One last thought before bed

I miss it,

But I’m so damn grateful that I’m so far away from that place,

I hate that I think of it,

But I know where I am,

I’m in such a safer environment,

It’s slightly distressing in the back of my memories,

The house was beautiful,

I imaged dancing holding wedding drapes,

Scrubbing off pieces of our wedding cake,

I miss it but it’s that part of my soul that needs to evaporator into the earth and never return,

I imagined raising our first child,

I watched them run in the garden,

All the seeds and flowers I watched them grow,

Nursed them as if I was a talented gardener,

But I had to leave all of that behind and that is was destroys me,

And as I look back in the memories of my mind.

I just see hate.

Blackness covering the garden.

Weed killer murdering the flowers.

And no child.

No cake.

No wedding drapes.

The world can harbour evil,

Who am I to challenge it?

And although deep this may seem,

It is sometimes one last thought before I go to bed.

8th jan 2019

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anxiety my chains

Anxiety my chains
.
I’m shy,
but not really,
smile,
but I’m                  secrectly,
crying.
I’m laughing!
silent,
but I’m chatting!
.
I’m shy,
but not really.
I’m cold,
and im needy.
the
attention
you
give
me
smokes
like
fire
in my belly.
and im ready,
when your ready…
slow  ,
but I’m steady,
quick,
and on edge,
anxiety.
my chains
just want to feel,’normal’ again.
.

I got all the answers I need

This is it,

there is no us,

no then, no now

this is it,

I’ve been ignoring myself for too long,

for so long,

I have all the answers I need,

I can go on along as I please.

Time to take care of me,

this is it there is no we.

Just I.

I got all the answers I need.

This is how it should of been

Good morning naivety! 
Arms stretched out along the sofa 

Your shuffling a little closer 

Dinner in the oven by 6 and if it’s not , it’s going to be just eat! 

You smile at me like we’ve never been broken 

And I chuck the last slice at you like you’ve never eaten

Feet up on my knees 

And telly on loud so the neighbours don’t hear 

Your shoes thrown on the landing dear

Your lips all on my back and ears 

Fuck all meds and sertraline

Because this is how it should of been ! 
Passing your earing, to put on the side 

A drink perched next to us for the time 

That we get thirsty after this rhyme 

So your still thinking how to trick me next 

But I’m always a step a head 

And we lay across your bed 

Like we have only just met 

Your cold and I appreciate 

That things can never be too late 

Door opens and the car engines on 

It’s time for work but even when I go your never gone 

You drop me off so you can go 

My hand it holds on to yours 

As you push the steering wheel

You kiss me on my face it seems 

And I turn to you I smile and beam 

You say ‘what do you think all this means?’

And I say 

…this is how it should of been!’

I’m home first and that’s ok 

I chuck my purse on to the side again 

My phone it’s plugged into your charger 

I know that sort of makes you mad 

Kettle on because I know you love a brew 

And I can’t wait to just be with you 

It’s passed 6 your still not back 

And I sort of got stuck with a microwave pack 

I remember to wash your jeans 

For the weekend we spend time to be free 

I remember as you turned to me 

Laughing we giggled about 

How this is how we should of been 

The clocks been ticking for some time 

And I’m starting to go out my mind 

It’s 10pm and 6calls you’ve not returned 

I throw your meal into the litter 

And your cuppa went cold by supper 

I just hope your not in trouble 

But my fear is I’m seeing double

A catastrophe is about to elapse 

My body feels like it might collapse I fall asleep on the sofa…

To return to see you still not here. 

He’s a mess

He’s a mess

He’s a mess

so he’s healing

Whilst time is slow to him

It’s been a year to her

He’s a state

So he’s taking time away

She’s discovering love for word play

And performance poetry.

He’s breaking down

Giving all out

And she tried a few times

To get him to hear her loud

But he doesn’t want to listen

Doesn’t want to respond

She’s breaking too

There is no bond

She’s crying out for attention

But and the same time she just wants to give affection

And the random memories

Pop up here and there

She just wishes she could shift the earth

She changed her looks

Cut all her hair

She breaking

He’s still not recovering

There’s been no conversation since

Is this there transformation times?

Next time they meet will they be different

Will he tell her the truth and know emotions

Or will he be gone and still living in slow motion ?

And…what about that time they sat?

he walked over, slumped

His head he leaned across her chest

He laid his worries stresses, his mess

She wasn’t sure how to react

laid her hand across his chest

she absorbed his troubles too

she had no clue to what to do

He sighed and almost cried a tear

Why is he so desperately living in fear

She felt that he had not been cared for

But out she left again out of that door

A million words shared in just one setting

Is it all still worth forgetting ?

The mind sticks and clings to things we think we should get to know

But maybe she ought to let it go.

