micropoetry

Ginger biscuit (change perception)

You took me to that cheap all day breakfast cafe.

I had a good cry and

we had a good laugh,

yey,

You looked at me for some time,

I thought you was admiring….

That’s the part where my big head came in, you said there was a hair at the end of my

chin,

Great.

So i pulled it off,

And as embarrassed as I was,

it was simply gone.

…..

We went inside and had a drink,

A cuppa for both,

we asked po-lite-ly,

And an all day breakfast for 2,

“Yes please”

I hoped all these secrets you was sharing with me,

Would be kept close and contained in a locked necklace to

keep.

You told everyone you hated sweet things,

Yes, I repeat,

You told everyone else you didnt

like sweet.

Savory and salt brushed

along

those

swedish

cheeks. a ginger nut biscuit laid on the plate beneath the tea cup,

You picked it up,

And said…

“I havent had one of these in some time,

so I’m going to show you,

I will give it a try”

And to your lips it touched,

and a bite you took.

I remember it clear,

it felt quite sincere,

that your own phrases and words that youd been saying,

unravelled, unscrabbled,

And it turned out you

liked it…..

It may not mean much anymore but,

It was interestingly

simple and

delightful of course,

And to see someone

so happy and content in the moment,

Felt like a

ginger

biscuit

meant more than it meant.

And maybe it’s just lifes simpliest ways,

That it’s ok to let go and its ok to stay…

And they say people and things dont ever change,

But you bit into the biscuit and

loved the

lasting

taste….

You said you didnt like

sweet things,

people said,

other things,

But a ginger biscuit,

Changed all living perceptions,

Shook up the world in different dimensions,

And even you

was

surprised

by your own reaction!

Perhaps a ginger biscuit will provide all some satisfaction….

Where I’ve been

Where I’ve been.

Not many people even know.

Not even friends I talk to.

If they are even friends at all.

Where I have been.

I’ve been on the dock near Humber street,

Staring at the floating feet,

That used to belong to me and him,

Footsie under the table by the bin,

I stare in the water it holds me in,

My gaze it stares it grabs me quick,

His property not far from here,

Another person washed his hands of me, I’m not very good at acting as an enemy.

Where I’ve been I’d like to know,

Sometimes I just walk anywhere you know,

The industrial estate sometimes,

Perhaps the park, I’m warned I’m told that it’s scary dark.

But the most place that I’ve been,

Where I’ve stared and felt and seen,

Is near the corner of the Humber street,

Looking in the water.

We walked up there, you showed me all of your new adventure, we walked around the corner, we walked up there, you washed your hands of me, you rid me, you lied, you used, you cheated me , you scar me , you scabbed me, you left me, beat my body, my body bruised, bloodied, dying you used,

you used me by lying.

Not even I know where I’ve been,

all I say is I’ve been near that stream,

near the river in Hull near the docks,

in hope the cold airy frost will clear the knots,

I don’t even control where I am, my mind it leads and drags my hand,

my brain the navigator, to the sea and water…….

F

Do you remember the fall?

I’ve seen it all,

I’ve seen you,

Putting my makeup on and you stand around me.

Tell me you think I’m pretty without it and theres no need.

Glancing up at the bathroom mirror.

And I see you stand there.

You remember the fall?

It was harder than the autumn.

Harsher than the winter

Do you remember falling ?

Intoxicated no heels to be ahead of,

Pulling scruffs of little pieces of fluff from the arm of your tops, from the knots in the trousers.

Passing the mints across from my lips to your mouth in a kiss that was supposed to be a peck but turned into a snog.

Appreciating every crease and crinkle running my finger along them all.

Till night bed comes and we fall.

Do you remember it at all?

Do you remember the fall?

Do you remember the fall?

I notice that it’s too late and time has been a part of reassurance for you. I realise that maybe your face it changed and I took a piece for you. Perhaps just like you I think its fate and it’s taken a toll.

Let them hear me screaming nonsense, let them search and guess, leave them clueless.

Fall,

Permanent

Let me give you, a perfect reminder of why your worth every second and every moment.

See, your scars are stars around here, your harms are open arms around here. We will listen.

You deserve every drop of water, every breath of air.

You deserve love and affection and care.

You deserved to feel loved not compared.

You are the world.

No matter how long it takes your strength will grow.

You will find a way, you know. You know.

Let this be a permanent reminder,that YOU are worthy of life.

Even if it means you got to take tiny steps each day, at a time.

The world is yours, the world is you, not the other way around. You own noone nothing.

Somewhere around here you will discover your crown, even if you’ve been knocked down.

Your hurt, your warn, it’s cool.

Your smile will return soon.

When ever you are ready to show.

Be proud.

Even if you feel buried in sound.

Your feeling distraught, it’s allowed.

This is a permanent reminder.

That YOU are worthy of life.

Dream

I hate my dreams

They wake me up

They give me shock

And shake me up

My dreams are playing memories

Casting on a wall for all to see

I hate my dreams, they wake me up

They stick in my mind for ages.

