when will you

when will you realise
that I’m only here
by your side
drowning inside your lies
burry me deep in your eyes
when will you open your mind
see im sat
I’m by your side
treat me like a piece of dirt
rub my face in shit
until I’m hurt
why is it not enough
that
I’m around you
and I sell my love
why is it not good enough
that
the things I continue to put up
all the damage that you do
why do you keep putting me through?
when will you be a friend?
when will you be a friend?
when will you be
a
friend.

Advertisements

utterly devoted

Utterly devoted
and
paranoidly overwhelmed
that there is nothing better
ever better
something
somewhere
in this world.

utterly devoted
slaving
in worship over you.

digging bigger holes
landing me in limbo
catch 22

utterly devoted
obsessed
head mess
digressing, bed sweating.
over you.

I know its taking over,
but my thoughts are warmer,
when I think of you.
I am and as I stand utterly devoted.

i’d give love, for arms

right now
I’d do anything
I’d give my self away
just to be heard again

right now
I’d do anything.
I’d steal
I’d beg
I’d plead
just to get this one thing that I need.

right now
I’d be more than happy
to offer, all my life
for love it has no price
not just a sacrifice
leave a sour taste for afterlife
and I know its not much in return
and I don’t think I will ever learn
but I would give my whole
pour all my heart and soul…

I’d give love,
just for your arms.

gone

it’s really starting to hit home
that your gone.. and I’m alone
and I hate this selfish feeling for need,
its unsettling me,
that your gone,
and the memories…
all muddled into one,
become fog,
like we never ever met,
seems wrong,
I hate it,
its horrible,
we can’t and dont talk,
and I go around in circles in my head all day,
telling myself all the bad,
making it sound good.

Denial

No one

And nothing ,

Is perfect …

Nothing,

And no one and

Not even my own mum ,

Is perfect …

Even my own reflection,

Isn’t perfect, but

When I see you,

And I feel your presence,

It’s

Perfect.

And I know,

In the end,

If you work it,

It would be worth it,

We, would be, worth it.

It would be perfect.

Warm body

I want to leap into a story of unknown,
I want to dance with a Merry man not his ghost,
I’m tired of holding on to this body,
Yeah this corpse,
I’ve had it hidden, in multi-storeys, for so long ,
And under the table lays the floor boards,
Unscathed but warm, 
Im trying to be a better person but I’m torn, 
I hope he forgives me for being absent but still holding on, 
I try to keep it private I don’t want many people to know, 
But here he sits with me at the end of the table eating dinner, 
like I don’t need nothing more, 
crack the bottle pass it over 
he gave it a pour, 
He thought it was over never over here we mourn, 
And I gathered all his belongings left them with him, as I held his fingers and closed the dustbin, 
Rubber gloves and rubber ducks from washing up the dirty shower floor, 
I want to leap into a realm a story of unknown, 
I want to dance with a Merry man and not his ghost, 
Yeah I’m tired of holding on to his body his corpse, 
I had it hidden, in multi-stories, of this house,
for 
so 
long.

The Cage (adult short story)

Adult short story based on an experience.
By Lilyth Coglan
WordPress: lettersyoullneversee2019.com

