mentalhealth

Lost

Jan/16

I’d have done everything and anything,

Just to be by your side,

I’d of made those scrambled eggs,

Toast all fried,

I can’t believe the amount I’ve lost
And I can’t believe the amount I’ve cried,

I feel so restless, I barely sleep,

And I keep rubbing my eyes,

The realisation that you really don’t
And can’t stand me quite that way,

Is making my whole life a living hell,
And I have to go away,

For life is sweet when your around
And beams fly out my face,

But you destroy all my surrounds,
And I get lost inside my space,

I have to hold your hand one day,

And be your something more,

But I don’t think I will get that now
My fat face by your door,

Rejection is so hard for me,

But I’m sure I will survive,

For love is love and may be lost,

But it won’t destroy my pride.

I was anxious-Part 23- theres always rain after a storm.

For the best part things seemed to be bubbling over for me mentally.

In reflection Summer greated us with tremendous thunder storms. I remember you texting me one evening when you went round the corner to play warhammer games with a friend.

The lightening was so bright and the thunder was a beautiful drumming sound echoing throughout the night.

Perhaps there where no faults lying anywhere, perhaps this was a huge mistake and you wished you hadn’t have met me.

There are so many things I wont ever know, things I wont understand and probably more incidents like this to come.

I told you I sensed rain fall, I bought a new coat incase.

Then 1 month of rain in 24 hours fell, leading to flooding in Doncaster and Wales.

I met you, greated you with a rainbow, stunning summer ray’s, then a storm and now the rain.

I have to deal with things, I’m not sure how long it will take for me to repair things caused by excessive rainfall, such as the tears and hurt and upset.

As for the people coping with the actual flooding I really do hope the rain stops.

Too much rain on both terms is bad for anyone.

I’ve been so low, I have been bed bound with tonsillitis and fever 3 nights. 3rd outbreak this year.

There is no chance hearing from you, and I suppose that’s fine. I feel so much better being able to talk to someone the readers, and comments from them. People are kind in unfamiliar ways.

Maybe this wasn’t a summer love story like most people like and hope. But yet another challenge for my mental health and self esteem to overcome.

I was anxious- Part 3-Part 5-Part 22- Spiders Nightclub.

You was different.

You held me really tight you let me cry and didnt judge me you waited until my storm had passed, we went to a corner of the nightclub that wasn’t as busy you had your arms around me and you sat me down next to you and held me.

Since you left, I’ve been in that storm for so long rocking along up and down in a boat.

You might think that saying this doesn’t change anything.

Your right, but this is all part of the story and this is all important because you showed me that a man is capable of being understanding.

That maybe I am capable of being loved and cared for.

… tbc

Monday 11th November 2019

I was anxious-part 21- I had something to tell you

You called me your ex’s name:

There was something wrong.

Very wrong.

I tried a few times to bring it up.

I thought you’d be the one to help me.

How stupid, I am so stupid. I shouldn’t have ever let you in.

Perhaps there was no talking because when you called me your ex’s name I got straight into the shower and cried.

Embarrassing ?

I am not ashamed to share, I am not ashamed to show two halves of the story.

Perhaps I was overreacting.

Except, I needed more sympathy the night before. With feeling unwell.

You didn’t know this because I never told you.

I helped you out when you was unwell, I understood it maybe it was because it was physical symptoms, cold flu, man flu, people can see it, understand it more.

The night before

I didn’t feel like eating and you was really hungry, you felt like you put your time in there was nothing you was doing right at all.

Perhaps, it felt you was stuck in a limbo situation, and I wasn’t reacting the way you thought I should be reacting.

You could have just called a pizza and made me laugh cheered me up. I guess I felt unwell and all I could think was soup. Sleep.

You didn’t factor in the sleepless nights overwhelming crying from children that made me even more anxious.

I know, I hate soup so boring right?

There was that time we was walking towards wings and I had the perfect opportunity to tell you then but it was supposed to be a fun night for you and I didn’t want to ruin another night.

