time

Things where so beautiful

Things where so beautiful,

Our hair a silky shine,

Things just kept on happening,

Happening over time,

I feel this guilty sheet of black,

Darkening my life,

I was so full of energy,

We was looking up, everything was nice,

I turn to see if your still next to me,

But there is no one in my bed,

And I keep on worrying if what I have done, I will regret,

Troubles.

Hunny.

Troubles.

Our relationship can not survive,

Troubles.

Hunny.

Troubles.

We need to put these things behind,

If only I had know,

When my skin was so young and soft,

That we would end up in this mess,

Unable to mend the hurts,

What will it cost?

Our time may nearly be done,

And maybe we should move on,

But it’s starting to trouble me,

Now your really gone.

Troubles.

Hunny.

Troubles.

Can we please turn back the clock?

Troubles.

Hunny.

Troubles.

Maybe we’ve both been lost,

It’s ok to feel like you will always love,

But falling back in is hard,

And being able to bring it back,

When for so long you’ve been on guard,

Our hair was silky shiny,

Our skin softer than a peach,

Troubles keep on coming,

Troubles we work through,

Please grow a solution we can learn to preach,

Troubles, hunny, troubles.

I was anxious – part 9- Hornsea

I sat for some time whilst you went off to the toilet. Watching the children run up and down splashing in the sea pretending to be mermaids, picking up giant rocks and bringing them to me like absolute nutters almost landing them on their toes.

So much laughter, so much sun and so much happiness, it felt as if I was overdosing and inside a film I wasn’t supposed to be inside of.

We decided to take the children to Hornsea. You’ve always been a good friend like that, thinking about me and the children. I’d listen to you talk about your woes and you’d listen to mine about Faff and Davum the others. University concerns family dramas.

He was at work and I was sending him pictures of me at the seaside, a rare occasion of smiles. My best pal was also at work and I sent pictures across to her, would have been nice if everyone could have been there but I appreciate times where hard and more complex and complicated.

I sat watching the waves ush over my mind, I was in disbelief I’d made it out of Hull at last, after almost 7 years I hadn’t seen the seaside.

I knew I hadn’t lost my love for it because I instantly felt goosebumps all over my arms and legs as soon as the sand brushed against my toes.

The children where laughing and even though we was still in the UK that didn’t matter I could have been on sandy beaches abroad and I would have felt just as happy.

This was a strange moment for me it showed me that depression can leave you alone to enjoy life. I was anxious thinking about the long journey home, returning to mayhem and madness. It also made me realise that I didn’t have to be with you to feel the joys that I had been feeling. Perhaps this was reassurance on my clingy displays of past relationships, learning I don’t have to be utterly dependant on someone. But it was too late.

You kept me company wherever I was I was looking forward to coming back and telling you all about my day.

My friend had some dates lined up and was starting to feel better. I expressed concerns and worries and he went over them with me and he was reassuring me saying “yes” and “no” and well “maybe”, “that’s good” and that was helping me round up all my choices and giving me the best advice a friend possibly could.

Things looked up and I saw the best in you, all the good, all the excitement of a new life happening again.

I could live and die in those moment’s over and over just to learn how to keep hold of heaven, the ones where people got on with one another and I had friends around me cheering me on being by my side. Such good friends I could never lose.

I knew once I started these new journeys that the reality of things would slowly start to show.

That feeling when you feel like things are too good to be true. The worst feeling that an anxious person could ever, ever feel.

A phrase that takes the enjoyment of swimming around inside ones head.

It’s not possible, impossible, unbelievable.

I’m not good enough for these good things, happy starts, friends someone that’s telling me that they are in love with me.

I Thankyou for that day helping me come to terms with a great deal I had been through.

Depression was slipping away and anxiety not being as bad as it was.

Hurt

There’s no time,

Left to

Hurt,

Tell me it’s what you want,

That’s the perfect part,

Falling apart.

There’s no time,

Left to

Hurt,

If he wants what he wants he can go get it,

He doesn’t need to,

Because he’s already got it.

Fuck me,

I want to make love,

Fuck me,

I want to make love,

I don’t care about the size,

I don’t care about the look in your

Eyes,

Give me a treat a surprise,

There’s no time,

Left to hurt,

There’s no time,

Left to hurt,

I gave the cans to my friend,

Maybe it’s not what you intend,

I keep getting angry,

But it’s not the same,

And if change going to happen,

It’s already happening,

Fuck me, I want to make love,

Fuck me, I want to make love.

