Reblog

I was anxious- part 25 – I gave you back your clothes.

It was Thursday and you was at work. I was in town going to primark, on my own. I was wearing my yellow coat, hair pinned, makeup on. I wasn’t going to let what brought me down stop me taking care of myself.

Plus if you see me looking fine then it’s all fine.

You had been avoiding me and you vanished.

You left some clothes at mine I offered to help clean and dry because you dont have a working washing machine.

You didn’t bother to collect them.

Pretty sloppy really.

You was like oh right “hi” and “thankyou” you then followed me out of the door and said “so, you got any plans then” you nearly got me teared up I mean you fucking vanished POOF and then your asking me if I had plans.

“No. Not really.”

“You not seeing your friend”

“No not heard off them”

“Oh right”

“Not got uni?”

I just said I was going and said bye, you was stood leaning on the door. It was like some stupidly soppy romance film that had gone terribly wrong.

It was a haunting moment. You actually looked sad.

The next week I realised you left your charger. I mean you said it’s fine keep it but I really didn’t want any pieces of you left behind. How is it fair that I have to live with reminders but you can go about your daily life not giving a shit.

I went through town after counselling to return it.

I was stood for a little bit and I sort of thought you knew I was there but ignored me.

I said I will leave it on the till then.

You just said ‘ok thanks then Lil’ and sat back down. You had grown a massive beard.

I haven’t been back since haven’t even walked in that area. The thought of it makes me want to be sick.

You had a carseat and I said I was in no rush. Since what fecking use of it is to me when I have no car.

I said leave it at our friends I will get it at some point. It ended up with a friend of a friend. I actually thought you’d bring it back after the party.

You was in a rush you wanted me out as much as I wanted you out. Maybe?

Party.

It was it was our friends birthday party and I said I wasn’t sure at first if I should go but you said it would be ok maybe awkward at first.

I wasnt planning on staying long I had a gift and needed to drop it off.

Then I realised a whole conversation was happening without me behind closed doors.

That was low.

So, I wasn’t allowed to go to the party in the end.

& that was that, everything had been returned to where it should have been at least in smaller areas.

I was anxious-part 19-It was Friday

It was Friday and you had been let down again from seeing the girls.

We managed to get over most of the hurdles we faced during the middle.

We spoke a bit more and we was on a good page with one another.

I wanted to surprise you treat you.

We was both wearing jumpers that looked the same which made me giggle, we was alike and it was nice.

I like being around people who are alike and can relate.

You had no idea but I wanted to get out of the house, things where getting you down and I could tell.

So we went out for dinner and I bought you whatever you fancied.

You was telling me about the foods you liked and enjoyed and said you would show me how to cook them and could make my own versions I wanted to make, for what I was able to eat.

Fridays where strange you finished earlier on a Friday then what you would on a Wednesday and Thursday.

You would remind me this every week.

I tried to cheer you up help you understand that it probably isn’t personal at all and you kept telling me how worried you was that maybe the kids wouldnt want to know you the older they became.

I said that wouldn’t be likely and that kids that age like seeing their friends and not hanging out with their parents.

It meant alot to you and I respected that and you agreed to just try and keep communicating.

You was proud that you was able to maintain a mutural set up with you ex said that you knew that to some people would think that was really weird but I didnt think that.

Not when kids are involved and if it was ended on a basis where you both came to agreements with things then that’s really positive and I think that if people can put their differences aside it makes it easier for everyone.

Life is too short to be arguing all the time and making things difficult for one another.

Why was I any different?

I was the meaningless jigsaw piece.

Maybe it was because we wasn’t talking for a massive amount of time but it felt like I had known you for years. I felt like we just clicked, I couldn’t have imagined anything like this ever happening.

At the very worst I would have thought we would have been friends.

The further I come from this, the more time alone I have, the less it feels like that was even my life.

Its strange it feels now like a wandering dream.

Unreal.

People keep bringing up your name and I really don’t know what to say, there are so many things that I don’t know.

