tears

Daddy I’m sick

Daddy I’m sick

I cry every school night

Kids at school laugh

Talk about it sometimes

I stare at the sharpener

They said kids do it too

They’ve been talking about how to do it

Kids can be cruel

Daddy I’m sick

And you have duty of care

I know you know I’m suffering

I feel like your not there

I stare at the sharpener

It looks back at me too

Daddy I’m sick

Don’t make me go to school

The kids they all laugh

The teachers do to

Daddy I’m sick

And I cant put myself through

Daddy I’m sick

Daddy I’m sick

Daddy I’m sick

Where are you?

I was anxious- part 25 – I gave you back your clothes.

It was Thursday and you was at work. I was in town going to primark, on my own. I was wearing my yellow coat, hair pinned, makeup on. I wasn’t going to let what brought me down stop me taking care of myself.

Plus if you see me looking fine then it’s all fine.

You had been avoiding me and you vanished.

You left some clothes at mine I offered to help clean and dry because you dont have a working washing machine.

You didn’t bother to collect them.

Pretty sloppy really.

You was like oh right “hi” and “thankyou” you then followed me out of the door and said “so, you got any plans then” you nearly got me teared up I mean you fucking vanished POOF and then your asking me if I had plans.

“No. Not really.”

“You not seeing your friend”

“No not heard off them”

“Oh right”

“Not got uni?”

I just said I was going and said bye, you was stood leaning on the door. It was like some stupidly soppy romance film that had gone terribly wrong.

It was a haunting moment. You actually looked sad.

The next week I realised you left your charger. I mean you said it’s fine keep it but I really didn’t want any pieces of you left behind. How is it fair that I have to live with reminders but you can go about your daily life not giving a shit.

I went through town after counselling to return it.

I was stood for a little bit and I sort of thought you knew I was there but ignored me.

I said I will leave it on the till then.

You just said ‘ok thanks then Lil’ and sat back down. You had grown a massive beard.

I haven’t been back since haven’t even walked in that area. The thought of it makes me want to be sick.

You had a carseat and I said I was in no rush. Since what fecking use of it is to me when I have no car.

I said leave it at our friends I will get it at some point. It ended up with a friend of a friend. I actually thought you’d bring it back after the party.

You was in a rush you wanted me out as much as I wanted you out. Maybe?

Party.

It was it was our friends birthday party and I said I wasn’t sure at first if I should go but you said it would be OK maybe awkward at first.

I wasn’t  planning on staying long I had a gift and needed to drop it off.

Then I realized a whole conversation was happening without me behind closed doors.

That was low.

So, I wasn’t allowed to go to the party in the end.

& that was that, everything had been returned to where it should have been at least in smaller areas.

I was anxious – part 24 – the end

You’ll be glad to read that I’m almost at the end of the I was anxious series.

With me you have seen my vision of what I thought was a truely great blossoming relationship turn into nothing.

People are amazing actors, and its cruel for some of us who believe there is kindness in many and most to learn that is not always the truth.

Like I said before because of the situation and circumstance it would have been nice to hear your story, your opinion, you haven’t said a word.

At the very worst even civil friendship for the sake of the friendship group we had formed.

But whatever.

Your loss. Right?

My conscious is clear I apologised to you,I tried to reach out and speak about stuff and you ignored me.

I was anxious-part 19-It was Friday

It was Friday and you had been let down again from seeing the girls.

We managed to get over most of the hurdles we faced during the middle.

We spoke a bit more and we was on a good page with one another.

I wanted to surprise you treat you.

We was both wearing jumpers that looked the same which made me giggle, we was alike and it was nice.

I like being around people who are alike and can relate.

You had no idea but I wanted to get out of the house, things where getting you down and I could tell.

So we went out for dinner and I bought you whatever you fancied.

You was telling me about the foods you liked and enjoyed and said you would show me how to cook them and could make my own versions I wanted to make, for what I was able to eat.

Fridays where strange you finished earlier on a Friday then what you would on a Wednesday and Thursday.

You would remind me this every week.

I tried to cheer you up help you understand that it probably isn’t personal at all and you kept telling me how worried you was that maybe the kids wouldnt want to know you the older they became.

I said that wouldn’t be likely and that kids that age like seeing their friends and not hanging out with their parents.

