Rubber ball

I should probably go out

But I don’t feel there’s anywhere to go

That I belong

And I did this once or twice before

Then I had people knocking at the door

All I’d give is to be alone

But at the same time to be at the other end of your phone

Just so I could see if you see all my replies

Or ignore me and pump me up with lies

My body bursts and aches from your deceit

Should I at last hold up my hands in defeat

My body it weeps

Blown away by the cold air not long ago

I take each day more vitamins than you know

And why do I keep fighting

When I don’t know what I’m fighting for

You mention my health but you really don’t see

This is now pain you’ve inflicted on me

It makes no sense

No sense at all

Im done fed up of being your rubber ball.

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I was anxious- part 25 – I gave you back your clothes.

It was Thursday and you was at work. I was in town going to primark, on my own. I was wearing my yellow coat, hair pinned, makeup on. I wasn’t going to let what brought me down stop me taking care of myself.

Plus if you see me looking fine then it’s all fine.

You had been avoiding me and you vanished.

You left some clothes at mine I offered to help clean and dry because you dont have a working washing machine.

You didn’t bother to collect them.

Pretty sloppy really.

You was like oh right “hi” and “thankyou” you then followed me out of the door and said “so, you got any plans then” you nearly got me teared up I mean you fucking vanished POOF and then your asking me if I had plans.

“No. Not really.”

“You not seeing your friend”

“No not heard off them”

“Oh right”

“Not got uni?”

I just said I was going and said bye, you was stood leaning on the door. It was like some stupidly soppy romance film that had gone terribly wrong.

It was a haunting moment. You actually looked sad.

The next week I realised you left your charger. I mean you said it’s fine keep it but I really didn’t want any pieces of you left behind. How is it fair that I have to live with reminders but you can go about your daily life not giving a shit.

I went through town after counselling to return it.

I was stood for a little bit and I sort of thought you knew I was there but ignored me.

I said I will leave it on the till then.

You just said ‘ok thanks then Lil’ and sat back down. You had grown a massive beard.

I haven’t been back since haven’t even walked in that area. The thought of it makes me want to be sick.

You had a carseat and I said I was in no rush. Since what fecking use of it is to me when I have no car.

I said leave it at our friends I will get it at some point. It ended up with a friend of a friend. I actually thought you’d bring it back after the party.

You was in a rush you wanted me out as much as I wanted you out. Maybe?

Party.

It was it was our friends birthday party and I said I wasn’t sure at first if I should go but you said it would be ok maybe awkward at first.

I wasnt planning on staying long I had a gift and needed to drop it off.

Then I realised a whole conversation was happening without me behind closed doors.

That was low.

So, I wasn’t allowed to go to the party in the end.

& that was that, everything had been returned to where it should have been at least in smaller areas.

I was anxious-part 19-It was Friday

It was Friday and you had been let down again from seeing the girls.

We managed to get over most of the hurdles we faced during the middle.

We spoke a bit more and we was on a good page with one another.

I wanted to surprise you treat you.

We was both wearing jumpers that looked the same which made me giggle, we was alike and it was nice.

I like being around people who are alike and can relate.

You had no idea but I wanted to get out of the house, things where getting you down and I could tell.

So we went out for dinner and I bought you whatever you fancied.

You was telling me about the foods you liked and enjoyed and said you would show me how to cook them and could make my own versions I wanted to make, for what I was able to eat.

Fridays where strange you finished earlier on a Friday then what you would on a Wednesday and Thursday.

You would remind me this every week.

I tried to cheer you up help you understand that it probably isn’t personal at all and you kept telling me how worried you was that maybe the kids wouldnt want to know you the older they became.

I said that wouldn’t be likely and that kids that age like seeing their friends and not hanging out with their parents.

It meant alot to you and I respected that and you agreed to just try and keep communicating.

You was proud that you was able to maintain a mutural set up with you ex said that you knew that to some people would think that was really weird but I didnt think that.

Not when kids are involved and if it was ended on a basis where you both came to agreements with things then that’s really positive and I think that if people can put their differences aside it makes it easier for everyone.

Life is too short to be arguing all the time and making things difficult for one another.

Why was I any different?

I was the meaningless jigsaw piece.

Maybe it was because we wasn’t talking for a massive amount of time but it felt like I had known you for years. I felt like we just clicked, I couldn’t have imagined anything like this ever happening.

At the very worst I would have thought we would have been friends.

The further I come from this, the more time alone I have, the less it feels like that was even my life.

Its strange it feels now like a wandering dream.

Unreal.