I hold my hands up and I apologise, I ask what it was that I did and you never reply. 

People say that, that’s because you don’t want to know and the quicker I notice this the easier and better the outcome will be for me.

Maybe something awful happened maybe something happened that you cant tell me about, maybe the truth is you are back with your ex and that’s why you said that people thought it was weird.

Maybe someone said something about me or maybe someone said that I said something about you.

Maybe your sick, or maybe my reaction to you calling me your ex’s name really did piss you off.

Maybe the poem following that pissed you off, maybe you thought some poems I shared where about you.

I’m not sure. I’m not certain.

As I said before in the other parts we never had a row, we didn’t have an argument and it was all left on a really bizzare note.

It was Tuesday and you came over after work you was a bit grumpy as was I and I felt really off unwell, it wasn’t you I was just tired from the school runs after school and starting university.

Maybe you felt that because I was at University that we had different paths, but really that wasn’t your choice to make.

You made choices that week that I didn’t understand and choices I made you didn’t understand.

It was Wednesday and you offered to help with the school runs it was fine. But then that’s when you called me your ex’s name.

Nothing was said about it in the moment. I was in shock because it was a little bit random and first thing, but I just said I needed to think about it I never said I was angry.

I said I needed some space and maybe see you at the weekend since you work late on Wednesdays and Thursdays.

To you this was overreacting, to me it was having time to think about it.

For both of us.

It was Thursday and I hadn’t really heard from you from the Wednesday morning, you used to ask if you could call me, you would text me every 8am saying hey with a waving emoji and say good morning.

All of this was dissolving. 

I needed to do something in town and you work in  town and I thought it would have been nice to say hello and surprise you.

You didn’t like this you didn’t let me in and you  told me there and then abruptly that you did not like surprises.

I couldn’t look at you.

I felt like there was something you was hiding not telling me and I was getting worried.

I really didn’t think that it was worth being this big a deal and wanted to resolve things.

People may think otherwise but honestly all I ever do is to try and resolve things, it makes it easier and better for everyone.

You was cold.

I had never seen you behave so cold.

Ever.

Saturday came and it was the first ever Saturday I had had without the kids since moving in and it was a great chance to talk and try and resolve things.

You finshed work at 5pm on a Saturday but for whatever reason you chose to stay on and not speak to me until half 7 almost 8.

You couldn’t look at me you was just looking at the floor and having cig after cig.

Saying words and not finishing the sentences.

I had seen this look before on my children when they knew they had done something wrong but there wasn’t really anything that big.

I didn’t want you to feel bad.

I just was confused.

You looked so pale and unwell it was unsettling.

You was saying words like ‘look’ and ‘and..’ ‘maybe’ and not really saying much at all, whilst the steam from your cup of tea was floating off into the garden.

I asked you if you didn’t want to talk or see me anymore, and you said ‘oh no of course not its not that’ and then started talking about having a sched.

You said that you wasn’t happy with my reaction in the week and I upset you  coming too see you before work. I apologised.

Next thing we went to the bar where you had first come to see me after a poetry night that had finished.

It made me think so much that in the beginning  you did the exact same thing to me you came to see me with no notice, you contacted me and came round and you was persuing me.

I did not act the way that you was.

It didn’t stop you continuing the night and continuing to have drinks with me and a laugh and tell me how nice I looked and how lucky you thought you was.

It didn’t stop you taking me across the road into another bar and continue to talk to me for another 3 hours.

We was in Pave and we spoke about your parents your family.

We spoke about your experiance at university.

We spoke about christmas and we spoke about what your family may have thought about us talking and you was happy and you said that they would be happy and it would have been nice for me to meet them.

You told me in such great detail about the things that you had been though.

We then spoke about filming and films you had been involved in making and ones that you wanted to do.

I told you about the book that I was writing and you told me about what you was writing and that you seeing me write made you want to grow that passion again. 

Your phone died and you kept hinting.

I didnt know what you was on about.

You went off to the toilet and I glared down at my phone and saw the message.