Theres too many things unresolved and it sucks.

I wish I didnt have to face it.

I see a bird.

I see a bird
She
says no word
She
stands alone
She
Hops along

I see a bird
She
Has blue feathers
She
Is in the sunrise
She
Hops onto the side

I see a bird
She
opens her wings
she
only has one wing
she
can’t get in
she
tries to fly
she
could almost die
she is just a bird.

I see a stranger
She
Comes to get the bird
She
takes her home
She
Is gone for long:

I see a bird
She
Is in a pear tree
She
Has a song
She
Sings along
She

I see a bird
she
Spreads her wings
she
Has blue tips
She
Jumps along.

I see a bird
She
goes off and flys
She
Didn’t die
She
Is alive.

Rainbow fuel

Hope

Grows amongst the ivory

Snaking up the walls

Hope

hides in dandelions

Under spider crawls

Hidden in the pumpkin patches

Beneath the conker tree

Laying beneath the palm

of the frozen leaves

Fogs, inside the air, of a warm breath on winter’s eve

Sparkles in the star light

The underbelly of the city

The cat eyes on the motorway

Lolly lick and popsicle stick

Candy floss and green gray moss.

A mixture of impurities

Hope lays hidden inside of these

Unexpected

Under the muck in your nails

Under the slugs and the snails

Puddles of rain water and fuel combine an illusion of rainbows…

I was anxious-Part 23- theres always rain after a storm.

For the best part things seemed to be bubbling over for me mentally.

In reflection Summer greated us with tremendous thunder storms. I remember you texting me one evening when you went round the corner to play warhammer games with a friend.

The lightening was so bright and the thunder was a beautiful drumming sound echoing throughout the night.

Perhaps there where no faults lying anywhere, perhaps this was a huge mistake and you wished you hadn’t have met me.

There are so many things I wont ever know, things I wont understand and probably more incidents like this to come.

I told you I sensed rain fall, I bought a new coat incase.

Then 1 month of rain in 24 hours fell, leading to flooding in Doncaster and Wales.

I met you, greated you with a rainbow, stunning summer ray’s, then a storm and now the rain.

I have to deal with things, I’m not sure how long it will take for me to repair things caused by excessive rainfall, such as the tears and hurt and upset.

As for the people coping with the actual flooding I really do hope the rain stops.

Too much rain on both terms is bad for anyone.

I’ve been so low, I have been bed bound with tonsillitis and fever 3 nights. 3rd outbreak this year.

There is no chance hearing from you, and I suppose that’s fine. I feel so much better being able to talk to someone the readers, and comments from them. People are kind in unfamiliar ways.

Maybe this wasn’t a summer love story like most people like and hope. But yet another challenge for my mental health and self esteem to overcome.

I was anxious part 22 Spiders night club.

It was Sunday and I was about to wake up and recover from a pretty heavy hangover.

I hadn’t stayed out at anyones house since I was 19.

I wasn’t about to make a habit either, I couldn’t tell if you was embarrassed that I stayed or just drunk. This is the part where things seemed ok but got a bit awkward.

We was sat in the night club and I was on your knee with your arms wrapped around me. Beams of lights flashed all around, up and down, side to side. Music played and people spoke really loud.

You was patient with me, you knew I was far too upset to talk. You brushed my tears aside and said ‘oh Lil’ and said that it was upsetting to see me so upset. You didn’t get impatient with me and shout. I honestly thought you loved me cared about me.

I felt like the devil had grabbed my ankles, swung me backwards and dragged me under.

I couldn’t contain my emotions. With you, I felt safe. Constant worry was taking over, the dreaded what ifs and the thoughts I had before I met you was still haunting me.

I remember when I was at college sitting in front of my counsellor , we was speaking about alcohol, as a mood intensifier and revealer. That night the mask had fallen and everyone saw me as a state.

You may have passed it off as being drunk but this is how I felt on a regular basis this was the me you didn’t learn to understand or want to know.

We walked over to the bar and got some water, then went outside into the smokers area where we met another of your friends. He was quite drunk, loud, rude. Come Monday you even agreed with me what he said was a bit much but you never followed it up.

He was saying “Lilly has big titties and likes lots of willy’s” I just thought it was a strange thing to say to someones new girlfriend.

We had a look for your friends that was staying over and you said that I was ok if I stayed as I really wasn’t feeling very well and I didn’t want to go back home on my own.

You handed my some Star Wars pjs insisted I put them on I took the offer on the top but the bottoms where double of my legs. It was cute and strange, most men would have wanted me to strip off would have tried something on but you was different. You respected me and it was a great deal to get used to. I remember drifting off shortly after that listening to people in the living room talk.

Come morning you offered to make people a cup of tea but it had seemed that the milk in the fridge had gone off.

Your friend took me home, asked if I wanted to sit on a carseat first and then dropped off. Another dig at my age and height.

That was the end of the night.

I was anxious- Part 3-Part 5-Part 22- Spiders Nightclub.

You was different.