I got all the answers I need

This is it,

there is no us,

no then, no now

this is it,

I’ve been ignoring myself for too long,

for so long,

I have all the answers I need,

I can go on along as I please.

Time to take care of me,

this is it there is no we.

Just I.

I got all the answers I need.

I was anxious – part 8 – unbalanced seesaw

Read I was anxious series from the first entry. 50 readers so far Thankyou for your time !

I was anxious – part 7

No one likes a liar and no one likes an anxious freak even though society is changing we are much more aware of mental health it still doesn’t mean that means people will automatically accept you or try to understand.

Someone I know who had deep mental health conditions understands their own mental health very clearly but when it comes to anybody else’s mental health or should I say my anxiety. There is no understanding at all.

This person is a very close person a family person. Someone I really needed, because without them I would have struggled.

My father hasn’t been around for a long time I would like to say 8 years because that’s the time he made me homeless. But I’ve seen him in between but not for maybe almost 3 years.

See to him I am a disgrace, how dare I have sex and have a child how dare I have children.

See the pattern?

No.

My dad was hard to understand and although many people didn’t and couldn’t understand him it didn’t stop him being who he was.

So I ask myself this, should I stop writing should I refrain from my feelings and thoughts is it worth the stress?

The thing is we are too obsessed with everyone else we never think about our own needs.

We are obsessed with Facebook yet Facebook only tells people the things we think others want to know.

So when I share poems my writing my opinions you will be surprised to learn that it is not what people want to hear.

No one wants to read about someone crying their heart out, no one wants to open their eyes to domestic abuse, no one wants to accept that they’re a giant arsehole that talks shit behind people’s backs through messenger.

We want likes , we want power, we want control.

It’s only natural.

I was anxious – part 6 I’m sorry

So, I can’t remember precisely how many days have gone. Weeks have passed, maybe it’s not that many.

Almost 2 months maybe, time became less important it just happened I know I don’t have control over it so it just carry’s on happening.

It’s almost Halloween and I even ordered a stupid corset, incase we all did go out as a group, it arrived a month ago, I havent even tried it on, I didn’t see the point. I haven’t bothered with decorations baking this year, because I just feel as though my spirits have been dropped.

So much so I don’t think I will even bother buying Christmas decorations I don’t have a tree or anything it was left behind in the house I left. I know I know it’s for the kids.

I’ve moved 3 times this year it’s been difficult. So when you mentioned looking for a bigger house it threw me off. Another grand gesture, I got my head round it then in the last week or so you sort of just slowly stopped talking to me and that’s the point where we are at.

My mum believes there’s no reasoning to it, that your a coward and perhaps it’s because you wasn’t interested after all.

I think there’s more to it but maybe that’s because I partly blame myself for most things.

It probably didn’t help that I deleted you but my logic was it would trigger you to call me or something.

Nothing happened, I have sent messages but you just ignore me. I know your around because of the other things that happened shortly after and you was talking to my friend. But why couldn’t you talk to me?

My theory is your scared, don’t give a fuck, couldn’t careless, there’s another woman involved, you moved on immediately or I imagined the whole thing.

The thing is the truth always comes out, always and everyone is a liar.

You may not be surprised to learn but I am. I was going into this with my head straight. Why I asked questions like what we wanted, and little bits of future. I didn’t think you was a liar and I still dont think you are but I have nothing nothing at all to believe otherwise.

That’s why I’m stuck. Completely stuck. I keep moving forward but you hold me back unintentionally, with out knowing.

We had more good days then bad infact we only had one bad day , ok maybe two. But bad days are bound to happen. I was prepared to make things work I was prepared, I listened, I was there.

But there was something else?

Or someone else?

I’m sorry

I was anxious- part 5

I’ve written almost 4 thousand words in 24 hours about utter fucking nonsense.

Maybe, perhaps.

The thing is when you attach your heart to something you invest. You go the extra mile, you brush your teeth, you dye your hair to get rid of horrible red bits shining through, you bite your nails off, you hack and cut away at your pubes and make sure your legs are as smooth as seals eyelids.

Make sure that your armpits are clear from hair and eyebrows are plucked and picked in just the right shape.

You make effort, you feel awake, you have purpose.

Problem is I should have felt like this anyway, and what’s the use now when I’m smiling at myself in the mirror and so used to feeling you around me or come up to me. There is just so much that gives me the constant shivers.

