faceless in my dreams

you come to me faceless

every night for the last 3 nights
you come to me same words
I scream
‘stop it stop it come back
please ‘
my voice drifts off into the breeze

I collapse my feet give up
the night draws in. the doors are shut. the room in spins into another memory
I grow to forget of you and me.

every night for the last 3 nights
I’ve been in a struggle,
in a fight.
to go to sleep to close my eyes
incase I see you by surprise
just like you’ve gone
just like you’ve died
I just want to be by your side
but I’m just a waste of space
and im your sour aftertaste.

stop visiting me faceless in my dreams
stop talking to me please
stop showing up and haunting me
I’m trying to forget our memory
stop visting me faceless in my dreams
it’s to much for me to see
I can’t escape in the day it seems
what would the next option be at least?

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benefits mum

hello its me
another benefits mum
another where the fucks my child maintenance?
skint at the end of the week
if i rent a house they need 6 month bank statements
in case i’m dodgy
nothing is private

hello its me
another benefits mum
I’ve had my housing delayed
rent nearly late
I made it
tried to get work
but the childcare cost more than a roof and food combined

Hi its me another benefits mum
apart from i’m always off my bum
i’m walking around these streets day in and out repeatedly
and now i’m
another mum asking another mum for a lump sum
to get some food for the little ones

its me
such a strange life to be
when money is controlling me
trapped in a system
patriarchy
cant break free
politicians put a number on me
like a cow in a field
and the media makes me sound like i am some kind of scum
but its hard i have little ones calling me mum
so i must have a responsibility
but the pressure society puts on me
makes me feel like i cant breathe
people assume its how i want to be
but
i could imagine being anywhere better…..

Letter 8 Rizlas

August 2005

dear,

I went to the park on my own today, hoody, joggers green NIKE trainers. I didn’t intend to go out and meet anyone, I just wanted to get out as its the summer holidays and they have been so boring this year. I normally just sit with my headphones in from my mp3 player, sometimes playing the boring album. You can only maybe get 1 or 2 albums on at a time and I don’t have that many CDs to start with anyway, maroon 5 is getting a little bit repetitive.

There where these lads here today that came over to me and started talking one was a little round and tried to bike around on top of the chopped up bark flooring, another one sort of skinny and has glasses and the 3rd he was oldest 15 and seemed a bit scruffy. And my god they could have done with a shower.

One of the lads asked what my name was , and I said Lilyth but it took them awhile to get there tounges around it. Asking me why I was on my own and why I’m not playing with anyone, and I tried to explain that no one I know was around here or out.

I got off the swing and went towards the climbing frame and we sat in the under part, away from the rain. The oldest lad was boasting about how he had learned how to roll cigarettes and that he smokes. He was a lot older than me but we didn’t seem to different. I don’t understand why they smelt so bad, I’m guessing that’s puberty or something. Oh, and they started asking if I was single , that was a little awkward.

Anyway the oldest lad was called Luke and he was really cute and I was telling him off saying he shouldn’t be smoking and that he is too young. When he wasn’t looking I took the packet of Green Rizlas off him. He seemed pretty lost I couldn’t help but think that the summer holiday had been a bit tough for him too.

They walked me home.

August 20th

I’ve been at dads all this week, mum said that the boys from the park keep coming to knock for me I told her to give them my number so I could text.

September 3rd

Mum called me today I haven’t been able to see her for some time dads been driving me around all his work places and I’m back at school this week I cant believe they’ve been knocking for so many weeks, I said to her again to give my number then I could text them, she must keep forgetting.

November 9th

Mum said that it is the last time that them lads call for me and she said she told them not to call on me anymore because I don’t live with her. I said it wasn’t my fault I wasn’t asking them to call on me. I feel a little bit sad though, I’ve put the Rizlas in one of my boxes and put it under the bed.

