hey beautiful how are you?

I open my eyes and I see your eyes.

Blue, velvet. I fucking love you, the windows open and the curtains are swaying in the breeze. It couldn’t be any better laying with you, there’s trees outside the window, there’s a planet we can fall in love with. But we don’t need that because we can just lay here and be in the moment, beautiful.

You maybe an adult with age but you are a child at heart and it breaks me in half, that I can’t rescue you from yourself. You can blame others for all the issues in your life but it won’t help you.

You lay there and close your eyes again, they shut slowly and you say no words, I push my hand through your hair, naked I walk out of the bed and towards the shower. I wasn’t calling you over but you came along anyway. I love holding you it feels like we are somewhere else we are safe we are away from the problems.

Problems.

We had no problems.

I was carrying your baby, and you was so excited, I wasn’t so much so at that point. You was talking to me about how amazing it was going to be, we hadn’t been planing. I had been grieving so hard. I had been drinking so much, leaving uni at 3am in the dark. With no one to be with, hours of writing. Because of the funeral, I had to take resits.

I had to walk past the reminder every evening, would it of fucking hurt to say sorry?

We fucking worked that bedroom the neighbour’s where probably pissed by now, sat in their blow up paddling pools, smoking weed.

Why do people do that?

The people across the way have had a broken fridge outside the front for months, and now they’ve added a broken bbq. Do they not know that there is a skip about 4 miles from here?

Why do people do that?

Problems we had no problems.

The hospital called they said that there was a decline in my hormones, all them aches and pains wasn’t imagined.

I grabbed the hammer and smashed the phone to pieces.

There’s so much blood, is there supposed to be this much?

I keep climbing in the bath is that supposed to make it go?

How long am I supposed to sit here.

If I hear another ‘are you ok?’, I will fucking scream. Hearing you talk about how it happends to 1 in 4 women is not making the situation any easier. Being ok in a couple of months, theres always time, is not what is on my mind.

I needed a friend. I needed a family member, I needed someone.

I lay there, you talk to me and I have no words to say, I just stare at the window with the curtains swaying, not as beautiful as they was in the morning.

I blame the house, I blame myself, my stupid body.

Problems, we had none.

Advertisements

Vanish

Your body, real,

Solid.

Your shadow seen,

Grey,

Dark around the sketching.

Your body, real,

A solid,

Oxygen, atoms.

Your body real,

Legs, move, walk,

Feet, drop, stomp,

I lift your arms,

Up

Then

Down

They don’t flop, because you look at me strangely and tense them.

Your body real,

Blood,

A liquid,

Bones a solid,

Shapes,

Different sizes,

Bumps, bridges, arches,

Sketchy.

Your body real,

Eyes, eyebrows,

Brown a pen lid,

Nose a putty thumb,

Lips a pretty kiss.

Your body real,

was here,

Heard,

No whisper,

Your body real,

It sat,

It moved,

A creeping,

Closer.

Your body real,

A language,

Sounds, a bird song.

Your body,

A pile,

Of paper.

Things where so beautiful

Things where so beautiful,

Our hair a silky shine,

Things just kept on happening,

Happening over time,

I feel this guilty sheet of black,

Darkening my life,

I was so full of energy,

We was looking up, everything was nice,

I turn to see if your still next to me,

But there is no one in my bed,

And I keep on worrying if what I have done, I will regret,

Troubles.

Hunny.

Troubles.

Our relationship can not survive,

Troubles.

Hunny.

Troubles.

We need to put these things behind,

If only I had know,

When my skin was so young and soft,

That we would end up in this mess,

Unable to mend the hurts,

What will it cost?

Our time may nearly be done,

And maybe we should move on,

But it’s starting to trouble me,

Now your really gone.

Troubles.

Hunny.

Troubles.

Can we please turn back the clock?

Troubles.

Hunny.

Troubles.

Maybe we’ve both been lost,

It’s ok to feel like you will always love,

But falling back in is hard,

And being able to bring it back,

When for so long you’ve been on guard,

Our hair was silky shiny,

Our skin softer than a peach,

Troubles keep on coming,

Troubles we work through,

Please grow a solution we can learn to preach,

Troubles, hunny, troubles.

I was anxious part 12 part 2 : I’m here for you.

My counsellor often told me to find peace with the unknown.

But, I always struggled with this concept.

Finding peace with not knowing, and not having the answers to questions, was hard.

Especially the ones I had swimming in my head over and over.

Sometimes it took over my life and stopped me worrying about the moments that I was living in.

Sometimes by the time I stopped worrying about the unknowns, I had missed out on so much time, that was really in reality, nice. Potentially even could have been happy.

If someone text me saying that they wanted to have sex with me whilst thier girlfriend was away on holiday.

That would be clear to most people that it means that person is using the other person to cheat. Get pleassure for themselves, selfish and greedy.

The only person that would get hurt is me.

But to me it made me wonder if there was a deeper meaning, did that person miss me? Did they care about me? Could I see this person and not sleep with them just talk to them? Was it even about sex or a cry for help?

(I wish you didnt use me like that you knew I would decline (different you) please read other parts to this series to understand the ‘yous’.)

Further, made me think about all the crap I’d been through. I could almost construct a guide on how to love someone, how to be kind, how to treat someone like a fucking human. We could all do with one about how to end a relationship and not be a c*nt about it.

When you’ve been in a similar place you may find yourself questioning everything. Even things that didnt need questioning. People said to me it was naivety, lack of understanding. I think it’s a matter of perspective, a different viewpoint. Perhaps, I just refuse to let go of the thought that there is good in people.

Some have souls so powerful but confidence so low they cant break the cycle.

The goodness in people can change lives of many. But we all lose a little bit of hope as we get older.

It’s hard to stay open minded and possitive when life is cruel to you in so many ways.

Grieving in our culture is so difficult and a hard emotion to process, we dont hear it enough that it is ok to cry, ok to reach out, it’s ok to shout and scream. We bottle it up, we vanish, we never talk about it, we treat it as if it never happend or it happend but its not worth ‘worrying about’.

Well yes it is worth worrying about, it will happend to all of us. It’s worth making sure we all feel ok about discussing things with one another. I always try to think of it this way, life should always be celebrated.

Its fucking horrible when you lose someone in an unimaginable way, but you have to carry on living and live with thier thought in mind sometimes. Would they want you to stop being successful and happy? No. Would they want you to be miserable and broken for the rest of your life? No.

I mean if we lived forever then people wouldn’t make effort and it would be a pretty boring life. It matters because your voice is worthy, hell your life is precious, your precious. You deserve to be loved and deserve to be happy.

Its easy to find peace with things like this in time. But finding peace with someone who leaves your life and is still able to tell you what they think and feel and dont, is challenging.

Treating it the same will help?

Would you want me to feel immensely distraught and break down?

Would you want me to not be successful and happy? I don’t know

But I need move forward and find peace with something.

Someone I thought I knew

Someone I thought I knew,

Looked and sounded the same as you,

Someone I thought I knew,

even had the same hair type too,

I turn my head I shake, I shake,

I call out your name by mistake,

These illusions,

causing confusing,

Someone I thought I knew.

Looked and sounded just like you.

I was anxious – part 9- Hornsea

I sat for some time whilst you went off to the toilet. Watching the children run up and down splashing in the sea pretending to be mermaids, picking up giant rocks and bringing them to me like absolute nutters almost landing them on their toes.

So much laughter, so much sun and so much happiness, it felt as if I was overdosing and inside a film I wasn’t supposed to be inside of.

We decided to take the children to Hornsea. You’ve always been a good friend like that, thinking about me and the children. I’d listen to you talk about your woes and you’d listen to mine about Faff and Davum the others. University concerns family dramas.

He was at work and I was sending him pictures of me at the seaside, a rare occasion of smiles. My best pal was also at work and I sent pictures across to her, would have been nice if everyone could have been there but I appreciate times where hard and more complex and complicated.

I sat watching the waves ush over my mind, I was in disbelief I’d made it out of Hull at last, after almost 7 years I hadn’t seen the seaside.

I knew I hadn’t lost my love for it because I instantly felt goosebumps all over my arms and legs as soon as the sand brushed against my toes.

The children where laughing and even though we was still in the UK that didn’t matter I could have been on sandy beaches abroad and I would have felt just as happy.

This was a strange moment for me it showed me that depression can leave you alone to enjoy life. I was anxious thinking about the long journey home, returning to mayhem and madness. It also made me realise that I didn’t have to be with you to feel the joys that I had been feeling. Perhaps this was reassurance on my clingy displays of past relationships, learning I don’t have to be utterly dependant on someone. But it was too late.

You kept me company wherever I was I was looking forward to coming back and telling you all about my day.

My friend had some dates lined up and was starting to feel better. I expressed concerns and worries and he went over them with me and he was reassuring me saying “yes” and “no” and well “maybe”, “that’s good” and that was helping me round up all my choices and giving me the best advice a friend possibly could.

Things looked up and I saw the best in you, all the good, all the excitement of a new life happening again.

I could live and die in those moment’s over and over just to learn how to keep hold of heaven, the ones where people got on with one another and I had friends around me cheering me on being by my side. Such good friends I could never lose.

I knew once I started these new journeys that the reality of things would slowly start to show.

That feeling when you feel like things are too good to be true. The worst feeling that an anxious person could ever, ever feel.

A phrase that takes the enjoyment of swimming around inside ones head.

It’s not possible, impossible, unbelievable.

I’m not good enough for these good things, happy starts, friends someone that’s telling me that they are in love with me.

I Thankyou for that day helping me come to terms with a great deal I had been through.

Depression was slipping away and anxiety not being as bad as it was.

Hurt

There’s no time,

Left to

Hurt,

Tell me it’s what you want,

That’s the perfect part,

Falling apart.

There’s no time,

Left to

Hurt,

If he wants what he wants he can go get it,

He doesn’t need to,

Because he’s already got it.

Fuck me,

I want to make love,

Fuck me,

I want to make love,

I don’t care about the size,

I don’t care about the look in your

Eyes,

Give me a treat a surprise,

There’s no time,

Left to hurt,

There’s no time,

Left to hurt,

I gave the cans to my friend,

Maybe it’s not what you intend,

I keep getting angry,

But it’s not the same,

And if change going to happen,

It’s already happening,

Fuck me, I want to make love,

Fuck me, I want to make love.

I got all the answers I need

This is it,

there is no us,

no then, no now

this is it,

I’ve been ignoring myself for too long,

for so long,

I have all the answers I need,

I can go on along as I please.

Time to take care of me,

this is it there is no we.

Just I.

I got all the answers I need.

I was anxious – part 8 – unbalanced seesaw

I haven’t really got to the end of the night club story but I’m moving on.

Maybe, I will return but im sure many of you would like to know what’s happend, like really happend what’s been going on. If I knew how to explain it easier, I would have said in the first few pages.

My wellbeing officer brought up the boiling frog in a pan saying that on and off for most of the years, I’ve been slowly boiled until I completely lose my rag because of someone saying things. Winding me up, being horrible, bringing me down, being emotional abusive.

Yet, I put up with it for a significant length of time because I kept hoping that there was goodness somewhere in the world.

I’ve had time to reflect on what’s been going on.

I still can’t fill in the missing gaps, there was no conclusion, no discussion, the whole time we spent was as if a shoulder shrug to you now…

We kissed out side your work, we kissed in your home, my home, we walked hand in hand we was something?

Now I wake up and I think, hang on was we?

Did I dream the whole thing? us reading the thesaurus as a laugh in bed guessing word meanings. Drinking in the garden , eating at my friends house. Going to the pubs on my door step, ice cream, car drives, drinking and seeing friends.

Did I completely imagine the whole thing?

I gave you the option there and then to leave me stranded , you said that was not what you wanted. You wanted me to fit into routine, you told the world I was your girlfriend. Something got lost in translation, I was hearing everything but seeing different.

I let you down?

I upset you?

What did I do?

You had the chance to dump me when I asked you, but instead choose to go to the pub talk for hours and hours, sleep with me. Then vanish!?

I waited, waited for a message, a phone call. I did not hear from you, I was getting more and more upset. I deleted you on facebook to tell you I was upset, but that made it worse.

I was told I was not allowed to a friends birthday party, because I wasn’t your girlfriend anymore, we didnt even discuss breaking up. You completely ghosted me. But spoke to my friend.

No one likes a liar and I was in the middle. I don’t blame my friend she was in the middle and she did what was needed to be done.

But, I felt so cold that night, alone deserted. Abandoned. I was going to wear blue polka dot dress she helped me put away, that day she sat on the end of my bed and spoke with me. We spoke about you, we spoke about life. I love her a great deal she is one of my closest friends.

We’re close, I’ve just been distant, busy at uni. Depressed.

No one likes a liar.

You was lying to me.

We’re adults we could have overcome this and there could have been a solution. I get it out of sight out of mind. If you make no effort to see me to be an adult then it’s easier for you. If you ghost me don’t reply or acknowledge then it’s easier for you. If I bring you your clothes and belongings. It’s easier for you. If you have all your friends persistently bothering you, then it’s easier for you.

Non of this was easy for me. I was on the unbalanced seesaw of life, and I had to deal with most of this on my own.

Not sure writing a 1000 words on it all could be seen as dealing with it to the opinion of others. But surely if it’s written down it must be true, it helps me reflect.

After all that’s all the counsellor tells me to do, to write it down.

Mainly because she knows I feel I have no one to talk to, especially now your not here.

I was anxious – part 7

No one likes a liar and no one likes an anxious freak even though society is changing we are much more aware of mental health it still doesn’t mean that means people will automatically accept you or try to understand.

Someone I know who had deep mental health conditions understands their own mental health very clearly but when it comes to anybody else’s mental health or should I say my anxiety. There is no understanding at all.

This person is a very close person a family person. Someone I really needed, because without them I would have struggled.

My father hasn’t been around for a long time I would like to say 8 years because that’s the time he made me homeless. But I’ve seen him in between but not for maybe almost 3 years.

See to him I am a disgrace, how dare I have sex and have a child how dare I have children.

See the pattern?

No.

My dad was hard to understand and although many people didn’t and couldn’t understand him it didn’t stop him being who he was.

So I ask myself this, should I stop writing should I refrain from my feelings and thoughts is it worth the stress?

The thing is we are too obsessed with everyone else we never think about our own needs.

We are obsessed with Facebook yet Facebook only tells people the things we think others want to know.

So when I share poems my writing my opinions you will be surprised to learn that it is not what people want to hear.

No one wants to read about someone crying their heart out, no one wants to open their eyes to domestic abuse, no one wants to accept that they’re a giant arsehole that talks shit behind people’s backs through messenger.

We want likes , we want power, we want control.

It’s only natural.

I was anxious- part 5 continued

So we got to the part where we was in the nightclub.

I was balling my eyes out I needed you close and next to me and you allowed yourself to be close and next to me. You didnt shout at me or have ago, or tell me to stop crying, you didnt get embarrassed by me. These were all actions I wasn’t used to.

You held me really tight you let me cry and didnt judge me you waited until my storm had passed, we went to a corner of the nightclub that wasn’t as busy you had your arms around me and you sat me down next to you and held me.

Since you left, I’ve been in that storm for so long rocking along up and down in a boat.

You might think that saying this doesn’t change anything. Your right, but this is all part of the story and this is all important because you showed me that a man is capable of being understanding. That maybe I am capable of being loved and cared for.

… tbc