Lettersyoullneversee
·
November 15, 2019
·
notebook
·
18only, 2019, 31days, anxietypoetry, book, creativewriting, femalepoet, follow, imwriting, lovepoem, lovepoetry, micropoetry, poerty, poetryanxiety, poetrycommunity, publishedauthor, subscribe, uk, vsspoem, writerscommunity, Yorkshire poet
I see a bird
She
says no word
She
stands alone
She
Hops along
I see a bird
She
Has blue feathers
She
Is in the sunrise
She
Hops onto the side
I see a bird
She
opens her wings
she
only has one wing
she
can’t get in
she
tries to fly
she
could almost die
she is just a bird.
I see a stranger
She
Comes to get the bird
She
takes her home
She
Is gone for long:
I see a bird
She
Is in a pear tree
She
Has a song
She
Sings along
She
I see a bird
she
Spreads her wings
she
Has blue tips
She
Jumps along.
I see a bird
She
goes off and flys
She
Didn’t die
She
Is alive.
Lettersyoullneversee
·
November 12, 2019
·
notebook, Elder, Dear Child
·
31daysofletters, abandonedhouses, anxietypoetry, femalepoet, happypoem, poet, poetryanxiety, poetrycomunity, poetryforhim, popular, post, pray, pregnancy, prestonroad, privatelaw, publish, published, read, readme, renting, romantic, ryhme, safe, sand, sea, Selfpublish, sense, sex, sharing, she, silence, Singlemum, songs, Songwriter, speechless, Spirit, stars, stories, subscribe, summer, taste, tears, teenagepoems, thankyou, theend, truelove, vss365, vssbook, vsspoem, wanderlust, woman, women, Wordpress, Wordpressblog, wordpresscommunity, writerscommunity, yorkshirepoet, youmatter, youtube
Daddy I’m sick
I cry every school night
Kids at school laugh
Talk about it sometimes
I stare at the sharpener
They said kids do it too
They’ve been talking about how to do it
Kids can be cruel
Daddy I’m sick
And you have duty of care
I know you know I’m suffering
I feel like your not there
I stare at the sharpener
It looks back at me too
Daddy I’m sick
Don’t make me go to school
The kids they all laugh
The teachers do to
Daddy I’m sick
And I cant put myself through
Daddy I’m sick
Daddy I’m sick
Daddy I’m sick
Where are you?
Lettersyoullneversee
·
November 12, 2019
·
I was anxious, Lettersyoullneversee
·
18only, 31days, 31daysofletters, abandoned, adultcontent, always, anxietypoetry, austerity, author, authors, authorscomunity, blogger, bloggers, blogging, book, boyfriend, breakup, burning, bye, cheat, citylife, comeback, comehome, community, Consent, creativewriting, deardiary, Depressed, desire, destiny, diary, domesticabuse, domesticabuseawareness, dreams, drinking, emotion, endofworld, erotic, eternity, evening, explore, nofilter, official, original, pain, peace, pleasure, poe, poem, poerty, poet, poetry, poetryanxiety, poetrycommunity, poetrycomunity, poetryforhim, postnatal, published, publishedwriter, reading, readme, reality, Reblog, relationships, romance, romantic, ryhme, sad, safe, script, Selfpublish, selfworth, sense, Share, sharing, shortstory, silence, Singlemum, smell, smile, Songwriter, speechless, spokenword, stories, story, student, subscribe, summer, sun, tears, tease, teenagepoems, theend, time, torn, touch, truelove, uk, urban, urbex, videos, vss365, vssbook, vsspoem, wanderlust, warrior, woman, Wordpress, Wordpressblog, wordpresscommunity, world, write, writer, writers, writerscommunity, yorkshirepoet, youmatter, youtube
It was Thursday and you was at work. I was in town going to primark, on my own. I was wearing my yellow coat, hair pinned, makeup on. I wasn’t going to let what brought me down stop me taking care of myself.
Plus if you see me looking fine then it’s all fine.
You had been avoiding me and you vanished.
You left some clothes at mine I offered to help clean and dry because you dont have a working washing machine.
You didn’t bother to collect them.
Pretty sloppy really.
You was like oh right “hi” and “thankyou” you then followed me out of the door and said “so, you got any plans then” you nearly got me teared up I mean you fucking vanished POOF and then your asking me if I had plans.
“No. Not really.”
“You not seeing your friend”
“No not heard off them”
“Oh right”
“Not got uni?”
I just said I was going and said bye, you was stood leaning on the door. It was like some stupidly soppy romance film that had gone terribly wrong.
It was a haunting moment. You actually looked sad.
…
The next week I realised you left your charger. I mean you said it’s fine keep it but I really didn’t want any pieces of you left behind. How is it fair that I have to live with reminders but you can go about your daily life not giving a shit.
I went through town after counselling to return it.
I was stood for a little bit and I sort of thought you knew I was there but ignored me.
I said I will leave it on the till then.
You just said ‘ok thanks then Lil’ and sat back down. You had grown a massive beard.
I haven’t been back since haven’t even walked in that area. The thought of it makes me want to be sick.
You had a carseat and I said I was in no rush. Since what fecking use of it is to me when I have no car.
I said leave it at our friends I will get it at some point. It ended up with a friend of a friend. I actually thought you’d bring it back after the party.
You was in a rush you wanted me out as much as I wanted you out. Maybe?
…
Party.
It was it was our friends birthday party and I said I wasn’t sure at first if I should go but you said it would be ok maybe awkward at first.
I wasnt planning on staying long I had a gift and needed to drop it off.
Then I realised a whole conversation was happening without me behind closed doors.
That was low.
So, I wasn’t allowed to go to the party in the end.
& that was that, everything had been returned to where it should have been at least in smaller areas.