People keep bringing up your name and I really don’t know what to say, there are so many things that I don’t know.

I hold my hands up and I apologise, I ask what it was that I did and you never reply. 

People say that, that’s because you don’t want to know and the quicker I notice this the easier and better the outcome will be for me.

Maybe something awful happened maybe something happened that you cant tell me about, maybe the truth is you are back with your ex and that’s why you said that people thought it was weird.

Maybe someone said something about me or maybe someone said that I said something about you.

Maybe your sick, or maybe my reaction to you calling me your ex’s name really did piss you off.

Maybe the poem following that pissed you off, maybe you thought some poems I shared where about you.

I’m not sure. I’m not certain.

As I said before in the other parts we never had a row, we didn’t have an argument and it was all left on a really bizzare note.

It was Tuesday and you came over after work you was a bit grumpy as was I and I felt really off unwell, it wasn’t you I was just tired from the school runs after school and starting university.

Maybe you felt that because I was at University that we had different paths, but really that wasn’t your choice to make.

You made choices that week that I didn’t understand and choices I made you didn’t understand.

It was Wednesday and you offered to help with the school runs it was fine. But then that’s when you called me your ex’s name.

Nothing was said about it in the moment. I was in shock because it was a little bit random and first thing, but I just said I needed to think about it I never said I was angry.

I said I needed some space and maybe see you at the weekend since you work late on Wednesdays and Thursdays.

To you this was overreacting, to me it was having time to think about it.

For both of us.

It was Thursday and I hadn’t really heard from you from the Wednesday morning, you used to ask if you could call me, you would text me every 8am saying hey with a waving emoji and say good morning.

All of this was dissolving. 

I needed to do something in town and you work in  town and I thought it would have been nice to say hello and surprise you.

You didn’t like this you didn’t let me in and you  told me there and then abruptly that you did not like surprises.

I couldn’t look at you.

I felt like there was something you was hiding not telling me and I was getting worried.

I really didn’t think that it was worth being this big a deal and wanted to resolve things.

People may think otherwise but honestly all I ever do is to try and resolve things, it makes it easier and better for everyone.

You was cold.

I had never seen you behave so cold.

Ever.

Saturday came and it was the first ever Saturday I had had without the kids since moving in and it was a great chance to talk and try and resolve things.

You finshed work at 5pm on a Saturday but for whatever reason you chose to stay on and not speak to me until half 7 almost 8.

You couldn’t look at me you was just looking at the floor and having cig after cig.

Saying words and not finishing the sentences.

I had seen this look before on my children when they knew they had done something wrong but there wasn’t really anything that big.

I didn’t want you to feel bad.

I just was confused.

You looked so pale and unwell it was unsettling.

You was saying words like ‘look’ and ‘and..’ ‘maybe’ and not really saying much at all, whilst the steam from your cup of tea was floating off into the garden.

I asked you if you didn’t want to talk or see me anymore, and you said ‘oh no of course not its not that’ and then started talking about having a sched.

You said that you wasn’t happy with my reaction in the week and I upset you  coming too see you before work. I apologised.

Next thing we went to the bar where you had first come to see me after a poetry night that had finished.

It made me think so much that in the beginning  you did the exact same thing to me you came to see me with no notice, you contacted me and came round and you was persuing me.

I did not act the way that you was.

It didn’t stop you continuing the night and continuing to have drinks with me and a laugh and tell me how nice I looked and how lucky you thought you was.

It didn’t stop you taking me across the road into another bar and continue to talk to me for another 3 hours.

We was in Pave and we spoke about your parents your family.

We spoke about your experiance at university.

We spoke about christmas and we spoke about what your family may have thought about us talking and you was happy and you said that they would be happy and it would have been nice for me to meet them.

You told me in such great detail about the things that you had been though.

We then spoke about filming and films you had been involved in making and ones that you wanted to do.

I told you about the book that I was writing and you told me about what you was writing and that you seeing me write made you want to grow that passion again. 

Your phone died and you kept hinting.

I didnt know what you was on about.

You went off to the toilet and I glared down at my phone and saw the message.

YOU said that you was having such an amazing night.

Last orders.

Sainsbury’s was shut  and its never shut so we went to the garage because we wanted more cigs.

I hadn’t really eaten much so I got drunk a little bit easier than normal.

…..

We got back to mine and I put some music on I said that we never got chance to dance at spiders that night and maybe we should try it again sometime.

I may have been drunk but I remember everything.

You didn’t want to talk you was all affectionate.

Sunday.