YOU said that you was having such an amazing night.

Last orders.

Sainsbury’s was shut  and its never shut so we went to the garage because we wanted more cigs.

I hadn’t really eaten much so I got drunk a little bit easier than normal.

…..

We got back to mine and I put some music on I said that we never got chance to dance at spiders that night and maybe we should try it again sometime.

I may have been drunk but I remember everything.

You didn’t want to talk you was all affectionate.

Sunday.

You took me to F&B we had a meal and it was a rip off, I did try and pre-warn you but it felt like you wanted to treat me or spend time with me maybe.

We was umming and arring about what we should do as we was hanging a little bit from the pub drinking.

It was 3pm and you was grumpy tired and you started to stop looking at me again. I felt unhappy even though it had been so nice talking and everything.

It was 3pm and you started going on about needing to use the laundrette and that you needed to go home and get some sleep so I said sure whatever it takes for you to go and be ok.

My feelings was never considered in your scenarios, you went home and you didn’t message me.

It was Monday and I didn’t hear anything, you didn’t mention the weekend and you didn’t ask if I was ok.

It was Tuesday and I just started saying to friends that I think its done because I hadn’t had  converstaion with you.

It was Wednesday and you said that you could come over after work to talk but it would have been late and I had a massive stone inside my stomach that was stopping me from eating thinking and sleeping. I didn’t want to accept that maybe you had used me over the weekend.

It was Thursday and people started asking questions and asking if I was sure and I didnt know what to tell anyone.

It was Friday.

It was Saturday

Sunday

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

It was Friday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was anxious-Part 13- I don’t hate Mondays

It’s a typical rainy cold Monday in November. The roads are manic and the streets are full of students, mothers with prams and rain covers, shopping bags attached to prams bashing and bumping about. The homeless man on the corner of Newland sat with bin bags protecting him from the rain.

The bus was really hectic today people coughing and spluttering and they where wiping there hands all over the handles of the chairs, damn it, would someone please attach hand sanitation to this place?

The last thing I want is to catch another bug or illness, I am now playing catch up at uni and its really stressful.

Last month they gave me morphine at hospital for stomach upset, you wouldn’t know because you wasn’t there, my god I wish someone I knew was there with me. I was in a very terrible pity party situation. So much had been happening in such a short space of time. It was really hard to catch my breath, the panic attacks where back again.

That was my breaking point, that was my fall, I was so close to just begging them to take me in. I wasn’t coping I wasn’t myself. And my stomach was huting so much it reminded me of the surgery the urgency I was in back then.

My puke was bright blue from the scan they did to check my organs. Thankfully it wasn’t an ectopic pregnancy, or twisted ovary like they suspected. He said he was sure, he thought, he said, it was 50/50, could be my appendix or my ovary.

They where wrong.

It was nothing and i’m fine.

Thankfully.

Doesn’t explain the pain though.

I am so thankful that my best friend that I actually met via the internet on Instagram was on the other end of the internet that evening. She sent her friend to come and sit with me and that was amazing, at last I wasn’t alone I had someone to talk to, and that we did. We spoke about so many things, whilst I waited 7 hours in the corridor double bent over or sat in the wheel chair.

There was a couple. They was really kind to me amazing. Strange but they was lovely. They had a busy, and different kind of life to the norm. Or maybe it was the norm and mine was just significantly different.

They came into A and E because he was walking down to his local offie (off-licence) then he had a huge cough and WHAM he was in so much pain down his right side he was struggling to move. He was in agony. I mean they did talk a lot about wanting to get home and have a spliff and a drink which was a little awkward. They have family that own a fair ground ride at Hull Fair and he let his kids go on and his kids friends on for free.

They really made my evening, and you wasn’t there. It was just another example of how I could survive without you.

I started to feel this way when I left home.

Similar but different.

