war

I was anxious – part 24 – the end

You’ll be glad to read that I’m almost at the end of the I was anxious series.

With me you have seen my vision of what I thought was a truely great blossoming relationship turn into nothing.

People are amazing actors, and its cruel for some of us who believe there is kindness in many and most to learn that is not always the truth.

Like I said before because of the situation and circumstance it would have been nice to hear your story, your opinion, you haven’t said a word.

At the very worst even civil friendship for the sake of the friendship group we had formed.

But whatever.

Your loss. Right?

My conscious is clear I apologised to you,I tried to reach out and speak about stuff and you ignored me.

I was anxious-part 19-It was Friday

It was Friday and you had been let down again from seeing the girls.

We managed to get over most of the hurdles we faced during the middle.

We spoke a bit more and we was on a good page with one another.

I wanted to surprise you treat you.

We was both wearing jumpers that looked the same which made me giggle, we was alike and it was nice.

I like being around people who are alike and can relate.

You had no idea but I wanted to get out of the house, things where getting you down and I could tell.

So we went out for dinner and I bought you whatever you fancied.

You was telling me about the foods you liked and enjoyed and said you would show me how to cook them and could make my own versions I wanted to make, for what I was able to eat.

Fridays where strange you finished earlier on a Friday then what you would on a Wednesday and Thursday.

You would remind me this every week.

I tried to cheer you up help you understand that it probably isn’t personal at all and you kept telling me how worried you was that maybe the kids wouldnt want to know you the older they became.

I said that wouldn’t be likely and that kids that age like seeing their friends and not hanging out with their parents.

It meant alot to you and I respected that and you agreed to just try and keep communicating.

You was proud that you was able to maintain a mutural set up with you ex said that you knew that to some people would think that was really weird but I didnt think that.

Not when kids are involved and if it was ended on a basis where you both came to agreements with things then that’s really positive and I think that if people can put their differences aside it makes it easier for everyone.

Life is too short to be arguing all the time and making things difficult for one another.

Why was I any different?

I was the meaningless jigsaw piece.

Maybe it was because we wasn’t talking for a massive amount of time but it felt like I had known you for years. I felt like we just clicked, I couldn’t have imagined anything like this ever happening.

At the very worst I would have thought we would have been friends.

The further I come from this, the more time alone I have, the less it feels like that was even my life.

Its strange it feels now like a wandering dream.

Unreal.

People keep bringing up your name and I really don’t know what to say, there are so many things that I don’t know.

I hold my hands up and I apologise, I ask what it was that I did and you never reply. 

People say that, that’s because you don’t want to know and the quicker I notice this the easier and better the outcome will be for me.

Maybe something awful happened maybe something happened that you cant tell me about, maybe the truth is you are back with your ex and that’s why you said that people thought it was weird.

Maybe someone said something about me or maybe someone said that I said something about you.

Maybe your sick, or maybe my reaction to you calling me your ex’s name really did piss you off.

Maybe the poem following that pissed you off, maybe you thought some poems I shared where about you.

I’m not sure. I’m not certain.

As I said before in the other parts we never had a row, we didn’t have an argument and it was all left on a really bizzare note.

It was Tuesday and you came over after work you was a bit grumpy as was I and I felt really off unwell, it wasn’t you I was just tired from the school runs after school and starting university.

Maybe you felt that because I was at University that we had different paths, but really that wasn’t your choice to make.

You made choices that week that I didn’t understand and choices I made you didn’t understand.

It was Wednesday and you offered to help with the school runs it was fine. But then that’s when you called me your ex’s name.

Nothing was said about it in the moment. I was in shock because it was a little bit random and first thing, but I just said I needed to think about it I never said I was angry.

I said I needed some space and maybe see you at the weekend since you work late on Wednesdays and Thursdays.

To you this was overreacting, to me it was having time to think about it.

For both of us.

It was Thursday and I hadn’t really heard from you from the Wednesday morning, you used to ask if you could call me, you would text me every 8am saying hey with a waving emoji and say good morning.

All of this was dissolving. 

I needed to do something in town and you work in  town and I thought it would have been nice to say hello and surprise you.

You didn’t like this you didn’t let me in and you  told me there and then abruptly that you did not like surprises.

I couldn’t look at you.

I felt like there was something you was hiding not telling me and I was getting worried.

I really didn’t think that it was worth being this big a deal and wanted to resolve things.

People may think otherwise but honestly all I ever do is to try and resolve things, it makes it easier and better for everyone.

You was cold.

I had never seen you behave so cold.

