I carried ‘me’

(sorry this is an angry poem… but the moral is that you have your back no matter what don’t fall on someone else always look after yourself! 🙂

I carried me

I have this
horrible
gut feeling
that something more
is coming
no way did I frighten you?
seriously?
you didn’t seem frightened or terrified when you was trying to put your tongue down my throat
you didn’t seem scared or terrified when you was trying to get me to sleep over
you didn’t seem worried or petrified when I knock on your door
you didn’t seem scared or cared when you offered to take me back home!
I carried me!
I carried me!
you was nowhere to be found
I carried me!
I carried me!
I put my feet back on the ground

I have this horrible gut feeling
that something is about to happen
I want to prevent it but I just can’t seem to handle
you really think I’d make this up and go out all my way
do you really think I believe your shit that you didn’t like me because you thought that you was gay?
burry me in lies and things I would never dream or do
as long as your back is clear for you to carry on and pursue
and if she is non the wiser than fool her and fool you
I carried me!
I carried me!
you was nowhere to be found.
I carried me!
I carried me!
I put my feet back on the ground.
I carried me!
I carried me!
you was up there smoking crap
I carried me!
I carried me!
you took my heart now give it back

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faceless in my dreams

you come to me faceless

every night for the last 3 nights
you come to me same words
I scream
‘stop it stop it come back
please ‘
my voice drifts off into the breeze

I collapse my feet give up
the night draws in. the doors are shut. the room in spins into another memory
I grow to forget of you and me.

every night for the last 3 nights
I’ve been in a struggle,
in a fight.
to go to sleep to close my eyes
incase I see you by surprise
just like you’ve gone
just like you’ve died
I just want to be by your side
but I’m just a waste of space
and im your sour aftertaste.

stop visiting me faceless in my dreams
stop talking to me please
stop showing up and haunting me
I’m trying to forget our memory
stop visting me faceless in my dreams
it’s to much for me to see
I can’t escape in the day it seems
what would the next option be at least?

Groggy

groggy-

noise is just noisy
and my hair is all knotty
hands, feet, ache.
I feel like I’ve been bitten by a snake
last night was sort of heavy
and I really wasn’t ready
to hear all the news
of your latest affair
I’m done with being perfect
if you want me, you’ll make it work
if you don’t, then I don’t care
at least I made my point clear
I don’t think
I will make drinking my hobby
I’m feeling sort of
groggy.

Ferris Wheel

I almost remembered how it feels
spinning like a Ferris wheel
I’ve never been good and controlling
scenarios tend to unfold in
situations I’m holding back on
never know what you’ve got till it’s gone
you made me realise
there’s always more behind the eye
almost remembered how it feels
spinning like a Ferris wheel
colours lights that sickly feeling
unknown exceptions and bruises healing
forgetting about where I’ve come from, been in,
all the pain almost going gone, dreaming,
my heads mad and visions blurry
it’s actually really scary dancing late night in heels
drinking, cig tabs, lipstick, cocktails and all the while I’m smiling, remembering how it feels spinning like a Ferris wheel 😍 🎡

helter skelter

Helter-skelter
She likes it so much
She scrunches the paper up
Slips it in her pillow case
Takes a screenshot just in case
Bitter envelope for a court case
Tired of winding up bad taste
She hates it
But still reads this shit
Like it’s aimed at it
When it’s not anything to do with it
I’m tired lady
Let me sleep lady
I have 3 babies
Get out my face lately
It’s not cool
I left school
So long ago
Just take me home
I can’t do it
Just do it
I’ll be done with this
In a moment please

I get it
You’ve had your whole half life defending your actions
Dealing with shitty attitudes
I get it
It’s not easy
So don’t attack me
Look at the person you see
Look at the vulnerability
He puts to you and me
We a scars
From broken jars
And penny sweets
The ones we didn’t eat
Empty vases
And empty birthday cards with
No names addressed in
Relationships we’ve invented in
Romantic gestures, we cast a shadow
With Shallow men
Who got us into bed.
I get it
We are roses
Without the petals
We are nettles
With freckles
trauma labours…

We live in life
Like
Far in
Heights
We are the stripes
Rugged carpets
See you later dads
And
Are you fucking glads,
A messed up pretty sight,
Look you’ve got the same ticket, right?
You can go to the side
or take the
Helter Skelter ride,
down the slide,
you decide.

Why i write poetry

Why I write poems

I didn’t think I would have to do a post like this I feel like this is my only defence as its been happening a few times this year now. The odd troll and the odd person who continue to attack me through social media.

I have met some pretty amazing people that I wouldn’t have met if it wasn’t for myself pushing myself out there and going to events. It took me months to get up onto the stage and read a poem and it taken me years to do anything like what I am doing now.

I know I have a small audience in which I cherish, and I won’t ever know if the audience will grow. But I am happy with where I am right now in the poetry journey and writing journey.

Its been so hard to find the confidence to do this I have never had much confidence in anything even growing up as a kid.

I haven’t done any of this to harm anyone I just love writing.

But I have now been pushed into a corner where I feel like I have to explain why I write, I know that I have lost some friends because I have been writing and sharing but that’s fine maybe I surprised them maybe it’s not their taste…

I know that some people assume they know all the meanings behind the poems but really it is for your own imagination some are from experiences some aren’t some are made up some are from other peoples lives and love stories. Growing up in a fucked up cyber communication world.

Some are about people that have been in and out of my life, they’re not all about the same person or event.

Lastly, I have never forced anyone to read any of my work. I knew that I would face challenges doing this and sharing on such wide platforms. I never would have thought that I would have to feel like I must explain myself and I hope I wont need to again.

I love words, I love emotive language and expression , imagination , notebooks pens, I love hearing from people who tell me that my poem made them cry happy made them think made them want to write and send me a poem to read. Its just amazing and I feel now I have only been able to talk to these people through the internet that I cant leave them now.

I just want to be able to write freely, be myself.
Like all the other amazing poets I’ve met this year.

depression is criminal

there is no room
for me
there are no seats
for me
nowhere for me to go
no place
no home
no friends that walk along
no place that I belong
and depression it carries on
no room
she needed me at one point
and doesn’t need me anymore
and he got angry impatient
out he walked
right out of the door
he hurt me twice and over
but I still let him in
and she moved away to somewhere
to far for me to be
family seem absent
don’t notice me these days
and temperatures
keep rising
nothing seems to change
I hear a voice it murmers
somewhere in the crowd
I’m hoping he will remember me
but the depressions far too loud
soon the tumble takes over
and the reality falls apart
it’s taking me forever
to keep up with my heart….

dream

dream

you was in my dream
yet again
dreaming
dreaming
I never want to leave
if only you could stay
inside my dream
every time I fall asleep…
I see you change
become a better man
than you ever have
and nothing still
takes it away
how I feel for you
but I know its all delusional
nothing will be soluble

I’m so in love 😍

even if your not with me
even if your too far to see
even if we will never be
I’m still so in love

done the devil’s deed
but you’ve almost put the demons to bed
all the lies I have been fed
im still so in love

all the drugs and all the drink
don’t get to sleep no not a wink
I’ve stopped caring what people think
I’m still so in love

even after the rejection
acceptance of imperfection
becoming part of your confection
I’m still so in love

even after your taste of many women
their kisses sitting on your lips
breathing into my lungs
I’m still so in love

even after all the close reminders why
you shouldn’t be in my life

I’m
still
so…

drunk

hey, if you see this…. call me

if my links still saved in your phone
if my links still there on your laptop, alone
if my books in sync with your soul
if there’s room for me in those gaps and holes
if there is any doubt
or feeling at all
if your sitting there. and feel alone
all tensed up and about to blow
if there’s something in the water now
if there’s something you want to say but don’t know how
if you’ve searched my name a million times
you’ve crossed so many broken lines
if there is anything left on your earth at all
if your feeling empty and want more
then all you have to do is dial
unblock my number for a chance to smile
still pretending that it isn’t supposed to be this way
when you can clearly see.
that there is no place you’d rather be
that girls not right it should be me
if you think at last there’s a chance to fall
then all you got to do is call.
there’s still time
I’m alive
we’re pumping
our hearts still beat
like young love is supposed to
I want to be your only
your go to
let’s make this a year to remeber
let’s take this back to December.

goodnight goodbye

Goodnight
goodbye.

my lover living by the river
my lover living by the ripples
of the oceon
trickling in…

goodnight goodbye.

this shall be the last time
distancing but
looking back
but never going in
car shuts,
the rubber sticks to the door frame
sealing in the pented emotions,
I left
and in the passenger seat
did I leave a hair?
my perfume there?
was it enough for you to look back and see
me
sitting
whilst you was
smiling
holding my hand
I slipped it into yours on the gear…

what happend to us dear?
why did you leave in fear?

goodnight goodbye.

may all the ships sail in and out your life
living by the river
not a stone thrown in our name
why couldn’t it bounce along
then sink deeply
like the love in our blood
and the sharpness in our brains
I opened up, now I’m hurting,
more than I thought I ever could.

goodnight
goodbye.

your motor engine softly glides
back into the night
I’m waiting around
awhile
to see if you’d pass me by
but no humming of your motor arrives
outside my door…

goodnight, goodbye.

my lover living by the river
watching people taking pictures
im waiting for it, when it hits you
that I am no longer with you.

goodnight, goodbye.