It meant alot to you and I respected that and you agreed to just try and keep communicating.

You was proud that you was able to maintain a mutural set up with you ex said that you knew that to some people would think that was really weird but I didnt think that.

Not when kids are involved and if it was ended on a basis where you both came to agreements with things then that’s really positive and I think that if people can put their differences aside it makes it easier for everyone.

Life is too short to be arguing all the time and making things difficult for one another.

Why was I any different?

I was the meaningless jigsaw piece.

Maybe it was because we wasn’t talking for a massive amount of time but it felt like I had known you for years. I felt like we just clicked, I couldn’t have imagined anything like this ever happening.

At the very worst I would have thought we would have been friends.

The further I come from this, the more time alone I have, the less it feels like that was even my life.

Its strange it feels now like a wandering dream.

Unreal.

People keep bringing up your name and I really don’t know what to say, there are so many things that I don’t know.

I hold my hands up and I apologise, I ask what it was that I did and you never reply. 

People say that, that’s because you don’t want to know and the quicker I notice this the easier and better the outcome will be for me.

Maybe something awful happened maybe something happened that you cant tell me about, maybe the truth is you are back with your ex and that’s why you said that people thought it was weird.

Maybe someone said something about me or maybe someone said that I said something about you.

Maybe your sick, or maybe my reaction to you calling me your ex’s name really did piss you off.

Maybe the poem following that pissed you off, maybe you thought some poems I shared where about you.

I’m not sure. I’m not certain.

As I said before in the other parts we never had a row, we didn’t have an argument and it was all left on a really bizzare note.

It was Tuesday and you came over after work you was a bit grumpy as was I and I felt really off unwell, it wasn’t you I was just tired from the school runs after school and starting university.

Maybe you felt that because I was at University that we had different paths, but really that wasn’t your choice to make.

You made choices that week that I didn’t understand and choices I made you didn’t understand.

It was Wednesday and you offered to help with the school runs it was fine. But then that’s when you called me your ex’s name.

Nothing was said about it in the moment. I was in shock because it was a little bit random and first thing, but I just said I needed to think about it I never said I was angry.

I said I needed some space and maybe see you at the weekend since you work late on Wednesdays and Thursdays.

To you this was overreacting, to me it was having time to think about it.

For both of us.

It was Thursday and I hadn’t really heard from you from the Wednesday morning, you used to ask if you could call me, you would text me every 8am saying hey with a waving emoji and say good morning.

All of this was dissolving. 

I needed to do something in town and you work in  town and I thought it would have been nice to say hello and surprise you.

You didn’t like this you didn’t let me in and you  told me there and then abruptly that you did not like surprises.

I couldn’t look at you.

I felt like there was something you was hiding not telling me and I was getting worried.

I really didn’t think that it was worth being this big a deal and wanted to resolve things.

People may think otherwise but honestly all I ever do is to try and resolve things, it makes it easier and better for everyone.

You was cold.

I had never seen you behave so cold.

Ever.

Saturday came and it was the first ever Saturday I had had without the kids since moving in and it was a great chance to talk and try and resolve things.

You finshed work at 5pm on a Saturday but for whatever reason you chose to stay on and not speak to me until half 7 almost 8.

You couldn’t look at me you was just looking at the floor and having cig after cig.

Saying words and not finishing the sentences.

I had seen this look before on my children when they knew they had done something wrong but there wasn’t really anything that big.

I didn’t want you to feel bad.

I just was confused.

You looked so pale and unwell it was unsettling.

You was saying words like ‘look’ and ‘and..’ ‘maybe’ and not really saying much at all, whilst the steam from your cup of tea was floating off into the garden.

I asked you if you didn’t want to talk or see me anymore, and you said ‘oh no of course not its not that’ and then started talking about having a sched.

You said that you wasn’t happy with my reaction in the week and I upset you  coming too see you before work. I apologised.

Next thing we went to the bar where you had first come to see me after a poetry night that had finished.

It made me think so much that in the beginning  you did the exact same thing to me you came to see me with no notice, you contacted me and came round and you was persuing me.

I did not act the way that you was.

It didn’t stop you continuing the night and continuing to have drinks with me and a laugh and tell me how nice I looked and how lucky you thought you was.