I didn’t want to take off or anything or vanish. It killed me that I walked away.

I was running out of time and I knew it.

You was supposed to stay out late and be with them, you showed up earlier than planned.

I could have told you then.

Maybe I was planting seeds but I never wanted them to grow.

The spiders evening I could have told you then but I just cried and cried.

The time we stood in the hall way, the time I walked over to the house, the time I went into your work, the time I broke down at my friends house and you walked me back.

Now it’s too late.

I was anxious-part 19-It was Friday

It was Friday and you had been let down again from seeing the girls.

We managed to get over most of the hurdles we faced during the middle.

We spoke a bit more and we was on a good page with one another.

I wanted to surprise you treat you.

We was both wearing jumpers that looked the same which made me giggle, we was alike and it was nice.

I like being around people who are alike and can relate.

You had no idea but I wanted to get out of the house, things where getting you down and I could tell.

So we went out for dinner and I bought you whatever you fancied.

You was telling me about the foods you liked and enjoyed and said you would show me how to cook them and could make my own versions I wanted to make, for what I was able to eat.

Fridays where strange you finished earlier on a Friday then what you would on a Wednesday and Thursday.

You would remind me this every week.

I tried to cheer you up help you understand that it probably isn’t personal at all and you kept telling me how worried you was that maybe the kids wouldnt want to know you the older they became.

I said that wouldn’t be likely and that kids that age like seeing their friends and not hanging out with their parents.

It meant alot to you and I respected that and you agreed to just try and keep communicating.

You was proud that you was able to maintain a mutural set up with you ex said that you knew that to some people would think that was really weird but I didnt think that.

Not when kids are involved and if it was ended on a basis where you both came to agreements with things then that’s really positive and I think that if people can put their differences aside it makes it easier for everyone.

Life is too short to be arguing all the time and making things difficult for one another.

Why was I any different?

I was the meaningless jigsaw piece.

Maybe it was because we wasn’t talking for a massive amount of time but it felt like I had known you for years. I felt like we just clicked, I couldn’t have imagined anything like this ever happening.

At the very worst I would have thought we would have been friends.

The further I come from this, the more time alone I have, the less it feels like that was even my life.

Its strange it feels now like a wandering dream.

Unreal.

People keep bringing up your name and I really don’t know what to say, there are so many things that I don’t know.

I hold my hands up and I apologise, I ask what it was that I did and you never reply. 

People say that, that’s because you don’t want to know and the quicker I notice this the easier and better the outcome will be for me.

Maybe something awful happened maybe something happened that you cant tell me about, maybe the truth is you are back with your ex and that’s why you said that people thought it was weird.

Maybe someone said something about me or maybe someone said that I said something about you.

Maybe your sick, or maybe my reaction to you calling me your ex’s name really did piss you off.

Maybe the poem following that pissed you off, maybe you thought some poems I shared where about you.

I’m not sure. I’m not certain.

As I said before in the other parts we never had a row, we didn’t have an argument and it was all left on a really bizzare note.

It was Tuesday and you came over after work you was a bit grumpy as was I and I felt really off unwell, it wasn’t you I was just tired from the school runs after school and starting university.

Maybe you felt that because I was at University that we had different paths, but really that wasn’t your choice to make.

You made choices that week that I didn’t understand and choices I made you didn’t understand.

It was Wednesday and you offered to help with the school runs it was fine. But then that’s when you called me your ex’s name.

Nothing was said about it in the moment. I was in shock because it was a little bit random and first thing, but I just said I needed to think about it I never said I was angry.

I said I needed some space and maybe see you at the weekend since you work late on Wednesdays and Thursdays.

To you this was overreacting, to me it was having time to think about it.

For both of us.

It was Thursday and I hadn’t really heard from you from the Wednesday morning, you used to ask if you could call me, you would text me every 8am saying hey with a waving emoji and say good morning.

All of this was dissolving. 