Lettersyoullneversee
·
November 12, 2019
·
I was anxious, Lettersyoullneversee
·
18only, 2019, 31days, 31daysofletters, 5star, abandoned, abandonedhouses, abandonedphotography, adult, adultcontent, always, anxiety, anxietypoetry, art, austerity, author, authors, authorscomunity, award, awareness, ❤️, beauty, believer, benefits, bestseller, blogger, bloggers, blogging, book, deardiary, Depressed, depression, goodbye, journal, journalism, kind, Kingston-upon-Hull, kiss, lovestory, newbook, sad, Selfpublish, selfworth, sex, Share, sharing, shortstory, silence, Singlemum, smile, songs, speechless, Spirit, spokenword, stories, student, subscribe, summer, tears, thankyou, time, torn, truelove, twitter, vss365, vssbook, vsspoem, war, warrior, women, Wordpress, wordpresscommunity, writer, writers, writerscommunity, Yorkshire poet, yorkshirepoet, youmatter, youtube
You’ll be glad to read that I’m almost at the end of the I was anxious series.
With me you have seen my vision of what I thought was a truely great blossoming relationship turn into nothing.
People are amazing actors, and its cruel for some of us who believe there is kindness in many and most to learn that is not always the truth.
Like I said before because of the situation and circumstance it would have been nice to hear your story, your opinion, you haven’t said a word.
At the very worst even civil friendship for the sake of the friendship group we had formed.
But whatever.
Your loss. Right?
My conscious is clear I apologised to you,I tried to reach out and speak about stuff and you ignored me.
Lettersyoullneversee
·
November 8, 2019
·
I was anxious, Him, My Only
·
18only, 2019, 31days, 31daysofletters, 5star, abandoned, abandonedhouses, abandonedphotography, adult, adultcontent, always, amazon, anxiety, anxietypoetry, art, austerity, author, authors, authorscomunity, award, awareness, ❤️, beauty, believer, benefits, bestseller, blog, blogger, bloggers, blogging, book, breaking news, breakup, budget, burning, bye, cheat, City, citylife, comeback, comehome, comment, community, community local, community+friends, Consent, creative, creativewriting, Creator, crisis, cry, dad, dads, dark, day, deardiary, Depressed, depression, derelict, desire, destiny, diary, disire, distance, domesticabuse, domesticabuseawareness, download, drama, dream, dreams, drinking, earth, emo, emotion, endofworld, english, enjoy, erotic, eternity, evening, explore, facebook, fate, fear, feature, feelings, femalephotographer, femalepoet, feminism, feminist, fighter, fineart, fire, follow, follow me, follower, followme, forever, forgotten, forgotton, freedom, freestyle, friends, girls, gone, goodbye, goth, graffiti, happypoem, happypoen, health, hearbreak, heart, heartbreak, heartbroken, Help, her, Him, hold, holiday, home, hope, Hornsea, horrible, hugs, Hull, humour, Hurt, I love you, iloveyou, important, imwriting, indie, inlove, Instagram, joke, journal, journalism, karma, kind, Kingston-upon-Hull, Kingstonuponhull, kiss, law, letters, Lettersyoullneversee, Life, like, lilyth, lips, live, lordline, loss, lost, love, lovepoem, lovepoetry, lovestory, Loveyou, lust, me, medical, medicine, Menntalhealthmatters, mental health, mentalabuse, mentalhealth, mentalhealthmatters, Metoo, micropoetry, mind, miss you, missyou, modern, mood, moon, mum, need, newbook, News, nofilter, official, openmic, opinion, original, pain, parent, passion, peace, people, performance, photo, photographer, photography, pleasure, po, poe, poem, poems, poerty, poet, poetry, poetryanxiety, poetrycommunity, poetrycomunity, poetryforhim, politics, popular, post, postnatal, pray, pregnancy, pressthis, prestonroad, privatelaw, project, publish, published, publishedwriter, rap, read, reading, readme, reality, Reblog, relationships, renting, romance, romantic, ryhme, sad, safe, sand, script, sea, Selfpublish, selfworth, sense, sex, Share, sharing, she, shortstory, silence, Singlemum, smell, smile, songs, Songwriter, soul, speechless, Spirit, spokenword, stars, stories, story, student, subscribe, summer, sun, taste, tears, tease, teen, teenagepoems, thankyou, thea, theater, time, torn, touch, truelove, twitter, uk, urban, urbex, videos, vss365, vssbook, vsspoem, wanderlust, war, warrior, we, woman, women, word, Wordpress, Wordpressblog, wordpresscommunity, world, wr, write, writer, writers, writerscommunity, writing, Yorkshire poet, yorkshirepoet, you, youmatter, youtube, zombies
It was Friday and you had been let down again from seeing the girls.
We managed to get over most of the hurdles we faced during the middle.
We spoke a bit more and we was on a good page with one another.
I wanted to surprise you treat you.
We was both wearing jumpers that looked the same which made me giggle, we was alike and it was nice.
I like being around people who are alike and can relate.
You had no idea but I wanted to get out of the house, things where getting you down and I could tell.
So we went out for dinner and I bought you whatever you fancied.
You was telling me about the foods you liked and enjoyed and said you would show me how to cook them and could make my own versions I wanted to make, for what I was able to eat.
Fridays where strange you finished earlier on a Friday then what you would on a Wednesday and Thursday.
You would remind me this every week.
I tried to cheer you up help you understand that it probably isn’t personal at all and you kept telling me how worried you was that maybe the kids wouldnt want to know you the older they became.
I said that wouldn’t be likely and that kids that age like seeing their friends and not hanging out with their parents.
It meant alot to you and I respected that and you agreed to just try and keep communicating.
You was proud that you was able to maintain a mutural set up with you ex said that you knew that to some people would think that was really weird but I didnt think that.
Not when kids are involved and if it was ended on a basis where you both came to agreements with things then that’s really positive and I think that if people can put their differences aside it makes it easier for everyone.
Life is too short to be arguing all the time and making things difficult for one another.
Why was I any different?
I was the meaningless jigsaw piece.
Maybe it was because we wasn’t talking for a massive amount of time but it felt like I had known you for years. I felt like we just clicked, I couldn’t have imagined anything like this ever happening.