It didn’t stop you taking me across the road into another bar and continue to talk to me for another 3 hours.

We was in Pave and we spoke about your parents your family.

We spoke about your experiance at university.

We spoke about christmas and we spoke about what your family may have thought about us talking and you was happy and you said that they would be happy and it would have been nice for me to meet them.

You told me in such great detail about the things that you had been though.

We then spoke about filming and films you had been involved in making and ones that you wanted to do.

I told you about the book that I was writing and you told me about what you was writing and that you seeing me write made you want to grow that passion again. 

Your phone died and you kept hinting.

I didnt know what you was on about.

You went off to the toilet and I glared down at my phone and saw the message.

YOU said that you was having such an amazing night.

Last orders.

Sainsbury’s was shut  and its never shut so we went to the garage because we wanted more cigs.

I hadn’t really eaten much so I got drunk a little bit easier than normal.

…..

We got back to mine and I put some music on I said that we never got chance to dance at spiders that night and maybe we should try it again sometime.

I may have been drunk but I remember everything.

You didn’t want to talk you was all affectionate.

Sunday.

You took me to F&B we had a meal and it was a rip off, I did try and pre-warn you but it felt like you wanted to treat me or spend time with me maybe.

We was umming and arring about what we should do as we was hanging a little bit from the pub drinking.

It was 3pm and you was grumpy tired and you started to stop looking at me again. I felt unhappy even though it had been so nice talking and everything.

It was 3pm and you started going on about needing to use the laundrette and that you needed to go home and get some sleep so I said sure whatever it takes for you to go and be ok.

My feelings was never considered in your scenarios, you went home and you didn’t message me.

It was Monday and I didn’t hear anything, you didn’t mention the weekend and you didn’t ask if I was ok.

It was Tuesday and I just started saying to friends that I think its done because I hadn’t had  converstaion with you.

It was Wednesday and you said that you could come over after work to talk but it would have been late and I had a massive stone inside my stomach that was stopping me from eating thinking and sleeping. I didn’t want to accept that maybe you had used me over the weekend.

It was Thursday and people started asking questions and asking if I was sure and I didnt know what to tell anyone.

It was Friday.

It was Saturday

Sunday

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

It was Friday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was anxious part 12 part 2 : I’m here for you.

My counsellor often told me to find peace with the unknown.

But, I always struggled with this concept.

Finding peace with not knowing, and not having the answers to questions, was hard.

Especially the ones I had swimming in my head over and over.

Sometimes it took over my life and stopped me worrying about the moments that I was living in.

Sometimes by the time I stopped worrying about the unknowns, I had missed out on so much time, that was really in reality, nice. Potentially even could have been happy.

If someone text me saying that they wanted to have sex with me whilst thier girlfriend was away on holiday.

That would be clear to most people that it means that person is using the other person to cheat. Get pleassure for themselves, selfish and greedy.

The only person that would get hurt is me.

But to me it made me wonder if there was a deeper meaning, did that person miss me? Did they care about me? Could I see this person and not sleep with them just talk to them? Was it even about sex or a cry for help?

(I wish you didnt use me like that you knew I would decline (different you) please read other parts to this series to understand the ‘yous’.)

Further, made me think about all the crap I’d been through. I could almost construct a guide on how to love someone, how to be kind, how to treat someone like a fucking human. We could all do with one about how to end a relationship and not be a c*nt about it.

When you’ve been in a similar place you may find yourself questioning everything. Even things that didnt need questioning. People said to me it was naivety, lack of understanding. I think it’s a matter of perspective, a different viewpoint. Perhaps, I just refuse to let go of the thought that there is good in people.

Some have souls so powerful but confidence so low they cant break the cycle.

The goodness in people can change lives of many. But we all lose a little bit of hope as we get older.

It’s hard to stay open minded and possitive when life is cruel to you in so many ways.

Grieving in our culture is so difficult and a hard emotion to process, we dont hear it enough that it is ok to cry, ok to reach out, it’s ok to shout and scream. We bottle it up, we vanish, we never talk about it, we treat it as if it never happend or it happend but its not worth ‘worrying about’.