I needed to do something in town and you work in  town and I thought it would have been nice to say hello and surprise you.

You didn’t like this you didn’t let me in and you  told me there and then abruptly that you did not like surprises.

I couldn’t look at you.

I felt like there was something you was hiding not telling me and I was getting worried.

I really didn’t think that it was worth being this big a deal and wanted to resolve things.

People may think otherwise but honestly all I ever do is to try and resolve things, it makes it easier and better for everyone.

You was cold.

I had never seen you behave so cold.

Ever.

Saturday came and it was the first ever Saturday I had had without the kids since moving in and it was a great chance to talk and try and resolve things.

You finshed work at 5pm on a Saturday but for whatever reason you chose to stay on and not speak to me until half 7 almost 8.

You couldn’t look at me you was just looking at the floor and having cig after cig.

Saying words and not finishing the sentences.

I had seen this look before on my children when they knew they had done something wrong but there wasn’t really anything that big.

I didn’t want you to feel bad.

I just was confused.

You looked so pale and unwell it was unsettling.

You was saying words like ‘look’ and ‘and..’ ‘maybe’ and not really saying much at all, whilst the steam from your cup of tea was floating off into the garden.

I asked you if you didn’t want to talk or see me anymore, and you said ‘oh no of course not its not that’ and then started talking about having a sched.

You said that you wasn’t happy with my reaction in the week and I upset you  coming too see you before work. I apologised.

Next thing we went to the bar where you had first come to see me after a poetry night that had finished.

It made me think so much that in the beginning  you did the exact same thing to me you came to see me with no notice, you contacted me and came round and you was persuing me.

I did not act the way that you was.

It didn’t stop you continuing the night and continuing to have drinks with me and a laugh and tell me how nice I looked and how lucky you thought you was.

It didn’t stop you taking me across the road into another bar and continue to talk to me for another 3 hours.

We was in Pave and we spoke about your parents your family.

We spoke about your experiance at university.

We spoke about christmas and we spoke about what your family may have thought about us talking and you was happy and you said that they would be happy and it would have been nice for me to meet them.

You told me in such great detail about the things that you had been though.

We then spoke about filming and films you had been involved in making and ones that you wanted to do.

I told you about the book that I was writing and you told me about what you was writing and that you seeing me write made you want to grow that passion again. 

Your phone died and you kept hinting.

I didnt know what you was on about.

You went off to the toilet and I glared down at my phone and saw the message.

YOU said that you was having such an amazing night.

Last orders.

Sainsbury’s was shut  and its never shut so we went to the garage because we wanted more cigs.

I hadn’t really eaten much so I got drunk a little bit easier than normal.

…..

We got back to mine and I put some music on I said that we never got chance to dance at spiders that night and maybe we should try it again sometime.

I may have been drunk but I remember everything.

You didn’t want to talk you was all affectionate.

Sunday.

You took me to F&B we had a meal and it was a rip off, I did try and pre-warn you but it felt like you wanted to treat me or spend time with me maybe.

We was umming and arring about what we should do as we was hanging a little bit from the pub drinking.

It was 3pm and you was grumpy tired and you started to stop looking at me again. I felt unhappy even though it had been so nice talking and everything.

It was 3pm and you started going on about needing to use the laundrette and that you needed to go home and get some sleep so I said sure whatever it takes for you to go and be ok.

My feelings was never considered in your scenarios, you went home and you didn’t message me.

It was Monday and I didn’t hear anything, you didn’t mention the weekend and you didn’t ask if I was ok.

It was Tuesday and I just started saying to friends that I think its done because I hadn’t had  converstaion with you.

It was Wednesday and you said that you could come over after work to talk but it would have been late and I had a massive stone inside my stomach that was stopping me from eating thinking and sleeping. I didn’t want to accept that maybe you had used me over the weekend.

It was Thursday and people started asking questions and asking if I was sure and I didnt know what to tell anyone.

It was Friday.