Ever.

Saturday came and it was the first ever Saturday I had had without the kids since moving in and it was a great chance to talk and try and resolve things.

You finshed work at 5pm on a Saturday but for whatever reason you chose to stay on and not speak to me until half 7 almost 8.

You couldn’t look at me you was just looking at the floor and having cig after cig.

Saying words and not finishing the sentences.

I had seen this look before on my children when they knew they had done something wrong but there wasn’t really anything that big.

I didn’t want you to feel bad.

I just was confused.

You looked so pale and unwell it was unsettling.

You was saying words like ‘look’ and ‘and..’ ‘maybe’ and not really saying much at all, whilst the steam from your cup of tea was floating off into the garden.

I asked you if you didn’t want to talk or see me anymore, and you said ‘oh no of course not its not that’ and then started talking about having a sched.

You said that you wasn’t happy with my reaction in the week and I upset you  coming too see you before work. I apologised.

Next thing we went to the bar where you had first come to see me after a poetry night that had finished.

It made me think so much that in the beginning  you did the exact same thing to me you came to see me with no notice, you contacted me and came round and you was persuing me.

I did not act the way that you was.

It didn’t stop you continuing the night and continuing to have drinks with me and a laugh and tell me how nice I looked and how lucky you thought you was.

It didn’t stop you taking me across the road into another bar and continue to talk to me for another 3 hours.

We was in Pave and we spoke about your parents your family.

We spoke about your experiance at university.

We spoke about christmas and we spoke about what your family may have thought about us talking and you was happy and you said that they would be happy and it would have been nice for me to meet them.

You told me in such great detail about the things that you had been though.

We then spoke about filming and films you had been involved in making and ones that you wanted to do.

I told you about the book that I was writing and you told me about what you was writing and that you seeing me write made you want to grow that passion again. 

Your phone died and you kept hinting.

I didnt know what you was on about.

You went off to the toilet and I glared down at my phone and saw the message.

YOU said that you was having such an amazing night.

Last orders.

Sainsbury’s was shut  and its never shut so we went to the garage because we wanted more cigs.

I hadn’t really eaten much so I got drunk a little bit easier than normal.

…..

We got back to mine and I put some music on I said that we never got chance to dance at spiders that night and maybe we should try it again sometime.

I may have been drunk but I remember everything.

You didn’t want to talk you was all affectionate.

Sunday.

You took me to F&B we had a meal and it was a rip off, I did try and pre-warn you but it felt like you wanted to treat me or spend time with me maybe.

We was umming and arring about what we should do as we was hanging a little bit from the pub drinking.

It was 3pm and you was grumpy tired and you started to stop looking at me again. I felt unhappy even though it had been so nice talking and everything.

It was 3pm and you started going on about needing to use the laundrette and that you needed to go home and get some sleep so I said sure whatever it takes for you to go and be ok.

My feelings was never considered in your scenarios, you went home and you didn’t message me.

It was Monday and I didn’t hear anything, you didn’t mention the weekend and you didn’t ask if I was ok.

It was Tuesday and I just started saying to friends that I think its done because I hadn’t had  converstaion with you.

It was Wednesday and you said that you could come over after work to talk but it would have been late and I had a massive stone inside my stomach that was stopping me from eating thinking and sleeping. I didn’t want to accept that maybe you had used me over the weekend.

It was Thursday and people started asking questions and asking if I was sure and I didnt know what to tell anyone.

It was Friday.

It was Saturday

Sunday

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

It was Friday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was anxious- part 5

I’ve written almost 4 thousand words in 24 hours about utter fucking nonsense.

Maybe, perhaps.

The thing is when you attach your heart to something you invest. You go the extra mile, you brush your teeth, you dye your hair to get rid of horrible red bits shining through, you bite your nails off, you hack and cut away at your pubes and make sure your legs are as smooth as seals eyelids.

Make sure that your armpits are clear from hair and eyebrows are plucked and picked in just the right shape.

You make effort, you feel awake, you have purpose.

Problem is I should have felt like this anyway, and what’s the use now when I’m smiling at myself in the mirror and so used to feeling you around me or come up to me. There is just so much that gives me the constant shivers.

The thing is the burger cheese really wasn’t the problem at all. Or the jokes about me being younger, and while I’m at it even the beard wasn’t a problem. Or the fact you told me you loved me but left me with doubt, eating me from the inside perforating through my organs, constant agony, leading my brain to overdrive.

That’s right.