At the very worst I would have thought we would have been friends.
The further I come from this, the more time alone I have, the less it feels like that was even my life.
Its strange it feels now like a wandering dream.
Unreal.
People keep bringing up your name and I really don’t know what to say, there are so many things that I don’t know.
I hold my hands up and I apologise, I ask what it was that I did and you never reply.
People say that, that’s because you don’t want to know and the quicker I notice this the easier and better the outcome will be for me.
Maybe something awful happened maybe something happened that you cant tell me about, maybe the truth is you are back with your ex and that’s why you said that people thought it was weird.
Maybe someone said something about me or maybe someone said that I said something about you.
Maybe your sick, or maybe my reaction to you calling me your ex’s name really did piss you off.
Maybe the poem following that pissed you off, maybe you thought some poems I shared where about you.
I’m not sure. I’m not certain.
As I said before in the other parts we never had a row, we didn’t have an argument and it was all left on a really bizzare note.
It was Tuesday and you came over after work you was a bit grumpy as was I and I felt really off unwell, it wasn’t you I was just tired from the school runs after school and starting university.
Maybe you felt that because I was at University that we had different paths, but really that wasn’t your choice to make.
You made choices that week that I didn’t understand and choices I made you didn’t understand.
…
It was Wednesday and you offered to help with the school runs it was fine. But then that’s when you called me your ex’s name.
Nothing was said about it in the moment. I was in shock because it was a little bit random and first thing, but I just said I needed to think about it I never said I was angry.
I said I needed some space and maybe see you at the weekend since you work late on Wednesdays and Thursdays.
To you this was overreacting, to me it was having time to think about it.
For both of us.
It was Thursday and I hadn’t really heard from you from the Wednesday morning, you used to ask if you could call me, you would text me every 8am saying hey with a waving emoji and say good morning.
All of this was dissolving.
…
I needed to do something in town and you work in town and I thought it would have been nice to say hello and surprise you.
You didn’t like this you didn’t let me in and you told me there and then abruptly that you did not like surprises.
I couldn’t look at you.
I felt like there was something you was hiding not telling me and I was getting worried.
I really didn’t think that it was worth being this big a deal and wanted to resolve things.
People may think otherwise but honestly all I ever do is to try and resolve things, it makes it easier and better for everyone.
You was cold.
I had never seen you behave so cold.
Ever.
Saturday came and it was the first ever Saturday I had had without the kids since moving in and it was a great chance to talk and try and resolve things.
You finshed work at 5pm on a Saturday but for whatever reason you chose to stay on and not speak to me until half 7 almost 8.
You couldn’t look at me you was just looking at the floor and having cig after cig.
Saying words and not finishing the sentences.
I had seen this look before on my children when they knew they had done something wrong but there wasn’t really anything that big.
I didn’t want you to feel bad.
I just was confused.
You looked so pale and unwell it was unsettling.
You was saying words like ‘look’ and ‘and..’ ‘maybe’ and not really saying much at all, whilst the steam from your cup of tea was floating off into the garden.
I asked you if you didn’t want to talk or see me anymore, and you said ‘oh no of course not its not that’ and then started talking about having a sched.
You said that you wasn’t happy with my reaction in the week and I upset you coming too see you before work. I apologised.
Next thing we went to the bar where you had first come to see me after a poetry night that had finished.
It made me think so much that in the beginning you did the exact same thing to me you came to see me with no notice, you contacted me and came round and you was persuing me.
I did not act the way that you was.
It didn’t stop you continuing the night and continuing to have drinks with me and a laugh and tell me how nice I looked and how lucky you thought you was.
It didn’t stop you taking me across the road into another bar and continue to talk to me for another 3 hours.
We was in Pave and we spoke about your parents your family.
We spoke about your experiance at university.
We spoke about christmas and we spoke about what your family may have thought about us talking and you was happy and you said that they would be happy and it would have been nice for me to meet them.
You told me in such great detail about the things that you had been though.
We then spoke about filming and films you had been involved in making and ones that you wanted to do.
I told you about the book that I was writing and you told me about what you was writing and that you seeing me write made you want to grow that passion again.
Your phone died and you kept hinting.
I didnt know what you was on about.
You went off to the toilet and I glared down at my phone and saw the message.
YOU said that you was having such an amazing night.
Last orders.
…
Sainsbury’s was shut and its never shut so we went to the garage because we wanted more cigs.
I hadn’t really eaten much so I got drunk a little bit easier than normal.
…..
We got back to mine and I put some music on I said that we never got chance to dance at spiders that night and maybe we should try it again sometime.
I may have been drunk but I remember everything.
You didn’t want to talk you was all affectionate.
Sunday.
You took me to F&B we had a meal and it was a rip off, I did try and pre-warn you but it felt like you wanted to treat me or spend time with me maybe.
We was umming and arring about what we should do as we was hanging a little bit from the pub drinking.
It was 3pm and you was grumpy tired and you started to stop looking at me again. I felt unhappy even though it had been so nice talking and everything.
…
It was 3pm and you started going on about needing to use the laundrette and that you needed to go home and get some sleep so I said sure whatever it takes for you to go and be ok.
My feelings was never considered in your scenarios, you went home and you didn’t message me.
…
It was Monday and I didn’t hear anything, you didn’t mention the weekend and you didn’t ask if I was ok.
…
It was Tuesday and I just started saying to friends that I think its done because I hadn’t had converstaion with you.
…
It was Wednesday and you said that you could come over after work to talk but it would have been late and I had a massive stone inside my stomach that was stopping me from eating thinking and sleeping. I didn’t want to accept that maybe you had used me over the weekend.
…
It was Thursday and people started asking questions and asking if I was sure and I didnt know what to tell anyone.
…
It was Friday.
…
It was Saturday
Sunday
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
It was Friday.