It was Saturday

Sunday

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

It was Friday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fighting

Don’t stop writing,

Let words give you courage to keep on,

Fighting.

Let flames go on their own,

Without you smouldering them….

Let the damage burn,

Don’t touch.

Let them cool whilst you recover them,

Don’t stop writing,

For it is your freedom to feel whatever you wish,

Without the judgement of harsh characters,

In your bitter sweet reality.

Don’t stop writing.

 

I was anxious- part 18-evicted

My heads scatty, my brain hurts. Some days I struggle waking up today was one of those days. 

My wellbeing advisor tells me to go away and organise myself, but things keep getting in the way.

I am so thankful for the true friends, I have around me and I am thankful for being a mum. I am blessed, I am fortunate, I have a roof over my head and sometimes that is always scary. I don’t know how long it will be like that.

This time last year I was evicted, randomly, no notice nothing, came out of nowhere and I have told so many of you this story, it affected me and my family a huge deal.

We wasn’t bad tenants, we didn’t do anything honest to god. Most people assume you can only be evicted if you’ve shit up the walls or not paid the rent.

It was my daughters 8th birthday and I had been out of hospital for 4 weeks. I had an 8 week old baby and the tosser turned up out of nowhere, by contract he had to. He stormed in went under the stairs and said that he needs to make sure a live wire in the garden is turned off. Oh boy, I was mad, I didn’t even shout, I said you need to get an electrician and I want it off, I can’t believe it.

We had been in the house precisely 6 months, the children had been in the garden with this said wire. We had a lot of trouble problems and as a family we deserved time to heal and overcome the trumas we had just gone through. Funnily enough our tenancy was rolling the next day. The landlord left and said nothing, then returned again without notice an hour later.

TRUST ME you could not make this story up and even to this day I wish I went to his work and threw eggs at his window, but a petty revenge conviction is not worth it. I am ok to think it an enjoy the thought though, right?

So he returned and got the live wire disconnected, he had made a huge error. He put us at risk he violated the contract, we would have had grounds to sue, but I opened my big gob and told him to sort it. However I would rather that then let the kids continue to play in the garden, except we wasn’t going to have a garden for much longer.

The next day he posted and eviction notice with a receipt stapled from 2012 of some paint.

Basically threatening us to paint the whole house which was cream or he would take money from our deposit.

So not only was he making us homeless, he was forcing us to paint when it didn’t even need painting to be honest.

Baby, surgery, birthday, evicted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was depressed-Part 16- Bulb

Bulb hangs from ceiling, cars swish in the puddles passing by the house. Bulb thin shadow then wide, dull light sits on the bed from whatever sun we have left now, bottom sheet due a change, there’s no one other than me that lays so it’s ok.

I watched this video on Facebook about meditation by Russell Brand. I remember laughing at it with you next to me and saying he should have stuck to his job as a comedian.

Bulb, off. Bulb swirly pattern at the end no shade around it, it’s bare cord just seems to have the bulb fitted in tightly at the end.

Bulb, wait I can’t see it, your body is on top of me.

Move out of the way so I can see. Eyes mimic nose points, body parts we take for granted we have to look at these parts of people everyday.

Move out of the way I’m trying to look at the bulb.

Bulb white, dusty cobwebs, flashbacks like holograms. Your body is on top of me. What do you want now for goodness sake I am trying to focus.

Bulb holes in the bottom then scope up inside it. I’m paranoid I know I hear what your saying but what if that’s just a voice in my head, what if your just in my imagination.

Your body thrust me up and down I stare at the bulb it’s waiting it wants to be turned on.

I curl into a ball, small, safe, warm away from November rain.

Child you don’t need to be worried, because you was right.

All them days crying about losing people and being told it’s going to be ok. Told over and over that I never have to do anything that I don’t want to do, I can say ‘no’ if I want to.

Was bullshit.