Look, I don’t mind beards I just can’t kiss much of a beard, it feels prickly inside my nostrils and I can’t really snog a beard or maybe, I’m just not woman enough to deal with beards being close to my face. Its personal ok I have an opinion about beards. I’m not ashamed to admit it. Don’t send the beard police on to me.

I doubted them words because the thing is if you truly love someone you don’t leave them hanging, you dont ignore them, you don’t let other things overshadow them.

Maybe you feel bad for telling me and not meaning it.

It’s ok.

I’m dealing with it now. But it does hurt I won’t lie. Little tiny words but they are very powerful and meaningful.

To me.

I love you is a commitment, you never just say it for the sake of saying it?

We was in the nightclub and it was you birthday, I bought you a card the day before saying, ‘with love’ and I kick myself now.

I should have just put I love you but I didn’t want it to make it hard for you to make the choice to leave, if that was what you was planning on doing so in the future.

That’s right I think of everything, I am such an anxious freak. I wish I did buy you a romantic card at least because that’s what you was hoping. However if I did do all these other things differently then it doesn’t mean you would still be here, because that’s not how it works.

The world wanted me to have a different card, the world wanted this.

We’d just shared our phone numbers and you text me after you had been for a drive, about seeing a really beautiful rainbow, and then you apologised because you thought that wasn’t a very masculine thing to say. The thing is it didn’t put me off you, it made me fall for you even more. There is no such thing as being more or less of a man especially in this secnario, you was pointing out the beautiful things in the world, only a very awake person does this.

The thing is you was facing real issues I wanted to enlighten you, I got a card that said age didn’t matter, I know you was all depressed about your age for 2 reasons. I know because I listened to you, but I’m not going to share because again I have respect for you and it’s not my place, even though I have not mentioned your name, in case people guess I don’t want to share.

In spiders nightclub, I think I passed the friends test, whilst you left for a piss for the 3rd time I was stood talking to them.

They had questions, they knew and know nothing about me, even now. Which is a shame because I really liked them. They was kind to me.

The first friend, she was nice, said I looked pretty and you was lucky, she said she was telling her husband not to look at me. I said I would almost certainly think about putting a ring on you, in nice way not a creepy way. That got me an ‘aww…’ She said you was kind and seemed to really like me, and you would be kind and look after me.

The other friends was nice to me caring talkative and the one who made references to me being a child I got my revenge and gave him a lollipop, I was given on the way in.

There was another friend but that was more towards the end of the night. So everyone just got drunk, drank more did the norm. I am still sorry that I think I ruined the night for you.

So what happend?

Well everything was going amazingly and we got a photo and you did a speech on how lucky you felt, you was saying to all your friends and why you was happy and then you looked at me and you said “I am so happy that I am with my girlfriend too…” and you looked at me for a response because it wasn’t really official, and hell yeah I mean this was exciting I wanted this, this is all I wanted for a long time to be treated like I was a girlfriend, to be someone’s other half, to be their one and only and to be by their side to battle any battles that where about to be thrown our way.

So what was the problem then?

Well you was drunk, and I was heading the same direction, you was touchy feely and yeah that was fine. I was on my period so that wasn’t really very fun or birthday inviting. I wasn’t even mad at this, I was falling even more, but the thing was, there was no accomodation for me. Surely, if I was your girlfriend then I would be staying with you going back to yours and surely if I was your girlfriend then we better start thinking more of a plan to see each other a little more often.

I never wanted to get as drunk as I did that night that was not my intention, I hate myself for getting that drunk. Because when your with me and my normal anxious self, normal anxious self plus 8 or 9 alcoholic drinks i’m talking vodkas, shots, whisky, malibu, the added worry of what the fuck was going on you just called me your ‘girlfriend’ in front of the whole entire world, I was freaking out where would I stay, I didn’t know where I was going to sleep.

These moments my new happiest moments of my life and I was destroying them because I couldn’t help but get upset.

Issue is I am not good enough, for you, for anyone and your realised this and maybe that’s a reason that your not here anymore.

I went straight into the bathroom and just cried.

That’s right I wanted to contain myself, it was a secret that I was so upset I didn’t want you to see me this upset it was your fucking birthday and everyone else around me is watching me, I dont go to night clubs im a single mum of kids. I don’t have adult experiance of how to interact, I haven’t been called someone’s girlfriend, that doesn’t happen. Months I had been so depressed I didn’t know how much longer I could go on and now I had finally found someone who was like me in so many ways, you even like marmite, now that’s a fucking rarity.