My eyes were slowly starting to open, and I thought maybe I had made it back home. Why was it still dark? and where was I? My head felt like it was internally bruised. I could only just lift it up off the floor, it felt heavy.
I began to gather myself and I could see that I was inside something? A boot of a car? No. Someone’s house, I don’t think so. I used my arms to slowly lift myself off the floor, there was a dim flicker of light. I feel like I have been carried and put here as my legs feel so weak and I’m tired. I’m not sure what to think, it’s been a long night, week in fact. But now, I’m starting to panic.
My feet are bare, but I still have my black dress on that I bought with my best friend on my 19th birthday. It has thin straps over the shoulder and comes just before the knee. I seemed to have one strap snapped dangling on to my back. I could see that my nails are still painted in glossy red, some chipping on my thumb and middle finger. I can sense a strong smell of perfume, vodka and red bull and passive cigarette smoke.
Where am I? What is this place, is it some sick prank that I’ve been dragged into, literally dragged?
With the flickering of yellow light, I could see my heels in the distance just lying there, bundled together. Shadow lines where falling on to me as I began to regain consciousness some more, I could see that I seemed to be in a jail? or a cell?
Maybe there was a fight and I got pulled into it.
I’m innocent!
I could feel my heart racing and my hands beginning to shake. I’m standing up now and I can see that I am surrounded by metal poles, all lined together. I think I am stood in a shape, I’m walking up towards the bars around me. I’m in a square sort of shape.
“Hello! Help! Help! Anyone here?”
My voice, not even echoing. I shout louder.
“Help me! Help!”
I can’t see anything else in the room, no windows, no doors and worst of all no people. I sat back down along the bars and trying to think hard about what’s happening.
I seem to be sat inside a cage.
*
The room’s still dark, I’ve been sat here for maybe 10 minutes, thinking. The night began early like many, we had alco’ pops at home in the flat. It’s a nightmare flat. The neighbours above have been throwing needles out on the garden floor, it’s a shared garden, but that’s not the kind of sharing I want to be doing. I hate that place, but this place I’m in right now doesn’t seem to be much better.
There’s no one here, I’m going to waste my breath.
“Hello! Hello! HELLO!”
I must have been pretty wasted, I can still taste this fresh taste of acidic burning in my tummy. I am starting to feel grateful for the things I have out of this cage. Wow, this is a lot of deep thoughts in the space. I must have had my phone on me at some point, but I can’t remember having a bag, I remember Katie and I messaging each other throughout the night. I just started to think about all my family and friends especially my best friend Katie if I’m here then, where is she? have they got her too? I am so confused I just want to get out, I can feel myself feeling more and more squashed the longer I’m in here and I feel like crying isn’t going to help either.
I gave up on the only exit I could see and started to walk around the cage and see if I could see anything significant.
A flickering of pasty yellow light kept coming and going. Like a light in a hall of a big house that needs changing and is about to blow. It feels like it’s the only thing keeping me sane right now.
I came up with an idea to reach my shoes through the bars, maybe the pointy heel part could help me jab the lock open, I tried with huge efforts to slide my slim arms through the gaps in the railings.
Eventually I decided to call a defeat. I’m stuck alone and clearly no one can hear me.
*
I feel like there’s an out of body of me somewhere else dragging my soul along, perhaps I’m just dreaming. All these thoughts just keep flooding into my head over and over. I curled into a ball and tried to go to sleep. I clenched my eyes shut tightly, but I just couldn’t drift. I wished I was anywhere else but here right now. It reminded me of that scene in Peter Pan where in his hand there is a fairy laid there lifeless, and he chants “I do believe in fairies, I do, I do” and just like that she slowly comes back to life.
There is hope.
For some reason I couldn’t fall asleep and then suddenly, I found myself drift into a heavy deep dream. Friends, the night club, music, dancing. A man whose face I know so well and perhaps even falling for. I kept crossing him on the way out to the smokers’ yard. He was wearing a shirt, looked smart to be honest. He’d been talking to me for some while, I think he fancied me. Katie kept telling me to stay away and I didn’t really know why, she always jokes that she has this sixth sense of being able to tell what people are thinking and what they are doing.
On the 4th time of bumping into him as the night progressed, his collar was covered in makeup smudges and lipstick kisses. Even on his face, I was livid, and I don’t really know why I was to be honest. Maybe because I felt a little led on, and if a girl got that close then he was quite obviously flirting.
‘what’s this!?’ I giggled and hiccupped pulling at his shirt. He just laughed and walked back off into the nightclub. S
Then out of nowhere a bright light beamed on my face. Feeling sad and upset, like the party had suddenly turned for the worst. Why is that my last memories? Is it telling me something?
I opened one eye slowly under this bright light, and then the other. The silence was quickly broken by loud people talking and laughing, arguing and throwing up. I was slumped on the floor sat against a window, crowded with people, loud rowdy drunk people. Could see legs, lots of legs all stood around me. Smell horrible greasy chip fat and burnt pizza cheese.
I tried to hold my gaze long enough but with a huge gasp of air I was sent back spiralling and before I knew it back inside the cage. This time stood up, perfect order, no rips, bruises my shoes dangling in my hands knocking gently together, no horrible after taste of cheap welly vodka and red bull. I felt as if I had just begun the night again. The cage seemed different now. There’s no pitch-black darkness, or a small shadow of flickering light. The room is square and painted white. I still see no exit and no windows.
“Hello, is anyone here?”
I shouted louder.
A force pushed me backwards, I tripped and fell onto the floor banging my head against the bars of the cage. Only to wake up again in what seemed to be the take away.
“what the fuck are you doing?”
A familiar sweet calming voice..
Beside me that same scent, feeling, force of attraction. Hang on, its him the same guy from the club. The same guy that’s been talking to me for almost a year.
“I said what the fuck are you doing?”
I have no idea why she kept saying this, and I don’t think she was saying it to me.
My eyes closed again I really needed to open them, but I just didn’t have the strength. My body paralysed. I have no control over it. I know I have drunk a fair bit, but I have never ended up quite this way. I remember Katie bringing me double vodka cokes, downing sambuca shots. Surely, I haven’t been spiked?
He was leaning on to me close, I managed to turn my head and look at his face. Everything felt like it was in slow motion.
I’ve become unconscious again.
*
I’m stood standing in my underwear, my arms wrapped around my body. This time I seem to be standing inside the cage. The room is spinning lights are flashing, words showing up across the walls in red paint,
‘SLAG, WHORE, FAKE, USER, SEX, SLAG, WHORE, USER, SEX, FAKE’
“Get me out!” I scream “Get me out, I want to leave!” black mascara tears ran down my foundation face. Skin coloured drops dripped on to the collar of my dress.
Running to the bars, I pushed them and pulled them, tried to stretch them open.
“Let me out, let me out now”
Then bam! I was slumped up against the takeaway window. The guy next to me, the guy from the club, the guy I had been texting for almost a year. I could smell his cologne along with sweat from dancing, I didn’t care. I had wanted to be around him for some time. He seemed right, it seemed right.
“What the fuck are you doing?”
That voice again, Katie my beautiful friend. Oh, how relieved I was to hear her sweet Yorkshire accent. My stomach was rough, and I was starting to feel queasy, legs like lead. Then a faint weight was sitting, landed upon my right leg, on the inner thigh. Reaching in further, it was his hand going up my dress.
“I said what the fuck are you doing”
Katie grabbed the guys arm and pulled it off my skin. I stood up with shock, staring into the man’s eyes. I thought maybe one day he was going to be my boyfriend.
Chunks of pizza and chips was thrown across the takeaway floor and pavement.
He smirked, holding his arms out to the side of his hips “I’m not doing anything…”
Katie quickly stood up still in her heels, and what seemed to be in her right hand my shoes and phone. In her left hand a bag of food from the takeaway. She came towards me and lead me out the door to leave. I looked at her, with relief and shock.
“That was scary…”