I remember when I was able to boil pasta and cook something other than a pot noodle and beans on toast at 16. I taught myself and that was really pretty lonely to be honest. I defiantly want to add that to my mothering skills. 1. Make sure I teach the children how to cook.
I had been crying for so long I got myself in such a state, no friends where around to help no one was able to see me for whatever reasons. Maybe I make it hard for people to see me and communicate, maybe I don’t even know that I do this.

Just promise me you wont return anytime soon because I am starting to enjoy life without you. Even though you have destroyed what confidence I built up with my girlfriends over the summer, I am actually quite enjoying looking at people and thinking about them. What did they get up to this morning? was they squashed between an old man and a pram and some shopping bags, or where they sat in a comfy white car with you that smelt of stale piss.

I think I had actually made a friend at University, at last. But I better not let them get too close, or they will find out how much of an anxious freak I am.

My life is changing and adapting and almost better than it was. There is just this one thing.

A cycle of something I really don’t want to be in.

But for now, I don’t hate Mondays.

I was anxious – part 6 I’m sorry

So, I can’t remember precisely how many days have gone. Weeks have passed, maybe it’s not that many.

Almost 2 months maybe, time became less important it just happened I know I don’t have control over it so it just carry’s on happening.

It’s almost Halloween and I even ordered a stupid corset, incase we all did go out as a group, it arrived a month ago, I havent even tried it on, I didn’t see the point. I haven’t bothered with decorations baking this year, because I just feel as though my spirits have been dropped.

So much so I don’t think I will even bother buying Christmas decorations I don’t have a tree or anything it was left behind in the house I left. I know I know it’s for the kids.

I’ve moved 3 times this year it’s been difficult. So when you mentioned looking for a bigger house it threw me off. Another grand gesture, I got my head round it then in the last week or so you sort of just slowly stopped talking to me and that’s the point where we are at.

My mum believes there’s no reasoning to it, that your a coward and perhaps it’s because you wasn’t interested after all.

I think there’s more to it but maybe that’s because I partly blame myself for most things.

It probably didn’t help that I deleted you but my logic was it would trigger you to call me or something.

Nothing happened, I have sent messages but you just ignore me. I know your around because of the other things that happened shortly after and you was talking to my friend. But why couldn’t you talk to me?

My theory is your scared, don’t give a fuck, couldn’t careless, there’s another woman involved, you moved on immediately or I imagined the whole thing.

The thing is the truth always comes out, always and everyone is a liar.

You may not be surprised to learn but I am. I was going into this with my head straight. Why I asked questions like what we wanted, and little bits of future. I didn’t think you was a liar and I still dont think you are but I have nothing nothing at all to believe otherwise.

That’s why I’m stuck. Completely stuck. I keep moving forward but you hold me back unintentionally, with out knowing.

We had more good days then bad infact we only had one bad day , ok maybe two. But bad days are bound to happen. I was prepared to make things work I was prepared, I listened, I was there.

But there was something else?

Or someone else?

I’m sorry

I was anxious- part 5 continued

So we got to the part where we was in the nightclub.

I was balling my eyes out I needed you close and next to me and you allowed yourself to be close and next to me. You didnt shout at me or have ago, or tell me to stop crying, you didnt get embarrassed by me. These were all actions I wasn’t used to.

You held me really tight you let me cry and didnt judge me you waited until my storm had passed, we went to a corner of the nightclub that wasn’t as busy you had your arms around me and you sat me down next to you and held me.

Since you left, I’ve been in that storm for so long rocking along up and down in a boat.

You might think that saying this doesn’t change anything. Your right, but this is all part of the story and this is all important because you showed me that a man is capable of being understanding. That maybe I am capable of being loved and cared for.

… tbc

Flowers

I walked back home,

And it was cold that afternoon,

Been raining since the AM,

Couldn’t really afford a cab,

Your driving around was really handy, 

But you know its been kind of hard since you left, see,

To see you standing there,

Before you vanished like a puff of air,

Your face all graced with love and care,

Feeling your warmth grow closer,

That was something I never thought I’d see,

My work might as well be dumped in the bin,

Because all I do is keep on struggling,

I accepted that you will,

Continue to treat me like I was never there.