I could not hide, you saw me sad and you knew I was sad and you and your friends passed me water, this was not just the alcohol this was me.

I was so depressed, I was mentally destroying myself telling myself over and over. Just leave he won’t put up with you, your not good enough, end it all whilst your happy. You’ve thought of these plans you’ve been thinking it for months whilst you was in that shitty tiny house with no internet, you have been thinking it. Don’t let this moment of happiness stop you from ending it all.

This is what I was telling myself, but back home my girl friends where keeping me going, they gave me the reasurance I needed, they was there for me at my lowest.

At least if I lose this guy I will always have my girl friends. I don’t need a man to be happy or feel happiness, that is the golden rule.

But you was different.

I was anxious – part 2

It was Tuesday and you’d gone back to work, you couldn’t believe how quick the weekend had gone. Like me you’d had a pretty slow and fucking boring year. Probably like me, looking into the fridge and searching the cupboards thinking ‘Fuck, I can’t be bothered to make another meal for just myself’, and again like me for 6 month grueling with no internet searching the insides of your brain thinking about what to do, walking around in your boxers scratching your bollocks eating leftover burger cheese slices from your birthday bag, wait, I haven’t got to your birthday, yet.

I don’t know why you got embarrassed I do precisly the same, I randomly eat cheese strings since the re-introdution from my close friends kids, I forgot cheese strings even existed. I mean I know I can’t scratch any balls, but if I could I totally would.

If you wasn’t then i’m sorry for the comparisons, and anyway don’t be embarrassed no one even knows who you are or who the hell im talking about. You don’t even know who you are because your not even reading this, and if you do read this and it upsets you then I am really sorry, but you knew I was a writer and you shouldn’t fall in love with writers, right?

That’s if that even happend, and also how would I even know anything, I know nothing. I know that your pissed off, and hate my writings so I may as well just carry on with the story for the benefit of the people who are still here, and who enjoy my writing.

It just seemed like to me that we had way too much in common, in a really great freaky friday way.

The date went down well and that’s all that people wanted to hear, I told my friend that I was really starting to like you, I told my other friend that I was really fucking unsure and scared mainly because I knew that if I developed emotions further, I knew I would be ripped in half to lose you.

Equally I wanted to spend my free time with you, and with them, even though things where changing for them too which meant free time doesn’t and wasn’t really happening much for anyone.

Perhaps it was wrong of me to speak to them before you, but I was just too worried and for that I’m sorry.

You knew I was a writer so you can’t look at me and expect this not to happen, I can’t spend another 5 years guessing the fuck out of my mistakes and wondering why. But I can write on a wordpress blog with barely any viewers and get it off my chest.

Literally I have been having crushing chest pains since I woke up, I’m hoping it will just pass I think that my iron tablets giving me stomach pains.

You was deflated that it was Tuesday but it was soon to be your birthday in a couple of weeks and that’s all that mattered. I recognised it was a tough month and I respected that for you because I cared about you. I’m not going to share that with anyone because I actually really do respect you.

Didn’t let that get us down we carried on with the week and it was great.

The second date came around and we went to go see a film, it was fun and I really enjoyed it. I was really anxious when we was there because I know what people say about dates at the cinema, snogging and touchy feeling, I felt like a big kid a teenager. Daft and silly.

I was all ready to get cosy and really bringing the courage up to kiss you this time, but you got up out your seat and went off to buy coffee. I’m an anxious person ok. I notice that most people probably won’t care if their first kiss with someone was snotty or smelly or something but I wanted this to be nice and I wanted you to think it was nice. You didn’t know this you probably just thought I was being freakishly shy or something.

It was a long film, fun, we had another evening together. Took me home and I just remember us talking about the film and having a cup of tea, you was stood in the garden just about to have a cig, and then you looked at me and gave me a really big hug.

Things where amazing perfect, and things started to go so quick

I lose track of time and some of my memory gets jumbled like I’ve been hit across the head at this point.

I look at you and I’m stood on the step of the back door half on half off wobbling.

You say you need to tell me something and we wasn’t drinking or drunk at this point so I was a little bit worried, I’d already thought about this the last time you said you needed to tell me something and I really wanted to hold on just a little longer because my fears, my terrible anxious logic was the quicker things where going, the quicker I was to losing you, I didn’t think 3 months on I’d be thinking the same thing, reflecting on the same thoughts, why am I so surprised if I thought these things before they even happend, did I set myself up to fail?

I know you guys are reading this and thinking what the fuck, but this is inside my brain, overactive overthinking and apparently incapable of receiving and keeping love.