Lettersyoullneversee
·
November 6, 2019
·
I was anxious, Lettersyoullneversee, Him, My Only, notebook
·
2019, anxietypoetry, breakup, creativewriting, Depressed, depression, femalephotographer, femalepoet, happypoem, imwriting, Kingston-upon-Hull, Kingstonuponhull, missyou, pleasure, published, publishedwriter, renting, romance, romantic, ryhme, sad, safe, sand, Selfpublish, selfworth, sense, sex, Share, thankyou, time, torn, touch, truelove, twitter, urban, urbex, videos, vss365, vssbook, vsspoem, wanderlust, warrior, woman, Wordpress, wordpresscommunity, write, writer, writers, writerscommunity, writing, Yorkshire poet, yorkshirepoet, youmatter, youtube, zombies
I open my eyes and I see your eyes.
Blue, velvet. I fucking love you, the windows open and the curtains are swaying in the breeze. It couldn’t be any better laying with you, there’s trees outside the window, there’s a planet we can fall in love with. But we don’t need that because we can just lay here and be in the moment, beautiful.
You maybe an adult with age but you are a child at heart and it breaks me in half, that I can’t rescue you from yourself. You can blame others for all the issues in your life but it won’t help you.
You lay there and close your eyes again, they shut slowly and you say no words, I push my hand through your hair, naked I walk out of the bed and towards the shower. I wasn’t calling you over but you came along anyway. I love holding you it feels like we are somewhere else we are safe we are away from the problems.
Problems.
We had no problems.
I was carrying your baby, and you was so excited, I wasn’t so much so at that point. You was talking to me about how amazing it was going to be, we hadn’t been planing. I had been grieving so hard. I had been drinking so much, leaving uni at 3am in the dark. With no one to be with, hours of writing. Because of the funeral, I had to take resits.
I had to walk past the reminder every evening, would it of fucking hurt to say sorry?
We fucking worked that bedroom the neighbour’s where probably pissed by now, sat in their blow up paddling pools, smoking weed.
Why do people do that?
The people across the way have had a broken fridge outside the front for months, and now they’ve added a broken bbq. Do they not know that there is a skip about 4 miles from here?
Why do people do that?
Problems we had no problems.
The hospital called they said that there was a decline in my hormones, all them aches and pains wasn’t imagined.
I grabbed the hammer and smashed the phone to pieces.
There’s so much blood, is there supposed to be this much?
I keep climbing in the bath is that supposed to make it go?
How long am I supposed to sit here.
If I hear another ‘are you ok?’, I will fucking scream. Hearing you talk about how it happends to 1 in 4 women is not making the situation any easier. Being ok in a couple of months, theres always time, is not what is on my mind.
I needed a friend. I needed a family member, I needed someone.
I lay there, you talk to me and I have no words to say, I just stare at the window with the curtains swaying, not as beautiful as they was in the morning.
I blame the house, I blame myself, my stupid body.
Problems, we had none.
Lettersyoullneversee
·
November 4, 2019
·
Lettersyoullneversee, Him, My Only
·
blogger, bloggers, creativewriting, facebook, fate, feature, feelings, follower, followme, forever, freedom, freestyle, friends, goodbye, happypoem, heartbreak, heartbroken, Him, hold, home, hope, Hornsea, horrible, hugs, Hull, Hurt, I love you, important, imwriting, indie, inlove, Instagram, journal, journalism, karma, kind, Kingston-upon-Hull, kiss, law, letters, Lettersyoullneversee, like, lilyth, lovepoem, lovepoetry, lovestory, Loveyou, medicine, Menntalhealthmatters, mentalabuse, mentalhealth, mentalhealthmatters, Metoo, micropoetry, mind, publishedwriter, Reblog, Songwriter, spokenword, stories, subscribe, summer, twitter, videos, vss365, vsspoem, wanderlust, Wordpressblog, writer, writerscommunity, Yorkshire poet, yorkshirepoet, youmatter, youtube
It’s a typical rainy cold Monday in November. The roads are manic and the streets are full of students, mothers with prams and rain covers, shopping bags attached to prams bashing and bumping about. The homeless man on the corner of Newland sat with bin bags protecting him from the rain.
The bus was really hectic today people coughing and spluttering and they where wiping there hands all over the handles of the chairs, damn it, would someone please attach hand sanitation to this place?
The last thing I want is to catch another bug or illness, I am now playing catch up at uni and its really stressful.
Last month they gave me morphine at hospital for stomach upset, you wouldn’t know because you wasn’t there, my god I wish someone I knew was there with me. I was in a very terrible pity party situation. So much had been happening in such a short space of time. It was really hard to catch my breath, the panic attacks where back again.
That was my breaking point, that was my fall, I was so close to just begging them to take me in. I wasn’t coping I wasn’t myself. And my stomach was huting so much it reminded me of the surgery the urgency I was in back then.
My puke was bright blue from the scan they did to check my organs. Thankfully it wasn’t an ectopic pregnancy, or twisted ovary like they suspected. He said he was sure, he thought, he said, it was 50/50, could be my appendix or my ovary.
They where wrong.
It was nothing and i’m fine.
Thankfully.
Doesn’t explain the pain though.
I am so thankful that my best friend that I actually met via the internet on Instagram was on the other end of the internet that evening. She sent her friend to come and sit with me and that was amazing, at last I wasn’t alone I had someone to talk to, and that we did. We spoke about so many things, whilst I waited 7 hours in the corridor double bent over or sat in the wheel chair.
There was a couple. They was really kind to me amazing. Strange but they was lovely. They had a busy, and different kind of life to the norm. Or maybe it was the norm and mine was just significantly different.
They came into A and E because he was walking down to his local offie (off-licence) then he had a huge cough and WHAM he was in so much pain down his right side he was struggling to move. He was in agony. I mean they did talk a lot about wanting to get home and have a spliff and a drink which was a little awkward. They have family that own a fair ground ride at Hull Fair and he let his kids go on and his kids friends on for free.
They really made my evening, and you wasn’t there. It was just another example of how I could survive without you.
I started to feel this way when I left home.