I was anxious-Part 13- I don’t hate Mondays

It’s a typical rainy cold Monday in November. The roads are manic and the streets are full of students, mothers with prams and rain covers, shopping bags attached to prams bashing and bumping about. The homeless man on the corner of Newland sat with bin bags protecting him from the rain.

The bus was really hectic today people coughing and spluttering and they where wiping there hands all over the handles of the chairs, damn it, would someone please attach hand sanitation to this place?

The last thing I want is to catch another bug or illness, I am now playing catch up at uni and its really stressful.

Last month they gave me morphine at hospital for stomach upset, you wouldn’t know because you wasn’t there, my god I wish someone I knew was there with me. I was in a very terrible pity party situation. So much had been happening in such a short space of time. It was really hard to catch my breath, the panic attacks where back again.

That was my breaking point, that was my fall, I was so close to just begging them to take me in. I wasn’t coping I wasn’t myself. And my stomach was huting so much it reminded me of the surgery the urgency I was in back then.

My puke was bright blue from the scan they did to check my organs. Thankfully it wasn’t an ectopic pregnancy, or twisted ovary like they suspected. He said he was sure, he thought, he said, it was 50/50, could be my appendix or my ovary.

They where wrong.

It was nothing and i’m fine.

Thankfully.

Doesn’t explain the pain though.

I am so thankful that my best friend that I actually met via the internet on Instagram was on the other end of the internet that evening. She sent her friend to come and sit with me and that was amazing, at last I wasn’t alone I had someone to talk to, and that we did. We spoke about so many things, whilst I waited 7 hours in the corridor double bent over or sat in the wheel chair.

There was a couple. They was really kind to me amazing. Strange but they was lovely. They had a busy, and different kind of life to the norm. Or maybe it was the norm and mine was just significantly different.

They came into A and E because he was walking down to his local offie (off-licence) then he had a huge cough and WHAM he was in so much pain down his right side he was struggling to move. He was in agony. I mean they did talk a lot about wanting to get home and have a spliff and a drink which was a little awkward. They have family that own a fair ground ride at Hull Fair and he let his kids go on and his kids friends on for free.

They really made my evening, and you wasn’t there. It was just another example of how I could survive without you.

I started to feel this way when I left home.

Similar but different.

I remember when I was able to boil pasta and cook something other than a pot noodle and beans on toast at 16. I taught myself and that was really pretty lonely to be honest. I defiantly want to add that to my mothering skills. 1. Make sure I teach the children how to cook.
I had been crying for so long I got myself in such a state, no friends where around to help no one was able to see me for whatever reasons. Maybe I make it hard for people to see me and communicate, maybe I don’t even know that I do this.

Just promise me you wont return anytime soon because I am starting to enjoy life without you. Even though you have destroyed what confidence I built up with my girlfriends over the summer, I am actually quite enjoying looking at people and thinking about them. What did they get up to this morning? was they squashed between an old man and a pram and some shopping bags, or where they sat in a comfy white car with you that smelt of stale piss.

I think I had actually made a friend at University, at last. But I better not let them get too close, or they will find out how much of an anxious freak I am.

My life is changing and adapting and almost better than it was. There is just this one thing.

A cycle of something I really don’t want to be in.

But for now, I don’t hate Mondays.

I was anxious part 12 part 2 : I’m here for you.

My counsellor often told me to find peace with the unknown.

But, I always struggled with this concept.

Finding peace with not knowing, and not having the answers to questions, was hard.

Especially the ones I had swimming in my head over and over.

Sometimes it took over my life and stopped me worrying about the moments that I was living in.

Sometimes by the time I stopped worrying about the unknowns, I had missed out on so much time, that was really in reality, nice. Potentially even could have been happy.

If someone text me saying that they wanted to have sex with me whilst thier girlfriend was away on holiday.

That would be clear to most people that it means that person is using the other person to cheat. Get pleassure for themselves, selfish and greedy.

The only person that would get hurt is me.