You said it ‘I love you’ you said, you would have said it sooner but didn’t want to or wasn’t sure and I was shocked and anxious and crazy out my mind happy.

Confusing me

My face is a completely different shape,

And I don’t even sound the same,

My hair is brown and hers is black,

Different backgrounds,

I don’t get the same support,

I’m a lone wolf,

Head dragged back,

I’ve been distraught,

Your confusing me…

With her,

You know you could have trusted me my dear,

You didnt ever have to feel in fear,

I’m more understanding then you think,

She wears cotton I wear silk,

I might have skipped on some luxuries,

A life so far on handouts it has been,

But I would never ever expect it to be,

The be all and end all, don’t you see?

Trust me,

Your confusing me,

With someone that exploited your expectations,

Someone who used you as convenience,

We wasn’t agreeing to any distance,

You got freaked out because it meant something,

You told me it was worth it.

Your confusing me with her,

And we don’t even compare.

 

I haven’t been honest with myself

Everything’s fucked up,

I mean look at the fucking government!

Who the fuck had the authority,

To call me up and question me,

Why I write poetry ?

Why I write poetry ?

Who the fuck.

I haven’t been honest with myself,

I mean look at the state of my house,

I couldn’t afford draws,

Theres furniture I couldnt afford,

Lived with a mattress on the floor,

Whilst pregnant ,

They called me a whore,

He controlled my every move,

But fuck it I shouldnt have to prove,

They tell me I dont deserve kids,

They tell me I should be dead because of him,

I look around I see,

Homeless , drunk, and disorderly,

People sleeping in bin liners,

Defecating on the streets,

People Raping people behind bins,

Pulling out knives,

People dying in,

The streets they’ve been born and raised in,

I haven’t been honest with myself,

They tell me that I shouldnt have kids,

They tell me I better close my legs,

Like I’ve been giving out myself,

They say I’m a cunt and I’m a slag,

I dont deserve kids,

Hes the one who got up and walked out,

Hes the one who said he wanted to start,

A family.

I’ve haven’t been honest with myself,

Who the hell pushes someone to the edge,

Uses sex as farewell,

This is Hull its starting to get colder,

Please tell me there is more out there,

Before I end it all because I wont care,

Hull daily mail will exploit you,

Surround the hounds to destroy you,

Call you names and down you,

To the ground and drown you,

This is Hull.

It’s you.

although we didnt get much time,
I take the honor of knowing,
That in growing,
I spent some time with you,
We wasnt single,
We was joint?
We was something?
And it was an honor…
I will never forget that cheeky grin,
When I held the door and let you in,

I had to throw you out once or twice,

Being late not worth the sacrifice,

I will never forget that surprise you gave me,
When you said you thought you loved me,
I doubt I’ll get over the days,
Where you held me on your knee in a night club spinning,

Sitting outside the pub like we did in the beginning,

If it wasnt love then fuck’ you got me hoaxed, but you still passed me the vodka cokes,

It’s like I didnt need anyone else around me.

Because you gave me everything I need (needed)

I dont think it will get easier,

Time will make things simpler,

You know exactly what this is ,
But I’ll act like its non of my buisness,
You cant stay mad forever ,
Because I put the milk in the tea ,
the bread in the toaster.
Even from the height standing on that step, just to kiss you on your neck,
you thought it was some silly game, but it was fun and you got your way,
Blowing out fags by the back,

Looking serious like theres no turning back,

I doubt I will forget it,
I doubt I will forget that.
We never made it to the other side,
We never made it to the end of the car ride,
I really wanted to be there,

Theres not much around not much here,

It’s scary that the blanks are deadly silent,

And for some time I wanted quiet,

But even this is too much to bare,

I wish things would get easier,

But at least I can say it was an honor….

benefits mum

hello its me
another benefits mum
another where the fucks my child maintenance?
skint at the end of the week
if i rent a house they need 6 month bank statements
in case i’m dodgy
nothing is private

hello its me
another benefits mum
I’ve had my housing delayed
rent nearly late
I made it
tried to get work
but the childcare cost more than a roof and food combined

Hi its me another benefits mum
apart from i’m always off my bum
i’m walking around these streets day in and out repeatedly
and now i’m
another mum asking another mum for a lump sum
to get some food for the little ones

its me
such a strange life to be
when money is controlling me
trapped in a system
patriarchy
cant break free
politicians put a number on me
like a cow in a field
and the media makes me sound like i am some kind of scum
but its hard i have little ones calling me mum
so i must have a responsibility
but the pressure society puts on me
makes me feel like i cant breathe
people assume its how i want to be
but
i could imagine being anywhere better…..