Well yes it is worth worrying about, it will happend to all of us. It’s worth making sure we all feel ok about discussing things with one another. I always try to think of it this way, life should always be celebrated.

Its fucking horrible when you lose someone in an unimaginable way, but you have to carry on living and live with thier thought in mind sometimes. Would they want you to stop being successful and happy? No. Would they want you to be miserable and broken for the rest of your life? No.

I mean if we lived forever then people wouldn’t make effort and it would be a pretty boring life. It matters because your voice is worthy, hell your life is precious, your precious. You deserve to be loved and deserve to be happy.

Its easy to find peace with things like this in time. But finding peace with someone who leaves your life and is still able to tell you what they think and feel and dont, is challenging.

Treating it the same will help?

Would you want me to feel immensely distraught and break down?

Would you want me to not be successful and happy? I don’t know

But I need move forward and find peace with something.

I was anxious – part 6 I’m sorry

So, I can’t remember precisely how many days have gone. Weeks have passed, maybe it’s not that many.

Almost 2 months maybe, time became less important it just happened I know I don’t have control over it so it just carry’s on happening.

It’s almost Halloween and I even ordered a stupid corset, incase we all did go out as a group, it arrived a month ago, I havent even tried it on, I didn’t see the point. I haven’t bothered with decorations baking this year, because I just feel as though my spirits have been dropped.

So much so I don’t think I will even bother buying Christmas decorations I don’t have a tree or anything it was left behind in the house I left. I know I know it’s for the kids.

I’ve moved 3 times this year it’s been difficult. So when you mentioned looking for a bigger house it threw me off. Another grand gesture, I got my head round it then in the last week or so you sort of just slowly stopped talking to me and that’s the point where we are at.

My mum believes there’s no reasoning to it, that your a coward and perhaps it’s because you wasn’t interested after all.

I think there’s more to it but maybe that’s because I partly blame myself for most things.

It probably didn’t help that I deleted you but my logic was it would trigger you to call me or something.

Nothing happened, I have sent messages but you just ignore me. I know your around because of the other things that happened shortly after and you was talking to my friend. But why couldn’t you talk to me?

My theory is your scared, don’t give a fuck, couldn’t careless, there’s another woman involved, you moved on immediately or I imagined the whole thing.

The thing is the truth always comes out, always and everyone is a liar.

You may not be surprised to learn but I am. I was going into this with my head straight. Why I asked questions like what we wanted, and little bits of future. I didn’t think you was a liar and I still dont think you are but I have nothing nothing at all to believe otherwise.

That’s why I’m stuck. Completely stuck. I keep moving forward but you hold me back unintentionally, with out knowing.

We had more good days then bad infact we only had one bad day , ok maybe two. But bad days are bound to happen. I was prepared to make things work I was prepared, I listened, I was there.

But there was something else?

Or someone else?

I’m sorry

I was anxious

I was really anxious, scared. I hadn’t made effort like this in years . I hadn’t ever been on a date ever, not a one to one, face to face, you sit in front of me and I sit in front of you.

It was very personal, and it was hard to make eye contact. I’d never been to this side of town never been able to afford it, it was as if the world wanted us there that evening. It was quiet, calm beautiful summers night, and if that wasn’t a recipe to fall in love, then I was under the wrong illusion.

Birds flocked off into the evening sunset. Even the church bells rang, perhaps it seemed I was more focused on the surround and not you but that really wasn’t the case. I knew this was me being put on the spot and I knew this moment that I was enjoying so much was about to end as the night went on.

I’d been having writers block, but now I’d fallen back in love with the world, thanks to you.

I watched your hands for the first part tapping on the table pushing the box of cigarettes,not completely to me, but enough to suggest an offer. I felt your eyes on my face but was to shy to look up.

You knew I wasn’t a heavy smoker, or really a smoker but I liked a cig.

We spoke about abandonment the time you went on holiday and was let down by a friend , laughed at how long ago it was because of our ages.

You wanted to move on, I liked the sound of the bells, although I kept telling you it was strange and annoying, I was actually fairly comfortable.

We moved on to another pub nestled in between buildings , private, small , cute , quiet and beautiful. I appreciate architecture and outdoor space, we sat down outside and it was nice. Even if others described it as a dive or something, it didn’t bother me.