You took me to F&B we had a meal and it was a rip off, I did try and pre-warn you but it felt like you wanted to treat me or spend time with me maybe.

We was umming and arring about what we should do as we was hanging a little bit from the pub drinking.

It was 3pm and you was grumpy tired and you started to stop looking at me again. I felt unhappy even though it had been so nice talking and everything.

It was 3pm and you started going on about needing to use the laundrette and that you needed to go home and get some sleep so I said sure whatever it takes for you to go and be ok.

My feelings was never considered in your scenarios, you went home and you didn’t message me.

It was Monday and I didn’t hear anything, you didn’t mention the weekend and you didn’t ask if I was ok.

It was Tuesday and I just started saying to friends that I think its done because I hadn’t had  converstaion with you.

It was Wednesday and you said that you could come over after work to talk but it would have been late and I had a massive stone inside my stomach that was stopping me from eating thinking and sleeping. I didn’t want to accept that maybe you had used me over the weekend.

It was Thursday and people started asking questions and asking if I was sure and I didnt know what to tell anyone.

It was Friday.

It was Saturday

Sunday

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

It was Friday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I got all the answers I need

This is it,

there is no us,

no then, no now

this is it,

I’ve been ignoring myself for too long,

for so long,

I have all the answers I need,

I can go on along as I please.

Time to take care of me,

this is it there is no we.

Just I.

I got all the answers I need.

I was anxious – part 6 I’m sorry

So, I can’t remember precisely how many days have gone. Weeks have passed, maybe it’s not that many.

Almost 2 months maybe, time became less important it just happened I know I don’t have control over it so it just carry’s on happening.

It’s almost Halloween and I even ordered a stupid corset, incase we all did go out as a group, it arrived a month ago, I havent even tried it on, I didn’t see the point. I haven’t bothered with decorations baking this year, because I just feel as though my spirits have been dropped.

So much so I don’t think I will even bother buying Christmas decorations I don’t have a tree or anything it was left behind in the house I left. I know I know it’s for the kids.

I’ve moved 3 times this year it’s been difficult. So when you mentioned looking for a bigger house it threw me off. Another grand gesture, I got my head round it then in the last week or so you sort of just slowly stopped talking to me and that’s the point where we are at.

My mum believes there’s no reasoning to it, that your a coward and perhaps it’s because you wasn’t interested after all.

I think there’s more to it but maybe that’s because I partly blame myself for most things.

It probably didn’t help that I deleted you but my logic was it would trigger you to call me or something.

Nothing happened, I have sent messages but you just ignore me. I know your around because of the other things that happened shortly after and you was talking to my friend. But why couldn’t you talk to me?

My theory is your scared, don’t give a fuck, couldn’t careless, there’s another woman involved, you moved on immediately or I imagined the whole thing.

The thing is the truth always comes out, always and everyone is a liar.

You may not be surprised to learn but I am. I was going into this with my head straight. Why I asked questions like what we wanted, and little bits of future. I didn’t think you was a liar and I still dont think you are but I have nothing nothing at all to believe otherwise.

That’s why I’m stuck. Completely stuck. I keep moving forward but you hold me back unintentionally, with out knowing.

We had more good days then bad infact we only had one bad day , ok maybe two. But bad days are bound to happen. I was prepared to make things work I was prepared, I listened, I was there.

But there was something else?

Or someone else?

I’m sorry

I was anxious

I was really anxious, scared. I hadn’t made effort like this in years . I hadn’t ever been on a date ever, not a one to one, face to face, you sit in front of me and I sit in front of you.

It was very personal, and it was hard to make eye contact. I’d never been to this side of town never been able to afford it, it was as if the world wanted us there that evening. It was quiet, calm beautiful summers night, and if that wasn’t a recipe to fall in love, then I was under the wrong illusion.

Birds flocked off into the evening sunset. Even the church bells rang, perhaps it seemed I was more focused on the surround and not you but that really wasn’t the case. I knew this was me being put on the spot and I knew this moment that I was enjoying so much was about to end as the night went on.

I’d been having writers block, but now I’d fallen back in love with the world, thanks to you.

I watched your hands for the first part tapping on the table pushing the box of cigarettes,not completely to me, but enough to suggest an offer. I felt your eyes on my face but was to shy to look up.

You knew I wasn’t a heavy smoker, or really a smoker but I liked a cig.

We spoke about abandonment the time you went on holiday and was let down by a friend , laughed at how long ago it was because of our ages.

You wanted to move on, I liked the sound of the bells, although I kept telling you it was strange and annoying, I was actually fairly comfortable.