The thing is the burger cheese really wasn’t the problem at all. Or the jokes about me being younger, and while I’m at it even the beard wasn’t a problem. Or the fact you told me you loved me but left me with doubt, eating me from the inside perforating through my organs, constant agony, leading my brain to overdrive.

That’s right.

Look, I don’t mind beards I just can’t kiss much of a beard, it feels prickly inside my nostrils and I can’t really snog a beard or maybe, I’m just not woman enough to deal with beards being close to my face. Its personal ok I have an opinion about beards. I’m not ashamed to admit it. Don’t send the beard police on to me.

I doubted them words because the thing is if you truly love someone you don’t leave them hanging, you dont ignore them, you don’t let other things overshadow them.

Maybe you feel bad for telling me and not meaning it.

It’s ok.

I’m dealing with it now. But it does hurt I won’t lie. Little tiny words but they are very powerful and meaningful.

To me.

I love you is a commitment, you never just say it for the sake of saying it?

We was in the nightclub and it was you birthday, I bought you a card the day before saying, ‘with love’ and I kick myself now.

I should have just put I love you but I didn’t want it to make it hard for you to make the choice to leave, if that was what you was planning on doing so in the future.

That’s right I think of everything, I am such an anxious freak. I wish I did buy you a romantic card at least because that’s what you was hoping. However if I did do all these other things differently then it doesn’t mean you would still be here, because that’s not how it works.

The world wanted me to have a different card, the world wanted this.

We’d just shared our phone numbers and you text me after you had been for a drive, about seeing a really beautiful rainbow, and then you apologised because you thought that wasn’t a very masculine thing to say. The thing is it didn’t put me off you, it made me fall for you even more. There is no such thing as being more or less of a man especially in this secnario, you was pointing out the beautiful things in the world, only a very awake person does this.

The thing is you was facing real issues I wanted to enlighten you, I got a card that said age didn’t matter, I know you was all depressed about your age for 2 reasons. I know because I listened to you, but I’m not going to share because again I have respect for you and it’s not my place, even though I have not mentioned your name, in case people guess I don’t want to share.

In spiders nightclub, I think I passed the friends test, whilst you left for a piss for the 3rd time I was stood talking to them.

They had questions, they knew and know nothing about me, even now. Which is a shame because I really liked them. They was kind to me.

The first friend, she was nice, said I looked pretty and you was lucky, she said she was telling her husband not to look at me. I said I would almost certainly think about putting a ring on you, in nice way not a creepy way. That got me an ‘aww…’ She said you was kind and seemed to really like me, and you would be kind and look after me.

The other friends was nice to me caring talkative and the one who made references to me being a child I got my revenge and gave him a lollipop, I was given on the way in.

There was another friend but that was more towards the end of the night. So everyone just got drunk, drank more did the norm. I am still sorry that I think I ruined the night for you.

So what happend?

Well everything was going amazingly and we got a photo and you did a speech on how lucky you felt, you was saying to all your friends and why you was happy and then you looked at me and you said “I am so happy that I am with my girlfriend too…” and you looked at me for a response because it wasn’t really official, and hell yeah I mean this was exciting I wanted this, this is all I wanted for a long time to be treated like I was a girlfriend, to be someone’s other half, to be their one and only and to be by their side to battle any battles that where about to be thrown our way.

So what was the problem then?

Well you was drunk, and I was heading the same direction, you was touchy feely and yeah that was fine. I was on my period so that wasn’t really very fun or birthday inviting. I wasn’t even mad at this, I was falling even more, but the thing was, there was no accomodation for me. Surely, if I was your girlfriend then I would be staying with you going back to yours and surely if I was your girlfriend then we better start thinking more of a plan to see each other a little more often.

I never wanted to get as drunk as I did that night that was not my intention, I hate myself for getting that drunk. Because when your with me and my normal anxious self, normal anxious self plus 8 or 9 alcoholic drinks i’m talking vodkas, shots, whisky, malibu, the added worry of what the fuck was going on you just called me your ‘girlfriend’ in front of the whole entire world, I was freaking out where would I stay, I didn’t know where I was going to sleep.

These moments my new happiest moments of my life and I was destroying them because I couldn’t help but get upset.

Issue is I am not good enough, for you, for anyone and your realised this and maybe that’s a reason that your not here anymore.

I went straight into the bathroom and just cried.

That’s right I wanted to contain myself, it was a secret that I was so upset I didn’t want you to see me this upset it was your fucking birthday and everyone else around me is watching me, I dont go to night clubs im a single mum of kids. I don’t have adult experiance of how to interact, I haven’t been called someone’s girlfriend, that doesn’t happen. Months I had been so depressed I didn’t know how much longer I could go on and now I had finally found someone who was like me in so many ways, you even like marmite, now that’s a fucking rarity.

I could not hide, you saw me sad and you knew I was sad and you and your friends passed me water, this was not just the alcohol this was me.

I was so depressed, I was mentally destroying myself telling myself over and over. Just leave he won’t put up with you, your not good enough, end it all whilst your happy. You’ve thought of these plans you’ve been thinking it for months whilst you was in that shitty tiny house with no internet, you have been thinking it. Don’t let this moment of happiness stop you from ending it all.

This is what I was telling myself, but back home my girl friends where keeping me going, they gave me the reasurance I needed, they was there for me at my lowest.

At least if I lose this guy I will always have my girl friends. I don’t need a man to be happy or feel happiness, that is the golden rule.

But you was different.

I was anxious-part 4

The first time I saw you vulnerable, and this time I’m talking about a different you, but again I can’t and wont mention your name but not because I care about you, but because I know what you’ve been doing and I’m not scared of you but I dont like what you’ve been doing.

So for the benefit of the story.

I will call you Lucas, it’s a better name for you anyway your actual name is starting to make me want to wretch everytime I say it.

Lucas.

The first time I saw you vulnerable was on a weekday, the start of 2014. I randomly got hold of a babysitter aka mum, you must have finished or been off work that day.

It was pretty early in the day, I called you up to see if you fancied a drink.

Why am I mentioning this now?

Well, I said I hadn’t had a date before and I dont think I had, I didn’t class this as a date because I organised this myself.

We went to the new pizza place bar on the corner of Alexandra Avenue, yes thats right Lucas you can accuse me of being heartless but I have an amazing memory, why would I want to completely erase parts of my history?

I feel like we forget that we are not computers, we are not facebook messenger, we dont just erase things like messages and images, block and remove, you know pretend like it never happend.

Because that’s what you did didn’t you Lucas, you ran away and you didn’t face the music. Just like you would with all the other people who meant something one point in your life.

Perhaps the first you I discussed in the first parts can relate. Just the difference is he was 20 and this was almost 6 years ago.

So we was sat outside and you didnt have any money, I didnt really have any money, I was 18 year old single mum, college student, living off income support and even now that doesnt exist.

I bought you half a pint if I remember correctly.

You was wearing broken glasses, you had messy sheep hair and you was all honestly a state. That didnt bother me you needed me and maybe I needed you and it was nice to share part of my story with you.

Even though I felt like you wasn’t even there half the time, maybe because you wasnt, you was too fixated in other things.

But for the time being you was sat in front of me and I was sat in front of you.

You told me you didnt like your voice, and I said dont be silly it’s fine. Basically your excuse was you sounded like a dumb kid, and you thought it was from the drugs.

I suggested you had a break or something, you was in a bad way maybe at this moment in time you was going through an horrific breakup? I didnt really know because you didnt tell me?

It wasn’t until I saw her figure go past my door a handful of times

I didn’t realise I knew the girl, or should I say knew of the girl. She was a talented artist in school, quiet, shy, vulnerable. She’d been in my class, I’d seen her and a few of her friends get bullied and she had seen me be bullied. But we never really said anything we wasn’t friends , we just knew we was bullied and studied art in the same class.

I felt bad I wish I spoke to her, I really wish I got her story. That would have been an interesting one to hear.

Anyway, she probably thought I purposely was out to seek you to spite her, how if I had no idea?

So you guys still was hooking up, or smoking joints. I cant ever think who got who addicted? I don’t think you treated her the best if I’m honest. But credit to you, you visited her when she was sick and you contacted her when you wasnt together. You wasnt the kind of guy who wanted his dick wet, so I assumed it was probably mainly about drugs, possibly loneliness.

But with me 3 years on, no, no, no, we have a son and I could of died and you still didnt even get in contact. I was going though absolute hell, and if I wasnt already physically sick, I was close to mentally calling it a day and that’s happend more than I’m proud of.

But we are not here to talk about me, that will come, this is mainly about all of yous.

It’s not a blame bible or anything, I’m just writing to understand what’s happened. Too many people gossip and that’s not fun, gossip is ignorance of the truth.

Bullies never fade, you think you spend all you high school days praying for the day it will end and it ends. Only to reach adult maturity to learn it never fucking ends. And thanks to facebook it is always there, forever, and if it’s not posted on their timelines it’s inside thier inboxes.

That’s right people are two faced, and extremely two faced. They slag you off call you names in your other friends inboxes.

That’s what you showed me Lucas, your friends still bully me and we haven’t even been together for almost 4 years.

You didnt defend me then and you don’t defend me now.

That’s fine. At least because that rule has to end was you break up? Right?

Wrong, why cant people just be nice to one another after breakups or at least try and be civil. I would be embarrassed if people wrote things about you now to try and hurt you.

But just so you know, I never experienced depression as dark as I have since all of it. Even every now and again I see flashes of abusive words and phrases said about me on Facebook.

Do you know how hard that is to live with?

Image by Curtis Wiklund

Perhaps

Perhaps a little bit of bother would solve a little bit of nothing, that’s going nowhere , just a smidge, a little teeny tiny bit of bother, just a little bit, teeny weeny,

helpful handy,

merry happy,

fun lucky,

perhaps teeny tiny bit of money, teeny tiny bit of friends, pretending like the worlds about to end…

melancholy.

I haven’t been honest with myself

Everything’s fucked up,

I mean look at the fucking government!

Who the fuck had the authority,

To call me up and question me,

Why I write poetry ?

Why I write poetry ?

Who the fuck.

I haven’t been honest with myself,

I mean look at the state of my house,

I couldn’t afford draws,

Theres furniture I couldnt afford,

Lived with a mattress on the floor,

Whilst pregnant ,

They called me a whore,

He controlled my every move,

But fuck it I shouldnt have to prove,

They tell me I dont deserve kids,

They tell me I should be dead because of him,

I look around I see,

Homeless , drunk, and disorderly,

People sleeping in bin liners,

Defecating on the streets,

People Raping people behind bins,

Pulling out knives,

People dying in,

The streets they’ve been born and raised in,

I haven’t been honest with myself,

They tell me that I shouldnt have kids,

They tell me I better close my legs,

Like I’ve been giving out myself,

They say I’m a cunt and I’m a slag,

I dont deserve kids,

Hes the one who got up and walked out,

Hes the one who said he wanted to start,

A family.

I’ve haven’t been honest with myself,

Who the hell pushes someone to the edge,

Uses sex as farewell,

This is Hull its starting to get colder,

Please tell me there is more out there,

Before I end it all because I wont care,

Hull daily mail will exploit you,

Surround the hounds to destroy you,

Call you names and down you,

To the ground and drown you,

This is Hull.

Steve

Steve (sorry if anyone’s called Steve)

Steve

your like a pattern on the wall

that I don’t really like

but can’t be bothered

to change

Steve

your the prime example

of a soft centered cream egg

hard on the outside

but melt between the teeth

Steve

you angered me greatly

used my generosity

abused my self simplicity

and took my money…

Steve

my grandad never liked you

you said you didn’t want kids, too,

please give me back my money!

you should know better then to take from strangers…

and Steve your gambling addiction won’t ever go away, I remember you stood in the alcove of the hotel near the station, stopped me from entering, cut the embarrassment, you was embarrassing, and I never really kissed that other man, I just danced and had fun, whilst you used my generosity, abused my self simplicity, im glad weve called it history.

You may never cross me again, and that’s great, but your finger marked imprint took my youthful days away, you can’t say that’s OK.

Steve they warned me, your best friend he toyed with me, and then stole the one friend, I ever had when I went through what I had to, just to please you, because you didn’t want children, and now I see you, running…

Steve

a child lays in your arms,

and a child holds onto your gambling fingers.

Steve

you returned to me again,

and asked me to pay to bail you out.

Steve

I will give you no more favours,

for I did what I did,

because you didn’t want children.

I did.

… and I little tiny piece of me, died,

I sacrificed a whole universe,

destroyed a whole planet,

the stars all in line like a slit wrist,

for you.

… and Steve if anything, you actually taught me that my inner woman is stronger than all lions and tigers combined, and that maybe just maybe, that tiny little imprint you left on my body, was barely a horror from the stories yet to come…

but for now another man provided me the stars the moon and I birthed a son.