You held me really tight you let me cry and didnt judge me you waited until my storm had passed, we went to a corner of the nightclub that wasn’t as busy you had your arms around me and you sat me down next to you and held me.

Since you left, I’ve been in that storm for so long rocking along up and down in a boat.

You might think that saying this doesn’t change anything.

Your right, but this is all part of the story and this is all important because you showed me that a man is capable of being understanding.

That maybe I am capable of being loved and cared for.

… tbc

Monday 11th November 2019

I was anxious-part 21- I had something to tell you

You called me your ex’s name:

There was something wrong.

Very wrong.

I tried a few times to bring it up.

I thought you’d be the one to help me.

How stupid, I am so stupid. I shouldn’t have ever let you in.

Perhaps there was no talking because when you called me your ex’s name I got straight into the shower and cried.

Embarrassing ?

I am not ashamed to share, I am not ashamed to show two halves of the story.

Perhaps I was overreacting.

Except, I needed more sympathy the night before. With feeling unwell.

You didn’t know this because I never told you.

I helped you out when you was unwell, I understood it maybe it was because it was physical symptoms, cold flu, man flu, people can see it, understand it more.

The night before

I didn’t feel like eating and you was really hungry, you felt like you put your time in there was nothing you was doing right at all.

Perhaps, it felt you was stuck in a limbo situation, and I wasn’t reacting the way you thought I should be reacting.

You could have just called a pizza and made me laugh cheered me up. I guess I felt unwell and all I could think was soup. Sleep.

You didn’t factor in the sleepless nights overwhelming crying from children that made me even more anxious.

I know, I hate soup so boring right?

There was that time we was walking towards wings and I had the perfect opportunity to tell you then but it was supposed to be a fun night for you and I didn’t want to ruin another night.

I didn’t want to take off or anything or vanish. It killed me that I walked away.

I was running out of time and I knew it.

You was supposed to stay out late and be with them, you showed up earlier than planned.

I could have told you then.

Maybe I was planting seeds but I never wanted them to grow.

The spiders evening I could have told you then but I just cried and cried.

The time we stood in the hall way, the time I walked over to the house, the time I went into your work, the time I broke down at my friends house and you walked me back.

Now it’s too late.

I was anxious – part 20- The first time we met

It was a summers evening this year, my best friend knew how down I had been and she had been amazing support, incredible.

It felt like ‘a need’ to fall in love and be around people who are kind, positive, full of enlightenment and desire. We was sick of men pulling the wool over our eyes, treating us like daft cows.

We are strong women we’ve been through different things but could relate.

I suggested maybe a double date or something if anyone knew anyone who was single. Just wanted to have fun and relax. I had been through a really awful time. I wasn’t looking for sex or hook ups, I really just wanted to meet people and be around friends.

Luckily, my friends knew someone and they knew them well and said I shouldn’t worry because you was really kind and nice person and would never hurt anyone.

There was a day planned and organised for drinks at your place. I was anxious because I was moving home and I didn’t want to get drunk and hungover. I had no baby sitters able to help out and the ones who could, could only help for a couple of hours.

Not really a long time when you want to get to know people.

You opened the door and greeted us in, I didnt make too much effort with dressing up or anything, I couldn’t as all my clothes where in boxes and being moved.

I regretted not putting my heels on because you was pretty tall and I’m like a midget next to almost every adult and even 8 year old children are catching up with my height.

People laugh about this but it kind of gets a bit boring after years and years.

It was small, and I wont lie it looked lonely. Perhaps adjustments have been made since you cut me off, I guess I won’t really know and I guess I won’t really care.

Eventually.

You poured us all a drink in a mug, as you didnt have glasses. I remember you saying you dont get people round much and needed glasses, you was apologising but we really didn’t mind.

This was exciting and exciting for you.

Everyone deserves to have friends and people around them that care about them and visits them.

I told you alot about myself we spoke a lot about politics, little things and fairly serious stuff. It was nice, you listened to me you wasn’t shouting at me, calling me names, threatening me or abusing me.

The night was short and you guys went off to spider’s. We walked towards the nightclub you gave me your hoodie, and slipped a tenner into my hand for a taxi home.

You wanted to make sure I got back safe. Mentally I felt safer being out and with you guys. Going back was just a duty a responsibility, my heart wanted to stay. Stress.

My friend said that you didn’t stay out long because you told them you had already met someone that night and was no need to go into the night club looking for someone.

You then told me for months that you was so happy that I turned up that evening, after I told you I was close to not turning up because I was anxious.

You also kept saying you owed your friend drinks for life, because he introduced me to you and you hadn’t felt as happy as you did in a very long time.

You occasionally reminded me of that night and that you was is disbelief.

Perhaps I should have noticed sooner, remember me mentioning the too good to be true saying?

Now, all I have a deafening silencing ringin in my ears, and a stone in the pit of my stomach grinding up against my skin.

I feel like I’ve been in a car that was speeding but all the time it was going slow, and then suddenly smacks straight into a tree.

I’m sore, hurt, but on the inside.

On the outside, I look amazing.