But to me it made me wonder if there was a deeper meaning, did that person miss me? Did they care about me? Could I see this person and not sleep with them just talk to them? Was it even about sex or a cry for help?

(I wish you didnt use me like that you knew I would decline (different you) please read other parts to this series to understand the ‘yous’.)

Further, made me think about all the crap I’d been through. I could almost construct a guide on how to love someone, how to be kind, how to treat someone like a fucking human. We could all do with one about how to end a relationship and not be a c*nt about it.

When you’ve been in a similar place you may find yourself questioning everything. Even things that didnt need questioning. People said to me it was naivety, lack of understanding. I think it’s a matter of perspective, a different viewpoint. Perhaps, I just refuse to let go of the thought that there is good in people.

Some have souls so powerful but confidence so low they cant break the cycle.

The goodness in people can change lives of many. But we all lose a little bit of hope as we get older.

It’s hard to stay open minded and possitive when life is cruel to you in so many ways.

Grieving in our culture is so difficult and a hard emotion to process, we dont hear it enough that it is ok to cry, ok to reach out, it’s ok to shout and scream. We bottle it up, we vanish, we never talk about it, we treat it as if it never happend or it happend but its not worth ‘worrying about’.

Well yes it is worth worrying about, it will happend to all of us. It’s worth making sure we all feel ok about discussing things with one another. I always try to think of it this way, life should always be celebrated.

Its fucking horrible when you lose someone in an unimaginable way, but you have to carry on living and live with thier thought in mind sometimes. Would they want you to stop being successful and happy? No. Would they want you to be miserable and broken for the rest of your life? No.

I mean if we lived forever then people wouldn’t make effort and it would be a pretty boring life. It matters because your voice is worthy, hell your life is precious, your precious. You deserve to be loved and deserve to be happy.

Its easy to find peace with things like this in time. But finding peace with someone who leaves your life and is still able to tell you what they think and feel and dont, is challenging.

Treating it the same will help?

Would you want me to feel immensely distraught and break down?

Would you want me to not be successful and happy? I don’t know

But I need move forward and find peace with something.

I was anxious – Part 11 – Defence (warning upsetting content)

I was at court that morning to get my little girl home, she was a train journey away from me. I was only 17 and I was going out of my mind, I was losing weight, I couldn’t eat.

Constantly worried about her and what was going on when I wasn’t there. He was only supposed to have her a weekend but he got angry lost control and didn’t return her for a week, didn’t text me to tell me what was happening. I had no choice but to call the police and find out what I could do, this man had been mentally abusing me since I was 15 and attacking me, shoving me, showing me his fist, throughout the whole pregnancy and relationship. It was bad, really bad.

I had no one on my side, my mum didn’t believe me my own father had abandoned me, everyone would say its nothing or think I was making it up. I had one friend when I was pregnant who I don’t talk to now haven’t for 7 years, saw how he was first hand. She was a local hairdresser, it was one of the only places I could go to. I was controlled a great deal and I started to talk about the truths behind closed doors with her, he hated that, I had a friend to slowly confine in and slowly stopped me seeing her too.

I remember when I said I didn’t agree with something and he threatened to put my head through a car window. He said if he even caught me having a cig he would force a full packet down my throat and make me swallow them. I remember him saying one time I needed to be awake when he returned home because he would need sex. There where so many strange remarks and things said but at first never seemed as bad or dangerous.

It wasn’t until 2015 that controlling and coercive behaviour became a new law. Unfortunatly, I was in 2012 and mental abuse in relationships wasn’t really as recognised as it is today.

You never climb into a taxi thinking you will get attacked or mugged, you assume you will be safe. Just the same as you never enter a relationship thinking you will be hurt, and I don’t care what anyone says, mental abuse is extremely damaging.

Not something you can completely erase from your memory.

People assumed because I was young, and had a child, I was stupid. In fact I was the one who seeked a solicitor in the first place to arrange contact arrangements, as I couldn’t cope with doing them on my own without the support and structure. I was studying Law as an A Level and I was learning a huge deal about family law, my teacher happened to be an ex lawyer and would guide me in the right direction if I needed any answers.