We moved on to another pub nestled in between buildings , private, small , cute , quiet and beautiful. I appreciate architecture and outdoor space, we sat down outside and it was nice. Even if others described it as a dive or something, it didn’t bother me.

You stopped me and you said before passing me my drink, I really need to tell you something. My heart started spinning and I thought I got rid of my anxiety but it slowly started to come back, I thought shit he’s going to say he loves me or something, nah not yet surely, and I’m not thinking that already? Am I?

“You really need to tell me something?”

“I wanted to say it now incase I get drunk and you think I’m just saying it because I’m drunk. You look really beautiful your gorgeous”

Oh my god, I smacked my lips right on your lips and kissed you so hard so you knew how much I liked you.

That’s what I should have done, but I didnt I blushed and said thank you very much and I really appreciate being taken out and spending time with you.

I fucked up didn’t I, I was so anxious for a long time I didn’t even get chance to tell you half the things that was going on.

See I may have never been on a date before, but I’d been round plenty of men, boys , dickheads, users, bastards to know when people pull a stunt. You wasn’t pulling a stunt you was being normal, friendly, a gentleman.

This time I wanted something real, meaningful and you was just, I mean I know no ones perfect but a least those moments made it feel as though it was meant to be.

So we was in the pub and we got talking but not much to each other to the girls sat opposite to us, they was tourists, drunk friendly people.

Drank up, pissed about in the street looking for the worlds smallest window and got a taxi back.

I remember punching myself because I still hadn’t kissed you but congratulating myself on having the courage to make it out the front door.

Now both actions I replay in my head 3 months on, did I? Should I? To most of you it’s easy to say get over it , stop going on, stop bringing it up, stop moaning. If you have a friend who suffers or has suffered with anxiety to the extent that I can it really doesn’t help even if you don’t mean to.

I can’t, it happend and I will discuss it because it happend and it happend to me and it was important.

I felt emotions I hadn’t felt since forever, and I mean the good ones.

I was seeing blue in the sky even when there was impetuous rain, I opening mail and dealing with it. I was wearing makeup and enjoying wearing makeup, I was scared, terrified. But on top of the world.

I’m still scared and terrified but at least then it was a nice scared and terrified feeling, now it’s the real deal.

Because the world dealt me a different card really quickly, and the last time I felt this low, I was 21 years old signing my grandad DNR papers with noone else in the room, no one else to lean on and no one else to ask for an opinion.

I was 17 sat in a hostel on a sofa bed on the floor being told to write a letter on the back of recycled paper, to the man who had been abusing me for 2 years telling him why I left.

I was in the playground stood on my own, surrounded by faces I knew (but ignored me) being told on my mobile that my step mum was diagnosed with cancer again, year later she passed away.

I was on the front door step of my home at 16 trying to get back in but the doors had been changed.

I was the 10 year old girl sat on the bedroom floor crying in the corner holding on to a teddy I called ‘dig dog’.

I’m an observer, a listener, I’m quiet, never let on what I’m thinking. Not always. Told to shut up and put up and to not talk about my feelings. But now I am, and that’s pretty fucking powerful.

You said goodbye it was an amazing evening and couldn’t wait to see you next.

Confusing me

My face is a completely different shape,

And I don’t even sound the same,

My hair is brown and hers is black,

Different backgrounds,

I don’t get the same support,

I’m a lone wolf,

Head dragged back,

I’ve been distraught,

Your confusing me…

With her,

You know you could have trusted me my dear,

You didnt ever have to feel in fear,

I’m more understanding then you think,

She wears cotton I wear silk,

I might have skipped on some luxuries,

A life so far on handouts it has been,

But I would never ever expect it to be,

The be all and end all, don’t you see?

Trust me,

Your confusing me,

With someone that exploited your expectations,

Someone who used you as convenience,

We wasn’t agreeing to any distance,

You got freaked out because it meant something,

You told me it was worth it.

Your confusing me with her,

And we don’t even compare.

 

Can you hear me

Tell me this,
Was I worth the shag?
Was I worth the brag?
Was it nice to have a little fun,
Did you enjoy?
Did you like it?
Tell me this,
Does it cross your mind?
Ever,
The harm you’ve dealt?
And harm you’ve caused?
Does it ever play time and time,
Inside your space,
Just because you messed me up internally,
Hidden scars and bruises,
If it was physically,
I’d already be dead,

Because its,
Not the only cliff,
I’ve been mislead,
Was it worth it?
Was it worth your precious time?
You kept harping on not ever having all the time?
Was it worth the look in your eye?
Was it worth the pub drinks in the bar?
The holding of my hand?
The feeling of my arm?
It’s hurting.
Maybe because it really is love this time,
But never is on both sides?
Right?
You might think I’ve gone completly mad,
But,
I know there’s something holding you up,
Or maybe,
You used me?
To see all the wrongs,
To go back and amend the rights,
That’s right?
She said,
He said,
Maybe,
I was just a phase,
For your midlife crisis days…
I know I made you feel something,
Can you hear me?
I’d like to know where the old me might be.