You stopped me and you said before passing me my drink, I really need to tell you something. My heart started spinning and I thought I got rid of my anxiety but it slowly started to come back, I thought shit he’s going to say he loves me or something, nah not yet surely, and I’m not thinking that already? Am I?

“You really need to tell me something?”

“I wanted to say it now incase I get drunk and you think I’m just saying it because I’m drunk. You look really beautiful your gorgeous”

Oh my god, I smacked my lips right on your lips and kissed you so hard so you knew how much I liked you.

That’s what I should have done, but I didnt I blushed and said thank you very much and I really appreciate being taken out and spending time with you.

I fucked up didn’t I, I was so anxious for a long time I didn’t even get chance to tell you half the things that was going on.

See I may have never been on a date before, but I’d been round plenty of men, boys , dickheads, users, bastards to know when people pull a stunt. You wasn’t pulling a stunt you was being normal, friendly, a gentleman.

This time I wanted something real, meaningful and you was just, I mean I know no ones perfect but a least those moments made it feel as though it was meant to be.

So we was in the pub and we got talking but not much to each other to the girls sat opposite to us, they was tourists, drunk friendly people.

Drank up, pissed about in the street looking for the worlds smallest window and got a taxi back.

I remember punching myself because I still hadn’t kissed you but congratulating myself on having the courage to make it out the front door.

Now both actions I replay in my head 3 months on, did I? Should I? To most of you it’s easy to say get over it , stop going on, stop bringing it up, stop moaning. If you have a friend who suffers or has suffered with anxiety to the extent that I can it really doesn’t help even if you don’t mean to.

I can’t, it happend and I will discuss it because it happend and it happend to me and it was important.

I felt emotions I hadn’t felt since forever, and I mean the good ones.

I was seeing blue in the sky even when there was impetuous rain, I opening mail and dealing with it. I was wearing makeup and enjoying wearing makeup, I was scared, terrified. But on top of the world.

I’m still scared and terrified but at least then it was a nice scared and terrified feeling, now it’s the real deal.

Because the world dealt me a different card really quickly, and the last time I felt this low, I was 21 years old signing my grandad DNR papers with noone else in the room, no one else to lean on and no one else to ask for an opinion.

I was 17 sat in a hostel on a sofa bed on the floor being told to write a letter on the back of recycled paper, to the man who had been abusing me for 2 years telling him why I left.

I was in the playground stood on my own, surrounded by faces I knew (but ignored me) being told on my mobile that my step mum was diagnosed with cancer again, year later she passed away.

I was on the front door step of my home at 16 trying to get back in but the doors had been changed.

I was the 10 year old girl sat on the bedroom floor crying in the corner holding on to a teddy I called ‘dig dog’.

I’m an observer, a listener, I’m quiet, never let on what I’m thinking. Not always. Told to shut up and put up and to not talk about my feelings. But now I am, and that’s pretty fucking powerful.

You said goodbye it was an amazing evening and couldn’t wait to see you next.

It’s you.

although we didnt get much time,
I take the honor of knowing,
That in growing,
I spent some time with you,
We wasnt single,
We was joint?
We was something?
And it was an honor…
I will never forget that cheeky grin,
When I held the door and let you in,

I had to throw you out once or twice,

Being late not worth the sacrifice,

I will never forget that surprise you gave me,
When you said you thought you loved me,
I doubt I’ll get over the days,
Where you held me on your knee in a night club spinning,

Sitting outside the pub like we did in the beginning,

If it wasnt love then fuck’ you got me hoaxed, but you still passed me the vodka cokes,

It’s like I didnt need anyone else around me.

Because you gave me everything I need (needed)

I dont think it will get easier,

Time will make things simpler,

You know exactly what this is ,
But I’ll act like its non of my buisness,
You cant stay mad forever ,
Because I put the milk in the tea ,
the bread in the toaster.
Even from the height standing on that step, just to kiss you on your neck,
you thought it was some silly game, but it was fun and you got your way,
Blowing out fags by the back,

Looking serious like theres no turning back,

I doubt I will forget it,
I doubt I will forget that.
We never made it to the other side,
We never made it to the end of the car ride,
I really wanted to be there,