August 2009

I’ve been clearing out my bedroom now that I have to get ready for GCSE work, when I found this small thing of cig papers. I cant believe that I had them in my room for so long.

anxiety my chains

Anxiety my chains
.
I’m shy,
but not really,
smile,
but I’m                  secrectly,
crying.
I’m laughing!
silent,
but I’m chatting!
.
I’m shy,
but not really.
I’m cold,
and im needy.
the
attention
you
give
me
smokes
like
fire
in my belly.
and im ready,
when your ready…
slow  ,
but I’m steady,
quick,
and on edge,
anxiety.
my chains
just want to feel,’normal’ again.
.

belongs to me

belongs to me
.
my body,
is for my enjoyment,
every strap,
every lace,
every mark,
beauty spot,
it belongs to me.
my body is,
MY temple,
and I will not give you one piece!
if I choose to share with you,
then you,
shall respect it,
as if it is your own,
it is not for you to comment,
I will not be objectified,
sexualised,
or demonised,
I do things for my own satisfaction,
no man, No other,
not for their joy,
entertainment,
my body it belongs to me.

goodnight goodbye

Goodnight
goodbye.

my lover living by the river
my lover living by the ripples
of the oceon
trickling in…

goodnight goodbye.

this shall be the last time
distancing but
looking back
but never going in
car shuts,
the rubber sticks to the door frame
sealing in the pented emotions,
I left
and in the passenger seat
did I leave a hair?
my perfume there?
was it enough for you to look back and see
me
sitting
whilst you was
smiling
holding my hand
I slipped it into yours on the gear…

what happend to us dear?
why did you leave in fear?

goodnight goodbye.

may all the ships sail in and out your life
living by the river
not a stone thrown in our name
why couldn’t it bounce along
then sink deeply
like the love in our blood
and the sharpness in our brains
I opened up, now I’m hurting,
more than I thought I ever could.

goodnight
goodbye.

your motor engine softly glides
back into the night
I’m waiting around
awhile
to see if you’d pass me by
but no humming of your motor arrives
outside my door…

goodnight, goodbye.

my lover living by the river
watching people taking pictures
im waiting for it, when it hits you
that I am no longer with you.

goodnight, goodbye.

Trusting

Trusting

I took you in
Like I forgot all bad
I pressed restart
And now
I lay here
I’m regret looking up in the dark
I treated you like a puppy
But you bit like a shark
And I gave you
A section
Tiny section of my heart
But you took the whole lot
And now I’m startled
Don’t know where to start
And I’m
Frozen…
Stood in the middle of a war zone
Battling emotions I never knew I even had
Happy keeps dancing away with sad
And I’m
Punishing myself
Thinking why did I even let you in
How on earth could I be so trusting.

utterly devoted

Utterly devoted
and
paranoidly overwhelmed
that there is nothing better
ever better
something
somewhere
in this world.

utterly devoted
slaving
in worship over you.

digging bigger holes
landing me in limbo
catch 22

utterly devoted
obsessed
head mess
digressing, bed sweating.
over you.

I know its taking over,
but my thoughts are warmer,
when I think of you.
I am and as I stand utterly devoted.

i’d give love, for arms

right now
I’d do anything
I’d give my self away
just to be heard again

right now
I’d do anything.
I’d steal
I’d beg
I’d plead
just to get this one thing that I need.

right now
I’d be more than happy
to offer, all my life
for love it has no price
not just a sacrifice
leave a sour taste for afterlife
and I know its not much in return
and I don’t think I will ever learn
but I would give my whole
pour all my heart and soul…

I’d give love,
just for your arms.

gone

it’s really starting to hit home
that your gone.. and I’m alone
and I hate this selfish feeling for need,
its unsettling me,
that your gone,
and the memories…
all muddled into one,
become fog,
like we never ever met,
seems wrong,
I hate it,
its horrible,
we can’t and dont talk,
and I go around in circles in my head all day,
telling myself all the bad,
making it sound good.

The Cage (adult short story)

Adult short story based on an experience.
By Lilyth Coglan
WordPress: lettersyoullneversee2019.com

My eyes were slowly starting to open, and I thought maybe I had made it back home. Why was it still dark? and where was I? My head felt like it was internally bruised. I could only just lift it up off the floor, it felt heavy.
I began to gather myself and I could see that I was inside something? A boot of a car? No. Someone’s house, I don’t think so. I used my arms to slowly lift myself off the floor, there was a dim flicker of light. I feel like I have been carried and put here as my legs feel so weak and I’m tired. I’m not sure what to think, it’s been a long night, week in fact. But now, I’m starting to panic.
My feet are bare, but I still have my black dress on that I bought with my best friend on my 19th birthday. It has thin straps over the shoulder and comes just before the knee. I seemed to have one strap snapped dangling on to my back. I could see that my nails are still painted in glossy red, some chipping on my thumb and middle finger. I can sense a strong smell of perfume, vodka and red bull and passive cigarette smoke.
Where am I? What is this place, is it some sick prank that I’ve been dragged into, literally dragged?
With the flickering of yellow light, I could see my heels in the distance just lying there, bundled together. Shadow lines where falling on to me as I began to regain consciousness some more, I could see that I seemed to be in a jail? or a cell?
Maybe there was a fight and I got pulled into it.
I’m innocent!
I could feel my heart racing and my hands beginning to shake. I’m standing up now and I can see that I am surrounded by metal poles, all lined together. I think I am stood in a shape, I’m walking up towards the bars around me. I’m in a square sort of shape.
“Hello! Help! Help! Anyone here?”
My voice, not even echoing. I shout louder.
“Help me! Help!”
I can’t see anything else in the room, no windows, no doors and worst of all no people. I sat back down along the bars and trying to think hard about what’s happening.
I seem to be sat inside a cage.
*
The room’s still dark, I’ve been sat here for maybe 10 minutes, thinking. The night began early like many, we had alco’ pops at home in the flat. It’s a nightmare flat. The neighbours above have been throwing needles out on the garden floor, it’s a shared garden, but that’s not the kind of sharing I want to be doing. I hate that place, but this place I’m in right now doesn’t seem to be much better.
There’s no one here, I’m going to waste my breath.
“Hello! Hello! HELLO!”
I must have been pretty wasted, I can still taste this fresh taste of acidic burning in my tummy. I am starting to feel grateful for the things I have out of this cage. Wow, this is a lot of deep thoughts in the space. I must have had my phone on me at some point, but I can’t remember having a bag, I remember Katie and I messaging each other throughout the night. I just started to think about all my family and friends especially my best friend Katie if I’m here then, where is she? have they got her too? I am so confused I just want to get out, I can feel myself feeling more and more squashed the longer I’m in here and I feel like crying isn’t going to help either.
I gave up on the only exit I could see and started to walk around the cage and see if I could see anything significant.
A flickering of pasty yellow light kept coming and going. Like a light in a hall of a big house that needs changing and is about to blow. It feels like it’s the only thing keeping me sane right now.
I came up with an idea to reach my shoes through the bars, maybe the pointy heel part could help me jab the lock open, I tried with huge efforts to slide my slim arms through the gaps in the railings.
Eventually I decided to call a defeat. I’m stuck alone and clearly no one can hear me.
*
I feel like there’s an out of body of me somewhere else dragging my soul along, perhaps I’m just dreaming. All these thoughts just keep flooding into my head over and over. I curled into a ball and tried to go to sleep. I clenched my eyes shut tightly, but I just couldn’t drift. I wished I was anywhere else but here right now. It reminded me of that scene in Peter Pan where in his hand there is a fairy laid there lifeless, and he chants “I do believe in fairies, I do, I do” and just like that she slowly comes back to life.
There is hope.
For some reason I couldn’t fall asleep and then suddenly, I found myself drift into a heavy deep dream. Friends, the night club, music, dancing. A man whose face I know so well and perhaps even falling for. I kept crossing him on the way out to the smokers’ yard. He was wearing a shirt, looked smart to be honest. He’d been talking to me for some while, I think he fancied me. Katie kept telling me to stay away and I didn’t really know why, she always jokes that she has this sixth sense of being able to tell what people are thinking and what they are doing.