I’d be wrong to let this settle for nothing.

I’d be wrong to not question what’s on coming.

I’ve been searching for clues and you still give me nothing.

 

Your hiding,

hiding,

hiding,

hiding,

hiding.

 

Please just set me free.

Let Me Go

 

you cant act like

you let me go

for love

or because you did’nt think that you was good enough

you cant assume that

because you’ve let me go

that its been for the best

you know

this is not what I asked for

this is not what I wanted or deserved

you’ve got me outnumbered

thrown out in thunder

you

let me go.

let me go.

It’s you.

although we didnt get much time,
I take the honor of knowing,
That in growing,
I spent some time with you,
We wasnt single,
We was joint?
We was something?
And it was an honor…
I will never forget that cheeky grin,
When I held the door and let you in,

I had to throw you out once or twice,

Being late not worth the sacrifice,

I will never forget that surprise you gave me,
When you said you thought you loved me,
I doubt I’ll get over the days,
Where you held me on your knee in a night club spinning,

Sitting outside the pub like we did in the beginning,

If it wasnt love then fuck’ you got me hoaxed, but you still passed me the vodka cokes,

It’s like I didnt need anyone else around me.

Because you gave me everything I need (needed)

I dont think it will get easier,

Time will make things simpler,

You know exactly what this is ,
But I’ll act like its non of my buisness,
You cant stay mad forever ,
Because I put the milk in the tea ,
the bread in the toaster.
Even from the height standing on that step, just to kiss you on your neck,
you thought it was some silly game, but it was fun and you got your way,
Blowing out fags by the back,

Looking serious like theres no turning back,

I doubt I will forget it,
I doubt I will forget that.
We never made it to the other side,
We never made it to the end of the car ride,
I really wanted to be there,

Theres not much around not much here,

It’s scary that the blanks are deadly silent,

And for some time I wanted quiet,

But even this is too much to bare,

I wish things would get easier,

But at least I can say it was an honor….

I carried ‘me’

(sorry this is an angry poem… but the moral is that you have your back no matter what don’t fall on someone else always look after yourself! 🙂

I carried me

I have this
horrible
gut feeling
that something more
is coming
no way did I frighten you?
seriously?
you didn’t seem frightened or terrified when you was trying to put your tongue down my throat
you didn’t seem scared or terrified when you was trying to get me to sleep over
you didn’t seem worried or petrified when I knock on your door
you didn’t seem scared or cared when you offered to take me back home!
I carried me!
I carried me!
you was nowhere to be found
I carried me!
I carried me!
I put my feet back on the ground

I have this horrible gut feeling
that something is about to happen
I want to prevent it but I just can’t seem to handle
you really think I’d make this up and go out all my way
do you really think I believe your shit that you didn’t like me because you thought that you was gay?
burry me in lies and things I would never dream or do
as long as your back is clear for you to carry on and pursue
and if she is non the wiser than fool her and fool you
I carried me!
I carried me!
you was nowhere to be found.
I carried me!
I carried me!
I put my feet back on the ground.
I carried me!
I carried me!
you was up there smoking crap
I carried me!
I carried me!
you took my heart now give it back

benefits mum

hello its me
another benefits mum
another where the fucks my child maintenance?
skint at the end of the week
if i rent a house they need 6 month bank statements
in case i’m dodgy
nothing is private

hello its me
another benefits mum
I’ve had my housing delayed
rent nearly late
I made it
tried to get work
but the childcare cost more than a roof and food combined

Hi its me another benefits mum
apart from i’m always off my bum
i’m walking around these streets day in and out repeatedly
and now i’m
another mum asking another mum for a lump sum
to get some food for the little ones

its me
such a strange life to be
when money is controlling me
trapped in a system
patriarchy
cant break free
politicians put a number on me
like a cow in a field
and the media makes me sound like i am some kind of scum
but its hard i have little ones calling me mum
so i must have a responsibility
but the pressure society puts on me
makes me feel like i cant breathe
people assume its how i want to be
but
i could imagine being anywhere better…..