What kind of poet are you ?

He asked me
Half heartedly
“What kind of poet are you?”
You said you didn’t really read,
But I smiled when I saw that you watched tv with the subs,
“What kind of poet are you?”
A question no one really was too interested to ask,
You don’t ever judge me,
Just look,
Watch me rambling on as ever,
‘Why can’t we just be together?’
In that moment It seemed perfect,
That was then and this is now,
Whilst I thought about what kind
Of poet I am,
I realised I don’t have to be a type,
You seemed to have taken an interest,
That made me hopeful,
A hopefully romantically lost poet I was,
You left me in an ally way in the dead of night,
Now a dangerous poet I am.

To the friends at jobcenter; please get a waiting room for families and children.

In February/ March time I was rocky on my feet and needed to start up a new life and new claim , and carry on my journey to attempting to revisit my degree which I hope to be doing later this year. It was 30mph record winds and I had arrived early at the centre with my 7 month old daughter and 3 year old son. He was cold and shivering so I went inside the job center only to be told to get out and that I’m not allowed to stand inside and that they took away the waiting room. So this is a poem based on a bad time, and a stinky attitude.
*
You can kick me out on my arse,
Make a deal,
Make a farce,
Make me look like I’m a mess!
A waste of space, a waste of breath,
You can chuck me out on my arse!
You can make me look like I’m useless,
But take it out on my kids,
My Baines,
You’ll see a woman, that you’ve made,
I scrape and scrimp, I raise and wimp,
A generation for the next tax profiting chimps,
You think I’m dumb,
No, I’ve had enough,
Now get a waiting room made for us!
Make us stand in freezing cold,
To sign on for money that I have been told,
I must claim whilst I’m on a break,
I’m sick,
Disabled,
Just child birthed,
And if you haven’t heard,
Marriage is dying off!
Men seem to get off lightly?
And this is what disturbs me slightly!
That you can,
You can kick me out on my arse!
Make a deal,
Make a farce,
Make me look like I’m a mess!
A waste of space, a waste of breath,
You can chuck me out on my arse,
You can make me look like I’m a waste,
But take it out on my kids!
My Baines ,
You’ll see a woman that you’ve made…

I’ll get you through

She held my hair softly,
Straightens at the ready,
It will be ok,
Everything will be fine!
Laugh a smile.

I will get you through.
I got you.

She peered over the garden wall,
Brew to hand never cold,
It will be ok,
Everything will be fine!
Laugh a smile.

I will get you through,
I got you.

She recieved my text essay,
Oh how my life has started to get messy,
She might be far, but always there,
Don’t worry,
Everything will be ok,
Everything will be fine.

Text a smile.

I will get you through.
I got you.