And I try to continue like nothing happend.

Oh a world where you learn to be adult,

Making habits of being fucked,

And accepting pain when it all fucks up.

 

 

you never shared those snap shots

you never shared those snap shots

of us standing in the park

my face hidden by the restaurant menu

and kisses after dark

you never shared the footage

of when we went to the sea

one after another

you took snap shots of me

sitting in the deck chairs

our friend ordered

not for free

and that cow in the arcade

sort of broke down such a good day

it broke my heart i knew it was a start of a drift

but you found me eventually and you said non of this would effect us

snap shots taken

kept on your phone storage

you didn’t share

snap shots taken moving pictures with the air…

when will you decide to delete them? you dont care…

 

anxiety my chains

Anxiety my chains
.
I’m shy,
but not really,
smile,
but I’m                  secrectly,
crying.
I’m laughing!
silent,
but I’m chatting!
.
I’m shy,
but not really.
I’m cold,
and im needy.
the
attention
you
give
me
smokes
like
fire
in my belly.
and im ready,
when your ready…
slow  ,
but I’m steady,
quick,
and on edge,
anxiety.
my chains
just want to feel,’normal’ again.
.

belongs to me

belongs to me
.
my body,
is for my enjoyment,
every strap,
every lace,
every mark,
beauty spot,
it belongs to me.
my body is,
MY temple,
and I will not give you one piece!
if I choose to share with you,
then you,
shall respect it,
as if it is your own,
it is not for you to comment,
I will not be objectified,
sexualised,
or demonised,
I do things for my own satisfaction,
no man, No other,
not for their joy,
entertainment,
my body it belongs to me.

i’d give love, for arms

right now
I’d do anything
I’d give my self away
just to be heard again

right now
I’d do anything.
I’d steal
I’d beg
I’d plead
just to get this one thing that I need.

right now
I’d be more than happy
to offer, all my life
for love it has no price
not just a sacrifice
leave a sour taste for afterlife
and I know its not much in return
and I don’t think I will ever learn
but I would give my whole
pour all my heart and soul…

I’d give love,
just for your arms.

gone

it’s really starting to hit home
that your gone.. and I’m alone
and I hate this selfish feeling for need,
its unsettling me,
that your gone,
and the memories…
all muddled into one,
become fog,
like we never ever met,
seems wrong,
I hate it,
its horrible,
we can’t and dont talk,
and I go around in circles in my head all day,
telling myself all the bad,
making it sound good.

To the friends at jobcenter; please get a waiting room for families and children.

In February/ March time I was rocky on my feet and needed to start up a new life and new claim , and carry on my journey to attempting to revisit my degree which I hope to be doing later this year. It was 30mph record winds and I had arrived early at the centre with my 7 month old daughter and 3 year old son. He was cold and shivering so I went inside the job center only to be told to get out and that I’m not allowed to stand inside and that they took away the waiting room. So this is a poem based on a bad time, and a stinky attitude.
*
You can kick me out on my arse,
Make a deal,
Make a farce,
Make me look like I’m a mess!
A waste of space, a waste of breath,
You can chuck me out on my arse!
You can make me look like I’m useless,
But take it out on my kids,
My Baines,
You’ll see a woman, that you’ve made,
I scrape and scrimp, I raise and wimp,
A generation for the next tax profiting chimps,
You think I’m dumb,
No, I’ve had enough,
Now get a waiting room made for us!
Make us stand in freezing cold,
To sign on for money that I have been told,
I must claim whilst I’m on a break,
I’m sick,
Disabled,
Just child birthed,
And if you haven’t heard,
Marriage is dying off!
Men seem to get off lightly?
And this is what disturbs me slightly!
That you can,
You can kick me out on my arse!
Make a deal,
Make a farce,
Make me look like I’m a mess!
A waste of space, a waste of breath,
You can chuck me out on my arse,
You can make me look like I’m a waste,
But take it out on my kids!
My Baines ,
You’ll see a woman that you’ve made…