He’s a mess

She’s broken

Anticipating words unspoken

And if she hadn’t been through enough

The next parts gonna be really tough …

Letter 3 ‘The ice cream’

3rd of August 2003
Monday 
Dad and my step mum have been arguing for days now. I don’t really understand what they’re arguing about I’m too young to get it. Although it does make me feel on edge. Dad seems to be very strict always sending me to my room but my step brother is always alowed out into the garden and I sit and watch him sometimes from my bedroom window.
I saw them digging together , my step mum was telling us to look for roman coins and I wanted to find dinosaur bones or treasure. Everything was going fine and then dad came back and he sent me to my room. 
Tuesday 
They’re still arguing I just woke up to them having loud words with one another . I blame myself . Because I know sometimes I get a little stroppy but I don’t mean for it to cause all this. I just feel left out all the time and dads always telling me off . Or my step mum gets mad and I don’t really understand why. I haven’t seen my mum for some time too because she’s not well again. I didn’t think that the cold or flu would stop you being able to see your kid for weeks. But I suppose I will just have to wait till she is better. I do miss her though. 
I did something wrong I was a brat so they say in there arguments, I couldn’t help but over hear and just started crying sitting by my bedroom door. Then my dad thumped on the door and I jumped right out of my skin. 
‘Get dressed’ he said and walked off. 
The car
I have no idea where we are going and dad won’t really talk to me he’s not said what’s wrong or what’s happening. 
We arrived in York some hour later and he took me around the city and town not really saying much at all. He then asked me if I would like an ice cream of course I would have liked an ice cream I hadn’t eaten lunch for a day or so, I kept being told to eat what I get off the plate or get nothing at all. I really struggle to eat I get upset stomach or it taste funny, or I just don’t feel like eating. I think that’s maybe what made my step mum upset. Dad got me a huge ice cream and we continued to walk down the tiny little pebbled street to watch street performers and someone pretending to be a statue. 

You and your giddy 😊

I wrote this one today:

Okay so I wrote this one today and its called ‘you and your giddy smile’

YOU could kill with those eyes

I sat down

you sat by

you could rotate the whole world

with those words

you leaned on me

I let you in

you haven’t left the flat for some time

and I don’t know why someone like you would choose to hide

when All the tears have gone and cried

I know I could’ve spent all the while

with just YOU and your ‘giddy smile’

you put the effort in and that’s what counts

now you started saying things like

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong

and

women seem to be mad and I don’t even know what I’m doing

that’s fine

I didn’t have any reason to be mad

with you anymore,

your okay and I’m alright,

I know that will get through the night,

I sat down and you sat by

you could rotate whole world with your words

you leaned on me

I’ll let you in when all the tears have gone and cried

I know I could just spend all the while with … just you and your

giddy smile…

Letter 2 ‘the guitar’

2nd of August 2015

‘the guitar’

Dear ………

Hey, its been a long week and I’ve not really seen anyone for a long time. Mark is always at work he’s been staying on till 4, 5am in the morning. This is causing a lot of issues between us. I’m about 85% sure that his work place closes about 12:30.

It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been lied to. I know he sneaks to people’s houses and goes of to get drunk, and high or both. Our baby is about 6 months old now and I could really do with some support. I should be happy that today he has a day off work.

—–3pm

I put the kettle on and we both sat down to have a drink. I know he likes his tea sweet with just a dash of milk. He seemed happier today he even spontaneously decided to pick up the guitar and dust it off. I loved hearing him play the guitar it always made me feel at ease..

He been playing the guitar calmly asking me what I thought. The first conversation between us in over a week. I was sort of hoping he would open up about the time he spends out of the house or at least acknowledge how sad I’ve been feeling. Even a promise of a cup of tea in a cafe would be nice nothing amazing just so I could get out of the house. I’ve had stomach ache since I had baby and he doesn’t really notice he just shrugs me off or thinks I’m saying it so he work. 

7pm 

It’s bed time I’ve been trying to get the baby to sleep tryed to rock him relentlessly, but he just won’t go to bed. He’s had calpol, breastmilk, yoghurt, toys. I literally gave up. Mark came upstairs but after me asking 4 to 5 times. I know it’s his night off he’s busy playing yugio card games with his friends. But I really needed a partner tonight. I’ve not had much sleep with him staying on at work and baby won’t sleep. 
Anyway, Marks taking over for the time being. So far it’s working… how can he not see that he has good potential to be a good dad. 
10:30pm 
Mark and his mates are now all stoned so if baby wakes up there is no chance of asking him again for any help….he’s at work he said for the next 5 days then is going to a work party. I know it’s his night off but I was sort of hoping it could have been my night off too.

dear reader

dear readers….

I would like to thankyou for all your time and support on my creative writing journey. I am honored to share my poems with you my posts about my life and journey. I would really like to now take this opportunity to write even more…

I know I have my own style and specific audience and that’s fine.

Even if I get one person reading
that is massive to me and means a great deal…

I would like to welcome you to the next 31 Days of August where I will be writing in the style of a diary in Letter form. You guessed it! Lettersyoullneversee original.

I want to be able to write an expressive form of writing, I don’t want to refrain or take out things, I want this to be an original piece of work. I don’t know where the journey will land me, if viewers will read, if people will enjoy it.

that’s OK, so long as that one person is with me every step of the way. I will try to keep up with it best I can.

now…. I want to warn anyone who is used to usual content, the letters written in a diary entry are from some true life events, some are real characters some maybe made up or over emphsised. This is written for an adult audience and not aimed at children. Based on the mind of a child, pre teen and young adult, in jumbled formation. There is 100% no intent to cause anyone upset or distress.

Tomorrow I welcome you to Lettersyoullneversee 2019 Letters!

Thankyou again for reading

Much love, yours truly 😘

Lilyth

belongs to me

belongs to me
.
my body,
is for my enjoyment,
every strap,
every lace,
every mark,
beauty spot,
it belongs to me.
my body is,
MY temple,
and I will not give you one piece!
if I choose to share with you,
then you,
shall respect it,
as if it is your own,
it is not for you to comment,
I will not be objectified,
sexualised,
or demonised,
I do things for my own satisfaction,
no man, No other,
not for their joy,
entertainment,
my body it belongs to me.