guess I’m fine
Aaaaaaand that’s ok, with me!
Days and days go by,
my sweet god,
I’ve been waiting for you,
Your calming eyes,
Blue with a haze of purple ,
Black dot in the circle ,
You’ve been travelling through the night to get to me, at last ,
You was careful ,
You’ve found me…
My sweet lover ,
You was almost saturated in a fountain of bloody water,
Now your turning it back to blue,
Slipping your hands in and out ,
Is it better on the other side ?
My sweet god ,
With your calming heroic energy ,
Disastrous weather never bothered thee ,
And golden robes drape down on he,
The god of positive energy ,
…growing in fields in France waving around it dances
Grab my hand whilst where standing ,
You came to me ,
Rescued me from drowning ,
My sweet god.
Blue with a haze of purple,
Black dot in the circle,
golden robes right to your ankle ,
Your halo above it sparkles,
Will you rip it down wrap it round me neck and strangle ?
I’ve always been too much for a god to handle ,
Are you sure that I won’t be too much of a handful ?
I know I could be like ,
We don’t ever speak of Lavender
Would it ever be like Lavender?
Does she smell just like Lavender?
Sweet god, my traveller,
Eyes Blue with a haze of purple,
Black dot in the circle,
You travelled all this way,
Too meet me in the fields of gray,
To tell me it’s way too late….
5th of August 2008
Grandad picked me and my brothers up to go to Hornsea today. It’s been the hottest week in summer for years. He picked us up about half past 10 in the morning as we didn’t want to set off much later with risk of it being even warmer travelling.
We climbed in put our seatbelts on that was the most important part Grandad was adamant we all had our seatbelts on and we was in safe. Younger brother in his car seat eldest on the booster seat and me squished in the middle with my Sony Ericsson listening to annoying mobile tunes or playing snake.
It was really warm and our bodies would stick to the leather seats of the car , Grandad is proud of his car even though it smells like a horses foot. But we couldn’t and wouldn’t say that because he would be very defensive ! And would be classed as being rude. But it still smelt like a horses foot and I always saw the humour in that.
Mum was sat in the front with the window half way down and l Grandad had his thick leather jacket on and cap which was new because he normally always had his winter hat on even thought its summer. He also had his big round glasses that he’d been wearing since 1995.
My brothers wouldn’t stop arguing to he turned up the jazz music he had recorded on cassette really loud until my youngest brother eventually fell asleep.
Well this is our summer holiday, break away a couple of hours, by the seaside and maybe a chance of an ice cream depending how much change mum had on her . Although grandad always did end up trying to get money out of the ATM, that’s if he could see the pin pad.
The sea was rough today and soon cooled off by the time we arrived. Grandad eventually took off his leather jacket and hat and left it in the boot of the car handing over our bucket and spades although we didn’t feel like digging as it was starting to get really cold.
We walked up to the splash part where there was a shop right next to it where it sold ice creams cakes a cup of tea. Mum and grandad would always indulge in a cuppa whilst me and my brothers had a ice cream with a flake. No matter the weather we always tried to enjoy an ice cream with Grandad, and no matter the weather Grandad would always enjoy taking us all out what ever the weather….
Happy Birthday Grandad you would have been 73 today! You are much loved and missed ! Thankyou for so many good memories I know you’d be with us at the seaside now if you could be.
4th August year unknown