Similar but different.
I remember when I was able to boil pasta and cook something other than a pot noodle and beans on toast at 16. I taught myself and that was really pretty lonely to be honest. I defiantly want to add that to my mothering skills. 1. Make sure I teach the children how to cook.
I had been crying for so long I got myself in such a state, no friends where around to help no one was able to see me for whatever reasons. Maybe I make it hard for people to see me and communicate, maybe I don’t even know that I do this.
Just promise me you wont return anytime soon because I am starting to enjoy life without you. Even though you have destroyed what confidence I built up with my girlfriends over the summer, I am actually quite enjoying looking at people and thinking about them. What did they get up to this morning? was they squashed between an old man and a pram and some shopping bags, or where they sat in a comfy white car with you that smelt of stale piss.
I think I had actually made a friend at University, at last. But I better not let them get too close, or they will find out how much of an anxious freak I am.
My life is changing and adapting and almost better than it was. There is just this one thing.
A cycle of something I really don’t want to be in.
But for now, I don’t hate Mondays.
Lettersyoullneversee
·
November 3, 2019
·
Lettersyoullneversee, notebook, Elder, No Place
·
18only, 2019, abandonedhouses, adult, adultcontent, always, anxiety, anxietypoetry, authors, authorscomunity, awareness, ❤️, Depressed, depression, domesticabuse, domesticabuseawareness, femalepoet, followme, forgotton, freedom, freestyle, friends, happypoen, Help, Life, live, lovepoetry, Menntalhealthmatters, mentalabuse, mentalhealth, micropoetry, poems, poetryanxiety, poetrycommunity, poetryforhim, story, vsspoem, women, Yorkshire poet, yorkshirepoet
I was at court that morning to get my little girl home, she was a train journey away from me. I was only 17 and I was going out of my mind, I was losing weight, I couldn’t eat.
Constantly worried about her and what was going on when I wasn’t there. He was only supposed to have her a weekend but he got angry lost control and didn’t return her for a week, didn’t text me to tell me what was happening. I had no choice but to call the police and find out what I could do, this man had been mentally abusing me since I was 15 and attacking me, shoving me, showing me his fist, throughout the whole pregnancy and relationship. It was bad, really bad.
I had no one on my side, my mum didn’t believe me my own father had abandoned me, everyone would say its nothing or think I was making it up. I had one friend when I was pregnant who I don’t talk to now haven’t for 7 years, saw how he was first hand. She was a local hairdresser, it was one of the only places I could go to. I was controlled a great deal and I started to talk about the truths behind closed doors with her, he hated that, I had a friend to slowly confine in and slowly stopped me seeing her too.
I remember when I said I didn’t agree with something and he threatened to put my head through a car window. He said if he even caught me having a cig he would force a full packet down my throat and make me swallow them. I remember him saying one time I needed to be awake when he returned home because he would need sex. There where so many strange remarks and things said but at first never seemed as bad or dangerous.
It wasn’t until 2015 that controlling and coercive behaviour became a new law. Unfortunatly, I was in 2012 and mental abuse in relationships wasn’t really as recognised as it is today.
You never climb into a taxi thinking you will get attacked or mugged, you assume you will be safe. Just the same as you never enter a relationship thinking you will be hurt, and I don’t care what anyone says, mental abuse is extremely damaging.
Not something you can completely erase from your memory.
People assumed because I was young, and had a child, I was stupid. In fact I was the one who seeked a solicitor in the first place to arrange contact arrangements, as I couldn’t cope with doing them on my own without the support and structure. I was studying Law as an A Level and I was learning a huge deal about family law, my teacher happened to be an ex lawyer and would guide me in the right direction if I needed any answers.
My solicitor was sloppy, and the case was terrible. In the end it was the, social services and police that supported me and made sure that things where as safe and normal as possible.
She came back home safe, it was hard to think I let her go. As a mother I have a duty to ensure she is always safe always clean, fed, happy healthy.
Times where hard I was young, college student trying to better my life, yet, the state made it harder for me to do this, and simply designed it in a way where it was difficult to come away from it. There is still little support for parents who study, young people from my experience.
I enjoyed being a single parent at that point, it was fun and although I had the critisims daily and the bad mouthing the horrible comments.
As I have got older it’s just made me think that those people where so bitter and twisted and how sad of a world it is for them, that that’s how they thought and acted.
Judgments from people who had no idea the journey I had gone through or anything at all about me.
I was just automatically brushed as a slut for having her at a young age.
I didn’t think that years and years later I would get these terrible flashbacks, of being pushed onto the mattress on the floor whilst 5 months pregnant.
Pushed and shoved up against walls, if I fell asleep even towards the end of the pregnancy, he would force me awake, he didn’t like me asleep.
There are things I have seen and I have felt and places I have been in situations I have been in I wouldn’t wish my worst enemy to be in.
The further away I got from these bad places I felt as if I had been reborn and given a new life.
Lettersyoullneversee
·
November 2, 2019
·
Him, My Only
·
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Someone I thought I knew,
Looked and sounded the same as you,
Someone I thought I knew,
even had the same hair type too,
I turn my head I shake, I shake,
I call out your name by mistake,
These illusions,
causing confusing,
Someone I thought I knew.
Looked and sounded just like you.
Lettersyoullneversee
·
November 2, 2019
·
notebook
·
anxietypoetry, creativewriting, imwriting, lovepoem, lovepoetry, micropoetry, poe, poetryanxiety, poetrycommunity, poetryforhim, publishedwriter, vsspoem, writerscommunity, writing, Yorkshire poet, yorkshirepoet
Lettersyoullneversee
·
October 30, 2019
·
Lettersyoullneversee, Him, My Only
·
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So, I can’t remember precisely how many days have gone. Weeks have passed, maybe it’s not that many.
Almost 2 months maybe, time became less important it just happened I know I don’t have control over it so it just carry’s on happening.