Theres not much around not much here,

It’s scary that the blanks are deadly silent,

And for some time I wanted quiet,

But even this is too much to bare,

I wish things would get easier,

But at least I can say it was an honor….

benefits mum

hello its me
another benefits mum
another where the fucks my child maintenance?
skint at the end of the week
if i rent a house they need 6 month bank statements
in case i’m dodgy
nothing is private

hello its me
another benefits mum
I’ve had my housing delayed
rent nearly late
I made it
tried to get work
but the childcare cost more than a roof and food combined

Hi its me another benefits mum
apart from i’m always off my bum
i’m walking around these streets day in and out repeatedly
and now i’m
another mum asking another mum for a lump sum
to get some food for the little ones

its me
such a strange life to be
when money is controlling me
trapped in a system
patriarchy
cant break free
politicians put a number on me
like a cow in a field
and the media makes me sound like i am some kind of scum
but its hard i have little ones calling me mum
so i must have a responsibility
but the pressure society puts on me
makes me feel like i cant breathe
people assume its how i want to be
but
i could imagine being anywhere better…..

Letter 8 Rizlas

August 2005

dear,

I went to the park on my own today, hoody, joggers green NIKE trainers. I didn’t intend to go out and meet anyone, I just wanted to get out as its the summer holidays and they have been so boring this year. I normally just sit with my headphones in from my mp3 player, sometimes playing the boring album. You can only maybe get 1 or 2 albums on at a time and I don’t have that many CDs to start with anyway, maroon 5 is getting a little bit repetitive.

There where these lads here today that came over to me and started talking one was a little round and tried to bike around on top of the chopped up bark flooring, another one sort of skinny and has glasses and the 3rd he was oldest 15 and seemed a bit scruffy. And my god they could have done with a shower.

One of the lads asked what my name was , and I said Lilyth but it took them awhile to get there tounges around it. Asking me why I was on my own and why I’m not playing with anyone, and I tried to explain that no one I know was around here or out.

I got off the swing and went towards the climbing frame and we sat in the under part, away from the rain. The oldest lad was boasting about how he had learned how to roll cigarettes and that he smokes. He was a lot older than me but we didn’t seem to different. I don’t understand why they smelt so bad, I’m guessing that’s puberty or something. Oh, and they started asking if I was single , that was a little awkward.

Anyway the oldest lad was called Luke and he was really cute and I was telling him off saying he shouldn’t be smoking and that he is too young. When he wasn’t looking I took the packet of Green Rizlas off him. He seemed pretty lost I couldn’t help but think that the summer holiday had been a bit tough for him too.

They walked me home.

August 20th

I’ve been at dads all this week, mum said that the boys from the park keep coming to knock for me I told her to give them my number so I could text.

September 3rd

Mum called me today I haven’t been able to see her for some time dads been driving me around all his work places and I’m back at school this week I cant believe they’ve been knocking for so many weeks, I said to her again to give my number then I could text them, she must keep forgetting.

November 9th

Mum said that it is the last time that them lads call for me and she said she told them not to call on me anymore because I don’t live with her. I said it wasn’t my fault I wasn’t asking them to call on me. I feel a little bit sad though, I’ve put the Rizlas in one of my boxes and put it under the bed.

August 2009

I’ve been clearing out my bedroom now that I have to get ready for GCSE work, when I found this small thing of cig papers. I cant believe that I had them in my room for so long.

anxiety my chains

Anxiety my chains
.
I’m shy,
but not really,
smile,
but I’m                  secrectly,
crying.
I’m laughing!
silent,
but I’m chatting!
.
I’m shy,
but not really.
I’m cold,
and im needy.
the
attention
you
give
me
smokes
like
fire
in my belly.
and im ready,
when your ready…
slow  ,
but I’m steady,
quick,
and on edge,
anxiety.
my chains
just want to feel,’normal’ again.
.

belongs to me

belongs to me
.
my body,
is for my enjoyment,
every strap,
every lace,
every mark,
beauty spot,
it belongs to me.
my body is,
MY temple,
and I will not give you one piece!
if I choose to share with you,
then you,
shall respect it,
as if it is your own,
it is not for you to comment,
I will not be objectified,
sexualised,
or demonised,
I do things for my own satisfaction,
no man, No other,
not for their joy,
entertainment,
my body it belongs to me.