New poems on my YouTube channel

Almost

https://youtu.be/QdI3zKfUUX8

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benefits mum

hello its me
another benefits mum
another where the fucks my child maintenance?
skint at the end of the week
if i rent a house they need 6 month bank statements
in case i’m dodgy
nothing is private

hello its me
another benefits mum
I’ve had my housing delayed
rent nearly late
I made it
tried to get work
but the childcare cost more than a roof and food combined

Hi its me another benefits mum
apart from i’m always off my bum
i’m walking around these streets day in and out repeatedly
and now i’m
another mum asking another mum for a lump sum
to get some food for the little ones

its me
such a strange life to be
when money is controlling me
trapped in a system
patriarchy
cant break free
politicians put a number on me
like a cow in a field
and the media makes me sound like i am some kind of scum
but its hard i have little ones calling me mum
so i must have a responsibility
but the pressure society puts on me
makes me feel like i cant breathe
people assume its how i want to be
but
i could imagine being anywhere better…..

Letter 8 Rizlas

August 2005

dear,

I went to the park on my own today, hoody, joggers green NIKE trainers. I didn’t intend to go out and meet anyone, I just wanted to get out as its the summer holidays and they have been so boring this year. I normally just sit with my headphones in from my mp3 player, sometimes playing the boring album. You can only maybe get 1 or 2 albums on at a time and I don’t have that many CDs to start with anyway, maroon 5 is getting a little bit repetitive.

There where these lads here today that came over to me and started talking one was a little round and tried to bike around on top of the chopped up bark flooring, another one sort of skinny and has glasses and the 3rd he was oldest 15 and seemed a bit scruffy. And my god they could have done with a shower.

One of the lads asked what my name was , and I said Lilyth but it took them awhile to get there tounges around it. Asking me why I was on my own and why I’m not playing with anyone, and I tried to explain that no one I know was around here or out.

I got off the swing and went towards the climbing frame and we sat in the under part, away from the rain. The oldest lad was boasting about how he had learned how to roll cigarettes and that he smokes. He was a lot older than me but we didn’t seem to different. I don’t understand why they smelt so bad, I’m guessing that’s puberty or something. Oh, and they started asking if I was single , that was a little awkward.

Anyway the oldest lad was called Luke and he was really cute and I was telling him off saying he shouldn’t be smoking and that he is too young. When he wasn’t looking I took the packet of Green Rizlas off him. He seemed pretty lost I couldn’t help but think that the summer holiday had been a bit tough for him too.

They walked me home.

August 20th

I’ve been at dads all this week, mum said that the boys from the park keep coming to knock for me I told her to give them my number so I could text.

September 3rd

Mum called me today I haven’t been able to see her for some time dads been driving me around all his work places and I’m back at school this week I cant believe they’ve been knocking for so many weeks, I said to her again to give my number then I could text them, she must keep forgetting.

November 9th

Mum said that it is the last time that them lads call for me and she said she told them not to call on me anymore because I don’t live with her. I said it wasn’t my fault I wasn’t asking them to call on me. I feel a little bit sad though, I’ve put the Rizlas in one of my boxes and put it under the bed.

August 2009

I’ve been clearing out my bedroom now that I have to get ready for GCSE work, when I found this small thing of cig papers. I cant believe that I had them in my room for so long.

What’s wrong with me ?

What’s wrong with me?

You tell me all the things I want to hear

And I want you to want me like you say you do

But I can’t be in love with you?

I can’t find the way to restart this game?

And things just don’t seem to feel the same?

What is wrong with me ?

Your telling me the things I died to hear…

My head hits the pillow

my head hits the pillow.. down falls my body

laying on the sheet

down goes my worries

inside it heats

off goes the quilt

my head hits the pillow

my head hits the pillow

Monday soon turns to Sunday

and Saturdays never felt the same since I was 18

thats a whole lot of alcohol

a whole lot of drinking

now people asking me why I don’t just have a bottle

my head hits the pillow

another pillow

another bed

and beside me another head

my body falls

it lands inside the sheets

my worries climb in

like I gave them some kind of welcoming

I’m a disaster and you still persue me

that’s a shame

my head hits the pillow

down goes my head

head on the pillow again and again…

Letter 6 ‘thunder’

6th of August 2007

‘Thunder’

Dear,

It’s been terrible weather this evening and whilst everyone else in the house cries or hides when the thunder and lightening strikes. Dad always runs up to the attic with a microphone recorder. I’m never allowed in the attic and I get pretty freaked out or scared by the dolls he keeps on the stairs and landing. They are the dolls you see in shop windows.
Mannequins so they call them.
Terrifying. 
I snuck up tip toeing up the stairs so he didn’t yell at me and tell me to go. He still managed to hear the very faint squeak of the floor boards break.
“Lil?”
I slowly started to walk backwards but nearly toppled over my feet my socks where loose.

“Lil is that you”

Dad asked opening the door.

“Yes” I whispered

“What are you doing up”

“I can’t sleep the thunders scary”

“It’s ok come in but then you must go to sleep”

The door creaked open I hadn’t been in the attic before. Dad hated me or my brothers going in. My step mum only ever went in to develop photos in water trays.

The room was cluttered with books, comics, toys still in boxes, we wasn’t allowed to take them out the packaging , speakers, baby dolls and mannequins and a record player. Some rope hanging with images pegged on.

Sat near the computer desk with the ceiling window open was dad “shhh…” he said “can you hear that?….it’s beautiful”

Aaaaand that’s ok with me

You can ruin my parade today

You can piss on my bonfire

You can eat all the birthday cake say they’re left overs and was by mistake

You can shit stir you can make me look like a fool

You can do it all you want because I’m giving up

Aaaaaand that’s ok, with me !

You can scare off all possible opportunities

You can take away my pride at least

You can act as though I am a beast

You can make out that I am a thief

It doesn’t seem to make much difference

Your efforts are insignificant

Aaaaaand that’s ok , with me!

You can burst all my balloons

You can call me names destroy my fun

You can trick me into loving you

Punish me time and time

I don’t care I guess I’m fine

Aaaaaaand that’s ok, with me!

Letter 4 ‘The ice creams’

4th August year unknown

Dear , 
I’ve been busy today, the sun has been glowing and we’ve been running around at #Spurnpoint we always make it a competition to see who can run to the abandoned #spurnpointlighthouse first. The sand looked golden and fluffy, the sea calm with frothy with with bubbles at the edges of the waves. Water clear and see-through in the middle. The whole sky reflected across the water you could see the sky and the seagulls dancing around in the waters mirror.
And … no one else was there just us. I’m soaked , but that doesn’t matter I’ve got sand in my socks and shoes. Dads hair it tied up in a knot, he seems really happy today. My step mum and I walked across the stones , bare footed of course, at the top near the cliffs looking for sea shells, fossils like ammonites and smoothed stained glass. 
We’ve had a really nice day, my youngest brother is in the car seat fast asleep and my eldest is eating ice cream out of a cone. It’s a strange story , I was walking along on my own whilst everyone was getting into the car when I saw a piece of paper sticking out of the sand. I almost ignored it at first. But I reached out and pulled it from the sand, to see that it was a 20 pound note!
In amazement I ran over to dad but he said I should share it with everyone and get them an ice cream. So I did. 

One last thought before bed

I miss it,

But I’m so damn grateful that I’m so far away from that place,

I hate that I think of it,

But I know where I am,

I’m in such a safer environment,

It’s slightly distressing in the back of my memories,

The house was beautiful,

I imaged dancing holding wedding drapes,

Scrubbing off pieces of our wedding cake,

I miss it but it’s that part of my soul that needs to evaporator into the earth and never return,

I imagined raising our first child,

I watched them run in the garden,

All the seeds and flowers I watched them grow,

Nursed them as if I was a talented gardener,

But I had to leave all of that behind and that is was destroys me,

And as I look back in the memories of my mind.

I just see hate.

Blackness covering the garden.

Weed killer murdering the flowers.

And no child.

No cake.

No wedding drapes.

The world can harbour evil,

Who am I to challenge it?

And although deep this may seem,

It is sometimes one last thought before I go to bed.

8th jan 2019

anxiety my chains

Anxiety my chains
.
I’m shy,
but not really,
smile,
but I’m                  secrectly,
crying.
I’m laughing!
silent,
but I’m chatting!
.
I’m shy,
but not really.
I’m cold,
and im needy.
the
attention
you
give
me
smokes
like
fire
in my belly.
and im ready,
when your ready…
slow  ,
but I’m steady,
quick,
and on edge,
anxiety.
my chains
just want to feel,’normal’ again.
.

I got all the answers I need

This is it,

there is no us,

no then, no now

this is it,

I’ve been ignoring myself for too long,

for so long,

I have all the answers I need,

I can go on along as I please.

Time to take care of me,

this is it there is no we.

Just I.

I got all the answers I need.