It’s almost Halloween and I even ordered a stupid corset, incase we all did go out as a group, it arrived a month ago, I havent even tried it on, I didn’t see the point. I haven’t bothered with decorations baking this year, because I just feel as though my spirits have been dropped.
So much so I don’t think I will even bother buying Christmas decorations I don’t have a tree or anything it was left behind in the house I left. I know I know it’s for the kids.
I’ve moved 3 times this year it’s been difficult. So when you mentioned looking for a bigger house it threw me off. Another grand gesture, I got my head round it then in the last week or so you sort of just slowly stopped talking to me and that’s the point where we are at.
My mum believes there’s no reasoning to it, that your a coward and perhaps it’s because you wasn’t interested after all.
I think there’s more to it but maybe that’s because I partly blame myself for most things.
It probably didn’t help that I deleted you but my logic was it would trigger you to call me or something.
Nothing happened, I have sent messages but you just ignore me. I know your around because of the other things that happened shortly after and you was talking to my friend. But why couldn’t you talk to me?
My theory is your scared, don’t give a fuck, couldn’t careless, there’s another woman involved, you moved on immediately or I imagined the whole thing.
The thing is the truth always comes out, always and everyone is a liar.
You may not be surprised to learn but I am. I was going into this with my head straight. Why I asked questions like what we wanted, and little bits of future. I didn’t think you was a liar and I still dont think you are but I have nothing nothing at all to believe otherwise.
That’s why I’m stuck. Completely stuck. I keep moving forward but you hold me back unintentionally, with out knowing.
We had more good days then bad infact we only had one bad day , ok maybe two. But bad days are bound to happen. I was prepared to make things work I was prepared, I listened, I was there.
But there was something else?
Or someone else?
I’m sorry
Lettersyoullneversee
·
October 29, 2019
·
Lettersyoullneversee, Him, My Only
·
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I’ve written almost 4 thousand words in 24 hours about utter fucking nonsense.
Maybe, perhaps.
The thing is when you attach your heart to something you invest. You go the extra mile, you brush your teeth, you dye your hair to get rid of horrible red bits shining through, you bite your nails off, you hack and cut away at your pubes and make sure your legs are as smooth as seals eyelids.
Make sure that your armpits are clear from hair and eyebrows are plucked and picked in just the right shape.
You make effort, you feel awake, you have purpose.
Problem is I should have felt like this anyway, and what’s the use now when I’m smiling at myself in the mirror and so used to feeling you around me or come up to me. There is just so much that gives me the constant shivers.
The thing is the burger cheese really wasn’t the problem at all. Or the jokes about me being younger, and while I’m at it even the beard wasn’t a problem. Or the fact you told me you loved me but left me with doubt, eating me from the inside perforating through my organs, constant agony, leading my brain to overdrive.
That’s right.
Look, I don’t mind beards I just can’t kiss much of a beard, it feels prickly inside my nostrils and I can’t really snog a beard or maybe, I’m just not woman enough to deal with beards being close to my face. Its personal ok I have an opinion about beards. I’m not ashamed to admit it. Don’t send the beard police on to me.
I doubted them words because the thing is if you truly love someone you don’t leave them hanging, you dont ignore them, you don’t let other things overshadow them.
Maybe you feel bad for telling me and not meaning it.
It’s ok.
I’m dealing with it now. But it does hurt I won’t lie. Little tiny words but they are very powerful and meaningful.
To me.
I love you is a commitment, you never just say it for the sake of saying it?
We was in the nightclub and it was you birthday, I bought you a card the day before saying, ‘with love’ and I kick myself now.
I should have just put I love you but I didn’t want it to make it hard for you to make the choice to leave, if that was what you was planning on doing so in the future.
That’s right I think of everything, I am such an anxious freak. I wish I did buy you a romantic card at least because that’s what you was hoping. However if I did do all these other things differently then it doesn’t mean you would still be here, because that’s not how it works.
The world wanted me to have a different card, the world wanted this.
We’d just shared our phone numbers and you text me after you had been for a drive, about seeing a really beautiful rainbow, and then you apologised because you thought that wasn’t a very masculine thing to say. The thing is it didn’t put me off you, it made me fall for you even more. There is no such thing as being more or less of a man especially in this secnario, you was pointing out the beautiful things in the world, only a very awake person does this.
The thing is you was facing real issues I wanted to enlighten you, I got a card that said age didn’t matter, I know you was all depressed about your age for 2 reasons. I know because I listened to you, but I’m not going to share because again I have respect for you and it’s not my place, even though I have not mentioned your name, in case people guess I don’t want to share.
In spiders nightclub, I think I passed the friends test, whilst you left for a piss for the 3rd time I was stood talking to them.
They had questions, they knew and know nothing about me, even now. Which is a shame because I really liked them. They was kind to me.
The first friend, she was nice, said I looked pretty and you was lucky, she said she was telling her husband not to look at me. I said I would almost certainly think about putting a ring on you, in nice way not a creepy way. That got me an ‘aww…’ She said you was kind and seemed to really like me, and you would be kind and look after me.
The other friends was nice to me caring talkative and the one who made references to me being a child I got my revenge and gave him a lollipop, I was given on the way in.
There was another friend but that was more towards the end of the night. So everyone just got drunk, drank more did the norm. I am still sorry that I think I ruined the night for you.
So what happend?
Well everything was going amazingly and we got a photo and you did a speech on how lucky you felt, you was saying to all your friends and why you was happy and then you looked at me and you said “I am so happy that I am with my girlfriend too…” and you looked at me for a response because it wasn’t really official, and hell yeah I mean this was exciting I wanted this, this is all I wanted for a long time to be treated like I was a girlfriend, to be someone’s other half, to be their one and only and to be by their side to battle any battles that where about to be thrown our way.
So what was the problem then?
Well you was drunk, and I was heading the same direction, you was touchy feely and yeah that was fine. I was on my period so that wasn’t really very fun or birthday inviting. I wasn’t even mad at this, I was falling even more, but the thing was, there was no accomodation for me. Surely, if I was your girlfriend then I would be staying with you going back to yours and surely if I was your girlfriend then we better start thinking more of a plan to see each other a little more often.