My solicitor was sloppy, and the case was terrible. In the end it was the, social services and police that supported me and made sure that things where as safe and normal as possible.

She came back home safe, it was hard to think I let her go. As a mother I have a duty to ensure she is always safe always clean, fed, happy healthy.

Times where hard I was young, college student trying to better my life, yet, the state made it harder for me to do this, and simply designed it in a way where it was difficult to come away from it. There is still little support for parents who study, young people from my experience.

I enjoyed being a single parent at that point, it was fun and although I had the critisims daily and the bad mouthing the horrible comments.

As I have got older it’s just made me think that those people where so bitter and twisted and how sad of a world it is for them, that that’s how they thought and acted.

Judgments from people who had no idea the journey I had gone through or anything at all about me.

I was just automatically brushed as a slut for having her at a young age.

I didn’t think that years and years later I would get these terrible flashbacks, of being pushed onto the mattress on the floor whilst 5 months pregnant.

Pushed and shoved up against walls, if I fell asleep even towards the end of the pregnancy, he would force me awake, he didn’t like me asleep.

There are things I have seen and I have felt and places I have been in situations I have been in I wouldn’t wish my worst enemy to be in.

The further away I got from these bad places I felt as if I had been reborn and given a new life.

I was anxious – part 9- Hornsea

I sat for some time whilst you went off to the toilet. Watching the children run up and down splashing in the sea pretending to be mermaids, picking up giant rocks and bringing them to me like absolute nutters almost landing them on their toes.

So much laughter, so much sun and so much happiness, it felt as if I was overdosing and inside a film I wasn’t supposed to be inside of.

We decided to take the children to Hornsea. You’ve always been a good friend like that, thinking about me and the children. I’d listen to you talk about your woes and you’d listen to mine about Faff and Davum the others. University concerns family dramas.

He was at work and I was sending him pictures of me at the seaside, a rare occasion of smiles. My best pal was also at work and I sent pictures across to her, would have been nice if everyone could have been there but I appreciate times where hard and more complex and complicated.

I sat watching the waves ush over my mind, I was in disbelief I’d made it out of Hull at last, after almost 7 years I hadn’t seen the seaside.

I knew I hadn’t lost my love for it because I instantly felt goosebumps all over my arms and legs as soon as the sand brushed against my toes.

The children where laughing and even though we was still in the UK that didn’t matter I could have been on sandy beaches abroad and I would have felt just as happy.

This was a strange moment for me it showed me that depression can leave you alone to enjoy life. I was anxious thinking about the long journey home, returning to mayhem and madness. It also made me realise that I didn’t have to be with you to feel the joys that I had been feeling. Perhaps this was reassurance on my clingy displays of past relationships, learning I don’t have to be utterly dependant on someone. But it was too late.

You kept me company wherever I was I was looking forward to coming back and telling you all about my day.

My friend had some dates lined up and was starting to feel better. I expressed concerns and worries and he went over them with me and he was reassuring me saying “yes” and “no” and well “maybe”, “that’s good” and that was helping me round up all my choices and giving me the best advice a friend possibly could.

Things looked up and I saw the best in you, all the good, all the excitement of a new life happening again.

I could live and die in those moment’s over and over just to learn how to keep hold of heaven, the ones where people got on with one another and I had friends around me cheering me on being by my side. Such good friends I could never lose.

I knew once I started these new journeys that the reality of things would slowly start to show.

That feeling when you feel like things are too good to be true. The worst feeling that an anxious person could ever, ever feel.

A phrase that takes the enjoyment of swimming around inside ones head.

It’s not possible, impossible, unbelievable.

I’m not good enough for these good things, happy starts, friends someone that’s telling me that they are in love with me.

I Thankyou for that day helping me come to terms with a great deal I had been through.

Depression was slipping away and anxiety not being as bad as it was.