On the 4th time of bumping into him as the night progressed, his collar was covered in makeup smudges and lipstick kisses. Even on his face, I was livid, and I don’t really know why I was to be honest. Maybe because I felt a little led on, and if a girl got that close then he was quite obviously flirting.
‘what’s this!?’ I giggled and hiccupped pulling at his shirt. He just laughed and walked back off into the nightclub. S
Then out of nowhere a bright light beamed on my face. Feeling sad and upset, like the party had suddenly turned for the worst. Why is that my last memories? Is it telling me something?
I opened one eye slowly under this bright light, and then the other. The silence was quickly broken by loud people talking and laughing, arguing and throwing up. I was slumped on the floor sat against a window, crowded with people, loud rowdy drunk people. Could see legs, lots of legs all stood around me. Smell horrible greasy chip fat and burnt pizza cheese.
I tried to hold my gaze long enough but with a huge gasp of air I was sent back spiralling and before I knew it back inside the cage. This time stood up, perfect order, no rips, bruises my shoes dangling in my hands knocking gently together, no horrible after taste of cheap welly vodka and red bull. I felt as if I had just begun the night again. The cage seemed different now. There’s no pitch-black darkness, or a small shadow of flickering light. The room is square and painted white. I still see no exit and no windows.
“Hello, is anyone here?”
I shouted louder.
A force pushed me backwards, I tripped and fell onto the floor banging my head against the bars of the cage. Only to wake up again in what seemed to be the take away.
“what the fuck are you doing?”
A familiar sweet calming voice..
Beside me that same scent, feeling, force of attraction. Hang on, its him the same guy from the club. The same guy that’s been talking to me for almost a year.
“I said what the fuck are you doing?”
I have no idea why she kept saying this, and I don’t think she was saying it to me.
My eyes closed again I really needed to open them, but I just didn’t have the strength. My body paralysed. I have no control over it. I know I have drunk a fair bit, but I have never ended up quite this way. I remember Katie bringing me double vodka cokes, downing sambuca shots. Surely, I haven’t been spiked?
He was leaning on to me close, I managed to turn my head and look at his face. Everything felt like it was in slow motion.
I’ve become unconscious again.
*
I’m stood standing in my underwear, my arms wrapped around my body. This time I seem to be standing inside the cage. The room is spinning lights are flashing, words showing up across the walls in red paint,
‘SLAG, WHORE, FAKE, USER, SEX, SLAG, WHORE, USER, SEX, FAKE’
“Get me out!” I scream “Get me out, I want to leave!” black mascara tears ran down my foundation face. Skin coloured drops dripped on to the collar of my dress.
Running to the bars, I pushed them and pulled them, tried to stretch them open.
“Let me out, let me out now”
Then bam! I was slumped up against the takeaway window. The guy next to me, the guy from the club, the guy I had been texting for almost a year. I could smell his cologne along with sweat from dancing, I didn’t care. I had wanted to be around him for some time. He seemed right, it seemed right.
“What the fuck are you doing?”
That voice again, Katie my beautiful friend. Oh, how relieved I was to hear her sweet Yorkshire accent. My stomach was rough, and I was starting to feel queasy, legs like lead. Then a faint weight was sitting, landed upon my right leg, on the inner thigh. Reaching in further, it was his hand going up my dress.
“I said what the fuck are you doing”
Katie grabbed the guys arm and pulled it off my skin. I stood up with shock, staring into the man’s eyes. I thought maybe one day he was going to be my boyfriend.
Chunks of pizza and chips was thrown across the takeaway floor and pavement.
He smirked, holding his arms out to the side of his hips “I’m not doing anything…”
Katie quickly stood up still in her heels, and what seemed to be in her right hand my shoes and phone. In her left hand a bag of food from the takeaway. She came towards me and lead me out the door to leave. I looked at her, with relief and shock.
“That was scary…”

What kind of poet are you ?

He asked me
Half heartedly
“What kind of poet are you?”
You said you didn’t really read,
But I smiled when I saw that you watched tv with the subs,
“What kind of poet are you?”
A question no one really was too interested to ask,
You don’t ever judge me,
Just look,
Watch me rambling on as ever,
‘Why can’t we just be together?’
In that moment It seemed perfect,
That was then and this is now,
Whilst I thought about what kind
Of poet I am,
I realised I don’t have to be a type,
You seemed to have taken an interest,
That made me hopeful,
A hopefully romantically lost poet I was,
You left me in an ally way in the dead of night,
Now a dangerous poet I am.