Letter 8 Rizlas

August 2005

dear,

I went to the park on my own today, hoody, joggers green NIKE trainers. I didn’t intend to go out and meet anyone, I just wanted to get out as its the summer holidays and they have been so boring this year. I normally just sit with my headphones in from my mp3 player, sometimes playing the boring album. You can only maybe get 1 or 2 albums on at a time and I don’t have that many CDs to start with anyway, maroon 5 is getting a little bit repetitive.

There where these lads here today that came over to me and started talking one was a little round and tried to bike around on top of the chopped up bark flooring, another one sort of skinny and has glasses and the 3rd he was oldest 15 and seemed a bit scruffy. And my god they could have done with a shower.

One of the lads asked what my name was , and I said Lilyth but it took them awhile to get there tounges around it. Asking me why I was on my own and why I’m not playing with anyone, and I tried to explain that no one I know was around here or out.

I got off the swing and went towards the climbing frame and we sat in the under part, away from the rain. The oldest lad was boasting about how he had learned how to roll cigarettes and that he smokes. He was a lot older than me but we didn’t seem to different. I don’t understand why they smelt so bad, I’m guessing that’s puberty or something. Oh, and they started asking if I was single , that was a little awkward.

Anyway the oldest lad was called Luke and he was really cute and I was telling him off saying he shouldn’t be smoking and that he is too young. When he wasn’t looking I took the packet of Green Rizlas off him. He seemed pretty lost I couldn’t help but think that the summer holiday had been a bit tough for him too.

They walked me home.

August 20th

I’ve been at dads all this week, mum said that the boys from the park keep coming to knock for me I told her to give them my number so I could text.

September 3rd

Mum called me today I haven’t been able to see her for some time dads been driving me around all his work places and I’m back at school this week I cant believe they’ve been knocking for so many weeks, I said to her again to give my number then I could text them, she must keep forgetting.

November 9th

Mum said that it is the last time that them lads call for me and she said she told them not to call on me anymore because I don’t live with her. I said it wasn’t my fault I wasn’t asking them to call on me. I feel a little bit sad though, I’ve put the Rizlas in one of my boxes and put it under the bed.

August 2009

I’ve been clearing out my bedroom now that I have to get ready for GCSE work, when I found this small thing of cig papers. I cant believe that I had them in my room for so long.

anxiety my chains

Anxiety my chains
.
I’m shy,
but not really,
smile,
but I’m                  secrectly,
crying.
I’m laughing!
silent,
but I’m chatting!
.
I’m shy,
but not really.
I’m cold,
and im needy.
the
attention
you
give
me
smokes
like
fire
in my belly.
and im ready,
when your ready…
slow  ,
but I’m steady,
quick,
and on edge,
anxiety.
my chains
just want to feel,’normal’ again.
.

dear reader

dear readers….

I would like to thankyou for all your time and support on my creative writing journey. I am honored to share my poems with you my posts about my life and journey. I would really like to now take this opportunity to write even more…

I know I have my own style and specific audience and that’s fine.

Even if I get one person reading
that is massive to me and means a great deal…

I would like to welcome you to the next 31 Days of August where I will be writing in the style of a diary in Letter form. You guessed it! Lettersyoullneversee original.

I want to be able to write an expressive form of writing, I don’t want to refrain or take out things, I want this to be an original piece of work. I don’t know where the journey will land me, if viewers will read, if people will enjoy it.

that’s OK, so long as that one person is with me every step of the way. I will try to keep up with it best I can.

now…. I want to warn anyone who is used to usual content, the letters written in a diary entry are from some true life events, some are real characters some maybe made up or over emphsised. This is written for an adult audience and not aimed at children. Based on the mind of a child, pre teen and young adult, in jumbled formation. There is 100% no intent to cause anyone upset or distress.

Tomorrow I welcome you to Lettersyoullneversee 2019 Letters!

Thankyou again for reading

Much love, yours truly 😘

Lilyth

belongs to me

belongs to me
.
my body,
is for my enjoyment,
every strap,
every lace,
every mark,
beauty spot,
it belongs to me.
my body is,
MY temple,
and I will not give you one piece!
if I choose to share with you,
then you,
shall respect it,
as if it is your own,
it is not for you to comment,
I will not be objectified,
sexualised,
or demonised,
I do things for my own satisfaction,
no man, No other,
not for their joy,
entertainment,
my body it belongs to me.