I never wanted to get as drunk as I did that night that was not my intention, I hate myself for getting that drunk. Because when your with me and my normal anxious self, normal anxious self plus 8 or 9 alcoholic drinks i’m talking vodkas, shots, whisky, malibu, the added worry of what the fuck was going on you just called me your ‘girlfriend’ in front of the whole entire world, I was freaking out where would I stay, I didn’t know where I was going to sleep.
These moments my new happiest moments of my life and I was destroying them because I couldn’t help but get upset.
Issue is I am not good enough, for you, for anyone and your realised this and maybe that’s a reason that your not here anymore.
I went straight into the bathroom and just cried.
That’s right I wanted to contain myself, it was a secret that I was so upset I didn’t want you to see me this upset it was your fucking birthday and everyone else around me is watching me, I dont go to night clubs im a single mum of kids. I don’t have adult experiance of how to interact, I haven’t been called someone’s girlfriend, that doesn’t happen. Months I had been so depressed I didn’t know how much longer I could go on and now I had finally found someone who was like me in so many ways, you even like marmite, now that’s a fucking rarity.
I could not hide, you saw me sad and you knew I was sad and you and your friends passed me water, this was not just the alcohol this was me.
I was so depressed, I was mentally destroying myself telling myself over and over. Just leave he won’t put up with you, your not good enough, end it all whilst your happy. You’ve thought of these plans you’ve been thinking it for months whilst you was in that shitty tiny house with no internet, you have been thinking it. Don’t let this moment of happiness stop you from ending it all.
This is what I was telling myself, but back home my girl friends where keeping me going, they gave me the reasurance I needed, they was there for me at my lowest.
At least if I lose this guy I will always have my girl friends. I don’t need a man to be happy or feel happiness, that is the golden rule.
But you was different.
Lettersyoullneversee
I was anxious-part 19-It was Friday
Lettersyoullneversee · November 8, 2019 · I was anxious, Him, My Only · 18only, 2019, 31days, 31daysofletters, 5star, abandoned, abandonedhouses, abandonedphotography, adult, adultcontent, always, amazon, anxiety, anxietypoetry, art, austerity, author, authors, authorscomunity, award, awareness, ❤️, beauty, believer, benefits, bestseller, blog, blogger, bloggers, blogging, book, breaking news, breakup, budget, burning, bye, cheat, City, citylife, comeback, comehome, comment, community, community local, community+friends, Consent, creative, creativewriting, Creator, crisis, cry, dad, dads, dark, day, deardiary, Depressed, depression, derelict, desire, destiny, diary, disire, distance, domesticabuse, domesticabuseawareness, download, drama, dream, dreams, drinking, earth, emo, emotion, endofworld, english, enjoy, erotic, eternity, evening, explore, facebook, fate, fear, feature, feelings, femalephotographer, femalepoet, feminism, feminist, fighter, fineart, fire, follow, follow me, follower, followme, forever, forgotten, forgotton, freedom, freestyle, friends, girls, gone, goodbye, goth, graffiti, happypoem, happypoen, health, hearbreak, heart, heartbreak, heartbroken, Help, her, Him, hold, holiday, home, hope, Hornsea, horrible, hugs, Hull, humour, Hurt, I love you, iloveyou, important, imwriting, indie, inlove, Instagram, joke, journal, journalism, karma, kind, Kingston-upon-Hull, Kingstonuponhull, kiss, law, letters, Lettersyoullneversee, Life, like, lilyth, lips, live, lordline, loss, lost, love, lovepoem, lovepoetry, lovestory, Loveyou, lust, me, medical, medicine, Menntalhealthmatters, mental health, mentalabuse, mentalhealth, mentalhealthmatters, Metoo, micropoetry, mind, miss you, missyou, modern, mood, moon, mum, need, newbook, News, nofilter, official, openmic, opinion, original, pain, parent, passion, peace, people, performance, photo, photographer, photography, pleasure, po, poe, poem, poems, poerty, poet, poetry, poetryanxiety, poetrycommunity, poetrycomunity, poetryforhim, politics, popular, post, postnatal, pray, pregnancy, pressthis, prestonroad, privatelaw, project, publish, published, publishedwriter, rap, read, reading, readme, reality, Reblog, relationships, renting, romance, romantic, ryhme, sad, safe, sand, script, sea, Selfpublish, selfworth, sense, sex, Share, sharing, she, shortstory, silence, Singlemum, smell, smile, songs, Songwriter, soul, speechless, Spirit, spokenword, stars, stories, story, student, subscribe, summer, sun, taste, tears, tease, teen, teenagepoems, thankyou, thea, theater, time, torn, touch, truelove, twitter, uk, urban, urbex, videos, vss365, vssbook, vsspoem, wanderlust, war, warrior, we, woman, women, word, Wordpress, Wordpressblog, wordpresscommunity, world, wr, write, writer, writers, writerscommunity, writing, Yorkshire poet, yorkshirepoet, you, youmatter, youtube, zombies · No Comments
It was Friday and you had been let down again from seeing the girls.
We managed to get over most of the hurdles we faced during the middle.
We spoke a bit more and we was on a good page with one another.
I wanted to surprise you treat you.
We was both wearing jumpers that looked the same which made me giggle, we was alike and it was nice.
I like being around people who are alike and can relate.
You had no idea but I wanted to get out of the house, things where getting you down and I could tell.
So we went out for dinner and I bought you whatever you fancied.
You was telling me about the foods you liked and enjoyed and said you would show me how to cook them and could make my own versions I wanted to make, for what I was able to eat.
Fridays where strange you finished earlier on a Friday then what you would on a Wednesday and Thursday.
You would remind me this every week.
I tried to cheer you up help you understand that it probably isn’t personal at all and you kept telling me how worried you was that maybe the kids wouldnt want to know you the older they became.
I said that wouldn’t be likely and that kids that age like seeing their friends and not hanging out with their parents.
It meant alot to you and I respected that and you agreed to just try and keep communicating.
You was proud that you was able to maintain a mutural set up with you ex said that you knew that to some people would think that was really weird but I didnt think that.
Not when kids are involved and if it was ended on a basis where you both came to agreements with things then that’s really positive and I think that if people can put their differences aside it makes it easier for everyone.
Life is too short to be arguing all the time and making things difficult for one another.
Why was I any different?
I was the meaningless jigsaw piece.
Maybe it was because we wasn’t talking for a massive amount of time but it felt like I had known you for years. I felt like we just clicked, I couldn’t have imagined anything like this ever happening.
At the very worst I would have thought we would have been friends.
The further I come from this, the more time alone I have, the less it feels like that was even my life.
Its strange it feels now like a wandering dream.
Unreal.
People keep bringing up your name and I really don’t know what to say, there are so many things that I don’t know.
I hold my hands up and I apologise, I ask what it was that I did and you never reply.
People say that, that’s because you don’t want to know and the quicker I notice this the easier and better the outcome will be for me.
Maybe something awful happened maybe something happened that you cant tell me about, maybe the truth is you are back with your ex and that’s why you said that people thought it was weird.
Maybe someone said something about me or maybe someone said that I said something about you.
Maybe your sick, or maybe my reaction to you calling me your ex’s name really did piss you off.
Maybe the poem following that pissed you off, maybe you thought some poems I shared where about you.
I’m not sure. I’m not certain.
As I said before in the other parts we never had a row, we didn’t have an argument and it was all left on a really bizzare note.
It was Tuesday and you came over after work you was a bit grumpy as was I and I felt really off unwell, it wasn’t you I was just tired from the school runs after school and starting university.
Maybe you felt that because I was at University that we had different paths, but really that wasn’t your choice to make.
You made choices that week that I didn’t understand and choices I made you didn’t understand.
…
It was Wednesday and you offered to help with the school runs it was fine. But then that’s when you called me your ex’s name.
Nothing was said about it in the moment. I was in shock because it was a little bit random and first thing, but I just said I needed to think about it I never said I was angry.
I said I needed some space and maybe see you at the weekend since you work late on Wednesdays and Thursdays.
To you this was overreacting, to me it was having time to think about it.
For both of us.
It was Thursday and I hadn’t really heard from you from the Wednesday morning, you used to ask if you could call me, you would text me every 8am saying hey with a waving emoji and say good morning.
All of this was dissolving.
…
I needed to do something in town and you work in town and I thought it would have been nice to say hello and surprise you.
You didn’t like this you didn’t let me in and you told me there and then abruptly that you did not like surprises.
I couldn’t look at you.
I felt like there was something you was hiding not telling me and I was getting worried.
I really didn’t think that it was worth being this big a deal and wanted to resolve things.
People may think otherwise but honestly all I ever do is to try and resolve things, it makes it easier and better for everyone.
You was cold.
I had never seen you behave so cold.
Ever.
Saturday came and it was the first ever Saturday I had had without the kids since moving in and it was a great chance to talk and try and resolve things.
You finshed work at 5pm on a Saturday but for whatever reason you chose to stay on and not speak to me until half 7 almost 8.
You couldn’t look at me you was just looking at the floor and having cig after cig.
Saying words and not finishing the sentences.
I had seen this look before on my children when they knew they had done something wrong but there wasn’t really anything that big.
I didn’t want you to feel bad.
I just was confused.
You looked so pale and unwell it was unsettling.
You was saying words like ‘look’ and ‘and..’ ‘maybe’ and not really saying much at all, whilst the steam from your cup of tea was floating off into the garden.
I asked you if you didn’t want to talk or see me anymore, and you said ‘oh no of course not its not that’ and then started talking about having a sched.
You said that you wasn’t happy with my reaction in the week and I upset you coming too see you before work. I apologised.
Next thing we went to the bar where you had first come to see me after a poetry night that had finished.
It made me think so much that in the beginning you did the exact same thing to me you came to see me with no notice, you contacted me and came round and you was persuing me.
I did not act the way that you was.
It didn’t stop you continuing the night and continuing to have drinks with me and a laugh and tell me how nice I looked and how lucky you thought you was.
It didn’t stop you taking me across the road into another bar and continue to talk to me for another 3 hours.
We was in Pave and we spoke about your parents your family.
We spoke about your experiance at university.
We spoke about christmas and we spoke about what your family may have thought about us talking and you was happy and you said that they would be happy and it would have been nice for me to meet them.
You told me in such great detail about the things that you had been though.
We then spoke about filming and films you had been involved in making and ones that you wanted to do.
I told you about the book that I was writing and you told me about what you was writing and that you seeing me write made you want to grow that passion again.
Your phone died and you kept hinting.
I didnt know what you was on about.
You went off to the toilet and I glared down at my phone and saw the message.
YOU said that you was having such an amazing night.
Last orders.
…
Sainsbury’s was shut and its never shut so we went to the garage because we wanted more cigs.
I hadn’t really eaten much so I got drunk a little bit easier than normal.
…..
We got back to mine and I put some music on I said that we never got chance to dance at spiders that night and maybe we should try it again sometime.
I may have been drunk but I remember everything.
You didn’t want to talk you was all affectionate.
You took me to F&B we had a meal and it was a rip off, I did try and pre-warn you but it felt like you wanted to treat me or spend time with me maybe.
We was umming and arring about what we should do as we was hanging a little bit from the pub drinking.
It was 3pm and you was grumpy tired and you started to stop looking at me again. I felt unhappy even though it had been so nice talking and everything.
…
It was 3pm and you started going on about needing to use the laundrette and that you needed to go home and get some sleep so I said sure whatever it takes for you to go and be ok.
My feelings was never considered in your scenarios, you went home and you didn’t message me.
…
…
…
…
…
…
It was Saturday
Sunday
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday